How do I manage this difficult friendship?
June 29, 2023 8:07 AM Subscribe
I have been friends with a person for many years, we've experienced a lot together. But I have always struggled with her tendency towards passive aggression, abrasiveness and criticism. She scolds me for being a bad friend and I'm wondering whether I am. Recently I asked her to not speak to me in such a harsh manner and it didn't go very well, and I don't feel enthused to carry on the friendship at the moment, but also worried I am not treating the friendship with the gravity it deserves. Please help me through my tangled thoughts?
I have known my friend since university, and we lived together for a number of years. Personality-wise we're pretty different, I'm quite calm if conflict averse and passive in a way I'm aware I need to improve, and she's always ran hot and likes difficult theoretical conversions.
Most of the time we have managed these differences, but there has been a tendency from her to be passive aggressive and overtly critical. She has had difficult experiences in the past with abandonment and mental health issues which I think sometimes informs her response to situations. Mainly, she gets angry and suggests I don't make an effort with her. This can particularly happen when she sees me spending time with other friends, which had led to her in the past texting me passive aggressively for not getting back to messages she had sent a few hours ago when she can see I'm hanging out with other friends. She once commented on one of my social media posts from the past that I used to 'make more of an effort then.'
Things had been a bit better recently. She certainly does reach out more than I do, but we maybe catch up once a month, and I do make an effort to reach out when I have availability. Recently I reached out asking to hang out to which she didn't get back to me for a few days. When she did, I said that was totally cool and maybe we could hang out the next week, but then stuff happened that week and I didn't firm up the details. She then sent me a passive aggressive message clearly irritated at me, to which I apologised for not firming up plans but asked her to not send messages like that as it hurt my feelings. She, as she always does, initially lashed about it and denied the intent behind her message as aggressive and accusatory, saying that I was exaggerating. She apologised, yes, but there was still an element of hostility behind it and it left me wanting.
But, at the same time, I'm not making as much effort with her as I once did, when we were younger. And also, I feel like I am treading on eggshells, that there is underlying resentment and tension there. When I'm with her, I enjoy it for the moment but I don't feel any desire to deepen the friendship, and it feels like we are growing more distant, and I don't know if I want to change that.
So, I haven't responded to her last message, and I do feel awful about that, but also very conflicted. If I get back in touch and we make everything okay again, will the behaviour and dynamic change? Some of my other friends say perhaps we should meet up, but I'm so scared of her flying off the handle if I say I want to pare the relationship back. And my enthusiasm for it has kind of gone, as it feels draining.
My question I suppose is what would you do in this situation? Do you think it's worth saving the friendship? What can I respond to her that is kind and mature but asserts my boundaries?
I have known my friend since university, and we lived together for a number of years. Personality-wise we're pretty different, I'm quite calm if conflict averse and passive in a way I'm aware I need to improve, and she's always ran hot and likes difficult theoretical conversions.
Most of the time we have managed these differences, but there has been a tendency from her to be passive aggressive and overtly critical. She has had difficult experiences in the past with abandonment and mental health issues which I think sometimes informs her response to situations. Mainly, she gets angry and suggests I don't make an effort with her. This can particularly happen when she sees me spending time with other friends, which had led to her in the past texting me passive aggressively for not getting back to messages she had sent a few hours ago when she can see I'm hanging out with other friends. She once commented on one of my social media posts from the past that I used to 'make more of an effort then.'
Things had been a bit better recently. She certainly does reach out more than I do, but we maybe catch up once a month, and I do make an effort to reach out when I have availability. Recently I reached out asking to hang out to which she didn't get back to me for a few days. When she did, I said that was totally cool and maybe we could hang out the next week, but then stuff happened that week and I didn't firm up the details. She then sent me a passive aggressive message clearly irritated at me, to which I apologised for not firming up plans but asked her to not send messages like that as it hurt my feelings. She, as she always does, initially lashed about it and denied the intent behind her message as aggressive and accusatory, saying that I was exaggerating. She apologised, yes, but there was still an element of hostility behind it and it left me wanting.
But, at the same time, I'm not making as much effort with her as I once did, when we were younger. And also, I feel like I am treading on eggshells, that there is underlying resentment and tension there. When I'm with her, I enjoy it for the moment but I don't feel any desire to deepen the friendship, and it feels like we are growing more distant, and I don't know if I want to change that.
