What’s Al-Anon like and did you find it helpful?
March 27, 2023 6:44 PM Subscribe
Thinking of attending an Al-Anon meeting but my social anxiety has me nervous about what it will be like and what will be expected of me. If I go to a “friends and family only” meeting will I have to speak and share my story, or share my phone number with other people, or can I just pass and listen? Is it uncomfortable to go as an atheist?
More details: I’m in the midst of a “take some time apart and evaluate whether this relationship is working” thing with my long-term partner; our main issue is their drinking and my anxiety about their drinking. I find their drinking troublesome but it is probably considered mild for alcoholism — no legal trouble, drunk driving, abusive behaviour or physical dependence — but they drink heavily most weekends, often going on benders, and sometimes get (what I see as) inappropriately and embarrassingly drunk at social occasions.
Anyway, I feel like Al-Anon might be right for me right now, but I’m somewhat anxious about going and not sure what would be expected of me as a first-timer. Also nervous about airing my dirty laundry to strangers. Can anyone who goes to Al-Anon give me an idea of what meetings are like and what it’s like to go to one?
More details: I’m in the midst of a “take some time apart and evaluate whether this relationship is working” thing with my long-term partner; our main issue is their drinking and my anxiety about their drinking. I find their drinking troublesome but it is probably considered mild for alcoholism — no legal trouble, drunk driving, abusive behaviour or physical dependence — but they drink heavily most weekends, often going on benders, and sometimes get (what I see as) inappropriately and embarrassingly drunk at social occasions.
Anyway, I feel like Al-Anon might be right for me right now, but I’m somewhat anxious about going and not sure what would be expected of me as a first-timer. Also nervous about airing my dirty laundry to strangers. Can anyone who goes to Al-Anon give me an idea of what meetings are like and what it’s like to go to one?
As a first timer the expectation for you to participate is nil. You could show up, not say a word at all and leave without so much as saying hello and it would be fine. If you want to do more, that's okay too.
Most meetings are fairly structured. They will open in the same ways, and close in the same ways. Usually a assigned person will lead the meeting and will give a quick overview of what to expect. In terms of the actual structure of the meeting, they can vary pretty widely but that's okay. Some may have a single speaker share a story, some may discuss a passage and what it means to some may be a round robin where everyone talks if they desire. You will be able to pass if you don't want to share.
The religious/higher power piece really really varies between meetings and the general make up of the group. A group that already skews a particular religion may end up incorporating speach or ideas you are not comfortable with, but other meetings may not do that at all. Some people find the higher power stuff intolerable, some people do just fine with it. Ymmv.
There's lots of reasons to not participate in Al Anon or other 12 step. Anxiety shouldn't be one of those reasons. In general people in 12 are familiar with people passing through and people in some of sort of distress ( people with enough motivation to come to a first meeting).
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:58 PM on March 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
Most meetings are fairly structured. They will open in the same ways, and close in the same ways. Usually a assigned person will lead the meeting and will give a quick overview of what to expect. In terms of the actual structure of the meeting, they can vary pretty widely but that's okay. Some may have a single speaker share a story, some may discuss a passage and what it means to some may be a round robin where everyone talks if they desire. You will be able to pass if you don't want to share.
The religious/higher power piece really really varies between meetings and the general make up of the group. A group that already skews a particular religion may end up incorporating speach or ideas you are not comfortable with, but other meetings may not do that at all. Some people find the higher power stuff intolerable, some people do just fine with it. Ymmv.
There's lots of reasons to not participate in Al Anon or other 12 step. Anxiety shouldn't be one of those reasons. In general people in 12 are familiar with people passing through and people in some of sort of distress ( people with enough motivation to come to a first meeting).
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:58 PM on March 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
The first thing to know is that meetings vary. Some are just like what you've likely seen on TV or in the movies: a group of people sharing their stories about their addiction and what they're doing to stay sober. But I've been to meetings that were organized like prayer revivals and at least one that was disturbingly cult-like. Get a list of meetings, go to one and hang out in the back until you decide if this one is OK for you. If not, try a different meeting.
Second, you don't need to share anything. In fact, I'd suggest just listening to others for the first few meetings. You learn more by listening than by speaking. Eventually, you may want to share, but there's no pressure to do so.
Third, regarding sharing personal information: don't. "Anonymous", remember? You may, in time, want to find a sponsor and you'd have to share name and number with this person. But you should wait on getting a sponsor until you know the program is good for you.
Finally, the religious/higher power aspect of the program is something you'll need to think about. It works for some people, but it's a turn-off for others.
