How to get more comfortable with failure - but not in the way you think!
October 20, 2023 7:43 AM Subscribe
I find it impossible to do any activity with the potential of failure as a leisure activity. To me, leisure activities are things like reading and taking long walks - activities where it is impossible to do them wrong. I like doing activities where there is potential for failure, such as cooking and baking, but they feel like work. Help me change this?
Most people seem to read this as me having emotional issues around failure, and say things like "It's ok to fail! It doesn't reflect on your worth as a person" and other things like that. That isn't my problem, though. I'm not uncomfortable with myself as a person when I fail. I don't judge myself, I see it as a necessary part of learning, and I often laugh at my failures.
It's just not relaxing. The emotional impact of failing is still there, even though I don't judge myself for it - it's the simple sadness of having wanted to produce something that would make me happy, and not having that thing due to a mistake. If I set out to make cupcakes, say, and was excited to eat them, and something happened to make them inedible - yeah, that's gonna suck. I'm going to be sad, and then that activity has taken emotional energy away from me. I'd like to change this mindset, though, so I can expand my repertoire of activities I find relaxing.
Most people seem to read this as me having emotional issues around failure, and say things like "It's ok to fail! It doesn't reflect on your worth as a person" and other things like that. That isn't my problem, though. I'm not uncomfortable with myself as a person when I fail. I don't judge myself, I see it as a necessary part of learning, and I often laugh at my failures.
It's just not relaxing. The emotional impact of failing is still there, even though I don't judge myself for it - it's the simple sadness of having wanted to produce something that would make me happy, and not having that thing due to a mistake. If I set out to make cupcakes, say, and was excited to eat them, and something happened to make them inedible - yeah, that's gonna suck. I'm going to be sad, and then that activity has taken emotional energy away from me. I'd like to change this mindset, though, so I can expand my repertoire of activities I find relaxing.
Maybe you need to find some hobbies that are more focused on the process than the product, and where you really enjoy the actual process? I "like" to bake, in theory, but in practice I mostly just like to eat the results and if they don't turn out, I will in fact be unhappy. I find games like Candy Crush miserable for the same reason -- I don't enjoy the actual gameplay enough.
But I've been taking tennis classes for a while. I'm pretty bad at tennis still, and I just moved up a level so now I'm the worst in the class again. I mostly lose! But I really enjoy running around and hitting stuff and getting exercise even if I'm not scoring many points. And whether I win or lose, there's no "end result" to worry about other than that I'm sweaty. I also do some sewing and cross-stitch stuff, and sometimes those projects turn out very weird, but I never regret the time I spent on them, because I enjoy that kind of close detail work -- I'm not just in it for the final product.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:05 AM on October 20, 2023 [15 favorites]
But I've been taking tennis classes for a while. I'm pretty bad at tennis still, and I just moved up a level so now I'm the worst in the class again. I mostly lose! But I really enjoy running around and hitting stuff and getting exercise even if I'm not scoring many points. And whether I win or lose, there's no "end result" to worry about other than that I'm sweaty. I also do some sewing and cross-stitch stuff, and sometimes those projects turn out very weird, but I never regret the time I spent on them, because I enjoy that kind of close detail work -- I'm not just in it for the final product.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:05 AM on October 20, 2023 [15 favorites]
It might help to expand your definition of success. Like if the kitchen isn't on fire then you win.
I have rarely met a cupcake I didn't want to eat. Cupcakes can go "wrong" in so many ways and still be technically edible. Like slap a bunch of frosting and sprinkles on that bad boy and I will eat it happily I promise. If it resembles a pile of crumbs instead of a cupcake just mix it with a bunch of frosting and sprinkles and bam you have succeeded at dessert. For extra success just do up your "failures" like a fancy professional chef would do them and call that thing a Deconstructed Cupcake and people will love it and eat it right up.
But also maybe you just don't find stuff like making cupcakes relaxing and that's okay too. I like baking but I don't think of it as relaxing at all.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 8:05 AM on October 20, 2023 [5 favorites]
I have rarely met a cupcake I didn't want to eat. Cupcakes can go "wrong" in so many ways and still be technically edible. Like slap a bunch of frosting and sprinkles on that bad boy and I will eat it happily I promise. If it resembles a pile of crumbs instead of a cupcake just mix it with a bunch of frosting and sprinkles and bam you have succeeded at dessert. For extra success just do up your "failures" like a fancy professional chef would do them and call that thing a Deconstructed Cupcake and people will love it and eat it right up.
