Gift of money to friend
June 8, 2024 6:12 AM Subscribe
Is it impolite to Venmo a token amount of money, say, $50 to a friend who let me stay overnight at their place while I am in town?
Or what other ways can I show my appreciation? Gifts, ideas, etc ?
I will be writing a short thank u post it and leaving a few sundry food items.
They offered for me to stay without my asking and I accepted. They stayed over at their partner's place so I had the place to myself.
I am asking this because I don't want to seem like I'm flaunting that I have money and they don't. I have money to pay and they are recently unemployed.
I've also offered to loan them money when they were in a hard spot and that offer stands as long as I have my savings.
I'm torn because obviously this is out of their own friendship and kindness with no expectations of financial exchange.
The only other way I might feel better is if I sent them a gift later instead of money.
They are really depressed about life right now and I want to be a good friend but I also feel the awkwardness already of our different financial brackets. I paid for a latr night dinner last night and we split happy hour. Which I wanted to pay for but they insisted to split.
I also paid for drinks once.
They know I have money to help them out when needed. I feel like their ego might be bruised if I send them money.
I'm leaving them some tea and a few other small sundries as a thank u as well.
They offered for me to stay without my asking and I accepted. They stayed over at their partner's place so I had the place to myself.
I am asking this because I don't want to seem like I'm flaunting that I have money and they don't. I have money to pay and they are recently unemployed.
I've also offered to loan them money when they were in a hard spot and that offer stands as long as I have my savings.
I'm torn because obviously this is out of their own friendship and kindness with no expectations of financial exchange.
The only other way I might feel better is if I sent them a gift later instead of money.
They are really depressed about life right now and I want to be a good friend but I also feel the awkwardness already of our different financial brackets. I paid for a latr night dinner last night and we split happy hour. Which I wanted to pay for but they insisted to split.
I also paid for drinks once.
They know I have money to help them out when needed. I feel like their ego might be bruised if I send them money.
I'm leaving them some tea and a few other small sundries as a thank u as well.
They've already made it clear that they're uncomfortable with you paying for them just because you perceive that they need the money (i.e., Happy Hour), so Venmoing them some cash without further explanation is not really respectful.
If it's plausible, a little white lie can save face for them—something like, "You know, I was in town for work and my company gave me $100/night to spend on a hotel which I didn't use because I stayed at your place. I don't feel right keeping this money so I wanted to share it with you." If that doesn't fit, another approach could be, "I forgot to bring shampoo and conditioner so I was using yours all weekend... I know how expensive stuff like that can be so I sent you some cash to cover it!" The important thing to emphasize is that although the cash is transactional for some reason (company gave you a per diem, or you want to pay for their toiletries/groceries/etc), the kind gesture they did for you is not.
posted by telegraph at 6:22 AM on June 8 [7 favorites]
If it's plausible, a little white lie can save face for them—something like, "You know, I was in town for work and my company gave me $100/night to spend on a hotel which I didn't use because I stayed at your place. I don't feel right keeping this money so I wanted to share it with you." If that doesn't fit, another approach could be, "I forgot to bring shampoo and conditioner so I was using yours all weekend... I know how expensive stuff like that can be so I sent you some cash to cover it!" The important thing to emphasize is that although the cash is transactional for some reason (company gave you a per diem, or you want to pay for their toiletries/groceries/etc), the kind gesture they did for you is not.
posted by telegraph at 6:22 AM on June 8 [7 favorites]
Another perspective: at a time when I was at my unemployedest and brokest, it was a gift in itself when I was able to do something nice for anyone else in my life without it costing me any money. I felt so useless, and it made me feel good to feel like I was contributing to anything or anyone in any way. This might be where your friend is at.