My personal experience is that AA wasn't a good fit for me. The program is more than a little out-dated and doesn't reflect the research that's been done in the area of addiction in the last 50 years. You may want to look into alternatives, such as Rational Recovery.
posted by SPrintF at 7:00 PM on March 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
Second, you don't need to share anything. In fact, I'd suggest just listening to others for the first few meetings. You learn more by listening than by speaking. Eventually, you may want to share, but there's no pressure to do so.
Third, regarding sharing personal information: don't. "Anonymous", remember? You may, in time, want to find a sponsor and you'd have to share name and number with this person. But you should wait on getting a sponsor until you know the program is good for you.
Finally, the religious/higher power aspect of the program is something you'll need to think about. It works for some people, but it's a turn-off for others.
My personal experience is that AA wasn't a good fit for me. The program is more than a little out-dated and doesn't reflect the research that's been done in the area of addiction in the last 50 years. You may want to look into alternatives, such as Rational Recovery.
posted by SPrintF at 7:00 PM on March 27, 2023 [5 favorites]
I stopped going because I found it incompatible with my atheism, which specifically rules out the concept of a "higher power" that is part of multiple steps of recovery in Al-Anon. I was unable to will myself to believe in something.
It's not a religious program but is very much a spiritual one.
(ETA: I even attended queer meetings which I assumed would be less spiritual but they were not)
posted by CancerSucks at 7:00 PM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's not a religious program but is very much a spiritual one.
(ETA: I even attended queer meetings which I assumed would be less spiritual but they were not)
posted by CancerSucks at 7:00 PM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Go to some different meetings and check it out.
I am another atheist who found the higher power stuff . . . annoying. Six of the twelve Al-Anon steps mention God or a higher power. I couldn't get past being around people who were looking for a god to help them, the constant religious references and the AA insistence on having to have some higher power.
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:19 PM on March 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
I am another atheist who found the higher power stuff . . . annoying. Six of the twelve Al-Anon steps mention God or a higher power. I couldn't get past being around people who were looking for a god to help them, the constant religious references and the AA insistence on having to have some higher power.
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:19 PM on March 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't worry about a thing, just go. If you're early, be prepared to answer a friendly inquiry about why you're there but your response can be brief. In my experience the talkers gravitate to the inner circle of chairs, while the edges are for observers and supporters. If anything bothers you, just stand up and leave (holding up your phone if you feel an excuse is necessary). Maybe put a dollar in the coffee fund on your way out.
posted by Rash at 7:30 PM on March 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Rash at 7:30 PM on March 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Nthing what everybody else is saying, with particular emphasis on two things:
-- You definitely don't need to say a word if you don't want to.
-- Every meeting is different. Try one, and then maybe try another too. You might find you like one with a particular vibe, or dislike another for whatever reason.
Would it help you feel less anxious to memorize a simple phrase you can say if anyone asks you anything? You can say, "I'm here because my life is being affected by someone else's drinking" and leave it at that.
Literally *everyone* at an Al-Anon meeting is in the same situation as you. They're *all* there because their lives are being affected by someone's drinking. (Me too.)
Lastly, I'm only the tiniest bit religious, and not of the majority religion. I shrug off any part of Al-Anon that doesn't match up with my personal beliefs. As someone mentioned to me once, your "higher power" might be your cat, the moon, Lady Gaga or those sneakers you mean to purchase. Definite it for yourself.
And whether you end up going to a meeting or not, maybe the Three C's will be helpful: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:37 PM on March 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
-- You definitely don't need to say a word if you don't want to.
-- Every meeting is different. Try one, and then maybe try another too. You might find you like one with a particular vibe, or dislike another for whatever reason.
Would it help you feel less anxious to memorize a simple phrase you can say if anyone asks you anything? You can say, "I'm here because my life is being affected by someone else's drinking" and leave it at that.
Literally *everyone* at an Al-Anon meeting is in the same situation as you. They're *all* there because their lives are being affected by someone's drinking. (Me too.)
Lastly, I'm only the tiniest bit religious, and not of the majority religion. I shrug off any part of Al-Anon that doesn't match up with my personal beliefs. As someone mentioned to me once, your "higher power" might be your cat, the moon, Lady Gaga or those sneakers you mean to purchase. Definite it for yourself.
