Shy new cat advice
November 9, 2024 4:59 PM   Subscribe

We've got an adorable new cat! She is so incredibly shy but also trying to be SO BRAVE. I could use some anecdotes about similar shy kitties who turned a corner and blossomed. Things are very much on her terms and will stay that way of course, but it's difficult when she's so darn cute and I miss the older snuggly boy whose passing led to this new gal finding a home here.

Cat tax! It has been 5 months since we adopted her, and luckily she's meshed super well with our existing 12 year old cat. They play and cuddle and she follows him around when she feels bold. She is much more hesitant with us humans (just me and my husband here). She's made a lot of progress from being absolutely terrified the first few weeks, and accepts some petting now. Her limit is mighty low however, and we respect her boundaries.

All of that is just to say that it feels like we're doing everything right, and at this point all that's left is time. But dang I could use some encouragement! Some days feel like they're back to square one and she runs away every time she catches a glimpse of a human. Other days she's resting at the foot of the bed, waiting until the humans are awake (and then rapidly escaping).

She's adorable and full of delightful young cat energy, and I get sad waiting for the love to be a two way street. Please share your stories of this magic happening if you have them!
posted by It Was Capitalism All Along to Pets & Animals (15 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: We adopted a cat who stayed under the bed most of the time for A YEAR. Over the course of the year she ventured out more and more -- for food when we were still in the room, then for being pet a little.
For the next year she was just a skittish shy cat, which was great improvement.
Now at age 6 she is a lap cat who follows us around. She's weird with strangers but she's a member of the family.
posted by ponie at 5:08 PM on November 9, 2024 [4 favorites]


I just want to say she seems adorable. Thank you for sharing her with us.
posted by Alensin at 5:20 PM on November 9, 2024 [4 favorites]


Best answer: During early COVID I adopted two skittish cats from a foster/rescue. I didn't even see one of them for the first few weeks, she was so far under the bed. One of them is curled up next to me right now. They are still wary about being picked up, but routinely sit on my chest in bed, or demand treats and pets. One still runs to hide when strangers come over but the other sister has appointed herself house monitor and has to check everyone out. It took time and persistence (and cat treats) but we all get along now.
posted by gingerbeer at 5:21 PM on November 9, 2024 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Things I did with my shy little shelter cat:

- When she wanted to hide, I let her hide and didn't try to get her out. She needed to know she could hide and be concealed and safe. If I noticed her hiding out, I'd just make eye contact and give a slow blink.

- Made a big deal of playing with the other cat so she'd want to play too (it worked!)

- Lured her onto my lap by only giving her treats when she was there

- Accidentally spilled all the treats in my lap while doing this, which made her think my lap was an awesome place

- Once she would sit on my lap, kept her there by playing YouTube videos of kittens and mice

- Held out a hand to her, still without moving, for her to inspect and give a face-rub if she wanted. A face-rub means Yes, you may pet me. It is also their way of petting you.

Winter is coming, and it's her first winter with you. I know you love her and want to be with her, but just be still and let her come to you. If she sleeps or relaxes close to you, it's a good sign, but not necessarily a licence to touch her. Read her signals and use your judgement.

Cold weather often gives cats an added appreciation for human warmth. I hope she'll soon be your purring lapcat.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2024 [12 favorites]


Best answer: We adopted a cat from the Humane Society four or five years ago. He was 8 or 9 years old, and had spent his life as a barn cat. They said in his profile that he would never be comfortable interacting with people, and we said, "Hey, we're the perfect place for him!" We had six or seven cats at the time, and one of the pleasures of multiple cat ownership for us was seeing the ways they formed relationships with each other. We felt sure this boy could find a friend from among our herd, and we had so many cuddle from cats already that we were ok with him not wanting to hang out with us.

When he came home, our teenage son agreed to have him in his bedroom during his quarantine period. When we were ready to let him out of the bedroom, he wasn't at all ready to come out, so he spent several months spending all of his time with our son, getting acclimated to him, and getting comfortable with him. He even started to become affectionate.

After awhile, he would come out into the living room, but only if our son was also there. So there was another lengthy period where he was visiting in the living room but primarily living with our son, and then gradually he would come into the living room on his own, and he started to get comfortable with the rest of us, and long story short, he became not only a cuddler and a snuggler but a cat who excitedly greeted new people who visited. We were like, "Will never be comfortable with humans, they said. Only likes other cats, they said."

He was a wonderful cat. We lost him earlier this year but were very grateful to have had him with us.
posted by Well I never at 5:59 PM on November 9, 2024 [7 favorites]


Best answer: We have one that is now 11. For the first several years of her life, she was a total scaredy cat. An absolutely chicken. Like, she would "shrink" when most people tried to pet her (when she wasn't invisible, which was most of the time) and picking her up was a "never". She really only hung out with one person (my ex) and he moved out right after her second birthday. After that, she basically hid from everybody.

Around her third birthday, we moved. (To a place with mice, which she loved - but we still never saw her.) She discovered how to hide in the cupboards (and up in the panel lights above the cupboards) to catch mice. So we saw her even less.

