UK (London) dementia companionship and tenancy.
July 31, 2024 10:43 AM Subscribe
My mother has alzheimers. It's in what I suppose are the middle stages - she can't retain much new information and is on an antipsychotic, but is still lucid and articulate. She's also extremely lonely, and she has a spare room. How can I find her more company?
For much of her life, she's taken tenants into her spare room, but the last couple of attempts have been disasters due to her dementia. However, I wonder if - by dialing the rent way, way down, probably to zero - we could find someone who'd know what they were getting into, and who could help to make her less lonely? She wouldn't need any kind of nursing, just conversation.
Another option is befriending visits. I've spoken to Age UK and been added to their list, but they have a waiting list, particularly for dementia. I've wondered about - just advertising for this somehow, on Fiverr or something?
I'm open to any suggestions - she lives alone (I visit when I can) and has carer visits, but feels that they don't make for very stimulating conversation.
For much of her life, she's taken tenants into her spare room, but the last couple of attempts have been disasters due to her dementia. However, I wonder if - by dialing the rent way, way down, probably to zero - we could find someone who'd know what they were getting into, and who could help to make her less lonely? She wouldn't need any kind of nursing, just conversation.
Another option is befriending visits. I've spoken to Age UK and been added to their list, but they have a waiting list, particularly for dementia. I've wondered about - just advertising for this somehow, on Fiverr or something?
I'm open to any suggestions - she lives alone (I visit when I can) and has carer visits, but feels that they don't make for very stimulating conversation.
I have no idea how good it is in practice, but there are programs for exactly this in the UK. Homesharing might be a useful search word.
posted by MeadowlarkMaude at 12:01 PM on July 31, 2024
posted by MeadowlarkMaude at 12:01 PM on July 31, 2024
You mention Age UK, but have you tried contacting Dementia UK? They have a helpline and I’ve heard good things about them. They also supply Admiral Nurses (like Macmillan nurses but for dementia instead of cancer) who are maybe not what you need in this specific case, but just flagging as a possible useful additional resource for you.
I’d second the significant concern that doing the tenancy thing could be a magnet for potential abusers - ideally you’d want something like this to be done through an organisation that at the very least DBS-checked the people involved. There are also significant risk for the potential tenant with a progressive condition like dementia - to what extent are you expecting them to monitor/care for your mum? If she goes wandering and they happen to have been out having fun and didn’t notice for a loooong time, would you consider that a breach of contract/expectations? What kind of things do you expect them to report back to you on, and is there a level at which that starts to feel like spying? A common feature of dementia as it develops is the conviction that people are stealing from you - what do you do if your mum alleges that about the new tenant?
Unfortunately I think if the previous tenancies have ended badly because of the dementia, future ones are unlikely to go better just because someone’s paying less rent. To deal with the challenges of dementia in a more expert way than your average Joe is a pretty skilled thing, more in line with a job.
Local churches might offer befriending?
posted by penguin pie at 1:03 PM on July 31, 2024 [2 favorites]
I’d second the significant concern that doing the tenancy thing could be a magnet for potential abusers - ideally you’d want something like this to be done through an organisation that at the very least DBS-checked the people involved. There are also significant risk for the potential tenant with a progressive condition like dementia - to what extent are you expecting them to monitor/care for your mum? If she goes wandering and they happen to have been out having fun and didn’t notice for a loooong time, would you consider that a breach of contract/expectations? What kind of things do you expect them to report back to you on, and is there a level at which that starts to feel like spying? A common feature of dementia as it develops is the conviction that people are stealing from you - what do you do if your mum alleges that about the new tenant?
Unfortunately I think if the previous tenancies have ended badly because of the dementia, future ones are unlikely to go better just because someone’s paying less rent. To deal with the challenges of dementia in a more expert way than your average Joe is a pretty skilled thing, more in line with a job.
Local churches might offer befriending?
posted by penguin pie at 1:03 PM on July 31, 2024 [2 favorites]
Call churches and senior centers looking for volunteer visitors.
You could offer the room, for free, and do a background check. If you have someone in-home as a companion, be clear, and listen, and have a strong understanding of expectations.
If possible, pay someone to come in.
posted by theora55 at 7:39 PM on July 31, 2024
You could offer the room, for free, and do a background check. If you have someone in-home as a companion, be clear, and listen, and have a strong understanding of expectations.
If possible, pay someone to come in.
posted by theora55 at 7:39 PM on July 31, 2024
Best answer: I know someone who did this, finding the tenants by advertising in Private Eye. It probably helped that they were in London so it was a desirable place to live and a greater pool of people, so that might work to your benefit too. It worked well for them for a couple of years before the illness progressed. I have also seen ads for similar arrangements in the Lady.
We employed paid conversationalists for my grandmother, with mixed success. We found some of them through the university she had worked at, so that they had some knowledge of her work life. She also had in-home care, so as your mother's level of need changes, perhaps that would be feasible.
Is there a U3A that she could get to? Or a WI or similar women's group? My father, who has dementia, has had some success just accessing local community groups, like a choir. He tends to get anxious after a bit and leave them, but they do work for a while. He's now in Abbeyfield sheltered housing, which is a charity with the aim of alleviating loneliness in older people. In practice how well it does this varies by location, but if your mother is near an Abbeyfield it might be worth asking if they have any groups she could attend.
One of the best social resources for my father has actually been the clinical trial of medication he's on for four years now, which means he sees a nurse for several hours every two weeks, and spends a day at a clinic every couple of months. If your mother would be interested, we were recruited by the St Pancras Clinic in the Barbican. They organise and pay for transport. She would need a study partner to be involved though.