A token thank you gift like the tea and dinner is lovely.
posted by phunniemee at 6:23 AM on June 8 [42 favorites]
A token thank you gift like the tea and dinner is lovely.
posted by phunniemee at 6:23 AM on June 8 [42 favorites]
Noo, don't do this. Do not talk about money, do not leave money. Money in a case like this takes a kind relational gesture and makes it something transactional. You don't need to send a gift later, either. Meet them on the level of (non-material) friendship in expressing your gratitude- if anything, bump up the post-it note to a nicer piece of stationery/very simple card.
Might be worth checking in with yourself about your own comfort level in receiving kindnesses, too; sometimes the strong urge to "pay someone back" is about our own discomfort in receiving or feeling indebted.
posted by wormtales at 6:25 AM on June 8 [10 favorites]
Might be worth checking in with yourself about your own comfort level in receiving kindnesses, too; sometimes the strong urge to "pay someone back" is about our own discomfort in receiving or feeling indebted.
posted by wormtales at 6:25 AM on June 8 [10 favorites]
They know I have money to help them out when needed. I feel like their ego might be bruised if I send them money.
Your intuition here has already given the answer. Accepting a gift from someone with grace is a skill in itself, and this is an opportunity to practice it. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about the class-bracket differences between the two of you right now, which they do not seem to share, and that's something I think you need to sit with and treat with whatever self-compassion you can muster.
What you're proposing to leave for them sounds appropriate to me—you don't need to do more.
posted by Kosh at 6:25 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
Your intuition here has already given the answer. Accepting a gift from someone with grace is a skill in itself, and this is an opportunity to practice it. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about the class-bracket differences between the two of you right now, which they do not seem to share, and that's something I think you need to sit with and treat with whatever self-compassion you can muster.
What you're proposing to leave for them sounds appropriate to me—you don't need to do more.
posted by Kosh at 6:25 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
Money isn’t appropriate. A good bottle of wine, a small gift basket of fruit or cheese, or a package of sweets along with the thank you note would be a better fit.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:46 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:46 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
A thank you note and a small food gift sounds perfect, especially if you bought them a meal already. Tidy up after yourself and strip the bed before you go unless you were asked to do otherwise, and you will have been an A+ houseguest.
posted by Stacey at 6:56 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 6:56 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
Yeah no, definitely do not Venmo money. It's not necessarily about "ego" either - as wormtales has explained well, for many people this would be turning a friendship, a sacred thing of mutual aid and care, into a cold transactional relationship.
Leaving some tea and sundries and taking them out to dinner plus a round of drinks is plenty. Do not send them an additional gift later. Do give them a call to see how they are doing.
posted by coffeecat at 6:59 AM on June 8 [6 favorites]
Leaving some tea and sundries and taking them out to dinner plus a round of drinks is plenty. Do not send them an additional gift later. Do give them a call to see how they are doing.
posted by coffeecat at 6:59 AM on June 8 [6 favorites]
Agreed with everyone else that little treats are better. If you think they're really going to be short on money, then think about what treat(s) they would have been most likely to buy themselves (to save them money), like nice coffee in a flavor they like. (I cut wine from my budget far earlier than coffee, but that might just be me!)
Alongside this more official Thank You note and gift, if you did laundry with their detergent, used a lot of their shampoo, or finished off the last of the dish soap, it might not be out of line to buy a modest (not super sized) replacement of one or these in the spirit of not wanting to be a rude guest. Another idea: will you cook or use the fridge while there? You could buy a dozen eggs or six-pack of something that you both like, then only use some of it.
But don't go overboard. You're kind to think of this, but if they're depressed, they could easily take things the wrong way, so heed your instinct that doing too much could bruise their ego. Focus on your friendship and the authentic connection that you two have. A true friend who respects you and knows that your hard times are temporary, who doesn't look down on you for having a different budget than they do, is worth far more than money.
posted by slidell at 7:52 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
Alongside this more official Thank You note and gift, if you did laundry with their detergent, used a lot of their shampoo, or finished off the last of the dish soap, it might not be out of line to buy a modest (not super sized) replacement of one or these in the spirit of not wanting to be a rude guest. Another idea: will you cook or use the fridge while there? You could buy a dozen eggs or six-pack of something that you both like, then only use some of it.
