Anxiety
April 8, 2024 5:27 PM Subscribe
Wondering how to prevent someone else's from becoming yours when you're taking care of ALL of their stuff (out of necessity).
I'm taking care of my grandmother right now, she broke her dominant arm and leg and needs help with nearly everything right now since she can't get out of bed on her own and can't walk at all for another month. We both have always had anxiety, hers worse than mine. Understandably, hers is really high right now and it's all latching onto her dogs. EVERYTHING to do with her dogs is important enough that it needs to be addressed immediately (unless I'm working (from home) thank goodness)! One of them in particular had surgery right before she fell and will not stop picking at his leg (the picking is the reason he needed surgery in the first place from what I understand). We have tried SO MANY different things for him and none of them have been a long term help.
I'm exhausted and I feel like I don't even know how to differentiate between what's important and what I need to draw the line on anymore. Her anxiety is a black hole that I could literally put all of my energy into and not resolve, but at the same time I really get sucked in and just want to resolve everything for her. Some of the things are bigger and more time consuming but seem more important (like the dogs leg). Some of them are like "seriously, you called me in here to pick a carrot up off the floor that you gave a dog because the other one walked in and they COULD fight (when they literally have never fought)", but at that point isn't it kind of a dick move to not just pick up the carrot? And where does it end if you do pick up all the "carrots"? Let me know if you have any ideas about any of this.
I'm taking care of my grandmother right now, she broke her dominant arm and leg and needs help with nearly everything right now since she can't get out of bed on her own and can't walk at all for another month. We both have always had anxiety, hers worse than mine. Understandably, hers is really high right now and it's all latching onto her dogs. EVERYTHING to do with her dogs is important enough that it needs to be addressed immediately (unless I'm working (from home) thank goodness)! One of them in particular had surgery right before she fell and will not stop picking at his leg (the picking is the reason he needed surgery in the first place from what I understand). We have tried SO MANY different things for him and none of them have been a long term help.
I'm exhausted and I feel like I don't even know how to differentiate between what's important and what I need to draw the line on anymore. Her anxiety is a black hole that I could literally put all of my energy into and not resolve, but at the same time I really get sucked in and just want to resolve everything for her. Some of the things are bigger and more time consuming but seem more important (like the dogs leg). Some of them are like "seriously, you called me in here to pick a carrot up off the floor that you gave a dog because the other one walked in and they COULD fight (when they literally have never fought)", but at that point isn't it kind of a dick move to not just pick up the carrot? And where does it end if you do pick up all the "carrots"? Let me know if you have any ideas about any of this.
My mom and I get into anxiety spirals like this sometimes, it's not fun. This almost happened when my mom broke her foot last year, but we talked through it before I flew out and came up with a plan which made it easier. Here's some thoughts that might help:
There is no possible way to solve the problem of "your grandmother's anxiety" because it is a black hole like you say. Anxiety is also good at taking a bunch of smaller problems and turning it into one massive unsolvable problem, so the brain is going to keep trying to solve the black hole unless you stop it. One of the ways to deal with this is to very specifically separate out the problems using priority lists, and then triage things. This will feel very heartless and clinical, but that is the entire point.
One version of a priority list for your situation would be something like:
1. Help grandmother with any critical health problems
2. Help dogs with critical health problems
3. Work from home
4. Help grandmother with important chores (buying food etc)
5. Talk with grandmother (and do helpful things) to help her anxiety
6. Help grandmother with chornic/preexistng health problems
7. Deal with own anxiety/energy issues
8. Help dogs with chronic issues
This is just an example and you would prioritize it how you want to. But I would guess that dealing with the dogs chronic issues will end up fairly low, because you already said you'd tried all the obvious things. So, that means you should only try to deal with the chronic dog issues if you think it will help your grandmother (or you have time/energy for low priority things). You wouldn't pick up the carrot to help the dogs, but you could decide to pick up the carrot to make your grandmother feel less anxious as that is a medium-priority thing.
There are still some tricky questions (will picking up the carrot actually make your grandmother less anxious, or would she immediately find something else to be equally anxious about?), but the priority list can help with the "omg what do I do next" feeling that often comes up in these situations. I find the structure of a triage list to be very helpful when I am overwhelmed in situations like this
posted by JZig at 12:01 AM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
There is no possible way to solve the problem of "your grandmother's anxiety" because it is a black hole like you say. Anxiety is also good at taking a bunch of smaller problems and turning it into one massive unsolvable problem, so the brain is going to keep trying to solve the black hole unless you stop it. One of the ways to deal with this is to very specifically separate out the problems using priority lists, and then triage things. This will feel very heartless and clinical, but that is the entire point.
