Aspergers and oversharing, how can I stop doing this?
July 30, 2023 8:30 AM Subscribe
Hello all, I am on the Aspergers spectrum, and I tend to overshare too much sensitive information with new people at times and in my professional life, and I am not sure how to refrain or tone it down? I think it also happens when I am under a lot of stress. I actually had one person get cross, which was weird, as most people look a little startled or embarrassed but rarely angry. What can I do to tone it down or not overshare so much? Because to me, everything is not very personal but honest and open to me, but to others, it is not. I am clueless and it can be very difficult to digest and decipher what is too personal and what is not? I do not have the greatest social filter and oversharing some things has made at least one person angry and stopped communicating with me.
I have mostly reformed myself from this habit- in my case, sometimes people would respond negatively to emails I had sent, which I found confusing. I then started having a trusted person look over any email I sent to superiors, and what I learned from their edits was that it was less an issue of what I was saying, and more the quantity of what I was saying.
Made up example: Say you need to miss a professional engagement because your pet just died and you know you won't be able to attend without bawling. Going into all the details of why you won't attend is unnecessary, and potentially making your superior feel put upon to comfort you. All you need to write in that case is "I'm very sorry, but a personal emergency has occurred, I therefore will be unable to attend."
So, you know you have this habit/inclination. It's of course easier with email where you can edit yourself, but in general try to occasionally pause and ask yourself, "What is the bottom-line message I need to communicate here, and are their any details or context that is unnecessary background info? How can I most efficiently get this message across?"
In short, don't think of the issue so much as "I'm too personal/open" (even if that may also be the case) but more "I'm over-communicating and need to pare down the quantity of speech." I find it easier to find bloat in the scale of communication than to judge whether something is "too personal" or not - you may be the same.
posted by coffeecat at 8:59 AM on July 30, 2023 [34 favorites]
Made up example: Say you need to miss a professional engagement because your pet just died and you know you won't be able to attend without bawling. Going into all the details of why you won't attend is unnecessary, and potentially making your superior feel put upon to comfort you. All you need to write in that case is "I'm very sorry, but a personal emergency has occurred, I therefore will be unable to attend."
So, you know you have this habit/inclination. It's of course easier with email where you can edit yourself, but in general try to occasionally pause and ask yourself, "What is the bottom-line message I need to communicate here, and are their any details or context that is unnecessary background info? How can I most efficiently get this message across?"
In short, don't think of the issue so much as "I'm too personal/open" (even if that may also be the case) but more "I'm over-communicating and need to pare down the quantity of speech." I find it easier to find bloat in the scale of communication than to judge whether something is "too personal" or not - you may be the same.
posted by coffeecat at 8:59 AM on July 30, 2023 [34 favorites]
Would some rules of thumb help? If it has to do with sex, money, politics, death, or anything that happens in the bathroom, it’s too personal for most relationships — also for most settings, even with appropriate people. If my husband brings up medical stuff with me at home that’s totally normal, but if he does it in line at the grocery store that is Not On.
Another rule of thumb with people you are not close to — positive is safest. When looking for small talk topics, bring up stuff you liked or found interesting, rather than stuff you found upsetting or boring. When talking about mutual acquaintances, it’s safe to say stuff you admire about them but less safe to talk about your frustrations with them. Others will often be following this guidance too and you may find you need to infer negative things from the gaps and the shadows in the conversation.
Of course some people break these guidelines and suffer no ill consequences for it — but that’s probably not going to be you.
If this question is really about that one specific relationship that went sour, we might need more information to be able to help. I wouldn’t get angry at someone for eg telling me more than I needed to hear about their digestive state, their tax situation, or a movie they hated — I might just choose someone else to sit next to at the next party — which makes me think there might be some other important detail you have left out.
posted by eirias at 9:01 AM on July 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Another rule of thumb with people you are not close to — positive is safest. When looking for small talk topics, bring up stuff you liked or found interesting, rather than stuff you found upsetting or boring. When talking about mutual acquaintances, it’s safe to say stuff you admire about them but less safe to talk about your frustrations with them. Others will often be following this guidance too and you may find you need to infer negative things from the gaps and the shadows in the conversation.
Of course some people break these guidelines and suffer no ill consequences for it — but that’s probably not going to be you.
