How do I help my mom without pushing her towards her abuser
September 7, 2024 9:28 AM Subscribe
And while also maintaining my own boundaries.
CW verbal abuse and eating disorders.
Growing up my stepfather was (I felt) verbally abusive to my mother. He mostly ignored me and my sibling, which was fine with me since I had no interest in being on the receiving end of his scorn. Even so any expression of sincerity or caring, or any enthusiasm about a nerdy interest, was met with scoffs and mocking. It felt like bullying, as though I should be ashamed of being myself or being in any way earnest. If he read this he would laugh, for instance.
He was never violent although he did once put his fist in my face and threatened my life. My mom was there and didn't defend me. He said things all the time that felt creepy and aggressive -- like making a rape joke about his son's hamsters, to his son.
His main weapon was belittlement, and his main target was my mom, and he would often add misogyny into the mix, and he taught his son to behave the same way towards my mom. When I was young I didn't say anything because I didn't know better. By the time I was old enough to speak up I didn't because I had learned that he would only laugh at me. I did try to tell my mom that she didn't deserve to be treated like that, but that only ever seemed to make her more unhappy.
And we were all, everyone in the house, always morose all the time. It was a relief to visit other family's houses because people would be cheerful, which was bizarre but felt so nice. It has taken me a long time to heal, to learn not to be reflexively grumpy and cynical all the time, how to express my needs with confidence rather than in a defensive whine, with the trust that others will actually take them seriously. And I've found a place of happiness for myself and I'm in a loving, supportive relationship.
My mom visited, with my stepdad, for the first time since the pandemic (we live in different countries). They have not changed, and it feels like things are worse. They argued and insulted each other constantly. The insults were so ugly, from both sides. I tried to find places to take them, things to do that she would enjoy, but nothing cheered her up, every word came out as a whine, everything was a problem. It was a shock after not being around people who behaved like this in years (she's not like this on the phone, unless she's interacting with my stepdad while on the call), and it was deeply triggering. I'm autistic, and I tend to absorb the mood of those around me, and I fought as hard as I could to remember that this is not me and to try to find myself, but I kept shutting down and one time melted down and had to remove myself from the situation. This was all compounded by the fact that the thing we used to be able to bond over -- food and cooking -- was gone because she's fallen into disordered eating. Before every meal I was on google maps desperately trying to find some place where she could eat (did they have a carb option that wasn't wheat, rice, corn, or potatoes? Did they also have options with no nightshades?) but every place I found was a problem, and she let me know it.
I called her yesterday and she told me she was never going to visit again. That I was horrible. That I didn't try to accomodate her diet. At one point in the trip I had mentioned that I couldn't be around all the arguing, that it was upsetting me and she told me that I "have no idea how bad it is" (I don't, because she won't talk about it except when things like this slip out, which they sometimes do, "he has no emotions", "he never shows compassion", etc.). I told her she was welcome to come stay with us any time she needed and she got angry and shut down. This really confused me. Now she's accusing me of telling her to leave him, which I very specifically never did because I don't feel it's my place. But I honestly feel I should have set a boundary around not bringing him, but it felt wrong to ask that. Now it's all so much worse, anyway.
I want to write her and spell out exactly the kind of verbal abuse he did to us and to her when we were growing up, and how it's still happening, and how horrible it makes me feel. But I honestly have no clue whatsoever how to deal with this. I just know I don't want to ignore it any more, but I don't want to push her deeper into the abuse. I want to be supportive. But I don't know how since any attempt at support or concern is treated like an attack. I just feel so defeated by this. How do I help her without making this worse?
Growing up my stepfather was (I felt) verbally abusive to my mother. He mostly ignored me and my sibling, which was fine with me since I had no interest in being on the receiving end of his scorn. Even so any expression of sincerity or caring, or any enthusiasm about a nerdy interest, was met with scoffs and mocking. It felt like bullying, as though I should be ashamed of being myself or being in any way earnest. If he read this he would laugh, for instance.
He was never violent although he did once put his fist in my face and threatened my life. My mom was there and didn't defend me. He said things all the time that felt creepy and aggressive -- like making a rape joke about his son's hamsters, to his son.
