Sudden relationship woes
August 19, 2024 6:45 AM Subscribe
My long distance romantic partner is going through some things. They do not want to see me, but have not asked to end the relationship. Do you have any suggestions on how I can handle this or whether I even should? Long wall of text inside.
We live about five hours apart, are in both in our 50s. We recently had a rare fight over some massive miscommunications on both our parts, we agreed we both made mistakes there. After we acknowledged all that, she said she wasn't ready to talk about the next time we'd see each other. Not what I wanted, but it was fine. Her last relationship was a traumatic and emotionally abusive marriage which she managed to leave after a few years. This past two years have been pretty golden for us, so I can understand if she's feeling possibly triggered or odd after a rare disagreement in this "golden" relationship
After we patched things up after this via talking, she left her home city to go on a several week long trip to hang out with her sisters and a few of their friends at a secluded cabin (girls weekend type thing), then on to various relatives to house sit for them. To get to these places, she had to pass my city, but no visit was made or planed, but I figured since she'd have to pass my city again on the way back she'd stop by then. No plans were made to do so, but I figured I'd bring it up when it got closer to her returning.
In the meantime, we still spoke as normal, via phone, text, and Facetime and things seemed fine in that regard. I thought she seemed a little distant, but that was ok, give it time right? Then it came to a head, in terms of me noticing she wasn't quite as loving as before. For example, we would usually send each other photos of ourselves to the other, who would that say something loving or complimentary about the photo. She had stopped sending me photos and saying anything about photos sent to her. I pointed that out one morning and said we should talk about that later after I was done with work. She agreed.
When talked later that day, she said she's been detaching and is having problems feeling. It isn't about me, but she's feeling that way in general, where each day is just a slog that she's trying to get through. She doesn't want to come see me or have me visit her, because she says she can't fake how she's feeling. An appointment with a psychiatrist was scheduled by her, because she's feeling so out of sort. She's on some medications to manage her ADHD, is thinking maybe something needs to be adjusted. She said she's never felt this way before, almost like it's some sort of psychotic break or something similar (her words).
I made clear that she didn't have to feel or act a certain way around me, we could just hang out. I said I was there for her and willing to listen, visit her, what have you. I've offered to come visit and stay with her when she returned home and she said no. But still we talked everyday, she says I love you and we have genuine good moments in our phone, text, or FaceTime conversations. There's just an emotional dead zone from her, which she says isn't about me, but obviously it's affecting me.
I asked if she wanted to break up. She seemed confused by the question and said she wasn't trying to do anything specific. She has not asked to break up or stop talking. She has not blamed me for anything. When she returned home, passing my city, she said she had no plans to stop and visit. We were even talking on the phone as she drove back, making relatively normal conversation. It felt odd, but it was what it was.
I am blown away by all this. We were a very physical couple, even with the distance and now to this emotional dead zone is very frustrating, scary, and just plain odd in terms of this relationship. After several long discussions when I was expressing my pain and confusion, she said if it would be easier for me to leave, she would understand. I said I wanted to be there for her, but was just so confused.
The main issue for me is that she seems to be engaging and seeing various other people, family and friends etc. But she does not wish to physically be in my company. She says I'm the only one that really knows what's going on with her at the moment, yet doesn't feel that being physically around me would be good for her. She isn't sure if it's a matter of feeling super venerable around me or what, but suspects it has something to do with it, in the mix of feeling detached from things. She's the oldest daughter, used to taking care of everyone else and directing things (paraphrasing her words).
I've been trying to focus on myself these past few weeks and not always wanting to have a conversation about this. But it's been hard, it feels like my partner has suddenly disappeared and there's a doppelgänger alien in her place. My birthday is coming up next month and it feels like if she can't be bothered to come see me for that, then what's the point? I realize that language is harsh and judgmental and probably unfair, but those emotional thoughts are there.
I have a therapist and have been discussing this issue there, so am already on the 'get therapy' train. Otherwise I don't know what to do, and recognize there isn't much I can do, other than be here and let her know she's supported. But it's so damn hard and there's a question of how long can I be here when there isn't much affection being shown by here. I mean, my long term committed partner does not want to see me, wtf?!
This may come down to her needing medication, be it for depression, ADHD, or even something menopausal related. She was going through pre-menopause for about nine months, then got a period again, which means the process starts all over. My therapist, also a 50ish year old woman, believe this is related to menopause and might take a month or two or longer to "fix" with medication.
What would you do in this situation? She's clearly going through some things (and is seeking help, has psychiatrist appoint scheduled), but is doing (or not doing) things that are are indirectly hurting me. I definitely don't think she's cheating or trying leave (it would be her choice and right, obviously, if she wanted to), but maybe just doesn't have the capacity for a relationship at the moment? I get that it's not about me, but it's hella affecting me. It feels like I need to detach to some degree or will 'naturally' detach if nothing gets better.
We live about five hours apart, are in both in our 50s. We recently had a rare fight over some massive miscommunications on both our parts, we agreed we both made mistakes there. After we acknowledged all that, she said she wasn't ready to talk about the next time we'd see each other. Not what I wanted, but it was fine. Her last relationship was a traumatic and emotionally abusive marriage which she managed to leave after a few years. This past two years have been pretty golden for us, so I can understand if she's feeling possibly triggered or odd after a rare disagreement in this "golden" relationship
After we patched things up after this via talking, she left her home city to go on a several week long trip to hang out with her sisters and a few of their friends at a secluded cabin (girls weekend type thing), then on to various relatives to house sit for them. To get to these places, she had to pass my city, but no visit was made or planed, but I figured since she'd have to pass my city again on the way back she'd stop by then. No plans were made to do so, but I figured I'd bring it up when it got closer to her returning.
In the meantime, we still spoke as normal, via phone, text, and Facetime and things seemed fine in that regard. I thought she seemed a little distant, but that was ok, give it time right? Then it came to a head, in terms of me noticing she wasn't quite as loving as before. For example, we would usually send each other photos of ourselves to the other, who would that say something loving or complimentary about the photo. She had stopped sending me photos and saying anything about photos sent to her. I pointed that out one morning and said we should talk about that later after I was done with work. She agreed.
When talked later that day, she said she's been detaching and is having problems feeling. It isn't about me, but she's feeling that way in general, where each day is just a slog that she's trying to get through. She doesn't want to come see me or have me visit her, because she says she can't fake how she's feeling. An appointment with a psychiatrist was scheduled by her, because she's feeling so out of sort. She's on some medications to manage her ADHD, is thinking maybe something needs to be adjusted. She said she's never felt this way before, almost like it's some sort of psychotic break or something similar (her words).
I made clear that she didn't have to feel or act a certain way around me, we could just hang out. I said I was there for her and willing to listen, visit her, what have you. I've offered to come visit and stay with her when she returned home and she said no. But still we talked everyday, she says I love you and we have genuine good moments in our phone, text, or FaceTime conversations. There's just an emotional dead zone from her, which she says isn't about me, but obviously it's affecting me.