And whether you end up going to a meeting or not, maybe the Three C's will be helpful: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:37 PM on March 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
I love Al-Anon! But it has been many years since I have attended so my memory for specifics is not great. I have never been at an Al-Anon meeting where I felt required to talk, although I believe new people were invited to introduce themselves if they want to. One thing I like about it is it's against 12 step culture to cross-talk, so you share and then folks listen supportively but don't like, answer you or give you advice. Sometimes people say something like, "I really resonated with what I heard" or something like that but that's about it. You're likely to hear stories that feel more extreme than yours and also some that likely resonate with your experience, and some that feel very different. All without judgement.
posted by latkes at 7:45 PM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by latkes at 7:45 PM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
In AA they will say that you can replace the Higher Power with the Group of Drunks (GOD), there isn't as snazzy an equivalent line for Al Anon. But chances are very good you will still start the meeting with the Serenity prayer. There's no escaping it. Al Anon will want you to "work the steps" the same as the alcoholic in your life. 9 of those steps are about God. I couldn't work the steps because I lack faith, and I'm not about to find it, so I didn't keep going.
posted by dis_integration at 7:52 PM on March 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by dis_integration at 7:52 PM on March 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
With the caveat that I went to Al-Anon meetings in NYC, where I think they are much more of a catch-all than maybe in some other places (meaning that, in my experience, qualifiers are a very loose concept and people with all sorts of codependency issues etc. just go), I think none of the things that you are concerned about would be an issue. No one is very expected to share, or speak in any capacity, and certainly no one is expected to give phone numbers.
I am not religious at all, and I was not uncomfortable -- but again, this is NYC. Might have been a different vibe in a more conservative/traditional community.
One of the core sayings of Al-Anon is "take what you like and leave the rest." I found that to be very true. I was never interested in working the steps, but I found it super helpful in that it gave me a vocabulary to understand much of what went on in my marriage, and a heuristic for recognizing certain resonances with family dynamics both in my own family (where there had been no substance abuse, but where mental health issues created a family structure very similar to an alcoholic family one), and in the family of my ex-husband, whose grandparents were alcoholics, and whose father is a classic ACOA. Having that vocabulary and the ability to name and narrate what I experienced made it easier for me to process things that had been baffling or confusing or foggy beforehand.
posted by virve at 8:04 PM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am not religious at all, and I was not uncomfortable -- but again, this is NYC. Might have been a different vibe in a more conservative/traditional community.
One of the core sayings of Al-Anon is "take what you like and leave the rest." I found that to be very true. I was never interested in working the steps, but I found it super helpful in that it gave me a vocabulary to understand much of what went on in my marriage, and a heuristic for recognizing certain resonances with family dynamics both in my own family (where there had been no substance abuse, but where mental health issues created a family structure very similar to an alcoholic family one), and in the family of my ex-husband, whose grandparents were alcoholics, and whose father is a classic ACOA. Having that vocabulary and the ability to name and narrate what I experienced made it easier for me to process things that had been baffling or confusing or foggy beforehand.
posted by virve at 8:04 PM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
In addition to how varied the meeting experience can be, I think how "helpful" it will be is dependent also dependent on what you want to get out of it. I tried it a couple of times (and I also went to Alateen when I was younger) and I didn't like it, but I think it did help me identify what kind of support I actually did want/need.
posted by sm1tten at 9:11 PM on March 27, 2023
posted by sm1tten at 9:11 PM on March 27, 2023
Maybe try a phone or online meeting first?
I found al-anon meetings helpful and never actually worked all the steps. The two locations where I attended meetings had very different vibes, and going to one isn’t like going to another.
As an atheist, I’ve been to meetings that felt like church groups and meetings that did not.
posted by OrangeVelour at 9:21 AM on March 28, 2023
I found al-anon meetings helpful and never actually worked all the steps. The two locations where I attended meetings had very different vibes, and going to one isn’t like going to another.
As an atheist, I’ve been to meetings that felt like church groups and meetings that did not.
posted by OrangeVelour at 9:21 AM on March 28, 2023
Nthing what everyone else is saying about trying different meetings. You might also want to try NarAnon even if the issue is alcohol. I went to a NarAnon meeting in my old city that was amazing, not religious at all, and I think kind of literally saved my life. My qualifying person has /had issues with both alcohol and drugs and I have a long family background of alcoholism - there's a lot of crossover for many people and definitely in that particular group. I think NarAnon tends a little more relaxed and less religious. There are usually lots of choices, although not if you live in a rural area, more's the pity. There is no NarAnon here and the AlAnon in my current small rural area is terrible, very step focused, and I quit after three or four meetings. You really can't tell until you visit. It is worth a try. You have nothing to lose but an hour or so of time and much to possibly gain. If you find one that works for you, I am here to tell you that it can be life changing. Just knowing that other people were experiencing the exact same things as me was such a huge, amazing relief.
