How do you politely reign in a chatterbox?
February 14, 2024 12:47 PM Subscribe
I am going to be leading weekly meetings of a service club for the next year, and the group includes an extroverted person who is prone to dominating conversations and accidentally taking credit for other people's work and ideas. I want to try to improve the group dynamic, but this person does not pick up on subtle social cues. I will thus need to be direct.
Do you have any phrases to suggest for keeping this type of person in check and helping to give credit where credit is due? Do adults tend to embrace things like a nerf ball for the speaker, or is that too childish? Strategies that can be used to acknowledge good work that was previously glossed over might also be helpful. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
The best tool I have seen is to go around the circle and give each person the same amount of time to speak on a given topic. Literally with a timer if needed. Only when each person has had their ~60 seconds does open conversation begin, if needed.
posted by amaire at 12:56 PM on February 14, 2024 [9 favorites]
posted by amaire at 12:56 PM on February 14, 2024 [9 favorites]
I would take chatterbox aside before a meeting and say "I appreciate that you have a lot of enthusiasm for our discussions, but we're really trying to get everyone's perspectives, so I'm asking you to be mindful of the amount of time you spend speaking compared to everyone else."
It also would be a good idea to clearly state the ground rules for everyone at the start.
When someone other than chatterbox makes a good point, jump in to reinforce "that was a good point."
posted by adamrice at 1:15 PM on February 14, 2024 [18 favorites]
It also would be a good idea to clearly state the ground rules for everyone at the start.
When someone other than chatterbox makes a good point, jump in to reinforce "that was a good point."
posted by adamrice at 1:15 PM on February 14, 2024 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Im not sure what you need to cover in your meetings so this may be more or less helpful in your setting.
I manage some of this dynamic by sending agendas ahead of time with clear agenda items, a time frame per item, and a person prepped to lead each one, as needed. I try to put as many different names on agendas as possible, to give the floor to others and acknowledge their work. This also can help reduce dominant voices. I also will take a dominant voice aside, if necessary and let them know we want to make sure everyone has room to talk and request that they pull back.
To try to prevent the credit stealing or glossing over, I also like to acknowledge people in writing. With an emailed agenda, I might write something to try to capture successes and effort like: It has been a busy week since our last meeting. Many thanks to Kori and Aisha for completing the final interviews and Richard for troubleshooting the X project.
posted by fies at 1:18 PM on February 14, 2024 [8 favorites]
I manage some of this dynamic by sending agendas ahead of time with clear agenda items, a time frame per item, and a person prepped to lead each one, as needed. I try to put as many different names on agendas as possible, to give the floor to others and acknowledge their work. This also can help reduce dominant voices. I also will take a dominant voice aside, if necessary and let them know we want to make sure everyone has room to talk and request that they pull back.
To try to prevent the credit stealing or glossing over, I also like to acknowledge people in writing. With an emailed agenda, I might write something to try to capture successes and effort like: It has been a busy week since our last meeting. Many thanks to Kori and Aisha for completing the final interviews and Richard for troubleshooting the X project.
posted by fies at 1:18 PM on February 14, 2024 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I participated in an event series where our meetings had not one leader but four leaders, each of whom did one specific thing.
Facilitator (meeting content)
Gatekeeper (who is speaking too much or too little?)
Timekeeper
Notetaker
Here is a list of responsibilities for each.
Consider delegating one, two, or three of these responsibilities to someone else so you can concentrate on the bit you are best suited to. And then the gatekeeper person can have an easier time focusing on helping EVERYONE speak an appropriate amount.
posted by brainwane at 1:31 PM on February 14, 2024 [17 favorites]
Facilitator (meeting content)
Gatekeeper (who is speaking too much or too little?)
Timekeeper
Notetaker
Here is a list of responsibilities for each.
