Need help creating my online dating profile

March 19, 2023 11:07 PM

I haven't been dating because I hate everything about creating an online dating profile. Where can I go to get help? Are dating coaches legit?

Even writing this makes me uncomfortable so I'm going to just jot down issues:

It seems like Hinge is the dominant dating app for people seeking serious relationships in my area (Bay Area) but I really dislike their rigid, prompts-only system. Self-promotion makes me uncomfortable and I think my audience, women who date men, are somewhat skeptical and jaded (because of the shitty guys also on these apps), which doesn't ease my writer's block.

My photos are terrible.

Please believe that my friends are not up for helping me with this. Also, I'm already in therapy and she suggested that I find a dating coach. How do I find one? I actually do fairly well on dates and I've been in several long-term relationships, so i don't need a lot of coaching. I just need to get a decent profile together so I can get on the apps.

Thanks for any help or suggestions.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total)

There are Bay Area dating profile writers, such as Eddie Hernandez, but he charges big bucks. But then, he was once profiled by NYT. He will also assist you with online dating as a dating coach, plus be a photographer.
posted by kschang at 11:19 PM on March 19, 2023

Better not to think you are 'promoting' yourself. That language is capitalistic, corporate, dry and completely useless here. Instead think about 'expressing' yourself, or consider 'experimenting' with different interpretations of the Hinge format. Don't take it so seriously. Really. Just have some fun with it. But please don't say 'I am looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously' on your profile :) the ultimate dating app cliche.

Treat your Hinge profile building like a game. Choose prompts that you can be playful with. Don't say negative things, or make fun of the dating app system. Just be yourself. Try stuff out. If it doesn't sit right with you after a day or so, try another prompt. It's fine. You are not aiming to create the perfect advert for you that will attract all the women in the world. You are aiming to express yourself, and that sometimes means putting people off as much as attracting others. That's GREAT. Hopefully the right people for you will find you and think the same. It will take time, a few mistakes, and definitely a few dates before you get into the flow of it. That's also fine. Learn as you go along. Ask other people on the app how it is working for them. We're all in this together.

You could see Hinge as a rigid set of prompts, OR as a playground where you can express yourself and be creative. It's a game, the whole thing. Choose a range of photos that show different sides of your personality. Just make sure a couple of them are clear facial shots. The rest can show you in all sorts of situations, on the beach, being drunk and silly, a particularly playful selfie you took to make your friends laugh on social media, even a meme or other image that showcases your interests or sense of humour. It doesn't matter what you choose, as long as you enjoy building the profile. Don't be precious. This isn't a competition. There isn't a time limit.

I am not offering myself as some sort of expert here, but if you would like some honest feedback from someone who enjoys dating apps and especially likes Hinge's format, then hit me up.
posted by 0bvious at 4:45 AM on March 20, 2023 [6 favorites]

I'm a woman who dates men, I like online dating, have dated many men I've met online, and have literally years of giving extremely opinionated online dating advice here on metafilter if that's the kind of thing you're looking for. Example. Feel free to memail me if you want, I like this stuff.
posted by phunniemee at 5:23 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Think of it as 1) reaching out to the person who is waiting for you, and 2) saving some women heartbreak by telling them where your boundaries are.
posted by amtho at 5:43 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Hi anonymous, I'm your mirror opposite. I'm a woman who dates men on the opposite coast, but I share your feelings about these blasted apps. I find the absurd questions a turn off, not in sync with my personality at all, and encourage a falseness that is the last thing I want, yet the apps are the only game in town, so it's a bind. This is what I'm telling myself as I, also, try to set up a profile on Hinge: First, get some pics that aren't "terrible" -- some pics you like. Enlist a dating coach, or a low-key someone who will take photos of you, or whatever it. You need SIX for Hinge. That was the stumbling block for me, but I finally gathered enough. Once they're done, just answer the three or so least awful questions. Try the voice prompts, because hearing someone's voice is nice. I agree with the person who says not to make fun of the app, though it's hard not to. Another piece of advice is try to wait for a moment to tackle the prompts when you're feeling most open and receptive, least resistant. The prompts and questions ARE lame, so just make the best of it. Good luck.
posted by gigondas at 8:02 AM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

My photos are terrible.