I asked if she wanted to break up. She seemed confused by the question and said she wasn't trying to do anything specific. She has not asked to break up or stop talking. She has not blamed me for anything. When she returned home, passing my city, she said she had no plans to stop and visit. We were even talking on the phone as she drove back, making relatively normal conversation. It felt odd, but it was what it was.
I am blown away by all this. We were a very physical couple, even with the distance and now to this emotional dead zone is very frustrating, scary, and just plain odd in terms of this relationship. After several long discussions when I was expressing my pain and confusion, she said if it would be easier for me to leave, she would understand. I said I wanted to be there for her, but was just so confused.
The main issue for me is that she seems to be engaging and seeing various other people, family and friends etc. But she does not wish to physically be in my company. She says I'm the only one that really knows what's going on with her at the moment, yet doesn't feel that being physically around me would be good for her. She isn't sure if it's a matter of feeling super venerable around me or what, but suspects it has something to do with it, in the mix of feeling detached from things. She's the oldest daughter, used to taking care of everyone else and directing things (paraphrasing her words).
I've been trying to focus on myself these past few weeks and not always wanting to have a conversation about this. But it's been hard, it feels like my partner has suddenly disappeared and there's a doppelgänger alien in her place. My birthday is coming up next month and it feels like if she can't be bothered to come see me for that, then what's the point? I realize that language is harsh and judgmental and probably unfair, but those emotional thoughts are there.
I have a therapist and have been discussing this issue there, so am already on the 'get therapy' train. Otherwise I don't know what to do, and recognize there isn't much I can do, other than be here and let her know she's supported. But it's so damn hard and there's a question of how long can I be here when there isn't much affection being shown by here. I mean, my long term committed partner does not want to see me, wtf?!
This may come down to her needing medication, be it for depression, ADHD, or even something menopausal related. She was going through pre-menopause for about nine months, then got a period again, which means the process starts all over. My therapist, also a 50ish year old woman, believe this is related to menopause and might take a month or two or longer to "fix" with medication.
What would you do in this situation? She's clearly going through some things (and is seeking help, has psychiatrist appoint scheduled), but is doing (or not doing) things that are are indirectly hurting me. I definitely don't think she's cheating or trying leave (it would be her choice and right, obviously, if she wanted to), but maybe just doesn't have the capacity for a relationship at the moment? I get that it's not about me, but it's hella affecting me. It feels like I need to detach to some degree or will 'naturally' detach if nothing gets better.
she said if it would be easier for me to leave, she would understand
I interpret this as she is asking you to break up with her. If her prior relationship history is a long and abusive marriage, she may not have the maturity or tools to ask for what she actually wants, so she's hoping you will do it for her. I may of course be wrong, but that's what this screams to me.
It also sounds to me like this relationship is something that's happening to you, rather than with you. You are a partner in this dynamic and you have agency.
So: what do YOU actually want? Do you want to be in a physically loving relationship? You are allowed to want that. Do you want to be the first option when your long term partner is in your city? You are allowed to want that. What else do you need and want out of a relationship, and which of those needs and wants is actually being met? If you aren't getting your needs met in a relationship, you are allowed to call for a break.
posted by phunniemee at 7:14 AM on August 19, 2024 [19 favorites]
I interpret this as she is asking you to break up with her. If her prior relationship history is a long and abusive marriage, she may not have the maturity or tools to ask for what she actually wants, so she's hoping you will do it for her. I may of course be wrong, but that's what this screams to me.
It also sounds to me like this relationship is something that's happening to you, rather than with you. You are a partner in this dynamic and you have agency.
So: what do YOU actually want? Do you want to be in a physically loving relationship? You are allowed to want that. Do you want to be the first option when your long term partner is in your city? You are allowed to want that. What else do you need and want out of a relationship, and which of those needs and wants is actually being met? If you aren't getting your needs met in a relationship, you are allowed to call for a break.
posted by phunniemee at 7:14 AM on August 19, 2024 [19 favorites]
She needs to see her psychiatrist to talk about her current mental/emotional state and medications, but she's already on top of that. She's being open and honest with you about her current feelings and her current needs. There's really not much else you can ask her to do here, or can do yourself within the relationship, except to listen and be supportive while she works through whatever's going on with her. But you should expect that may take a long time - think months, not weeks or days, if there's going to be a medication-adjusting component here. And yes, that because you are the person who knows most about what's going on with her, it may truly actually be much harder for her to interact with you than with other people she can just hide the truth from.
So yes, you can and should ask yourself how long you are willing to wait and support a partner who is going through something very difficult and would rather do that without seeing you anytime soon. For some people the answer would be "as long as it takes," for some people it would be "this is already too much for me." It's a good thing to talk over with your therapist and to be really honest with yourself about, for both your sake and hers.
posted by Stacey at 7:24 AM on August 19, 2024 [5 favorites]
So yes, you can and should ask yourself how long you are willing to wait and support a partner who is going through something very difficult and would rather do that without seeing you anytime soon. For some people the answer would be "as long as it takes," for some people it would be "this is already too much for me." It's a good thing to talk over with your therapist and to be really honest with yourself about, for both your sake and hers.
posted by Stacey at 7:24 AM on August 19, 2024 [5 favorites]
It seems to me that your partner has actually already told you why she can handle spending time with other people right now but not you. She said she does not want to visit with you because around you, she can't fake how she is feeling.
When there was a minor change in her communication style (she stopped sending you photos and stopped commenting on yours) you noticed it immediately and scheduled a serious conversation about it.
I imagine the other people in her life whom she has felt comfortable spending time with lately aren't as invested in paying attention to subtle changes like that, and either haven't been asking her about it at all, or, if they have been asking about it, have only been doing so in a casual, "Hey you seem a bit down today, is everything okay?" sort of way that is easy for her to talk around.
There is a big difference in the expectations surrounding emotional intimacy in a family or friends relationship versus a romantic relationship. And a long distance relationship really takes that difference to the next level, because so much more mental effort is required to maintain emotional intimacy when you don't see your romantic partner every day.
It's probably a lot less emotional work for her to interact with friends and family right now than it is for her to interact with you. So if you want to meet her where she is at right now, I think you need to figure out how to make your interactions with her less work for her.
I know you said you are already trying to stop focusing so much on how this issue affects you. But have you tried shifting your focus entirely to how this situation is affecting her?
Think about it. How would you feel if suddenly you lost all ability to feel affection or joy in the way that you usually do? If you suddenly couldn't have fun even when you are doing something you have always enjoyed, or feel happy even when you are near someone who has always made you feel that way? Wouldn't that be absolutely awful? Imagine not knowing why this is happening, and wondering if you would EVER be able to experience feeling love or happiness again. Wouldn't that actually be terrifying?
Now add on the fact that she is an oldest daughter who has been expected SINCE CHILDHOOD to take care of everyone else, who has always been asked to give more love and attention to others than she has ever received. Add on the fact that in her last marriage her partner also took without giving anything positive in return.