Consider delegating one, two, or three of these responsibilities to someone else so you can concentrate on the bit you are best suited to. And then the gatekeeper person can have an easier time focusing on helping EVERYONE speak an appropriate amount.
posted by brainwane at 1:31 PM on February 14, 2024 [17 favorites]
I’ve been in meetings both for work and clubs that had a portion structured around each person getting x time to give updates or feedback (like 2-3 minutes) with zero interruption allowed. Depending on the nature of the meeting it can be very useful.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:59 PM on February 14, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:59 PM on February 14, 2024 [1 favorite]
Manager Tools has some pretty good advice on navigating personality type conflicts, and this kind of question seems extremely in their wheelhouse. Their general strategy is to reason about social situations using loose personality profiles (DISC). Meetings and High I's covers their advice but it's more directed to the extrovert than the meeting organizer:
- taking the agenda monitor role
- use a notebook and take notes, especially about any assigned deliverables, but also to capture spontaneous ideas without disrupting conversations
- share stories after decisions are made (?)
- socialize before and after the meeting, not during
The challenge here is probably getting the extrovert to want to change, when it sounds like you have no role power other than being delegated a meeting to run. Directly telling them to shut up and listen will likely erode any goodwill between you two. One thing I do is put a 5m welcome agenda item before the "real" meeting starts to give folks an outlet (or a bio break, if useful).
posted by pwnguin at 4:15 PM on February 14, 2024
- taking the agenda monitor role
- use a notebook and take notes, especially about any assigned deliverables, but also to capture spontaneous ideas without disrupting conversations
- share stories after decisions are made (?)
- socialize before and after the meeting, not during
The challenge here is probably getting the extrovert to want to change, when it sounds like you have no role power other than being delegated a meeting to run. Directly telling them to shut up and listen will likely erode any goodwill between you two. One thing I do is put a 5m welcome agenda item before the "real" meeting starts to give folks an outlet (or a bio break, if useful).
posted by pwnguin at 4:15 PM on February 14, 2024
Best answer: There are some good suggestions above.
As someone who has run a lot of meetings from six to sixty people with various chatterboxes, sometimes the best moderator skill is to be unafraid of talking over the chatterbox and saying, "Thank you, CB for what you said. Is there anyone else who would like to talk/has any ideas / has considerations about what we have talked about." You will have to talk over them, because if they picked up on social cues to stop/sum up, they wouldn't be the chatterbox.
As the moderator, it feels rude and it's out of social rules to talk over someone and ask for someone different to talk. But if you don't, you lose the rest of your audience and their commitment to the group task. I've seen multi-meeting large groups dwindle over time to just the chatterbox and one-two other people who are too bored or polite to stop showing up.
You only do the interruption with a chatter box after they've had 30 seconds to a minute to speak. If they harsh you for interrupting them, the response is, "We are trying to hear from everyone and there may be others who haven't spoken."
YMMV, but for 30 years, people have been asking me to be the moderator because, "He keeps things focused, on-task and gives everyone a chance to participate."
posted by ITravelMontana at 4:17 PM on February 14, 2024 [13 favorites]
As someone who has run a lot of meetings from six to sixty people with various chatterboxes, sometimes the best moderator skill is to be unafraid of talking over the chatterbox and saying, "Thank you, CB for what you said. Is there anyone else who would like to talk/has any ideas / has considerations about what we have talked about." You will have to talk over them, because if they picked up on social cues to stop/sum up, they wouldn't be the chatterbox.
As the moderator, it feels rude and it's out of social rules to talk over someone and ask for someone different to talk. But if you don't, you lose the rest of your audience and their commitment to the group task. I've seen multi-meeting large groups dwindle over time to just the chatterbox and one-two other people who are too bored or polite to stop showing up.
You only do the interruption with a chatter box after they've had 30 seconds to a minute to speak. If they harsh you for interrupting them, the response is, "We are trying to hear from everyone and there may be others who haven't spoken."
YMMV, but for 30 years, people have been asking me to be the moderator because, "He keeps things focused, on-task and gives everyone a chance to participate."
posted by ITravelMontana at 4:17 PM on February 14, 2024 [13 favorites]
I participated in an event series where our meetings had not one leader but four leaders, each of whom did one specific thing.
