Should I Quit My Job?
April 6, 2023 12:17 PM Subscribe
My job is making me miserable. Should I quit? And if so, how?
I know this question has been asked before, but I know each person’s situation is different. I’m hoping fellow mefites can help me gain some clarity on what I should do. My job is causing me to have chronic migraines, daily panic attacks, suicidal ideation, and issues in my marriage. Both my therapist and partner have told me to just quit, but I cannot believe that quitting won’t completely destroy my financials and my future.
The TL;DR of the situation:
I’ve been with my employer for just shy of five years. I’ve been promoted once, and received a job reclassification (i.e., a title change + additional duties but no additional pay with the promise of more pay—potentially, if my boss could get HR to approve it; they didn’t) once. When I first started, I loved my job, and I excelled at it. For this reason, I was offered a promotion two years in when a spot opened in my department, and I took it, thinking I would be doing the same job as the person in the position before me. It’s on me for assuming this. My boss reworked the position so I would be doing the job of the person before me (let’s call this Job X) along with half of the job of another person who was fired a few months prior to my promotion (let’s call this Job Y). Job Y is a “professional” (administrative) position, and it used to be handled by one person. It is admittedly too much work for one person to handle, hence my boss splitting it. A new hire was given the other half of Job Y, along with the title/position of Job Y, while I still have the title/position of Job X.
I’ve been learning and working my half of Job Y for nearly 3 years now. It hasn’t gotten any easier. It’s one of those positions where the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know. I should say here that I work in higher education, so both Job X and Job Y involve dealing with bureaucratic red tape/processes that are outlined “in general” but “in action” require the knowledge of subtleties and nuances that one really can only learn through trial and error and hunting out knowledge from various other parties. I‘ve struggled (having received very little training) but have been handling what I need to be handling. It’s usually stressful but my co-workers are nice enough and, having graduated with a not-practical-at-all degree, I was—at least sometimes—content enough with my position, believing I couldn’t do much better.
Until last summer, when my co-worker who handles the other half of Job Y, had to take an extended leave. I had some help covering my co-worker’s duties, but my workload increased, too. I knew it was for a few months and I thought I could handle it, and I mostly did. But it was also during this time that I received my job reclassification and the dangled carrot of more pay. My boss included me in some admin-level trainings and workshops (even though my position/title is not admin-level, though Job Y is admin-level). In these training/workshops, I learned that the people who have the title/position of Job Y make approximately 40% more than I do. I talked to my boss about my getting the title/position of Job Y, since I’m doing half of it, and was told it was not possible.
Since then, I’ve been continuing to work, but my stress has increased (along with my resentment, I’m not going to lie) to the point where I have, as mentioned, chronic migraines, daily panic attacks, deep depression with suicidal ideation, and my hair is falling out. I’ve always had depression but it’s been years and years (nearly 20) since it’s been this bad. I started seeing a psychiatrist and am now on meds for depression and anxiety, but they don’t really help. I’m not motivated by money but I am demotivated by feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. I also have low self-esteem and low-confidence, and a strong work ethic, which is a combination that easily falls prey to being taken advantage of.
Both my therapist and my partner have told me to just quit my job. I have about five months of savings, while my partner has significantly more savings and makes more than I do. I currently cover our health insurance through my job, but my partner has looked into how to get us switched over to theirs. My partner says they cannot continue on with the way I’m letting my mood affect my out-of-work life (constant crying, panic attacks, etc.) and they would rather we “be poor” than for me to continue on as I am. I would love to put in my notice, and the thought of doing that is the only relief I’ve felt in months. But then I think about the financial aspect—what happens to my retirement plan? What if I can never get another job? What if my partner comes to resent me now that they are burdened with being the sole breadwinner?—and I freeze.
I’ve considered looking for a new job. I’ve checked at my current employer (it’s a fairly large place) and I’ve worked on updating my cover letter and resume but the only jobs I would qualify for (that also wouldn’t mean a decent pay cut) are jobs similar to what I’m currently doing—parts of Job X and parts of Job Y for maybe a little bit more money. I don’t want to do Job Y and the thought of taking a new position doing the same thing triggers a panic attack. I’m afraid of getting into a worse situation, which I am aware could happen, since my boss is, for the most part, nice, understanding, flexible. I’ve heard horror stories about other bosses/departments here.
Complicating this, I’m nearing 40. I want my life/job to have meaning but there’s absolutely nothing I want to do that would also earn me a livable wage. I’m just distraught, at the end of my rope, but so burnt out and overwhelmed that I can’t think straight. Thus, I turn to Ask.Metafilter, hoping for guidance or points to consider (one way or the other) that I haven’t considered yet. It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I have been asking for it, and I still need some more. Please help (and hope) me. Thank you.
I know this question has been asked before, but I know each person’s situation is different. I’m hoping fellow mefites can help me gain some clarity on what I should do. My job is causing me to have chronic migraines, daily panic attacks, suicidal ideation, and issues in my marriage. Both my therapist and partner have told me to just quit, but I cannot believe that quitting won’t completely destroy my financials and my future.
The TL;DR of the situation:
I’ve been with my employer for just shy of five years. I’ve been promoted once, and received a job reclassification (i.e., a title change + additional duties but no additional pay with the promise of more pay—potentially, if my boss could get HR to approve it; they didn’t) once. When I first started, I loved my job, and I excelled at it. For this reason, I was offered a promotion two years in when a spot opened in my department, and I took it, thinking I would be doing the same job as the person in the position before me. It’s on me for assuming this. My boss reworked the position so I would be doing the job of the person before me (let’s call this Job X) along with half of the job of another person who was fired a few months prior to my promotion (let’s call this Job Y). Job Y is a “professional” (administrative) position, and it used to be handled by one person. It is admittedly too much work for one person to handle, hence my boss splitting it. A new hire was given the other half of Job Y, along with the title/position of Job Y, while I still have the title/position of Job X.