And now here she is facing a mental health crisis that is distressful and scary for her, and here you are listing to her all of the ways in which her lack of ability to give you attention in the precise way you want it is negatively affecting YOU. And the ways you have offered to help so far all seem to be ways that involve you getting more of what you want (time spent physically in person with her).
She might not be able to give you what you want or what you need right now out of a relationship. And like she said, it's okay for you to decide that if she can't give you what you want or need right now, the relationship isn't working anymore and it's okay for you to leave.
But if you value this relationship with her enough to want to slog through a hard time and keep it, then I really think the way you win here is by setting your own wants and needs aside for a time and focusing on helping her heal.
Try thinking of this mental health challenge she is experiencing like a physical health challenge instead. If she shattered all of the bones in her leg and was unable to travel to see you for a month, and if you for some reason couldn't travel to see her in the hospital, would you be telling her how much her broken leg was hurting you? Or would you be sending her funny memes and cute animal photos to distract her from the pain and not getting your knickers in a twist if she didn't have the energy to immediately respond?
If you want to support her through this time, think about ways that you can be there for her that do not make more work for her. Instead of talking about how this is affecting you (you already told her; she already knows), shift to listening about how it is affecting her.
posted by BlueJae at 7:35 AM on August 19, 2024 [19 favorites]
When there was a minor change in her communication style (she stopped sending you photos and stopped commenting on yours) you noticed it immediately and scheduled a serious conversation about it.
I imagine the other people in her life whom she has felt comfortable spending time with lately aren't as invested in paying attention to subtle changes like that, and either haven't been asking her about it at all, or, if they have been asking about it, have only been doing so in a casual, "Hey you seem a bit down today, is everything okay?" sort of way that is easy for her to talk around.
There is a big difference in the expectations surrounding emotional intimacy in a family or friends relationship versus a romantic relationship. And a long distance relationship really takes that difference to the next level, because so much more mental effort is required to maintain emotional intimacy when you don't see your romantic partner every day.
It's probably a lot less emotional work for her to interact with friends and family right now than it is for her to interact with you. So if you want to meet her where she is at right now, I think you need to figure out how to make your interactions with her less work for her.
I know you said you are already trying to stop focusing so much on how this issue affects you. But have you tried shifting your focus entirely to how this situation is affecting her?
Think about it. How would you feel if suddenly you lost all ability to feel affection or joy in the way that you usually do? If you suddenly couldn't have fun even when you are doing something you have always enjoyed, or feel happy even when you are near someone who has always made you feel that way? Wouldn't that be absolutely awful? Imagine not knowing why this is happening, and wondering if you would EVER be able to experience feeling love or happiness again. Wouldn't that actually be terrifying?
Now add on the fact that she is an oldest daughter who has been expected SINCE CHILDHOOD to take care of everyone else, who has always been asked to give more love and attention to others than she has ever received. Add on the fact that in her last marriage her partner also took without giving anything positive in return.
And now here she is facing a mental health crisis that is distressful and scary for her, and here you are listing to her all of the ways in which her lack of ability to give you attention in the precise way you want it is negatively affecting YOU. And the ways you have offered to help so far all seem to be ways that involve you getting more of what you want (time spent physically in person with her).
She might not be able to give you what you want or what you need right now out of a relationship. And like she said, it's okay for you to decide that if she can't give you what you want or need right now, the relationship isn't working anymore and it's okay for you to leave.
But if you value this relationship with her enough to want to slog through a hard time and keep it, then I really think the way you win here is by setting your own wants and needs aside for a time and focusing on helping her heal.
Try thinking of this mental health challenge she is experiencing like a physical health challenge instead. If she shattered all of the bones in her leg and was unable to travel to see you for a month, and if you for some reason couldn't travel to see her in the hospital, would you be telling her how much her broken leg was hurting you? Or would you be sending her funny memes and cute animal photos to distract her from the pain and not getting your knickers in a twist if she didn't have the energy to immediately respond?
If you want to support her through this time, think about ways that you can be there for her that do not make more work for her. Instead of talking about how this is affecting you (you already told her; she already knows), shift to listening about how it is affecting her.
posted by BlueJae at 7:35 AM on August 19, 2024 [19 favorites]
After several long discussions when I was expressing my pain and confusion
This does sound like she can not just hang out with you without having to feel or act a certain way. If you want to support her in her crisis, you may have to ease off of talking about how her crisis affects you, with her.
posted by meijusa at 7:39 AM on August 19, 2024 [7 favorites]
This does sound like she can not just hang out with you without having to feel or act a certain way. If you want to support her in her crisis, you may have to ease off of talking about how her crisis affects you, with her.
posted by meijusa at 7:39 AM on August 19, 2024 [7 favorites]
Sometimes the hard work required to maintain the health of an intimate relationship is entirely internal. Sounds like she's doing hers.
What would you do in this situation?
Trust her to be the best judge of what she needs, hope that once she's got her health back then that will still turn out to be me, and work on noticing, identifying and alleviating my own insecurities.
posted by flabdablet at 7:52 AM on August 19, 2024 [2 favorites]
What would you do in this situation?
Trust her to be the best judge of what she needs, hope that once she's got her health back then that will still turn out to be me, and work on noticing, identifying and alleviating my own insecurities.
posted by flabdablet at 7:52 AM on August 19, 2024 [2 favorites]
I don't understand whatall is happening here at all or why she's still that level of upset enough to shut you out, but frankly, I think the relationship is already over reading this. Like "if she won't break up with you, just break up with her" level of ending it. She has Shut Down with regards to you. She can contact you if she wants to reconnect, but right now you're sitting in shitty limbo, not having a relationship, with an anvil over your head.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:58 AM on August 19, 2024 [6 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:58 AM on August 19, 2024 [6 favorites]
Best answer: So I’m going to disagree with a few things said here. I believe it’s actually first and foremost your job to decide what you feel/think/need, and second to act with compassion.
So after “golden years” you’ve learned what your girlfriend looks like under this kind of crisis*. She turtles - pulls back in her shell from you and lessens contact and affection. It sounds to me like she’s in a fight or flight spin with you and this is flight. If she’s working on it, it should pass. It’s positive that she is still hanging out with you via tech.
But it may not pass.. Whatever miscommunication and fight you had, it hit something deep.
I do this too. My good partners have been able to (of course) respect my stated needs but be clear — not long drawn out conversations, just clear - on what they need too. In this particular trip’s case, you didn’t have plans to be together, you had assumptions. So that’s kind of a freebie. But I think if the birthday is a deal breaker, give it a week and then say “Hey, I love you. I would really like you here for my birthday.” Say it positively and with truth. Don't insist on behaviour. Just state your desire.
If she says no, you say in real words something like “I respect your boundaries but I need to let you know, this is entering deal breaking territory for me, because a long-term partner is someone you spend time with, and I feel like you are making an active choice to not spend time with me. I can wait [x months] and I really want to work this out. So let me know how I could help, if staying elsewhere but going out for dinner would help. But that’s where I stand.” And then talk about something else. You are giving her information.