Around her fourth birthday, we moved again. And that time, I had a talk with her. I legit started telling her that if she wanted pets - because I discovered she actually loved pets, right around the time I think she realized it, too - then she had to come ask for them. I think she listened. So every time she'd achieve another level of Cat, I'd (not joking) have another conversation with her about the next step of Cat.

I have no idea why it worked. Maybe they understand far more language than we think, and she was desperate enough to let it show? But every step I told her about, that was the next Brave thing she'd do. (It's been weird.)

It's been seven years since that last move (we just moved again a couple weeks ago) and now she is somewhere in the Master Cat levels. She preemptively purrs to get people to pet her. She hops on laps and DEMANDS pets, sometimes loudly. She'll knock your phone out of your hand because that hand should be petting her instead. She bats at hands and arms to get your attention to you pet - or keep petting - even when you're just walking by. She even does this with new visitors. It's crazy to think she's the same cat.
posted by stormyteal at 7:15 PM on November 9, 2024 [11 favorites]


Best answer: Oh hi. We're the ones who adopted this extremely wild beast, after he'd been in the shelter for 11 months, and adopted & returned TWICE. He was absolutely violence personified, would bite, scratch and full-on attack at first. (I asked about him here and here.)

It has been a slooooowwwww process, but today that killer cat sleeps on our bed with us (sometimes on my pillow, crushing my head), snuggles deeply into Mr. Blah's arms, will run to us if we're brandishing treats...and yes, still will growl or swipe from time to time because that's his preferred method of communication.

Slow and steady wins the race!
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:20 PM on November 9, 2024 [4 favorites]


She is adorable!

We are dog people, so I have no advice.

Cats are, well, cats. She will chill out and realize you are friends, or not. Cats.
posted by Windopaene at 9:11 PM on November 9, 2024


Best answer: I have four littermates who got dropped off on me by their mum at nearly four months old, where common wisdom is that kittens who didn't get handled under 2 months old will always be feral.

One of them took four months to let me touch him. He's now the only lap bug of them all. The one who was bravest at the beginning had a backslide in adolescence and took two years to allow proper all out cuddles. One still refuses belly rubs and carrying but will actively ask to be boosted up to the top shelf of the closet daily. When we went back to the cottage where they were born a year later, one of them ran away for two freaking weeks and I had to redo the whole domestication routine when he finally decided to show up - I'm currently working on getting that one to lap status and they're all four years old now.

Give her time and warmth and good kitty examples, she's still adapting. You'll be fine.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 9:53 PM on November 9, 2024


Best answer: Brushing really helps our least social cat. It was that, and sitting on the floor so that he could come up to me on his own that really helped him start to chill out. It has been a years-long process though because this cat remembers every little slight*, for months. His brother, on the other hand, is just happy to be paid attention to.

*He takes flea drops very personally.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:34 PM on November 9, 2024


Best answer: 8 years ago I adopted an abandoned kitten without even seeing him and know nothing about his background. He's still afraid of everyone who comes in. But he now seeks out my lap.

Play is a great way to bond. If your girl is lured by a shoestring pulled in your direction do that without ever reaching down to touch her. (Very hard to do, I know!) After that's an established game, pull the shoestring up on the sofa next to you and see if she'll jump up there. Incremental is the byword.....

Eventually she'll start wanting to be in the same room with you. Then may seek out touching you. My scaredy cat first sought out connection when I was in bed. He'd hop up there and ask for pets.... maybe it felt safer to him. Also he felt safer when I was sitting on the floor. That was his first location for approaching me. Sit on her level if you can.

Basically you are doing everything right: on her terms and slowly. Try different locations and figure out her preferences. (Super soft comfy afghan next to you, crinkly paper sack.....?
posted by mightshould at 1:32 AM on November 10, 2024


Best answer: Brushing really helps

Brushing is good and can be comforting to an anxious cat.

- Approach when they're relaxed and will give your hand a face-rub

- Offer the brush for a face-rub

- go very gently at first

- Alternate brushstrokes with petting

- Stop while the cat is still happy. Don't wait till they've had enough; leave them wanting more.
posted by Pallas Athena at 11:40 AM on November 10, 2024


Clicker training makes animals more confident. There's loads of books and YouTube videos for tricks and skills with cats. I'm sure you could just wait it out, but clicker training really works well and might feel better than just waiting. It gives the animal agency and communication skills, plus it's just fun. And it might solve some practical issues, too. For example, a good first trick is teaching the animal to follow a "target stick" (aka "any random stick about as long as a wooden spoon"). When she's good at that, you can move her around the house, into a crate, off a table without startling her...
posted by toucan at 12:06 PM on November 10, 2024


feliway diffusers! everywhere!
posted by evilmonk at 7:54 PM on November 24, 2024


Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your lovely stories and advice! They definitely helped. This week it seems that a little switch got flipped in her head, and she's been following me around asking for pets and napping nearby as I'm work. We're officially friends after 6 months!
posted by It Was Capitalism All Along at 4:26 PM on December 5, 2024 [1 favorite]


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