One version of a priority list for your situation would be something like:
1. Help grandmother with any critical health problems
2. Help dogs with critical health problems
3. Work from home
4. Help grandmother with important chores (buying food etc)
5. Talk with grandmother (and do helpful things) to help her anxiety
6. Help grandmother with chornic/preexistng health problems
7. Deal with own anxiety/energy issues
8. Help dogs with chronic issues
This is just an example and you would prioritize it how you want to. But I would guess that dealing with the dogs chronic issues will end up fairly low, because you already said you'd tried all the obvious things. So, that means you should only try to deal with the chronic dog issues if you think it will help your grandmother (or you have time/energy for low priority things). You wouldn't pick up the carrot to help the dogs, but you could decide to pick up the carrot to make your grandmother feel less anxious as that is a medium-priority thing.
There are still some tricky questions (will picking up the carrot actually make your grandmother less anxious, or would she immediately find something else to be equally anxious about?), but the priority list can help with the "omg what do I do next" feeling that often comes up in these situations. I find the structure of a triage list to be very helpful when I am overwhelmed in situations like this
posted by JZig at 12:01 AM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have been pondering this question. While not a clear answer, I wonder if it would help to divide up potential responses and strategies into categories and think about them that way.
For example:
- having a general conversation about this dynamic with her
- responding verbally differently in the moment of these requests
- taking different actions when receiving requests
- allocating your time differently, like being out of the house at set times
- being available differently when out of the house - e.g. shortening phone calls or not taking them at certain times
- getting someone else to be available to help with requests, whether helping her reach out to her acquaintances, or hiring help
- helping her to acquire other mobility devices or options - like if you can get a grabby arm extension thing or something for the carrot on floor situation
- making appointments or arrangements on her behalf, like with the vet
- taking on delegated responsibility for something, with less input from her on the details
- leaving something entirely in her control, without getting involved in coordinating
- setting boundaries around a given type of conversation or subject (declining to talk about it outright, or doing a 'grey rock' on that subject and not engaging substantively), either all the time, or setting limits on how often you will talk about something
- thinking differently in various ways (hard) - but perhaps feasible to reframe your involvement as being something you choose but are not obligated to do rather than seeing yourself as obligated to help in certain ways
- seeking other help for yourself in dealing with this increased anxiety
Perhaps you can build up a "menu" or sorts of strategies you want to use to deal with individual situations or the situation as a whole, and develop that plan in the context of understanding how your own anxiety and mental health are being affected.
Lastly, I would keep in mind that, in my experience, the nature of generalized anxiety is to attach itself to anything in the vicinity that can be characterized as a problem. Once problems are solved, new problems will pop up. Scrambling to solve the problems that anxiety is demanding be solved does not help me alleviate the anxiety. I found the book Unwinding Anxiety helpful in understanding anxiety as a habit that perhaps cannot really be addressed by thinking harder about it, but rather can be seen as akin to other habits a person might want to break. This is all easier said than done. But understanding the anxiety differently might help contextualize some of the thinking patterns that are popping up and causing distress for you.
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:06 PM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
For example:
- having a general conversation about this dynamic with her
- responding verbally differently in the moment of these requests
- taking different actions when receiving requests
- allocating your time differently, like being out of the house at set times
- being available differently when out of the house - e.g. shortening phone calls or not taking them at certain times
- getting someone else to be available to help with requests, whether helping her reach out to her acquaintances, or hiring help
- helping her to acquire other mobility devices or options - like if you can get a grabby arm extension thing or something for the carrot on floor situation
- making appointments or arrangements on her behalf, like with the vet
- taking on delegated responsibility for something, with less input from her on the details
- leaving something entirely in her control, without getting involved in coordinating
- setting boundaries around a given type of conversation or subject (declining to talk about it outright, or doing a 'grey rock' on that subject and not engaging substantively), either all the time, or setting limits on how often you will talk about something
- thinking differently in various ways (hard) - but perhaps feasible to reframe your involvement as being something you choose but are not obligated to do rather than seeing yourself as obligated to help in certain ways
- seeking other help for yourself in dealing with this increased anxiety
Perhaps you can build up a "menu" or sorts of strategies you want to use to deal with individual situations or the situation as a whole, and develop that plan in the context of understanding how your own anxiety and mental health are being affected.
Lastly, I would keep in mind that, in my experience, the nature of generalized anxiety is to attach itself to anything in the vicinity that can be characterized as a problem. Once problems are solved, new problems will pop up. Scrambling to solve the problems that anxiety is demanding be solved does not help me alleviate the anxiety. I found the book Unwinding Anxiety helpful in understanding anxiety as a habit that perhaps cannot really be addressed by thinking harder about it, but rather can be seen as akin to other habits a person might want to break. This is all easier said than done. But understanding the anxiety differently might help contextualize some of the thinking patterns that are popping up and causing distress for you.
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:06 PM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
Triage, call the vet, but also: get additional support for your grandmother. If you are in the US and she's on Medicare, injuries like these (not being able to get up for a month!) = covered in-home health support.
