Socially Awkward Situation At Work
January 9, 2024 4:40 PM Subscribe
Anyone else in an similar predicament?
I work a hybrid schedule at work. Two days in the office and the rest remotely. I was hired two months ago and everyone at work has been friendly and kind. I’ve noticed a lot of these coworkers hang out a lot outside of work and they’re pretty close.
When I first started, everyone was friendly - I was friendly back. That’s about it. My cubicle shares the same area with 4 other coworkers who work all work in a different department than I do. They talk, joke and laugh a lot. I don’t know them well enough and I’m sure if I put in the effort - I could be close with them. But honestly, I really don’t want to.
They’re nice people, they’re talented - but they’re younger than me and I just don’t feel like I want to be super close to them besides the occasional friendly awkward “hi”. They’re not that funny and i don’t think I’d be friends with them outside of work. They’re just coworkers.
The problem is, they like to be friendly and joke loudly with other coworkers and they all just congregate right behind me. I feel super awkward just sitting there while they’re all talking and laughing back and forth. I feel like a douche just putting on headphones to tune them out.
The company I work for is small (50 people at the office) and for some reason they put a lot of emphasis on being social with other coworkers and attending out of the office meetups.
I’m friendly and will strike up conversation if approached but I really don’t want to put in an effort to be viewed as “well-liked” at my job. I do my work and that’s all I want to do. I’m not trying to be an asshole. Going to the office has been a drag recently (especially since there’s been a lot of downtime).
Thanks
I work a hybrid schedule at work. Two days in the office and the rest remotely. I was hired two months ago and everyone at work has been friendly and kind. I’ve noticed a lot of these coworkers hang out a lot outside of work and they’re pretty close.
When I first started, everyone was friendly - I was friendly back. That’s about it. My cubicle shares the same area with 4 other coworkers who work all work in a different department than I do. They talk, joke and laugh a lot. I don’t know them well enough and I’m sure if I put in the effort - I could be close with them. But honestly, I really don’t want to.
They’re nice people, they’re talented - but they’re younger than me and I just don’t feel like I want to be super close to them besides the occasional friendly awkward “hi”. They’re not that funny and i don’t think I’d be friends with them outside of work. They’re just coworkers.
The problem is, they like to be friendly and joke loudly with other coworkers and they all just congregate right behind me. I feel super awkward just sitting there while they’re all talking and laughing back and forth. I feel like a douche just putting on headphones to tune them out.
The company I work for is small (50 people at the office) and for some reason they put a lot of emphasis on being social with other coworkers and attending out of the office meetups.
I’m friendly and will strike up conversation if approached but I really don’t want to put in an effort to be viewed as “well-liked” at my job. I do my work and that’s all I want to do. I’m not trying to be an asshole. Going to the office has been a drag recently (especially since there’s been a lot of downtime).
Thanks
You have my blessing to continue ignoring them, it's fine.
posted by phunniemee at 4:45 PM on January 9, 2024 [5 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:45 PM on January 9, 2024 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Ah sorry if it wasn’t clear.
How do people deal with these awkward social situations?
posted by morning_television at 4:45 PM on January 9, 2024
How do people deal with these awkward social situations?
posted by morning_television at 4:45 PM on January 9, 2024
oh, yeah just put on your headphones, it's fine.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:50 PM on January 9, 2024 [11 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 4:50 PM on January 9, 2024 [11 favorites]
I think that as long as you're polite and reasonably friendly when approached, most people will just conclude that you're an introvert and leave you alone for the most part. Is there any way you could move away from the area where they congregate? That might help minimize the number of uncomfortable interactions.