His main weapon was belittlement, and his main target was my mom, and he would often add misogyny into the mix, and he taught his son to behave the same way towards my mom. When I was young I didn't say anything because I didn't know better. By the time I was old enough to speak up I didn't because I had learned that he would only laugh at me. I did try to tell my mom that she didn't deserve to be treated like that, but that only ever seemed to make her more unhappy.
And we were all, everyone in the house, always morose all the time. It was a relief to visit other family's houses because people would be cheerful, which was bizarre but felt so nice. It has taken me a long time to heal, to learn not to be reflexively grumpy and cynical all the time, how to express my needs with confidence rather than in a defensive whine, with the trust that others will actually take them seriously. And I've found a place of happiness for myself and I'm in a loving, supportive relationship.
My mom visited, with my stepdad, for the first time since the pandemic (we live in different countries). They have not changed, and it feels like things are worse. They argued and insulted each other constantly. The insults were so ugly, from both sides. I tried to find places to take them, things to do that she would enjoy, but nothing cheered her up, every word came out as a whine, everything was a problem. It was a shock after not being around people who behaved like this in years (she's not like this on the phone, unless she's interacting with my stepdad while on the call), and it was deeply triggering. I'm autistic, and I tend to absorb the mood of those around me, and I fought as hard as I could to remember that this is not me and to try to find myself, but I kept shutting down and one time melted down and had to remove myself from the situation. This was all compounded by the fact that the thing we used to be able to bond over -- food and cooking -- was gone because she's fallen into disordered eating. Before every meal I was on google maps desperately trying to find some place where she could eat (did they have a carb option that wasn't wheat, rice, corn, or potatoes? Did they also have options with no nightshades?) but every place I found was a problem, and she let me know it.
I called her yesterday and she told me she was never going to visit again. That I was horrible. That I didn't try to accomodate her diet. At one point in the trip I had mentioned that I couldn't be around all the arguing, that it was upsetting me and she told me that I "have no idea how bad it is" (I don't, because she won't talk about it except when things like this slip out, which they sometimes do, "he has no emotions", "he never shows compassion", etc.). I told her she was welcome to come stay with us any time she needed and she got angry and shut down. This really confused me. Now she's accusing me of telling her to leave him, which I very specifically never did because I don't feel it's my place. But I honestly feel I should have set a boundary around not bringing him, but it felt wrong to ask that. Now it's all so much worse, anyway.
I want to write her and spell out exactly the kind of verbal abuse he did to us and to her when we were growing up, and how it's still happening, and how horrible it makes me feel. But I honestly have no clue whatsoever how to deal with this. I just know I don't want to ignore it any more, but I don't want to push her deeper into the abuse. I want to be supportive. But I don't know how since any attempt at support or concern is treated like an attack. I just feel so defeated by this. How do I help her without making this worse?
I wouldn't say anything. There's no need to say anything more. You told her she's welcome, and you're taking good care of yourself. That's all you can do, and you've done it.
posted by shadygrove at 10:10 AM on September 7, 2024 [24 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 10:10 AM on September 7, 2024 [24 favorites]
It is a very hard adult truth that you cannot help people who do not want to be helped. Your mum is an adult who is allowed to make her own bad choices.
I think you need to talk this through with a therapist. You need to work out what you expect from writing this letter. She is not going to thank you, have a sudden revelation, apologize or treat you better. I don't see any good that will come of that letter but it is also very fair that you want to the history and emotions behind it acknowledged; again, this seems like the ideal role for a therapist.
The best thing I think you can do is reaffirming that she is welcome, he is not, and your home is a safe place she is welcome in at any time.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:24 AM on September 7, 2024 [33 favorites]
I think you need to talk this through with a therapist. You need to work out what you expect from writing this letter. She is not going to thank you, have a sudden revelation, apologize or treat you better. I don't see any good that will come of that letter but it is also very fair that you want to the history and emotions behind it acknowledged; again, this seems like the ideal role for a therapist.
