Which life experiences do insiders downplay the difficulties of?
December 24, 2024 5:18 AM Subscribe
There are some experiences that are described in a rosy light by the media, movies, and insiders. Parenthood is one example. Wealth and fame are another. Outsiders go into them with an over-optimistic expectation and only discover the extent of the challenges when it's too late to back out. Which life experiences proved harder than you anticipated, because there's a tendency to downplay the challenges? I'd like to reduce the blind spots that I have.
Some experiences are deeply fulfilling but come with challenges that insiders are discouraged from candidly discussing with outsiders. What are experiences in this category, so I can address my blind spots?
I'll give a couple examples of what I mean (but this question is not meant to debate the examples). Regarding parenthood, I've seen at least 100 scenes in movies of women giving birth, and not one mentioned vaginal tearing (which happens 80+% of the time) or possible permanent changes to the woman's body. Movies depict temporary pain during labor but not these longer-term effects. A sizable percentage of women who intentionally get pregnant do not know the full ramifications of pregnancy.
Mothers feel pressure not to candidly discuss the challenges of parenthood with women who haven't yet had kids. When women are deciding on parenthood and when they are first pregnant, women hear lavish positivity from others. Any descriptions of the challenges are kept vague, such as "It's hard but worth it." As the pregnant women got close to their due date, the optimism from friends turned into schadenfreude-like warnings about saying goodbye to sleep, goodbye to her sex life for a while, how it's going to be a strain on her marriage, and many detailed warnings that she didn't receive when she was actually making a decision. This is different from most other situations when friends give us the bad news while we're making the decision ("Don't date that jerk because ... If you commit this crime, the problems are..."), not after we're too committed to back out.
Another example is reaching wealth and fame. I've seen a couple of friends-of-friends achieve tremendous success and face unanticipated challenges. They could no longer trust when people did nice things for them. Normally when someone gives us a gift or does an unexpected thoughtful thing for us, it brightens our day and bonds us closer. It's one way that friendships are formed little by little. With these successful people, most of those times turned out to have ulterior motives, and they gradually came to see thoughtful gestures with cynical distrust. In addition, many of their old acquaintances came out of the woodwork and treated them better, and the contrast made them sad about how they're treated when they're "just themselves". Also, the fame made them feel scrutinized, and they couldn't just have a bad hair day or unattractively slouch around unnoticed. Most people find public speaking stressful due to the scrutiny, and now these successful people felt as though they were doing public speaking 24-7.
Of course, these examples have extremely positive sides to them. People love being parents and being wealthy and famous, lol. I'm just referring to how there are also unanticipated downsides that aren't communicated in a detailed way to outsiders. This question is not meant to debate parenthood, wealth or fame.
My question is: what other life experiences were more difficult than you realized, because of the pressure for insiders to downplay the difficulties?
Some experiences are deeply fulfilling but come with challenges that insiders are discouraged from candidly discussing with outsiders. What are experiences in this category, so I can address my blind spots?
I'll give a couple examples of what I mean (but this question is not meant to debate the examples). Regarding parenthood, I've seen at least 100 scenes in movies of women giving birth, and not one mentioned vaginal tearing (which happens 80+% of the time) or possible permanent changes to the woman's body. Movies depict temporary pain during labor but not these longer-term effects. A sizable percentage of women who intentionally get pregnant do not know the full ramifications of pregnancy.
Mothers feel pressure not to candidly discuss the challenges of parenthood with women who haven't yet had kids. When women are deciding on parenthood and when they are first pregnant, women hear lavish positivity from others. Any descriptions of the challenges are kept vague, such as "It's hard but worth it." As the pregnant women got close to their due date, the optimism from friends turned into schadenfreude-like warnings about saying goodbye to sleep, goodbye to her sex life for a while, how it's going to be a strain on her marriage, and many detailed warnings that she didn't receive when she was actually making a decision. This is different from most other situations when friends give us the bad news while we're making the decision ("Don't date that jerk because ... If you commit this crime, the problems are..."), not after we're too committed to back out.
Another example is reaching wealth and fame. I've seen a couple of friends-of-friends achieve tremendous success and face unanticipated challenges. They could no longer trust when people did nice things for them. Normally when someone gives us a gift or does an unexpected thoughtful thing for us, it brightens our day and bonds us closer. It's one way that friendships are formed little by little. With these successful people, most of those times turned out to have ulterior motives, and they gradually came to see thoughtful gestures with cynical distrust. In addition, many of their old acquaintances came out of the woodwork and treated them better, and the contrast made them sad about how they're treated when they're "just themselves". Also, the fame made them feel scrutinized, and they couldn't just have a bad hair day or unattractively slouch around unnoticed. Most people find public speaking stressful due to the scrutiny, and now these successful people felt as though they were doing public speaking 24-7.