But also maybe you just don't find stuff like making cupcakes relaxing and that's okay too. I like baking but I don't think of it as relaxing at all.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 8:05 AM on October 20, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm a self-taught quilter and I do a lot of experimenting with styles/forms/techniques/shapes, and I can usually see pretty early on when I've made some errors that are going to result in a quilt that is a little wonky. So I know along the way that it's going to be weird, and I can take what I've learned into the next project and laugh at this weird thing I've made which still keeps me warm even when it looks a little off. When I'm trying something new, I try to only use scrap materials from past projects so the stakes are low -- I haven't invested a ton of money into something I'm experimenting with (quilting can be expensive!!). In your example of cooking, perhaps the anxiety comes from not really being able to predict if something is wrong until it's done and you're eating it, and now you are hungry and have anticipated something yummy that is not yummy.
Are you using recipes or just winging it? I can usually tell from a recipe when something is beyond me or requires techniques that I am have no facility in, and I'll either make a tiny batch to experiment or just not make that thing as food is also expensive. I've also found with web recipes that people share their tips and tricks that make the recipe work for them ("I double the milk in this recipe and it turned out much better" "I substituted X for Y and it was inedible.")
Maybe a strategy would be going into it with lower expectations and choosing activities that are cheap and low stakes for failure?
FWIW I find video games the opposite of relaxing.
posted by archimago at 8:06 AM on October 20, 2023
Are you using recipes or just winging it? I can usually tell from a recipe when something is beyond me or requires techniques that I am have no facility in, and I'll either make a tiny batch to experiment or just not make that thing as food is also expensive. I've also found with web recipes that people share their tips and tricks that make the recipe work for them ("I double the milk in this recipe and it turned out much better" "I substituted X for Y and it was inedible.")
Maybe a strategy would be going into it with lower expectations and choosing activities that are cheap and low stakes for failure?
FWIW I find video games the opposite of relaxing.
posted by archimago at 8:06 AM on October 20, 2023
Is the point of a task always to achieve a certain outcome? Being too focused on the outcome can take away from the enjoyment of the process. Even if the cupcakes turned out poorly, did you enjoy being in the kitchen, reading the recipe, measuring the ingredients, stirring everything together? In other words, did you enjoy the process? Enjoying the process is a type of success/win.
posted by SageTrail at 8:07 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by SageTrail at 8:07 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I see you doing things around "outcomes" that you could question and reframe for yourself.
First, your assumption that "the simple fact... is to achieve a certain outcome." I can see how this would feel hard! But is it true? For example, the point of games doesn't have to be to win. It might be *one* of the outcomes, but its not the only one. Sometimes games, both video and board games, are fun to figure out puzzles along the way, laugh with friends, see neat art, etc.
Second, you are catastrophizing failed outcomes. If you follow instructions for cupcakes its highly unlikely they will be inedible. In fact, if they ended up inedible, you probably had some kind of fun along the way. Same with a video game - if you get through a couple levels, beat a boss or whatever, that can be fun enough.
posted by RajahKing at 8:11 AM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
First, your assumption that "the simple fact... is to achieve a certain outcome." I can see how this would feel hard! But is it true? For example, the point of games doesn't have to be to win. It might be *one* of the outcomes, but its not the only one. Sometimes games, both video and board games, are fun to figure out puzzles along the way, laugh with friends, see neat art, etc.
Second, you are catastrophizing failed outcomes. If you follow instructions for cupcakes its highly unlikely they will be inedible. In fact, if they ended up inedible, you probably had some kind of fun along the way. Same with a video game - if you get through a couple levels, beat a boss or whatever, that can be fun enough.
posted by RajahKing at 8:11 AM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
I also don’t like to fail, so I must work harder to not-fail. I put in work to get better at things before I do them so I won’t fail. For example, before I caulked my shower, I watched 10 videos and read a couple blog posts on how to do it. I only use recipes from trusted people and follow them carefully. I basically don’t attempt things that I’m not reasonably sure I can do fairly well. With this strategy in play, there are times that I don’t achieve the highest heights at my leisure activities, but I certainly wouldn’t say I’ve ever say I fail at them.