If this question is really about that one specific relationship that went sour, we might need more information to be able to help. I wouldn’t get angry at someone for eg telling me more than I needed to hear about their digestive state, their tax situation, or a movie they hated — I might just choose someone else to sit next to at the next party — which makes me think there might be some other important detail you have left out.
posted by eirias at 9:01 AM on July 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: @eirias I accused a Professor was attracted to me and they were and in denial of it and got insecure and angry and shut me out and that that was private information and they got angry.
posted by RearWindow at 9:03 AM on July 30, 2023
posted by RearWindow at 9:03 AM on July 30, 2023
So are you the "friend" in your previous Ask? Well in that case, you directly accused someone of something pretty serious, which as some comments in that previous Ask noted, didn't seem so cut and dry. But in any case, you can't expect to accuse someone of misconduct, and expect them not to react badly. I wouldn't call this an example of over-sharing though.
posted by coffeecat at 9:14 AM on July 30, 2023 [37 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 9:14 AM on July 30, 2023 [37 favorites]
I think it’s significant that, while you say you tend to overshare, you have actually really UNDERSHARED in this question - I mean, you have been deliberately vague as to the exact circumstances you’re asking about. To me this suggests that you do at least somewhat have the capacity to draw a line between “things that should be shared” and “things that should not be shared” but perhaps the WAY you are distinguishing them is the issue.
Can you tell us what your thought process was behind not providing any details in this question?
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:27 AM on July 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
Can you tell us what your thought process was behind not providing any details in this question?
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:27 AM on July 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
You say you knew what their staring meant. But you also say you have trouble reading cues. So what makes you feel so certain of what this person was thinking?
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:33 AM on July 30, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:33 AM on July 30, 2023 [19 favorites]
I'm a bit confused - is this a different prof than in the previous question? were you the friend in the previous question?
It sounds like you might be quickly confronting people with accusations that they're attracted to you based on the amount/how they look at you. If that's where these accusations/worries of oversharing are coming up, I don't think the above advice will help that much. I might try reframing your question as about the eye contact/how to get people to stop looking at you in these ways without confronting them about the eye contact directly - it doesn't sound like this is oversharing, exactly.
posted by sagc at 9:38 AM on July 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you might be quickly confronting people with accusations that they're attracted to you based on the amount/how they look at you. If that's where these accusations/worries of oversharing are coming up, I don't think the above advice will help that much. I might try reframing your question as about the eye contact/how to get people to stop looking at you in these ways without confronting them about the eye contact directly - it doesn't sound like this is oversharing, exactly.
posted by sagc at 9:38 AM on July 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Here is a subject to always, always avoid: your own interpretation of someone else's intimate thoughts.
Unless you're in an established intimate relationship ... and even then, probably better to ask than to tell.
Always.
posted by Dashy at 9:44 AM on July 30, 2023 [31 favorites]
Unless you're in an established intimate relationship ... and even then, probably better to ask than to tell.
Always.
posted by Dashy at 9:44 AM on July 30, 2023 [31 favorites]
Oversharing is telling someone too much information about your personal life. Telling your boss that you can't come to work because you have explosive diarrhea or telling a date that your previous partner was just the worst in bed. The other person has to think of something unpleasant or has to think of you in a very personal situation when they're just not that close to you.
What you're talking about sounds more like an accusation of sexual harassment. I'm not a professor, but if I had someone in a less powerful position--like a student--say that they thought I was leering at them, my natural reaction would be defensive, whether I was staring or not. What kind of reaction did you expect from your professor?
posted by kingdead at 9:44 AM on July 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
What you're talking about sounds more like an accusation of sexual harassment. I'm not a professor, but if I had someone in a less powerful position--like a student--say that they thought I was leering at them, my natural reaction would be defensive, whether I was staring or not. What kind of reaction did you expect from your professor?
posted by kingdead at 9:44 AM on July 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Any time you "accuse" someone of something, you can expect them to be defensive and upset . If they flatly disagree that they're guilty, they will almost certainly be angry. This is even more true when you're ascribing feelings and motivations to people rather than just actions (ie "you're attracted to me" vs "you took $20 from my wallet"). Using inflammatory language will also stoke people's anger. If someone told me I was leering at them, I would be embarrassed and defensive. If someone told me that I was looking at them "lustfully", with a "copulation gaze", I would feel that they were sexually harassing me.
posted by umwelt at 9:50 AM on July 30, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by umwelt at 9:50 AM on July 30, 2023 [17 favorites]
Okay, yeah - what you’re describing here has nothing to do with “over-sharing.” You accused someone in a position of power over you of inappropriate behavior. That’s observation and accusation, but not over-sharing. (It seems a bit tangential to your actual issue, but over sharing would be like, if you told this story in a job interview.)