Of course, these examples have extremely positive sides to them. People love being parents and being wealthy and famous, lol. I'm just referring to how there are also unanticipated downsides that aren't communicated in a detailed way to outsiders. This question is not meant to debate parenthood, wealth or fame.
My question is: what other life experiences were more difficult than you realized, because of the pressure for insiders to downplay the difficulties?
Best answer: Academia/getting a PhD. Students go into it bright eyed, picturing a life in the academy as a professor. The reality (except in a select few fields) is intense competition for jobs, being severely overworked, having to move to buttfuck nowhere for a job, publish or perish, on and on and on. Not rosy.
posted by EarnestDeer at 5:35 AM on December 24, 2024 [27 favorites]
posted by EarnestDeer at 5:35 AM on December 24, 2024 [27 favorites]
Best answer: Working as a “creative” in something like the animation industry. Contracts that rarely last more than a a few months or a year (meaning discontinuity in employee benefits), zero benefits for freelancers, no expectation of any sort of pension, intense deadline pressure, wages that haven’t moved in 2 decades, no ownership of your artistic contributions, burnout, ….and even if you consistently over-perform and remain a valuable team asset, there always the looming threat of it being wiped out by an industry wide downturn.
posted by brachiopod at 6:02 AM on December 24, 2024 [13 favorites]
posted by brachiopod at 6:02 AM on December 24, 2024 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Blue collar work being noble and somehow more productive/honorable than office work. I say this as a lifelong blue collar worker. For the most part, blue collar work wrecks your body, doesn’t pay great, has few benefits and room to advance, is often a racist/homophobic environment, and now lots of companies in the trades are being bought up by private equity and becoming corporate in nature, with all the bullshit that entails.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WorkingClassHero
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HappinessInMinimumWage
posted by HVACDC_Bag at 6:11 AM on December 24, 2024 [17 favorites]
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WorkingClassHero
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HappinessInMinimumWage
posted by HVACDC_Bag at 6:11 AM on December 24, 2024 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Elementary school. I remember being excited, drawing pictures of six year olds!! With their backpacks!!!
It turned out to be worse than anything else I’d go on to experience - a parent with a chronic illness, an abusive relationship, drug addiction, permanent physical disability from an accident…
posted by wheatlets at 6:24 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
It turned out to be worse than anything else I’d go on to experience - a parent with a chronic illness, an abusive relationship, drug addiction, permanent physical disability from an accident…
posted by wheatlets at 6:24 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Living with a puppy is much harder than most people expect it to be. (Check out r/puppy101 for examples of the hell people find themselves in. On any given day there's likely to be at least one post from someone who couldn't hack it and decided to rehome their puppy. There are currently two posts with "overwhelmed" in the title.) I'm not sure dog owners deliberately downplay the difficulties, but I'm not sure I buy the premise that parents deliberately downplay difficulties either.
posted by Redstart at 6:31 AM on December 24, 2024 [15 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 6:31 AM on December 24, 2024 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Aging.
Your body WILL fail you in unanticipated (and often in ridiculous) ways.
No one can properly warn you about the infinite ways that simple tasks will become not-simple.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 6:40 AM on December 24, 2024 [15 favorites]
Your body WILL fail you in unanticipated (and often in ridiculous) ways.
No one can properly warn you about the infinite ways that simple tasks will become not-simple.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 6:40 AM on December 24, 2024 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Owning a home, and the maintenance that comes with it. Figuring out how to fix what you can, endless attempts to get referrals to find someone to do what you can’t, paying $100/hr for mediocre work. I understand why the wage is that high, but I didn’t know that it was that high until after I needed help. Living in a financial instrument, not being able to leave, poor relationships with neighbors, neighbors doing things that decrease your enjoyment of your home and its value. Realtors in cahoots with inspectors and tradespeople. It’s been a great financial decision, and also a factor in needing to take FMLA because I was exhausted.
posted by momus_window at 6:43 AM on December 24, 2024 [21 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 6:43 AM on December 24, 2024 [21 favorites]
Winning the lottery?
posted by serendipityrules at 6:47 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by serendipityrules at 6:47 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: So many good answers above. I wonder if, like, all of life is like this: you can just get overwhelmed by anything, especially if you're already running low on gas (or spoons?)
