Does toilet paper embarrass you?

November 16, 2024 10:54 AM

Yesterday, my grocery delivery driver had an extreme reaction to carrying toilet paper. The store hadn’t put it in a bag and she didn’t want to be seen carrying it to my door. Is this as uncommon as it seems?

Just wondering if this would bother anyone else. This was a middle-aged woman. She was very upset and behaving as if this was a serious humiliation.

posted by dianeF to Human Relations (34 answers total)

No, but I shared the pic I took of my new decorative container for my fiber supplement with several people yesterday so I may be an outlier.

On the other hand, even when only around women family members my grandma would say brassiere in hushed tones, so people come into things with all sorts of baggage and hangups.
posted by phunniemee at 11:00 AM on November 16, 2024 [4 favorites]

I feel a bit embarrassed to be seen carrying things connected to excreta. Toilet paper isn't so bad, but, for instance, one Sunday morning, one of my family members (not even me!!!) clogged our toilet, so I ran to the dollar store up the street and bought a plunger. By rote, I didn't take a plastic bag... which meant I had to carry a plunger down my street... past my favourite brunch place... where guaranteed at least 4 people I knew slightly would be looking out the window. Carrying home NOTHING BUT A PLUNGER at 10am on a Sunday morning tells a very clear story that I didn't want to be a part of. As I approached the restaurant I realized my predicament. I hid the plunger under my Tshirt, on the side of my body that was facing the road instead of the plate-glass windows, and speed walked past, head down, face burning, laughing at myself inside my very embarrassed head. So yeah, I guess I understand a part of it...

But also, she's a DELIVERY DRIVER! So the toilet paper is by definition for YOUR bum not hers! And will be seen by YOUR neighbours not hers!... So that part makes no sense at all.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:04 AM on November 16, 2024 [22 favorites]

There is almost nothing available in a grocery store that I would bother feeling embarrassed about. I would march down the street balancing a box of tampons in the bowl of a plunger I was carrying like I was leading a marching band, wearing a hat made of Charmin.

Occasionally I buy two boxes of Franzia wine at a time, when it's really on sale, and I do have a moment walking across the parking lot where I think "this doesn't look great" but also "but I just saved like $12".
posted by Lyn Never at 11:20 AM on November 16, 2024 [51 favorites]

No, this would not faze me.

Could she be new to the delivery driver gig and embarrassed about it for some other reason?
posted by eirias at 11:21 AM on November 16, 2024 [2 favorites]

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It would never even have occurred to me to be embarrassed about it.
posted by Redstart at 11:31 AM on November 16, 2024 [11 favorites]

Being embarrassed to carry toilet paper feels like it's on the same maturity level as kids thinking it's embarrassing when their biology teacher says "vagina" or "penis". You expect that reaction from kids, not adults.

But then I have middle aged (like me) male friends who would be mortified if they had to visibly buy sanitary wear for their wife or daughter whereas I couldn't care less if people think that I or someone in my house is a normal human being. So I might be an outlier, who knows.
posted by underclocked at 11:31 AM on November 16, 2024 [17 favorites]

Maybe it's their neighborhood and they're worried that carrying a large item makes it obvious to people who know them that they're doing gig work?
posted by zippy at 11:31 AM on November 16, 2024 [6 favorites]

My mother used to be embarrassed about carrying toilet paper in exactly the same way.
posted by Zumbador at 11:32 AM on November 16, 2024 [6 favorites]

Not only does toilet paper not embarrass me, it had literally never occurred to me until reading this post that it could embarrass anyone, much less a middle aged adult.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 11:37 AM on November 16, 2024 [36 favorites]

For whatever anecdata is worth, we’ve had groceries delivered weekly since pretty early in the COVID pandemic, when we buy toilet paper it’s in big package sizes that don’t fit in bags, and no one of any age or gender has ever expressed any concern about being seen carrying it from their car to my porch.
posted by Stacey at 11:37 AM on November 16, 2024 [3 favorites]

I'm really easily embarrassed in general (this includes when buying things like tampons or condoms or a plunger, despite knowing that it is illogical and preferring not to be embarrassed about these totally normal and fine things) and it's never occurred to me to be embarrassed about toilet paper. I see it as exactly equivalent to paper towels or tissues.