Re background checks - I don't think there is a way of doing these as a private individual in the UK.
posted by paduasoy at 1:18 AM on August 1, 2024
We employed paid conversationalists for my grandmother, with mixed success. We found some of them through the university she had worked at, so that they had some knowledge of her work life. She also had in-home care, so as your mother's level of need changes, perhaps that would be feasible.
Is there a U3A that she could get to? Or a WI or similar women's group? My father, who has dementia, has had some success just accessing local community groups, like a choir. He tends to get anxious after a bit and leave them, but they do work for a while. He's now in Abbeyfield sheltered housing, which is a charity with the aim of alleviating loneliness in older people. In practice how well it does this varies by location, but if your mother is near an Abbeyfield it might be worth asking if they have any groups she could attend.
One of the best social resources for my father has actually been the clinical trial of medication he's on for four years now, which means he sees a nurse for several hours every two weeks, and spends a day at a clinic every couple of months. If your mother would be interested, we were recruited by the St Pancras Clinic in the Barbican. They organise and pay for transport. She would need a study partner to be involved though.
Re background checks - I don't think there is a way of doing these as a private individual in the UK.
posted by paduasoy at 1:18 AM on August 1, 2024
Best answer: HomeshareUK.org: Homeshare enables two people to share a home for mutual benefit. Typically, an older person living in their own home with a room to spare will be carefully matched with a younger person who will provide an agreed amount of support in exchange for good quality, affordable accommodation.
HomeShare Living UK: "Matching older people who would like some companionship and practical support and have a spare room, with younger, vetted & compatible live-in Sharers seeking affordable accommodation. Shared living for mutual benefit. It’s a win-win."
A company; may require a fee: Share My Home: The affordable alternative to live-in support. "Share my Home" Homeshare is a national provider that matches older people with compatible companions for mutual benefits of shared living. The Companion pledges 10 to 15 hours of weekly home help and company, and in return, the older person provides them with a room and a place to call home. Kindness and connection are everything. Share my Home is committed to enabling older adults establish genuine friendships and a mutual sharing of home life with younger people who care. The founder, an Occupational Therapist, set up Share my Home to give older people an affordable and practical solution to remain living well at home. Share My Home live-in companions are "comprehensively vetted and interviewed, with police checks and professional references."
Other ideas:
— Have you broached this subject with the carers who visit? It's a big plus that they are already familiar to her.
— Extended network (your friends, her friends, family, long-time neighbors, her office-based medical team, someone from a familiar church or a similar social organization, etc.) with a person in need of an affordable (i.e. steeply discounted) rented room in London?
— Anyone you know (or in the group mentioned above) with a long daily commute, who might welcome staying in the city during the week?
— Nursing or other medical student, new practitioner, or someone in social work, understanding what the situation entails & taking the lodging at a greatly reduced rent? (Someone with this background who is living with your mom will be able to note changes in her daily abilities.
But London is so relentlessly expensive! Try asking people already in your orbit, and someone may know someone trustworthy for your mom's situation.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:06 PM on August 1, 2024 [2 favorites]
HomeShare Living UK: "Matching older people who would like some companionship and practical support and have a spare room, with younger, vetted & compatible live-in Sharers seeking affordable accommodation. Shared living for mutual benefit. It’s a win-win."
A company; may require a fee: Share My Home: The affordable alternative to live-in support. "Share my Home" Homeshare is a national provider that matches older people with compatible companions for mutual benefits of shared living. The Companion pledges 10 to 15 hours of weekly home help and company, and in return, the older person provides them with a room and a place to call home. Kindness and connection are everything. Share my Home is committed to enabling older adults establish genuine friendships and a mutual sharing of home life with younger people who care. The founder, an Occupational Therapist, set up Share my Home to give older people an affordable and practical solution to remain living well at home. Share My Home live-in companions are "comprehensively vetted and interviewed, with police checks and professional references."
Other ideas:
— Have you broached this subject with the carers who visit? It's a big plus that they are already familiar to her.
— Extended network (your friends, her friends, family, long-time neighbors, her office-based medical team, someone from a familiar church or a similar social organization, etc.) with a person in need of an affordable (i.e. steeply discounted) rented room in London?
— Anyone you know (or in the group mentioned above) with a long daily commute, who might welcome staying in the city during the week?
— Nursing or other medical student, new practitioner, or someone in social work, understanding what the situation entails & taking the lodging at a greatly reduced rent? (Someone with this background who is living with your mom will be able to note changes in her daily abilities.
But London is so relentlessly expensive! Try asking people already in your orbit, and someone may know someone trustworthy for your mom's situation.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:06 PM on August 1, 2024 [2 favorites]
Coming back to suggest Time for Dementia. This is a project where they send one to three medical students to visit a person with dementia, and their carer or family member, once a term. Idea is to get students used to talking to people with dementia, so it does provide social contact. It didn't work too well for us and I withdrew my father from the scheme, but some of that was specific to his circumstances. I think they are mostly on the south coast at the moment, so may not be feasible from London, but worth keeping an eye on as they are hoping to expand.
posted by paduasoy at 9:24 AM on August 17, 2024
posted by paduasoy at 9:24 AM on August 17, 2024
"They" being universities - realised that was on the uninformative side.
posted by paduasoy at 9:28 AM on August 17, 2024
posted by paduasoy at 9:28 AM on August 17, 2024
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Have you looked into community options such as Memory Cafes? I’m sure there are plenty of charities in London offering social things for people with alzheimers and dementia.
posted by Balthamos at 11:56 AM on July 31, 2024 [2 favorites]