Recommend books about coping w a family member's severe mental illness

October 20, 2023 8:41 AM

Not books targeted at the person who's going through it, targeted at the people around them. Please share whether or not you've read the books and what you thought of them! I haven't read many of these books myself.

Assume the person with the problems is resistant to all recommendations, and the people around them (the ones who I'd like to send these books to) can't extricate themselves because they have to be there for some kids who are involved (who are too young to read, so no kids books). Books about cutting off toxic people are not helpful at this point.

Nothing about legal/practical stuff, please, we've got that covered. Assume everyone involved (except the person at the centre of this) is in therapy but would still welcome more perspective and emotional support in the form of a book. I'm recommending Pema Chodron, who is one of the only authors in this genre I've read, but I don't think they'll be that into Buddhism or meditation. Also, no Christianity, please.

posted by 100kb to Human Relations (12 answers total)

We just read "Ecology of a Cracker Childhood" by Janisse Ray in an English class. An ongoing thread throughout the book is her family's history of mental illness on her father's side, including her father's manic-depression/bipolar. My mom (passed a few years ago) was also bipolar and parts of the book poked at raw nerves in me, remembering my own experiences. It also touches on hardcore evangelical Christianity that her father was part of, with some connections to his mental illness as possibly a reason for his religious fervor, if that is also a factor (or a turnoff) in what you're looking for. It doesn't include just her father; other generations in her family are also discussed, particularly disconnection from reality, self-harm, and explosive violence, with most of them ending up institutionalized (temporarily) at some point in their life.

It is all from Janisse's viewpoint, with no indication that she is dealing with any mental illness in herself, it's a memoir of growing up in this environment (and 'environment' is literal, she talks about the woods with great love, which was her refuge during her childhood). Poverty is also a topic, although not specifically related to mental illness.

My only problem with the book is the tone of "that's just the way it is, we were actually a loving family really" when as I'm reading I'm like "oh no, why is nobody protecting these kids". But, I think it's trying to be even-handed that "mentally ill people aren't all bad", which is fine -- her father, despite his abuse, is portrayed as caring and nuanced.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:31 AM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: For diagnoses, it's unclear. They've only seen a psychiatrist once ever and got a sort of "probably" diagnosis of bipolar mania with psychosis. But they could be BPD or bipolar or schizophrenic, honestly, there are some aspects of all of those. They don't manifest anything like depression or suicidality.

I'd like books that are more "living with a difficult person" rather than specific to any diagnosis. For example, I love the title of the book "Full Catastrophe Living," but it's too much focused on Buddhism and meditation. The people who are getting the books will be siblings and parents of the person, not children, so if you have anything from that perspective, that would be great.
posted by 100kb at 10:02 AM on October 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

The book Educated is a memoir of a girl growing up in a Christian fundamentalist family whose family members have some in medicated mental health issues. It is well written and also heartbreaking for the havoc wreaked upon their lives.
posted by samthemander at 10:24 AM on October 20, 2023

Response by poster: Again, please, no Christianity. I know this is a very US-centric website so there's lots of that in the general discourse here, but the family involved is not religious (or even culturally Christian).
posted by 100kb at 10:59 AM on October 20, 2023

This may be a little oblique, because I think it’s generally seen as relating to romantic partnerships, but David Richo’s How To Be An Adult in Relationships might be of interest. It’s about one’s own equanimity, from a Buddhist perspective, and dealing with the emotional stuff stirred up in relationship—including accepting that people can really disappoint/be a challenge. Having had to make peace with close family members with destructive mental illness, I found a lot relatable when I read it out of interest with romantic partnership.
posted by Sublimity at 11:25 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

I suggest Tender: the imperfect art of caring, by Penny Wincer. It speaks to many different forms of caring — both physical and mental support, and how people can look after themselves.

"She combines her own experiences as a carer with the experiences of others to offer real and transformative tools and insights for navigating a situation that many of us are either facing or will face at some time."
posted by socky_puppy at 1:44 PM on October 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

“I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help” is the go-to for anyone dealing with someone else who has severe mental illness. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t able to read it all because it was hitting too close to home and was re-traumatizing me. But even though I only read a few chapters, it helped enormously. And while it says its purpose is to help you talk someone into getting treatment, I found it was extremely helpful in understanding what was going on, and how to handle it for myself and for the ill person. Everyone I’ve run across who’s read this book recommends it highly.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:35 PM on October 20, 2023 [8 favorites]

I found the book "I'm not sick, I don't need help" after it was recommended here on MeFi. While the focus is towards the idea of trying to get the person to seek help, there is a lot of good stuff for how to communicate with someone you love when they are struggling with mental illness. It is more about how to come along side and work with them rather than how to set boundaries and insulate you from their craziness.
posted by metahawk at 2:38 PM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

Rachel Aviv’s book is very good and wide-ranging.
posted by caek at 4:11 PM on October 20, 2023

There are lots of good books on codependency. I would maybe look at some from the library and see if you find one that's written in an accessible or otherwise acceptable style. I like the "For Dummies" one, irrespective of how much I hate the series name.
posted by toodleydoodley at 8:26 PM on October 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

I was going to jump in and mention books on codependency, but toodleydoodley beat me to it. I liked, "Codependent No More." It's an oldy, but a goody. It helped me think through how to have boundaries and build some emotional distance from my mentally ill family member while still being supportive.
posted by eleslie at 5:40 AM on October 21, 2023 [1 favorite]

"Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" is very good and helped me a lot, it's about narcissism/BPD. This book quickly changed my life for the better.

"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" is not something I've read but seems to be quite good as well. There is a free ebook online as well.

I did read part of "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships" which wasn't wholly relevant to me but seems related and useful.

I always recommend "Games People Play" which has some dated/sexist framing but has been by far the most valuable tool I've ever found for getting through conversations and interactions which seem to cyclically repeat themselves in an exhausting fashion. Are you having the same conversation with this person over and over? You might find it described in this book.
posted by panhopticon at 8:09 AM on October 21, 2023