should we celebrate a dear friends life or wait...

April 25, 2023 2:33 PM

A dear friend of mine passed away and his family had the service quickly without notifying friends..we have planned a celebration of life.

A very dear friend passed under not non natural circumstances and his family held a service quickly before many could know. A group of us has planned a small memorial celebration and posted the information. Now his sister called and asked if we would postpone due to finding his wishes and she would like to have the celebration later. Some of us feel that this may not happen as she is not quite up to the task but I feel we should wait? Others not so much. What to do?

posted by irish01 to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Why not have a more informal memorial with your friends now and then if his sister is able to arrange a celebration later you can join that as well?
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:38 PM on April 25, 2023 [7 favorites]

When my bestie died, we all knew she preferred for there to be no service. Within a month of her death it was clear so many of us were absolutely reeling from it -- despite the death being expected, after a long illness -- so we went ahead and planned an event. There is no question that it was exactly what we needed...even though I knew were going against her wishes. It taught me quite clearly that the post-death activities are for the living, not the dead...at least in this respect.

I would urge you to be very gentle with her, and also go ahead and do it. The key is to be very gentle with her as you let her know.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:12 PM on April 25, 2023 [14 favorites]

I'm very sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your friends.

Could you have something but keep it lower key and informal where maybe the family isn't as aware of it? Or, could someone talk to the sister and find out more what she has in mind?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:23 PM on April 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

Do it. You’re grieving and if this helps some of y’all then do it. The family doesn’t have a say in the matter.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:50 PM on April 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

You can still have a friends’ dinner. Just keep it off of social media and don’t call it a memorial.
posted by calgirl at 3:52 PM on April 25, 2023 [35 favorites]

When a dear friend of mine died, many of us were unable to attend the memorial his family organized.

We hosted a gathering among friends, but we didn't refer to it as a memorial or celebration of life.

Instead, we scheduled it for close to his birthday, made it a potluck, and we did stuff he would have enjoyed. We wore clothes that reminded us of him, like gear from his favorite sports teams or bands, we ate food he liked, we shared memories, and we caught up with each other.

We called it "(Friend)fest." We might make it an annual thing.

We found it very healing, and it didn't step on any toes.

Maybe you could do something similar?
posted by champers at 4:29 PM on April 25, 2023 [19 favorites]

you can invite any group of people over to remember your friend at any time, and you can do it more than once. that's always fine.

since his sister is requesting that you hold off on any formal event held in his name, not just for her own sake but because of his own documented wishes, you should not make any kind of public posting or formal announcement about whatever gatherings you do privately have. you didn't have any reason not to announce it before, but you very much do now.

even if you believe the line about memorials being for the living and not the dead, his sister is alive. if after a week or two she is still not up to planning an event herself, you will all want to be on good terms with her so that your offers of help will be accepted.

I understand the wish to do something immediately, not just wait. but respecting the wishes of the dead person you wish to celebrate is doing something. being decent to his surviving relatives is doing something.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:19 PM on April 25, 2023 [9 favorites]

My brother died in his thirties. Thirty years later, losing a sibling is still easily the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. If the sister didn't know that you were planning something, it wouldn't matter. But she does know, and for you to go ahead after she has asked you not to would be deeply hurtful, especially if her reasoning relates to her brother's wishes. There is no reason to hurt people just because you technically can.

I agree that having a dinner or potluck, not calling it a memorial, and keeping it off of social media is the best option if you don't want to wait for the sister - assuming you can be very sure that no one will tell her. Then have a celebration with her later. Or, since the problem seems to be that people think she's not up to it, see if there's a way to help her.
posted by FencingGal at 5:22 PM on April 25, 2023 [7 favorites]

I think your decision should depend on the cultural match between the friend group and the family.

The family excluded the friend group. There are a lot of possible reasons for that. The most likely one is that they were dealing with logistics. A sudden death leads to a short timeline to make final arrangements and the nok often either defaults to their culturally expected funeral or to the quickest simplest one. Frequently however the family is also dealing with having to make accommodations for one or more family members. A funeral may take place almost immediately so that someone can get leave from work to attend it, or so that they don't have to deal with weird uncle Dan* being let out in public any more than absolutely necessary, or so that grandmother can be properly cared for despite her increasing dementia and incontinence. Failure to include the friend group is often a result of this kind of a thing rather a desire to protect the family from the friends and an active intention to exclude them.

Sometimes it IS a definite desire to exclude the friend group though. The family may have been holding services for the person the deceased once was, but not longer had been for many years before they passed. They could be mourning the little boy and the teenager their family member was, and not yet up to dealing with the person they had become. It can be traumatizing for a family to hold services for a member who became alcoholic and estranged, and have a bunch of people stagger through the funeral drunk and reeking, or traumatizing for a family to hold service for a member who had repudiated their cultural norms where the friend group is clearly westernized, or gay, or evangelical, or poly, or poor and downwardly mobile - anything that will make the family cringe to have their nose rubbed in how very far from them and their values and aspirations the deceased had traveled.