Facilitator (meeting content)
Gatekeeper (who is speaking too much or too little?)
Timekeeper
Notetaker
in my head I am gleefully assigning this person (for many different values of this person, as they are legion) the job of note taking from now until eternity
posted by deludingmyself at 4:19 PM on February 14, 2024 [6 favorites]
Facilitator (meeting content)
Gatekeeper (who is speaking too much or too little?)
Timekeeper
Notetaker
in my head I am gleefully assigning this person (for many different values of this person, as they are legion) the job of note taking from now until eternity
posted by deludingmyself at 4:19 PM on February 14, 2024 [6 favorites]
It helps to think about why and when the person is talking so much, because strategies might be different. If someone is jumping in to answer every question, then explicitly soliciting feedback from quieter people can be helpful. ("Let's hear from people who haven't spoken yet/said much yet," or "Let's hear from people who disagree.") If they're talking a lot because they're repeating themselves, then sometimes paraphrasing can be helpful as a way of assuring them they were heard. ("So you're saying that you have concerns about X, Y, and Z, is that right?") If they're talking a lot because they're jumping around during a single comment, then redirecting can help. ("Let's stay focused on X for right now. I hear that you're worried about particular thing Z. What do others have to say?")
You can also introduce strategies for giving more introverted/internal/quiet people time to think and gather their thoughts before anyone shares, like asking people to take three minutes to jot down their own thinking before anyone answers out loud. I really appreciate this as a participant. (I've found it hard to enforce sometimes as a facilitator with people who are used to thinking out loud, so it takes some boundary-setting to introduce, sometimes.) Timed shares, as others have said, can also help. And you can combine those two strategies, too!
posted by lapis at 4:26 PM on February 14, 2024 [4 favorites]
You can also introduce strategies for giving more introverted/internal/quiet people time to think and gather their thoughts before anyone shares, like asking people to take three minutes to jot down their own thinking before anyone answers out loud. I really appreciate this as a participant. (I've found it hard to enforce sometimes as a facilitator with people who are used to thinking out loud, so it takes some boundary-setting to introduce, sometimes.) Timed shares, as others have said, can also help. And you can combine those two strategies, too!
posted by lapis at 4:26 PM on February 14, 2024 [4 favorites]
CB=Chatterbox
After CB has been going on and on and taking credit:"[after a gentle interruption] Love your enthusiasm CB and you definitely have a lot of knowledge on this subject but I'd love to get some other people's input as well. Before moving on, I also want to acknowledge the work that XX contributed to the idea that CB is talking about, thanks XX!"
Basically:
1) politely interrupt to stop the rambling and then give them some kind of validation
2) within that validation make it explicit that other people need to talk
3) and call out the people that deserve the credit
Rinse and repeat. If the problem persists, have a direct private convo about it.
posted by greta simone at 6:00 PM on February 14, 2024 [8 favorites]
After CB has been going on and on and taking credit:"[after a gentle interruption] Love your enthusiasm CB and you definitely have a lot of knowledge on this subject but I'd love to get some other people's input as well. Before moving on, I also want to acknowledge the work that XX contributed to the idea that CB is talking about, thanks XX!"
Basically:
1) politely interrupt to stop the rambling and then give them some kind of validation
2) within that validation make it explicit that other people need to talk
3) and call out the people that deserve the credit
Rinse and repeat. If the problem persists, have a direct private convo about it.
posted by greta simone at 6:00 PM on February 14, 2024 [8 favorites]
If your group meets in a circle, consider whether eye contact from you is inadvertently giving chatterbox the signal to continue. If this is a concern, you can consider stationing yourself next to chatterbox - and this means you can also be more subtle in cues for them to make space for others.
posted by Cheese Monster at 11:20 PM on February 14, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by Cheese Monster at 11:20 PM on February 14, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Definitely some good suggestions here. The phrase I usually hear in this type of situation is: "[name of chatterbox to get their attention], thank you, let's move on (to be mindful of the time available/to hear everyone's thoughts/whatever you feel is appropriate)".