The best thing I think you can do is reaffirming that she is welcome, he is not, and your home is a safe place she is welcome in at any time.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:24 AM on September 7, 2024 [33 favorites]
On preview, deleting what I wrote in this comment and just saying that I 100% agree with DarlingBri's comment above. She put exactly what I wanted to say better than I did.
posted by Alterscape at 10:28 AM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by Alterscape at 10:28 AM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
Make time to go and visit your mom, even if she won’t visit you. Do not stay with her. Call regularly, talk about day-to-day things. The only thing to do is build a positive relationship with her and keep lines of communication open. There is nothing more to be said on this topic.
posted by shock muppet at 11:20 AM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by shock muppet at 11:20 AM on September 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
I can definitely understand how this must have been horrible to witness.Still, as others have said, your mom is an adult who has the right to her own (bad) choices. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open in case she decides she wants help. Forcing the issue risks pushing her away from you and increasing her isolation and vulnerability.
For now, I suggest focussing on yourself and doing what you need to do to heal from this difficult encounter. You deserve to do that for yourself, but if that feels “selfish,” know that you are pacing the way for keeping your heart open to your mom and being able to deal honestly and compassionately with whatever comes.’
posted by rpfields at 11:29 AM on September 7, 2024 [4 favorites]
For now, I suggest focussing on yourself and doing what you need to do to heal from this difficult encounter. You deserve to do that for yourself, but if that feels “selfish,” know that you are pacing the way for keeping your heart open to your mom and being able to deal honestly and compassionately with whatever comes.’
posted by rpfields at 11:29 AM on September 7, 2024 [4 favorites]
Your mom is struggling with herself and her own choices, not because of you. You've been compassionate and kind. You've never pushed her toward her abuser. You've done nothing wrong. But you cannot make her acknowledge that you did nothing wrong, nor can you make her feel better.
One of the hardest things to accept when someone you love is raging at you is this: you understand where their anger is coming from better than they do, you cannot help them to see it, you cannot even help them through this. They have to figure it out on their own. You can only do this much, and this much you have already done.
Hang in there. These are the tough moments that try your soul, but you can get through this. Seek out a therapist for yourself, too, because you deserve support.
posted by MiraK at 2:26 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
One of the hardest things to accept when someone you love is raging at you is this: you understand where their anger is coming from better than they do, you cannot help them to see it, you cannot even help them through this. They have to figure it out on their own. You can only do this much, and this much you have already done.
Hang in there. These are the tough moments that try your soul, but you can get through this. Seek out a therapist for yourself, too, because you deserve support.
posted by MiraK at 2:26 PM on September 7, 2024 [2 favorites]
Oh god, don't go visit your mom! Don't put yourself back into that dynamic. IF you could stay in a hotel away from their house. And IF you could be sure you wouldn't be around him in his environment. And IF you could be sure he wouldn't impose himself on you. And IF your mom would agree to meet you outside the house. And IF your mom wouldn't pressure you or guilt you about him. And IF your mom wouldn't make you the recipient of the anger and hurt he causes her. And IF, IF, IF...
Sure, then go see her.
I would go no contact with him forever. Tell your mom you love her but set boundaries. They came, and when they went back, he crapped all over her and made her feel like shit. Crap tends to get spread around. Plus, she saw that her life could be better if she were willing to make it so, and that causes anger and self-hate, which makes people strike out.
Reassure her love her, but tell her you're now happy with your life, you intend to stay that way, and what made you happy was cutting him and his BS off. Tell her you want to have her in your life as much as possible, but not at the expense of your happiness and sanity.
"I love you mom, I'll always be there for you, but I want nothing to do with him. You are always welcome her, but he is not. If you try to drag him into my life, I'm afraid I'll have to step back. Of course, this is your choice and decision to choose him over me and to allow him to treat you the way he does. I love you either way, but I'll have to limit our contact. It is my choice and decision to stay away from or set boundaries with people who deliberately cause me pain."
And yes, she'll be angry, but maybe you can help her by showing her an example of what the rest of her life could be like.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:22 PM on September 7, 2024 [7 favorites]
Sure, then go see her.
