I need to accept feels unacceptable. How?
April 3, 2023 9:54 AM Subscribe
I am in extremely intensive therapy (we are talking 3-4 appointments a day) details below…
The triggering issues in my home life aren’t going to change anytime soon and while I organize myself I need to accept my situation. Not accepting my situation (ie the person I am with) is causing me pain and anguish. There are many instances where I need to not react and need let go. Especially in instances where it’s just not worth it. I’ve been working on boundaries here, doing therapy etc. But my situation is extremely complicated and it’s not something I can solve, like this year. Im not in physical danger but the logistics of solving this are pretty epic. One thing, it was explained to me here was that, if you have tried everything to fix something, to fix yourself, to do everything, and it doesn’t work, then you need to accept it- and then start to work on your options. But how do I start to accept. Getting upset stops me from working on my options, and thinking things will get better sometimes also stops me from working on my options. Any advice will be much appreciated. Sorry I've been so vague on the details, I need to make a new sock.
The triggering issues in my home life aren’t going to change anytime soon and while I organize myself I need to accept my situation. Not accepting my situation (ie the person I am with) is causing me pain and anguish. There are many instances where I need to not react and need let go. Especially in instances where it’s just not worth it. I’ve been working on boundaries here, doing therapy etc. But my situation is extremely complicated and it’s not something I can solve, like this year. Im not in physical danger but the logistics of solving this are pretty epic. One thing, it was explained to me here was that, if you have tried everything to fix something, to fix yourself, to do everything, and it doesn’t work, then you need to accept it- and then start to work on your options. But how do I start to accept. Getting upset stops me from working on my options, and thinking things will get better sometimes also stops me from working on my options. Any advice will be much appreciated. Sorry I've been so vague on the details, I need to make a new sock.
I found this book a wonderful short course in how to accept the terrible. There is a lot of power in looking directly at the thing you do not want to see and acknowledging exactly how you feel about it. I would be hard pressed to say how this is different from ruminating — but it feels like the opposite of ruminating — it feels like by naming it, you allow it to go away for a while. Like, yes, terrible feeling, I have seen you and heard you and given you space; now it is time to get on with the business of living (submitting resumes, packing boxes, calling lawyers, lining up temporary housing, whatever your process is going to look like).
Good luck. I’m sorry things are tough.
posted by eirias at 10:03 AM on April 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Good luck. I’m sorry things are tough.
posted by eirias at 10:03 AM on April 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
how do I start to accept
is a really good question. Because it forces consideration of the distinction between what one can deem acceptable and what one cannot, and what acceptance actually is and how it works.
My personal approach involves considering every situation for which this kind of question can arise from two different and essentially non-overlapping directions: 1. What is happening? 2. What ought to happen? and expecting that the answers to these questions, in respect of any given situation, will sometimes be quite different.
The kind of acceptance I'm willing to perform, then, becomes first about accepting the answer to question 1 - the is half. That way, I'm never trying to deny or ignore reality simply because it doesn't accord with my personal sense of justice. If I'm experiencing a conflict between what is happening and what ought to happen, then I can't realistically expect to be able to exercise such influence as I have to move things closer to where they ought to be unless I'm fully familiar with where I'm starting out from.
Closest I ever get to accepting anything related to the ought half is accepting that there is a difference right now between the is and the ought. I think it's important not to lose sight of the ought, even when the is is currently locked into a pattern that doesn't seem to be moving any closer to it. If the is is just all kinds of wrong, it's important not to sucker myself into believing that those kinds of wrong somehow don't matter simply because I'm not currently in a position to address them. Doing that is the toxic kind of acceptance that leads to apathy in the face of obvious injustice.
Which is somehow almost as vague as your question, but perhaps that makes at least some of it applicable? Best of luck with it and I hope it works out OK for you.
posted by flabdablet at 10:11 AM on April 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
is a really good question. Because it forces consideration of the distinction between what one can deem acceptable and what one cannot, and what acceptance actually is and how it works.