I’ve been learning and working my half of Job Y for nearly 3 years now. It hasn’t gotten any easier. It’s one of those positions where the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know. I should say here that I work in higher education, so both Job X and Job Y involve dealing with bureaucratic red tape/processes that are outlined “in general” but “in action” require the knowledge of subtleties and nuances that one really can only learn through trial and error and hunting out knowledge from various other parties. I‘ve struggled (having received very little training) but have been handling what I need to be handling. It’s usually stressful but my co-workers are nice enough and, having graduated with a not-practical-at-all degree, I was—at least sometimes—content enough with my position, believing I couldn’t do much better.
Until last summer, when my co-worker who handles the other half of Job Y, had to take an extended leave. I had some help covering my co-worker’s duties, but my workload increased, too. I knew it was for a few months and I thought I could handle it, and I mostly did. But it was also during this time that I received my job reclassification and the dangled carrot of more pay. My boss included me in some admin-level trainings and workshops (even though my position/title is not admin-level, though Job Y is admin-level). In these training/workshops, I learned that the people who have the title/position of Job Y make approximately 40% more than I do. I talked to my boss about my getting the title/position of Job Y, since I’m doing half of it, and was told it was not possible.
Since then, I’ve been continuing to work, but my stress has increased (along with my resentment, I’m not going to lie) to the point where I have, as mentioned, chronic migraines, daily panic attacks, deep depression with suicidal ideation, and my hair is falling out. I’ve always had depression but it’s been years and years (nearly 20) since it’s been this bad. I started seeing a psychiatrist and am now on meds for depression and anxiety, but they don’t really help. I’m not motivated by money but I am demotivated by feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. I also have low self-esteem and low-confidence, and a strong work ethic, which is a combination that easily falls prey to being taken advantage of.
Both my therapist and my partner have told me to just quit my job. I have about five months of savings, while my partner has significantly more savings and makes more than I do. I currently cover our health insurance through my job, but my partner has looked into how to get us switched over to theirs. My partner says they cannot continue on with the way I’m letting my mood affect my out-of-work life (constant crying, panic attacks, etc.) and they would rather we “be poor” than for me to continue on as I am. I would love to put in my notice, and the thought of doing that is the only relief I’ve felt in months. But then I think about the financial aspect—what happens to my retirement plan? What if I can never get another job? What if my partner comes to resent me now that they are burdened with being the sole breadwinner?—and I freeze.
I’ve considered looking for a new job. I’ve checked at my current employer (it’s a fairly large place) and I’ve worked on updating my cover letter and resume but the only jobs I would qualify for (that also wouldn’t mean a decent pay cut) are jobs similar to what I’m currently doing—parts of Job X and parts of Job Y for maybe a little bit more money. I don’t want to do Job Y and the thought of taking a new position doing the same thing triggers a panic attack. I’m afraid of getting into a worse situation, which I am aware could happen, since my boss is, for the most part, nice, understanding, flexible. I’ve heard horror stories about other bosses/departments here.
Complicating this, I’m nearing 40. I want my life/job to have meaning but there’s absolutely nothing I want to do that would also earn me a livable wage. I’m just distraught, at the end of my rope, but so burnt out and overwhelmed that I can’t think straight. Thus, I turn to Ask.Metafilter, hoping for guidance or points to consider (one way or the other) that I haven’t considered yet. It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I have been asking for it, and I still need some more. Please help (and hope) me. Thank you.
This might sound overwhelming, but I think instead of quitting you should apply for some new jobs, especially outside of your current employer, and if you get one, negotiate hard for an excellent salary and better worklife balance (this is probably good practice for you anyway given that you say you have low self-esteem). Then, go back to your current employer and tell them you're considering an offer, and ask them for a counteroffer.
This will do several positive things: It will give you a sense of agency and power in a situation where right now you feel powerless. It will let you consider some options and help you answer the fear that you'll never get a job again. And it may result in a raise or change in your duties that would reduce your resentment and overwork. Importantly, you can do this and still quit or take a sabbatical; the goal here isn't to find other work but to feel empowered and maybe generate some more options at your current job.
posted by shadygrove at 12:31 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
This will do several positive things: It will give you a sense of agency and power in a situation where right now you feel powerless. It will let you consider some options and help you answer the fear that you'll never get a job again. And it may result in a raise or change in your duties that would reduce your resentment and overwork. Importantly, you can do this and still quit or take a sabbatical; the goal here isn't to find other work but to feel empowered and maybe generate some more options at your current job.
posted by shadygrove at 12:31 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
This sounds awful! I am so sorry for you.
From what you say here, it sounds like this job is actively hurting you. It is normally worth it, in my understanding, to wait until you have a new job before quitting the old job, because it can take longer to get hired while you’re unemployed. But if the job you have is actively hurting you, I think some weight needs to be given to that — because it is also not great to start a new job this burnt out. The gap between your perception and your partner’s and your therapist’s makes me worry a little that you’ve lost perspective. I’ve known people who were so badly bruised by one job that they wound up making a hash of it in the next. You don’t want to go down that road.
My instinct is also to suggest what EmpressCallipygos did — can you take some leave to recover your sense of self, and then make a longer term plan?
posted by eirias at 12:36 PM on April 6, 2023
From what you say here, it sounds like this job is actively hurting you. It is normally worth it, in my understanding, to wait until you have a new job before quitting the old job, because it can take longer to get hired while you’re unemployed. But if the job you have is actively hurting you, I think some weight needs to be given to that — because it is also not great to start a new job this burnt out. The gap between your perception and your partner’s and your therapist’s makes me worry a little that you’ve lost perspective. I’ve known people who were so badly bruised by one job that they wound up making a hash of it in the next. You don’t want to go down that road.