And when things don’t go my way, I usually talk about it and try to put into words what didn’t work so I’ll remember. For instance I tried making a braised chicken dish but used breasts. It came out dry and stringy. I talked about it with a friend and said, “braised chicken breast isn’t very good, next time I’ll use thighs.” I also saved it by tossing it with a creamy sauce to add more fat and then it was pretty good. So not only was the dish edible, but I learned two things about cooking along the way- thus, it was a reasonable success.
If you try to articulate failures or shortcomings to yourself, and troubleshoot what you’d do differently next time, the feeling you get doesn’t have to be disappointment, it can be satisfaction and even inspiration.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:13 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
And when things don’t go my way, I usually talk about it and try to put into words what didn’t work so I’ll remember. For instance I tried making a braised chicken dish but used breasts. It came out dry and stringy. I talked about it with a friend and said, “braised chicken breast isn’t very good, next time I’ll use thighs.” I also saved it by tossing it with a creamy sauce to add more fat and then it was pretty good. So not only was the dish edible, but I learned two things about cooking along the way- thus, it was a reasonable success.
If you try to articulate failures or shortcomings to yourself, and troubleshoot what you’d do differently next time, the feeling you get doesn’t have to be disappointment, it can be satisfaction and even inspiration.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:13 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
Just because something doesn't pay you money doesn't mean it's leisure. I think a lot of people get into this trap with hobbies -- a lot of hobbies aren't relaxing, they're engaging. People get frustrated because what they want is restful time, but they've chosen a highly unrestful hobby.
I don't really enjoy baking as a relaxing hobby, indeed I wouldn't even really say I enjoy baking. I just want to have a skill that is useful, and I want to eat cake. It does feel like work every time because it is work! People make baking their full time jobs, for money, because it's work.
My vote would be for resetting your expectations of how a leisure activity should make you feel, so that you're only choosing the engaging work-hobby when that's what you want, and are choosing the true leisure hobbies when you need rest.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:31 AM on October 20, 2023 [20 favorites]
I don't really enjoy baking as a relaxing hobby, indeed I wouldn't even really say I enjoy baking. I just want to have a skill that is useful, and I want to eat cake. It does feel like work every time because it is work! People make baking their full time jobs, for money, because it's work.
My vote would be for resetting your expectations of how a leisure activity should make you feel, so that you're only choosing the engaging work-hobby when that's what you want, and are choosing the true leisure hobbies when you need rest.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:31 AM on October 20, 2023 [20 favorites]
I wonder if doing an activity with a range of possible failure modes would help? Basically this is why I do a martial art; I’m guaranteed to find room for improvement, but I also get exercise and can see improvement over time. A lot of solo physical activities would qualify, and the physical tiredness at the end feels good.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:38 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:38 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's funny, I just failed with something, and it burnt. OK it literally burnt. I made a dough last night, and it just felt so good. I could feel that everything about it was perfect. Originally, I wanted to make pita bread, and then that didn't make as much sense because we ate all the relevant food without it, so I decided to make a baguette. I shaped it, put it in the oven, and it burnt. Maybe I was distracted, I don't know. My daughter sort of saved it, but not really. We cut it open, and could see it would have been the perfect loaf. I felt bitter. And then we decided to try it again. It cost less than a dollar in ingredients and maybe the thing was that it was really good practice, maybe doing it again would make me even more confident when it comes to making bread without a recipe. Maybe this was just a step on the way to confidence and success.
When I was very young, I was always looking to be perfect. I wanted to succeed in life. I really worked on it, and I have to say, a lot of that effort has done me well. Practice is good, studying is good. But exactly because of that, I realized at some point that there is nowhere further to go when you master your craft. Perfection is not a meaningful goal, because being human is about searching and asking. So you have to let go. That is where the magic happens.
Back then, when I was still trying to be perfect, I went to a violin concert with one of the greatest violinists, I don't remember who right now , maybe Menuhin. I was confused, because he made mistakes, and still people were estatic. I initially thought they were just caught up with his fame. And then I realized he made those mistakes because he was taking some radical chances. He was going beyond skill. I learnt something new.