You are taking excellent care of her, and also have a day job. I imagine she's feeling very vulnerable right now, and all these "carrot" calls are part of her anxiety: it's not about anticipating dog fights, it's about making regular checks that you can, and will, come to her aid quickly when she calls for you? Just having another person nearby may lessen anxiety for her (& you, too). Contact her doctor's office, and/or the hospital that treated her leg & arm, to talk about in-home support services (home health aide, visiting nurse; eventually, p/t sessions). Stress that you're employed and she that needs more assistance throughout the day.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:00 PM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
You are taking excellent care of her, and also have a day job. I imagine she's feeling very vulnerable right now, and all these "carrot" calls are part of her anxiety: it's not about anticipating dog fights, it's about making regular checks that you can, and will, come to her aid quickly when she calls for you? Just having another person nearby may lessen anxiety for her (& you, too). Contact her doctor's office, and/or the hospital that treated her leg & arm, to talk about in-home support services (home health aide, visiting nurse; eventually, p/t sessions). Stress that you're employed and she that needs more assistance throughout the day.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:00 PM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
What Iris Gambol said about checking that you'll come is a great insight and fits my own intuition: can you check in on her proactively more often? The same way that the emotional fix to someone lonely who is anxiously calling you all the time is to say, "I'll call you on Tuesday" and then do it, can you either set a schedule or occasionally surprise her with "hey Grandma, how are you doing? I wanted to see if you could use any more X and how you're feeling."
If she feels taken care of and protected when there ISN'T an emergency, that can take the edge off the (subconscious) need to manufacture an emergency to get your attention.
posted by Lady Li at 3:24 PM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
If she feels taken care of and protected when there ISN'T an emergency, that can take the edge off the (subconscious) need to manufacture an emergency to get your attention.
posted by Lady Li at 3:24 PM on April 9, 2024 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, I took something from each of these answers. Especially appreciated the perspective shift on different ways to do things offered by lookoutbelow.
posted by Eyelash at 4:24 AM on April 10, 2024
posted by Eyelash at 4:24 AM on April 10, 2024
Best answer: I've helped my grandmother and later, my mom. Apologies if this is too specific. Talking to your grandmother about being overwhelmed and needing her help with it would be what I suggest. She's stuck in bed and can't do much but worry right now. Ask her to rank how serious/time sensitive her requests are and if they can be put off until you can do a few at once so you're not always running back and forth.
Sit with her and come up with ideas for things she can do, instead of being stuck worrying. If you have a tablet, she could read e-books, surf the web and play some games one handed. My mom uses pogo.com. There's a free version but it has ads. There are games that aren't timed. Hidden puzzles and logic games are faves. If you can face her bed towards a window, a bird feeder is a surprising world of drama. There's mock attacks, complaining, males bringing seed to their mates. A radio and TV are good options. Ask her to help to decide what to eat. Anything to keep her mind from dwelling on what could go wrong.
If possible, get a paid caregiver, friends or family to stay one or two days a week so you have some time off. You'll get burn out if you try to do everything yourself. If there are other relatives, really push for them to commit to 3-4 hours a week. People are bad about thinking someone else is taking care of grandma so they don't need to. You've taken on a big responsibility. Ask for help. Best of luck to you.
posted by stray thoughts at 2:37 PM on April 11, 2024 [1 favorite]
Sit with her and come up with ideas for things she can do, instead of being stuck worrying. If you have a tablet, she could read e-books, surf the web and play some games one handed. My mom uses pogo.com. There's a free version but it has ads. There are games that aren't timed. Hidden puzzles and logic games are faves. If you can face her bed towards a window, a bird feeder is a surprising world of drama. There's mock attacks, complaining, males bringing seed to their mates. A radio and TV are good options. Ask her to help to decide what to eat. Anything to keep her mind from dwelling on what could go wrong.
If possible, get a paid caregiver, friends or family to stay one or two days a week so you have some time off. You'll get burn out if you try to do everything yourself. If there are other relatives, really push for them to commit to 3-4 hours a week. People are bad about thinking someone else is taking care of grandma so they don't need to. You've taken on a big responsibility. Ask for help. Best of luck to you.
posted by stray thoughts at 2:37 PM on April 11, 2024 [1 favorite]
Popped back in to say a wedge pillow is really nice for reading or using a tablet if you're stuck in bed. It takes the strain off your back better than pillows.
posted by stray thoughts at 12:41 AM on April 15, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by stray thoughts at 12:41 AM on April 15, 2024 [1 favorite]
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Once dog is addressed, move on to whatever Grandma thinks is next. She is the one whose anxiety is raging and imposing the anxiety on you/others. Course of least resistance is to ask her what order to take things in. Little things like dropped object or dropped food, clean up as you can but make a sweep at the end of the day like in the movie West World form Yul Brenner days.
Sounds like you are so tired that you cannot think straight. The only cure for that is sleep, rest, and a plan. Frankly, it sounds to me as if the best you can do is mitigate not eliminate.
Lastly, my grandmother used to say, "Johnny, this too shall pass."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:56 PM on April 8, 2024 [1 favorite]