My instinct is also to suggest what EmpressCallipygos did — can you take some leave to recover your sense of self, and then make a longer term plan?
posted by eirias at 12:36 PM on April 6, 2023
I am in an almost IDENTICAL situation, except I’m less stressed about it. It’s crazy how similar. Memail me if you want! I have so much to say about this, way too much to type out.
posted by HotToddy at 12:46 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 12:46 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
It sound like you're prioritizing being nice. I am pro-nice! But it's time to take some power, set some boundaries (at least internally, about how guilty you'll feel for not doing job Y perfectly - not much), and take the first steps toward something better. Do frickin' out-loud affirmations if it helps. You're in a difficult spot, but you're a full-grown smart person and you can bend the situation.
I'm not saying you need a whole plan. You just need a) hope, and b) to do _something_. So:
Read "What Color is Your Parachute". It talks about (if I recall correctly) not being overly constrained by the "requirements" in job descriptions; exploring, in detail and fully, the options you have that are reasonable and interesting for you; and approaching a job move in a relationship-first, learning-first, exploring-first way.
Figure out what other department and boss you want to work for -- or a couple of good options -- and if it's your current department and boss, cool. Figure out how you can contribute value, figure out how to make a clear case for that, and give yourself time to do that. Go to lunch with people, ask questions.
If you need to, figure out how to get funding for another person in your department to do job Y; maybe make yourself that new hire's boss.
posted by amtho at 12:57 PM on April 6, 2023
I'm not saying you need a whole plan. You just need a) hope, and b) to do _something_. So:
Read "What Color is Your Parachute". It talks about (if I recall correctly) not being overly constrained by the "requirements" in job descriptions; exploring, in detail and fully, the options you have that are reasonable and interesting for you; and approaching a job move in a relationship-first, learning-first, exploring-first way.
Figure out what other department and boss you want to work for -- or a couple of good options -- and if it's your current department and boss, cool. Figure out how you can contribute value, figure out how to make a clear case for that, and give yourself time to do that. Go to lunch with people, ask questions.
If you need to, figure out how to get funding for another person in your department to do job Y; maybe make yourself that new hire's boss.
posted by amtho at 12:57 PM on April 6, 2023
I suggest taking an extended medical leave as your first step. Stress and anxiety are accepted reasons for using FMLA. This will give you at least three months away from your current situation to decompress and assess the situation.
Maybe that time away will be enough and you’ll go back to your job rested and renewed. More likely, you’ll realize that it really is as bad as it seems and the leave will give you the time and space to think through what comes next after this job.
posted by scantee at 1:00 PM on April 6, 2023 [16 favorites]
Maybe that time away will be enough and you’ll go back to your job rested and renewed. More likely, you’ll realize that it really is as bad as it seems and the leave will give you the time and space to think through what comes next after this job.
posted by scantee at 1:00 PM on April 6, 2023 [16 favorites]
Some time ago, I was in a similar (but not as extremely bad) situation, and started applying to jobs hard. Not firing off resumés willy-nilly, but really looking for jobs I wanted to do, researching the companies, carefully tailoring cover letters and CVs to the posted job descriptions, poking people in my network for help and support, and so on.
A friend of mine turned out to be going through a similar shift and did an even smarter thing: she reached out to friends and friends of friends to put together her "dream team" of people who could help with career coaching, resume-building, advice and general support.
We both did pretty good! I applied to about a dozen jobs, got as far as the "are you for real" check with hiring agencies on half, interviews for 1/3, and one offer that I wound up declining due to life circumstances. So I wound up sticking with the job I had. She wound up radically reinventing her career and life for the better.
On my end, the process of getting callbacks and offers and starting to adopt the mentality that I can leave emboldened me to the point that I started being far more assertive than I thought I could ever be in my current job. My supervisor and their supervisor proved to be surprisingly responsive to my critique of the job and listened to my suggestions for changes. I started being firmer about my capabilities and capacity and was amazed to see some things that seemed like critical priorities evaporate once they realized I was valuable and at the breaking point.
A lot other great ideas in this thread, but on my end seeing what was out there and establishing that I am desirable as a team member was a real shot in the arm. Feeling like I could leave or not empowered me to really change my approach to the job, and oddly enough wound up with stronger, better relationships with management than I had when I was being "nice" and the "ideal team player" and just shouldering everything that came my way.
I still wish I'd had the "dream team" idea, and it's a good one. Who do you respect and admire in their life and their career? Hit them up and ask for advice. Do it with a bunch of people. Have those people talk to each other about their situation and offer their input. At the very least it'll show you're valued by a group of people who like and support you, which is a huge help.
posted by Shepherd at 1:05 PM on April 6, 2023 [16 favorites]
A friend of mine turned out to be going through a similar shift and did an even smarter thing: she reached out to friends and friends of friends to put together her "dream team" of people who could help with career coaching, resume-building, advice and general support.
We both did pretty good! I applied to about a dozen jobs, got as far as the "are you for real" check with hiring agencies on half, interviews for 1/3, and one offer that I wound up declining due to life circumstances. So I wound up sticking with the job I had. She wound up radically reinventing her career and life for the better.
On my end, the process of getting callbacks and offers and starting to adopt the mentality that I can leave emboldened me to the point that I started being far more assertive than I thought I could ever be in my current job. My supervisor and their supervisor proved to be surprisingly responsive to my critique of the job and listened to my suggestions for changes. I started being firmer about my capabilities and capacity and was amazed to see some things that seemed like critical priorities evaporate once they realized I was valuable and at the breaking point.