So, I haven't responded to her last message, and I do feel awful about that, but also very conflicted. If I get back in touch and we make everything okay again, will the behaviour and dynamic change? Some of my other friends say perhaps we should meet up, but I'm so scared of her flying off the handle if I say I want to pare the relationship back. And my enthusiasm for it has kind of gone, as it feels draining.
My question I suppose is what would you do in this situation? Do you think it's worth saving the friendship? What can I respond to her that is kind and mature but asserts my boundaries?
If I get back in touch and we make everything okay again, will the behaviour and dynamic change?
Not unless you change it, no. It's been going on for years and is unlikely to evolve unless something else changes.
Does *she* make plans with *you* or does she just wait for you to do all the work and then gripe about the frequency/manner in which you do it? Because if it's the latter, then explicitly saying "hey, if you want to hang out, you're welcome to reach out, but I can't be the one always responsible for making plans. It is exhausting for me and doesn't seem to satisfy you." If she does make plans and gets snippy about always being the one to make them, saying out loud "I'm up for hanging out about once a month, given my current schedule. If that works for you, how about we [insert plan here]?" and try to make a suggestion about every other time.
And if she "flies off the handle" when you're together, the kindest and most appropriate thing to do would be to say "I am not ok with being talked to like that. I'm going to leave now." And then leave. And if you don't get an actual apology, just drop her. Verbal abuse is not a component of a healthy adult friendship. At all.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:32 AM on June 29, 2023 [10 favorites]
Not unless you change it, no. It's been going on for years and is unlikely to evolve unless something else changes.
Does *she* make plans with *you* or does she just wait for you to do all the work and then gripe about the frequency/manner in which you do it? Because if it's the latter, then explicitly saying "hey, if you want to hang out, you're welcome to reach out, but I can't be the one always responsible for making plans. It is exhausting for me and doesn't seem to satisfy you." If she does make plans and gets snippy about always being the one to make them, saying out loud "I'm up for hanging out about once a month, given my current schedule. If that works for you, how about we [insert plan here]?" and try to make a suggestion about every other time.
And if she "flies off the handle" when you're together, the kindest and most appropriate thing to do would be to say "I am not ok with being talked to like that. I'm going to leave now." And then leave. And if you don't get an actual apology, just drop her. Verbal abuse is not a component of a healthy adult friendship. At all.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:32 AM on June 29, 2023 [10 favorites]
It's OK for relationships to end. All relationships have to contain that possibility for them to be anything approaching healthy for the people involved.
posted by mhoye at 8:44 AM on June 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 8:44 AM on June 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
You don't sound like a bad friend to me. It does sound like this friend values the friendship more than you do, which is a common thing to happen, but can be tricky to manage if the person who values the friendship more is unable to take that fact in stride.
I wouldn't cut this friend off per se, but I'd practice being more assertive of your legitimate needs, and being firm in letting her know when she's out of line. So, next time she is passive-aggressive with you because you're hanging out with other friends and not responding to her text within a few hours(!), say "Am I not allowed to have friends besides you? I regularly don't respond to text messages immediately, it's nothing personal, I'm this way with everyone. Please respect my right to treat non-urgent messages as well, non-urgent. Thanks." She will either adapt to your reasonable needs, and the friendship will get better, or she'll bow out. Sometimes the kindest thing is telling people what you need from them, and giving them the chance to change.
posted by coffeecat at 8:46 AM on June 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't cut this friend off per se, but I'd practice being more assertive of your legitimate needs, and being firm in letting her know when she's out of line. So, next time she is passive-aggressive with you because you're hanging out with other friends and not responding to her text within a few hours(!), say "Am I not allowed to have friends besides you? I regularly don't respond to text messages immediately, it's nothing personal, I'm this way with everyone. Please respect my right to treat non-urgent messages as well, non-urgent. Thanks." She will either adapt to your reasonable needs, and the friendship will get better, or she'll bow out. Sometimes the kindest thing is telling people what you need from them, and giving them the chance to change.