If you're asked, it's probably better to fall back on introversion/need for concentration, rather than saying that you don't want to make the effort with them, though. Although most would understand what you're saying, there are some who might be offended at that idea.
posted by rpfields at 4:52 PM on January 9, 2024 [5 favorites]
If you're asked, it's probably better to fall back on introversion/need for concentration, rather than saying that you don't want to make the effort with them, though. Although most would understand what you're saying, there are some who might be offended at that idea.
posted by rpfields at 4:52 PM on January 9, 2024 [5 favorites]
Entirely up to you and your interests/tastes, but you can be friendly in other ways while setting the terms of engagement during the workday:
- Make a point of trying to notice and compliment small things -- "hey, is that a new shirt, it's really nice," "did you get a haircut? It looks great." "That sandwich looks great, what is it?" Then sit down and put your headphones on and get to work.
- Bake or buy treats and bring them in and offer them around. Then sit down and put your headphones on and get to work.
- Make a point of sending short, kind emails that engage them positively with work stuff ("just a quick note to say I was really impressed with your presentation today, X, good stuff, I wish I had your confidence speaking"). Keep your headphones on and keep working.
You can be friendly and kind without being sociable, basically. You're not obliged at all to put in extra effort and shouldn't feel pressured into it, but if it's bugging you this much, it might be worth a little extra oomph to ensure people see you as somebody who sees them, even if you don't want to hang out and giggle.
posted by Shepherd at 5:06 PM on January 9, 2024 [35 favorites]
- Make a point of trying to notice and compliment small things -- "hey, is that a new shirt, it's really nice," "did you get a haircut? It looks great." "That sandwich looks great, what is it?" Then sit down and put your headphones on and get to work.
- Bake or buy treats and bring them in and offer them around. Then sit down and put your headphones on and get to work.
- Make a point of sending short, kind emails that engage them positively with work stuff ("just a quick note to say I was really impressed with your presentation today, X, good stuff, I wish I had your confidence speaking"). Keep your headphones on and keep working.
You can be friendly and kind without being sociable, basically. You're not obliged at all to put in extra effort and shouldn't feel pressured into it, but if it's bugging you this much, it might be worth a little extra oomph to ensure people see you as somebody who sees them, even if you don't want to hang out and giggle.
posted by Shepherd at 5:06 PM on January 9, 2024 [35 favorites]
Putting on headphones is the conflict-avoidant and perfectly acceptable response, IMHO. If they're observant and respectful, hopefully they'll even notice they are disrupting you and relocate themselves. Alternatively, you can always says something like "hey all - sorry to interrupt the party but do you mind keeping it down? I've got [important sounding project] I really need to get finished ASAP". But especially in the workplace, headphones are a totally acceptable response. Thats why we have them, because shared spaces tend to be loud and distracting.
posted by cgg at 5:07 PM on January 9, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by cgg at 5:07 PM on January 9, 2024 [1 favorite]
Sounds like a perfectly reasonable time to just ignore them and get on with your work, with no concerns about putting on your headphones if that would help you concentrate.
posted by Stacey at 5:11 PM on January 9, 2024
posted by Stacey at 5:11 PM on January 9, 2024
If you want to advance at this job (which isn’t clear from your question,) I do think you need to put in some banter time—not the whole time, say 5 minutes or so.
posted by kapers at 5:19 PM on January 9, 2024 [6 favorites]
posted by kapers at 5:19 PM on January 9, 2024 [6 favorites]
with hybrid workplaces, it might be extra important to show some camaraderie in the office, due to the rest of the week being remote. YMMV, depends on your situation.
I think what I would do in this situation is: at lunchtime, if one/several of the folks are around, ask if anyone wants to get lunch. (when 12pm strikes, it's a free license to ask ANYONE around you to get lunch.) if they politely say no, move on and feel secure in putting your headphones on next time. if they say yes, maybe you'll get to know them better and they'll include you in the banter next time! it's hard to get included in banter straightaway without chatting with people a bit individually first. I know this is all easier said than done, though!