My personal approach involves considering every situation for which this kind of question can arise from two different and essentially non-overlapping directions: 1. What is happening? 2. What ought to happen? and expecting that the answers to these questions, in respect of any given situation, will sometimes be quite different.
The kind of acceptance I'm willing to perform, then, becomes first about accepting the answer to question 1 - the is half. That way, I'm never trying to deny or ignore reality simply because it doesn't accord with my personal sense of justice. If I'm experiencing a conflict between what is happening and what ought to happen, then I can't realistically expect to be able to exercise such influence as I have to move things closer to where they ought to be unless I'm fully familiar with where I'm starting out from.
Closest I ever get to accepting anything related to the ought half is accepting that there is a difference right now between the is and the ought. I think it's important not to lose sight of the ought, even when the is is currently locked into a pattern that doesn't seem to be moving any closer to it. If the is is just all kinds of wrong, it's important not to sucker myself into believing that those kinds of wrong somehow don't matter simply because I'm not currently in a position to address them. Doing that is the toxic kind of acceptance that leads to apathy in the face of obvious injustice.
Which is somehow almost as vague as your question, but perhaps that makes at least some of it applicable? Best of luck with it and I hope it works out OK for you.
posted by flabdablet at 10:11 AM on April 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for saying that last sock puppet, I burst into tears.
posted by pairofshades at 10:12 AM on April 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 10:12 AM on April 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
I happen to be going through a crisis where I am having appointments every other day, and honestly every day might be more appropriate.
Like The Last Sockpuppet I find the idea of "accepting" what is going on to be fraught. What I am trying to do is acknowledge that the situation exists, and keep that acknowledgment in my brain for more than the 30 seconds it takes to slip away. I have no intention of accepting the situation, I just need to hold on to its existence long enough to think about how to change it.
It's not easy, and my therapist is really earning his money here by helping me simultaneously hold what is happening while being able to consider alternatives.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:24 AM on April 3, 2023 [8 favorites]
Like The Last Sockpuppet I find the idea of "accepting" what is going on to be fraught. What I am trying to do is acknowledge that the situation exists, and keep that acknowledgment in my brain for more than the 30 seconds it takes to slip away. I have no intention of accepting the situation, I just need to hold on to its existence long enough to think about how to change it.
It's not easy, and my therapist is really earning his money here by helping me simultaneously hold what is happening while being able to consider alternatives.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:24 AM on April 3, 2023 [8 favorites]
I think there is a difference between types of acceptance. There’s “this is okay” acceptance which is maybe what you think it should be?
But there’s also “this is the reality” acceptance. And I think that’s often what therapy is going for. At least that’s what I gleaned from ACT type therapy. It’s accepting the suffering of good as reality and not spending energy fighting that. Rather energy can go into helping the situation.
Example: I am disabled. Some days it really fucking sucks. Those days the acceptance isn’t “this is okay” because it’s objectively not okay for me that day. But “this is my reality right now” allows me to figure out what to do about it. Same for overall response. This is my reality. I don’t love it. It’s not all “good!” Mentally fighting that won’t help me handle it. That’s my version of acceptance. Sort of the opposite of denial but not enjoyment.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:38 AM on April 3, 2023 [25 favorites]
But there’s also “this is the reality” acceptance. And I think that’s often what therapy is going for. At least that’s what I gleaned from ACT type therapy. It’s accepting the suffering of good as reality and not spending energy fighting that. Rather energy can go into helping the situation.
Example: I am disabled. Some days it really fucking sucks. Those days the acceptance isn’t “this is okay” because it’s objectively not okay for me that day. But “this is my reality right now” allows me to figure out what to do about it. Same for overall response. This is my reality. I don’t love it. It’s not all “good!” Mentally fighting that won’t help me handle it. That’s my version of acceptance. Sort of the opposite of denial but not enjoyment.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:38 AM on April 3, 2023 [25 favorites]
Yes, it's about accepting that this is the reality and you can't change it right now, for whatever (valid!) reasons. It's about stopping struggling against it if you can't change it, since the fruitless struggle just wears you out even more than the horrible situation.