I recommend against heartfelt deep conversations. Those will just retrigger everyone. Have those after. In person, I’d say just be in the same space and watch light entertainment or garden or something. De-escalate the high scale emotion.
What I have to share as an insight is that I am very glad my husband and my boyfriend have sat with me through my equivalent shit. Which has been on the orders of days, not months. And yet, both in those relationships and others, my tendency to sometimes flip around and see my closest partner as the biggest threat to me, and detach, while emotionally true on my end, is fundamentally destructive. It has been a thing I have had to address in myself. It’s not cool.
If she can’t, on a scale of a few months, stand down and approach you, I think it’s important to move on. Because the base rule of relationships that aren’t abusive are “we’re in this together.” If someone’s decided not to adhere to that, the relationship is not going to stay healthy.
* if the miscommunication was about sex or control I might refine my advice
posted by warriorqueen at 8:03 AM on August 19, 2024 [25 favorites]
So after “golden years” you’ve learned what your girlfriend looks like under this kind of crisis*. She turtles - pulls back in her shell from you and lessens contact and affection. It sounds to me like she’s in a fight or flight spin with you and this is flight. If she’s working on it, it should pass. It’s positive that she is still hanging out with you via tech.
But it may not pass.. Whatever miscommunication and fight you had, it hit something deep.
I do this too. My good partners have been able to (of course) respect my stated needs but be clear — not long drawn out conversations, just clear - on what they need too. In this particular trip’s case, you didn’t have plans to be together, you had assumptions. So that’s kind of a freebie. But I think if the birthday is a deal breaker, give it a week and then say “Hey, I love you. I would really like you here for my birthday.” Say it positively and with truth. Don't insist on behaviour. Just state your desire.
If she says no, you say in real words something like “I respect your boundaries but I need to let you know, this is entering deal breaking territory for me, because a long-term partner is someone you spend time with, and I feel like you are making an active choice to not spend time with me. I can wait [x months] and I really want to work this out. So let me know how I could help, if staying elsewhere but going out for dinner would help. But that’s where I stand.” And then talk about something else. You are giving her information.
I recommend against heartfelt deep conversations. Those will just retrigger everyone. Have those after. In person, I’d say just be in the same space and watch light entertainment or garden or something. De-escalate the high scale emotion.
What I have to share as an insight is that I am very glad my husband and my boyfriend have sat with me through my equivalent shit. Which has been on the orders of days, not months. And yet, both in those relationships and others, my tendency to sometimes flip around and see my closest partner as the biggest threat to me, and detach, while emotionally true on my end, is fundamentally destructive. It has been a thing I have had to address in myself. It’s not cool.
If she can’t, on a scale of a few months, stand down and approach you, I think it’s important to move on. Because the base rule of relationships that aren’t abusive are “we’re in this together.” If someone’s decided not to adhere to that, the relationship is not going to stay healthy.
* if the miscommunication was about sex or control I might refine my advice
posted by warriorqueen at 8:03 AM on August 19, 2024 [25 favorites]
Best answer: When a person is in crisis, it's a "comfort in, dump out" situation.
This applies to any person, but it's especially difficult with one's partner. You're used to being able to talk about your emotions with her, and usually that's healthy. But as others have said, right now, being there for her means (1) listening to her and (2) distracting her with pleasant talk of other things. Keeping her connected to the world through your observations of it, because right now she can only perceive it through a glass, darkly.
My therapist [...] believe this is related to menopause and might take a month or two or longer to "fix" with medication.
This isn't helpful advice, because there is no way of knowing how long a mental health crisis will last. Recovery is often slow, and setbacks are part of it.
I've been on both ends of this, and it's lonely work both ways. Whether or not you remain partners, it would be a good deed to be there for her as a friend.
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:11 AM on August 19, 2024 [4 favorites]
This applies to any person, but it's especially difficult with one's partner. You're used to being able to talk about your emotions with her, and usually that's healthy. But as others have said, right now, being there for her means (1) listening to her and (2) distracting her with pleasant talk of other things. Keeping her connected to the world through your observations of it, because right now she can only perceive it through a glass, darkly.
My therapist [...] believe this is related to menopause and might take a month or two or longer to "fix" with medication.
This isn't helpful advice, because there is no way of knowing how long a mental health crisis will last. Recovery is often slow, and setbacks are part of it.
I've been on both ends of this, and it's lonely work both ways. Whether or not you remain partners, it would be a good deed to be there for her as a friend.
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:11 AM on August 19, 2024 [4 favorites]
If you want to be in this relationship long term, you need to be able to exist in it without being centered in her effort and emotional energy. She is in a mental health crisis, and is using her resources to try and dig herself out.
It's not fair. It's not sexy. It's not gratifying.
For now, you'll have to "comfort in and vent out." Make sure she has the food, puzzles, cute animal videos and other distractions she needs to exist within her numbness. Keep talking to her. Tell her about your day and experiences. Leave time and space for her to talk. Ask how she's doing and listen to her answers. Care for her, by keeping her company (in time, if not in space) and not asking her to comfort you. Vent about the situation and your struggles to unshared, close friends (or your therapist), if you need emotional support.
When she gets through her current crisis (and it is a jog, not a sprint), then you can take stock of whether being in this relationship still works for both of you.
If this isn't a scenario that will work for you for a long distance relationship, she has given permission for you to prioritize yourself. Which is kind, and shouldn't be taken as a sign she doesn't care for you but that she can't caretake your emotions right now. And that she is already so numb, more pain seems meaningless. But you can break up with her if you can't handle this new dynamic. That's up to you.
Source: Supporting a close friend through long-term mental health crises. My go to foods are samosas and homemade muffins and my go to activity is to watch movies together. I also send lots of animal videos (as previously mentioned) and buy trashy magazines. We've come through those years of crisis, and I am grateful everyday for their life and my place in it. But man, those were weird years for self-centered little old me.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 8:18 AM on August 19, 2024 [3 favorites]
It's not fair. It's not sexy. It's not gratifying.
For now, you'll have to "comfort in and vent out." Make sure she has the food, puzzles, cute animal videos and other distractions she needs to exist within her numbness. Keep talking to her. Tell her about your day and experiences. Leave time and space for her to talk. Ask how she's doing and listen to her answers. Care for her, by keeping her company (in time, if not in space) and not asking her to comfort you. Vent about the situation and your struggles to unshared, close friends (or your therapist), if you need emotional support.
When she gets through her current crisis (and it is a jog, not a sprint), then you can take stock of whether being in this relationship still works for both of you.
If this isn't a scenario that will work for you for a long distance relationship, she has given permission for you to prioritize yourself. Which is kind, and shouldn't be taken as a sign she doesn't care for you but that she can't caretake your emotions right now. And that she is already so numb, more pain seems meaningless. But you can break up with her if you can't handle this new dynamic. That's up to you.
