Two Year Old Bedtime Tips
September 7, 2024 12:16 PM Subscribe
We are having a hard time keeping up with our strong and aggressive two year old at naptime and bedtime. If you had a toddler like this, do you have any strategies or tips?
She is VERY independent, social, loud, strong, and aggressive. She is a young two--birthday just a few days ago. She understands pretty complex language but is usually just producing one or three word phrases right now-lots of them at rapid pace! She will climb out of a crib. Her mom and I have her in the bottom bunk of an Ikea bunkbed, where we try to lay with her and soothe her to sleep at naptime and bedtime. She goes to bed with one parent in bed with her, a stuffed animal, a sippy cup of water, and her favorite blanket. She's excited about heading to her bedroom, but once there she sees it as social playtime and does a lot of squirming, loud talking, and (unintentional) hitting--it's been a while since I've gotten away from bedtime with less than two hard shots to the face--and it doesn't usually seem to be progressing toward sleep. If asked to be quiet, she'll lower her voice to a whisper and continue her monologue...until she forgets and ramps it back up in a minute. She likes songs and books, but they don't seem to progress her towards sleep. At a point, she'll sometimes ask the adult to leave. If left alone, she'll generally wander around the room continuing her monologue and self play, usually turn on the light, sometimes climb up to the top bunk, where she can't get back down. Usually she gets upset at one thing or another and the adult has to come back; sometimes she flops down somewhere random in the room to sleep like a kitten. If not left alone, she stays in bed but is ALWAYS talking. It's very hard to take control of the routine without feeling like moving her further away from sleep. She's so excited to have us there! We love her.
It's basically fine; she is otherwise thriving. But it does wind up taking quite a while most of the time--adults going in and out, lights coming off and on, facial injuries, sometime-tears, and it's all uncertain and unpredictable. Nothing about our four year old prepared us for this: all he has ever wanted at bedtime is for an adult to lead him through a specific routine and he could probably put himself through his entire bedtime routine without any adult intervention at this point.
If you had a toddler like this, do you have any ideas for what we could try?
She is VERY independent, social, loud, strong, and aggressive. She is a young two--birthday just a few days ago. She understands pretty complex language but is usually just producing one or three word phrases right now-lots of them at rapid pace! She will climb out of a crib. Her mom and I have her in the bottom bunk of an Ikea bunkbed, where we try to lay with her and soothe her to sleep at naptime and bedtime. She goes to bed with one parent in bed with her, a stuffed animal, a sippy cup of water, and her favorite blanket. She's excited about heading to her bedroom, but once there she sees it as social playtime and does a lot of squirming, loud talking, and (unintentional) hitting--it's been a while since I've gotten away from bedtime with less than two hard shots to the face--and it doesn't usually seem to be progressing toward sleep. If asked to be quiet, she'll lower her voice to a whisper and continue her monologue...until she forgets and ramps it back up in a minute. She likes songs and books, but they don't seem to progress her towards sleep. At a point, she'll sometimes ask the adult to leave. If left alone, she'll generally wander around the room continuing her monologue and self play, usually turn on the light, sometimes climb up to the top bunk, where she can't get back down. Usually she gets upset at one thing or another and the adult has to come back; sometimes she flops down somewhere random in the room to sleep like a kitten. If not left alone, she stays in bed but is ALWAYS talking. It's very hard to take control of the routine without feeling like moving her further away from sleep. She's so excited to have us there! We love her.
It's basically fine; she is otherwise thriving. But it does wind up taking quite a while most of the time--adults going in and out, lights coming off and on, facial injuries, sometime-tears, and it's all uncertain and unpredictable. Nothing about our four year old prepared us for this: all he has ever wanted at bedtime is for an adult to lead him through a specific routine and he could probably put himself through his entire bedtime routine without any adult intervention at this point.
If you had a toddler like this, do you have any ideas for what we could try?