posted by coffeecat at 8:46 AM on June 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm not making as much effort with her as I once did, when we were younger
Nobody does. When you're in school, you have your classes, maybe some extracurriculars, and maybe a part time job. For most people, especially most traditional students who go to college right out of high school, that means you have a lot of free time, which most people fill by hanging out with friends. Then you graduate, and you get an entry-level job, but you're still living with this roommate, so you still have a lot of free time to hang out. But gradually, the demands of your job increase, you develop hobbies that don't involve drinking or watching TV, you start dating more seriously and maybe get into a long-term relationship, maybe that relationship leads to marriage and even kids. Or maybe you do a lot of volunteer work, or you have a parent whose health is failing and you need to attend to. Or all of the above, or any combination of the above. The point being that, from your late 20s onward, very few people have the time to be social that they did when they were in their early 20s, and what little time you do have is split among more people, since presumably you've met new people. So no, you almost certainly aren't making as much effort as you used to, but that's not the yardstick you should be using to measure.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:48 AM on June 29, 2023 [17 favorites]
Nobody does. When you're in school, you have your classes, maybe some extracurriculars, and maybe a part time job. For most people, especially most traditional students who go to college right out of high school, that means you have a lot of free time, which most people fill by hanging out with friends. Then you graduate, and you get an entry-level job, but you're still living with this roommate, so you still have a lot of free time to hang out. But gradually, the demands of your job increase, you develop hobbies that don't involve drinking or watching TV, you start dating more seriously and maybe get into a long-term relationship, maybe that relationship leads to marriage and even kids. Or maybe you do a lot of volunteer work, or you have a parent whose health is failing and you need to attend to. Or all of the above, or any combination of the above. The point being that, from your late 20s onward, very few people have the time to be social that they did when they were in their early 20s, and what little time you do have is split among more people, since presumably you've met new people. So no, you almost certainly aren't making as much effort as you used to, but that's not the yardstick you should be using to measure.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:48 AM on June 29, 2023 [17 favorites]
You're under no obligation to make any more effort than you feel like making, especially if somebody makes snide passive-aggressive comments that make you not want to spend time with them! Personally, if somebody dared to insinuate to me that I needed to make more effort, that would pretty much guarantee the opposite effect. "Scolding" is not something that belongs in a friendship between equals. Where does she get off thinking she is some kind authority figure in your life?
If your friend wants to hang out more, or follow through on vague "let's get together" type stuff, it's up to her to firm up plans. I'd let her know that you are busy these days, and that if she has specific things to suggest you're happy to look at whether or not they work for you. You don't need to have a bridge-burning conversation, but there's nothing wrong with letting things drift if this friendship is not adding positively to your life.
posted by rpfields at 9:47 AM on June 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
If your friend wants to hang out more, or follow through on vague "let's get together" type stuff, it's up to her to firm up plans. I'd let her know that you are busy these days, and that if she has specific things to suggest you're happy to look at whether or not they work for you. You don't need to have a bridge-burning conversation, but there's nothing wrong with letting things drift if this friendship is not adding positively to your life.
posted by rpfields at 9:47 AM on June 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do you have fun when you're together? That's what I want from my friendships these days. Yes, it's great to have folks with whom to go deep, to talk about hard things, to really get at the world and how it's working for me at any given moment. But I keep that shit for my family lately, and really what I want from most social interactions is a lot of shit-talk, a lightness and comfort, maybe some gardening side by side, a good meal and a chance to chat. Chatting is an underrated social skill in my opinion.
If contemplating social time with this friend fills you with dread, if you feel like your friendship is always and only about discussing the depth and breadth of the friendship itself, that sounds like something I'd be avoiding too. Who wants to spend their precious social/leisure time nitpicking the last time you hung out, or worse, a totally different friendship that this friend doesn't actually have any stake in? A message about how you don't text back while you're in the middle of another friend hang is actually so rude.
Captain Awkward has this advice that amounts to, when you are scaling back on a relationship, find a positive way to hang out in a defined time/place and work to build a string of those positive events, so that you and the friend can see that there are times that are good. Do you enjoy the same tv show/sporting event/craft? Make regular plans to spend time together, and then make it clear that you aren't always available. "Oh, great to hear from you, I'm in the middle of [other thing] but I'll catch up with you next week when we have plans!" See how that works. Maybe having some certainty about when you'll see each other will help that friend relax. If it doesn't work you can always have a harder conversation or pull back entirely.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:31 AM on June 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
If contemplating social time with this friend fills you with dread, if you feel like your friendship is always and only about discussing the depth and breadth of the friendship itself, that sounds like something I'd be avoiding too. Who wants to spend their precious social/leisure time nitpicking the last time you hung out, or worse, a totally different friendship that this friend doesn't actually have any stake in? A message about how you don't text back while you're in the middle of another friend hang is actually so rude.