What happened here was that you accused someone of something that could ruin their career and life. That pretty much has two possible outcomes: you misunderstood what happened and now an innocent person is terrified, or you understood exactly what happened and now the guilty person is angry and will deny it. There was no way you could have “toned down” this particular interaction, it was by its very nature going to be an intense and difficult conversation.
Rules of thumb like not talking about sex or religion at work will get you a long way with day to day stuff. Not things like this.
posted by Stacey at 9:57 AM on July 30, 2023 [18 favorites]
What happened here was that you accused someone of something that could ruin their career and life. That pretty much has two possible outcomes: you misunderstood what happened and now an innocent person is terrified, or you understood exactly what happened and now the guilty person is angry and will deny it. There was no way you could have “toned down” this particular interaction, it was by its very nature going to be an intense and difficult conversation.
Rules of thumb like not talking about sex or religion at work will get you a long way with day to day stuff. Not things like this.
posted by Stacey at 9:57 AM on July 30, 2023 [18 favorites]
It's oversharing if you're running your mouth about Prof. Copulation Gaze to total randos. Why would you even bring it up to other people?
posted by fluttering hellfire at 10:09 AM on July 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by fluttering hellfire at 10:09 AM on July 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
This professor did indeed sexually leer at me because when I confronted them they got defensive and in the next seminar they were embarrassed and guilt-ridden looking and looked ashamed to even look at me.
Imagine someone accused you of leering at them, when you weren't actually leering at them. Would you not also get defensive? Would you not feel a bit awkward around that person in future interactions, and avoid looking at them? And gently, given that you admit you're bad at reading social cues, how are you sure they looked "guilt-ridden."?
Especially given that you told this person they were looking at you inappropriately, the fact they avoided looking at you next class is completely logical- if a student made such complaint against me when I wasn't actually leering at them, I too would avoid looking at them. Not only for my self-protection, but to ensure that they felt comfortable in my classroom.
I know Metafilter generally discourages bringing up people's past posts, but you do see a bit fixated on eye-contact as proof of sexual attraction. In the past year you shared that you had a hunch your therapist was attracted to you because you "kept exchanging glances" and "intense eye contact." You also seem to find the classroom a sexually charged space, because in addition to this question and the previous question, you also developed intense sexual feelings for a professor to the point it impacted your mental health.
Besides the eye-contact theme, it's also striking to me that you're maybe apt to find sexual energy in contexts where there are professionals paid to care about you. Professors are not therapists, but at least in my own pedagogy training, we are taught that good teaching requires doing the best we can to get to know our students as people and to provide what sometimes gets referred to as "pastoral care." So, like in therapy, there is a sort of intimacy that develops in classrooms - but intimacy is not always sexual. Are you not perhaps conflating intimacy with sexuality? They overlap, but they're different.
Going forward, before the first day of class I would email your professors, letting them know you have a sensitivity around eye-contact and to request that they avoid looking at you when you're not speaking. I'm sure they'll be happy to accommodate you, particularly if you link this to being on the spectrum.
posted by coffeecat at 10:31 AM on July 30, 2023 [54 favorites]
Imagine someone accused you of leering at them, when you weren't actually leering at them. Would you not also get defensive? Would you not feel a bit awkward around that person in future interactions, and avoid looking at them? And gently, given that you admit you're bad at reading social cues, how are you sure they looked "guilt-ridden."?
Especially given that you told this person they were looking at you inappropriately, the fact they avoided looking at you next class is completely logical- if a student made such complaint against me when I wasn't actually leering at them, I too would avoid looking at them. Not only for my self-protection, but to ensure that they felt comfortable in my classroom.
I know Metafilter generally discourages bringing up people's past posts, but you do see a bit fixated on eye-contact as proof of sexual attraction. In the past year you shared that you had a hunch your therapist was attracted to you because you "kept exchanging glances" and "intense eye contact." You also seem to find the classroom a sexually charged space, because in addition to this question and the previous question, you also developed intense sexual feelings for a professor to the point it impacted your mental health.