A lot other great ideas in this thread, but on my end seeing what was out there and establishing that I am desirable as a team member was a real shot in the arm. Feeling like I could leave or not empowered me to really change my approach to the job, and oddly enough wound up with stronger, better relationships with management than I had when I was being "nice" and the "ideal team player" and just shouldering everything that came my way.
I still wish I'd had the "dream team" idea, and it's a good one. Who do you respect and admire in their life and their career? Hit them up and ask for advice. Do it with a bunch of people. Have those people talk to each other about their situation and offer their input. At the very least it'll show you're valued by a group of people who like and support you, which is a huge help.
posted by Shepherd at 1:05 PM on April 6, 2023 [16 favorites]
Yeah, definitely take FMLA! You need time off, and if you feel better afterward, you can go back then, or decide to quit at that point.
posted by pinochiette at 1:05 PM on April 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by pinochiette at 1:05 PM on April 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
I mean, your partner and therapist are telling you to quit. Your partner might have to give you some extra financial support, but I suspect right now your stress at this job is also having a pretty big impact on them too.
Sometimes when we are stuck in the mud, we have to trust the people who care about us who can see the situation better. They can see the situation better.
You are catastrophizing about quitting ("What if I'm totally washed up at what's actually a relatively young age of 40?") because everything feels terrible now.
Like, stop thinking about this. Put in notice. Quit. You have the internet's permission to do what the people who love and know you best are also telling you to do, which is also what you want to do. Do the thing.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:06 PM on April 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
Sometimes when we are stuck in the mud, we have to trust the people who care about us who can see the situation better. They can see the situation better.
You are catastrophizing about quitting ("What if I'm totally washed up at what's actually a relatively young age of 40?") because everything feels terrible now.
Like, stop thinking about this. Put in notice. Quit. You have the internet's permission to do what the people who love and know you best are also telling you to do, which is also what you want to do. Do the thing.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:06 PM on April 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
This sounds so much to me like an absolutely obvious “Yes quit” that I’m wondering what I’m missing.
The only reasons you give for not quitting (“I might end up doomed”) are the catastrophising voice of depression.
By staying, you stand to ruin your mental health even further, damage your relationship, and gain… what? I’m not clear.
I cannot believe that quitting won’t completely destroy my financials and my future.
Damaging your mental health irrevocably by staying on for years more of this will damage your future, and losing your marriage will damage your financials.
I’d say that staying where you are isn’t the safe bet you think it is - you’re just so mentally exhausted that paralysis feels safer than making a decision. But it sounds like making a decision, quitting, and giving yourself some breathing space will in fact be better for you in the long run. A short career break for health reasons, while supported by a partner, isn’t going to permanently wreck your entire retirement. Total mental collapse might. You deserve a break.
posted by penguin pie at 1:32 PM on April 6, 2023 [13 favorites]
The only reasons you give for not quitting (“I might end up doomed”) are the catastrophising voice of depression.
By staying, you stand to ruin your mental health even further, damage your relationship, and gain… what? I’m not clear.
I cannot believe that quitting won’t completely destroy my financials and my future.
Damaging your mental health irrevocably by staying on for years more of this will damage your future, and losing your marriage will damage your financials.
I’d say that staying where you are isn’t the safe bet you think it is - you’re just so mentally exhausted that paralysis feels safer than making a decision. But it sounds like making a decision, quitting, and giving yourself some breathing space will in fact be better for you in the long run. A short career break for health reasons, while supported by a partner, isn’t going to permanently wreck your entire retirement. Total mental collapse might. You deserve a break.
posted by penguin pie at 1:32 PM on April 6, 2023 [13 favorites]
Like penguin pie, sounds to me like quitting is a no brainer. You're afraid to quit because you MIGHT end up miserable, but you KNOW you are miserable now.
posted by metasarah at 1:37 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 1:37 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
Please listen to your therapist and partner. You need some time off work. I was in your shoes two months ago and had already taken all my vacation days along with a short medical leave and gone on a bunch of interviews. Ultimately, with my partner's urging and full support, I quit with nothing lined up. It's been 6 weeks and I do worry about my savings account dwindling, what I'm going to be doing for a living in 6 months, whether I picked the worst possible time to burn out, possible difficulty finding a job or making a career pivot at 40, needing to have my partner support me financially, etc. But those problems do not exist yet, and in the meantime, having quit my job is helping resolve the immediate problems: panic attacks, migraines, daily heart palpitations, low back pain, brain fog, crying at my desk several times a week, strain on my marriage which was stressing out my partner on top of his own work stress.
If you do take FMLA, make it at least a couple months. I wish I had taken more than 6 weeks. On the other hand, those 6 weeks were enough to look at my finances and form a rough plan for quitting my job, and I was glad I'd done that planning when I reached a breaking point 8 months later.
posted by kiripin at 1:38 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
If you do take FMLA, make it at least a couple months. I wish I had taken more than 6 weeks. On the other hand, those 6 weeks were enough to look at my finances and form a rough plan for quitting my job, and I was glad I'd done that planning when I reached a breaking point 8 months later.
posted by kiripin at 1:38 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Have you ever sat down with your boss and really discussed what that works out to for you, having your workload increased by more than another 50%-- half of another job that's harder than the original job-- plus the raise that did not materialize? I mean, these people are taking advantage of you and they know it. That may not make your boss an evil person, exactly. They are probably being taken advantage of themselves, and choose to accept that for whatever reason, so they think other people should, too. (By the way, no, it is not on you that they pulled this switch or that you didn't anticipate it.)