About that dough: I haven't washed-up the bowl yet, and I'm going to start up the new dough without washing, because there will be a little bit of sourdough starter in there. So tomorrow's bread will be even better. Failing can be productive.
posted by mumimor at 8:47 AM on October 20, 2023 [6 favorites]
When I was very young, I was always looking to be perfect. I wanted to succeed in life. I really worked on it, and I have to say, a lot of that effort has done me well. Practice is good, studying is good. But exactly because of that, I realized at some point that there is nowhere further to go when you master your craft. Perfection is not a meaningful goal, because being human is about searching and asking. So you have to let go. That is where the magic happens.
Back then, when I was still trying to be perfect, I went to a violin concert with one of the greatest violinists, I don't remember who right now , maybe Menuhin. I was confused, because he made mistakes, and still people were estatic. I initially thought they were just caught up with his fame. And then I realized he made those mistakes because he was taking some radical chances. He was going beyond skill. I learnt something new.
About that dough: I haven't washed-up the bowl yet, and I'm going to start up the new dough without washing, because there will be a little bit of sourdough starter in there. So tomorrow's bread will be even better. Failing can be productive.
posted by mumimor at 8:47 AM on October 20, 2023 [6 favorites]
I find it impossible to do any activity with the potential of failure as a leisure activity. To me, leisure activities are things like reading and taking long walks - activities where it is impossible to do them wrong. I like doing activities where there is potential for failure, such as cooking and baking, but they feel like work. Help me change this?
Every activity has the possibility of failure. I have taken long walks, slipped on ice and injured my knee. You could read Atlas Shrugged.
Failure and success are not binary outcomes. Every activity contains many aspects, and some will be successful and some will be failures. The long walk I took got me outside and some nice fresh air, and even got me a sense of community as someone helped me when I injured my knee.
I've recently started sketching as a hobby, and every single sketch I've done has aspects of failure in it, and aspects of success. I recently went to a location I sketched in July and tried doing a new sketch. I still made the same mistake when I framed the scene that I did in July -- failure. But I really like how I captured a certain shade of the sky near the horizon -- success.
I've almost never made food that was as perfect as humanly possible; on the other hand, I've almost never set fire to the kitchen and produced something that was literally inedible. Everything is in between. There have been times I've cooked something well but overseasoned it, or baked cookies that were delicious but that ran together on the sheet and had the bottoms a little dark. And in every case, I've been up and moving around, and working with my hands, and focusing on the moment, and practising techniques, and not on Twitter, and making something I can eat. That's a lot of successes, even if the outcome is not entirely what I hope for.
posted by Superilla at 8:48 AM on October 20, 2023 [7 favorites]
Every activity has the possibility of failure. I have taken long walks, slipped on ice and injured my knee. You could read Atlas Shrugged.
Failure and success are not binary outcomes. Every activity contains many aspects, and some will be successful and some will be failures. The long walk I took got me outside and some nice fresh air, and even got me a sense of community as someone helped me when I injured my knee.
I've recently started sketching as a hobby, and every single sketch I've done has aspects of failure in it, and aspects of success. I recently went to a location I sketched in July and tried doing a new sketch. I still made the same mistake when I framed the scene that I did in July -- failure. But I really like how I captured a certain shade of the sky near the horizon -- success.
I've almost never made food that was as perfect as humanly possible; on the other hand, I've almost never set fire to the kitchen and produced something that was literally inedible. Everything is in between. There have been times I've cooked something well but overseasoned it, or baked cookies that were delicious but that ran together on the sheet and had the bottoms a little dark. And in every case, I've been up and moving around, and working with my hands, and focusing on the moment, and practising techniques, and not on Twitter, and making something I can eat. That's a lot of successes, even if the outcome is not entirely what I hope for.
posted by Superilla at 8:48 AM on October 20, 2023 [7 favorites]
I like goodbyewaffles' focus on the process of the activity, rather than the outcome.
Other thoughts that came to mind:
I used to play board and card games with a competitive mindset--that the purpose was to play the optimal strategy and win. At some point, I realized that wasn't fun for me (or the people playing with me). So, I shifted my perspective a bit. Now, I play with the minset that the game is a the playing out of a story. Win or lose, there will be a story of what happened. I still have a sad reaction if I lose, but I try to recognize it and accept it as part of the story. On further reflection, I can see that this mindset helps me focus on and enjoy the process of the game more.