Besides the eye-contact theme, it's also striking to me that you're maybe apt to find sexual energy in contexts where there are professionals paid to care about you. Professors are not therapists, but at least in my own pedagogy training, we are taught that good teaching requires doing the best we can to get to know our students as people and to provide what sometimes gets referred to as "pastoral care." So, like in therapy, there is a sort of intimacy that develops in classrooms - but intimacy is not always sexual. Are you not perhaps conflating intimacy with sexuality? They overlap, but they're different.
Going forward, before the first day of class I would email your professors, letting them know you have a sensitivity around eye-contact and to request that they avoid looking at you when you're not speaking. I'm sure they'll be happy to accommodate you, particularly if you link this to being on the spectrum.
posted by coffeecat at 10:31 AM on July 30, 2023 [54 favorites]
I just want to re-emphasize that you have no guarantee that your mental model of another person is accurate. Several other people have clearly explained that there are multiple explanations for the prof's behavior and reaction that are reasonable, so I don't have much to add there.
I think it's totally reasonable to say something along the lines of "I feel uncomfortable with people looking at me. Please stop making eye contact if I'm not speaking," if you feel that you're being stared at. That's an external behavior that can clearly be observed and changed. It's a somewhat intense/charged request and may still be offputting, but it's a concrete request about a concrete behavior.
I don't think it's fair to say "you were staring at me so clearly that's a copulation gaze and you were lusting after me." That's a bunch of assumptions that may or may not be accurate, and making accusations based on those assumptions is, as you experienced, not likely to go well because harassment is a Big Deal and regardless of whether it's accurate, it's reasonable that people are going to react strongly.
On preview, I also want to strongly second everything coffeecat wrote.
posted by Alterscape at 10:36 AM on July 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
I think it's totally reasonable to say something along the lines of "I feel uncomfortable with people looking at me. Please stop making eye contact if I'm not speaking," if you feel that you're being stared at. That's an external behavior that can clearly be observed and changed. It's a somewhat intense/charged request and may still be offputting, but it's a concrete request about a concrete behavior.
I don't think it's fair to say "you were staring at me so clearly that's a copulation gaze and you were lusting after me." That's a bunch of assumptions that may or may not be accurate, and making accusations based on those assumptions is, as you experienced, not likely to go well because harassment is a Big Deal and regardless of whether it's accurate, it's reasonable that people are going to react strongly.
On preview, I also want to strongly second everything coffeecat wrote.
posted by Alterscape at 10:36 AM on July 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
you may have been right initially and people can often sense these things without being able to prove them, which is why it is so unpleasant. but the reaction you describe is not evidence of any guilt feelings or wrongdoing! any decent person who was informed they had made some one uncomfortable by looking at them would take care NOT to look at them after that. they know you are watching and analyzing their gaze, because you told them so, so they changed their behavior in response to your complaint.
didn’t you want them to? wouldn’t you do the same thing in their place?
I don’t know if you over-share in the way most people mean that. you do sound more willing than the average person to force a confrontation when you feel mistreated. this can be a very good quality to have, as long as you are prepared to be wrong sometimes. but your reasoning and intuition about other people’s reactions and motivations seems extremely unreliable, and overconfidence about that can be dangerous. your observations seem very tangled up with your speculations. it is fine to speculate about what other people are thinking but you have to know that you’re doing it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:42 AM on July 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
didn’t you want them to? wouldn’t you do the same thing in their place?
I don’t know if you over-share in the way most people mean that. you do sound more willing than the average person to force a confrontation when you feel mistreated. this can be a very good quality to have, as long as you are prepared to be wrong sometimes. but your reasoning and intuition about other people’s reactions and motivations seems extremely unreliable, and overconfidence about that can be dangerous. your observations seem very tangled up with your speculations. it is fine to speculate about what other people are thinking but you have to know that you’re doing it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:42 AM on July 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Well, refocusing from some commenters' fixation on the professor incident. As a chronic oversharer, I think it can be helpful to try to imagine what the other person is looking for in an interaction, and what you are looking for, and to try and find things to say which address both goals. In a cafe, when a barista asks 'how are you' their goal is not to have a conversation about how you are doing, but to try to make you feel welcome in the cafe and earn a tip. You might be feeling stressed about something unrelated and want to be honest about that so you might say 'im feeling stressed, and I would like to order a scone and a tea to help me feel better. How are you?' Some people still may consider this oversharing, but at least you are not going into the details of you stress.
