Old Colleage - Terrible News, Pass Along (CW: bad stuff inside)

November 13, 2024 7:52 AM

A couple of weeks ago, my old colleague (lets call her M) passed away tragically, and turns out all signs point to spousal abuse and eventual tragedy. We weren't super close, but I was her first manager, and over the years, we ended up working together a lot, with her even managing me at times. She was a pretty big deal in our company eventually. I know that some of my other current and ex colleagues knew her. They may not know about the situation, I am conflicted about letting people know and also pushing for our company to address it. Some details inside

My company was pretty small, 200 people, which was as close as you could get to a company with people distributed across the country. We got bought by a huge company and M left a year or two into the acquisition. My company is still a formal entity in the new large company. Many but not all of these people live in the same area that M resided. Circumstances of the situation, which are rich attractive white people means that this is already BIG NEWS (like local tv, and local paper) in the city but outside city have not likely reached.

I'm not sure why exactly I have the urge or the urge not to pass on the information. My non-urge is if you didn't interact with this person on a daily basis after you left, your life would be same if you didn't hear it. On the other hand, if you do find out and nobody told you would feel out of the loop and a weird sensation fo not knowing. Also there's something about me maybe processing this grief. But rather not put it on others. It feels like gossip almost too?

Categories of colleagues:

- Set of ex colleagues i talk to almost daily on slack: where I found the information, we are processing it daily
- ex/current Colleague/friends who I talk to monthly (On text/chat): im thinking about texting and telling them about if they've heard
-Current colleagues i dont talk to but are all part of the same organization: I'd like to ask leadership to make a statement, or something acknowledging it. This situation is traumitizing to me and i cannot fathom how it would make the women in my organization or those who work with them closely feel

posted by sandmanwv to Society & Culture (14 answers total)

Best answer: I have been through a relatively high profile but highly localized tragedy (meaning covered on local news but not outside of that). I feel strongly that you don’t need to be informing people about this and that the org doesn’t need to make a statement. You’re already processing it with people that care. The response of people who aren’t as close the situation is likely to be somewhat disappointing.

In terms of your org, if she still worked there that would be one thing, but she doesn’t and it would be weird and confusing for leadership to communicate about a non work related death of a former employee.

One thing I experienced was people kind of trying to make my thing about them or be a part of it in weird ways. Take the time you need to process and deal with your grief and ?maybe your feelings of guilt about not knowing or not being in a position to support her while she was alive? If that’s factoring in to your feelings.

But it’s not your story and it’s not your job to run around and inform people and try to get a specific response from them. It doesn’t help her and people’s interest is likely to be passing and prurient. I’d encourage you to acknowledge and work through your own feelings and not worry about informing others.
posted by jeoc at 8:20 AM on November 13, 2024 [15 favorites]

Sorry for this painful situation.

I think you tell the ex/current work group that you talk to monthly. These are folks who would actually care and want to know this sad news.

As far as the current company making an announcement, when did M. leave? If she hasn't been there for a few years, I don't see how this warrants an announcement, or if it is even appropriate.

This situation is traumatizing to me and i cannot fathom how it would make the women in my organization or those who work with them closely feel

I appreciate your shock and feelings of sympathy for M. and whatever her situation was. But all workplaces lose employees/ past employees to tragedies and accidents. This news is not going to have the same effect on these strangers as it will on you. I don't see the point of updating them, it seems more like you are in pain and want to do something.

Give yourself some time to feel badly about this. Reach out to your friends. If your workplace has any employee assistance program, you might want to check that out.

Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 8:25 AM on November 13, 2024 [2 favorites]

She was a pretty big deal in our company eventually. I know that some of my other current and ex colleagues knew her. They may not know about the situation, I am conflicted about letting people know and also pushing for our company to address it.

It feels like those who knew her and would want to know are already finding out, without you having to do anything out of the ordinary.

You don't explain what "the situation" is, other than the fact that you suspect spousal abuse. This may well be gossip (as you suggest), hearsay, speculation, not a known fact, and I would not pass it along except possibly, possibly, in conversation (not email), only with the closest of associates. Maybe.