Source: Supporting a close friend through long-term mental health crises. My go to foods are samosas and homemade muffins and my go to activity is to watch movies together. I also send lots of animal videos (as previously mentioned) and buy trashy magazines. We've come through those years of crisis, and I am grateful everyday for their life and my place in it. But man, those were weird years for self-centered little old me.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 8:18 AM on August 19, 2024 [3 favorites]
The time span we're talking about is a few weeks, after a couple years together? I'd be willing to give it some time, especially with her actively addressing it with a psychiatrist (and maybe also her GP/endocrinologist, re: HRT--the hormonal changes in perimenopause and menopause can wreak havoc on mental health in ways people have never experienced before).
But I think you also need to remember that you get to have needs in a relationship, even when someone else is going through something. I see that you've "offered" to visit. It is fair game, at a certain point, to ask for a visit because you need some time in the same physical space, with the understanding that it will be different from your normal visits, she won't be as loving, and big/serious talks are off the table (and I think that even though your distress makes sense, you should postpone state-of-the-relationship/your-pain-and-confusion talks for a while regardless). How she responds to that request will be useful information. If she can't allow herself to be cared for by you, or can't handle being vulnerable around you- to me those are areas of potential growth and healing, but she's the only one who can choose whether to lean into the relationship or away from it.
When I think about times I've been down in a hole, I could still swing quietly watching a movie with a partner. And the way I look at relationships, even if all of my habitual coping mechanisms point to isolating, I have some obligation--because I've chosen to have one in committing to this person--to do things a little differently than I might do them if I were single, and to act in a way that reflects that they continue to have relational needs. Sometimes you just don't have it in you to really show up as a partner and I think the right thing to do is to allow for that reality when a loved one is going through it, but if within that I chose to not find a bare-minimum way to meet some of those needs, I couldn't blame someone for breaking up with me. Depression ends some relationships for exactly this reason, and often rightly so. You don't need to be in a hurry to make big decisions, but I'd leave all options on the table, at least internally.
posted by wormtales at 8:23 AM on August 19, 2024 [8 favorites]
But I think you also need to remember that you get to have needs in a relationship, even when someone else is going through something. I see that you've "offered" to visit. It is fair game, at a certain point, to ask for a visit because you need some time in the same physical space, with the understanding that it will be different from your normal visits, she won't be as loving, and big/serious talks are off the table (and I think that even though your distress makes sense, you should postpone state-of-the-relationship/your-pain-and-confusion talks for a while regardless). How she responds to that request will be useful information. If she can't allow herself to be cared for by you, or can't handle being vulnerable around you- to me those are areas of potential growth and healing, but she's the only one who can choose whether to lean into the relationship or away from it.
When I think about times I've been down in a hole, I could still swing quietly watching a movie with a partner. And the way I look at relationships, even if all of my habitual coping mechanisms point to isolating, I have some obligation--because I've chosen to have one in committing to this person--to do things a little differently than I might do them if I were single, and to act in a way that reflects that they continue to have relational needs. Sometimes you just don't have it in you to really show up as a partner and I think the right thing to do is to allow for that reality when a loved one is going through it, but if within that I chose to not find a bare-minimum way to meet some of those needs, I couldn't blame someone for breaking up with me. Depression ends some relationships for exactly this reason, and often rightly so. You don't need to be in a hurry to make big decisions, but I'd leave all options on the table, at least internally.
posted by wormtales at 8:23 AM on August 19, 2024 [8 favorites]
You are framing "but what about ME, I'm hurting too" as something for her to fix instead of you. And she cannot, at this time and indefinitely in the future, even participate in fixing this.
You have registered your complaints thoroughly to her, which probably contributes to her certainty she doesn't want to see you and can't give you the physical intimacy you want, even for your birthday. Continuing to complain is not going to get you a different result. This isn't a "talk it out" situation; this is a "your partner is sick, take a seat or take a hike" situation.
If you don't like this and it is detrimental to your well-being and you don't want to stand by while your partner goes through something, end it. Yes, it sucks and it's sad you're not getting what you want. Given that only a few aspects of this are under your control, make a decision about what you want to do within the realm of what you CAN do, and not what you want her to do instead. She's too busy to make relationship decisions right now, this is on you to do what you need to do for yourself.
Welcome to middle age, though. All of us get hurt and sick a lot easier than we used to, and catastrophic shit comes on a LOT faster than it used to. For people in our cohort who have kids and grandkids, any crises in their worlds may also be a "drop everything" situation. If you intend to have somewhat same-age relationships, this is going to be a major risk, and it's worth figuring out how you feel about that before you date again. The chances of your future partners dealing with something more important than you or so life-disrupting that they do not have much interest in sexual interactions is high, and if that's a dealbreaker for you it would be best to get that established early on. If it's a given out of the box that you're going to chemo cheat or whatever, there's going to be a lot of potential partners who don't want to deal with that.
If you're going to keep talking to her, you need to start respecting her no. Because this sounds like a back and forth of "something's going on, I can't do relationship stuff right now" "okay but relationship stuff?" "no, I really cannot" "but me though?" "I'm in some kind of psychological/medical crisis" "okay but in a month or two?"
I nearly died from perimenopause, my mental state got so bad. It really really wasn't a "relationship woe", it was that I personally was in serious trouble. It lasted rather more than a month or two. It did indeed surface a fuckton of old trauma so that my relationship with the entire world was changed and precarious, and of course the people who didn't know me very well were the least affected by that. My partner had to do a lot of heavy lifting for a couple years. I am different now. Better, but also like a lot of my peers no longer so willing to tolerate the shenanigans of partners or family. If you think that's maybe not going to be right for you, I would encourage you to step away quietly and not make the breakup about retribution or fixing your feelings, but just acknowledge you've reached the end of your path with this person.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:26 AM on August 19, 2024 [18 favorites]
You have registered your complaints thoroughly to her, which probably contributes to her certainty she doesn't want to see you and can't give you the physical intimacy you want, even for your birthday. Continuing to complain is not going to get you a different result. This isn't a "talk it out" situation; this is a "your partner is sick, take a seat or take a hike" situation.
If you don't like this and it is detrimental to your well-being and you don't want to stand by while your partner goes through something, end it. Yes, it sucks and it's sad you're not getting what you want. Given that only a few aspects of this are under your control, make a decision about what you want to do within the realm of what you CAN do, and not what you want her to do instead. She's too busy to make relationship decisions right now, this is on you to do what you need to do for yourself.
Welcome to middle age, though. All of us get hurt and sick a lot easier than we used to, and catastrophic shit comes on a LOT faster than it used to. For people in our cohort who have kids and grandkids, any crises in their worlds may also be a "drop everything" situation. If you intend to have somewhat same-age relationships, this is going to be a major risk, and it's worth figuring out how you feel about that before you date again. The chances of your future partners dealing with something more important than you or so life-disrupting that they do not have much interest in sexual interactions is high, and if that's a dealbreaker for you it would be best to get that established early on. If it's a given out of the box that you're going to chemo cheat or whatever, there's going to be a lot of potential partners who don't want to deal with that.
If you're going to keep talking to her, you need to start respecting her no. Because this sounds like a back and forth of "something's going on, I can't do relationship stuff right now" "okay but relationship stuff?" "no, I really cannot" "but me though?" "I'm in some kind of psychological/medical crisis" "okay but in a month or two?"