If you have the ability to read people in conversation, you can keep an eye on how they respond and adjust accordingly. Usually a reciprocal comment about their stress might indicate that your sharing was well received, you can laugh and finish ordering. An avoidance of what you said, like if they simply ask what size of tea, might tell you that they feel you've overshared and should follow their lead and finish the order.
DirtyOldTown has good advice for a professional situation.
posted by Summers at 10:44 AM on July 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you have the ability to read people in conversation, you can keep an eye on how they respond and adjust accordingly. Usually a reciprocal comment about their stress might indicate that your sharing was well received, you can laugh and finish ordering. An avoidance of what you said, like if they simply ask what size of tea, might tell you that they feel you've overshared and should follow their lead and finish the order.
DirtyOldTown has good advice for a professional situation.
posted by Summers at 10:44 AM on July 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Consider that since you are on the spectrum, your interpretation of intense eye contact and elevator eyes may not be the same as other people’s interpretations, as it seems to be a recurring theme.
Check in with a close friend what their interpretation is, and not go directly to the person with ‘elevator eyes’ about the situation as it may raise hostile feelings especially if you have interpreted wrong.
We all interpret social situations wrong from time to time, so it is always worthwhile checking with close friends.
Also your question is very different to the actual underlying issue here: you asked a question about oversharing, when this has nothing to do with oversharing. Consider also that you may not yet have the social skills to tell certain situations apart.
posted by moiraine at 11:25 AM on July 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
Check in with a close friend what their interpretation is, and not go directly to the person with ‘elevator eyes’ about the situation as it may raise hostile feelings especially if you have interpreted wrong.
We all interpret social situations wrong from time to time, so it is always worthwhile checking with close friends.
Also your question is very different to the actual underlying issue here: you asked a question about oversharing, when this has nothing to do with oversharing. Consider also that you may not yet have the social skills to tell certain situations apart.
posted by moiraine at 11:25 AM on July 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
wait wait wait wait. suppose you were right about all of it - prof was checking you out, denying it was a lie, now they are uncomfortable and won’t look at you or approach you at all.
why do you want anything to have gone differently?? in sexual harassment situations this is the dream resolution! we should all be so lucky! we should all have total confidence in our ability to read an aggressor, confront them without backing down, put the discomfort on them where it belongs, and make them stop the unwanted behavior! why in the world are you trying to train yourself out of fixing problems?
it is true that I and many others doubt your interpretation. but - you don’t! you’re sure you were right! and if you were right, you did everything right. so what is your own issue with what you did?
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:34 AM on July 30, 2023 [26 favorites]
why do you want anything to have gone differently?? in sexual harassment situations this is the dream resolution! we should all be so lucky! we should all have total confidence in our ability to read an aggressor, confront them without backing down, put the discomfort on them where it belongs, and make them stop the unwanted behavior! why in the world are you trying to train yourself out of fixing problems?
it is true that I and many others doubt your interpretation. but - you don’t! you’re sure you were right! and if you were right, you did everything right. so what is your own issue with what you did?
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:34 AM on July 30, 2023 [26 favorites]
In your update, did you mean you told someone else about your professor's conduct, and the person to whom you told this got cross at you for oversharing?
Because that's the only way your question and update make sense to me as an example of oversharing?
Consider this: when you tell people private things about yourself, a part of their brain power is subconsciously not focused on you, on empathising with you, imagining themselves in your shoes, connecting with you. It is focussed on the relationship between you and them. That part of their brain is processing "why is OP telling me this private thing even though we are not close, what reaction does OP expect of me, how does this change our relationship."
Intimate topics are for intimate relationships.
You say you don't recognise what is personal and what isn't. I think that personal things are the ones that, once you tell them, can be used to hurt you. So you only tell them to people you trust. That's why people start off with small talk (ex: intimacy level 1 - the weather) and then gradually tell more personal details (intimacy level 2 - interests you care about, opinions you are a little touchy about). They see whether the other person treats these with care. If they like what they see, they will eventually trust their new friend with really private things (up until intimacy level 100 - something like trouble with their child or partner).