In any case, I think you are so close to quitting that you might as well point the net affect of this out to them, which is that that started out undercompensated and now you are WAY undercompensated. They need to either compensate you better or get rid of that half-job that they've grafted onto yours. I would say, ask in all seriousness to go back to your original job. Unless you want to tough it out for a bit while you apply to others where you would perform something like your current role but be paid for it.
I did something like this one time. I accepted additional, and ill-defined, duties. I expressed concerns about how it would work and my concerns turned out to be more than valid and eventually I stepped down from the other duties. And not too long after, I quit. Be prepared to quit anyway, it really sounds like you need to, but maybe you can get a less stessful transitional period out of this, if that seems appealing.
posted by BibiRose at 1:48 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
Have you ever sat down with your boss and really discussed what that works out to for you, having your workload increased by more than another 50%-- half of another job that's harder than the original job-- plus the raise that did not materialize? I mean, these people are taking advantage of you and they know it. That may not make your boss an evil person, exactly. They are probably being taken advantage of themselves, and choose to accept that for whatever reason, so they think other people should, too. (By the way, no, it is not on you that they pulled this switch or that you didn't anticipate it.)
In any case, I think you are so close to quitting that you might as well point the net affect of this out to them, which is that that started out undercompensated and now you are WAY undercompensated. They need to either compensate you better or get rid of that half-job that they've grafted onto yours. I would say, ask in all seriousness to go back to your original job. Unless you want to tough it out for a bit while you apply to others where you would perform something like your current role but be paid for it.
I did something like this one time. I accepted additional, and ill-defined, duties. I expressed concerns about how it would work and my concerns turned out to be more than valid and eventually I stepped down from the other duties. And not too long after, I quit. Be prepared to quit anyway, it really sounds like you need to, but maybe you can get a less stessful transitional period out of this, if that seems appealing.
posted by BibiRose at 1:48 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
Hi! I was you two years ago. I am now in a new job and can't believe I lived the nightmare as long as I did. Here was my process:
1) Every day I would do something concrete to get me out of the job and I would write it down. Saying "look for a new job" when you're barely making it doesn't help, but if you work on your resume one week and look for something every day, it will feel really empowering.
2) Realized that the work will continue after I'm out of there. This also meant I stopped stressing about future projects and work that is overwhelming. Make the thing you are stressing out about YOUR HAPPINESS. Huge work load? Eh. How am I going to treat myself tonight? Yay plans!
3) take. a. vacation. A long one. Fill it with something you're curious about. I am all for rest but when you're already on edge, just lounging on a beach will just make you think of the work you need to get done afterwards. But if you ignite your brain toward something you can learn and explore, it will help both your self confidence and get you out of work-drone mode so you can remember that you are not your job.
4) Called everyone I knew and let them know I was looking for a new job and asked if they have any ideas.
5) Repeated steps 1-3. Sometimes it takes a few rounds to really sink in and change. But they will, IF, as others have said, you don't stay stuck in fear procrastination.
You can do this. I hope that 2 years from now you are answering this same question to someone else.
posted by haplesschild at 2:14 PM on April 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
1) Every day I would do something concrete to get me out of the job and I would write it down. Saying "look for a new job" when you're barely making it doesn't help, but if you work on your resume one week and look for something every day, it will feel really empowering.
2) Realized that the work will continue after I'm out of there. This also meant I stopped stressing about future projects and work that is overwhelming. Make the thing you are stressing out about YOUR HAPPINESS. Huge work load? Eh. How am I going to treat myself tonight? Yay plans!
3) take. a. vacation. A long one. Fill it with something you're curious about. I am all for rest but when you're already on edge, just lounging on a beach will just make you think of the work you need to get done afterwards. But if you ignite your brain toward something you can learn and explore, it will help both your self confidence and get you out of work-drone mode so you can remember that you are not your job.
4) Called everyone I knew and let them know I was looking for a new job and asked if they have any ideas.
5) Repeated steps 1-3. Sometimes it takes a few rounds to really sink in and change. But they will, IF, as others have said, you don't stay stuck in fear procrastination.
You can do this. I hope that 2 years from now you are answering this same question to someone else.
posted by haplesschild at 2:14 PM on April 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
Quitting this job sounds like the right thing to do. You have five months of savings and a supportive partner. The depression caused by this job is telling you that isn't enough, but it really is.
If you are entertaining staying, what needs to change to make this workable? It sounds like it's not just that you aren't paid like Job Y, sure that would feel nice, but it _still_ sounds like it's too much to do that and all the other things piled on your plate. If you come up with a plan on how that could be workable, and bring that to your current boss and they can't make that happen, it's another sign that they aren't a very good boss for you and you should move on.
posted by advicepig at 2:14 PM on April 6, 2023
If you are entertaining staying, what needs to change to make this workable? It sounds like it's not just that you aren't paid like Job Y, sure that would feel nice, but it _still_ sounds like it's too much to do that and all the other things piled on your plate. If you come up with a plan on how that could be workable, and bring that to your current boss and they can't make that happen, it's another sign that they aren't a very good boss for you and you should move on.
posted by advicepig at 2:14 PM on April 6, 2023
So here's the thing: you've got to do something. You're paralyzed, which is understandable; if you made some wrong choices to get you here, how can you be sure more choices won't make things worse? I'm definitely prone to this kind of thinking. The problem with it is that it assumes that things are staying still, that you have a static situation which is miserable but at least predictable, and you don't want to roll the dice. This is an illusion. Your current situation is bad and getting worse. The toll that it's taking on your mental health accumulates - if nothing changes in the next year, I'd expect you to feel significantly worse than you do today, not the same.
