Sex question
September 2, 2023 11:29 PM   Subscribe

Is oral sex a standard part of sex?

So far, I haven't really enjoyed oral sex, either giving or receiving, and am wondering whether this is unusual. Or how unusual, I guess. I am just curious what other people are doing. Do people do it every time they’re getting physically intimate with a partner? With all partners?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
1. It doesn't matter if every other human on the planet does a sexual activity, if you don't enjoy it, you don't have to do it.

2. That said, there might be ways you can enjoy it more
eg

showering or bathing immediately beforehand (freshness makes SUCH a difference for oral sex!)

telling your partner not to touch or hold your head;

trying different positions or techniques.

There are books you can read about technique like

The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio by Violet Blue

and

The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus
by Violet Blue
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 12:14 AM on September 3, 2023 [5 favorites]


I consider it to be fully on the menu but by no means obligatory. Kind of like ordering a drink when you go out to dinner.

Note: I am a cis woman who has had sex with many cis men and a few cis and trans women.

I had a lot of sexual partners before getting married, and oral was part of the sex for many but far from all of the one-time encounters. Maybe half?

In ongoing situations it’s been a real mix depending on what everyone’s into. I’ve had partners who adore giving oral and want to do it before intercourse every time, and I’ve had phases of my life where giving oral was very hot and important to me so I wanted to do it before or instead of intercourse frequently. I’ve had lesbian relationships where oral was a huge part of the sex life and ones where it never happened at all. I’ve had long FWB situations with men who never wanted me to go down on them or vice versa.

In my marriage oral sex is much more of an occasional thing, because I don’t actually get much out of receiving it most of the time and giving it is difficult for me these days. Neither of us feels hard done by because of this, it’s more of a super special fun thing when it happens (like ordering a really fancy drink when you go out to dinner!)

TL; DR this slut says oral is not default
posted by cabbage raccoon at 2:08 AM on September 3, 2023 [15 favorites]


Pretty much all sex is "what you want to do together" -- you can even just do oral sex and nothing else and say you had sex, there's no rulebook.

If you're saying your partner wants to either give or receive oral sex every time you have sex -- that's their preference and they're being open about what they enjoy and want to include you in their pleasure, as long as they're not trying to force you to do something you're not comfortable with.

(Sidenote: there's a standard script for straight porn which is lots of touching > oral sex > piv sex in many different positions > maybe anal sex > show the male orgasm -- it's easy to think "sex has to be this way" if you see that all the time but it's not a rule)

I'm a cis male and receiving oral sex doesn't "work" for me -- it feels OK but doesn't feel that arousing and doesn't get me anywhere near orgasm -- but I love giving it; however my cis female partner is the same, oral sex is OK but she'd rather get to the 'main course', so once in a while I find an opportunity to give it but it's not like "it's not sex without oral sex", it's just what we've worked out as the successful way we have sex together.

So, if what's going on is a difference in preference with a partner -- one of you wants it, the other isn't so hot on it -- it needs a discussion to figure out to what extent your partner's needs require it, and come to an agreement that works for both of you....but it's not required, the Sex Police aren't going to show up and write a ticket if you skip that straight cis porn script step (unless getting a ticket from the Sex Police is a turn on, I'm not here to judge)
posted by AzraelBrown at 4:36 AM on September 3, 2023 [4 favorites]


I share your confusion. My mid-20s ex never, ever let me forget how much he likes it (and how good his ex was at it), and that made me feel very, very inadequate. A later partner was like a poster above, it didn't do anything for him, so I never got to get over feeling inadequate. I guess this post is more a warning about how not to deal with feelings about oral, but there you go.
posted by Dashy at 5:04 AM on September 3, 2023 [3 favorites]


Yeah it varies. I'm a lesbian and have had partners that loved it, partners that were indifferent to it, and partners for whom it was totally off the menu, both giving and getting in various combinations. Like pretty much every other part of sex, it's something that one negotiates specifically with each partner.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:23 AM on September 3, 2023


As above, I would say it varies from person to person. I had one partner who did not like to give or receive, one partner who expected oral every time (both give and receive) and one who I've done more oral with than anything else because it works well for both of us.