I was watching a video about learning to sharpen knives. I forget the exact situation, but I believe he was answering a question relating to "how do you know if it is sharp enough" and he said that his mindset is to just make the knife a litte better each time he sharpens it. That really struck me--that you don't have to get it "right" in order to do it, but to accomplish a little is enough.
posted by bruinfan at 8:54 AM on October 20, 2023 [5 favorites]
Other thoughts that came to mind:
I used to play board and card games with a competitive mindset--that the purpose was to play the optimal strategy and win. At some point, I realized that wasn't fun for me (or the people playing with me). So, I shifted my perspective a bit. Now, I play with the minset that the game is a the playing out of a story. Win or lose, there will be a story of what happened. I still have a sad reaction if I lose, but I try to recognize it and accept it as part of the story. On further reflection, I can see that this mindset helps me focus on and enjoy the process of the game more.
I was watching a video about learning to sharpen knives. I forget the exact situation, but I believe he was answering a question relating to "how do you know if it is sharp enough" and he said that his mindset is to just make the knife a litte better each time he sharpens it. That really struck me--that you don't have to get it "right" in order to do it, but to accomplish a little is enough.
posted by bruinfan at 8:54 AM on October 20, 2023 [5 favorites]
I like doing activities where there is potential for failure, such as cooking and baking, but they feel like work. Help me change this?
Some approaches:
- treat it like work, or kind of work, and add the relaxation separately, like by listening to music as you work, or doing it with friends
- make a few things over and over such that you can be pretty sure they'll come out fine (like with walking - walks can be bad sometimes: maybe a nature hike is boring or harder than you thought it would be, or maybe a city walk brings you to bad or boring or ugly areas. But if you usually walk around familiar areas or routes, you pretty much know what you're in for.)
- have plenty of good stuff to eat (or whatever) such that even if the thing you tried doesn't turn out great, you're not left bereft.
- enjoy the pieces more by paying closer attention to it, taking pictures, etc. For example with cooking or baking sometimes it's nice to look really closely (as safety allows) at the food as you're cutting it, working it, applying heat to it, and so on, watching the shapes and colors change. Paying attention to smells is also fun (well, until things burn :-) It can be kind of meditative.
- think of a given session as part of a larger project. So maybe you're trying to make mousse for the first time and if doesn't turn out great. It doesn't mean the project was a failure, though - you're on a long-term project to learn the art of mousse-making or find a great mousse recipe, and it'll take a number of outings, and this was one of them. I dunno, maybe that'll make it feel more like work to you? But maybe it'll take the pressure off individual tries, because even the ones that work out less well are progress on the actual project.
- deliberately try weird things that probably won't work, to remind yourself what it feels like to just play with stuff
posted by trig at 9:22 AM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some approaches:
- treat it like work, or kind of work, and add the relaxation separately, like by listening to music as you work, or doing it with friends
- make a few things over and over such that you can be pretty sure they'll come out fine (like with walking - walks can be bad sometimes: maybe a nature hike is boring or harder than you thought it would be, or maybe a city walk brings you to bad or boring or ugly areas. But if you usually walk around familiar areas or routes, you pretty much know what you're in for.)
- have plenty of good stuff to eat (or whatever) such that even if the thing you tried doesn't turn out great, you're not left bereft.
- enjoy the pieces more by paying closer attention to it, taking pictures, etc. For example with cooking or baking sometimes it's nice to look really closely (as safety allows) at the food as you're cutting it, working it, applying heat to it, and so on, watching the shapes and colors change. Paying attention to smells is also fun (well, until things burn :-) It can be kind of meditative.
- think of a given session as part of a larger project. So maybe you're trying to make mousse for the first time and if doesn't turn out great. It doesn't mean the project was a failure, though - you're on a long-term project to learn the art of mousse-making or find a great mousse recipe, and it'll take a number of outings, and this was one of them. I dunno, maybe that'll make it feel more like work to you? But maybe it'll take the pressure off individual tries, because even the ones that work out less well are progress on the actual project.
- deliberately try weird things that probably won't work, to remind yourself what it feels like to just play with stuff
posted by trig at 9:22 AM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
With something like baking - once you get a little experience doing it, you will really not experience the kind of catastrophic failure you’re imagining very often. It’s not that the task is inherently prone to random disaster, you just don’t know how to do it yet - just like you didn’t know how to read or walk the moment you were born. If you give yourself a little time with any task that requires learning, this will become a non-issue.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:22 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:22 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I’ve found a lot of satisfaction in trying to maintain streaks of activity where the regular participation is the reward and not the quality. Something good coming out of it as an end result is a bonus. My current attempted daily activities roster: drawing a picture, writing a poem, doing a language lesson on Duolingo, exercising for 30 mins. Weekly: making music, doing yoga.