Captain Awkward has this advice that amounts to, when you are scaling back on a relationship, find a positive way to hang out in a defined time/place and work to build a string of those positive events, so that you and the friend can see that there are times that are good. Do you enjoy the same tv show/sporting event/craft? Make regular plans to spend time together, and then make it clear that you aren't always available. "Oh, great to hear from you, I'm in the middle of [other thing] but I'll catch up with you next week when we have plans!" See how that works. Maybe having some certainty about when you'll see each other will help that friend relax. If it doesn't work you can always have a harder conversation or pull back entirely.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:31 AM on June 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
Sounds like you’ve grown out of the relationship. You now feel you deserve better than this person has to offer, and from your description I’d say that is true.
I’d go with a slow taper but I think it’s time to let this friend slide away. You don’t need to make a big deal about it, but maybe make a private policy that you’ll only meet up when it sounds like a nice way to spend some time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:37 AM on June 29, 2023
I’d go with a slow taper but I think it’s time to let this friend slide away. You don’t need to make a big deal about it, but maybe make a private policy that you’ll only meet up when it sounds like a nice way to spend some time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:37 AM on June 29, 2023
I agree with everyone else that you don't need to interact with her any more than you genuinely enjoy, and if you're sure you want nothing more to do with her, it's okay to take a step back from this friendship without explicitly informing your friend. Start pulling back from the friendship by being too busy to hang out/chat and give one word answers to texts. Be polite when you run into her. If she starts in on you, throw up your hands, say "Whoa," and walk away.
If you w ant to try fixing the friendship (oof, more power to you) then you need to say something like, "I still want to be your friend, but I'm just not a prompt texter! When you expect me to be more prompt, that hurts you and then you get snippy with me which hurts me. Let's not keep doing this." And I guess give it a try? IDK. Totally up to you. It's doubtful whether she will be able to turn this off like a switch, but at least you will have put the problem into explicit words and you may have less guilt about pulling away after you have said this piece.
I wanted to mention one more thing : your friend isn't passive-aggressive. She is consistently direct , vocal, explicit, and up-front with her criticism - which means she's plain "aggressive", not passive-aggressive. I don't blame you for being sick of her! It's exhausting to deal with an aggressive and hostile friend.
However - and this is the point I was leading up to with the semantic nitpick - it does sound like *you* have been passive-aggressive towards her. Unlike her, you haven't been up-front or direct about how you're feeling. You've been building up resentments silently, and acting out your true feelings as avoidance/delayed responses. Your friend's hostile complaints have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, such that these days, she's right when she accuses you of being a bad friend. (What did she expect?) Your feelings have built up to the point where you're done with the friendship entirely. And you know what? That's the classic final outcome of the passive-aggressive style of conflict management: gritted teeth, smile, gritted teeth, smile, gritted teeth, mild attempt at communicating feelings, BOOM.
The ideal way to handle issues in friendships is by being direct without being hostile. In your case, the direct strategy would have been be to -
Step 1: say to her, the very first time she complained that you're being a bad friend, "Haha, no, I'm just not the kind of person who responds quickly to texts. I hope you don't take this as rejection or a lack of interest in our friendship! Because it's not!"
Step 2: And then you'd expect to restate "Nope, I am constitutionally incapable of doing that! Love being your friend though," a few more times (say about 4-5 times) with different situations. Humans need repeated reminders, nobody gets over their ingrained patterns from one conversation.
Step 3: "Hey we've talked about this - I really can't be as responsive as you expect me to be." Cordially change the subject.
Step 4: Give them a meaningful look until they correct themselves and backtrack. Chuckle a bit together and carry on as before.
Step 5: "Ugh, are you STILL giving me a hard time about this?" Cut the conversation short. Hopefully they will apologize.
Step 6: Start pulling back from the friendship by being too busy to hang out/chat and give one word answers to texts. Be polite when you run into her. If she starts in on you, put up your hands, say "Whoa," and walk away.