posted by glass origami robot at 5:41 PM on January 9, 2024
I think what I would do in this situation is: at lunchtime, if one/several of the folks are around, ask if anyone wants to get lunch. (when 12pm strikes, it's a free license to ask ANYONE around you to get lunch.) if they politely say no, move on and feel secure in putting your headphones on next time. if they say yes, maybe you'll get to know them better and they'll include you in the banter next time! it's hard to get included in banter straightaway without chatting with people a bit individually first. I know this is all easier said than done, though!
posted by glass origami robot at 5:41 PM on January 9, 2024
They sound outgoing and jokey. So You can get a set of wind chimes and after 5min of congregation jingle the chimes and say “all right friends time to float down wind” if they’re the type I think they are they will 1) find it funny 2) use it as part of your group “thing” so you’re now a part of the group without having to actually participate. Win/win.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:41 PM on January 9, 2024
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:41 PM on January 9, 2024
I've been in this situation and it's terrible. Sounds like the extroverts definitely have the upper hand in your office culture. They may all be (un)intentionally yacking it up near you, in order to give you (they suppose) the opportunity to join in. Do what you need to isolate, yes the headphones and maybe you can modify/improve the arrangement of your cube's furniture? Best solution, move, by discussing your situation with management, requesting a move to a quieter, less-trafficked cubical, on the grounds of 'improving your productivity.'
posted by Rash at 5:48 PM on January 9, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by Rash at 5:48 PM on January 9, 2024 [1 favorite]
So, this is trickier than it looks, because if you're enough outside of the group, it may become obvious and affect your actual employment. I once got fired in part because a coworker thought it was weird and creepy that I would sometimes go to the same restaurant as her for lunch and not come over and say hello and sit with her. You need protective social camouflage, but it doesn't have to be sincere.
posted by corb at 6:34 PM on January 9, 2024
posted by corb at 6:34 PM on January 9, 2024
Mention to whoever lays out the office seating that if there's potential for a desk at a different place, you will take it because your co-workers are lovely, but you do better with a quieter working environment.
Start the day with headphones yes.
But also, put some effort into being slightly friendlier than you really feel, or your attitude might come across more harshly than you intend.
So you don't need to join in the conversations, but when people come over for convos, make a point of *always* smiling, and doing the upward head nod that people do when they see/acknowledge someone on the street before turning back to your work, headphones on.
Err on the side of friendliness. Also, challenge yourself to find out if any of them do have any experience or interests you find interesting - have they visited somewhere you want to go, know a language you want to learn, understand something about a hobby you're into etc. Just each week, try and find out one new thing about them, and otherwise stick to yourself.
posted by Elysum at 7:14 PM on January 9, 2024 [4 favorites]
Start the day with headphones yes.
But also, put some effort into being slightly friendlier than you really feel, or your attitude might come across more harshly than you intend.
So you don't need to join in the conversations, but when people come over for convos, make a point of *always* smiling, and doing the upward head nod that people do when they see/acknowledge someone on the street before turning back to your work, headphones on.
Err on the side of friendliness. Also, challenge yourself to find out if any of them do have any experience or interests you find interesting - have they visited somewhere you want to go, know a language you want to learn, understand something about a hobby you're into etc. Just each week, try and find out one new thing about them, and otherwise stick to yourself.
posted by Elysum at 7:14 PM on January 9, 2024 [4 favorites]
I feel exactly the same about my coworkers (they’re not people I want to spend my free time with, we don’t have much in common, our senses of humor don’t mesh in any way, I would love to avoid all human contact and just do my work and leave) and I have been in/am constantly in this situation (open workspace where my desk is central and becomes a hangout zone nearby). I say “feel” because I still do feel like this but it’s sort of also “felt” the same as in previously because I have learned to love them as coworkers and enjoy the mildly forced social aspects of my workplace/job. The chatter happens around me and sometimes I am in it even though I don’t wish to be. I try to chat with them to a reasonable enough level that it (I hope) doesn’t come off as me snubbing them when I turn down further chat, or lunch, or friendly after work plans.