I’ve found this takes away the bad feelings around doing something not-great, because I know I’ll be back to it to try again tomorrow, so no big deal if I don’t do well today, and gets me into a habit that removes the friction from the activity, so if I am actually feeling inspired to draw something great I know where my art supplies are and what it feels like to hold a pen, sketch my idea, etc. and don’t have to work back through all that before I can get into the actual self-expression part.
I wrote regularly up until my teens and early 20s and then stopped for a long time. It felt high-pressure somehow, with that fear of failure. I’ve just recently restarted writing regularly with rules for myself about a) regularity and b) not sharing any of it until some milestone (TBD—maybe in 6 months I can assess what’s worth pulling from my notebook and maybe sharing?)
So I draw a picture every day and really enjoy the process of doing that but don’t worry too much about it it’s a good or bad picture in the end. Sometimes I work up a real sweat exercising, and sometimes i just take an easy, slow walk. Doesn’t matter. I find this attitude really helps me let go of results and enjoy the activity itself.
So I would encourage you to look at the regular attempts as your success mode, or a larger project of trying to learn and improve (so “failures” are successes because they teach you to grow) and as people have said above, find something where you enjoy the actual process.
posted by music for skeletons at 10:17 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I’ve found this takes away the bad feelings around doing something not-great, because I know I’ll be back to it to try again tomorrow, so no big deal if I don’t do well today, and gets me into a habit that removes the friction from the activity, so if I am actually feeling inspired to draw something great I know where my art supplies are and what it feels like to hold a pen, sketch my idea, etc. and don’t have to work back through all that before I can get into the actual self-expression part.
I wrote regularly up until my teens and early 20s and then stopped for a long time. It felt high-pressure somehow, with that fear of failure. I’ve just recently restarted writing regularly with rules for myself about a) regularity and b) not sharing any of it until some milestone (TBD—maybe in 6 months I can assess what’s worth pulling from my notebook and maybe sharing?)
So I draw a picture every day and really enjoy the process of doing that but don’t worry too much about it it’s a good or bad picture in the end. Sometimes I work up a real sweat exercising, and sometimes i just take an easy, slow walk. Doesn’t matter. I find this attitude really helps me let go of results and enjoy the activity itself.
So I would encourage you to look at the regular attempts as your success mode, or a larger project of trying to learn and improve (so “failures” are successes because they teach you to grow) and as people have said above, find something where you enjoy the actual process.
posted by music for skeletons at 10:17 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
With something like baking - once you get a little experience doing it, you will really not experience the kind of catastrophic failure you’re imagining very often. It’s not that the task is inherently prone to random disaster, you just don’t know how to do it yet - just like you didn’t know how to read or walk the moment you were born. If you give yourself a little time with any task that requires learning, this will become a non-issue.
I will just note that this only applies if you never try something new. I'm a baker with decades of experience and I totally made a nigh-inedible fail cake last week, because I was attempting an unfamiliar type of sponge (and using, frankly, a really terribly written recipe--I would say a good 60% of my current baking disasters are rooted in the recipe being badly written or edited).
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:27 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I will just note that this only applies if you never try something new. I'm a baker with decades of experience and I totally made a nigh-inedible fail cake last week, because I was attempting an unfamiliar type of sponge (and using, frankly, a really terribly written recipe--I would say a good 60% of my current baking disasters are rooted in the recipe being badly written or edited).
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:27 AM on October 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
Like We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese, I wonder what role novelty is playing here. I find doing something familiar and well-worn is much more relaxing than trying something new. For example, "cooking" in general is not very relaxing, but "making burritos" is relaxing because it's a familiar pattern I can settle into; and the odds that I will make inedible burritos are pretty darn small, because it's one of our staples and I've made them a couple times a month for several years.