Drop the naptime. When my son was two (now he is fifteen), it became increasingly difficult to enforce naptime. I finally dropped it and by (earlier) bedtime he was tired. Of course this may not work for you because of an earlier bedtime and sometimes he fell asleep after eating and before bathtime. But overall it was less stressful.
posted by 15L06 at 1:21 PM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by 15L06 at 1:21 PM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Also a parent of a toddler who sounds super similar! They're cute little hellions, aren't they? The monologues kill me. I am going to give advice below, but obviously, I'm in the same boat you're in, so take it with a grain of salt.
First off: please, please remove the ladder to the top bunk today if she's climbing it. I'm very much team "let them experience a little danger," but the risk/reward of a top bunk that a toddler is curious about in a dark room where they are unsupervised is...pretty much all risk. She will eventually try to figure out how to get down, and it will not go well if it is unsupervised. If you can't remove the ladder, remove the entire bunk bed and put the mattress on the floor. She will be old enough for a bunk bed soon, but she is not currently ready for one physically (can't get back down) or mentally (no sense of risk evaluation).
I am saying this as someone whose toddler got creative and plunged out of her crib onto the floor headfirst (and who immediately got transitioned to a big kid bed!). Black eye, busted lip, thankfully no tooth damage or concussion. Had never even tried to put a leg on her crib before, not a big climber, no idea what she was thinking or even how she managed it (she was below the height limit). That crib-height fall was terrifying -- please, please spare yourself a bunk bed-height fall.
Second: Evaluate your nap time, both length and timing. We are capped at 90 minutes at least 5 hours before bed currently. She is cranky after that some afternoons, but it helps with bedtime. If she won't go down, we all struggle through a no-nap day, but bedtime is easier. I think it's rare for a child to need a nap every day or no days at this age -- they're kind of in transition to a no nap life, but they can't quite hang with it yet, so naps are kind of a "most days" project over here.
Third: Evaluate your bedtime. What time is she actually falling asleep? That, minus however long you want her bedtime routine to take, is a more realistic take on what her sleep preferences are. I'm talking about big differences -- if you're trying to get her down at 6:30 and she's staying up until 8:30, her body is going to win that fight every time. If you're trying to get her down at 7:30 and she's falling asleep at 7:50, that's totally fine.
Fourth: Evaluate your pre-bed routine and daytime stuff. We do no overhead lights after 6 pm (lamps and sunlight only), bath and reading books and singing songs for 20-30 minutes before we go into her bedroom, etc.
Fifth: Babyproof the shit out of her room, and then let her be in there alone! Ours also talks to herself or sings to herself. Sometimes she plays with her stuffed animals for 20-30 minutes. She puts them in a corner or on the furniture -- who cares! We don't have an overhead light in her room, so I can't help you with that part, but we totally let her wander. Everything is secured to the wall, and all drawers have childproof locks on them, so the extent of potential damage/mess is minimal. When she's actually tired and wound down, she sits on her bed and yells MOOOOOMMMMMMM until I come in and rub her back. Then we get down relatively easy (maybe 15 minutes of cuddling?). She does ask for songs and stuff when I come in at that point, and I don't sing to her or really even talk to her then. I say "you can sing that to yourself if you want," and it's very cute trying to hear her sing to herself. If I sing, there are requests for 10 more songs, so I do all my singing at the start of the bedtime routine.
Sixth: OK, last one. Everyone is going to tell you to "wear your kid out during the day". IDK, maybe you magically have the ability to do this, so I'll mention it, but ours goes to the park 2-3 times a day, gets played with hard by everyone in her life, and would be totally cool, like, doing a triathlon right before bed if we let her. The only strategy that works for us is (i) wind down in a low light / quiet house as a family, (ii) let her wind down in her dark room as an individual, and then (iii) support her to sleep (to the extent that works for your family).
posted by moosetracks at 2:20 PM on September 7, 2024 [18 favorites]
First off: please, please remove the ladder to the top bunk today if she's climbing it. I'm very much team "let them experience a little danger," but the risk/reward of a top bunk that a toddler is curious about in a dark room where they are unsupervised is...pretty much all risk. She will eventually try to figure out how to get down, and it will not go well if it is unsupervised. If you can't remove the ladder, remove the entire bunk bed and put the mattress on the floor. She will be old enough for a bunk bed soon, but she is not currently ready for one physically (can't get back down) or mentally (no sense of risk evaluation).