It's not about saying, "This is an acceptable way to be treated or to be living." It's not acceptable. It is reality.
I like Crystalinne's rephrasing.
posted by lapis at 10:59 AM on April 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's not about saying, "This is an acceptable way to be treated or to be living." It's not acceptable. It is reality.
I like Crystalinne's rephrasing.
posted by lapis at 10:59 AM on April 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, this is exactly it: Getting upset stops me from working on my options, and thinking things will get better sometimes also stops me from working on my options.
Getting upset means that at some level, you think the situation "should" be different and you're focusing your energy there. You're right, but since you've tried everything to change the situation and it didn't work, focusing on this unachievable thing and letting it upset you isn't helpful. It would be like being upset because I want the sky to be purple and it's blue. I need to accept the reality and stop shaking my fist at the sky, since shaking my fist is taking energy away from things I might actually be able to do. (Buy purple sunglasses? Learn to like blue? Etc.)
Thinking things will get better is similar -- you've tried everything and they haven't gotten better, and you don't have a magic wand or absolute power over other beings, so focusing on the proven-untrue idea that things will change is keeping you from focusing on what you could do instead to make the existing situation less bad for you.
What you're describing is holding onto hope for change. But you've proven you can't change the situation. It's almost more like a grieving process than anything else -- letting go of what you wanted to have happen or wish could have happened. It's hard and it sucks, but it'll help free up your energy to protect yourself better from the current reality.
posted by lapis at 11:05 AM on April 3, 2023
Getting upset means that at some level, you think the situation "should" be different and you're focusing your energy there. You're right, but since you've tried everything to change the situation and it didn't work, focusing on this unachievable thing and letting it upset you isn't helpful. It would be like being upset because I want the sky to be purple and it's blue. I need to accept the reality and stop shaking my fist at the sky, since shaking my fist is taking energy away from things I might actually be able to do. (Buy purple sunglasses? Learn to like blue? Etc.)
Thinking things will get better is similar -- you've tried everything and they haven't gotten better, and you don't have a magic wand or absolute power over other beings, so focusing on the proven-untrue idea that things will change is keeping you from focusing on what you could do instead to make the existing situation less bad for you.
What you're describing is holding onto hope for change. But you've proven you can't change the situation. It's almost more like a grieving process than anything else -- letting go of what you wanted to have happen or wish could have happened. It's hard and it sucks, but it'll help free up your energy to protect yourself better from the current reality.
posted by lapis at 11:05 AM on April 3, 2023
Response by poster: Thank you guys very much. Yes, this is what im thinking. I will make a sock account so I can put up more personal details but I am disabled and in a very complicated interpersonal situation that has taken a SERIOUS toll on my mental health and I have big limitations and responsibilities to little ones. Please hold a wish for me. I feel like my skeleton is made of steel and I will manage this somehow but by body (feelings and emotions and brain) is bruised and bloody.
posted by pairofshades at 11:25 AM on April 3, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 11:25 AM on April 3, 2023 [11 favorites]
Think about your situation as a place you are in. You can get out of this place, but not right now. You can acknowledge you are in this place right now and also that you are going to get out of it at the same time: these are not contradictory acknowledgements. Thinking about your situation as a place you are in also may help you think about what you might be able to do in this place to a) manage its negative aspects while you are still in it; b) help prepare you to leave it more quickly or safely or whatever; and c) contemplate with happiness and peace what the new situation/place you will be in will be like and how it will be different.