This is especially true to me in light of what your partner said to you. I really don't want to pile on an extra anxiety, but I think it's important to be clear-eyed about the situation here. Here's what you said:
My partner says they cannot continue on with the way I’m letting my mood affect my out-of-work life (constant crying, panic attacks, etc.) and they would rather we “be poor” than for me to continue on as I am.
What this means, to me, is that if you don't either change your situation or change the way you're dealing with it, there's a real chance that your partner is going to end the relationship. That's what "cannot continue on" means: either the situation changes or they exit the situation.
Believe it or not, this is good news, because it means there's no reason for you to stay stuck. The way I see it, you have two choices. One is to just put in your notice. I think this is a perfectly viable way to go. I get your fears, but again, I think they're blinding you to how bad your current situation is. If you're not prepared to go that far, I think you should make a much more concerted effort to find a different job. You've sort of started to do this, but it seams like most of what you've done has been pretty passive. Getting really active will make you feel better.
What this looks like is applying to jobs, rather than just thinking about it. Apply for jobs that you feel 60-80% qualified. Don't talk yourself out of applying - let them decide whether or not you're qualified. Talk to as many people as you can and ask them about their jobs. Let them know you're looking and you're interested in hearing about places to work that you haven't thought of yet. Definitely look beyond your current employer.
But where are you going to find the time to do this? I'm so glad you asked: you are going to start half-assing your current job as much as possible. You don't have a future in this job, so don't let it take up any more mental energy than the bare minimum. What's the worst that can happen? They fire you? Think how relieved you'd be if that happened!
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:24 PM on April 6, 2023 [5 favorites]
This is especially true to me in light of what your partner said to you. I really don't want to pile on an extra anxiety, but I think it's important to be clear-eyed about the situation here. Here's what you said:
My partner says they cannot continue on with the way I’m letting my mood affect my out-of-work life (constant crying, panic attacks, etc.) and they would rather we “be poor” than for me to continue on as I am.
What this means, to me, is that if you don't either change your situation or change the way you're dealing with it, there's a real chance that your partner is going to end the relationship. That's what "cannot continue on" means: either the situation changes or they exit the situation.
Believe it or not, this is good news, because it means there's no reason for you to stay stuck. The way I see it, you have two choices. One is to just put in your notice. I think this is a perfectly viable way to go. I get your fears, but again, I think they're blinding you to how bad your current situation is. If you're not prepared to go that far, I think you should make a much more concerted effort to find a different job. You've sort of started to do this, but it seams like most of what you've done has been pretty passive. Getting really active will make you feel better.
What this looks like is applying to jobs, rather than just thinking about it. Apply for jobs that you feel 60-80% qualified. Don't talk yourself out of applying - let them decide whether or not you're qualified. Talk to as many people as you can and ask them about their jobs. Let them know you're looking and you're interested in hearing about places to work that you haven't thought of yet. Definitely look beyond your current employer.
But where are you going to find the time to do this? I'm so glad you asked: you are going to start half-assing your current job as much as possible. You don't have a future in this job, so don't let it take up any more mental energy than the bare minimum. What's the worst that can happen? They fire you? Think how relieved you'd be if that happened!
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:24 PM on April 6, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'd basically consider spoon theory here.
You have no spoons left at the end of the day: your work is consuming them all. You don't have spoons enough for a home life; you're bringing work stress and exhaustion home every day. In that situation, you probably haven't got spoons enough to find another job, and you don't have spoons enough to reason your way out of catastrophic thinking.
Increased pay might make you feel better, but it doesn't seem to improve the problem that you're doing 1.5 jobs for them, which is most of the reason why you have no spoons. They could pay you 1.5 salaries, and now you would be well off with no spoons.
Based on all of that, I vote quit.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 2:28 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
You have no spoons left at the end of the day: your work is consuming them all. You don't have spoons enough for a home life; you're bringing work stress and exhaustion home every day. In that situation, you probably haven't got spoons enough to find another job, and you don't have spoons enough to reason your way out of catastrophic thinking.
Increased pay might make you feel better, but it doesn't seem to improve the problem that you're doing 1.5 jobs for them, which is most of the reason why you have no spoons. They could pay you 1.5 salaries, and now you would be well off with no spoons.
Based on all of that, I vote quit.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 2:28 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
Take the leave to which you are entitled! Then you can quit if you like. You'll get some space and sleep and you'll make some dinner and your hair will quit falling out. If you're in a big employer you're due FMLA leave, and you may also be able to take short-term disability or long-term.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:33 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:33 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
I also suggest focusing all your spare energy on taking an extended medical leave, not worrying about what comes next after that. Believe me that once you do so, give it a month or two, your body will settle down from the anxiety and you'll have a better perspective on the situation. From personal experience.
posted by lookoutbelow at 2:34 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 2:34 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
“My partner might someday resent me” is a bizarre reason for staying in a situation that is actively, currently causing your partner to resent you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:49 PM on April 6, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:49 PM on April 6, 2023 [15 favorites]
Quit. Or take FMLA and then quit.
I am a person who recently asked one of these questions, and who has also wrestled with this exact same thing. There are some changes currently happening at my company that I am sticking around to see how things shake out. But a year ago, people were telling my to just quit and I wish that I had had the bravery to do it. It would have been better for me as a person and for my relationships, etc.
Being in the awful headspace that you're in isn't really that different from a long-term illness, it's just external cruelties of capitalism rather than internal that are causing your suffering. In this case, there's a very clear path to stopping that suffering and every possibility of there being no long-term negative consequences to doing it. Even though the end of your path isn't clear, after you've rested, you'll be in a better place to navigate it.