I am saying this as someone whose toddler got creative and plunged out of her crib onto the floor headfirst (and who immediately got transitioned to a big kid bed!). Black eye, busted lip, thankfully no tooth damage or concussion. Had never even tried to put a leg on her crib before, not a big climber, no idea what she was thinking or even how she managed it (she was below the height limit). That crib-height fall was terrifying -- please, please spare yourself a bunk bed-height fall.
Second: Evaluate your nap time, both length and timing. We are capped at 90 minutes at least 5 hours before bed currently. She is cranky after that some afternoons, but it helps with bedtime. If she won't go down, we all struggle through a no-nap day, but bedtime is easier. I think it's rare for a child to need a nap every day or no days at this age -- they're kind of in transition to a no nap life, but they can't quite hang with it yet, so naps are kind of a "most days" project over here.
Third: Evaluate your bedtime. What time is she actually falling asleep? That, minus however long you want her bedtime routine to take, is a more realistic take on what her sleep preferences are. I'm talking about big differences -- if you're trying to get her down at 6:30 and she's staying up until 8:30, her body is going to win that fight every time. If you're trying to get her down at 7:30 and she's falling asleep at 7:50, that's totally fine.
Fourth: Evaluate your pre-bed routine and daytime stuff. We do no overhead lights after 6 pm (lamps and sunlight only), bath and reading books and singing songs for 20-30 minutes before we go into her bedroom, etc.
Fifth: Babyproof the shit out of her room, and then let her be in there alone! Ours also talks to herself or sings to herself. Sometimes she plays with her stuffed animals for 20-30 minutes. She puts them in a corner or on the furniture -- who cares! We don't have an overhead light in her room, so I can't help you with that part, but we totally let her wander. Everything is secured to the wall, and all drawers have childproof locks on them, so the extent of potential damage/mess is minimal. When she's actually tired and wound down, she sits on her bed and yells MOOOOOMMMMMMM until I come in and rub her back. Then we get down relatively easy (maybe 15 minutes of cuddling?). She does ask for songs and stuff when I come in at that point, and I don't sing to her or really even talk to her then. I say "you can sing that to yourself if you want," and it's very cute trying to hear her sing to herself. If I sing, there are requests for 10 more songs, so I do all my singing at the start of the bedtime routine.
Sixth: OK, last one. Everyone is going to tell you to "wear your kid out during the day". IDK, maybe you magically have the ability to do this, so I'll mention it, but ours goes to the park 2-3 times a day, gets played with hard by everyone in her life, and would be totally cool, like, doing a triathlon right before bed if we let her. The only strategy that works for us is (i) wind down in a low light / quiet house as a family, (ii) let her wind down in her dark room as an individual, and then (iii) support her to sleep (to the extent that works for your family).
posted by moosetracks at 2:20 PM on September 7, 2024 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Yup, get rid of the bunk and toddler proof the room. Find something like a bean bag or just let her fall asleep on the floor. Tents are magic sleep zones. Read one story, kisses, leave, and let her find her own routine that puts her to sleep. You shouldn't have to rescue her if you toddler-proof the room, but if you do, help her, kiss, and leave.
She needs to tire out before bed, and play will probably rev her up. How about a walk? Can you do a walk at dusk around the block? Home, PJs on, and try reading quietly in low light. If that's too much before bed, try it after supper. Would she be willing to just listen to you read without looking at pictures? Definitely no TV or electronics at least 2-3 hours before bed.
Maybe quiet music, something like these. The youtube videos for these are cool, but only the music before bed. This could also be a good time to introduce classical music; it's proven to be beneficial for sleep. I wouldn't do any singing at bedtime, unless the rule is only lullabies (or Death Cab for Cutie if you can't do lullabies). She might benefit from quiet white noise such as the sounds of falling rain, fountains, or surf.