I would go no contact with him forever. Tell your mom you love her but set boundaries. They came, and when they went back, he crapped all over her and made her feel like shit. Crap tends to get spread around. Plus, she saw that her life could be better if she were willing to make it so, and that causes anger and self-hate, which makes people strike out.
Reassure her love her, but tell her you're now happy with your life, you intend to stay that way, and what made you happy was cutting him and his BS off. Tell her you want to have her in your life as much as possible, but not at the expense of your happiness and sanity.
"I love you mom, I'll always be there for you, but I want nothing to do with him. You are always welcome her, but he is not. If you try to drag him into my life, I'm afraid I'll have to step back. Of course, this is your choice and decision to choose him over me and to allow him to treat you the way he does. I love you either way, but I'll have to limit our contact. It is my choice and decision to stay away from or set boundaries with people who deliberately cause me pain."
And yes, she'll be angry, but maybe you can help her by showing her an example of what the rest of her life could be like.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:22 PM on September 7, 2024 [7 favorites]
What can "push someone toward their abuser" is cutting them off, basically, because it makes them feel like they have no choices other than the abuser. So ideally, people in the victim's life will keep the lines of communication open and be super clear that they'll support the victim at any time, no questions or conditions.
What makes your situation complicated is that you're also a victim of her abuser, and you shouldn't have to retraumatize yourself to be around her. However, she is likely also not the right person to help you process your abuse, even just to validate that it happened, because she's still being abused.
I think what you've already said to your mother was perfect, that she's welcome to come any time. I think any attempts to prove to her that he's abusing her, or that he abused you, will likely not be helpful for either of you while she's still with him. Take care of yourself, and if you can continue offering a line of communication to your mom, that's great. But I agree with the therapy recommendations, or even just you having friends or loved ones who aren't your mom to process this with. It's kind of a "comfort in, dump out" situation where both of you are at the center. So if you can provide comfort to her great, but I wouldn't dump on her, and I wouldn't let her dump on you. Polite reminders that you're doing you're best and she's always welcome, like you've done, seem the best way of navigating that.
posted by lapis at 5:41 PM on September 7, 2024 [6 favorites]
What makes your situation complicated is that you're also a victim of her abuser, and you shouldn't have to retraumatize yourself to be around her. However, she is likely also not the right person to help you process your abuse, even just to validate that it happened, because she's still being abused.
I think what you've already said to your mother was perfect, that she's welcome to come any time. I think any attempts to prove to her that he's abusing her, or that he abused you, will likely not be helpful for either of you while she's still with him. Take care of yourself, and if you can continue offering a line of communication to your mom, that's great. But I agree with the therapy recommendations, or even just you having friends or loved ones who aren't your mom to process this with. It's kind of a "comfort in, dump out" situation where both of you are at the center. So if you can provide comfort to her great, but I wouldn't dump on her, and I wouldn't let her dump on you. Polite reminders that you're doing you're best and she's always welcome, like you've done, seem the best way of navigating that.
posted by lapis at 5:41 PM on September 7, 2024 [6 favorites]
Therapy therapy therapy! I try not to push therapy as often as AskMe generally does, but in this case I think it’s warranted. Try to find someone who has experience with adult autistic people.
I would hold off on writing anything to your mom, but writing down your experiences and feelings in a personal journal sounds like a great thing to do. You need to process stuff.
In your shoes I would do some discrete research about resources near your mom that she could access. There might be groups, hotlines, shelters, free counseling, etc. It might soothe you to do this research and know that if your mom reaches out to you, you can immediately give her actionable information nearby, instead of her having to travel far to to get to you first. There might be an in with her ED behavior, this might be something she would be able to get help with locally that would connect her to other people and resources that her husband might be okay with, since presumably it’s inconveniencing him too. That’s callous, but so be it.
Does your mom have any kind of social media or online presence? You could try to keep your lines of communication open that way. She might be more able to handle small interactions like instagram dms or exchanging cute animal video links, keeping the door open to reach out to you eventually, instead of enduring fraught phone calls.