As to "pushing for the company to address it," you don't explain how or why, unless they are culpable in "the situation." If you really think they are and have facts, report it in accordance with whatever the personnel policy says (to HR, company lawyers, a board member, etc. depending on circumstances).
posted by beagle at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2024 [1 favorite]

When you experience a loss like this, your nervous system flips into DO SOMETHING mode. Fix it! Solve it! That might undo it!

It won't. I'm sorry, I know you ache to do something.

This poor woman's business doesn't need to be talked about at this time. Presumably the people who loved her are trying to navigate an incredibly painful situation.

There may well be a time and place for internal discussions with HR about creating safety for vulnerable employees, but that should be done with some structure and not in a reactive manner.

Donate some money and/or time to a local org working to help people in this situation. It'll give you a direction for your understandable anxiety.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:58 AM on November 13, 2024 [5 favorites]

Best answer: : I'd like to ask leadership to make a statement

Tell your HR team about it, and let them make the call. Depending on the person (like actually a major role with large impact) we might do something like this...

Team, we were saddened to learn today of the passing of our former colleague Soando. Soandso worked with us back during [timeframe] and was integral in building Company name into what it is today.

If you would like to pay respects to Soandso's family, information on the services can be found here: link

We understand many of our long tenured colleagues were quite close with Soandso. If you need additional support during this time you can contact our EAP for free and speak with a counselor. That phone number is here: ###

posted by phunniemee at 9:09 AM on November 13, 2024 [19 favorites]

If you feel the urge to do something and she had children maybe send a note of your memories of their mom.
posted by MadMadam at 9:17 AM on November 13, 2024

You're having a trauma reaction, and you're waffling between "fight" (scream it from the rooftops, demand others address the situation) and "flight" (don't talk about it...although this seems less.)

- Set of ex colleagues i talk to almost daily on slack: where I found the information, we are processing it daily

Consider whether the processing as a group is helpful if it's helping daily. You may be holding each other in a state of heightened emotion/awareness, especially in a place like Slack text where you can't see if others are focusing or see their body language. It might be good to start to normalize NOT talking about it. (This is very specific to a group. But if it's a work related chat I had to keep an eye on, I personally would find this very difficult.)

- ex/current Colleague/friends who I talk to monthly (On text/chat): im thinking about texting and telling them about if they've heard

If it's news, you don't have to tell them. This is you shouting from the mountaintops/writing a requiem and it's understandable but I think what you will end up doing is keeping yourself and others in a trauma space in a work context and I think that's not great.

-Current colleagues i dont talk to but are all part of the same organization: I'd like to ask leadership to make a statement, or something acknowledging it. This situation is traumitizing to me and i cannot fathom how it would make the women in my organization or those who work with them closely feel

Leadership is not responsible for this situation or for fixing it. Like stated above, a brief statement might be okay. But the traumatic parts of this sad tale honestly in my opinion do not belong in this person's former workplace, where there are a wide variety of people with different backgrounds dealing with different things in their own ways.

So...what do you do instead?

Here's what I am guessing. You are having this outsized, 'tell everyone, get the corporate wheels moving on this!' reaction because you do not want to sit with your own feelings about it. I would recommend you take an afternoon or a day off. Go for a walk and get a warm hot chocolate or beverage of choice and sit down and just feel. What's happening in your body when you think of this? What memories about your colleague surface? What feelings of powerlessness come up for you? Let them come, and let them go.

Then you can figure out if you want to go to a memorial service or volunteer around domestic abuse or make a donation or leave a stone on the beach or just move on.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:18 AM on November 13, 2024 [3 favorites]

I think telling people that she passed away is appropriate if they knew her. I don’t think the details are necessary to share. If someone is curious, they can search out the details or ask you. Even if they ask you, I would focus on sharing facts and not speculation. It is okay to say that you don’t know or are not sure.
posted by soelo at 10:28 AM on November 13, 2024 [1 favorite]

Why do you believe that her death was precipitated by spousal abuse? Is this something you know as fact regarding an official investigation into her death or is this something you surmise and think likely because of previous history?