But don't go overboard. You're kind to think of this, but if they're depressed, they could easily take things the wrong way, so heed your instinct that doing too much could bruise their ego. Focus on your friendship and the authentic connection that you two have. A true friend who respects you and knows that your hard times are temporary, who doesn't look down on you for having a different budget than they do, is worth far more than money.
posted by slidell at 7:52 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
I think it's awkward. When I've been jobless, a gift card to a restaurant is a really nice gift, allowing a splurge. And a not saying how much nicer it was than a hotel, and how you appreciated their generosity.
posted by theora55 at 8:26 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 8:26 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]
Venmo is weird, but cash is not. Or rather: cash is weird to give as a gift, but it will be laughingly received if it is delivered in the spirit of your gift. “To Friend, thank you for the lovely trip, please take partner out to (Bar You Visited) on me!” We have given and received small amounts of cash in this manner after staying with friends and it’s always been totally fine if silly.
posted by samthemander at 8:34 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 8:34 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
Buying someone dinner is generally an appropriate level of acknowledgement of a short visit. If they wouldn't split drinks, I think that tells you that they're not comfortable with more.
Make sure to leave the place extra clean to minimize the work involved in your stay and if you know of any little treats that they like, leaving those might be nice. On the "box of chocolates" tier, not the "crate of favorite wine" tier. And a nice note! People have persuaded themselves (because they are work) that other people don't care about more formal acknowledgements of kindnesses and so they are less expected than in days past, but you will rarely go wrong leaving a written thank-you.
posted by praemunire at 8:39 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]
Make sure to leave the place extra clean to minimize the work involved in your stay and if you know of any little treats that they like, leaving those might be nice. On the "box of chocolates" tier, not the "crate of favorite wine" tier. And a nice note! People have persuaded themselves (because they are work) that other people don't care about more formal acknowledgements of kindnesses and so they are less expected than in days past, but you will rarely go wrong leaving a written thank-you.
posted by praemunire at 8:39 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]
Money will make hospitality transactional in a way that runs counter to friendship in many cultures and for many people. I think food / bottle of wine / "nice" chocolate is generally a good "exchange" for hospitality. Can you send something like that?
posted by virve at 10:35 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]
posted by virve at 10:35 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]
Came in to say what theora55/did - a restaurant gift card and thank you note would be lovely.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:42 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:42 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
I go against the grain of nice gifts because they are unemployed. Money or food you can eat or stuff you can use goes a lot further than flowers or wine when you have rent to pay. I say leave them some dollar amount directly, or material goods you know they will use. I also feel bad about leaving money so I would leave a note saying "Oh no, I used a bunch of your toiletries and ate a bunch of your snacks! So sorry!" Then include either a bag of brands/items they use (exactly what they have: a whole new bottle of conditioner, new box of crackers, new jar of peanut butter, new bag of doritos, new box of kleenex) or a gift card to a store nearby that sells such things.
posted by holyrood at 7:05 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]
posted by holyrood at 7:05 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]
In a similar situation, I left a £20 note with a note saying "I see the electricity meter is showing some alarming numbers so here's a contribution to power use!". It was true, but it turned out their meter also showed the landlord's usage. No regrets though. I also left wine, cheese and chocolate in the cupboards.
posted by altolinguistic at 2:50 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]
posted by altolinguistic at 2:50 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]
I'd also definitely lean towards a consumable gift instead of money, is there still time to sneak a pint of nicer ice cream into their freezer?
posted by I paid money to offer this... insight? at 4:10 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]
posted by I paid money to offer this... insight? at 4:10 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]
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Instead, I would maybe pick up a nice bottle of wine during your visit (or whatever other consumable is appropriate, if they don't drink) and leave it with the tea and food items.
posted by Klipspringer at 6:19 AM on June 8 [12 favorites]