For some people, no oral could be a deal-breaker, as it is something they find extremely pleasurable and can't imagine going without. Others may be more flexible. I will say that a really good, well-lubed hand job (performed on penis or vulva) can mimic the intense sensation of oral and as an additional benefit can allow you to be face-to-face for kissing if you want.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:11 AM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


Yes, it’s standard.

I personally don’t get much out of giving it, but I do it, because sex is both a way to give and receive pleasure, and while I don’t really like doing it, I like the way it makes my partner feel.

That said, this is from a gay cismale perspective. I don’t know what straight people are doing, but I do think that in general straight people would have better sex if they stopped equating “having sex” with fucking.
posted by rhymedirective at 6:15 AM on September 3, 2023 [9 favorites]


Every human is unique, every sex life is different, etc, but I think you are getting skewed responses here.

It is standard for me, and if I had partners that would sometimes skip it, I would emphasize that I expect it every single time. It’s hard for me to warm up enough for penetration without it.
posted by Juliet Banana at 6:41 AM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


As everyone said, it varies. At least on the "progressive sex culture" end of things, Dan Savage has said that "oral comes standard" and I agree with that for myself.

For me reciprocal oral sex ideally should be on the menu as part of foreplay 50-75% of the time, with all partners. I could accommodate a partner who did not like to receive (though I would be sad about it). I could not accommodate a partner who did not want to be on the giving side of things, that would be an absolute and immediate dealbreaker, even though I don't need it to reach an orgasm, and, in fact, there are easier ways for me to reach an orgasm. But as a cis straight woman having sex with cis straight men, if a man won't do it, whatever his individual reasons/narratives around it are, it is impossible for me to decouple from the larger cultural climate of misogyny, and that's not something I am interested in reframing for myself.
posted by virve at 7:08 AM on September 3, 2023 [4 favorites]


In my experience, "progressive sex culture" has mostly moved past seeing any sexual act as "standard," since this frames people who don't want to engage in that act as deviant; if it's a point of incompatibility with their partners, such framing makes them the problem, which is a source of pressure and shame. Instead, most discussions I see among my own circles (mostly progressive queer people) frame it in terms like compatibility, communication, and consent. Even PIV sex in heterosexual encounters isn't discussed as "standard" - it's common, but that's not the same as standard.

That's not to say there aren't men who don't like giving oral sex for bullshit reasons (c.f. DJ Khaled) or that this can't be a dealbreaker.

It's just that everything is optional, meaning no one is wrong for not wanting to do something in particular, and that if it is a dealbreaker for one or both people, that's just bad luck.

There are a lot of studies that attempt to get at how common oral sex is and what people's attitudes and experiences are, but each one asks a different set of questions. For example, 2/3 of participants in this study reported their last sexual encounter included oral sex and includes some more detailed reporting in their analysis section. (It's specifically looking at college students, so this might not generalize to other populations; this study looks specifically at older heterosexual adults in relationships, but also summarizes some past surveys on attitudes and experiences with oral sex that you might find interesting. Unsurprisingly, there are age, relationship, and gender differences here.)
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:31 AM on September 3, 2023 [10 favorites]


I think a lot of people are answering the question, "is it alright not to like oral sex" - the answer is, correctly, yes. However, that's not actually the question the OP asked. The OP asked if it's unusual.

In my experience, as a male person who has been with both male and female partners - yes, it's unusual, and it would be challenging for me to be in a sexual relationship with someone who disliked giving or receiving oral sex. I've been with folks that don't particularly enjoy giving or receiving oral sex, but not both. Further, the folks that didn't particularly enjoy one side were generally indifferent, and would usually do it anyway because sex involves reciprocal pleasuring.

