Do I reconnect with this person?

May 23, 2023 9:23 PM

I dated someone briefly, but the timing wasn't right. Can I reconnect?

What's the etiquette for reconnecting with someone? I broke up with someone about five months ago, but it was bad timing as I was getting out of a breakup. We only went on a few dates. I've been thinking about them a lot lately, and I've been wondering if I can reach back out.

For some reason I feel a lot of hesitation - I'm worried if I reach back out, and it's still not a fit then I'm going to be making a bad decision. I also want to reach back out because I realized that I was in a very bad place at the time, and I missed out on how good of a potential fit they were. But I'm not necessarily 100% sure? The ambiguity is kind of killing me.

They may not even be available. I've not done this before, so I would love advice on whether I am doing something unkind and should just let it go, or seriously give it another chance.

posted by treetop89 to Human Relations (13 answers total)

I think there is no harm in reaching out and saying "hey -- I was thinking about you and the fact that when we initially connected, I was not in a place to cultivate a new connection as I was just getting out of a relationship. I have had some space and time now, and if you are not seeing anyone currently, I was wondering if you would be interested in revisiting and exploring the connection we had made. No worries if not. Hope you are well."

Exploring a connection is not making a decision -- it's opening the door without committing to a firm vision of what is behind the door.
posted by virve at 10:19 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]

I would welcome someone from the past reaching out, even if I wasn't available.
posted by CancerSucks at 10:52 PM on May 23 [6 favorites]

I'm 8 months into a relationship with someone who did this, in very similar circumstances. Sooo happy she sent that text (which was very simple: "hey, it's been a while, how are you, would you like to grab a drink together?")

And if your someone is less interested and/or available, no harm done.
posted by Desertshore at 2:10 AM on May 24 [8 favorites]

It’s absolutely fine & not at all unkind to reach out. I second the recommendation for a very simple text like the one Desertshore describes. If they’re available and interested, great! If not, no harm done. Plenty of folks I know (including myself) needed a little time and a second try to make a connection with the right person.
posted by ourobouros at 2:34 AM on May 24

Try and reflect on the reason you want to reach back out first. Do you genuinely miss something about this person, are curious about your connection? Or are you simply feeling bored or lonely or wanting attention? All of these feelings are ok but if it's more of the latter than the former you may want to think twice about possibly disappointing someone again for reasons not related to them.
posted by bearette at 3:52 AM on May 24 [6 favorites]

I would welcome someone from the past reaching out, even if I wasn't available.

Same, as long as there wasn't something really negative or bad about our initial connection. But if it was just a wrong place/wrong time thing, and now you feel like it might be the right time, or at least the right time to discover if it is actually the right time, then absolutely send a message along the lines of the scripts above.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:17 AM on May 24 [3 favorites]

I met my husband this way.

We had a summertime fling, parted ways, and five years later I sent him an email that said, "hey, I've done lots of thinking, and you're still in my head. I was wondering if you wanted to give it another shot -- no pressure, and would love to still be friends if you're not into it or happen to be in a relationship." The email was more involved, of course, but I think the key thing here is that you'll feel almost immediate relief just by putting it out there -- even if they say no, you still know you gave it a fair shot. As others mentioned, you can even just reconnect first, and then broach the relationship topic live. Good luck!
posted by knownassociate at 9:31 AM on May 24 [2 favorites]

Reach out, say hello, ask to catch up. This is a safe risk, likely to result in a positive interaction, whether it's romance or not.
posted by theora55 at 9:32 AM on May 24

Response by poster: Done. I'm a little nervous, but now I feel good that this is finally out of my head and into the world, and I can know that I explored it!
posted by treetop89 at 9:52 AM on May 24 [18 favorites]

There’s always a second chance!
posted by pando11 at 7:09 PM on May 24

Response by poster: They are up for a drink! And they also said today is their birthday. I don't know about you, but I think it's almost a sign!
posted by treetop89 at 9:24 PM on May 24 [14 favorites]

Ahhh treetop89 I came back to the thread just to see if you replied! Have a great time <3
posted by fairlynearlyready at 11:52 PM on May 24

Came here to say, "Absolutely go for it." Such a great update! I hope you both enjoyed the date.
posted by Jangatroo at 12:54 PM on May 25