How do I learn to shut my Big Fat Yapper?

May 17, 2006 5:29 AM

How do I learn to shut my Big Fat Yapper?

I've always been a wise ass. The class clown. A lot of the time it's a good thing. I'm funny. People like that I'm funny.

Sometimes it's a bad thing. Many times at work I'll just blurt out something that I would have been better off keeping to myself. Nothing offensive that would get me fired or sent to sexual harassment sensitivity training, but stuff I shouldn't have said:

Something another employee mentioned that they might not want public, something my boss told me that they don't want their boss to know, the fact that the I.T. guy has a Half Life server down in the data center, etc.

It's not that I want to spread rumors or tell secrets, I just do it without thinking about it. Usually right after I say it I'll think "Shit, I probably shouldn't have said that." Sometimes I'll see a co-worker wince.

It has yet to really get me in trouble, but I don't want to be known as "the loudmouth" or "the guy you can't tell stuff to."

When I'm told to keep something secret, I keep it secret. But if someone doesn't specifically tell me not to tell something I don't seem to be able to pick up on subtle clues that perhaps they don't want it spread around.

I'm sick of doing this. How can I stop? It's even more important now because I'm moving into a new department where I'm meeting a lot of new people.

posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (23 answers total)

Easiest way: don't say anything unless someone is specifically talking to you and reply only to the questions asked. Practice being quiet and listening to what other people are saying. You'll probably start picking up on their nonverbal cues as well since you'll be thinking less about how you can get attention for yourself.
posted by beerbajay at 5:47 AM on May 17, 2006

Always pause before saying what you're thinking. Give yourself time to rethink your comments. It not only makes you come across as a good listener and thoughtful person, it gives you time to decide if you're about to make an ass out of yourself and come up with something else to say. You can't let the pause go for more than a few seconds though, or people will wonder what's wrong with you!

And as for the inappropriate retelling of stories, when you hear one, think to yourself, "That person probably would rather not have this spread around, I'll think of this as a secret and not tell anyone." Sometimes all your brain might need is to categorize things a bit. And if you just don't gossip in general, that makes it a lot harder for you let something sensitive slip.
posted by Buck Eschaton at 6:20 AM on May 17, 2006

bbj has some good advice there. My approach is to take it one conversation at a time: At the beginning of a meeting or social outing, resolve to say NOTHING the whole time. Make a game of it. Same thing at parties: don't make statements, ask questions. Or just listen and acknowledge what others are saying. Obviously if someone asks you a direct question, you will need to answer it - see if you can do it in one sentence. Otherwise, zip it. Remember, if you catch yourself blabbing, it's never too late to shut up. It's also never too early.

It has been said that people have a high opinion of the wisdom of those who speak little, and this is because people who are not talkative make fewer opportunities to look foolish.

As far as meeting new people, a simple "pleased to meet you" and "I used to work in X department" and then shut up. You're new and are there to LEARN, so LISTEN don't talk. Every time you see a conversation coming, chant the mantra in your head: "Listen Don't Talk."

Soon enough it'll become habit. Good luck.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 6:26 AM on May 17, 2006

I have this problem. The only way I could keep it to a minimum was to almost recite a mantra non-stop in "watercooler" situations. "Don't be a jerk. Don't be a jerk. Don't be a jerk. Don't be a jerk."

One thing that helped was spending more time thinking about how what I'd said was truly shitty. About how I was losing people's trust and respect. When I was younger I didn't care what people thought of me, but as I got older the costs just got too drastic.

I lost girlfriends over it, alienated friends and family, and gave myself a bad reputation at school and work.

I'd say the biggest step I took was just admitting that I had a real problem, it was my fault, and I needed to stop hurting people.

I think one of the causes was some silly idea I had that honesty and true were more important than a silly social veneer. That turns out to be a bad life strategy.
posted by y6y6y6 at 6:33 AM on May 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

y6y6y6 makes a great point-- "Saying what's on your mind, no matter how obnoxious" is not a great ethical teaching, it's a self-defeating form of self-absorbtion.

It doesn't sound like that's something you're dealing with, anonymous, but the impulse to "be true to oneself" can lead people astray.

One strategy might be to focus on asking more questions of others, and deferring, or avoiding altogether, offering your own opinions.

Keep the question-asking light-- you want to seem interested, not prying. That might mean asking others' opinions about things, or simple things about what they did or had for dinner last night. It'd be different if you were talking about communicating with a spouse or somebody close to you, but it sounds like you're trying to get along better with people at work.

If you're going to be the center of conversation, maybe focus on things that have nothing to do with the people at work. If you're using humor that comes at the expense of a colleague, try to soften it with self-deprecation, if possible.