There are likely exceptions, but essentially every time I've had penetrative sex, oral sex has been involved. Even most mutual masturbation sessions would involve oral sex.
posted by sockmypuppet at 9:36 AM on September 3, 2023 [2 favorites]


According to Howard Jacobson, it’s cold and lonely work, but somebody’s got to do it
posted by Phanx at 9:45 AM on September 3, 2023


I've never understood what's so great about it. I'll give it and receive it just to be polite, but I think it is boring as heck and completely unexciting. I can't believe anyone even came up with something so blah and boring. I enjoy lots and lots of other things on the menu, but definitely not this. Yawn.
posted by SageTrail at 9:46 AM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


I mean from a lesbian, most lesbians I know see it as standard, yeah. Does that mean there isn't a broad spectrum of personal preferences and activity? Of course not. But if we're talking about standard as in "common" then yes.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:26 AM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


I don't personally care for oral sex, either giving or receiving, with rare exceptions. I've been with people who have pretty much the entire spectrum of genitalia, with the exception that I've never been with a trans man who'd had phalloplasty, though I have been with people who've had other genital surgeries.

People are pretty much OK with me not caring much for it. My partner of 29 years really liked it, so for us it was a sometimes thing. He would go down on me occasionally and not for a super-long time, as part of a longer, more varied session of lovemaking. I only really enjoyed giving after he got a free-up surgery, a surgery that releases the tissue holding the clitoris flat to the body so it becomes more erect from the base. He'd been on testosterone for a long time and his was pretty enlarged, and it was a great size for my mouth. We had some really great experiences with me bringing him all the way to orgasm after he had that surgery, but otherwise oral is something I rarely do, and partners generally accept that it's off the table. It's best to bring this up early, because there are lots of people who assume cis women like me love receiving oral, or who just assume it's going to be part of the routine. Better to let someone know up front that their amazing cunnilingus skill is not going to be appreciated with me.
posted by Well I never at 11:14 AM on September 3, 2023


Adding: I'm 57 now, and I figured out I didn't care for oral when I was, like, 23? I've been willing to experiment from time to time but have never changed my mind, with the one exception I mentioned.
posted by Well I never at 11:15 AM on September 3, 2023


Pan cis female here currently in long term het relationship. I have always disliked receiving oral sex from or giving oral sex to either gender. I give to my (cis het male) partner on rare occasions when he asks but he also knows it's not my favorite so asks sparingly (like a few times a year). He's asked to give to me a literal handful of times over our 11 years together and I've allowed it but he knows I get nothing out of it, he just finds it exciting. I cannot orgasm solely from external stimulation so it does literally nothing for me.

I trend towards asexual on the spectrum of sex as a whole so, grain of salt and all that.

Do what works for your own relationship, communication as always is key.
posted by danapiper at 1:18 PM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


In my experience, "progressive sex culture" has mostly moved past seeing any sexual act as "standard," since this frames people who don't want to engage in that act as deviant

I strongly disagree with this. Sex acts are "standard" in that they are a bog standard vanilla part of people having sex, not that it has to happen every time or that people must enjoy it.

There's certainly room in life for people to strongly object to performing or receiving oral sex and no one ever, ever has to do any sexual act, but I think progressivism in general has recently come wayyyyyy too far down on the side of "if you don't enjoy something, you should never, ever, ever have to do it" whether it's a sex act or going to a friend's birthday party. Part of being a well-adjusted person is doing things in a spirit of good-natured reciprocity.
posted by rhymedirective at 5:05 PM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


I *definitely* think of oral sex as “standard”, but in a functionally different way than has been discussed above - more like a convention that’s worth talking about if you don’t want to follow it, because it’s an act that deeply affects people’s emotions and feelings of self-worth (on both sides!).

For example, “say thank you and goodbye to the host when leaving a party” is “standard” for a lot of people, in a way that mixes up a lot of concepts: common/polite/expected/gives folks a nice feel when you do it. However, *not* saying thanks and goodbye when leaving a party isn’t necessarily rare, rude, surprising, or bound to hurt feelings, *if* both parties talk it through. A host whose friend with social anxiety prefers to slip away unnoticed might be glad that their friend feels comfortable enough to take care of themselves instead of gritting their teeth through a social convention, if they know that’s the reason.