No matter what, get help for yourself. You will need it regardless of if you are helping your mom or not. Continue being part of your community, developing positive relationships, and working through what you’ve had to endure. The more support you’ve got at home, the better you will be able to help your mom, when she is ready for it.
posted by Mizu at 6:03 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
I would hold off on writing anything to your mom, but writing down your experiences and feelings in a personal journal sounds like a great thing to do. You need to process stuff.
In your shoes I would do some discrete research about resources near your mom that she could access. There might be groups, hotlines, shelters, free counseling, etc. It might soothe you to do this research and know that if your mom reaches out to you, you can immediately give her actionable information nearby, instead of her having to travel far to to get to you first. There might be an in with her ED behavior, this might be something she would be able to get help with locally that would connect her to other people and resources that her husband might be okay with, since presumably it’s inconveniencing him too. That’s callous, but so be it.
Does your mom have any kind of social media or online presence? You could try to keep your lines of communication open that way. She might be more able to handle small interactions like instagram dms or exchanging cute animal video links, keeping the door open to reach out to you eventually, instead of enduring fraught phone calls.
No matter what, get help for yourself. You will need it regardless of if you are helping your mom or not. Continue being part of your community, developing positive relationships, and working through what you’ve had to endure. The more support you’ve got at home, the better you will be able to help your mom, when she is ready for it.
posted by Mizu at 6:03 PM on September 7, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am a domestic violence survivor.
One of the things that makes you stay longer with abusers is the idea that you are damaged goods, and this is the best you can get. Even if your mom didn’t have that idea initially, it’s a thing abusers often push on. This is especially the case with single moms out in the dating world; abusive men tell them that they are worthless and should feel lucky that the abuser is willing to be with them and especially marry them.
It took me believing that wasn’t true to be willing to leave. Because when I believed that it was true, it just seemed like too much effort to leave if I was only going to be alone afterwards. I know best practices is to say that it’s better to be single than with an abuser, but when you’re in the mix, it doesn’t always feel that way, especially for generations that have internalized that being single means you’re damaged or less.
The way you reinforce your mother on that is to tell her true good things about herself. Don’t bullshit her, but if she is in fact a fabulous person who could have other people besides your stepfather, point out why. Is there a guy glancing at her favorably? Tell her. Did someone you know compliment her? Tell her. And find opportunities where she can be competent and powerful.
I think your mom’s disordered eating is probably an attempt to recover some form of control over her environment. But if she’s steeped in mockery and abuse every day from your stepdad, it’s almost undoubtedly something he makes fun of, and because abusers are really fucking crafty, he’s probably whispering in her ear. Something like “even your own kid thinks you’re a psycho with that fucking diet.” So she’s upset because she feels that you didn’t support her on the one thing she feels entitled to be supported on.
I would apologize on the meals thing - just take the hit, so she can feel supported. Say that you hadn’t been aware just how difficult it must be to be out in the world with food handicaps, and you’re sorry you weren’t able to find places that accommodated her. Leave out any judgments even if they are true judgments.
And on the offering that she can stay, I would maybe pitch it differently but with understanding. Your mother is probably not *allowed* to travel on her own while she’s in a relationship with this asshat. Abusers hate people travelling alone because it makes them more able to be rescued. She likely had to argue to even get to visit you in the first place. It is entirely possible that she interpreted the offer as your telling her to leave him because she would have to leave him to accept it.
What I would maybe consider offering, if you are financially able to, is a trip together on one of those very structured trip plans. Like “oh, I have two tickets for this cruise, mom do you want to come with me?” This way he can’t invite himself along, and also it’s easier for her to argue for it if you’re funding it. He likely controls money in the household such that she does not have financial independence as well.
posted by corb at 3:27 AM on September 8, 2024 [15 favorites]
One of the things that makes you stay longer with abusers is the idea that you are damaged goods, and this is the best you can get. Even if your mom didn’t have that idea initially, it’s a thing abusers often push on. This is especially the case with single moms out in the dating world; abusive men tell them that they are worthless and should feel lucky that the abuser is willing to be with them and especially marry them.
It took me believing that wasn’t true to be willing to leave. Because when I believed that it was true, it just seemed like too much effort to leave if I was only going to be alone afterwards. I know best practices is to say that it’s better to be single than with an abuser, but when you’re in the mix, it doesn’t always feel that way, especially for generations that have internalized that being single means you’re damaged or less.
