How to deal with a misogynistic bully at work
November 28, 2023 9:58 AM Subscribe
My new job has blessed me with a bully in the form of a self-appointed senior designer/developer whose primary mode of communication is steamrolling others and lying. I got my first big dose of his bullshit yesterday and I can tell he's going to be gunning for my demise because I caught him lying and politely exposed it. How can I manage his passive aggressive behavior as it ramps up? Please assume I am looking for a new job and that I cannot quit right now.
For professional protection, document everything. Communicating in writing (email, slack etc) will be super helpful.
For your social situation, pick your battles. If it's a trivial issue, don't fight it. You can stroke his ego "you're right, great suggestion!" and just do what he wants for many things. Figure out what those things are now, before hand, and make the decision to do that for those things now, to save yourself the mental bandwidth when it comes up.
For other things you can probably ignore him, especially if he's self appointed and has no actual power. Just say "That's interesting" and move on.
For the things where he's proposing and/or lying about things that are damaging to the company, those are the things you want to document. If you're headed out the door, you may not need to do anything other than document (pick your battles). But if you find yourself in an ethical position where you need to challenge him, take the documentation to the higher ups who are responsible for the health of the company.
posted by natteringnabob at 10:07 AM on November 28, 2023 [6 favorites]
For your social situation, pick your battles. If it's a trivial issue, don't fight it. You can stroke his ego "you're right, great suggestion!" and just do what he wants for many things. Figure out what those things are now, before hand, and make the decision to do that for those things now, to save yourself the mental bandwidth when it comes up.
For other things you can probably ignore him, especially if he's self appointed and has no actual power. Just say "That's interesting" and move on.
For the things where he's proposing and/or lying about things that are damaging to the company, those are the things you want to document. If you're headed out the door, you may not need to do anything other than document (pick your battles). But if you find yourself in an ethical position where you need to challenge him, take the documentation to the higher ups who are responsible for the health of the company.
posted by natteringnabob at 10:07 AM on November 28, 2023 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: He's a coworker. I was warned about him when I was hired. He's good at his job in many ways which is why he's lasted but he is universally viewed as abhorrent.
Normally I'm able to push back without issue but I am very tired and cannot get assertive/feisty like I'm usually able to. He knows I'm a threat lying in wait because I am more knowledgeable and more likeable.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 10:08 AM on November 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
Normally I'm able to push back without issue but I am very tired and cannot get assertive/feisty like I'm usually able to. He knows I'm a threat lying in wait because I am more knowledgeable and more likeable.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 10:08 AM on November 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
Did a supervisor warn you about him or a coworker? If a supervisor, just stay in your lane, do your work, and keep your supervisor informed about the work you are doing and any interactions with him that have impacted your ability to complete your work.
If a coworker warned you about him and he is universally disliked, talk to your coworkers to see how they have managed it.
Honestly, this may sound defeatist but I don't know that it is worth fighting the hard fight and pushing back here. He clearly didn't learn how to behave during all the prior years of his life and you won't be able to change him. Just treat him with professional courtesy (brief smile and "hi!"), go about your own work, and be as boring as possible while you are looking for a new job.
Try not to read into his actions as a personal thing, it seems like his M.O. is to be a jerk and that he bothers everyone.
posted by donut_princess at 10:43 AM on November 28, 2023 [34 favorites]
If a coworker warned you about him and he is universally disliked, talk to your coworkers to see how they have managed it.
Honestly, this may sound defeatist but I don't know that it is worth fighting the hard fight and pushing back here. He clearly didn't learn how to behave during all the prior years of his life and you won't be able to change him. Just treat him with professional courtesy (brief smile and "hi!"), go about your own work, and be as boring as possible while you are looking for a new job.
Try not to read into his actions as a personal thing, it seems like his M.O. is to be a jerk and that he bothers everyone.
posted by donut_princess at 10:43 AM on November 28, 2023 [34 favorites]
Move as many conversations as you can to email. Take notes with dates and times of all in person conversations; follow up in email to him with your notes - “…hey, just wanted to circle back on our conversation. you said…”
other than that, avoid as much as possible and keep looking for better!
posted by Silvery Fish at 11:19 AM on November 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
other than that, avoid as much as possible and keep looking for better!
posted by Silvery Fish at 11:19 AM on November 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
Be on your guard - grey rock method might be a good hint. Refuse to play ball with them, take everything they say as if they really meant it.