There are people who don’t like kissing on the mouth. Totally ok! But mouth-kissing is so common/desired/enjoyed/etc. for romantic partners that for a person *not* to bring up an aversion to it with a new romantic partner would probably come across in a negative way. For me, oral sex is similar. It’s fine to not be into oral, but letting partners know that preference early is the kind and upstanding thing to do, so that they can opt out if that’s a dealbreaker.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:35 PM on September 3, 2023 [2 favorites]


Kissing and oral sex have been in some cultures historically just Not A Sex Thing at all - I cannot find my source right now but it was ribald quotes from bemused English sailors and travellers on discovering that what they thought of as normal sex was very different elsewhere.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:48 PM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


Yes, I came to state what dorothyisunderwood has noted. It has become "standard" in what we call 21st-century Western culture, but even just a few decades ago it was not necessarily expected or practiced. Without getting too TMI, I would be very surprised if (one set of) my grandparents, for instance, ever had oral-genital contact. (They were the kind of people who needed "blowjob" defined for them in the 1980s.) I would say oral sex became standard among male/male and female/female couples before it became standard for heterosexuals, but prior to, say, the Edwardian era, it was just not necessarily even a known act in many cultures/areas. The "standard" form of gay male sex encounters was manual or intercrural sex for a long period of time, at least in English-speaking regions.

But in a 21st-century relationship, no matter your orientation, you are likely to be met with confusion and dismay if you do not enjoy giving/receiving oral sex. As a result, you may have to come to some sort of compromise position with your partner. Many people consider lack of oral sex to be a dealbreaker, at least in theory.

How this plays out will likely be affected by whether your issues are psychological (e.g., "it makes me self conscious") or social*, as opposed to physical (taste/texture, gag reflex, it flat-out doesn't feel good). Physical dislike is tougher to deal with. But psychological discomfort does have more room for expansion. (*I think some people dislike giving oral sex to penises because of pornified standards of what this act should resemble. Disliking deepthroat or rough oral sex is normal IMO, and if this is your issue, it's something your partner needs to work on recalibrating, not you.)

No matter what happens, I just want to emphasize that disliking it does not make you abnormal so much as out of step with current expectations. If a partner ends your relationship outright over lack of oral sex, that, well, sucks. But it's not a personal failing. People can get very in their heads about what is or isn't "necessary" or "attractive" in bed. (That said, by the same token...you may be very in your head about performing/receiving oral. It could be to your benefit to be open-minded about the elasticity of your own sexual pleasure, if you're seeking to make compromises with a partner.)
posted by desert outpost at 10:24 PM on September 3, 2023 [4 favorites]


A friend I know who was at one time lesbian then straight said she never let partners of any sex perform oral on her. She did enjoy or rather didn't mind performing oral on her lesbian partners but she said noone really had a problem with her preference. The bottom line is if you don't want to don't do it. The word standard is such hogwash when it relates to a personal boundary. Never say standard sexual practice again.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 10:47 PM on September 3, 2023 [1 favorite]


In het relationships over the age of 35, I would say it is standard for women to perform oral sex on male partners, it is not necessarily standard for men to perform oral sex on female partners. I understand that is different for the younger set, and more power to them.
posted by corb at 9:31 AM on September 4, 2023


Standard for me and most of the folks I know (straight, 40's).

From a female perspective, I think there's a lot of emotional stuff tied up in the enjoyment of oral sex and this might determine how into it (or not) people are. It's in a lot of ways more intimate than other types of sex (having one's mouth and nose on/near their partner's genitals is very fucking intimate) and more lopsided than some other types (as in, it's an act where you're more likely to be ONLY giving or ONLY receiving and that hits different).

I think as a consequence, how we feel about our partner and/or ourselves may be a larger factor for enjoyment of oral than it is for PIV, handjobs, etc. From my own history and that of people I've talked to about it (decidedly not a large sample, strictly anecdata), oral seems to be more frequent and more satisfying when one's sexual confidence is higher and/or when one has a better emotional connection with their partner and is better able to communicate their wants and needs. We're a lot less likely to want to receive when we don't trust our partner or have confidence issues about our own bodies, and less likely to want to give if we care less about our partner's needs. This is a huge oversimplification, I haven't even touched on power dynamics, but what I'm saying is that the spectrum of feelings about oral is probably pretty complex and not JUST a matter of preference.

So I think whether or not it's a standard "menu item" can change over the course of one's life, and with different partners.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:26 AM on September 5, 2023 [1 favorite]


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