You are in a place. You will be in this place for awhile. But you won't always be in this place. It is a place you are in. It is not your identity. It does not follow you around.
posted by desert exile at 3:00 PM on April 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
You are in a place. You will be in this place for awhile. But you won't always be in this place. It is a place you are in. It is not your identity. It does not follow you around.
posted by desert exile at 3:00 PM on April 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
A lot of people hate the phrase "it is what it is," but to me it just means that this is reality, you can't change it, and to just move forward from where you are. Doesn't matter how you feel about it, doesn't matter why you can't change it, it just is what it is. Period. To stay stuck in your feelings about it is to keep yourself trapped in suffering. Try that phrase on to see if it resonates. Other phrases that help sometimes when feeling stuck in a complicated situation: "Any forward motion counts." "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." You might find comfort in some resources from a Buddhist perspective, if you haven't tried that yet: some of my faves are the book "Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron and the podcast Secular Buddhism. I am holding wishes for you!!!
posted by carlypennylane at 6:43 PM on April 3, 2023
posted by carlypennylane at 6:43 PM on April 3, 2023
Pride can help. The kind of script you want runs along the line of, "I'm too smart to stay in denial about this. I'm not the kind of person that goes on letting myself get used. I have the courage to look at this clearly and deal with it. It's tempting to pretend it's not as bad as it really is, but I love myself too much not to face this. I'm not going to hide."
Accepting a situation is seldom a straight forward process. There are a lot of habits to break, and bonds that keep dragging us back. Accepting stuff can be exhausting and overwhelming. This means that over the course of a day or a week or a few months how much you accept your situation will be variable depending on how much resources you have to focus on accepting the change. If you are distracted the old habits and loyalties will creep in. If you are tired, or taken by surprise you may find yourself returning to the old patterns.
The thing to do is to keep your eyes on your end goal. Whatever it is that you need to accept - that someone you love is actively bad for you, or that you are partially at fault, or that you aren't going to be evicted because a miracle will intervene, the important thing is to go back to dealing with the situation as soon as you can muster the resources.
Sometimes it can be very hard to separate what we want to be true from what is true. For example we may want to believe that we are an ethical and generous person who is kind, and we also need to evict a bad roommate who is making us feel guilty. The conflict is paralyzing. Look for the flaw in your reasoning. It's not kind, ethical or generous to allow a bad roommate to sponge off you and lead to both of you being evicted. It's gullible and impractical. Dealing with a sponging parasite will prevent you from being able to be kind and generous because they will consume all your resources. You need to get rid of them so you can be kind and generous to people who are not abusers and will actually benefit from your kindness. Letting your roommate abuse you is just enabling them to become a worse and more selfish person.
Read about the fallacy of sunk costs and other cognitive distortions. Consider if you have been projecting things on the other people involved in the situation, such as assuming that they love you because they said so and you want to be loved. You are so much better off figuring out what a situation actually is rather than blindly acting as though it is the situation you want it to be and you know that. You know that you're only starting to understand now. There's no shame in not understanding the situation before this. They shame would be if you chose to close your eyes.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:35 PM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Accepting a situation is seldom a straight forward process. There are a lot of habits to break, and bonds that keep dragging us back. Accepting stuff can be exhausting and overwhelming. This means that over the course of a day or a week or a few months how much you accept your situation will be variable depending on how much resources you have to focus on accepting the change. If you are distracted the old habits and loyalties will creep in. If you are tired, or taken by surprise you may find yourself returning to the old patterns.
The thing to do is to keep your eyes on your end goal. Whatever it is that you need to accept - that someone you love is actively bad for you, or that you are partially at fault, or that you aren't going to be evicted because a miracle will intervene, the important thing is to go back to dealing with the situation as soon as you can muster the resources.
Sometimes it can be very hard to separate what we want to be true from what is true. For example we may want to believe that we are an ethical and generous person who is kind, and we also need to evict a bad roommate who is making us feel guilty. The conflict is paralyzing. Look for the flaw in your reasoning. It's not kind, ethical or generous to allow a bad roommate to sponge off you and lead to both of you being evicted. It's gullible and impractical. Dealing with a sponging parasite will prevent you from being able to be kind and generous because they will consume all your resources. You need to get rid of them so you can be kind and generous to people who are not abusers and will actually benefit from your kindness. Letting your roommate abuse you is just enabling them to become a worse and more selfish person.