I've once seen a person like that managed out in a beautiful way - their manager basically baited them into exploding because of slighted ego and submitting their resignation - but it takes a deft hand and you know, it being their manager helped. But generally sooner or later they will explode. Plus if enough people know he's unreasonable to warn you about him, there's not much damage he can do to your reputation.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 11:31 AM on November 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've once seen a person like that managed out in a beautiful way - their manager basically baited them into exploding because of slighted ego and submitting their resignation - but it takes a deft hand and you know, it being their manager helped. But generally sooner or later they will explode. Plus if enough people know he's unreasonable to warn you about him, there's not much damage he can do to your reputation.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 11:31 AM on November 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am in this situation with a coworker who is universally viewed as being abhorrent but is not going anywhere, and have managed to turn it around by being extremely communicative in writing, very professional and friendly, while simultaneously strategizing to remove myself from as much in-person contact as possible. I informed my supervisor of this plan and he knows me to be an extremely cordial and cooperative person so is supportive. Being “feisty” with this type of person is a losing proposition, in my experience. That only works with people who have an aversion to conflict. These people live for the feist. It’s one of those “only way to win is not to play” situations.
posted by HotToddy at 12:00 PM on November 28, 2023 [29 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 12:00 PM on November 28, 2023 [29 favorites]
If you have already decided to leave and it's just a matter of finding your out, keep your head down and do your job, collect that check. Pick no battles unless it crosses over into harassment or personalized bullying, then go to HR and only HR. Don't talk about him to anyone but HR, and only if he crosses that line. Stay away from him as much as possible and interact as little as possible.
If they ask you why you are leaving, offer only two words -- this person's first and last name.
You owe nothing to an organization that knowingly employs and supports a bullying liar who lies. Run as soon as you can.
Unless this is an unleavable job, then follow the advice of others here.
posted by archimago at 12:43 PM on November 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
If they ask you why you are leaving, offer only two words -- this person's first and last name.
You owe nothing to an organization that knowingly employs and supports a bullying liar who lies. Run as soon as you can.
Unless this is an unleavable job, then follow the advice of others here.
posted by archimago at 12:43 PM on November 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
1. Deal with your extremely valid feelings on your own. Vent to friends. Scream into a pillow. Journal. Go for a run. Listen to music. Get therapy. Break junk glassware. Color a whole page with red crayon. etc.
2. Do not act on your feelings in any way within the workplace or to work people.
3. Avoid and ignore coworker to the maximum possible extent. This includes letting his lies go unremarked if they don't concern you professionally and isn't related to your specific work responsibilities. (Yes, I think you need to ignore his lies that may affect the whole company or someone else. Your priority with this guy is to avoid and ignore him, not catch him out or show him up or expose him.)
4. If it becomes absolutely necessary, communicate your concern/correction to other people and keep your communication purely professional, focused on the correction, and fact-based. For example, if he lies about you in an email, communicate solely and directly with your boss (or whoever the concerned party might be) to correct the record - preferably without even mentioning this guy's name. Something like, "By the way, I submitted the proposal on the due date, it was not late. There seemed to be some confusion about that in our emails earlier, so I just wanted to make a quick note. Anyway, so, about the other project..."
5. As a very last resort, if there is no other option but to interact directly with him or respond directly to him, e.g. because he has lied about your work in a live meeting, address the whole room (not him) and, again, keep your correction of the record short, factual, and free of any mention of his name. If he asks you a direct question, respond to the whole room and invite the whole room into your response process instead of answering just him. (Look at the whole room and say something like, "That's a good question. Jane, you and I were talking about this yesterday and you had some good thoughts..." etc.) If you MUST address him directly, make sure it's only about the immediate work of the moment, period. Don't call him out personally even if he has said something outrageous. (You can instead note your outrage by saying something more general like, "Whoa! Okay, moving on..." or rolling your eyes and saying, "So anyway... ", or laughing and saying "Okay! Anyway... " etc.)