What does that mean? When I was a woman using dating apps to meet men, I found it a turn-off when a man had clearly hired a professional photographer for their profile - because I don't want to see what I potential partner looks like on a photoshoot, I want to get a little sense of who they are - plus, hiring a professional just for a dating app suggested the person took dating a bit more seriously than I did, and made me wonder whether they'd be the type to make a big production out of everything.

What I did want to see - at least one full body picture (i.e. evidence they were confident about whatever they looked like), a picture that demonstrated they weren't a total loner (i.e. photo with a friend or two), and then a few pictures that revealed bits of their hobbies/daily life - I didn't even care if these photos had much (or any!) of them visible - could be their hand holding a pastry from their favorite bakery, their cat sprawled on their lap, whatever. I really didn't care how "good" the photos were.

I stopped dating pre-Hinge, so I can't comment on that specifically, but I didn't necessarily prefer longer profiles. All I really wanted was a sense of who the person was - what are some views/values you hold strongly? what are the activities you really enjoy? Your favorite TV show/film? Favorite novel? That's really all you need to share for some people.

And yeah, before hiring someone (and I'm also kinda skeptical of dating coaches, given how idiosyncratic people's dating needs are) feel free to just post your profile here - Mefites are pretty good at pointing out any wording that might be unnecessarily turning people off from your profile.
posted by coffeecat at 8:29 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

1. Jadedness and Skepticism.
I'm a woman who dates men. You're right, I'm pretty jaded! Same as you! Like, you don't sound optimistic or excited about your chances on the online dating scene either, you know? Your post makes you sound exactly the way I feel: intimidated and wary and sort of have an attitude of "the water is probably freezing, but fuck it, I'm jumping in, may god have mercy on my soul."

So, okay, here we all are, jaded and yet still taking the plunge. The last bit is all that counts, right? Like, you're never going to break through anybody's defenses just with the power of a magically perfect dating profile. That's not what dating profiles are even for. I suspect your paralysis will disappear once you stop putting pressure on yourself to create a dating profile which will make jaded women believe in romance again and leap tall buildings in a single bound and whatever else.

2. Dating coaches
If you've been in several long term relationships, I strongly doubt you need a dating coach? Even if you've been out of the dating market for a very long time, it's just a matter of familiarizing yourself with the apps and the mores, not ... learning how to date. I think your intuition is right on the money there. You know how to date already. And the fact that several of your relationships have been long term means you also know how to pick the right types of partners. IDK why your therapist suggested this to you. Maybe you just started seeing her and she doesn't know you very well, or maybe she doesn't have any idea what dating coaches do? Doesn't matter. I'd trust your gut on this one.

3. Photos (and your friends)
What the fuck is wrong with your friends, man??!! I'm sorry I tried to find a nice way to say it but what the fuuuuck is their problem?! It's not that hard to take a couple of pics of you dressed up for a party, pics of you cooking in your kitchen, pics of you dancing, etc. What the fuck does it even MEAN that they're refusing to help you? Are they truly such colossal jerks and if so maybe you need new friends? (sorry it's just the most bizarre detail in your post and I'm hyperfixating on it.) Look, here's what you do, tag along with your local hiking group next weekend and literally just tell the entire group, "Hey I'm trying to build my dating profile, so whoever helps me get a few manly sweaty photos in flattering light gets beers on me tonight." It's that easy.

Why do I want regular people to take better pictures of you instead of a professional? Because every woman I know who dates men doesn't trust a profile full of pictures that look professional. ONE pro photo in a set of at least four or five more normal ones - okay, that's cool. TWO - maybe, if it's obviously on two different occasions and reflects very different moods. Any more than that, and it starts to raise questions like, are you a superficial poseur who's waayy to into curating a perfect image? are you so insecure you can't share normal photos? are you (ugh ugh ugh ugh) an ~influencer~? So don't waste your money. Stick with photos shot by regular people.