Do you have a rocker in her room? Can you gently rock her when you read to her at night or for a few minutes before you leave her? She may even rock herself as a routine while she's wandering toward sleep. If rocking with you is soothing, but she treats it like a toy (galloping a rocking horse) then you might have to keep it out of the bedroom.
Try teaching her focused breathing or meditation. Sounds ridiculous, but maybe if both mom and dad do it with her and encourage her to do even a minute or two, that can serve as a small preparation towards being quiet and something to build on. There are some active kids that appreciate being able to self-quiet or self-sooth and take to it well. Takes practice, so give it several weeks before you decide if it's of benefit. Helps mom and dad, too.
Don't throw everything at her at once. For sure the toddler proofing, but a couple days later introduce something that you think she might enjoy, and you feel comfortable implementing.
Talk to her about hurting people and animals in general, and how we show love. Then talk to her when she hits. Even accidents can HURT, and being hurt makes you sad. Tell her and show her how you feel. Relate it to when she gets hurt. That makes her feel bad, and you feel bad then, too. Two-year-olds can be very empathic, but sometimes they need to be taught how that works.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:23 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
She needs to tire out before bed, and play will probably rev her up. How about a walk? Can you do a walk at dusk around the block? Home, PJs on, and try reading quietly in low light. If that's too much before bed, try it after supper. Would she be willing to just listen to you read without looking at pictures? Definitely no TV or electronics at least 2-3 hours before bed.
Maybe quiet music, something like these. The youtube videos for these are cool, but only the music before bed. This could also be a good time to introduce classical music; it's proven to be beneficial for sleep. I wouldn't do any singing at bedtime, unless the rule is only lullabies (or Death Cab for Cutie if you can't do lullabies). She might benefit from quiet white noise such as the sounds of falling rain, fountains, or surf.
Do you have a rocker in her room? Can you gently rock her when you read to her at night or for a few minutes before you leave her? She may even rock herself as a routine while she's wandering toward sleep. If rocking with you is soothing, but she treats it like a toy (galloping a rocking horse) then you might have to keep it out of the bedroom.
Try teaching her focused breathing or meditation. Sounds ridiculous, but maybe if both mom and dad do it with her and encourage her to do even a minute or two, that can serve as a small preparation towards being quiet and something to build on. There are some active kids that appreciate being able to self-quiet or self-sooth and take to it well. Takes practice, so give it several weeks before you decide if it's of benefit. Helps mom and dad, too.
Don't throw everything at her at once. For sure the toddler proofing, but a couple days later introduce something that you think she might enjoy, and you feel comfortable implementing.
Talk to her about hurting people and animals in general, and how we show love. Then talk to her when she hits. Even accidents can HURT, and being hurt makes you sad. Tell her and show her how you feel. Relate it to when she gets hurt. That makes her feel bad, and you feel bad then, too. Two-year-olds can be very empathic, but sometimes they need to be taught how that works.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:23 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: She is VERY independent, social, loud, strong, and aggressive
It might help to think of your kid as transitioning from a more inert and dependent wee un to a small human who can say what they want. But they're still dependent on you.
My advice would be to figure out what time (earlier or later) your kid has an easier time falling asleep, and then work on a routine that doesn't involve being in bed with them while they fall asleep. Because of course they want to socialize and be awake - the best people in the whole world are right next to them, and now conversation is something they love, and it's exciting!
Try putting a chair next to their bed and making storytime the focus, where you sit next to the bed and read to them. And maybe have bath time and then story be a routine that helps them anticipate falling asleep.
posted by zippy at 2:38 PM on September 7, 2024
It might help to think of your kid as transitioning from a more inert and dependent wee un to a small human who can say what they want. But they're still dependent on you.
My advice would be to figure out what time (earlier or later) your kid has an easier time falling asleep, and then work on a routine that doesn't involve being in bed with them while they fall asleep. Because of course they want to socialize and be awake - the best people in the whole world are right next to them, and now conversation is something they love, and it's exciting!