You can't skip levels ordinarily. If you're both on level 2 and you blast them with something that feels to them like a potential level 100 - sexual harassment topic) that often makes the other person uncomfortable. They don't trust you that much yet to reciprocate and they don't understand why you would trust them.
So what is "too personal" depends on how personal the relationship was so far (and on what the other person is like). It's not a binary yes/no thing.
If you make a bid to share personal things, that can be seen as a power move with which you unilaterally try to force a more inimate relationship on the other person. One, where the other person has to be a good friend: take your side against the professor, listen to unpleasant things, share equally intimate things with you from their own life. Things good friends do for each other.
Some people don't want that, or if they do, then not that fast.
You aren't just you, broadcasting yourself at other people regardless of what they choose to broadcast in return. You are part of a relationship network with everyone who knows you. What kind of things you tell them, the level of privacy, impacts the nature of your relationship with these people. You can't expect people to just hear the pure unguarded you and not react like "??? Are we now on a best friend basis? I never asked for this!"
posted by Omnomnom at 12:21 PM on July 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
Because that's the only way your question and update make sense to me as an example of oversharing?
Consider this: when you tell people private things about yourself, a part of their brain power is subconsciously not focused on you, on empathising with you, imagining themselves in your shoes, connecting with you. It is focussed on the relationship between you and them. That part of their brain is processing "why is OP telling me this private thing even though we are not close, what reaction does OP expect of me, how does this change our relationship."
Intimate topics are for intimate relationships.
You say you don't recognise what is personal and what isn't. I think that personal things are the ones that, once you tell them, can be used to hurt you. So you only tell them to people you trust. That's why people start off with small talk (ex: intimacy level 1 - the weather) and then gradually tell more personal details (intimacy level 2 - interests you care about, opinions you are a little touchy about). They see whether the other person treats these with care. If they like what they see, they will eventually trust their new friend with really private things (up until intimacy level 100 - something like trouble with their child or partner).
You can't skip levels ordinarily. If you're both on level 2 and you blast them with something that feels to them like a potential level 100 - sexual harassment topic) that often makes the other person uncomfortable. They don't trust you that much yet to reciprocate and they don't understand why you would trust them.
So what is "too personal" depends on how personal the relationship was so far (and on what the other person is like). It's not a binary yes/no thing.
If you make a bid to share personal things, that can be seen as a power move with which you unilaterally try to force a more inimate relationship on the other person. One, where the other person has to be a good friend: take your side against the professor, listen to unpleasant things, share equally intimate things with you from their own life. Things good friends do for each other.
Some people don't want that, or if they do, then not that fast.
You aren't just you, broadcasting yourself at other people regardless of what they choose to broadcast in return. You are part of a relationship network with everyone who knows you. What kind of things you tell them, the level of privacy, impacts the nature of your relationship with these people. You can't expect people to just hear the pure unguarded you and not react like "??? Are we now on a best friend basis? I never asked for this!"
posted by Omnomnom at 12:21 PM on July 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
Building on what queenofbithynia said, what was your intention in telling your professor this? Unless you are dependent on the professor for a grade or recommendation, this is not a bad resolution to the situation--less time with a person who you feel uncomfortable with.
Did you expect the professor to admit that yes, they were attracted to you? Were you trying to start a relationship? Or did you expect the professor to calmly admit to bad behavior and apologize? Which would be nice in a perfect world but humans just don't work that way.
posted by kingdead at 12:23 PM on July 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Did you expect the professor to admit that yes, they were attracted to you? Were you trying to start a relationship? Or did you expect the professor to calmly admit to bad behavior and apologize? Which would be nice in a perfect world but humans just don't work that way.
posted by kingdead at 12:23 PM on July 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
What might fall in the category of “oversharing” if we really stretch the definition is that you’re stating your private assumptions and narratives as though they’re indisputable facts.
Sharing that you’ve noticed more eye contact than you’re comfortable with and requesting less isn’t overharing or weaving a narrative that will put a reasonable professional teacher on the defensive.
Telling your professor they’re lusting after you and obviously want to fuck you as though that’s gospel fact does share more of your inner workings than may be warranted, and will make someone react defensively whether your conclusions are right, wrong, (or slightly right, or extremely wrong.)
So in general, if your question is how to avoid strong defensive reactions, my advice would be to stick more to the facts and less to the stories you’ve made from the facts. And be mindful of what you want to get out of sharing what you’ve shared and that you cannot control anyone’s reaction.