I nearly died from perimenopause, my mental state got so bad. It really really wasn't a "relationship woe", it was that I personally was in serious trouble. It lasted rather more than a month or two. It did indeed surface a fuckton of old trauma so that my relationship with the entire world was changed and precarious, and of course the people who didn't know me very well were the least affected by that. My partner had to do a lot of heavy lifting for a couple years. I am different now. Better, but also like a lot of my peers no longer so willing to tolerate the shenanigans of partners or family. If you think that's maybe not going to be right for you, I would encourage you to step away quietly and not make the breakup about retribution or fixing your feelings, but just acknowledge you've reached the end of your path with this person.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:26 AM on August 19, 2024 [18 favorites]
If someone I was seeing wanted a break and no contact for a few weeks during a mental health crisis, I'd be hurt but I'd try to be ok with it (and I'd try to vent to my therapist or friends, not to them). A "break" of more than 2 months I personally would probably consider it an actual breakup and just let it end kindly.
Maybe for now you could kindly and factually send something like, "Hi name, Thanks for sharing how you feel with me and letting me know you need some space. I care about you a lot and I respect your need for alone time, so I wanted to let you know I won't initiate any contact for a few weeks. Maybe we could talk again around {future time a few weeks ahead} - I'd love to check in then, if that's ok, to see how you're doing. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you with care and while I won't contact you, you're always welcome to contact me. Sending hugs, Name".
In the meantime, get busy with your own projects, and vent to a therapist. Then regroup after that time period and see how she feels about picking up or ending things.
And it's a valid trauma response and understandable impulse for her to want to ghost, but that doesn't mean you have to be ok with it!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:12 AM on August 19, 2024 [2 favorites]
Maybe for now you could kindly and factually send something like, "Hi name, Thanks for sharing how you feel with me and letting me know you need some space. I care about you a lot and I respect your need for alone time, so I wanted to let you know I won't initiate any contact for a few weeks. Maybe we could talk again around {future time a few weeks ahead} - I'd love to check in then, if that's ok, to see how you're doing. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you with care and while I won't contact you, you're always welcome to contact me. Sending hugs, Name".
In the meantime, get busy with your own projects, and vent to a therapist. Then regroup after that time period and see how she feels about picking up or ending things.
And it's a valid trauma response and understandable impulse for her to want to ghost, but that doesn't mean you have to be ok with it!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:12 AM on August 19, 2024 [2 favorites]
I don't think it matters why, and this is not to blame, judge, imply fault, or any of that on either of your parts, but I think it's over. You can't make someone want to engage with you. Tell her you love her and you'd love to hear from her any time she's up to it. Then move on. If you do hear from her, bonus.
posted by ctmf at 11:19 AM on August 19, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 11:19 AM on August 19, 2024 [3 favorites]
It sounds like she is having a massive bout of depression and does not have the energy to be dealing with anyone else's feelings right now.
If it were me, I would ask her what sorts of interactions she currently wants (calls, texts, visits, sending random memes, to be left alone) and do what she asked. I'd cry on some friends' shoulders because I was worried about her and because I was feeling lonely. I would find other ways to socialize in the time I'm no longer spending with her, and hope that eventually she'll want to see more of me again.
As I've gotten older, I've had a lot of people drop in and out of my life. People would move to different continents or start challenging jobs or be exhausted by parenting or go back to school or fight cancer or deal with a major mental health issue, and they did not have time for me. (Especially if I lived five hours away and a 20 minute coffee catchup was not a viable option.) It didn't mean our relationships were necessarily over. Sometimes they were, but sometimes we would reconnect when our circumstances changed. You could consider whether this needs to be an all or nothing thing.
posted by metasarah at 11:28 AM on August 19, 2024 [5 favorites]
If it were me, I would ask her what sorts of interactions she currently wants (calls, texts, visits, sending random memes, to be left alone) and do what she asked. I'd cry on some friends' shoulders because I was worried about her and because I was feeling lonely. I would find other ways to socialize in the time I'm no longer spending with her, and hope that eventually she'll want to see more of me again.
As I've gotten older, I've had a lot of people drop in and out of my life. People would move to different continents or start challenging jobs or be exhausted by parenting or go back to school or fight cancer or deal with a major mental health issue, and they did not have time for me. (Especially if I lived five hours away and a 20 minute coffee catchup was not a viable option.) It didn't mean our relationships were necessarily over. Sometimes they were, but sometimes we would reconnect when our circumstances changed. You could consider whether this needs to be an all or nothing thing.
posted by metasarah at 11:28 AM on August 19, 2024 [5 favorites]
Your partner has a right to distance, you have a right to know what's going on. It sounds like your partner is disconnecting, and it's possible for a person to be doing that and not realize they they are ending things. Carry on with your life, do stuff, meet people, learn things. Decide what your boundaries really are, how much distance works for you, what you want and need. It's appropriate to communicate your boundaries with your partner, too. I wish you the best.
posted by theora55 at 12:33 PM on August 19, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 12:33 PM on August 19, 2024 [1 favorite]
This is a really tough scenario. No right or wrong and lots of good advice here. That said, to me unfortunitely I agree with others who have said that the relationship is probably over. While she's obviously going through a lot, the fact that she is interacting with others...even if they don't interact the way you do with her...feels like a bit of BS to me. Maybe that's unfair but she's making time for others and not you. Despite that she's "dealing with Mental" issues. She claims that seeing you doesn't do her any good but everyone else...it's fine? I honestly don't buy it and think she just doesn't have the heart to end it. Again maybe I'm incorrect with my instincts here but it really sounds like she doesn't want to be with you anymore. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, who enjoys being with you. Yeah she could be deeply depressed, or experiencing a whole array of problems due to Menopause, but I think you have to take this at face value and move on. The face value is that she's not engaging in your relationship. She doesn't appear to be trying to engage. In fact it appears it's the opposite. If this is the case, then you really no longer have a relationship. At your age time is of the essence. You deserve to get good ROI with how you spend your time. Maybe a compromise here would be to tell yourself and perhaps her, I'm willing to stick this out for x weeks or months. But if there are no changes I feel like you owe it to yourself to move in. Hope this helps and I'm very sorry your dealing with this.
posted by ljs30 at 1:20 PM on August 19, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 1:20 PM on August 19, 2024 [2 favorites]
I don't have much more to add to what's already been said. I do agree that this is a very challenging situation, your partner is expressing a need for space and time and you need connection. Those things aren't compatible. I think you need to think about how much space and time you're willing to give/tolerate/accept. I don't think it's right that you are just left in indefinite limbo about this and you deserve clear communication from your partner, but you can't really give an ultimatum in this situation and she doesn't seem to be in a position to provide you with clarity.
I think you just need to understand what amount of waiting time is going to be right for you and during the time you are giving your partner time and space, let her take the lead in initiating contact. You can invest that time in friendships, hobbies, internal work with your therapist. After this time is past you can reevaluate whether you want to move on or give things more time.