But my addition would be travel: people want it to be "I went to these amazing places, and I saw these amazing things! And met these amazing people! etc." And it can be. But it's also walking down the unlit street in a sketchy corner of a city you've never been in, because the hotel you called to reserve a room in didn't actually hold the reservation, and you're hoping that the bar hasn't already rented their weird upstairs storage area for the night? Or you want to try the local specialty, but your stomach is already not right from earlier in the trip, and I don't have a lot of Spanish but I know what ojo de vaca means. Or you have 7 people in your party, and more luggage than you can fit in the rental, and whoops they lost your luggage anyway so you have to hang out near the airport for the night waiting?
posted by adekllny at 6:48 AM on December 24, 2024 [15 favorites]
But my addition would be travel: people want it to be "I went to these amazing places, and I saw these amazing things! And met these amazing people! etc." And it can be. But it's also walking down the unlit street in a sketchy corner of a city you've never been in, because the hotel you called to reserve a room in didn't actually hold the reservation, and you're hoping that the bar hasn't already rented their weird upstairs storage area for the night? Or you want to try the local specialty, but your stomach is already not right from earlier in the trip, and I don't have a lot of Spanish but I know what ojo de vaca means. Or you have 7 people in your party, and more luggage than you can fit in the rental, and whoops they lost your luggage anyway so you have to hang out near the airport for the night waiting?
posted by adekllny at 6:48 AM on December 24, 2024 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Leadership in movements. The movies make it look like a lot of leaders in movements (for example civic rights, women's rights or gay rights) have tons of support and love from the people around them, and the leaders have the internal gumption to know any neigh sayers are wrong. In reality it is exceptionally lonely, and I imagine there was significantly more tears than is ever reflected in the movies, books, magazines...etc. Moreover the movies always end with the leader being able to be like, "I told you! I was right!" But many of the leaders did not get to see the fruits of their labors and sacrifices: Harvey Milk, Susan B Anthony, Malcolm X...and so on.
posted by Toddles at 7:05 AM on December 24, 2024 [12 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 7:05 AM on December 24, 2024 [12 favorites]
Menopause!
posted by bluesky78987 at 7:14 AM on December 24, 2024 [10 favorites]
posted by bluesky78987 at 7:14 AM on December 24, 2024 [10 favorites]
To add: Cancer. I have not had cancer, but my sense is that it's not all fabulous wigs, taking edibles, and sucking on popsicles with your bffs at the hospital while getting chemo.
posted by Toddles at 7:25 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 7:25 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
Being promoted; crossing the 'management threshold'. True, now you are a master, and have some willing servants; but they'll do what they will and you're responsible.
posted by Rash at 7:39 AM on December 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
posted by Rash at 7:39 AM on December 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
Going to Walt Disney World or Disneyland in the present day. Where is the happiness? Locals are priced out. So expensive and stressful and requiring even more epic planning than ever before. Just no.
posted by edithkeeler at 7:42 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
posted by edithkeeler at 7:42 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Starting an exercise program. I don't exactly regret doing it, but it's a huge pain in the butt, with scheduling difficulties, post-exercise fatigue, injuries, paradoxical weight gain, and a payoff that's probably many years away.
posted by akk2014 at 7:51 AM on December 24, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by akk2014 at 7:51 AM on December 24, 2024 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Your parents aging. Not that anybody expects it to be a barrel of laughs, but I think I thought there’d possibly be a short, difficult spell, support would be put in place, and all would be well. I was completely unprepared for how protractedly messy it would be, how frightening, how the support structures that you assumed would be there would fail or simply be unavailable (eg. if a parent has legal capacity and refuses help they clearly need, there’s nothing you can do except wait for a horrible crisis to hit).
posted by penguin pie at 7:58 AM on December 24, 2024 [25 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 7:58 AM on December 24, 2024 [25 favorites]
Best answer: FARMING. Oh my god, the mud. The cold. The heat. The death & dead creatures to clean up. The mud (worth saying again).
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:02 AM on December 24, 2024 [23 favorites]
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:02 AM on December 24, 2024 [23 favorites]
Best answer: Caretaking a sick relative. Going on I felt noble and all "well, he'd do it for me".. Did not think about the mental decline of the relative, only the physical. Not prepared for the depression or crankiness. Not prepared for taking care of his home and property. I'm managing, but just.
posted by Czjewel at 8:13 AM on December 24, 2024 [12 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 8:13 AM on December 24, 2024 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Teaching.
Rosy picture: a small group of children gathered attentively at your knee while you read from a book. Home by 3, summers off, everyone in the community respects you.
Teachers are ... not paid enough.
posted by Dashy at 8:14 AM on December 24, 2024 [14 favorites]
Rosy picture: a small group of children gathered attentively at your knee while you read from a book. Home by 3, summers off, everyone in the community respects you.
Teachers are ... not paid enough.
posted by Dashy at 8:14 AM on December 24, 2024 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I will say returning to work after a serious illness or chronic health episode. Not that it's rosy externally, exactly, but the narrative is like "glad you're back to 100%!" And it's hard for the employee to communicate that they may not be or may never be. There may be a need to portray a sense of being as capable of handling things as before to avoid losing the job (despite protections on paper). Lots of suffering in silence, I suspect.