Are you getting any professional support for understanding and managing your autism spectrum related issues? I ask because a) it can be very helpful to prepare for discussions like the one you reference with a professional, and b) the diagnosis isn’t formally called Asperger’s anymore (though that’s still used colloquially,) so it may be that there’s more current and relevant info and approaches that might be useful for you.
posted by kapers at 12:39 PM on July 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Sharing that you’ve noticed more eye contact than you’re comfortable with and requesting less isn’t overharing or weaving a narrative that will put a reasonable professional teacher on the defensive.
Telling your professor they’re lusting after you and obviously want to fuck you as though that’s gospel fact does share more of your inner workings than may be warranted, and will make someone react defensively whether your conclusions are right, wrong, (or slightly right, or extremely wrong.)
So in general, if your question is how to avoid strong defensive reactions, my advice would be to stick more to the facts and less to the stories you’ve made from the facts. And be mindful of what you want to get out of sharing what you’ve shared and that you cannot control anyone’s reaction.
Are you getting any professional support for understanding and managing your autism spectrum related issues? I ask because a) it can be very helpful to prepare for discussions like the one you reference with a professional, and b) the diagnosis isn’t formally called Asperger’s anymore (though that’s still used colloquially,) so it may be that there’s more current and relevant info and approaches that might be useful for you.
posted by kapers at 12:39 PM on July 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
I wonder if eye contact feels especially intense to you because you are on the spectrum. And I wonder if you unconsciously believe that an intense thing you are feeling, is (a) shared by the person you are talking to, and/or (b) was caused by them deliberately. That would make sense, based on my understanding of autism. It’s also going to be wrong a huge amount of the time, and when it involves sex, being forthrightly wrong in this way is going to blow up on you.
posted by eirias at 12:55 PM on July 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by eirias at 12:55 PM on July 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
I had an ex on the spectrum, and a big point of contention we had was their habit of 'mind reading', their belief that they could always accurately interpret other people's thoughts and intentions.
Once they believed they had your 'cheat code' no amount of outside information could convince them that they didn't know your feelings and motivations better than you did yourself. This caused no end of communication issues, and was frustrating for everyone involved!
I mention it because it sounds like you may be using a similar framework to make sense of the world. I'm not weighing in on the complex issues you're having with your professor, but I am questioning whether that approach sounds familiar to you. It may not be serving you well, and could explain why people seem angry with you in ways you don't think make sense.
TLDR: Pattern recognition is not mind reading
posted by Space Kitty at 1:33 PM on July 30, 2023 [37 favorites]
Once they believed they had your 'cheat code' no amount of outside information could convince them that they didn't know your feelings and motivations better than you did yourself. This caused no end of communication issues, and was frustrating for everyone involved!
I mention it because it sounds like you may be using a similar framework to make sense of the world. I'm not weighing in on the complex issues you're having with your professor, but I am questioning whether that approach sounds familiar to you. It may not be serving you well, and could explain why people seem angry with you in ways you don't think make sense.
TLDR: Pattern recognition is not mind reading
posted by Space Kitty at 1:33 PM on July 30, 2023 [37 favorites]
Hi. I'm autistic, too. (Damn, this comment thread is intense.)
It seems like you might be describing a phenomenon that I am well familiar with. I'm going to talk about me, because I know that topic, and maybe something I say will be useful for you.
I get a lot of information from social interactions, like, way too much. I have developed a discipline in my interactions because that is necessary, and it goes like this: I allow myself to respond immediately to any stimulus that a camera on my shoulder would have also picked up on. Concealed motivations, insincerity, lust, all those inputs get tracked into an "unofficial" channel in my consideration. They are private to me and I use them to determine my safety. Even when these things feel as clear on a sensory level as the color of someone's hair, I give them "hunch" status. As more information comes in that could be overtly observed, I might use my hunches to inform my overt questions. I try to hold myself in care with no attachment to being right, which helps keep me from hurling accusations disguised as questions. The difference between privacy and secrecy is helpful. Private things can be unsure, and they can walk out into the light when it's their time. Privacy has no guile.
I have been deeply hurt by creating narratives to justify ignoring my hunches outright. I have been deeply hurt by treating them as though anyone else can detect what created them. It's definitely a balance, but giving mine a holding zone of sorts that requires objectively observable further information in order to change their status has been really helpful to me.