Try putting a chair next to their bed and making storytime the focus, where you sit next to the bed and read to them. And maybe have bath time and then story be a routine that helps them anticipate falling asleep.
posted by zippy at 2:38 PM on September 7, 2024
One more thing - the hitting sounds to me like a kid that's overtired. Do they show signs of sleepiness before bedtime?
posted by zippy at 2:40 PM on September 7, 2024
posted by zippy at 2:40 PM on September 7, 2024
My now five year old had many aspects of this behaviour. We cut way, way back on daytime naps and let him have a much later bed time than most of his peers. Both made a massive difference, he's always been a night owl, if we don't argue with that life is a lot better.
The possums approach to sleep was a winner in a field of many other duds, fwiw.
posted by deadwax at 2:53 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
The possums approach to sleep was a winner in a field of many other duds, fwiw.
posted by deadwax at 2:53 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
Is there a reason she needs to go to sleep at a particular time? If not, you could experiment with not trying to put her to bed at all, just seeing when she gets sleepy on her own. Do bath and toothbrushing and then just let her do what she wants with minimum parental involvement. Let her roam her room alone if she wants to, or if she doesn't want to be alone let her play nearby while you load the dishwasher or check your email or whatever. At some point she'll fall asleep on the floor and then you can put her in bed.
You could try the same approach with naptime. Just make things boring but don't insist she stay in bed and see what happens. If she doesn't fall asleep, see if she can stay awake until it's late enough that she could conceivably fall asleep and sleep all night. Once she's ready for that, your life should get a lot easier.
posted by Redstart at 3:14 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
You could try the same approach with naptime. Just make things boring but don't insist she stay in bed and see what happens. If she doesn't fall asleep, see if she can stay awake until it's late enough that she could conceivably fall asleep and sleep all night. Once she's ready for that, your life should get a lot easier.
posted by Redstart at 3:14 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
Around that age (a little earlier) ours dropped naptime. We made it "rest time" instead, and she had to stay in her room but could 'read', play with her stuffed animals, physically throw everything she could get over the baby gate keeping her in the room, etc. I agree that it's worth seeing if not enforcing a nap makes things better or worse at bedtime.
posted by true at 3:55 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by true at 3:55 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Your active, social child sounds similar to mine, who took her last nap at seventeen months, and has rarely napped since. Every time she takes a nap for any reason I snap a picture because of its rarity, and my collection has less than a dozen pictures in it; she's ten now.
It turned out that though she wouldn't sleep during the day, all that tiredness did accumulate inside her and she's become a decent sleeper at night. But it required a lot of discipline, especially to our schedule, so that she was always going down at the same time every night, with a bath-pajamas-story-singing in the dark routine that slowly spun her down. Once she was sleeping, she sleeps well through the night, 95% of the time. It made our days tougher, but it did mean we got the sleep we needed to save our sanity.
She was diagnosed with ADHD when she was six, and though we haven't gone with any medication to address it, working with her pediatrician we did start giving her low doses of melatonin at bedtime, and that's been a game-changer in helping her brain slow down enough to fall asleep more quickly. 90 minute bedtime struggles have eventually become 30 minute routines that include me reading to her until she quietly falls asleep.
I know that's kind of a long-road perspective that is cold comfort for you now, but I hope it at least helps to know that you aren't the only parent who's endured, and there is hope even as you try to find the path that works for you. I could have used that kind of thing back in the day.
posted by Inkslinger at 3:59 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
It turned out that though she wouldn't sleep during the day, all that tiredness did accumulate inside her and she's become a decent sleeper at night. But it required a lot of discipline, especially to our schedule, so that she was always going down at the same time every night, with a bath-pajamas-story-singing in the dark routine that slowly spun her down. Once she was sleeping, she sleeps well through the night, 95% of the time. It made our days tougher, but it did mean we got the sleep we needed to save our sanity.
