Aging, mentally ill parent declining rapidly. Next steps?
November 25, 2024 4:01 PM Subscribe
My father is in his early 70s, acting erratically, living in unsafe conditions and getting scammed. What should our next steps be?
My father is in his early 70s with severe bipolar disorder and a history of opioid abuse. He has been divorced for the past 30 years and lives in independent housing in New York State subsidized by a non-profit. I live across the country from him and travel to help him 4x a year. He has manic phases frequently and rapid emotional cycling.
He has very few assets, I believe he receives SSI, SNAP, Medicaid and Medicare. He has Meals on Wheels visiting weekdays w wellness checks, a visiting nurse service coming 3x a week and access to social opportunities, rides to grocery stores and home cleaning through a local non-profit that he refuses to use. He is estranged from most of his family and friends but I am getting my sister and my dad's brother to help.
His housing caseworker, who recently quit, called me several months ago with concerns about the cleanliness of my father's apartment, his ability to complete daily tasks and his psychological state. I was working on getting a power of attorney for him and getting a home health aide and then got a separate phone call several days ago from his neighbor who was concerned about his behavior. I called my dad and he was slurring his words and had trouble following a basic conversation.
I got on a flight to see what was going on and his apartment was barely habitable w serious hygiene issues, multiple fire risks and no easy pathway from his bed to the kitchen, bathroom and front door. He had several months of laundry that has not been done. He apparently lost the passwords to his email account and has been making a series of new email accounts every time he forgets his password. He has not been receiving essential communications, was not aware how much he had in his bank account, has not been making monthly payments on his credit cards and appears to have multiple credit cards that have gone to collections.
I also found out that he has stopped seeing his psychiatrist and has been off his psych meds for an undisclosed period of time. He has a morphine pump implanted in him for neuropathy, takes large quantities of prescribed gabapentin daily and also smokes weed.
My dad bought up multiple times in conversation and I saw in his text messages multiple things that indicate he is being scammed. He is talking to a series of women online he met on Facebook and he is convinced that one of them will move in with him.
I made a New York State power of attorney form with Rocket Lawyer and was able to get it signed and notarized at his bank and to find out how much was in his accounts, which was a huge win. I do not know if it was legally valid and haven't spoken with a lawyer yet due to how quickly shit hit the fan with him. My sister already has healthcare proxy rights for him.
The big problem... I originally thought my dad could stay on his own in his housing indefinitely with a home health aide but he seems to be declining too rapidly for that.
What are the best options for him and the best next steps for me to help protect him from himself?
My father is in his early 70s with severe bipolar disorder and a history of opioid abuse. He has been divorced for the past 30 years and lives in independent housing in New York State subsidized by a non-profit. I live across the country from him and travel to help him 4x a year. He has manic phases frequently and rapid emotional cycling.
He has very few assets, I believe he receives SSI, SNAP, Medicaid and Medicare. He has Meals on Wheels visiting weekdays w wellness checks, a visiting nurse service coming 3x a week and access to social opportunities, rides to grocery stores and home cleaning through a local non-profit that he refuses to use. He is estranged from most of his family and friends but I am getting my sister and my dad's brother to help.
His housing caseworker, who recently quit, called me several months ago with concerns about the cleanliness of my father's apartment, his ability to complete daily tasks and his psychological state. I was working on getting a power of attorney for him and getting a home health aide and then got a separate phone call several days ago from his neighbor who was concerned about his behavior. I called my dad and he was slurring his words and had trouble following a basic conversation.
I got on a flight to see what was going on and his apartment was barely habitable w serious hygiene issues, multiple fire risks and no easy pathway from his bed to the kitchen, bathroom and front door. He had several months of laundry that has not been done. He apparently lost the passwords to his email account and has been making a series of new email accounts every time he forgets his password. He has not been receiving essential communications, was not aware how much he had in his bank account, has not been making monthly payments on his credit cards and appears to have multiple credit cards that have gone to collections.
I also found out that he has stopped seeing his psychiatrist and has been off his psych meds for an undisclosed period of time. He has a morphine pump implanted in him for neuropathy, takes large quantities of prescribed gabapentin daily and also smokes weed.
My dad bought up multiple times in conversation and I saw in his text messages multiple things that indicate he is being scammed. He is talking to a series of women online he met on Facebook and he is convinced that one of them will move in with him.
I made a New York State power of attorney form with Rocket Lawyer and was able to get it signed and notarized at his bank and to find out how much was in his accounts, which was a huge win. I do not know if it was legally valid and haven't spoken with a lawyer yet due to how quickly shit hit the fan with him. My sister already has healthcare proxy rights for him.
The big problem... I originally thought my dad could stay on his own in his housing indefinitely with a home health aide but he seems to be declining too rapidly for that.
What are the best options for him and the best next steps for me to help protect him from himself?
Not many best options here.
Power of Attorney for sure. Then, contact his banks and try to stop his scammers.
But, it seems like assisted living is going to have to become a thing for him. Though smoking weed might be a problem for assisted living arrangements.
I'm not there yet, though I can see it coming, and it's scary as foretold. Find somewhere where he will be safe. Clean out his stuff. Sell his house to pay for the assisted living. Get him back on his meds. Maybe, the meds that would be enough to keep things going for a while, but if the decline is so obvious, sometimes it's time.