But if this is an in-person meeting (as opposed to a virtual one, where you can just mute the person), be prepared for the chatterbox to just keep talking while you're saying "Yes, thank you, let's move on". You might have to get a little agressive (in your mind! but remember, this is to a person who doesn't read social cues well, so it might be just subtle to them). Be prepared to physically indicate (both to the chatterbox and to everyone else) that you're stopping the chatterbox from taking over - eg. raise your hand (in the "talk to the hand" position), move your body as if to stand, etc.
Remember that this is a meeting and not a dinner party or other social situation. You as the leader of the meeting have a specific job there, and it's not to not hurt anyone's feelings. It is to have productive meetings. (I mean, please correct me if the meetings are just for the purpose of being social, and in that case, disregard my advice.)
posted by gakiko at 2:37 AM on February 15, 2024 [2 favorites]
But if this is an in-person meeting (as opposed to a virtual one, where you can just mute the person), be prepared for the chatterbox to just keep talking while you're saying "Yes, thank you, let's move on". You might have to get a little agressive (in your mind! but remember, this is to a person who doesn't read social cues well, so it might be just subtle to them). Be prepared to physically indicate (both to the chatterbox and to everyone else) that you're stopping the chatterbox from taking over - eg. raise your hand (in the "talk to the hand" position), move your body as if to stand, etc.
Remember that this is a meeting and not a dinner party or other social situation. You as the leader of the meeting have a specific job there, and it's not to not hurt anyone's feelings. It is to have productive meetings. (I mean, please correct me if the meetings are just for the purpose of being social, and in that case, disregard my advice.)
posted by gakiko at 2:37 AM on February 15, 2024 [2 favorites]
If you have a channel to talk to them directly, you might try soliciting them as an ally in the job of hearing everyone's opinions. Let them facilitate a meeting. I've known a couple folks who had a sharp turn when they realized the point of the meeting was not "share the right info / reach the right answer" but rather "get everyone's thoughts and make sure you understand whether the whole team is on the same page" - people-oriented rather than content-oriented. Asking them to help facilitate can help them use that energy in service of getting others to speak.
posted by Lady Li at 8:29 AM on February 15, 2024
posted by Lady Li at 8:29 AM on February 15, 2024
> accidentally taking credit for other people's work and ideas.
How is it possible to take credit for other people's work "accidentally"?
posted by MiraK at 9:58 AM on February 15, 2024
How is it possible to take credit for other people's work "accidentally"?
posted by MiraK at 9:58 AM on February 15, 2024
Best answer: My therapist said something to me recently about a very different situation: folks with soft boundaries need firm, clear statements. Which is to say, for your current situation: folks who are chatterboxes (ahem) may need, and often don't mind, direct, kind interruptions.
What I would not do: come up with a whole series of rules and processes and guidelines that is really a way of managing one specific person. It's incredibly burdensome and a round-about way of attempting to avoid directness and what feels like conflict. The chatterbox may have no idea why these rules were created. Don't create a structure to avoid conversation or facilitation.
I'd also put aside the idea of "politeness," because that sometimes gets in the realm of ask vs tell culture. It's not impolite to manage a meeting.
It seems like you are starting from a place of giving this person the benefit of the doubt and being generous in your assessment--they are chatty--which is good. I think the next step is to get some comfort in meeting facilitation. You've gotten a lot of good ideas for ways to do this. I'd try lines like this (with a smile or at least neutral look on your face):
"I'm going to jump in here..."
"Thanks so much, let's move on to so-and-so..."
"Hey, I'm going to interrupt and redirect us to blah blah blah"
posted by bluedaisy at 12:59 PM on February 15, 2024 [5 favorites]
What I would not do: come up with a whole series of rules and processes and guidelines that is really a way of managing one specific person. It's incredibly burdensome and a round-about way of attempting to avoid directness and what feels like conflict. The chatterbox may have no idea why these rules were created. Don't create a structure to avoid conversation or facilitation.