If it's the former, tell yourself "Good, the police are on it." If only the latter and you feel strongly that this cause of death should be considered, by all means call law enforcement in her jurisdiction to let them know about the previous history. They will certainly take you seriously, and you will feel you have done something to get justice for your co-worker.

If she had children it can be a comfort to them to send a condolence card. When my mother died I received cards from former coworkers and former students who remembered her fondly. I didn't know most of them, but it did help that so many people remembered her and made the kind gesture.

Either way, I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by citygirl at 10:46 AM on November 13, 2024

How has your smaller organization typically handled news of deaths about, say, retired folks? In my organization, we often use the staff email list to share news about long-retired or long-departed former employees, even though many (most?) of the people here not might not have known them. If your organization has a pretty typical approach to sharing this information broadly, I'd say to follow the same process. The details aren't important. If you don't share the cause of death for others, no reason to share it here.

If you think there might be folks who might want to join you in processing, you could invite everyone to, say, a lunch together, or after work conversation where you celebrate her life. Something like that.

My condolences to you. This is terrible news, and your upset is totally reasonable.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:33 AM on November 13, 2024 [1 favorite]

If I am understanding your question, it is about how or if to communicate not just that she died but that she died due to spousal abuse.

I would ask yourself why that extra information seems so important and what you hope people will do with it. Obviously for people who were close to her, many of them would want to know the cause of death as part of processing the loss. Those people already know. For others, you might consider if you want people's response to her death to focused on how she died (which makes it about the abuser) or how she lived.

Second, if there is a part of you that wants to people to know so that they understand that this happens to real people, like their friends or neighbors, consider putting that energy into doing something with a domestic violence organization that allows you to respond to this tragedy without getting involved in the complications of publicly sharing what happened to your co-worker. One option is make a donation in her memory. Another option might be to see if there is something that you can DO that will things a little better for others who can still be helped.
posted by metahawk at 1:02 PM on November 13, 2024 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're certainly feeling grief. Especially since you were once her manager, perhaps you are also feeling guilt, responsibility, and regret. I certainly did, when one of my freelance employees who was in crisis then tragically died. Since we have been responsible for people in their work lives, perhaps we feel, could we not have done something more to prevent the tragedy?

Friend, we cannot. I could not fix my colleague's mental health and substance abuse issues. As her sometimes-boss, I could offer support, kindness, compassion, resources, connection to social services, introductions to AA sponsors... all of this made a difference, I think, and was important, but it could not save her.

Part of the grieving process for me has been also letting go of survivors guilt. I went to a small memorial and said some words about her work life and how she was beloved by coworkers, which I think was helpful.

The way my small org handled this, with respect to communication, was to make an announcement almost verbatim what phunniemee said above, with the addition of an offer to talk personally or connect folks to professional support. We did not send it out to the whole roster, just those who we know had worked directly with her at some point over the previous years.
posted by hovey at 1:59 PM on November 13, 2024 [1 favorite]

Part of you might want to tell because you don't want this to remain a shameful secret when it was so very much not her shame, especially if she was a bit secretive about the abuse before, you might want to not have the spouse slide off scot-free in people's memories.
If this is actully a factor in your urge to tell, it's worth thinking about explicitly. I'm not saying it's right or wrong either way but if this rings true it might help you process your urge to make this a public conversation.
posted by ponie at 6:51 PM on November 13, 2024

I see a lot of people are saying not to bring it up with a wider audience. For me a lot depends on how certain you are about the cause. The natural response in many situations like this is to hide what happened and most of the time that seems to benefit the abuser more than the abused. Look at all the so-called obituaries that don't even include a cause of death, as if the person just went "poof" one day. It's fundamentally dishonest and disrespectful to the people who knew them, in my opinion. Not everyone feels that way, taboos around death are highly variable, so you'll get a lot of dissenting opinions on any sensitive question like yours. Personally, I would consider saying something public, even if it makes people uncomfortable, even if she had been gone for several years.
posted by wnissen at 11:33 AM on November 15, 2024