I think Shepherd’s advice is very good. Be friendly and get to know them a little. My take is, once you are “in” a little bit you can put in the bare minimum of social time with them and feel less weird about putting your headphones on even if the chat is happening around you. I feel like decent general friendliness levels will also make chat-ignoring headphones-only time less weird to them, so you can feel like you have a free pass to skip a conversation and just do work without acknowledging it’s happening around you.
My other opinions on this: Any outright or implied telling them to be quiet or move along will not be a good look. Moving your desk will make you be and feel more isolated from workplace culture. Part of the workday is going to be f-ing around no matter what and these are the people you’re getting paid to be around so you may as well get to know them.
My strategy: I like to get familiar enough with the people involved to feel like I have some idea of where the conversation will go, and figure out how I can make a tiny contribution that will be discussed for a hot second or make people laugh or whatever. Like a game and then when I win I can say “ok gotta go click the buttons” and go put my headphones on. Or if I’m at my second coffee of the day I can attempt to actively participate and attempt to turn the conversation to something I’m actually interested in. Like harvest local normie bar recommendations from people when my family is gonna visit or whatever. And ultimately win me a free pass to skip the next conversation without feeling rude about it.
Example scenario: Jeff is talking about the new spaceship show again. I do not care about the new spaceship show. I do a lot of oblique question asking “oh nice I haven’t been checking out that new stuff lately myself but I thought I saw a promo screenshot with a turtle looking guy in it, what was up with that?” (see if you can just get them talking about the thing they like, but have a reason for asking in case they want a back-and-forth) “Wow haha yeah it just caught my eye and reminded me of this performance art I saw the other day” (if anyone bites prepare to describe, they most likely will not, otherwise ask something lame and polite about the original topic until the group moves on). “My friend’s cousin has been super into it for a while also, are there a lot of episodes yet?” or whatever. They probably think I’m a huge weirdo but who cares, I’m not trying to be friends with them, and I’m (hopefully!!! trying to be!!) being friendly about it.
I try to stay up to date enough with the banter that I know something close to the latest in-joke and can throw in a line. Even if it is true bottom of the barrel dumb stuff like you are embarassed to go home and tell your partner you talked about. I’m trying to write up an example but it’s coming out too idiotic sounding and I’m becoming worried my coworkers will find this. Anyway we have a recurring topic that one (soft spoken, friendly, polite) coworker has let us know very kindly and politely that someday she is going to fulfill her childhood dream and be the dictator of the world. I swear I am an adult and really only like 10 years older than my coworkers who are also adults. But yeah like this is not my dream conversation but it’s the one I have. Anyway now that I’ve been in on a couple recurring conversations related to our future world president I can throw in a joke about “can’t wait for you to take power and outlaw that ringtone” or “I’ll vote for you if you have a printer fixing guy on retainer” or some other crap anyway as long as you’re nice about it it’s all a game.
Buying food and things for each other tends to escalate and snowball around my place, and I don’t want to become like our new person who walks around telling everyone individually in the open workspace area that she brought cookies and they are in the kitchen and you should go get them before they are gone and then comes back to remind us individually that she brought them and ask did you try one yet. so I try to avoid buying things and gifting and food as my sole means of interaction but it can probably be an easy one-off start.
Sorry my advice is basically just “get stockholm syndrome”. I do think in this workplace culture/situation you’ll want to put in a little effort and I suspect if you do then it will make you feel at least a little better about the whole thing.
posted by crime online at 10:34 PM on January 9, 2024 [4 favorites]
I think Shepherd’s advice is very good. Be friendly and get to know them a little. My take is, once you are “in” a little bit you can put in the bare minimum of social time with them and feel less weird about putting your headphones on even if the chat is happening around you. I feel like decent general friendliness levels will also make chat-ignoring headphones-only time less weird to them, so you can feel like you have a free pass to skip a conversation and just do work without acknowledging it’s happening around you.