Very sorry. It sucks to be there, for both of you.
posted by Windopaene at 4:16 PM on November 25
Power of Attorney for sure. Then, contact his banks and try to stop his scammers.
But, it seems like assisted living is going to have to become a thing for him. Though smoking weed might be a problem for assisted living arrangements.
I'm not there yet, though I can see it coming, and it's scary as foretold. Find somewhere where he will be safe. Clean out his stuff. Sell his house to pay for the assisted living. Get him back on his meds. Maybe, the meds that would be enough to keep things going for a while, but if the decline is so obvious, sometimes it's time.
Very sorry. It sucks to be there, for both of you.
posted by Windopaene at 4:16 PM on November 25
I was a young adult in the 1970's, having been raised by my mother and her sister (my father was never in the picture) in Philadelphia. My aunt was bipolar and so from an early age I knew she wasn't "all there". One time after I had my driver's license my mother asked me to take my aunt to the airport, she wanted to see this old male friend who lived in California and who she was convinced would marry her. She didn't pack suitcases she packed trash bags. I gave the sky cap cash to get it processed despite the weirdness. She showed up in California at the man's home and he was married. She then flew back home dejected.
I say all the above because people just never seem to fully grasp the depths to which bipolar and severe depression can wreck a person's life. The typical response I would hear is: "but that doesn't make any sense at all!". Right, if you get that far then you really do understand.
This "answer" was just to help you turn off the "logical" part of your brain, and to just build fences (as you have been doing) to corral your father and his actions and his money while also trying to make sure he stays safe and gets the medication and help he really needs. Granted, him consistently taking his psych Rx is a burden of its own. I hope this was of some value (?).
posted by forthright at 4:43 PM on November 25 [4 favorites]
I say all the above because people just never seem to fully grasp the depths to which bipolar and severe depression can wreck a person's life. The typical response I would hear is: "but that doesn't make any sense at all!". Right, if you get that far then you really do understand.
This "answer" was just to help you turn off the "logical" part of your brain, and to just build fences (as you have been doing) to corral your father and his actions and his money while also trying to make sure he stays safe and gets the medication and help he really needs. Granted, him consistently taking his psych Rx is a burden of its own. I hope this was of some value (?).
posted by forthright at 4:43 PM on November 25 [4 favorites]
What are the best options for him and the best next steps for me to help protect him from himself?
I realize this is not the answer you want, but it's the answer to your question: talk to a lawyer, preferably one familiar with elder law.
You are getting into areas of the law that expose you to potential significant personal liability, as well as being particularly complicated. You should be operating under the direction of a lawyer, not an advice website. Further, the agreements you have likely can be terminated by your father at any time, so you will want something more robust given you are also dealing with your father's mental health.
posted by saeculorum at 4:45 PM on November 25 [14 favorites]
I realize this is not the answer you want, but it's the answer to your question: talk to a lawyer, preferably one familiar with elder law.
You are getting into areas of the law that expose you to potential significant personal liability, as well as being particularly complicated. You should be operating under the direction of a lawyer, not an advice website. Further, the agreements you have likely can be terminated by your father at any time, so you will want something more robust given you are also dealing with your father's mental health.
posted by saeculorum at 4:45 PM on November 25 [14 favorites]
I think you are going to need the help of a mental health agency. Maybe take a look at this New York State Office of Mental Health website.
posted by SageTrail at 4:46 PM on November 25 [3 favorites]
posted by SageTrail at 4:46 PM on November 25 [3 favorites]
Been in a similar situation with my dad. The POA will help. Close all the old bank accounts and open new ones for him, in the event that his account information has been compromised. Put a freeze in his credit as well as his SSN. Experian helps with this. Delete all the old email accounts or just let them fade away and open one central email account that you have the PW for. If he has a working phone, reset the PIN and limit access to usage. You need the PIN and to know what's going on in in his phone, even if it doesn't feel good to do so. Or possibly you could get him a limited phone, the type that are child safe. In regards to the laundry, can you hire a laundry pick up/drop off company to deal with it? Or if there's any local community groups or churches that might have members that would be willing and happy to volunteer to help out with making his apartment habitable again. You can also called habitat for humanity. I'll add more if I think of anything. Sorry you're going through this, it really sucks.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:27 AM on November 26 [1 favorite]
posted by erattacorrige at 7:27 AM on November 26 [1 favorite]
Depending on your budget, it's time to hire a caretaker or get your parent to a senior home.
The government may help. You need to find his new caseworker and figure out what else can be provided / referred / paid for / subsidized to contribute to his care.
posted by kschang at 1:58 PM on November 26 [1 favorite]
The government may help. You need to find his new caseworker and figure out what else can be provided / referred / paid for / subsidized to contribute to his care.
posted by kschang at 1:58 PM on November 26 [1 favorite]
Look into the Program for all Inclusive Care for the Elderly also know as PACE. They can provide him with services to help him stay at home. His home health nurse should have been monitoring whether he was taking his medication as prescribed or not. Also are you his representative payee for SSI? Do you know who is? And see if he will sign a healthcare power of attorney naming you as his substitute medical decision maker.
posted by SyraCarol at 2:46 PM on November 26
posted by SyraCarol at 2:46 PM on November 26
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