If both of you do make it through this crisis and you want a long-term future, then I hope you will consider couples counselling. As a couple you need better options for working through crises than retreat and non-communication.
posted by brookeb at 1:56 PM on August 19, 2024 [1 favorite]
I think you just need to understand what amount of waiting time is going to be right for you and during the time you are giving your partner time and space, let her take the lead in initiating contact. You can invest that time in friendships, hobbies, internal work with your therapist. After this time is past you can reevaluate whether you want to move on or give things more time.
If both of you do make it through this crisis and you want a long-term future, then I hope you will consider couples counselling. As a couple you need better options for working through crises than retreat and non-communication.
posted by brookeb at 1:56 PM on August 19, 2024 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: These answers have been wonderful, insightful, and helpful! Thank you all so very much for taking the time to help me!
posted by clocksock at 3:16 PM on August 19, 2024 [4 favorites]
posted by clocksock at 3:16 PM on August 19, 2024 [4 favorites]
I've unfortunately been in your partner's position (in my case it was rare side effects from a new medication that took months to go away).
My experience was bewildering and scary: it was unlike anything I'd ever felt, I didn't know what caused it, I didn't know how to fix it, and I didn't know how long I'd have to deal with it.
I would have given anything to have someone sit down with me and try to figure out a course of action, from simple things like "Are you getting enough food and sleep?" to more complex things like "Are you having an existential crisis because your job is meaningless?" and logistical things like "Let's book an appointment with a neurologist and a hormonal balance specialist." Even questions like "Have you ever felt this way before? What was happening in your life then? What helped?" would have been so helpful.
One of the most bewildering parts was that I couldn't even perform "being myself," much less "being in a relationship." I suddenly couldn't tell what I liked or what I wanted. All I felt was blankness. Everything felt fake, like a performance with bad actors. Just like you said, I felt like a doppelganger alien even to myself.
If any of the above is true for your partner, she is likely both afraid of letting you down and also unable to do anything else. She can't access her emotions, to either break up or tell you what's going on, because she's in survival mode.
It could also be multiple things: maybe she was triggered by your fight and is having menopause issues and something else. One of those things would be bad enough, but together they are completely overwhelming.
And yes, intimate partners are a very different category than family, friends, or acquaintances, so unfortunately it makes sense that your partner would be having a harder time connecting with you than with others. Intimate partners trigger all of our attachment and abandonment wounds and trauma patterns in a much deeper way than anyone else. Yes, you are being treated differently, and there is an underlying reason for it, even if there's not much you can do about it.
That said, your needs matter too. And at some point, you may have to stand up for yourself and say, "Hey, I understand you're going through a lot but this isn't working for me." Personally, I would draw the line at her being unable to communicate about what's going on for more than a week or two.
If you haven't already reached that point, see if you can use your knowledge of your partner and her trauma responses to figure out a course of action.
Is she likely to be afraid of disappointing you? If so, get your own social life for a bit, keep your communication light and breezy and infrequent, maybe send memes and distractions and "Had a fun time seeing [friend] tonight, we went out for dinner and saw the fluffiest dog!" It seems like you've already been doing this. Make sure there's not an undertone of "I'm holding a torch for you, hoping you'll come back to your normal self soon," which can feel like an impossible expectation.
Is she likely to be afraid of needing care herself but would appreciate the help? See if you can walk her through making a plan for medical appointments. Maybe send some food. Maybe talk about it as a hypothetical, like "I know you probably don't need to see another doctor, but let's make an appointment just in case. You can always skip it if you feel better by then."
Is she likely to have been overextending herself in your relationship, saying yes to things she doesn't really want, and suddenly doesn't have the cope to deal with it? Leave her alone for a bit, and then say something like "Hey, I know you might not have energy for 1-1 hangs, but I'm doing [thing] with [friend] and would love to see you if you're up for it." May or may not make sense given the long distance, but basically give a low-stakes option where she can show up (or not) last-minute and the plans are not dependent on her.
Regardless of what you end up doing, I want to affirm that you deserve better than radio silence. You are partners, and partners deal with crises together. Her actions may be a trauma response, but past a certain point, that still doesn't make them loving or compatible with a healthy relationship. If none of the above options get any traction, it is totally valid to wish them the best while exiting this relationship.
posted by danceswithlight at 5:25 PM on August 19, 2024 [5 favorites]
My experience was bewildering and scary: it was unlike anything I'd ever felt, I didn't know what caused it, I didn't know how to fix it, and I didn't know how long I'd have to deal with it.
I would have given anything to have someone sit down with me and try to figure out a course of action, from simple things like "Are you getting enough food and sleep?" to more complex things like "Are you having an existential crisis because your job is meaningless?" and logistical things like "Let's book an appointment with a neurologist and a hormonal balance specialist." Even questions like "Have you ever felt this way before? What was happening in your life then? What helped?" would have been so helpful.
One of the most bewildering parts was that I couldn't even perform "being myself," much less "being in a relationship." I suddenly couldn't tell what I liked or what I wanted. All I felt was blankness. Everything felt fake, like a performance with bad actors. Just like you said, I felt like a doppelganger alien even to myself.
If any of the above is true for your partner, she is likely both afraid of letting you down and also unable to do anything else. She can't access her emotions, to either break up or tell you what's going on, because she's in survival mode.
It could also be multiple things: maybe she was triggered by your fight and is having menopause issues and something else. One of those things would be bad enough, but together they are completely overwhelming.
And yes, intimate partners are a very different category than family, friends, or acquaintances, so unfortunately it makes sense that your partner would be having a harder time connecting with you than with others. Intimate partners trigger all of our attachment and abandonment wounds and trauma patterns in a much deeper way than anyone else. Yes, you are being treated differently, and there is an underlying reason for it, even if there's not much you can do about it.
That said, your needs matter too. And at some point, you may have to stand up for yourself and say, "Hey, I understand you're going through a lot but this isn't working for me." Personally, I would draw the line at her being unable to communicate about what's going on for more than a week or two.
If you haven't already reached that point, see if you can use your knowledge of your partner and her trauma responses to figure out a course of action.
Is she likely to be afraid of disappointing you? If so, get your own social life for a bit, keep your communication light and breezy and infrequent, maybe send memes and distractions and "Had a fun time seeing [friend] tonight, we went out for dinner and saw the fluffiest dog!" It seems like you've already been doing this. Make sure there's not an undertone of "I'm holding a torch for you, hoping you'll come back to your normal self soon," which can feel like an impossible expectation.
Is she likely to be afraid of needing care herself but would appreciate the help? See if you can walk her through making a plan for medical appointments. Maybe send some food. Maybe talk about it as a hypothetical, like "I know you probably don't need to see another doctor, but let's make an appointment just in case. You can always skip it if you feel better by then."
Is she likely to have been overextending herself in your relationship, saying yes to things she doesn't really want, and suddenly doesn't have the cope to deal with it? Leave her alone for a bit, and then say something like "Hey, I know you might not have energy for 1-1 hangs, but I'm doing [thing] with [friend] and would love to see you if you're up for it." May or may not make sense given the long distance, but basically give a low-stakes option where she can show up (or not) last-minute and the plans are not dependent on her.
