I am only a chauffeur, I cannot chat
August 4, 2024 2:59 PM Subscribe
This is only a semi serious question.
I am going to a party in two hours so my kid can play with his friends. I have to stay there with him but have unfortunately have no spoons left and cannot face chatting with other parents there. How to stop them from talking to me without being rude?
I cannot face “oh how is your summer going” “what has TinyVat done this summer” “any vacations planned?”
I want to emphasize that these are nice people trying to bring me into the group but every word I am forced to listen to and generate in respond costs a brain cell at this point and I just want to lounge and watch my kid in silence. What can I say to nicely stop conversations?
I cannot face “oh how is your summer going” “what has TinyVat done this summer” “any vacations planned?”
I want to emphasize that these are nice people trying to bring me into the group but every word I am forced to listen to and generate in respond costs a brain cell at this point and I just want to lounge and watch my kid in silence. What can I say to nicely stop conversations?
I would personally white lie it. Bring headphones, ideally the over the ear can ones, and politely greet people and say “sorry I can’t chat, I have to catch up on some videos for a project I’m on*”
*if you feel uncomfortable with white lies, I gently encourage you to think about your mental health / spoons / executive function as a project :) so is it REALLY a white lie?
posted by seemoorglass at 3:01 PM on August 4, 2024 [2 favorites]
*if you feel uncomfortable with white lies, I gently encourage you to think about your mental health / spoons / executive function as a project :) so is it REALLY a white lie?
posted by seemoorglass at 3:01 PM on August 4, 2024 [2 favorites]
(If your job is Beach or literal firefighting then this may be less convincing.) (I meant my comment.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:02 PM on August 4, 2024 [5 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:02 PM on August 4, 2024 [5 favorites]
Tell the host you're not feeling well and ask whether there's a room where you could lie down for a while. Set an alarm. Get up, thank them, and ask for some coffee.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:04 PM on August 4, 2024 [18 favorites]
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:04 PM on August 4, 2024 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, room is good - you have a migraine, you need to lie down a bit, depending on how much you like lying you could say, "lie down a bit until the meds kick in". A harmless fib since you really....sort of....have a...spiritual migraine? And it will keep them from worrying that you have covid or are going to be sick on the rug.
Or if you feel that asking to lie down in another room will put the host out, well, you just need to sit quietly while the meds work, maybe drink something caffeinated - you aren't feeling bad enough to make the kid miss the playdate, but you aren't feeling up to chitchat. Smile and wave, sit quietly in a corner, maybe rest your eyes a little.
posted by Frowner at 3:19 PM on August 4, 2024 [16 favorites]
Or if you feel that asking to lie down in another room will put the host out, well, you just need to sit quietly while the meds work, maybe drink something caffeinated - you aren't feeling bad enough to make the kid miss the playdate, but you aren't feeling up to chitchat. Smile and wave, sit quietly in a corner, maybe rest your eyes a little.
posted by Frowner at 3:19 PM on August 4, 2024 [16 favorites]
Nthing the suggestion to tell them you need to rest in a quiet room. Make sure to specify you don't have respiratory symptoms/possible covid. You could say your allergies are acting up and making you tired.
posted by MiraK at 3:24 PM on August 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by MiraK at 3:24 PM on August 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
Can you just be honest? I’d be full of admiration if I saw someone in that situation say with a laugh or huge smile: “I have to be really honest with you, I am totally exhausted and I just don’t have it in me to socialise with you guys, I’m so sorry, but I’m going to sit over here with headphones on and watch my kid - you know those days when you’re just frazzled and cannot do small talk? It’s not you, but I’m having one of those…”
From what I understand of the rigours of parenthood, there’s not a parent in the world who wouldn’t Get It.
posted by penguin pie at 3:31 PM on August 4, 2024 [41 favorites]
From what I understand of the rigours of parenthood, there’s not a parent in the world who wouldn’t Get It.
posted by penguin pie at 3:31 PM on August 4, 2024 [41 favorites]
Don't go into the house. Stay in the car. Read, work on a laptop, etc. Kid comes out when the part is over. No need for white lies or to impose on the hosts.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 3:38 PM on August 4, 2024 [17 favorites]
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 3:38 PM on August 4, 2024 [17 favorites]
Is there someone you're close enough to text the "lounge in silence" plan to ahead of time? It can help to have a more social buffer, especially if folks might fret about you if you just pick a spot away from them and commence with chilling. I honestly do get a lot of mileage out of just that second part though, and if anyone still comes over I'll exhaustedly tell them I can't even formulate the answers to [whatever they're asking] right then.
posted by teremala at 4:01 PM on August 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by teremala at 4:01 PM on August 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
"Hey - here are the kiddos - sorry, but I have a crazy important phone call I need to deal with - I'm going to be in my car right there. Thanks."
posted by niicholas at 4:13 PM on August 4, 2024 [7 favorites]
posted by niicholas at 4:13 PM on August 4, 2024 [7 favorites]
Assuming you do need to be present (e.g. to support the kid or deescalate anything going off the rails) I would see if you can be honest (love that) or another white lie (with less potential for them to get worried about contagious illnesses) would be that you had some dental work done and your mouth feels really weird when you talk. Then you can occasionally nod if you feel up to it but avoid talking. Also if you get a little dizzy as the Novocaine wears off and need to go sit somewhere more quiet, you've set the stage for that.
posted by slidell at 4:58 PM on August 4, 2024
posted by slidell at 4:58 PM on August 4, 2024
I second being honest. As a fellow parent, I really hate when other parents lie. I never understood this white lie business. If you don't want to do something, be nice and honest and try to put in a way that doesn't make other people feel bad. I have certainly gone to parent events or play dates and let them know I'm not functional/had a rough day and won't be a good conversationalist and will be right over there but not social. So much better than lying.
posted by ichimunki at 5:36 PM on August 4, 2024 [8 favorites]
posted by ichimunki at 5:36 PM on August 4, 2024 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Guys I wrote that question, got in the car, drove (a LONG way, separate boring story) to the party and got there - the entire time wondering what advice I would get. So when I showed up, I sat in an inaccessible back corner and opened my phone and started reading... and didn't make ANY eye contact with ANYONE. If they called out to me I smiled and waved and went right back to the phone. And I kept it up the whole time. We were at a decently large venue, and it was kind of noisy, and because of where I was sitting they had a hard time coming back to talk to me...and I wasn't making eye contact.
So the whole thing went really well - especially because I was ready with the second line defense of a "headache" the entire time.
I'm an honest person 99% of the time but some of these people have their feelings hurt by leaves falling and like I said, no spoons. Awesome job, Mefites :)
posted by Vatnesine at 7:16 PM on August 4, 2024 [33 favorites]
So the whole thing went really well - especially because I was ready with the second line defense of a "headache" the entire time.
I'm an honest person 99% of the time but some of these people have their feelings hurt by leaves falling and like I said, no spoons. Awesome job, Mefites :)
posted by Vatnesine at 7:16 PM on August 4, 2024 [33 favorites]
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posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:01 PM on August 4, 2024 [22 favorites]