Read about the fallacy of sunk costs and other cognitive distortions. Consider if you have been projecting things on the other people involved in the situation, such as assuming that they love you because they said so and you want to be loved. You are so much better off figuring out what a situation actually is rather than blindly acting as though it is the situation you want it to be and you know that. You know that you're only starting to understand now. There's no shame in not understanding the situation before this. They shame would be if you chose to close your eyes.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:35 PM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you are a book sort of person, you might really like Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. (Amazon link, wikipedia)
Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. In this book, he writes about the mind-set that allowed that absolutely intolerable situation.
I think you will recognize some of his famous quotes: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” and “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." However, when you read them in context you can see that this was not some optimistic, positive thinking mumbo jumbo but rather a real and thoughtful response on how one can survive something more terrible than anything I hope you or I will ever experience.
posted by metahawk at 10:25 PM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. In this book, he writes about the mind-set that allowed that absolutely intolerable situation.
I think you will recognize some of his famous quotes: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” and “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." However, when you read them in context you can see that this was not some optimistic, positive thinking mumbo jumbo but rather a real and thoughtful response on how one can survive something more terrible than anything I hope you or I will ever experience.
posted by metahawk at 10:25 PM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
First, lots and lots of love to you right now.
Second, I don’t know if this would help or hurt you. As always, trust your gut because you know best what’s right for you!! For me, “acceptance” in devastating emotional situations has been about accepting that I may never feel better about the situation or ever truly happy again. I don’t give up the fight physically but emotionally I surrender to my worse fears. The handful of times this has happened? I actually started, slowly but surely, to feel better again. However, this almost always happened after I was physically safe again and just mentally stuck, which wasn’t uncommon as I have the Teufelskreis of OCD and PTSD. I guess it’s a mixture of exposure therapy and radical acceptance although what actually helped was EMDR, medication, and love. I’m glad you’ve got support even if the situation feels unmanageable even with all the kindness from others.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:26 PM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Second, I don’t know if this would help or hurt you. As always, trust your gut because you know best what’s right for you!! For me, “acceptance” in devastating emotional situations has been about accepting that I may never feel better about the situation or ever truly happy again. I don’t give up the fight physically but emotionally I surrender to my worse fears. The handful of times this has happened? I actually started, slowly but surely, to feel better again. However, this almost always happened after I was physically safe again and just mentally stuck, which wasn’t uncommon as I have the Teufelskreis of OCD and PTSD. I guess it’s a mixture of exposure therapy and radical acceptance although what actually helped was EMDR, medication, and love. I’m glad you’ve got support even if the situation feels unmanageable even with all the kindness from others.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:26 PM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Acceptance is a fraught word, and good on you for learning that from your own experience. Also well done on seeing that fighting something is causing you suffering. That's all clear seeing!
I found it helpful to learn that accepting something doesn't necessarily mean liking or approving of it. It also isn't passive, which becomes more like resignation. Also sometimes people would try to accept something as if it was a magic word, that just accepting something will make it go away.
Accept means this is my reality right now.
Not to get all meta or anything, but I would venture to say that you might focus on accepting that you are having a lot of trouble accepting your situation. That's the reality. And it's OK.
I'd also suggest you check out Tara Brach's work, especially her book Radical Acceptance.
posted by jasper411 at 6:08 PM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I found it helpful to learn that accepting something doesn't necessarily mean liking or approving of it. It also isn't passive, which becomes more like resignation. Also sometimes people would try to accept something as if it was a magic word, that just accepting something will make it go away.
Accept means this is my reality right now.
Not to get all meta or anything, but I would venture to say that you might focus on accepting that you are having a lot of trouble accepting your situation. That's the reality. And it's OK.
I'd also suggest you check out Tara Brach's work, especially her book Radical Acceptance.
posted by jasper411 at 6:08 PM on April 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 10:00 AM on April 3, 2023 [34 favorites]