I'd also put aside the idea of "politeness," because that sometimes gets in the realm of ask vs tell culture. It's not impolite to manage a meeting.
It seems like you are starting from a place of giving this person the benefit of the doubt and being generous in your assessment--they are chatty--which is good. I think the next step is to get some comfort in meeting facilitation. You've gotten a lot of good ideas for ways to do this. I'd try lines like this (with a smile or at least neutral look on your face):
"I'm going to jump in here..."
"Thanks so much, let's move on to so-and-so..."
"Hey, I'm going to interrupt and redirect us to blah blah blah"
posted by bluedaisy at 12:59 PM on February 15, 2024 [5 favorites]
Strong second to lapis’ suggestion of adding group writing exercises to your facilitation mix.
For example, if the group is having a brainstorming session, consider passing out post-it notes and having folks write up as many ideas as they can in, say, 5 minutes, adding their initials to each note (harder to take credit for someone else’s idea when their ideas are right there in writing!).
Take all the post-its up to a wall (big post-it pads adhere to most walls, and can provide a good surface for organizing participants’ notes). You could:
- have everyone put their notes up and then have a silent “gallery walk”, where the group reads all the ideas together in silence, before beginning discussion (you can give participants a number of “gold star” stickers for voting on their favorite ideas, too, as a non-discussion alternative to gauging support)
- have everyone put their notes up and then facilitate… a clustering exercise by asking if some ideas are like others, a constraints exercise by asking what solutions are more feasible than others (clustering more-feasible ideas in one position, less-feasible in another), etc.
- ask folks to bring up their post-its and choose their favorite ideas - add them to the wall one-by-one, pausing to see if anyone else had similar ideas, clustering by similarity that way (to ensure that you pseudo-randomize the order of people putting up their ideas, deal everyone a number card from a shuffled deck that you bring to every meeting)
- use grids or gradients - more-feasible ideas on the right, moonshots on the left - quicker action steps at the top, longer-term solutions at the bottom - more-expensive/less-expensive, etc.
You could also:
- have everyone pass their favorite idea to the left, and go around arguing the merits of their neighbor’s best idea
- pair-share, partnering folks together to break out and talk for a few minutes to…. decide on the pair’s favorite idea to present to the group, have each person present on their partner’s strongest idea, etc.
- give everyone “two cents” at the beginning of the meeting (index cards, plastic tokens, old coins) - each time a person wants to contribute to the discussion, they throw a “cent” into the center of the table: once your two cents are spent, you don’t get to speak again until everyone’s two cents are spent
A lot of these techniques are meant to strengthen participants’ abilities in other ways - to evaluate ideas based on specific criteria like feasibility; to engage both critically and supportively with colleagues’ ideas; to prioritize (a major issue for chatterboxes and others whose ideas and/or enthusiasm so runneth over that we just SAY things without applying editorial restraint). Trying some new facilitation styles could both address the chatterbox *and* have broader benefits for the group’s strategic or tactical priorities.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:13 PM on February 15, 2024 [6 favorites]
For example, if the group is having a brainstorming session, consider passing out post-it notes and having folks write up as many ideas as they can in, say, 5 minutes, adding their initials to each note (harder to take credit for someone else’s idea when their ideas are right there in writing!).
Take all the post-its up to a wall (big post-it pads adhere to most walls, and can provide a good surface for organizing participants’ notes). You could:
- have everyone put their notes up and then have a silent “gallery walk”, where the group reads all the ideas together in silence, before beginning discussion (you can give participants a number of “gold star” stickers for voting on their favorite ideas, too, as a non-discussion alternative to gauging support)
- have everyone put their notes up and then facilitate… a clustering exercise by asking if some ideas are like others, a constraints exercise by asking what solutions are more feasible than others (clustering more-feasible ideas in one position, less-feasible in another), etc.