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:26 AM on December 24, 2024 [11 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:26 AM on December 24, 2024 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Theater.
Even when you're good, the competition for gigs that pay a living wage is SEVERELY INTENSE, and most of those gigs are short.. I am - or more accurately, was - a damn good stage manager - but I only ever got one job that paid a living wage, and it was only supposed to last two months. The fact that it did well enough that they extended the run another two months was a damn miracle. Most of my theatrical career was two month gigs, and I would typically make only $600 for the entire gig. There is a kernel of truth to the "everyone pitches in to solve a problem and sometimes some god-damn magic happens" rosy picture, but there is a whole hell of a lot of stress and hustle and worry, and a whole hell of a lot of just random dumb luck that gets you to another level. I've worked on at least two shows that could easily have succeeded if they'd gotten to a wider and bigger audience - but no producers at the next step up wanted to have a bite, and those shows just closed at the end of their two month run and that was that.
Interestingly, theater is another good example of how reality can itself paint a rosy picture. My childhood BFF and I both went into studying acting in college; but studying acting in undergrad steered us in very different directions - I went backstage, and she went into academia, and was eventually the Dean of the Arts Program at a community college for a while. She once articulated the exact reason why she and I both moved away from acting, and why so many other acting students do - a HELL of a lot of college freshmen in acting programs are veterans of the high school musicals and community theaters where they come from, but the high school musical and the community theater scene are very, very, very different from the professional theater scene. And so you have all of these kids who were Ephelba in their small-town school's production of Wicked coming to New York to study theater and very quick realizing that "oh, hang on, this is very different." A lot of them realize pretty quick that they're actually not cut out for acting professionally like everyone told them they were.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:33 AM on December 24, 2024 [4 favorites]
Even when you're good, the competition for gigs that pay a living wage is SEVERELY INTENSE, and most of those gigs are short.. I am - or more accurately, was - a damn good stage manager - but I only ever got one job that paid a living wage, and it was only supposed to last two months. The fact that it did well enough that they extended the run another two months was a damn miracle. Most of my theatrical career was two month gigs, and I would typically make only $600 for the entire gig. There is a kernel of truth to the "everyone pitches in to solve a problem and sometimes some god-damn magic happens" rosy picture, but there is a whole hell of a lot of stress and hustle and worry, and a whole hell of a lot of just random dumb luck that gets you to another level. I've worked on at least two shows that could easily have succeeded if they'd gotten to a wider and bigger audience - but no producers at the next step up wanted to have a bite, and those shows just closed at the end of their two month run and that was that.
Interestingly, theater is another good example of how reality can itself paint a rosy picture. My childhood BFF and I both went into studying acting in college; but studying acting in undergrad steered us in very different directions - I went backstage, and she went into academia, and was eventually the Dean of the Arts Program at a community college for a while. She once articulated the exact reason why she and I both moved away from acting, and why so many other acting students do - a HELL of a lot of college freshmen in acting programs are veterans of the high school musicals and community theaters where they come from, but the high school musical and the community theater scene are very, very, very different from the professional theater scene. And so you have all of these kids who were Ephelba in their small-town school's production of Wicked coming to New York to study theater and very quick realizing that "oh, hang on, this is very different." A lot of them realize pretty quick that they're actually not cut out for acting professionally like everyone told them they were.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:33 AM on December 24, 2024 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think the glaring one in my life has been marriage. I've experienced various of the things mentioned in this thread, and found some better than I was expecting, some worse, but marriage was the only experience where I felt a genuine pressure not to tell others how bad it was.
I had a good marriage with a kind spouse and we loved each other very much, and I'd simply never heard anyone say "the awful feeling of boredom and dread never goes away" - one couldn't! It would be disloyal to the person one loved most in the world! When I ended things, I felt like I was breaking a shared omerta with all my married colleagues; that I'd spilled a secret that we were all bound to keep.
I suppose I have to believe that other people don't feel that way, but I did.
posted by wattle at 8:51 AM on December 24, 2024 [11 favorites]
I had a good marriage with a kind spouse and we loved each other very much, and I'd simply never heard anyone say "the awful feeling of boredom and dread never goes away" - one couldn't! It would be disloyal to the person one loved most in the world! When I ended things, I felt like I was breaking a shared omerta with all my married colleagues; that I'd spilled a secret that we were all bound to keep.
I suppose I have to believe that other people don't feel that way, but I did.
posted by wattle at 8:51 AM on December 24, 2024 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Being an adult in general. Very glorified to kids/teens who have no idea what they're getting into. Ditto that new adults these days tend to have "learned" that they always get another chance, they won't truly be held accountable for anything until their thirties or older when they're "real" adults. Somehow 20s stopped counting - unless they want them to, and it seems very media-tied.
