Should I teach my kids slurs so they recognize them?
November 24, 2023 9:14 AM   Subscribe

Yesterday in a chat, my 11-year old was dealing with a troll who filled about 30 screens with an anti-LGBT slur. My son said he didn't know what it meant and so was more annoyed at the spamming behavior than the hate speech. We've always discussed slurs as they come up, but now I'm wondering if he would be better equipped to flag and report that kind of language if he recognized the words.

I don't really want to just give him a list of slurs. My thought is that he's well-enough equipped to recognize that someone is using bad language, and even if he doesn't know what it specifically means, he should flag it (and not repeat it). At the same time, I don't want to find out he's been learning slurs from his peers and using them without really knowing their content and hurtfulness.

Is this a general discussion, or should it be a specific-words discussion?
posted by Naib to Society & Culture (13 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think it’s a general discussion. “So, that’s a really rude way of trying to make someone feel bad. It’s a mean word that says they are angry about X. When you see that kind of stuff, it’s time to block that person because they are showing themselves to be both a bully and ignorant. Don’t ever use that word. And tell me if someone seems to be using words like that and we’ll figure out what they are trying to say and whether it’s bad or harmful.”
posted by amanda at 10:30 AM on November 24, 2023 [1 favorite]


I would find being taught specific slurs deeply uncomfortable, I expect, but I'm also not a parent so ymmv.
posted by Alensin at 10:44 AM on November 24, 2023 [6 favorites]


Best answer: I wouldn't teach a list of slurs, but I would say, "That word is a slur- an extra-cruel word people use to try to make someone feel bad about who they are on a really deep level. There are different slurs about sexuality, gender, race, disability, etc. These words are worse than just swearing because they can deeply hurt people's feelings. And sometimes people use them casually for shock value or jokes, but they're really hurtful words so it's still hurtful to say them casually, even if a person from that group isn't in the room. If you hear a word you don't know the meaning of, you can check with me to learn about it, and if it's a slur, I hope I can trust you not to say it - this is something I feel strongly about because it goes much deeper than jokes or teasing. People can even be suspended from school or lose their jobs for using slurs, and more importantly, they can cause deep damage to other people by using them."

And you could ask, "Have you seen or heard any other words that you think might be slurs? We can talk about them if you have. Even if it's something weird or uncomfortable or you made a mistake and used those words, you can always tell me and talk to me about it, because I know you're a good kid who wants to understand things."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:47 AM on November 24, 2023 [35 favorites]


I think opening the dialogue is the first step? "Hey, I don't wanna just issue you a list of slurs to memorize and report, but I just want to say it's okay and a good idea to not just take slang or nicknames for granted as okay to use and make sure you really understand what they mean before you do. As far as people just being obnoxious online, flag away even if you're not certain the words are Technically Bad - if they're disruptive or obviously being used to bother someone/everyone, report it. But if you're worried about what some specific word means, I promise to not get mad at you for asking about it though I reserve the right to be cranky about the people putting those words in front of you because they shouldn't be doing that."
posted by Lyn Never at 12:08 PM on November 24, 2023 [3 favorites]


Our rule has been if you don’t know what something means, don’t use it. I might be off but I don’t think an 11 year old is the right person to bear responsibility for flagging. But glad to keep reading others’ perspectives on this.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:46 PM on November 24, 2023 [6 favorites]


I'm in the "yes you should tell him specifically what the common ones are" camp. A friend of mine ran around her college (!) campus using one all day long, because some jerk in lab taught it to her as a new vocabulary word, telling her that it meant something different. She cheerfully used it in conversation with me that evening, and I had to explain what she'd been actually saying all day long, and she was mortified.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 1:45 PM on November 24, 2023 [3 favorites]


You're never going to be able to list every slur out there, so your kid will need some better strategy for identifying them in the wild. In this case, it doesn't seem like there was a problem -- not knowing the slur meant he was less affected by its use, which seems like a good thing to me. But it might be worth teaching him how to look up the meaning of words he doesn't know.
posted by panic at 2:23 PM on November 24, 2023 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Also, to expand on another comment, if you're going to explain to him why they're bad -- slurs aren't bad just because they hurt people's feelings. They represent categories of people against whom violent oppression is considered acceptable. To use a slur is to assert power over the people labeled by the slur using the implicit threat of this violence.
posted by panic at 2:37 PM on November 24, 2023 [12 favorites]


Mod note: A couple removed. Let's avoid using specific plaintext slurs here, which are still hurtful, even if used as examples. Separately, please stick to the actual question and don't attack the poster.
posted by taz (staff) at 10:50 PM on November 24, 2023


Our rule has been if you don’t know what something means, don’t use it

I might add to that. If you know what it means and it's about a person, and you don't know whether or not it is offensive, don't use it.

Also, because inevitably we get something wrong in this vein accidentally, it might be worth teaching him a strategy for that. For example, apologise, state that you didn't know it was offensive and that you won't use it again (and then don't use it again).
posted by plonkee at 3:23 AM on November 25, 2023


Ask your kid what they want you to do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:46 AM on November 25, 2023


Teach them how to look up definitions of words they don't know
posted by Jacqueline at 2:04 PM on November 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Adding only because it wasn't quite articulated in some of the earlier proposed explanations (though I'm sure everyone here knows this): it seems worth explaining to a kid that the wrongness of using slurs isn't just because they denigrate the person they're slung at, but even moreso because they denigrate the entire category of people referenced by the slur, whether present or not.
posted by nobody at 7:53 PM on November 25, 2023


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