- ask folks to bring up their post-its and choose their favorite ideas - add them to the wall one-by-one, pausing to see if anyone else had similar ideas, clustering by similarity that way (to ensure that you pseudo-randomize the order of people putting up their ideas, deal everyone a number card from a shuffled deck that you bring to every meeting)
- use grids or gradients - more-feasible ideas on the right, moonshots on the left - quicker action steps at the top, longer-term solutions at the bottom - more-expensive/less-expensive, etc.
You could also:
- have everyone pass their favorite idea to the left, and go around arguing the merits of their neighbor’s best idea
- pair-share, partnering folks together to break out and talk for a few minutes to…. decide on the pair’s favorite idea to present to the group, have each person present on their partner’s strongest idea, etc.
- give everyone “two cents” at the beginning of the meeting (index cards, plastic tokens, old coins) - each time a person wants to contribute to the discussion, they throw a “cent” into the center of the table: once your two cents are spent, you don’t get to speak again until everyone’s two cents are spent
A lot of these techniques are meant to strengthen participants’ abilities in other ways - to evaluate ideas based on specific criteria like feasibility; to engage both critically and supportively with colleagues’ ideas; to prioritize (a major issue for chatterboxes and others whose ideas and/or enthusiasm so runneth over that we just SAY things without applying editorial restraint). Trying some new facilitation styles could both address the chatterbox *and* have broader benefits for the group’s strategic or tactical priorities.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:13 PM on February 15, 2024 [6 favorites]
Hold up your hand high, palm forward, and if they don't stop, say, "Thank you, Dave, but we need to.... move forward; also acknowledge Mindy and Mork; end this meeting." Whatever you need to go on with. Yes, it's a bit rude. Often that's the only thing that works with the rudes. If you keep it up while using a thank you and a smile, and maybe even gently occasionally use it with other people, there should be little or no push back. Hopefully, you can train them to pipe down when you raise your hand. Tossing a bite of donut could also help with that.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:43 PM on February 15, 2024
posted by BlueHorse at 4:43 PM on February 15, 2024
Response by poster: >How is it possible to take credit for other people's work "accidentally"?
Chatterbox does not say “I did this work,” but other people assume it. When Shy Volunteer does a project they may not brag to the full group, but just quietly tell a couple of people. Later the project is mentioned in a large group conversation and Chatterbox talks all about it without saying who did the work, thus coming across as the project expert. Shy Volunteer says little, as they don’t like to talk in big groups, even though they are the true expert. The result is that people associate the project with Chatterbox.
posted by mortaddams at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2024
Chatterbox does not say “I did this work,” but other people assume it. When Shy Volunteer does a project they may not brag to the full group, but just quietly tell a couple of people. Later the project is mentioned in a large group conversation and Chatterbox talks all about it without saying who did the work, thus coming across as the project expert. Shy Volunteer says little, as they don’t like to talk in big groups, even though they are the true expert. The result is that people associate the project with Chatterbox.
posted by mortaddams at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2024
Best answer: So you've got a situation where your talkative person is sharing info that should have been shared with the full group. It's worth looking at how you're communicating achievements, to make sure other people are aware of them. And I really urge not to think that your job is to shut down this person -- it sounds like they're excited about what's going on, and that's of real value. "Hey, you've talked a lot, we're moving on" is likely the exact wrong way of dealing with this. It'll shut down the immediate problem, but it will likely also create a situation where people don't feel like they're allowed to talk. If you're saying that people are unaware of others' achievements, then people talking too much is not the group's issue. Think about ways to improve overall communication, and think about ways to harness this member's enthusiasm and to make sure the group is hearing what they're talking about, without letting them take over the group.
posted by lapis at 9:41 PM on February 15, 2024
posted by lapis at 9:41 PM on February 15, 2024
This thread is closed to new comments.
One good rule is "step up, step back"--if you are not speaking, take the time. If you are speaking too much, 'step back.'
Once this ground rule is established, a facilitator can enforce it without things getting too personal
Dunno about the credit thing, that sounds more complicated
posted by eustatic at 12:54 PM on February 14, 2024 [9 favorites]