Childhood, if you're low income or in an abusive situation as a child, some adult (often a teacher at a public school) will "save you" - help you get scholarships and get into the right college, help you escape the abusive household, call CPS and CPS will actually DO something, etc. It's like... that's on TV as the miracle, not the reality.
Keeping the housework done. In the media, it's like sweep, splash, you're done.
Marriage/dating/finding your person.
Writing and publishing (either traditional or indie) a book.
posted by stormyteal at 9:01 AM on December 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
Childhood, if you're low income or in an abusive situation as a child, some adult (often a teacher at a public school) will "save you" - help you get scholarships and get into the right college, help you escape the abusive household, call CPS and CPS will actually DO something, etc. It's like... that's on TV as the miracle, not the reality.
Keeping the housework done. In the media, it's like sweep, splash, you're done.
Marriage/dating/finding your person.
Writing and publishing (either traditional or indie) a book.
posted by stormyteal at 9:01 AM on December 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I also think childhood is glorified! In my experience, it was awful. And I didn't have an awful childhood - I had a good one, and saw everyone around me being treated the same way. Everyone wants to knock you down a peg or teach you a lesson.
When you're a kid and you forget your coat and say you're cold, adults are all "Well, that'll teach you to remember next time!" As an adult, people are all "Here, take my coat! Let's go inside!" I'm in my mid thirties and still surprised sometimes at how much people suddenly care about my comfort.
Kids have to share their personal belongings, aren't allowed to get angry at each other - a kid punches a kid for being annoying and they're pathologized for it, whereas an adult we shrug and go "Eh, he had it coming."
posted by wheatlets at 9:05 AM on December 24, 2024 [12 favorites]
When you're a kid and you forget your coat and say you're cold, adults are all "Well, that'll teach you to remember next time!" As an adult, people are all "Here, take my coat! Let's go inside!" I'm in my mid thirties and still surprised sometimes at how much people suddenly care about my comfort.
Kids have to share their personal belongings, aren't allowed to get angry at each other - a kid punches a kid for being annoying and they're pathologized for it, whereas an adult we shrug and go "Eh, he had it coming."
posted by wheatlets at 9:05 AM on December 24, 2024 [12 favorites]
Retirement!
posted by 7 Minutes of Madness at 9:06 AM on December 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by 7 Minutes of Madness at 9:06 AM on December 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
Being a pet. People are all "It must be so nice to sit around and get fed and not have to work all day!" but being a housepet sounds like an absolute nightmare. Can't leave the house unless someone lets you, can't eat unless someone wants to feed you, zero control over things like noise and temperature...
posted by wheatlets at 9:07 AM on December 24, 2024 [8 favorites]
posted by wheatlets at 9:07 AM on December 24, 2024 [8 favorites]
What's wrong with retirement? That is, as long as you have sufficient funds ...
posted by NotLost at 9:45 AM on December 24, 2024
posted by NotLost at 9:45 AM on December 24, 2024
Dramatic intended weight loss, especially in a short time. Trust me, it's no bed of roses.
posted by jgirl at 9:45 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by jgirl at 9:45 AM on December 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
What's wrong with retirement? That is, as long as you have sufficient funds ...
One of the big existential issues for humans is freedom.
Most people don’t experience freedom until retirement and it can be extremely jarring. How do you fill 16 hours a day, every day, for the rest of your life? What happens when your scripted life has come to an end?
It’s one of the reasons that you see people go back to work after retirement. It gives them a form and purpose that they are unable to find elsewhere.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:02 AM on December 24, 2024 [9 favorites]
One of the big existential issues for humans is freedom.
Most people don’t experience freedom until retirement and it can be extremely jarring. How do you fill 16 hours a day, every day, for the rest of your life? What happens when your scripted life has come to an end?
It’s one of the reasons that you see people go back to work after retirement. It gives them a form and purpose that they are unable to find elsewhere.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:02 AM on December 24, 2024 [9 favorites]
The adult idea of "resilience" in children of divorce. From the kids' point of view, see Noah Baumbach's The Squid and the Whale or read Primal Loss: The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak.
posted by Elsie at 10:05 AM on December 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by Elsie at 10:05 AM on December 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
On pregnancy/childbirth: It's interesting because in my experience while pregnant, people (mostly women) seemed to only want to tell me the worst parts about labor and the first few years. Not in a mean or malicious way, just more like "omg I wish someone had told me this – it took weeks to heal from my tear! Colic is the worst! My spouse is useless! Now you know what to expect!" Maybe it's the area where I live, where many women wait until later in life to have babies (so maybe more of a sense of being realistic/have taken off the rosy glasses?) but my recollection is that I got way more warnings than I did encouragement like the kind you're referring to.