I think the reaction you observed is well outside of the norm, at least around here - perhaps a cultural difference or just an individual quirk?
posted by randomnity at 11:59 AM on November 16, 2024 [1 favorite]

I love the scene in “Bend it like Beckham” where Tony is carrying the 36-count pack of toilet paper for his mom bc it’s big and awkward and won’t fit in her bag so of course. But maybe your delivery driver comes from a family where nobody poops and they can’t relate.
posted by toodleydoodley at 12:00 PM on November 16, 2024 [1 favorite]

Nothing like this would embarrass me, no, but I can easily imagine that a middle-aged woman who previously inhabited a white collar/professional high-income social environment and due to some unwanted turn of events is now carrying toilet paper in her job as a delivery driver would be touchy about it.
posted by HotToddy at 12:03 PM on November 16, 2024 [9 favorites]

Her feelings about it are her problem. I think "serious humiliation" is way out of bounds. Mild embarrassment, maybe, but also, grow up? Literally everyone buys toilet paper until we figure out how to use the shells.
posted by axiom at 12:20 PM on November 16, 2024 [8 favorites]

Was the overall package comically large?
posted by unknowncommand at 12:27 PM on November 16, 2024 [1 favorite]

I embarrass easily and blush like nobodies business...it's an actual involuntary reaction and there is a medical term for it. I'm not a prude in anyway at all. Can tell a blue joke with the best of them. Except when it comes to that particular bodily function. I get embarrassed putting the toilet paper on the counter at the supermarket. It's crazy I know. And I get so embarrassed when someone breaks wind. I actually feel embarrassed for them.
posted by Czjewel at 12:28 PM on November 16, 2024 [2 favorites]

I don't think it's necessarily abnormal to be embarrassed by buying or carrying toilet paper. It depends on how you were raised and your personal temperament. I was raised with a kind of stuffy middle class propriety where you just don't acknowledge the fact that people poop unless it's necessary. The first time I had to buy toilet paper for myself it was a little embarrassing. I quickly got over it though.

I think being visibly upset about carrying toilet paper is abnormal. It's something most people have to do, unless someone else does their shopping for them. How does she usually buy toilet paper for herself?

I honestly would suspect that something else was going on that you just interpreted as being about the toilet paper. Like the suggestion that it was some mild level of embarrassment that combined with the "humilitation" of doing gig work that combined to cause an extreme, abnormal reaction. Or she could just have something else going on. Maybe she has some form of mental illness that made that hard.

If the motivation for your question is whether you should feel bad for ordering toilet paper and embarrassing your delivery driver, no. That wasn't something you should have expected to happen - like if you ordered a brand of crackers that inadvertently reminded your delivery driver of a recently deceased relative, for example.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:55 PM on November 16, 2024 [3 favorites]

It wouldn’t bother me a bit, and if it did, I would take it as a sign that grocery delivery was not a good career choice for me.

Was this person trying to guilt you into a bigger tip, perhaps?
posted by rpfields at 1:45 PM on November 16, 2024 [4 favorites]

Years ago I overheard an older woman in a grocery store shyly asking the clerk where she “could find the T.P.” He didn’t know what she was talking about. She didn’t want say anything more but eventually she whispered to him “toilet paper.” Clearly inner household it was an unmentionable.

I’ve gotten over shyness about buying tampons or whatever (cis guy fwiw). Once, though, in a CVS I ran into an old acquaintance. We hugged and when I stepped back I realized I was holding lice treatment in my hands. That was embarrassing.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 2:13 PM on November 16, 2024 [8 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses! Hadn’t considered the reversal-of-fortune angle, especially.

Here’s what happened: Instead of leaving it at the door, she knocked long enough that I had to answer it. She said that the toilet paper (a 4-pack) wasn’t in a bag and she didn’t want to leave it for others to see. She was furious at the store for not putting it in a bag and told me how horrible it had been to walk outside and through the building with it. She was really upset.

Since she was concerned about sparing me this shame as well, I don’t think it was related to feelings about her job.
posted by dianeF at 2:50 PM on November 16, 2024 [9 favorites]

I don't embarrass easily and I don't really care if people see me buying toilet paper or anything else related to bodily functions. We're humans and we all do the same things. I'm kind of too old to care at this point, honestly.

But I can't fault anyone for feeling otherwise. I think that's completely valid. With your update, I'm willing to extend this woman some empathy. She was clearly also trying to think about your feelings and save you from embarrassment. It's a bit weird, sure, but I think she meant it kindly.

(I do have a very distinct memory of visibly carrying an extra-large stick of deodorant in a Wal-Mart as a teenager when a group of fairly cute teenage boys passed by me. It was one of those moments where it felt comically large in my hands. But that was 30 years ago. I wouldn't care now.)
posted by edencosmic at 7:19 PM on November 16, 2024 [1 favorite]

In fact I carry a roll of toilet paper with me everywhere and stare intently when I encounter anyone, and the toilet paper is my telescope deep into their soul
posted by ginger.beef at 7:51 PM on November 16, 2024 [5 favorites]

I don't feel embarrassed about carrying a pack I've bought for myself in public, or getting it for other people. I do sometimes get slightly embarrassed at the thought of the delivery people who deposit it outside my door - like I've exposed an embarrassing part of my life for them to handle - but this is a mild embarrassment and I tell myself not to bother thinking about it.