4. Selling yourself

To bring this full circle, now that you're no longer trying to create a profile that can break through women's jadedness, here's a few things I look for in a guy's profile which makes me swipe yes:

1. A fully filled-out profile. I come across people who just enter the mandatory minimum info about their age and location and then the rest is just photos - automatic NOPE. In contrast, someone who's taken the time to note whether they have kids, whether they smoke weed, where they're from, etc. and filled out several written-reponse prompts - yes please! A neat thing I see on some guys' profiles is a first sentence that starts like, "My friends say I'm ________ and ______." Fill in the blanks with interesting and flattering adjectives, and/or a descriptive phrase like "the kind of person who would know how to hide a giraffe from the government". Of course, your friends are fucking maniacs who won't help you, so just pretend you have better friends and write what the ideal friend would say :P

2. Several well-lit, non-grainy pictures which are all obviously within the last few months/ 1 yr (exception: one preferably embarrassing pic of them as a child), which gives me a good idea of what they look like (CLOTHED, please, have mercy).

3. "Yourself" is the key word in the phrase selling yourself. Does it sound vague and hokey to say 'be yourself' in your profile? Fine, let's get specific:
3.a. One concrete guidance that emerges from this principle is, don't hide any part of your body even if you're insecure about it. e.g. don't wear a hat or baseball cap in every pic or even in most pics! Gird your loins and flaunt your bareheaded self in at least half of them. I promise you that your hairline is way more attractive than your insecurity about it!! e.g. don't suck in your stomach, have at least a couple of pictures where you're having a blast with the belly hanging out - might be a good place for an action shot! mid-twirl on the dance floor or just jumped off the diving board or flipping the contents of a wok.
3.b. One thing it *doesn't* mean is "you must showcase your whole self right here right now". Save the detailed technical specifications for your in-person dates. A teaser trailer is what you're aiming for. For every "I love tacos!!!" (an endearing and totally self-explanatory revelation), let there be an "I saw the Dalai Lama at the airport and blurted out the most inappropriate greeting!" (a little mystery that invites questions and promises fun answers).
posted by MiraK at 9:34 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

I am a man who dates women who has used dating apps to successfully get a fair amount of dates. I agree with the above to answer the prompts honestly but if possible, playfully - something that encourages people to riff with you rather than just agree with you.

- So rather than: "My Last Meal Would Be: Pizza" (um...ok cool not sure what to do with that)
- Instead it could be: "My Last Meal Would Be: A slice from Sal's - the best pizza in town hands down. Open to new suggestions though..." (omg no way the best slice is from Dominics blah blah blah!)

There's a lot of very boring profiles out there and it's nice when people aren't afraid to be a little opinionated, or seem genuinely interested both share/hear everyone's own hot takes.

As for pictures, I know you mentioned your friends have zero interest in helping you here but it's really your only option short of like, hiring a task rabbit or something to take some non-professional looking candids of you on a phone. In fact, when I see profiles with too many selfies or professional head shot type pics I start to wonder if the person even has friends, or an active social life. So if you do: perhaps when you're socializing with friends you can say, "by the way I'm finally making a dating profile so do me a favor - take a few candid pics of me ok? If I get a date from them I'll buy you dinner." You ideally want pics of yourself doing stuff and living your life, rather than just standing around facing the camera.
posted by windbox at 10:23 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Take pictures that show what your life is like. If you like biking and want a partner to bike with show that! Any significant hobbies or lifestyle choices apply. If your friends won’t help, just take some staged candid photos. Take a ton of these with a self timer while going about your life and then after a few weeks pick the best five.

The prompts can be silly but use them to define three things: what you like to do, who you’re looking for, and what you’d like to do while dating. The advice above on writing these in a way that invites conversation is good too. Above all it’s not about making a profile that appeals to the largest amount of women, it’s about targeting the specific kind of woman you want to date bc that’s going to be the best dates and ultimately lead to compatibility.
posted by cakebatter at 1:24 PM on March 20, 2023

You know, I doubt you need a dating coach. There's good advice out there and a lot of it is pretty consistent and it's not rocket science. I feel like the thing it usually boils down to is "treat each date like a thing you're doing for fun and not a determiner of all future happiness and if it leads to a next date, great, and if it doesn't, it's just a thing you did."