I don't think I'm saying anything all too different from or smarter than what bbj and blb said. Focus on listening and asking questions; be a little more reluctant to offer your own opinions.
posted by ibmcginty at 7:01 AM on May 17, 2006

I have a problem correcting people, giving lenghty treatise's and background info on ANYTHING and worst of all, I interrupt friends when they're telling stories to add in similar insights. I also tell other peoples stories... which later gets back to them and causes big problems.

I truly have something to say about almost anything. It's something I strived for and have nearly obtained... but now it's more a burden than an asset. I'm entertaining, intelligent... and highly annoying. Those who first meet me sometime think I'm arrogant, though I'm quick to give a refined lecture on the virtues of humility... arrgghh!

I also had a certain fixation with objective "truth" wherein I thought everything told to me, everything, was part of the greater human Folklore Bucket of Wisdom, with my performing my part by passing around the bucket.


I just make extra effort to stay quiet unless someone is talking to me particularly. I strive to *never* repeat myself. I do everything I can to remove name associations with this Bucket of Knowledge. I also try to wait a second or two after I think they might be done before chiming in.

I also went out of my way to put certain words on a ban list, like "actually" and sentences beginning with, "that happened to me." I also let people go on and on... so that I can return the favor by going on and on.

It's difficult. I know.
posted by trinarian at 7:07 AM on May 17, 2006

A short course in cognitive behavioral therapy could help you with your impulse control problem. From what you've posted, I don't think you'll solve this without assistance.
posted by Carol Anne at 7:10 AM on May 17, 2006

Going further along the lines mentioned by Carol Anne, the first thing that came to my mind when I read your question was Tourette's Syndrome (albeit a mild case). I believe there are behavioral as well as pharmaceutical therapies that can help, if you want to go that route.
posted by alms at 7:30 AM on May 17, 2006

Oh, and previously discussed here, with someone who was still in the denial phase, which you seem not to be experiencing.
posted by ibmcginty at 7:37 AM on May 17, 2006

I bet you already have a reputation as "the loudmouth" or "the guy you can't tell stuff to", unfortunately. You have a chance to change that by moving into a new department.

I totally agree with the advice above about pausing before speaking. It sounds like you might be good with small talk in social situations, so draw on that skill at work and stick to small-talk type conversations with your co-workers (weather, sports, the bad coffee in the break room). Try not to get involved in conversations that might get personal or reveal info to you that you should keep secret. If you don't know anything sensitive, you can't blurt it out by accident. Be like the wise monkey on the left.

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." attributed to both Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:38 AM on May 17, 2006

We were separated at birth!

I work in a multinational office and I'm the only American, so when something American comes up, you know who's standing by the water cooler, pontificating.

My emergency do-not-get-sucked-into-this-discussion tactic is to go out on the patio and do the crossword puzzle until the conversation's over. The best thing I've done when I can't get away is stop trying to explain everything. I listen, and then when I want to jump in, I listen again, and then I keep listening, and then someone usually asks me what I think. Then I can sort of gauge by their previous responses what's OK to talk about and what's not, and how long to go on for.

You can do this. You'll be amazed at how conscious of not talking you'll be at first, but no one else knows that.
posted by mdonley at 7:40 AM on May 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

Always pause before saying what you're thinking.

Indeed. I can be the same way as anonymous and trinarian sometimes, but I think I've gotten better lately after deciding to make an effort. There's a great feeling of relief and accomplishment that comes with having a remark in your head ready to be blurted, realizing how inappropriate it would be, and then not saying it.
posted by ludwig_van at 8:08 AM on May 17, 2006

I like mdonley's point -- don't give your opinion unless someone specifically asks for it.

You've asked about not blurting things out in general, but it actually sounds like the major part of the problem is talking about other people's lives? So I wonder if maybe developing your own hobbies more, so that you have something to talk about other than other people's lives, might help? I know I used to talk more about others (not in a bad gossippy way, necessarily, and I don't mean to imply that's all you do) when I didn't have as many talk-about-able activities in my own life.

(And your problem with gathering info from others makes me a bit wary of all the advice to ask people more questions -- it might help to arm yourself with more benign ignorance and apathy to the people around you!)
posted by occhiblu at 8:12 AM on May 17, 2006

I think the suggestions above are great, and they address the behavior change part of this. If you can't leave the conversation, you need to *substitute* some other behavior for blurting something out.

It may be really difficult to "not say" something when you've got that impulse happening and the words are almost out of your mouth. You may need to do something else instead of talking - that could be counting to 10 internally, fiddling with your change, drinking some water, biting your tongue (gently), tapping your foot, whatever - just substitute some other behavior when you have the impulse to blurt something out. It'll feel weird for a bit, but soon you'll start to feel like you have a choice -- you'll feel like you have some distance between yourself and the impulse.