Her reaction sounds way stronger than anything normal, but hey, we're all outliers in one way or another.
posted by trig at 8:14 PM on November 16, 2024

Mod note: One removed; suggesting that the driver might be an immigrant seems like stereotyping speculation.
posted by taz (staff) at 9:14 PM on November 16, 2024

A decade ago I was pleased when I realized the corner store in my new high rise neighborhood had TP with a built in handle on the package! Nothing fancy, just an extra fold of the wrapper with a hole in it. Made it much easier to get everything through the various doors of apartment life.


Mentioned it to my mother and she purported to be embarrassed by it. She checked with her sister who was also embarrassed.

?? They lived all around the world as children, they’ve both raised children, and animals, one of them is a nurse, my mother used very salty language in my youth… I have no idea where it came from and am not at all sure my mother would always have reacted the same. But I can aver that it happens!
posted by clew at 10:48 PM on November 16, 2024 [4 favorites]

I'm another one to whom it never occurred to be embarrassed.

I buy toilet paper in bulk from Who Gives a Crap and it comes in massive boxes saying things like "nice bum" on them in big letters. The delivery driver leaves them in the lobby of my building. It never occurred to me to be embarrassed. I'm pretty sure my neighbours know I have a loo in my flat.

Like others, I can't judge the driver for her feelings, I'm just surprised at them.
posted by rubbish bin night at 6:35 AM on November 17, 2024 [6 favorites]

Hi, I use to deliver packages (and mail). That means climbing 3 flights of stairs with heavy packages that shift a lot, like kitty litter, water, or animal food. I have felt somewhat embarrassed at times doing that, 'cause like I'm an older person and this is where life has brought me, wtf (no worries, personal thing)?

I have NEVER EVER considered knocking on someone's door until they answer because of toilet paper or anything being delivered. I have never thought of doing that and none of my coworkers would do that, because we got stuff to deliver at the next 100-150 stops.

I have knocked on doors until someone could respond for Certified Mail, because someone needs to sign, it's legally required. Even then, I'm impatient and usually only wait for a minute or so, 'cause I got another 100-150 stops.

So yeah, any delivery person getting worried about toilet paper being seen has some other issues going on. They have my sympathy, but it's still their issue that needs to be worked out for their job at least.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:22 AM on November 17, 2024 [4 favorites]

My husband sometimes buys bumper packs of, like, 24 rolls of toilet paper and I think it's hilarious in a "haha, busy weekend?" kind of way. So perhaps mildly embarassing but also people need to get over themselves.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:37 AM on November 17, 2024

I find this silly, but some people have had weird upbringings.
posted by theora55 at 4:59 PM on November 17, 2024

Some cultures don't use toilet paper and would be embarrassed if the folks back home knew what they were up to.

On a side note, is anyone else tempted to stock up on TP, paper towels & kleenex these days?
posted by morspin at 10:25 PM on November 17, 2024

In 1960, comedian Jack Parr had a bit he did on the "Tonight Show" censored for referring to a "W.C." (Water closet, i.e. toilet.) Based on that, it seems reasonable to conclude that generational norms around discussion of bodily functions have changed radically over the years. Some superstitions, taboos etc seem to linger in particular families far longer than in the broader culture.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 4:54 AM on November 18, 2024

[...] and she didn’t want to leave it for others to see

"Oh, that's ok - all my neighbors know I poop" would have been my reaction.

Is it possible, that the delivery person was not embarrassed by having to carry the toilet paper, but worried about potentially putting YOU in position of embarrassment in front of your neighbors? She might have had the same reaction had you ordered a bottle or two of vodka? Discretion about what is delivered is probably drilled into the delivery drivers really hard, as some (many(?)) people get funny about exposing their lives (what they eat, how they wipe, etc.) to neighbors.
posted by Dotty at 6:37 AM on November 18, 2024 [1 favorite]

I remember being embarrassed about things like that when younger. Practicality has since won out, but there was a certain sense of 'this is a thing people shouldn't see' and I have no idea where I got it from, but something existed as a general sense of 'politeness'.
Similarly the pharmacies had a small stash of paper bags so they could bag your menstrual products in something something opaque, rather than the usual translucent plastic bag.
posted by platypus of the universe at 2:35 PM on November 18, 2024

By rote, I didn't take a plastic bag... which meant I had to carry a plunger down my street... past my favourite brunch place... where guaranteed at least 4 people I knew slightly would be looking out the window.

I would not be embarrassed to carry toilet paper, or a plunger, or do a Dalek impression outside of the brunch place. I may be an outlier on that last one.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 9:58 PM on November 19, 2024