Once you find the place, generally a church basement, you can just sit down. There will usually be some literature around; you can keep that if you want. Sometimes there are books put out that will be referenced during the meeting; those you need to leave behind. You can buy one; there will be an announcement at the end of the meeting. They will also pass a donation box or two around; bring a couple dollars to stuff in there if you want, or don't. The meeting will start with the person who is chairing it - there's usually a rotation - asking everyone to be quiet and then they will take it from there. Often there's a reading and then people can respond to that reading with something from their own life or they can just talk about something that's bothering them. People generally speak in order, around the circle, or if it's a bigger meeting they raise their hands.
Nobody will expect you to say anything about your specific situation, ever, but particularly at your first meeting. They may go around the room at the beginning for introductions and you can just say, hi I'm jane and this is my first meeting and they'll all be very nice. Or you can just say, as above, I'm jane and I'm being affected by alcohol abuse in my family and leave it at that. It's all good. Nobody will pry.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:58 PM on March 28, 2023
Once you find the place, generally a church basement, you can just sit down. There will usually be some literature around; you can keep that if you want. Sometimes there are books put out that will be referenced during the meeting; those you need to leave behind. You can buy one; there will be an announcement at the end of the meeting. They will also pass a donation box or two around; bring a couple dollars to stuff in there if you want, or don't. The meeting will start with the person who is chairing it - there's usually a rotation - asking everyone to be quiet and then they will take it from there. Often there's a reading and then people can respond to that reading with something from their own life or they can just talk about something that's bothering them. People generally speak in order, around the circle, or if it's a bigger meeting they raise their hands.
Nobody will expect you to say anything about your specific situation, ever, but particularly at your first meeting. They may go around the room at the beginning for introductions and you can just say, hi I'm jane and this is my first meeting and they'll all be very nice. Or you can just say, as above, I'm jane and I'm being affected by alcohol abuse in my family and leave it at that. It's all good. Nobody will pry.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:58 PM on March 28, 2023
I'm not religious at all, and found I could tune out the spiritual aspects as much as I wanted. Especially since it was constantly brought up that a Higher Power could be the group, could be the universe and physics, literally anything. I found it all genuinely helpful. And I can also see how those Higher Power aspects were helpful in getting some mental distance from the problem and my perceived 'solutions' and old unhelpful narratives. I believe that Higher Power stuff plays a role beyond a strictly spiritual one. I can see parallels of the program with very current therapy modalities (ACT, DBT, etc.), and I don't think it is archaic at all.
I also have extreme social anxiety and am much better one-on-one, so the group aspect was extremely challenging for me even though everyone was very nice. I could sit silently with absolutely no problem, but just being in a room with people could be overwhelming at the time. But it had tons of worth for me, and continues to be helpful when I remember certain skills and principles. I also really like the books they publish, lots of people sharing lots of hard-earned and relevant wisdom in my opinion.
posted by asimplemouse at 10:34 AM on March 29, 2023
I also have extreme social anxiety and am much better one-on-one, so the group aspect was extremely challenging for me even though everyone was very nice. I could sit silently with absolutely no problem, but just being in a room with people could be overwhelming at the time. But it had tons of worth for me, and continues to be helpful when I remember certain skills and principles. I also really like the books they publish, lots of people sharing lots of hard-earned and relevant wisdom in my opinion.
posted by asimplemouse at 10:34 AM on March 29, 2023
There are some very large Zoom meetings where it's very easy to stay in the background. Just make sure your name doesn't include your full name, to preserve your anonymity. Please message me if you want the login information.
I agree with what's been said above about how gentle Al-Anon is, and also "take what you like and leave the rest". I have found it to be a very safe space.
posted by redyaky at 12:09 PM on March 29, 2023
I agree with what's been said above about how gentle Al-Anon is, and also "take what you like and leave the rest". I have found it to be a very safe space.
posted by redyaky at 12:09 PM on March 29, 2023
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There was an opening prayer and some people referenced god in their speaking, and I was offered some pamphlets to take with me and I think some of them referenced religion. It was more religion than I wanted and a large part of why I didn't go long term, but it wasn't *hugely* uncomfortable for me as an atheist to sit quietly through a prayer. I wasn't asked to speak to my own religion or lack thereof.
Mostly what was useful for me was to go a few times and get a certain baseline sense of what other family of alcoholics experienced - it was really eye opening to see that some things I'd felt really alone with were actually nearly universal. Gave me some needed perspective on what I could and couldn't change by trying harder or loving more, and made me feel less isolated.
I was glad I went a few times, but didn't find it a community I needed to be part of on an ongoing basis.
posted by Stacey at 6:56 PM on March 27, 2023 [6 favorites]