A lot of neurotypical social convention (sorry guys) seems to me to be that when you name the elephant in the room, you have to leave the room. It's not ideal, it's not fair, it's very steeped in hierarchy and power, but focusing myself on making sure it's an elephant before I call it one has given me a good practice in buying myself some buffer time. Time to become more aware of my own unconscious desires and fears and how they might be informing the situation, time to determine my general level of safety in the environment, time to gather more information that might hone my hunch.
Becoming more aware of my boundaries and my need/strategies to establish/enforce them has also done wonders for not violating other people's. All you know is your own self, and keeping things you say within that frame is helpful. Oversharing about yourself? I still do that shit. It lets me know who would use that ammo to hurt me and then I know. Oversharing about what you sense is happening within other people? Be excruciatingly disciplined about that, as in, don't. Hold that stuff to a standard of objective observability. Be able to reference a specific thing they said or did and then affirmed from your clarifying question. Steer your own body to a sense of safety, but stay out of other people's privates until they invite you.
posted by droomoord at 6:45 AM on August 1, 2023 [11 favorites]
It seems like you might be describing a phenomenon that I am well familiar with. I'm going to talk about me, because I know that topic, and maybe something I say will be useful for you.
I get a lot of information from social interactions, like, way too much. I have developed a discipline in my interactions because that is necessary, and it goes like this: I allow myself to respond immediately to any stimulus that a camera on my shoulder would have also picked up on. Concealed motivations, insincerity, lust, all those inputs get tracked into an "unofficial" channel in my consideration. They are private to me and I use them to determine my safety. Even when these things feel as clear on a sensory level as the color of someone's hair, I give them "hunch" status. As more information comes in that could be overtly observed, I might use my hunches to inform my overt questions. I try to hold myself in care with no attachment to being right, which helps keep me from hurling accusations disguised as questions. The difference between privacy and secrecy is helpful. Private things can be unsure, and they can walk out into the light when it's their time. Privacy has no guile.
I have been deeply hurt by creating narratives to justify ignoring my hunches outright. I have been deeply hurt by treating them as though anyone else can detect what created them. It's definitely a balance, but giving mine a holding zone of sorts that requires objectively observable further information in order to change their status has been really helpful to me.
A lot of neurotypical social convention (sorry guys) seems to me to be that when you name the elephant in the room, you have to leave the room. It's not ideal, it's not fair, it's very steeped in hierarchy and power, but focusing myself on making sure it's an elephant before I call it one has given me a good practice in buying myself some buffer time. Time to become more aware of my own unconscious desires and fears and how they might be informing the situation, time to determine my general level of safety in the environment, time to gather more information that might hone my hunch.
Becoming more aware of my boundaries and my need/strategies to establish/enforce them has also done wonders for not violating other people's. All you know is your own self, and keeping things you say within that frame is helpful. Oversharing about yourself? I still do that shit. It lets me know who would use that ammo to hurt me and then I know. Oversharing about what you sense is happening within other people? Be excruciatingly disciplined about that, as in, don't. Hold that stuff to a standard of objective observability. Be able to reference a specific thing they said or did and then affirmed from your clarifying question. Steer your own body to a sense of safety, but stay out of other people's privates until they invite you.
posted by droomoord at 6:45 AM on August 1, 2023 [11 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Why did this work so well? Sexism. Not relating to me, really. What I mean is that, this is, as well all know, a remarkably sexist world, which is constantly at the ready to pick apart professional women for any shortcoming or difference, real or imagined, from their peers. And so, when you are looking at a very successful woman within the office, you are looking at someone who is positively superlative at interpersonal communication. You are looking at someone surrounded by landmines, regularly fired upon by hostiles, who still seems to glide through largely unscathed. They are playing office politics on the hardest possible settings and succeeding and you can learn things from them.
So learn. Pay attention to the choices they make on what to share, what not to share, how to approach people, when to speak, when to wait.
If you have to learn this game in the abstract because your instincts are not what they could be, best to study someone who has it down cold.
(Oh hey, and not for nothing, but maybe do what you can to promote and highlight your role model colleague's superlative skills. Just because the game can be against them, doesn't mean you can't be on their side.)
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:53 AM on July 30, 2023 [29 favorites]