My other opinions on this: Any outright or implied telling them to be quiet or move along will not be a good look. Moving your desk will make you be and feel more isolated from workplace culture. Part of the workday is going to be f-ing around no matter what and these are the people you’re getting paid to be around so you may as well get to know them.
My strategy: I like to get familiar enough with the people involved to feel like I have some idea of where the conversation will go, and figure out how I can make a tiny contribution that will be discussed for a hot second or make people laugh or whatever. Like a game and then when I win I can say “ok gotta go click the buttons” and go put my headphones on. Or if I’m at my second coffee of the day I can attempt to actively participate and attempt to turn the conversation to something I’m actually interested in. Like harvest local normie bar recommendations from people when my family is gonna visit or whatever. And ultimately win me a free pass to skip the next conversation without feeling rude about it.
Example scenario: Jeff is talking about the new spaceship show again. I do not care about the new spaceship show. I do a lot of oblique question asking “oh nice I haven’t been checking out that new stuff lately myself but I thought I saw a promo screenshot with a turtle looking guy in it, what was up with that?” (see if you can just get them talking about the thing they like, but have a reason for asking in case they want a back-and-forth) “Wow haha yeah it just caught my eye and reminded me of this performance art I saw the other day” (if anyone bites prepare to describe, they most likely will not, otherwise ask something lame and polite about the original topic until the group moves on). “My friend’s cousin has been super into it for a while also, are there a lot of episodes yet?” or whatever. They probably think I’m a huge weirdo but who cares, I’m not trying to be friends with them, and I’m (hopefully!!! trying to be!!) being friendly about it.
I try to stay up to date enough with the banter that I know something close to the latest in-joke and can throw in a line. Even if it is true bottom of the barrel dumb stuff like you are embarassed to go home and tell your partner you talked about. I’m trying to write up an example but it’s coming out too idiotic sounding and I’m becoming worried my coworkers will find this. Anyway we have a recurring topic that one (soft spoken, friendly, polite) coworker has let us know very kindly and politely that someday she is going to fulfill her childhood dream and be the dictator of the world. I swear I am an adult and really only like 10 years older than my coworkers who are also adults. But yeah like this is not my dream conversation but it’s the one I have. Anyway now that I’ve been in on a couple recurring conversations related to our future world president I can throw in a joke about “can’t wait for you to take power and outlaw that ringtone” or “I’ll vote for you if you have a printer fixing guy on retainer” or some other crap anyway as long as you’re nice about it it’s all a game.
Buying food and things for each other tends to escalate and snowball around my place, and I don’t want to become like our new person who walks around telling everyone individually in the open workspace area that she brought cookies and they are in the kitchen and you should go get them before they are gone and then comes back to remind us individually that she brought them and ask did you try one yet. so I try to avoid buying things and gifting and food as my sole means of interaction but it can probably be an easy one-off start.
Sorry my advice is basically just “get stockholm syndrome”. I do think in this workplace culture/situation you’ll want to put in a little effort and I suspect if you do then it will make you feel at least a little better about the whole thing.
posted by crime online at 10:34 PM on January 9, 2024 [4 favorites]
Assuming you work on a laptop, are you able to work from other areas of the office sometimes? My office has spaces throughout - the kitchen/lunchroom, some empty tables and chairs in various corners, small conference rooms, even some soft chairs and a couch - where it's totally normal for someone to relocate when they really need to concentrate or just need a change of scenery. I have an office with a door and even I will work from another spot sometimes when I need to shake up my surroundings a little.