I hope this detailed explanation is helpful in case you form a friendship with some other aggressive/hostile person in the future! I promise you that most of them won't need you to go beyond Step 4. And if they do, you won't have to put up with them! That's the beauty of direct communication.
posted by MiraK at 11:34 AM on June 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
If you w ant to try fixing the friendship (oof, more power to you) then you need to say something like, "I still want to be your friend, but I'm just not a prompt texter! When you expect me to be more prompt, that hurts you and then you get snippy with me which hurts me. Let's not keep doing this." And I guess give it a try? IDK. Totally up to you. It's doubtful whether she will be able to turn this off like a switch, but at least you will have put the problem into explicit words and you may have less guilt about pulling away after you have said this piece.
I wanted to mention one more thing : your friend isn't passive-aggressive. She is consistently direct , vocal, explicit, and up-front with her criticism - which means she's plain "aggressive", not passive-aggressive. I don't blame you for being sick of her! It's exhausting to deal with an aggressive and hostile friend.
However - and this is the point I was leading up to with the semantic nitpick - it does sound like *you* have been passive-aggressive towards her. Unlike her, you haven't been up-front or direct about how you're feeling. You've been building up resentments silently, and acting out your true feelings as avoidance/delayed responses. Your friend's hostile complaints have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, such that these days, she's right when she accuses you of being a bad friend. (What did she expect?) Your feelings have built up to the point where you're done with the friendship entirely. And you know what? That's the classic final outcome of the passive-aggressive style of conflict management: gritted teeth, smile, gritted teeth, smile, gritted teeth, mild attempt at communicating feelings, BOOM.
The ideal way to handle issues in friendships is by being direct without being hostile. In your case, the direct strategy would have been be to -
Step 1: say to her, the very first time she complained that you're being a bad friend, "Haha, no, I'm just not the kind of person who responds quickly to texts. I hope you don't take this as rejection or a lack of interest in our friendship! Because it's not!"
Step 2: And then you'd expect to restate "Nope, I am constitutionally incapable of doing that! Love being your friend though," a few more times (say about 4-5 times) with different situations. Humans need repeated reminders, nobody gets over their ingrained patterns from one conversation.
Step 3: "Hey we've talked about this - I really can't be as responsive as you expect me to be." Cordially change the subject.
Step 4: Give them a meaningful look until they correct themselves and backtrack. Chuckle a bit together and carry on as before.
Step 5: "Ugh, are you STILL giving me a hard time about this?" Cut the conversation short. Hopefully they will apologize.
Step 6: Start pulling back from the friendship by being too busy to hang out/chat and give one word answers to texts. Be polite when you run into her. If she starts in on you, put up your hands, say "Whoa," and walk away.
I hope this detailed explanation is helpful in case you form a friendship with some other aggressive/hostile person in the future! I promise you that most of them won't need you to go beyond Step 4. And if they do, you won't have to put up with them! That's the beauty of direct communication.
posted by MiraK at 11:34 AM on June 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
If another adult called me, an adult, a bad friend, I'd suggest that they find another friend.
There are dozens of ways to ask for more from a friend, and they all involve direct communication. "I'd like a quick response to this text if possible so I can decide X or Y." "It feels as though you're pulling away from this friendship, is something bothering you?" etc.
It sounds like she's not doing that, but that doesn't mean you can't. "I didn't text you back sooner because I was out with friends. I don't text other people when I'm with you, either." "I've been busy but I'm free on the 12th, want to get lunch that day?" etc.
No apologies, no half-answers because you feel obligated. Next time she's passive-aggressive, don't seek an apology from her either. Instead, tell her to stop or you're out. You don't want bad friends either.
posted by headnsouth at 11:54 AM on June 29, 2023 [11 favorites]
There are dozens of ways to ask for more from a friend, and they all involve direct communication. "I'd like a quick response to this text if possible so I can decide X or Y." "It feels as though you're pulling away from this friendship, is something bothering you?" etc.
It sounds like she's not doing that, but that doesn't mean you can't. "I didn't text you back sooner because I was out with friends. I don't text other people when I'm with you, either." "I've been busy but I'm free on the 12th, want to get lunch that day?" etc.
No apologies, no half-answers because you feel obligated. Next time she's passive-aggressive, don't seek an apology from her either. Instead, tell her to stop or you're out. You don't want bad friends either.
posted by headnsouth at 11:54 AM on June 29, 2023 [11 favorites]
Do you think she's a good friend? Do you like the way she acts toward you? Do you want this dynamic in your life? Your efforts to push back on her hurtful comments have shown you how much she is willing/able to change her behavior in this friendship. If the dynamic were going to change, both of you would need to be invested in changing it.