The way you reinforce your mother on that is to tell her true good things about herself. Don’t bullshit her, but if she is in fact a fabulous person who could have other people besides your stepfather, point out why. Is there a guy glancing at her favorably? Tell her. Did someone you know compliment her? Tell her. And find opportunities where she can be competent and powerful.
I think your mom’s disordered eating is probably an attempt to recover some form of control over her environment. But if she’s steeped in mockery and abuse every day from your stepdad, it’s almost undoubtedly something he makes fun of, and because abusers are really fucking crafty, he’s probably whispering in her ear. Something like “even your own kid thinks you’re a psycho with that fucking diet.” So she’s upset because she feels that you didn’t support her on the one thing she feels entitled to be supported on.
I would apologize on the meals thing - just take the hit, so she can feel supported. Say that you hadn’t been aware just how difficult it must be to be out in the world with food handicaps, and you’re sorry you weren’t able to find places that accommodated her. Leave out any judgments even if they are true judgments.
And on the offering that she can stay, I would maybe pitch it differently but with understanding. Your mother is probably not *allowed* to travel on her own while she’s in a relationship with this asshat. Abusers hate people travelling alone because it makes them more able to be rescued. She likely had to argue to even get to visit you in the first place. It is entirely possible that she interpreted the offer as your telling her to leave him because she would have to leave him to accept it.
What I would maybe consider offering, if you are financially able to, is a trip together on one of those very structured trip plans. Like “oh, I have two tickets for this cruise, mom do you want to come with me?” This way he can’t invite himself along, and also it’s easier for her to argue for it if you’re funding it. He likely controls money in the household such that she does not have financial independence as well.
posted by corb at 3:27 AM on September 8, 2024 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: There are a lot of excellent answers here, thank you so much, everyone! Therapy here is tricky because there's already a lack of sufficient providers, and that's compounded by the fact that I need to do this in English, which is not the local language. Oh yeah and definitely I need to find someone experienced with autism because that comes with it's own complications.
But I'm really at the point where it needs to happen.
It's so difficult for me to thread that needle of showing support but not triggering her reflex to assume any statement of support is an attempt to mock her, since I'm a person who has trouble with verbal communication, especially around feelings, on the best of days. But truly the hardest part is seeing someone you love hurting so badly and feeling powerless to stop it. That's the part that makes me break down in tears.
But thanks everyone for helping me at least understand a bit more what's going on. I'm going to research my therapy options.
posted by puppet of sock at 4:58 AM on September 8, 2024 [2 favorites]
But I'm really at the point where it needs to happen.
It's so difficult for me to thread that needle of showing support but not triggering her reflex to assume any statement of support is an attempt to mock her, since I'm a person who has trouble with verbal communication, especially around feelings, on the best of days. But truly the hardest part is seeing someone you love hurting so badly and feeling powerless to stop it. That's the part that makes me break down in tears.
But thanks everyone for helping me at least understand a bit more what's going on. I'm going to research my therapy options.
posted by puppet of sock at 4:58 AM on September 8, 2024 [2 favorites]
So much thoughtful advice above!
I wonder if you could combine corb’s words of affirmation with your initial idea of the letter? You mention verbal comms being more difficult (totally get it! I’m the same).
While you chip away at the therapy next steps, could you articulate the “end goals” via a letter to your mom - state all the things you know are great about her, what she’s capable of. Basically painting a picture for her - illustrating what she could be / do / have / enjoy if she were free of him - but make sure you do NOT name that directly; name the positives you see in her (and possible for her).
You can always start it as a journal entry for yourself, lessen the pressure of having to get it right or even send it at all. If you journal it and it starts to feel right to you - and it meets corb’s criteria above - you could send it.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:56 AM on September 8, 2024 [1 favorite]
I wonder if you could combine corb’s words of affirmation with your initial idea of the letter? You mention verbal comms being more difficult (totally get it! I’m the same).