You have the savings and the support to do it, so take the grace that is available to you and love yourself enough to quit.
posted by past unusual at 3:03 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
I am a person who recently asked one of these questions, and who has also wrestled with this exact same thing. There are some changes currently happening at my company that I am sticking around to see how things shake out. But a year ago, people were telling my to just quit and I wish that I had had the bravery to do it. It would have been better for me as a person and for my relationships, etc.
Being in the awful headspace that you're in isn't really that different from a long-term illness, it's just external cruelties of capitalism rather than internal that are causing your suffering. In this case, there's a very clear path to stopping that suffering and every possibility of there being no long-term negative consequences to doing it. Even though the end of your path isn't clear, after you've rested, you'll be in a better place to navigate it.
You have the savings and the support to do it, so take the grace that is available to you and love yourself enough to quit.
posted by past unusual at 3:03 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
I am also really struggling with an increasingly overwhelming and under appreciated job in higher ed.
I found the book the Job Closer to be very helpful for thinking about how to get my resume updated and more importantly that it’s ok to just go with the flow, jobs and hiring are often very arbitrary. Rather than thinking of my career as a linear progression towards some goal it’s ok to let folks know you’re looking, set up some casual informational why-the-heck-not interviews and see what shakes out for now.
I posted this to another quitting Ask, but I am planning on taking a “bridge gig” right after I quit my current job. Right now I am just too burned out to be focused on my career. I can use the structure and the cash and it’s ok to do something chill like part-time dog walking or work through a temp agency for a few months while I heal from my current burn out.
After getting back to a more reasonable state of mind I will have a better idea and better stamina to get a “real” job again.
posted by forkisbetter at 3:04 PM on April 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
I found the book the Job Closer to be very helpful for thinking about how to get my resume updated and more importantly that it’s ok to just go with the flow, jobs and hiring are often very arbitrary. Rather than thinking of my career as a linear progression towards some goal it’s ok to let folks know you’re looking, set up some casual informational why-the-heck-not interviews and see what shakes out for now.
I posted this to another quitting Ask, but I am planning on taking a “bridge gig” right after I quit my current job. Right now I am just too burned out to be focused on my career. I can use the structure and the cash and it’s ok to do something chill like part-time dog walking or work through a temp agency for a few months while I heal from my current burn out.
After getting back to a more reasonable state of mind I will have a better idea and better stamina to get a “real” job again.
posted by forkisbetter at 3:04 PM on April 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
Both my therapist and partner have told me to just quit, but I cannot believe that quitting won’t completely destroy my financials and my future.
It sounds like you want to quit. Your job is causing you to have chronic migraines, daily panic attacks, suicidal ideation, and issues in your marriage. The stressors you listed are non-financial factors that are also capable of destroying other aspects of your future (health, life, marriage).
It sounds like your therapist and your partner are weighing health, marriage, and your very existence against your financials. And they are choosing you. You can choose you, too. You will be ok.
posted by aniola at 3:18 PM on April 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you want to quit. Your job is causing you to have chronic migraines, daily panic attacks, suicidal ideation, and issues in your marriage. The stressors you listed are non-financial factors that are also capable of destroying other aspects of your future (health, life, marriage).
It sounds like your therapist and your partner are weighing health, marriage, and your very existence against your financials. And they are choosing you. You can choose you, too. You will be ok.
posted by aniola at 3:18 PM on April 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
My partner says they cannot continue on with the way
You are in crisis and your partner and therapist are trying to help you. They need your cooperation to continue.
Tomorrow is Friday, which is a great day to give your two-week notice. "Dear Manager, This is to inform you that I am leaving Institition. My last day will be 4/21/2023. Let's get some sessions on the calendar for transition planning next week. Thank you for the opportunities that have come my way in my time here."
Then tell your partner and therapist that you are terrified but you are hearing that they are telling you this is urgent and you're going to trust them. Set up some meetings next week at work to work on your transition plan. Find a resume-polishing person and get an appointment with them. Finish our your two weeks and then GO TO BED for a week. Then put your resume on Indeed and mostly rest for another week except to respond to emails and phone calls about job opportunities and make appointments for interview calls.
If after a week you're not getting a lot of attention, you can start searching for jobs in all industries that can make use of your skills (which your good resume-polisher will help you identify) and tweak your resume to look and sound more like those job descriptions.
You will get a job. It will be fine. You will learn to leave sooner next time, if a workplace is or turns toxic.
It's not worth your life. It's not worth your health and mental stability. No job is. And they'd can you in a second if they thought they could get a robot - or someone even cheaper than you - to do your jobs. But in all likelihood they'll have to hire someone with the money they won't pay you, or hire two people. It sucks, they could just appreciate you, but that's just not generally how it goes. It's not personal, and it's not a judgement on your value as a person, it's just business.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:31 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
You are in crisis and your partner and therapist are trying to help you. They need your cooperation to continue.
Tomorrow is Friday, which is a great day to give your two-week notice. "Dear Manager, This is to inform you that I am leaving Institition. My last day will be 4/21/2023. Let's get some sessions on the calendar for transition planning next week. Thank you for the opportunities that have come my way in my time here."
Then tell your partner and therapist that you are terrified but you are hearing that they are telling you this is urgent and you're going to trust them. Set up some meetings next week at work to work on your transition plan. Find a resume-polishing person and get an appointment with them. Finish our your two weeks and then GO TO BED for a week. Then put your resume on Indeed and mostly rest for another week except to respond to emails and phone calls about job opportunities and make appointments for interview calls.
If after a week you're not getting a lot of attention, you can start searching for jobs in all industries that can make use of your skills (which your good resume-polisher will help you identify) and tweak your resume to look and sound more like those job descriptions.