If you end this friendship, or do a slow fade, she will probably characterize the experience as, "Popcorngirl was a bad friend and she hurt my feelings." But then again, it sounds like she might characterize her friendship with you that way already. You probably wish she could see you as a good friend. You probably can't have that. Her definition of a good friend seems like it probably includes, "calls me as often as I call them," and, "prioritizes our tentative plans over anything that might come up," and, "spends as much time with me as they do with other friends," and, "doesn't get upset when I lash out at them." I don't think you want to be a "good friend" by her definition. Or, at least, I don't think you want to keep trying to be that kind of friend. I think it's burning you out. And it's natural to want her to change her definition so you don't have to wonder, "Was I really a bad friend?" But you can take stock of who you are as a friend--with her, with others--and draw conclusions about this friendship and yourself without changing her mind.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:25 PM on June 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you end this friendship, or do a slow fade, she will probably characterize the experience as, "Popcorngirl was a bad friend and she hurt my feelings." But then again, it sounds like she might characterize her friendship with you that way already. You probably wish she could see you as a good friend. You probably can't have that. Her definition of a good friend seems like it probably includes, "calls me as often as I call them," and, "prioritizes our tentative plans over anything that might come up," and, "spends as much time with me as they do with other friends," and, "doesn't get upset when I lash out at them." I don't think you want to be a "good friend" by her definition. Or, at least, I don't think you want to keep trying to be that kind of friend. I think it's burning you out. And it's natural to want her to change her definition so you don't have to wonder, "Was I really a bad friend?" But you can take stock of who you are as a friend--with her, with others--and draw conclusions about this friendship and yourself without changing her mind.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:25 PM on June 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Mainly, she gets angry and suggests I don't make an effort with her. This can particularly happen when she sees me spending time with other friends, which had led to her in the past texting me passive aggressively for not getting back to messages she had sent a few hours ago when she can see I'm hanging out with other friends. She once commented on one of my social media posts from the past that I used to 'make more of an effort then.'
Oof, this is tough. People can really be their own worst enemies at times. Your friend is hurt that she feels like you don't spend as much time with her as before, and her response to that is to lash out at you and accuse you of being a bad friend, which is only driving you away and making you want to avoid her. It's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We can definitely work on our childhood issues and trauma through friendships, but only if we are honest with ourselves and work to manage our own behavior. If she were in a place to say to you, "Hey, I'm so sorry I lashed out at you; I was hurt that you didn't respond right away and then saw that you were spending time with other people and I felt bad, but that was about my insecurities, and not actually your behavior," well, then I'd say maybe give her another chance.
Right now she's in that "finding the bad guy" place, where she's blaming you for her hurt feelings instead of 1) owning her issues and insecurities and 2) communicating directly and kindly that the shift in your friendship is difficult for her. She's seeing your spending time with other people as a rejection of her. This isn't your fault and you are not obligated to keep being friends with her.
The social media criticism would probably be it for me. I want friendships where we lift each other up. That doesn't mean never being hurt or upset or sharing problems and issues. But it does mean owning your own shit, and it certainly means not making negative public comments on a friend's social media. Like, she could have said, "I miss when we spent more time together." She's making it about YOU instead of her.
If you are inclined to give her another chance, I'd maybe make a time and say something like, "We have been friends for a long time, and I value X, Y, and Z about you and our friendship. I am also allowed to have other friends and spend time with those people; that's not a rejection of you. If we are to continue our friendship, I need you to stop being critical of me because I have other friends or don't respond right away." You could even send this to her email to give her a chance to read and absorb (I'd say to avoid text because it's too easy to get riled up and react poorly via text).
Ultimately, we teach people how to treat us. If you continue to spend time with her even as she treats your poorly -- even if that behavior is a manifestation of her insecurities -- then you are teaching her that she can continue to treat you poorly. You can ask her to behave differently, but you can't make her. If she doesn't start to reel it in or acknowledge that she hasn't behaved well, then I think your best option is to end the friendship. And you certainly don't have to let her criticize you along the way during a slow fade.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:44 PM on June 29, 2023 [5 favorites]
Oof, this is tough. People can really be their own worst enemies at times. Your friend is hurt that she feels like you don't spend as much time with her as before, and her response to that is to lash out at you and accuse you of being a bad friend, which is only driving you away and making you want to avoid her. It's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We can definitely work on our childhood issues and trauma through friendships, but only if we are honest with ourselves and work to manage our own behavior. If she were in a place to say to you, "Hey, I'm so sorry I lashed out at you; I was hurt that you didn't respond right away and then saw that you were spending time with other people and I felt bad, but that was about my insecurities, and not actually your behavior," well, then I'd say maybe give her another chance.