While you chip away at the therapy next steps, could you articulate the “end goals” via a letter to your mom - state all the things you know are great about her, what she’s capable of. Basically painting a picture for her - illustrating what she could be / do / have / enjoy if she were free of him - but make sure you do NOT name that directly; name the positives you see in her (and possible for her).
You can always start it as a journal entry for yourself, lessen the pressure of having to get it right or even send it at all. If you journal it and it starts to feel right to you - and it meets corb’s criteria above - you could send it.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:56 AM on September 8, 2024 [1 favorite]
The thing you need to remind yourself of, maybe to the point of writing it down and tacking it up somewhere, is that you are not responsible in any way for this situation. The abuse OR whether your mom leaves it.
Abusers are VERY good at making YOU feel responsible for the horrible situation THEY created. One way of taking back your power is to refuse to accept that. He is an abuser, he abuses and manipulates, and that has hurt you and your mom and your relationship. YOU cannot "make it worse" he is the person who has that power and would be resposible. He has agency.
Your mom, for reasons you probably can't know completely, feels she can't or shouldn't leave or maybe even believes she doesn't want to. Since you are NOT her therapist, you are also not responsible for untangling all of that.
You can tell her she is always welcome, that she can call you for help. You can get what therapy you can.
But the thing you have to accept is, drawing boundaries when it's another abused person is truly hard. He can try to use that either keep you apart or just to ensure that she never gets to be alone w/ you. Re the example above, if you bought just her and you a ticket somewhere, he'd find a way to go more than likely, or have a "health emergency" that meant she couldn't go. Abusers are very inventive.
That doesn't mean you should despair, just that you should remember that this is a hard situation and it's ok if you don't always know the right thing to do.
The only other thing I could think of is, where your mom is living, if there's anyone nearby who would also be willing to help her, like a neighbor or old friend.
She's in a different country; are there resources for abused women there? You might call one of them and ask them what advice they would give her if she asked for help/what her options were.
In other words, you can have a lifeboat ready but you can't make her get into it.
posted by emjaybee at 12:40 PM on September 8, 2024
Abusers are VERY good at making YOU feel responsible for the horrible situation THEY created. One way of taking back your power is to refuse to accept that. He is an abuser, he abuses and manipulates, and that has hurt you and your mom and your relationship. YOU cannot "make it worse" he is the person who has that power and would be resposible. He has agency.
Your mom, for reasons you probably can't know completely, feels she can't or shouldn't leave or maybe even believes she doesn't want to. Since you are NOT her therapist, you are also not responsible for untangling all of that.
You can tell her she is always welcome, that she can call you for help. You can get what therapy you can.
But the thing you have to accept is, drawing boundaries when it's another abused person is truly hard. He can try to use that either keep you apart or just to ensure that she never gets to be alone w/ you. Re the example above, if you bought just her and you a ticket somewhere, he'd find a way to go more than likely, or have a "health emergency" that meant she couldn't go. Abusers are very inventive.
That doesn't mean you should despair, just that you should remember that this is a hard situation and it's ok if you don't always know the right thing to do.
The only other thing I could think of is, where your mom is living, if there's anyone nearby who would also be willing to help her, like a neighbor or old friend.
She's in a different country; are there resources for abused women there? You might call one of them and ask them what advice they would give her if she asked for help/what her options were.
In other words, you can have a lifeboat ready but you can't make her get into it.
posted by emjaybee at 12:40 PM on September 8, 2024
Therapy here is tricky because there's already a lack of sufficient providers, and that's compounded by the fact that I need to do this in English, which is not the local language. Oh yeah and definitely I need to find someone experienced with autism because that comes with it's own complications.
It is possible to find English-speaking therapists who will work online with international clients. The resources mentioned in the answer to this Ask question might help.
posted by plonkee at 1:52 PM on September 8, 2024
It is possible to find English-speaking therapists who will work online with international clients. The resources mentioned in the answer to this Ask question might help.
posted by plonkee at 1:52 PM on September 8, 2024
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The history of how you have been impacted by this relationship deserves respect. What that respect means is up to you. But I would consider how much you want to sacrifice your own wellbeing in trying to help, and why, and if that is fair to you.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:50 AM on September 7, 2024 [8 favorites]