Anyway you're asking about the ad and the photos. For the photos I want to say phone cameras are great these days and there's usually a timer and, at least on iphones, portrait mode which automatically takes a reasonably good picture by blurring the background. A little stand will also be your friend, so it doesn't look as much like a selfie. Take it in sunlight if possible. The only real trick is looking relaxed for the photo if you're not feeling relaxed. The only thing I can suggest is take a TON of photos, and while you're doing it, try and think about different things, maybe something funny, maybe something relaxing, and then go through that ton of photos and see which one finds you looking relatable.

For the text stuff, maybe just take the prompts as dumb questions to which you can still give a clever answer. I don't think it's worth really fighting this part. They're formulaic because they're there for a huge dating population that isn't necessarily as verbal as you are. I'm not sure there are better ones that won't do this. Just get an answer down, be mad about it, come back later, and edit it to sound like you're not annoyed by the whole process. It's a hoop to jump through like ones in other areas of life. Nobody's thrilled to be writing an ad (I just wrote one a week or two ago) and the kind of people you're interested in may understand that you're just trying to give a basic gist of who you are for determining whether it's worth meeting up.
posted by less-of-course at 4:17 PM on March 20, 2023

I had a lot of fun on Hinge. (Part due to my attitude that it was a fun game and I like meeting people. A boring date is still an interesting experience.) (I'm a woman in southern CA.)

PHOTOS:
Hinge's advice about photos is pretty good - go for variety in your shots. Choose pictures of you doing things that you normally do, that show your personality.

I had a video of me jiggling pizza dough, a photo of me hanging from a state border sign, and a photo of me participating in a niche subculture.

PROMPTS:
The prompts are difficult. It took a long time for me to fine-tune my answers to show my personality. What's charming about you? What do you cultivate in your life?

There are soooo many profiles that just say "pizza" or "tacos" or "beer" as the one-word answer to a prompt. Snooooze, unless you're mentioning something more unique to you. "Sneaking a whole pizza into the movies" "making tacos and letting my dog sniff all the ingredients" "bringing a couple beers and my knitting to the duck pond". What are you like, not what do you like.

CHATTING:
HUGE - always send a comment, not just a like. I assume people who just sent a like are not looking at my profile, they're going for quantity.
Also, the comment should relate to something in my or your profile, or a question that will prompt a conversation. "How's your day treating you" and "got any fun plans this weekend" is small talk for a cashier.

ELSEWHERE
Another resource: r/hingeapp is an interesting read. If you submit, they'll be honest and straightforward without sugarcoating.

I also saved screenshots of profiles I really liked so I could refer back to them when I was working on my own profile.

I can tell you more specifics via memail.
posted by meemzi at 6:10 PM on March 20, 2023

Lots of good advice here. As an introvert who likes introvert guys I wasn't too bothered by selfie photos so long as a. The guy was smiling b. It was not in his car c. He didn't wear shades and a hat. I agree that pics of things you do (crafts, meals) are interesting, even if all I see is part of your arm.

Don't do like a lot of guys who treat it like a baseball card and list only stats, as in what sports they do+how many countries they've visited. Who cares?

Do tell me why you love doing something. What are your favorite things to do and why? Be a little vulnerable. Maybe you don't want to get decrepit too fast. Maybe your mental health does better. Maybe it helps you make friends, or sleep better, or feel like you are expanding your mind, whatever.

Also mention what you are looking for specifically. Too many guy profiles read like "my wife left and there is a woman-shaped hole in my life that needs filling so I don't feel lonely." Show that you have put some thought into what didn't work for you before and what specifically you are seeking now. My profile specified guys who are working on themselves and don't expect me to fix their mental issues, as an example. Pick one or two things like that that matter to you.

And good luck! It's really not that bad!
posted by emjaybee at 7:11 AM on March 21, 2023

Hm, if you hate online dating are there any speed dating events near you? Different kind of pressure but at least you won’t have to get photos, right?
posted by ec2y at 3:15 AM on March 29, 2023