You do have to be careful not to seem irritated or huffy at all if you're moving while people are in the middle of being boisterous around you, so if this is an option be sure to smile or as mentioned above, participate for just a minute or two before you leave. But ultimately I have been part of the loud group in this situation before and while I briefly felt bad for disturbing my coworker, it did not change my opinion of her for moving. I'd like to think anyone who has worked in an office before, especially one with an open plan, understands that sometimes you need to get your work done.
posted by misskaz at 4:58 AM on January 10, 2024
You do have to be careful not to seem irritated or huffy at all if you're moving while people are in the middle of being boisterous around you, so if this is an option be sure to smile or as mentioned above, participate for just a minute or two before you leave. But ultimately I have been part of the loud group in this situation before and while I briefly felt bad for disturbing my coworker, it did not change my opinion of her for moving. I'd like to think anyone who has worked in an office before, especially one with an open plan, understands that sometimes you need to get your work done.
posted by misskaz at 4:58 AM on January 10, 2024
I’m friendly and will strike up conversation if approached but I really don’t want to put in an effort to be viewed as “well-liked” at my job.
I'd put aside your preference and consider the condition of being "well-liked" at your job. Its worthwhile to be well-liked at a job. Even if you don't want to be. This doesn't mean you have to be cutting up with people all the time, but you should definitely not let yourself seem judgmental.
I mention this b/c your question suggests some level of irritation with and judgement of these folks (you don't want to be friends, they aren't funny, etc.) Honestly they probably are annoying, but the least liked person in any office is the judge-y one. Some people get through a boring workday by goofing around.
You can be pretty aloof, but put on a fake smile and do the fake chit chat now and then to show you are focused on your work, not too interested in long conversations, but you are not judging them for their workplace activity.
posted by RajahKing at 7:21 AM on January 10, 2024 [5 favorites]
I'd put aside your preference and consider the condition of being "well-liked" at your job. Its worthwhile to be well-liked at a job. Even if you don't want to be. This doesn't mean you have to be cutting up with people all the time, but you should definitely not let yourself seem judgmental.
I mention this b/c your question suggests some level of irritation with and judgement of these folks (you don't want to be friends, they aren't funny, etc.) Honestly they probably are annoying, but the least liked person in any office is the judge-y one. Some people get through a boring workday by goofing around.
You can be pretty aloof, but put on a fake smile and do the fake chit chat now and then to show you are focused on your work, not too interested in long conversations, but you are not judging them for their workplace activity.
posted by RajahKing at 7:21 AM on January 10, 2024 [5 favorites]
They sound outgoing and jokey. So You can get a set of wind chimes and after 5min of congregation jingle the chimes and say “all right friends time to float down wind” if they’re the type I think they are they will 1) find it funny 2) use it as part of your group “thing” so you’re now a part of the group without having to actually participate. Win/win.
In my office, this is what you would do if you wanted to make it a lot more awkward. Headphones by default and occasional friendliness is completely fine.
posted by knapah at 7:26 AM on January 10, 2024 [10 favorites]
In my office, this is what you would do if you wanted to make it a lot more awkward. Headphones by default and occasional friendliness is completely fine.
posted by knapah at 7:26 AM on January 10, 2024 [10 favorites]
Part of your job description probably relates to working or communicating effectively with your coworkers. Even if it’s not spelled out, it’s likely considered “other duties as assigned,” especially during work hours in the office. Think of it like any other work task that you find annoying, and be glad you have WFH time when you don’t have to deal with it. Schedule in fifteen minutes to ask Keith about his vacation or whatever if it helps you view it as work. You’ve said there’s down time, so it doesn’t sound like this is actually interfering with doing your core job tasks.
posted by momus_window at 11:09 AM on January 10, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by momus_window at 11:09 AM on January 10, 2024 [1 favorite]
So You can get a set of wind chimes and after 5min of congregation jingle the chimes and say “all right friends time to float down wind”
Oh god please don’t do this, far worse than just putting your headphones on. Frankly as long as you smile, say hi, pay attention and learn people’s names you can generally get by in most workplaces by just tuning people out when you’re trying to work.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:53 PM on January 10, 2024 [4 favorites]
Oh god please don’t do this, far worse than just putting your headphones on. Frankly as long as you smile, say hi, pay attention and learn people’s names you can generally get by in most workplaces by just tuning people out when you’re trying to work.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:53 PM on January 10, 2024 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:44 PM on January 9, 2024 [7 favorites]