6. Document EVERYTHING and send periodic notes to your boss (and if the matter necessitates, HR). The above suggestion to avoid and ignore him and never speak directly to him is about how you interact with this guy and react to his shenanigans in the immediate aftermath. Documenting everything and bringing up concerns about him to your boss and HR is a well-considered, well-supported, and slower process that helps you advocate for a good working environment, vs. retaliation or putting this guy in his place or ensuring just comeuppance for him or a way to vent your feelings.
posted by MiraK at 12:57 PM on November 28, 2023 [6 favorites]
2. Do not act on your feelings in any way within the workplace or to work people.
3. Avoid and ignore coworker to the maximum possible extent. This includes letting his lies go unremarked if they don't concern you professionally and isn't related to your specific work responsibilities. (Yes, I think you need to ignore his lies that may affect the whole company or someone else. Your priority with this guy is to avoid and ignore him, not catch him out or show him up or expose him.)
4. If it becomes absolutely necessary, communicate your concern/correction to other people and keep your communication purely professional, focused on the correction, and fact-based. For example, if he lies about you in an email, communicate solely and directly with your boss (or whoever the concerned party might be) to correct the record - preferably without even mentioning this guy's name. Something like, "By the way, I submitted the proposal on the due date, it was not late. There seemed to be some confusion about that in our emails earlier, so I just wanted to make a quick note. Anyway, so, about the other project..."
5. As a very last resort, if there is no other option but to interact directly with him or respond directly to him, e.g. because he has lied about your work in a live meeting, address the whole room (not him) and, again, keep your correction of the record short, factual, and free of any mention of his name. If he asks you a direct question, respond to the whole room and invite the whole room into your response process instead of answering just him. (Look at the whole room and say something like, "That's a good question. Jane, you and I were talking about this yesterday and you had some good thoughts..." etc.) If you MUST address him directly, make sure it's only about the immediate work of the moment, period. Don't call him out personally even if he has said something outrageous. (You can instead note your outrage by saying something more general like, "Whoa! Okay, moving on..." or rolling your eyes and saying, "So anyway... ", or laughing and saying "Okay! Anyway... " etc.)
6. Document EVERYTHING and send periodic notes to your boss (and if the matter necessitates, HR). The above suggestion to avoid and ignore him and never speak directly to him is about how you interact with this guy and react to his shenanigans in the immediate aftermath. Documenting everything and bringing up concerns about him to your boss and HR is a well-considered, well-supported, and slower process that helps you advocate for a good working environment, vs. retaliation or putting this guy in his place or ensuring just comeuppance for him or a way to vent your feelings.
posted by MiraK at 12:57 PM on November 28, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Remember that you don't just need to manage him, you also need to navigate a system that tolerates his inappropriate behavior. Look at the organization and identify areas of risk. How have others been punished for his behavior? When there's an organizational norm of saying, "Watch out for Dave's harassment" instead of Dave getting fired, the consequences of his actions fall on others--find out what that looks like. You'll be able to strategize better when you know how the organization protects him.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:32 PM on November 28, 2023 [22 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:32 PM on November 28, 2023 [22 favorites]
Misogynistic, you say? Sounds like there's a good chance this behavior constitutes sexual harassment, specifically in the form of creating a hostile work environment. It's a risk to the company, and the company should know about it.
However, if the leadership of the company knows about it and tolerates it, that makes them complicit in the harassment. I've been there, and wrote this comment about how I've handled it.
But since you're on your way out of this toxic environment anyway (you were warned upon being hired? this place is MADE of red flags) you might to just keep your head down and cite his name in your exit interview--especially if you're more competent and more respected. That is the way you can help others who will remain at this workplace after you're gone.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:17 AM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
However, if the leadership of the company knows about it and tolerates it, that makes them complicit in the harassment. I've been there, and wrote this comment about how I've handled it.
But since you're on your way out of this toxic environment anyway (you were warned upon being hired? this place is MADE of red flags) you might to just keep your head down and cite his name in your exit interview--especially if you're more competent and more respected. That is the way you can help others who will remain at this workplace after you're gone.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:17 AM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
Bullies respect power. Be as tough, arrogant, abrupt as you can. Don't share information, time, don't be cooperative or very polite. If you are helpful, it's seen as weakness. Any flaw, real or imagined will be exploited. This is contrary to how how to be a team player or a good person, but bullies only care about winning. Imagine the bully as Trump; behave accordingly.
posted by theora55 at 10:10 AM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 10:10 AM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by dawkins_7 at 10:03 AM on November 28, 2023