You will get a job. It will be fine. You will learn to leave sooner next time, if a workplace is or turns toxic.
It's not worth your life. It's not worth your health and mental stability. No job is. And they'd can you in a second if they thought they could get a robot - or someone even cheaper than you - to do your jobs. But in all likelihood they'll have to hire someone with the money they won't pay you, or hire two people. It sucks, they could just appreciate you, but that's just not generally how it goes. It's not personal, and it's not a judgement on your value as a person, it's just business.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:31 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
You should take FMLA and then you should quit. Use some of your FMLA time to job search.
posted by rhymedirective at 3:33 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by rhymedirective at 3:33 PM on April 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
Just over a year ago I was you. Except a couple more years past 40, and without a partner to support me. I was however very fortunate to have a bunch of leave available to me. I took it, but only after literally over a year of not even wanting to do that as I viewed that leave as my safety net, and if i took it, no more safety net.
When I left, told myself that if I came back and things still felt this bad, I had to find a new job. I took the leave, and it did absolute wonders for my mental health and perspective. My biggest regret was not taking the leave sooner. But then I went back to work to that job, and it all just... disappeared. It took something like 3 days of the old job to bring me back to the dark place. It was then and only then I knew and really accepted I had to find a new job. It wasn't an option any more. So I did. I am in a much better place now. You will be too. It's hard, it's scary, but it's not even close to being as bad as being in that place you are in now.
Having this job does you absolutely no good if it destroys you. It's destroying you. You are allowed to make it stop.
posted by cgg at 4:08 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
When I left, told myself that if I came back and things still felt this bad, I had to find a new job. I took the leave, and it did absolute wonders for my mental health and perspective. My biggest regret was not taking the leave sooner. But then I went back to work to that job, and it all just... disappeared. It took something like 3 days of the old job to bring me back to the dark place. It was then and only then I knew and really accepted I had to find a new job. It wasn't an option any more. So I did. I am in a much better place now. You will be too. It's hard, it's scary, but it's not even close to being as bad as being in that place you are in now.
Having this job does you absolutely no good if it destroys you. It's destroying you. You are allowed to make it stop.
posted by cgg at 4:08 PM on April 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
You’re not thinking straight because this situation has stolen your ability to think straight. So I’ll think straight for you: GO.
Reasons to go: see your entire post. Reasons to stay: none.
Are you really the sort of person who will never find another job? You won’t apply to jobs, you won’t go to interviews, you won’t accept an offer? Does that really honestly sound like you? Of course not! I’m not suggesting finding something else is easy, but never working again is just simply not a realistic outcome. Also 40 is young. Your interviewers won’t know if you’re 35 or 40. Again, not suggesting ageism isn’t real but you’re blessedly a few years away from that being a barrier, especially in education.
You’re actually in a really privileged position (though of course it feels like the opposite) because you have a partner and a safety net. Honor this position and quit tomorrow. Think about how that will feel! Better already?
posted by kapers at 5:02 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
Reasons to go: see your entire post. Reasons to stay: none.
Are you really the sort of person who will never find another job? You won’t apply to jobs, you won’t go to interviews, you won’t accept an offer? Does that really honestly sound like you? Of course not! I’m not suggesting finding something else is easy, but never working again is just simply not a realistic outcome. Also 40 is young. Your interviewers won’t know if you’re 35 or 40. Again, not suggesting ageism isn’t real but you’re blessedly a few years away from that being a barrier, especially in education.
You’re actually in a really privileged position (though of course it feels like the opposite) because you have a partner and a safety net. Honor this position and quit tomorrow. Think about how that will feel! Better already?
posted by kapers at 5:02 PM on April 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
Your doctor would probably approve a medical leave for stress. Take a month, apply for jobs, see how you feel. I think you should leave. You are being required to do too much. Do Less. Work 40 hours and look for a new job.
posted by theora55 at 7:00 AM on April 7, 2023
posted by theora55 at 7:00 AM on April 7, 2023
In any case, I think you are so close to quitting that you might as well point the net affect of this out to them, which is that that started out undercompensated and now you are WAY undercompensated. They need to either compensate you better or get rid of that half-job that they've grafted onto yours.
Yes. It sounds like you are pretty much at the "nothing left to lose point". And that can actually be liberating.
I've been in similar situations. I've found that sometimes, if I make it clear that the status quo has become intolerable, people will be much more accommodating than I expected.
And sometimes they won't be. But again -- continuing as you have been is not possible! It's breaking you. And you deserve better.
So give yourself permission to quit, then tell your boss you can't keep doing the job as it's currently structured.
They may surprise you with their openness to change. Or they may tell you there's nothing they can do; then you can give your notice.
Either way, when you set those boundaries -- difficult as it can be to bring yourself to do so -- it's transformative.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:21 AM on April 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yes. It sounds like you are pretty much at the "nothing left to lose point". And that can actually be liberating.
I've been in similar situations. I've found that sometimes, if I make it clear that the status quo has become intolerable, people will be much more accommodating than I expected.
And sometimes they won't be. But again -- continuing as you have been is not possible! It's breaking you. And you deserve better.
So give yourself permission to quit, then tell your boss you can't keep doing the job as it's currently structured.
They may surprise you with their openness to change. Or they may tell you there's nothing they can do; then you can give your notice.
Either way, when you set those boundaries -- difficult as it can be to bring yourself to do so -- it's transformative.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:21 AM on April 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
« Older Can we mimic this veggie burger? | Do people bother to check if the hyperlink matches... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
That might be the best of both worlds if you think your boss might be open to it. But if it's not possible - then absolutely quit. You have five months of savings - this is exactly what you have put those savings aside FOR.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:28 PM on April 6, 2023 [7 favorites]