Also, my more cynical side thinks that keeping this whole pregnancy/childbirth/parenthood thing in the rosy view makes it easier for people to downplay the dangers and the negatives, which makes it harder to get actual care for these things and puts a stigma on people who do have any kind of issues that come up. Don't get me started on the shame some women get for daring to take pain meds during labor, for example.
As for the rosy look at parenthood in general: I wish our society wouldn't look at it like "we want to have a baby!" and put it more like, "we want to raise a person to adulthood and stayed connected until death!" because obviously the latter is more accurate. Baby/toddlerhood is such an incredibly short timeframe of the whole experience, and I don't think everyone understands that afterwards, that kid is becoming their own person by the minute – with all of the joy and complications that entails.
posted by Molasses808 at 10:09 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Also, my more cynical side thinks that keeping this whole pregnancy/childbirth/parenthood thing in the rosy view makes it easier for people to downplay the dangers and the negatives, which makes it harder to get actual care for these things and puts a stigma on people who do have any kind of issues that come up. Don't get me started on the shame some women get for daring to take pain meds during labor, for example.
As for the rosy look at parenthood in general: I wish our society wouldn't look at it like "we want to have a baby!" and put it more like, "we want to raise a person to adulthood and stayed connected until death!" because obviously the latter is more accurate. Baby/toddlerhood is such an incredibly short timeframe of the whole experience, and I don't think everyone understands that afterwards, that kid is becoming their own person by the minute – with all of the joy and complications that entails.
posted by Molasses808 at 10:09 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
I won the stock option lottery in my mid 20s. Not stupid money, but enough to buy a house when my cohort was still in apartments, and start seriously looking at building up cash reserves and long-term investments.
I was learning all about fire insurance, HOAs and mutual funds and I was effectively alone doing it. And with that head start, I’ve always been a stage ahead and sometimes even embarrassed to talk about the issues I’m facing. I was able to retire early and I’ve spent the last seven years keeping my mouth shut about how much fun I’m having. Just now my life long friends are starting to contemplate retirement, so I feel like I can share my life with them again.
On the plus side I’ve been able to answer questions for people as they move onto new economic phases of their lives, but I’ve had to make a lot of important decisions without consulting people who really know me. I have definitely felt lonely at times.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:15 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
I was learning all about fire insurance, HOAs and mutual funds and I was effectively alone doing it. And with that head start, I’ve always been a stage ahead and sometimes even embarrassed to talk about the issues I’m facing. I was able to retire early and I’ve spent the last seven years keeping my mouth shut about how much fun I’m having. Just now my life long friends are starting to contemplate retirement, so I feel like I can share my life with them again.
On the plus side I’ve been able to answer questions for people as they move onto new economic phases of their lives, but I’ve had to make a lot of important decisions without consulting people who really know me. I have definitely felt lonely at times.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:15 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Exceeding your boss' expectations. In both the IT and blue collar worlds, it's my experience that excelling in the job means you get targeted for more projects, committees and the tough jobs that no one wants. As some long-time employees say, the reward for good work is more work.
Even the nice bosses are there to drive up numbers. Remember that when thinking of working your buns off and sacrificing personal well-being.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 10:17 AM on December 24, 2024 [8 favorites]
Even the nice bosses are there to drive up numbers. Remember that when thinking of working your buns off and sacrificing personal well-being.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 10:17 AM on December 24, 2024 [8 favorites]
I don't mean to debate your original example, but vaginal tearing is commonly known and the repair of it is colloquially called the husband's stitch, so it really depends on exactly whom is experiencing the downside of your particular activity.
People already said farming, but hunting is exactly the same.
Rearing any pet is also an example. When my collection of pets passed, my life got cheaper and easier.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:19 AM on December 24, 2024
People already said farming, but hunting is exactly the same.
Rearing any pet is also an example. When my collection of pets passed, my life got cheaper and easier.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:19 AM on December 24, 2024
Best answer: Becoming a manager involves a lot of lying, frequently by omission.
Let me give you an example: One of your employees mentions in passing that they will be putting a down payment on a very expensive house tomorrow. As their manager you know that they will be laid off next Monday. Telling (or even hinting to) front-line employees that layoffs are coming is a good way to join them in the unemployment line.
That is a dramatic example of something that you'll be doing all the time. There are certain things, like layoffs or the salaries of their fellow employees, that it is part of your job to keep silent on. If you dislike anything other than full honesty with people you will have a very uncomfortable time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:40 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Let me give you an example: One of your employees mentions in passing that they will be putting a down payment on a very expensive house tomorrow. As their manager you know that they will be laid off next Monday. Telling (or even hinting to) front-line employees that layoffs are coming is a good way to join them in the unemployment line.