She was diagnosed with ADHD when she was six, and though we haven't gone with any medication to address it, working with her pediatrician we did start giving her low doses of melatonin at bedtime, and that's been a game-changer in helping her brain slow down enough to fall asleep more quickly. 90 minute bedtime struggles have eventually become 30 minute routines that include me reading to her until she quietly falls asleep.
I know that's kind of a long-road perspective that is cold comfort for you now, but I hope it at least helps to know that you aren't the only parent who's endured, and there is hope even as you try to find the path that works for you. I could have used that kind of thing back in the day.
posted by Inkslinger at 3:59 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Lots of great advice in here, thanks! She was hospitalized over labor day with a non-covid respiratory infection which then put me on my back for three days and now appears to be taking down my wife...the cracks in our systems are showing! We'll try some of this stuff when the household next has more than one functioning adult.
We definitely have babyproofing to do but I should mention that there is no ladder, allegedly so that only the older boy can get up there, but she is built like a scale model olympic gymnast and recently learned to scurry up the frame.
posted by Kwine at 5:05 PM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
We definitely have babyproofing to do but I should mention that there is no ladder, allegedly so that only the older boy can get up there, but she is built like a scale model olympic gymnast and recently learned to scurry up the frame.
posted by Kwine at 5:05 PM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
Oh boy! Hang in there—sick with a toddler is miserable. Hope things improve soon!
posted by knobknosher at 6:21 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by knobknosher at 6:21 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
Sorry I don't have a great answer for you, but my son is 21 now and you're giving me a stress flashback to the years when our secret nickname for him was Captain Dialogue. ;) Hang in there; it gets better.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:15 PM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:15 PM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
Hee hee. No ladder. Doesn't surprise me. One of ours would climb into the baby's crib at 18 mos. Climbed up a large chest of drawers by the metal pull handles-think 5' tall. Climbed up a fabric shoe organizer and was crying hanging by the closet bar. Just why/how?
Hope your family is better soon, and everybody can get the sleep they need. If you have time, maybe you can post any successful techniques for other beleaguered parents. It's been 50 years, and I still shudder at how tough it was some nights.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:08 PM on September 7, 2024 [4 favorites]
Hope your family is better soon, and everybody can get the sleep they need. If you have time, maybe you can post any successful techniques for other beleaguered parents. It's been 50 years, and I still shudder at how tough it was some nights.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:08 PM on September 7, 2024 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Update:
We tried some stuff and things are somewhat better. We toddler-proofed the whole room. We started the bedtime process a little earlier. We started leaving her alone in her room for some alone time once she is ready for bed, checking on her periodically, rather than staying with her for the whole time. She prefers mom for pre-bedtime routine and dad for snuggles; since the other child prefers the opposite, we've been trying harder to give both children their preferences while sharing the burden of dealing with her on a given night. She's a bit more mature, settled, and communicative now than she was a month ago; a month is a long time when you are two.
It still takes longer and is more of a mental drain than we would like, but it is definitely more manageable than it was. Thanks for your help!
posted by Kwine at 6:24 AM on October 2, 2024
We tried some stuff and things are somewhat better. We toddler-proofed the whole room. We started the bedtime process a little earlier. We started leaving her alone in her room for some alone time once she is ready for bed, checking on her periodically, rather than staying with her for the whole time. She prefers mom for pre-bedtime routine and dad for snuggles; since the other child prefers the opposite, we've been trying harder to give both children their preferences while sharing the burden of dealing with her on a given night. She's a bit more mature, settled, and communicative now than she was a month ago; a month is a long time when you are two.
It still takes longer and is more of a mental drain than we would like, but it is definitely more manageable than it was. Thanks for your help!
posted by Kwine at 6:24 AM on October 2, 2024
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I’d also re-think the bunk bed if feasible—I know it might not be feasible, but for toddlers that age the ideal setup is a toddler-proofed bedroom so you can leave them alone to figure out their sleep somewhat independently.
posted by knobknosher at 12:42 PM on September 7, 2024 [10 favorites]