At that point, if you want, you can start looking at your motivation. Like you can start to wonder why you feel the need to blurt something out - is it that you're feeling ignored? neglected? unimportant? Whatever your motivation is, once you get some control over the behavior, you can figure out a way to meet your real needs without getting yourself in trouble.
posted by jasper411 at 8:59 AM on May 17, 2006

Practice. Consistent, conscious practice.

You have a long-established habitual pattern of behavior. It's going to take time to break that habit and build a new pattern. Earlier commenters have given good advice, but odds are that as soon as you forget to focus on your new approach, you'll slip right back into your old habits. That's normal. Just keep going back to paying attention and thinking about what you're going to say before you say it. Eventually, it'll start to come naturally.
posted by tdismukes at 9:01 AM on May 17, 2006

Don't just practice not saying anything, practice being silent. It's easier to learn a positive action. Otherwise, the techniques used for breaking any habit are helpful, like a rubber band on your wrist - snap it when you regret mouthing off.
posted by theora55 at 10:20 AM on May 17, 2006

I have to remind myself that I want to do things like this or I forget. Write it on your hand, or put a note on your bathroom mirror / steering wheel reminding you. Sometimes a loose rubber band around my wrist will remind me throughout the day. Like tdismukes says eventually it will be a natural reaction.

On preview - theora55's rubber band trick.
posted by dog food sugar at 10:23 AM on May 17, 2006

The hardest part of the process, in my experience, is other people's reactions. It's true that they won't be aware of your internal battle with the impulse to jump in at every opportunity, but if they know you, their reactions will be calibrated to your normal mode of discourse. Whenever I've attempted to be quiet and just listen, someone will squint at me and go, 'Are you all right today, mate? You seem a bit off-colour.' Your social group will naturally - largely unconsciously - try to drag you back to your old ways, so the best way to start is to practise with strangers, who have no preconceived idea of how loquacious you are.
posted by RokkitNite at 11:06 AM on May 17, 2006

If I may follow on Ludwig_Van's comment about the "feeling of relief and accomplishment" that comes from thinking about something before blurting it out, there's also a great feeling of relief when you're driving home from a party or some other social event and don't have to mull over "that stupid/offensive/gossipy/moronic/creepy thing I said." All of these great ideas are well worth the effort.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 11:19 AM on May 17, 2006

So you've taken the first step: You've noticed the behavior. Now you need to identify what is the need that causes this behavior? The need to impress others, the need to speak your mind, the need to be recognized. It boils down to ego.

So what to do? First you learn to recognize the ego-driven behavior, then you learn to avoid it, and ultimately, with practice, you learn to let it go. This doesn't mean that you lose your personality, you just learn to be more aware of your surroundings and your impact on others. The nice thing about this is, the less often you think about yourself, the more you naturally think about others.

The buddhist term for this is mindfulness, and if you're inclined to give it a try, the time-tested way to learn it is through meditation. This kind of training can be difficult to do on your own, especially in the beginning, and most people find it very helpful to work with others. There are most likely some buddhist groups in your area that have regular sittings. Find a style that's to your liking and give it a try.
posted by Gamblor at 11:45 AM on May 17, 2006

I know you say you do this without thinking but I came to notice that generally, there is a voice in my that dings a little warning bell when I'm crossing a line... and that I had a tendency to willfully ignore that voice, or sort of mount a quick, half-thought-out justification of why it was okay. I started listening to that voice and found out it was nearly always correct.
posted by nanojath at 7:14 PM on May 17, 2006

I think AskMeFi is in overdiagnosing mode as usual.

You have Tourette's! You need therapy! Dump your girlfriend! Not that you asked but just on general principles.

I used to be like this, but I nearly lost a job over it and that scared the crap out of me. Remembering that helped.

But, you tell these stories because you like to entertain, right? You like to have good stories to tell and you like to be the centre of attention for a while. It's not the worst thing in the world.

Two things:

• judge your audience -- I had lunch today and told some shockingly detailed, scurrilous gossip, but I was with two close friends I like and trust, not some random people I hardly know.
• Fictionalise -- don't tell everyone your IT guy has a secret server, say you know of a place where the IT guy has a secret server. It's still the same story.

Maybe there's some rewarding or even profitable outlet for your particular personality trait:. Stand-up? Gossip columnist? Anonymous blogger? Talk-show podcast guy?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 3:51 AM on May 18, 2006

Try and be more considerate, learn to listen to other people. Everyone is usually pretty happy to give their own opinion and you might find that you can get in as much mischief just by listening/asking questions because people seem to absorb/reflect your personality in close proximity. Also work on your poker face and subtle innuendos. Girls are great at that kind of say one thing mean another stuff.
posted by psychobum at 2:59 AM on May 19, 2006