That is a dramatic example of something that you'll be doing all the time. There are certain things, like layoffs or the salaries of their fellow employees, that it is part of your job to keep silent on. If you dislike anything other than full honesty with people you will have a very uncomfortable time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:40 AM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Being self-employed / setting up your own business:
Yay, you get to do things the way you think they should be done, no managers telling you what to do, you're in total control of your day, huge financial payoffs when you sell the business for millions in just a few years....
Welcome to stupidly long hours where you're unlikely to be able to switch off your brain from running through all that needs to be done over the coming hours / days / weeks / months.
Money running low.. best close a deal on a new client that if you're lucky might pay out in 4 months. So I hope you've got enough to pay the rent and food bills in the meantime.
Winning a big corporate client.. Hours of meetings and countless phone calls to close the deal, them pushing on price, and then even after getting it all done, not getting paid for the work long since finished, for months.
Taking on your first colleague.. Shared the workload yay!.. Now you have a sudden increase in fixed ongoing financial costs that you have to find from somewhere. Although they're here to help, they can't do everything you normally do, although you can mostly offload part of your responsibilities, hopefully, but first you also need to show them how you want that thing to be done, ensure they have enough to do, and hope they stick around long enough in what's likely to be a challenging environment.
Employing sub-contractors.. welcome to your new HR department and team leader role, and all the rest, to add to your already full days.
You might get to charge a nice high rate for your hours actually 'working' for clients, but you don't get paid for the other 85-95% of your time doing admin, finances, marketing, sales, etc. And long gone is concept of holiday pay, let alone even regular pay.
---
Each experience of course may vary.
posted by many-things at 10:48 AM on December 24, 2024 [3 favorites]
Yay, you get to do things the way you think they should be done, no managers telling you what to do, you're in total control of your day, huge financial payoffs when you sell the business for millions in just a few years....
Welcome to stupidly long hours where you're unlikely to be able to switch off your brain from running through all that needs to be done over the coming hours / days / weeks / months.
Money running low.. best close a deal on a new client that if you're lucky might pay out in 4 months. So I hope you've got enough to pay the rent and food bills in the meantime.
Winning a big corporate client.. Hours of meetings and countless phone calls to close the deal, them pushing on price, and then even after getting it all done, not getting paid for the work long since finished, for months.
Taking on your first colleague.. Shared the workload yay!.. Now you have a sudden increase in fixed ongoing financial costs that you have to find from somewhere. Although they're here to help, they can't do everything you normally do, although you can mostly offload part of your responsibilities, hopefully, but first you also need to show them how you want that thing to be done, ensure they have enough to do, and hope they stick around long enough in what's likely to be a challenging environment.
Employing sub-contractors.. welcome to your new HR department and team leader role, and all the rest, to add to your already full days.
You might get to charge a nice high rate for your hours actually 'working' for clients, but you don't get paid for the other 85-95% of your time doing admin, finances, marketing, sales, etc. And long gone is concept of holiday pay, let alone even regular pay.
---
Each experience of course may vary.
posted by many-things at 10:48 AM on December 24, 2024 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I 2nd cancer! I mean I wasn’t expecting it all to be great fun, but I definitely expected to lose weight. I even asked my oncologist when I would get the unintended weight loss. He told me that only some cancers make you lose weight and that people with my type of cancer (breast) actually tend to gain weight from comfort eating!
Also menopause. I have been looking forward for so long to not having periods anymore. But I was not warned about the facial hair or weak bladder.
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 11:40 AM on December 24, 2024 [3 favorites]
Also menopause. I have been looking forward for so long to not having periods anymore. But I was not warned about the facial hair or weak bladder.
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 11:40 AM on December 24, 2024 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: This has been amazing! These answers have truly expanded my awareness.
I wouldn't have guessed elementary school!
I vaguely knew about academia, starting a business, theatre, caregiving, and the other answers, but it was super interesting to hear the specifics.
I will keep reading and favoriting other answers that come in. Thanks to all!
posted by vienna at 12:34 PM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
I wouldn't have guessed elementary school!
I vaguely knew about academia, starting a business, theatre, caregiving, and the other answers, but it was super interesting to hear the specifics.
I will keep reading and favoriting other answers that come in. Thanks to all!
posted by vienna at 12:34 PM on December 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Adding to the cancer stuff. Speaking as a 4.5 year survivor (yay me), I have come to call chemotherapy “the gift that keeps on giving”. To wit: neuropathy in my feet (and sometimes in my fingertips), chronic diarrhea, which was exacerbated by a newly-developed pancreatic enzyme insufficiency (I’m convinced chemo damaged my pancreas), and a mild intolerance to alcohol - esp red wine, more that a couple drinks per week spells trouble. The last item is probably better for my overall health, but dang I miss red wine!