Right now she's in that "finding the bad guy" place, where she's blaming you for her hurt feelings instead of 1) owning her issues and insecurities and 2) communicating directly and kindly that the shift in your friendship is difficult for her. She's seeing your spending time with other people as a rejection of her. This isn't your fault and you are not obligated to keep being friends with her.
The social media criticism would probably be it for me. I want friendships where we lift each other up. That doesn't mean never being hurt or upset or sharing problems and issues. But it does mean owning your own shit, and it certainly means not making negative public comments on a friend's social media. Like, she could have said, "I miss when we spent more time together." She's making it about YOU instead of her.
If you are inclined to give her another chance, I'd maybe make a time and say something like, "We have been friends for a long time, and I value X, Y, and Z about you and our friendship. I am also allowed to have other friends and spend time with those people; that's not a rejection of you. If we are to continue our friendship, I need you to stop being critical of me because I have other friends or don't respond right away." You could even send this to her email to give her a chance to read and absorb (I'd say to avoid text because it's too easy to get riled up and react poorly via text).
Ultimately, we teach people how to treat us. If you continue to spend time with her even as she treats your poorly -- even if that behavior is a manifestation of her insecurities -- then you are teaching her that she can continue to treat you poorly. You can ask her to behave differently, but you can't make her. If she doesn't start to reel it in or acknowledge that she hasn't behaved well, then I think your best option is to end the friendship. And you certainly don't have to let her criticize you along the way during a slow fade.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:44 PM on June 29, 2023 [5 favorites]
Your friend sounds heartbroken that you aren't devoting as much time to her as she would like. That's not your problem or your fault, but acknowledging where this is coming from is the kindest route.
If you can say it honestly, one option is "I really value you and our friendship, but only have the bandwidth to get together every couple months, and you can't count on me to reply to texts right away. When you act jealous of me spending time with other friends or snap at me for being a bad friend, it makes me want to spend LESS time with you. I'm sorry that I can't offer what you're looking for in a relationship, but I can offer X."
If she isn't able to end the behavior after you have a real conversation about it, you should consider breaking up. For example, "I'm in a different place in my life than we were when we lived together, and I'm not interested in texting or hanging out one-on-one anymore. I wish you the best and am not going to AVOID you around town, but I'm focusing my time on other things now."
Other folks are suggesting a slow fade and in this case, I view that as cruel as most people would perceive it to be in a romantic relationship. She's hurt and confused and dragging out those feelings for longer will make it worse for her.
posted by metasarah at 5:46 AM on June 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you can say it honestly, one option is "I really value you and our friendship, but only have the bandwidth to get together every couple months, and you can't count on me to reply to texts right away. When you act jealous of me spending time with other friends or snap at me for being a bad friend, it makes me want to spend LESS time with you. I'm sorry that I can't offer what you're looking for in a relationship, but I can offer X."
If she isn't able to end the behavior after you have a real conversation about it, you should consider breaking up. For example, "I'm in a different place in my life than we were when we lived together, and I'm not interested in texting or hanging out one-on-one anymore. I wish you the best and am not going to AVOID you around town, but I'm focusing my time on other things now."
Other folks are suggesting a slow fade and in this case, I view that as cruel as most people would perceive it to be in a romantic relationship. She's hurt and confused and dragging out those feelings for longer will make it worse for her.
posted by metasarah at 5:46 AM on June 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
We get a lot of Asks like this, from people who feel like friendships are a binary, they either exist or they don't, with posters feeling like they have to flip some kind of switch and blow up a friendship that's not going brilliantly. In reality, friendships exist on a continuum of intensity, and reducing the intensity of a friendship you're not particularly enjoying, is exactly what the slow fade is made for. It's not being evasive, it's just avoiding drama, and allowing friendships to evolve.
It's up to you how you choose to answer if she directly says: "Why don't we see each other as much as we used to?" - but it's totally fine to obfuscate and say you're just really busy, and let her feel about that however she may.
posted by penguin pie at 8:29 AM on June 29, 2023 [30 favorites]