Do you need your leisure activities to bring you novelty? How much novelty? If you turn the novelty dial down, do you get into "relaxing" mode?
posted by eirias at 11:53 AM on October 20, 2023
Do you need your leisure activities to bring you novelty? How much novelty? If you turn the novelty dial down, do you get into "relaxing" mode?
posted by eirias at 11:53 AM on October 20, 2023
What makes those types of activities more fun for me is thinking of the goal as getting better at a thing or gradually learning how to do a thing. If you try making cupcakes, you go into it thinking of it as the first in a series of experiments or learning experiences that will lead to you eventually being able to make cupcakes that you will enjoy. If they're inedible the first time, that's not a failure, just like it's not a failure if you fall down the first time you go skiing. It's just an expected part of the process. You see what went wrong and based on that you come up with a plan for what to do differently next time - try a different recipe, check doneness before the time the recipe suggests, make sure your baking soda is fresh, whatever.
The point of playing Tetris is to gradually get better at Tetris over time. Of course at some point in each game you will mess up and the game will be over, but that's not failing at the game. That's just part of what happens during the process of getting good at a game. Maybe it would help to keep track of your scores over time and gradually see them improving. But even if you have a bad day where your scores are worse than usual, remember that you still got in some practice and the more you practice the better you will eventually get. Practice sessions where you don't do particularly well are just an expected part of the process when you're learning something.
I agree with eirias that it would be helpful to think about how much you like or don't like novelty in your leisure activities. For me, doing something very familiar feels more like work. What makes it fun is novelty and not knowing exactly what the outcome will be or feeling like I'm working on getting better at it. If I've done it a million times and I'm confident it will turn out fine, just like it always does, then it's just a chore like brushing my teeth. It might be relaxing if I listen to music or chat with someone else while I'm doing it, but the activity itself has no element of fun. If I'm trying a new recipe or trying to make something turn out better than it did last time, then it's less boring. Is it more relaxing? Maybe. Being bored is not particularly relaxing. Being bored is stressful. So I guess maybe I'm more relaxed when I'm not bored. But other people in my family seem to love the familiar and don't find it stressful in the same way. You need to figure out what level of novelty feels good to you.
posted by Redstart at 12:49 PM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
The point of playing Tetris is to gradually get better at Tetris over time. Of course at some point in each game you will mess up and the game will be over, but that's not failing at the game. That's just part of what happens during the process of getting good at a game. Maybe it would help to keep track of your scores over time and gradually see them improving. But even if you have a bad day where your scores are worse than usual, remember that you still got in some practice and the more you practice the better you will eventually get. Practice sessions where you don't do particularly well are just an expected part of the process when you're learning something.
I agree with eirias that it would be helpful to think about how much you like or don't like novelty in your leisure activities. For me, doing something very familiar feels more like work. What makes it fun is novelty and not knowing exactly what the outcome will be or feeling like I'm working on getting better at it. If I've done it a million times and I'm confident it will turn out fine, just like it always does, then it's just a chore like brushing my teeth. It might be relaxing if I listen to music or chat with someone else while I'm doing it, but the activity itself has no element of fun. If I'm trying a new recipe or trying to make something turn out better than it did last time, then it's less boring. Is it more relaxing? Maybe. Being bored is not particularly relaxing. Being bored is stressful. So I guess maybe I'm more relaxed when I'm not bored. But other people in my family seem to love the familiar and don't find it stressful in the same way. You need to figure out what level of novelty feels good to you.
posted by Redstart at 12:49 PM on October 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
My goal with my hobbies is to learn everything I can about them. The best way to do that is to screw it up — following a recipe to the letter and everything going great teaches me virtually nothing about cooking. You never understand *why* things are done the way they are until you venture (intentionally or otherwise) off and find out, for example, what forgetting the teaspoon of baking soda actually does.
Last night I caused the destruction of a project I’ve been fiddling with for months, just after getting some excellent help from AskMe.. This morning I was frustrated and angry with myself for a bit, but as my goal is to learn there is no real failure here. A setback at most, and a very educational experience.
I also enjoy reading and walking and other leisure activities without the ups and down, but if my goal is to learn there is almost no way to do it wrong.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:35 PM on October 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
Last night I caused the destruction of a project I’ve been fiddling with for months, just after getting some excellent help from AskMe.. This morning I was frustrated and angry with myself for a bit, but as my goal is to learn there is no real failure here. A setback at most, and a very educational experience.
I also enjoy reading and walking and other leisure activities without the ups and down, but if my goal is to learn there is almost no way to do it wrong.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:35 PM on October 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by wheatlets at 7:46 AM on October 20, 2023 [1 favorite]