Regardless of what you end up doing, I want to affirm that you deserve better than radio silence. You are partners, and partners deal with crises together. Her actions may be a trauma response, but past a certain point, that still doesn't make them loving or compatible with a healthy relationship. If none of the above options get any traction, it is totally valid to wish them the best while exiting this relationship.
posted by danceswithlight at 5:25 PM on August 19, 2024 [5 favorites]
It's ok to have needs in a relationship and end said relationship if those needs are no longer being met. I personally would be extremely hurt if my long distance, long term partner was in my city and had no desire to see me. I would likely break up, or consider myself broken up with. You can do this kindly, with an offer to reconnect, at least as friends, if/when the other person is ready. I guess I just wanted to offer a counterpoint, apparently I am not as patient as many other commenters.
posted by emd3737 at 1:13 AM on August 20, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 1:13 AM on August 20, 2024 [2 favorites]
It's ok to have needs in a relationship and end said relationship if those needs are no longer being met.
I came to say what emd3737 already said above. There are many reasons* that your partner might be acting the way she is, and most of them link back to her own pain and difficulty. You've received a lot of good advice on ways to help yourself look at things that way, and recognize that she might be dealing with things that simply mean she's not capable of really being in a relationship right now.
And, at the end of the day, you're not being fair to yourself or her if you try to cling to a relationship with someone who simply can't be a partner to you, no matter what the reason. Being kind about it, and even keeping the door open to touching base in the future to see what you both want when she's ready, could be great for both of you, but your emotions and needs also deserve compassion and respect. Coming to a romantic partner's city and refusing to see them is not that, regardless of whether she meant to hurt you or not. In your shoes, I'd be letting the person know I now considered myself single. I'd also be focussing my energy on healing my own hurt and getting emotional and other support for myself, and giving them space to do the same.
*I do think the reason behind your fight could be important in all this, and, as someone above pointed out, if it had to do with something like sex or control, you might want to give some serious thought about how it might have contributed to her distancing herself. If she won't talk to you, it's impossible to work it through and know what she's thinking, but you probably know deep down how serious the issue was, and whether you did anything that might have frightened her or otherwise changed her feelings for you. If you did, it might be worth discussing the situation with your therapist in case there's something that you could work on so this isn't a factor in future relationships, either with this current person, or someone else.
posted by rpfields at 1:41 PM on August 20, 2024 [3 favorites]
I came to say what emd3737 already said above. There are many reasons* that your partner might be acting the way she is, and most of them link back to her own pain and difficulty. You've received a lot of good advice on ways to help yourself look at things that way, and recognize that she might be dealing with things that simply mean she's not capable of really being in a relationship right now.
And, at the end of the day, you're not being fair to yourself or her if you try to cling to a relationship with someone who simply can't be a partner to you, no matter what the reason. Being kind about it, and even keeping the door open to touching base in the future to see what you both want when she's ready, could be great for both of you, but your emotions and needs also deserve compassion and respect. Coming to a romantic partner's city and refusing to see them is not that, regardless of whether she meant to hurt you or not. In your shoes, I'd be letting the person know I now considered myself single. I'd also be focussing my energy on healing my own hurt and getting emotional and other support for myself, and giving them space to do the same.
*I do think the reason behind your fight could be important in all this, and, as someone above pointed out, if it had to do with something like sex or control, you might want to give some serious thought about how it might have contributed to her distancing herself. If she won't talk to you, it's impossible to work it through and know what she's thinking, but you probably know deep down how serious the issue was, and whether you did anything that might have frightened her or otherwise changed her feelings for you. If you did, it might be worth discussing the situation with your therapist in case there's something that you could work on so this isn't a factor in future relationships, either with this current person, or someone else.
posted by rpfields at 1:41 PM on August 20, 2024 [3 favorites]
Hi! I used to be in a long distance relationship with the male version of your partner, maybe. When he was deeply, deeply depressed he did not want to see me in person, because he didn't want to fake (and had difficulty faking) feelings around me, and didn't want me to see what a giant mess of feelings he was. And like - he wasn't lying! there was a giant mess of feelings under there! None of them were him not loving me, though. He also stopped talking during those times about emotional/romantic things. It was rough. It's a withdrawal thing that certain people who have experienced abuse return to as a trauma response.
I know that with people who have been in abusive relationships, one of the big fears (and things abusers say to them) is that they will never be a good partner again, they will never be able to have a successful relationship, that they are always going to be responsible for the failure.
I think it's entirely possible that your disagreement with your partner may have tied into those fears. She may not really have a good calibration on the differences between a 'good relationship, with occasional disagreements, which get resolved' and a bad, abusive relationship that will always be doomed to failure. So she may be afraid that she is the problem in relationships, that she is doomed to always cause relationship failure, and that may be causing her depression.
I think being normal is probably the best thing you can do right now. Keep being your reliable, regular self - as normal as you can make things. Someone told me once that only one person in a relationship can be freaking out at a time, and I think that's generally good advice. Right now, let her be that one, and you support her. When she's done freaking out, then you can talk about how it made you feel.
posted by corb at 4:01 PM on August 20, 2024 [2 favorites]
I know that with people who have been in abusive relationships, one of the big fears (and things abusers say to them) is that they will never be a good partner again, they will never be able to have a successful relationship, that they are always going to be responsible for the failure.
I think it's entirely possible that your disagreement with your partner may have tied into those fears. She may not really have a good calibration on the differences between a 'good relationship, with occasional disagreements, which get resolved' and a bad, abusive relationship that will always be doomed to failure. So she may be afraid that she is the problem in relationships, that she is doomed to always cause relationship failure, and that may be causing her depression.
I think being normal is probably the best thing you can do right now. Keep being your reliable, regular self - as normal as you can make things. Someone told me once that only one person in a relationship can be freaking out at a time, and I think that's generally good advice. Right now, let her be that one, and you support her. When she's done freaking out, then you can talk about how it made you feel.
posted by corb at 4:01 PM on August 20, 2024 [2 favorites]
I also want to say that sometimes people can't or won't end relationships, and it's almost like they are (unconsciously) nudging the partner to do it. I agree with others that it's okay for folks to take some space, but the best case scenario is that they communicate this directly and acknowledge this as a change and ask their partner for some patience, rather than just taking it and not really explaining it all very well. She might not know what she wants and needs. Sometimes people withdraw and don't break things off. Doesn't that suck? I am sorry.
I'd give it some time, but if you're getting to a month and she's not interested in seeing you, and she's not communicating all that, well, then it might be time for you to make some decisions about your own wants and needs and move forward.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:28 AM on August 23, 2024 [1 favorite]
I'd give it some time, but if you're getting to a month and she's not interested in seeing you, and she's not communicating all that, well, then it might be time for you to make some decisions about your own wants and needs and move forward.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:28 AM on August 23, 2024 [1 favorite]
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