So what I would suggest is that you get into a dialogue with the sister and figure out why the friend group was excluded, and how serious she is about being involved in the friend group service. There is a range of possible, between the family wanting to entirely prevent the friend group service because they find the whole idea repulsive, to the family feeling distraught that they excluded the friend group and feeling like they need to make it up to the friends. If you can figure out where the family falls within that range, you'll have a good idea whether you can expect them to cooperate with rituals for the friends.

Since there was a private family service already, this should be the public friend group gathering - and because it is the friend group gathering, there is no reason why the family should host or bankroll it or schedule it. It's not that you want to snub the family, but this service is for the friends and if not performed in a way that works for the friends to do their collective mourning and strengthen their group bond, you might as well not hold it.

You need to find out if you can pin the sister down to a commitment, and you need to make it clear that the friend group needs some control over this. It's no good having the sister schedule the service for July after the friend group has dispersed for short term summer employment when no one can get time off to return for a mere friend's funeral. You need to make sure that the sister is going to honor the friend culture and not sabotage the service by making a drunken party into a dry event, or a pagan gathering into an evangelical one.

So you need to talk to her more. Once you talk to her a few times - or discover that she is evading your messages, you will know if the family participation is practical or not. And if it isn't, then you can go ahead and hold your service, inviting the family to participate or excluding them as necessary and tactful. But this is not the sister's call. It's very good of you, and appropriate for you to want to allow her and the family members to participate. But it's not appropriate for you to postpone the service very long. There are spiritual and psychological reasons to hold a service promptly and in a ritual fashion.

*I once attended a funeral where the brother of the deceased spent the time loudly speculating how the younger of the two funeral directors would look in bondage gear. They let people out for funerals that they never let out in public at any other time.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:51 PM on April 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

A good friend of mine passed away last summer. He had sent me a draft letter outlining his wishes for my review and comments before he sent it out to his family and friends. Among other thins he had specified that he didn't want any memorial or ceremony. It wasn't all things that I agreed with but he had his own valid reasons and the letter was clearly written and that's in essence what my comments were. I'm not sure if he ever sent that letter out or if he had discussed it with anyone else but after he passed his wife did schedule a memorial party for him. It got delayed a couple of times due to weather and we joked that that was his way to stop it from happening. It eventually happened on a beautiful day and I think it was pretty healing for everyone that came. It wasn't in accordance with my friend's wishes but he was gone and the rest of us were still here and we needed it.

Your friend might not have wanted any memorial to happen but he's not around anymore so if you need one then go ahead and do it. Speak with his sister to see where she and her family are on this. If they're OK with the idea then maybe see if one of you can take point on it so that it isn't something else that the family has to do. If they aren't OK with it then have a friends-only memorial but make sure that you all are discreet about it so that you don't cause any upset to the family.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:20 PM on April 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

(Just on the off chance this is applicable, some traditions, including Judaism, require burial/funeral as quickly as possible. If an out-of-town relative, even a close one, can't make it to a graveside service the next day then that's really sad, but the funeral is very unlikely to be delayed - everyone knows it's possible that not every single person can make it who might be able/expect to come with even a bit longer notice.)
posted by itsatextfile at 7:13 PM on April 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

A dear friend of mine died suddenly during the height of the pandemic when a group memorial wasn’t possible. By the time it was, months later, I worried it was “too late.” It was not. We all needed that outlet, that group grief, we all needed each other.

Do it when you need it. Agree to keep it off social if it’s not when the sister chooses but we don’t get to plan the timeline of grief.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 8:17 PM on April 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

Short answer: I’d recommend you do something soon and if there is a family-organized event later, perhaps attend that as well.

Longer answer: a great friend of mine died unexpectedly while teaching overseas some twenty years ago. Both his parents predeceased him and he was not close to his other family, but was very much so with his circle of friends.

The school contacted his brother who told them to do whatever was cheapest, which was cremate him and scatter the ashes. None of his friends found out until some time later.

For various reasons, we were unable to organize anything in the short term but when the first anniversary rolled around, almost a dozen of us assembled at a restaurant to share photos and stories, and I think only two of us knew everyone else present. The evening went so well, it became a more or less annual event (with a pandemic asterisk). Even after he was gone, he was still bringing people together.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:28 PM on April 26, 2023

When the star poet from my year at IA killed herself, her father hosted a small memorial for her local NY friends and colleagues at a funeral home. Later, I organized one for her writer friends at poets house in ny, her family scattered her ashes in the bay area and her friends in Japan had a gathering as well.

My family just had shiva prayers for my father and a larger memorial will be later this year. We will scatter his ashes elsewhere.
posted by brujita at 9:10 AM on April 27, 2023