However! I will absolutely take all of the above over the alternative! It’s just that none of the docs or nurses I spoke with during chemo ever warned me about how long-lasting and changing these things might be. I’m sure many people get through their chemo with no lasting damage, but not this gal.
posted by dbmcd at 4:33 PM on December 24, 2024 [4 favorites]
However! I will absolutely take all of the above over the alternative! It’s just that none of the docs or nurses I spoke with during chemo ever warned me about how long-lasting and changing these things might be. I’m sure many people get through their chemo with no lasting damage, but not this gal.
posted by dbmcd at 4:33 PM on December 24, 2024 [4 favorites]
Recovering from a significant injury, like a car accident. Movies depict noble hobbling on a crutch for a few days, and then all back to normal. In reality it's weeks of recovery and physical rehab, and you may have pain or lingering injuries that last for years or the rest of your life.
posted by Rora at 10:38 AM on December 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
posted by Rora at 10:38 AM on December 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Moving to a new country, especially if it has a primary language that you’re not yet totally fluent in. Many people imagine this like a delightful dream, as if it will feel like vacationing does: full of novelty, cultural exploration, delight. But it’s very different in reality. If you try to actually settle in another country, you will feel your outsider-ness in a million little ways. All sorts of stuff you knew how to do in your home country will be significantly different in the new place - signing a lease, finding a doctor, paying bills, enrolling your child in school, you name it. Much time and energy will go to figuring out endless basic pragmatic things that felt almost automatic at home. This can be exhausting and make for great feelings of loneliness.
posted by marlys at 9:44 PM on December 25, 2024 [7 favorites]
posted by marlys at 9:44 PM on December 25, 2024 [7 favorites]
Adoption. It’s often portrayed as a relatively simple, ultimately happy experience in films and TV shows, especially in the past but even in the present day (e.g. the most recent season of Shrinking).
I think this media portrayal has influenced the general public, because when we were experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss, a LOT of people encouraged us to pursue foster care or adoption. But when I asked the encouragers what they actually knew about foster care/adoption, it turned out very few of them were familiar with today’s realities of foster care systems, or domestic/international adoptions. People really didn’t seem to understand that adoption is not a “cure” for infertility, or that adoption can be traumatic for the birth parent or the child. A lot of people who suggested adoption to us seemed to vaguely think the process was as easy and unproblematic as adopting a puppy at the SPCA, just with a few extra checks and steps.
We are also not American, and there are differences between foster care/adoption systems in different countries, but most of the people who suggested adoption to me seemed unaware that our systems are different from the US.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:18 PM on December 26, 2024 [5 favorites]
I think this media portrayal has influenced the general public, because when we were experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss, a LOT of people encouraged us to pursue foster care or adoption. But when I asked the encouragers what they actually knew about foster care/adoption, it turned out very few of them were familiar with today’s realities of foster care systems, or domestic/international adoptions. People really didn’t seem to understand that adoption is not a “cure” for infertility, or that adoption can be traumatic for the birth parent or the child. A lot of people who suggested adoption to us seemed to vaguely think the process was as easy and unproblematic as adopting a puppy at the SPCA, just with a few extra checks and steps.
We are also not American, and there are differences between foster care/adoption systems in different countries, but most of the people who suggested adoption to me seemed unaware that our systems are different from the US.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:18 PM on December 26, 2024 [5 favorites]
Seconding adoption, and for all three sides. There's a sense that it stops at the placement or legalisation, but adoption reverberates for decades for everyone involved.
IVF is also super overplayed as straightforward in media. The hormonal rollarcoaster is intense, the cost can be staggering and the odds are way, way worse than people want to believe. There's a lot of hidden grief and shame.
Leaving your faith - there's a whole oh we left and we're now happy atheists or new-religion, but these are often extremely important social networks and mental frameworks and the change is something that takes years and has a big impact. It's not as simple as "I stopped going to church" or "I don't believe in XYZ anymore".
Countering that - in my lifetime, I've seen miscarriage and eating disorders specifically become things no longer summarily dismissed as minor issues and given a much better public and media understanding as significant and traumatic events.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:36 AM on December 29, 2024 [2 favorites]
IVF is also super overplayed as straightforward in media. The hormonal rollarcoaster is intense, the cost can be staggering and the odds are way, way worse than people want to believe. There's a lot of hidden grief and shame.
Leaving your faith - there's a whole oh we left and we're now happy atheists or new-religion, but these are often extremely important social networks and mental frameworks and the change is something that takes years and has a big impact. It's not as simple as "I stopped going to church" or "I don't believe in XYZ anymore".
Countering that - in my lifetime, I've seen miscarriage and eating disorders specifically become things no longer summarily dismissed as minor issues and given a much better public and media understanding as significant and traumatic events.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:36 AM on December 29, 2024 [2 favorites]
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* Being president or other head of government.
* Being underworked.
posted by NotLost at 5:31 AM on December 24, 2024