Advice on sorting a loved one’s home after death?
March 19, 2023 11:07 PM Subscribe
I would appreciate advice or lessons from experiences sorting out and cleaning up a family home, particularly around any of the following: sentimental feelings with the house being in the family multiple generations, logistics of sorting a lot of personal items, timeline of doing so with respect to still grieving the loss of the loved one who was living there.
Notes in my particular case are:
It’s a very full home - a lot of clothes, knickknacks, house wares, papers, photos to sort through.
Entire home is still full of those things from grandparents era too. Everything went into drawers, closets, crawl spaces, attic areas, etc.
I live out of state with my spouse in an apartment - I can’t just take some items day by day to put in a basement and sort it later.
I was very close to my parent who was living there independently, we video chatted every day and texted often — still very sad and grieving this loss. The one week I went back to try to tackle this in the evenings while working remotely I only got two days in before the deep depression set in. Maybe it will get easier to manage this in time?
No siblings but family friend is checking in regularly on the house to help. I feel guilty about this admittedly, so can’t put this off forever. It feels like it will take a lifetime to work through this right now though, and it is daunting.
Personal stories about how long this took for you if you’ve been through this are welcome.
Thank you.
Notes in my particular case are:
It’s a very full home - a lot of clothes, knickknacks, house wares, papers, photos to sort through.
Entire home is still full of those things from grandparents era too. Everything went into drawers, closets, crawl spaces, attic areas, etc.
I live out of state with my spouse in an apartment - I can’t just take some items day by day to put in a basement and sort it later.
I was very close to my parent who was living there independently, we video chatted every day and texted often — still very sad and grieving this loss. The one week I went back to try to tackle this in the evenings while working remotely I only got two days in before the deep depression set in. Maybe it will get easier to manage this in time?
No siblings but family friend is checking in regularly on the house to help. I feel guilty about this admittedly, so can’t put this off forever. It feels like it will take a lifetime to work through this right now though, and it is daunting.
Personal stories about how long this took for you if you’ve been through this are welcome.
Thank you.
I had to do this for the house shared by my dad and his brother, I wrote about it on mefi in 2020
I recommend doing this with another person .. it's hard mentally. I did it alone but not a good idea, but no choice. It took me three days, I stayed in a busy hostel lots of people at end of day which helped (normally I avoid people). Be as kind to yourself as you can.
posted by unearthed at 1:30 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
I recommend doing this with another person .. it's hard mentally. I did it alone but not a good idea, but no choice. It took me three days, I stayed in a busy hostel lots of people at end of day which helped (normally I avoid people). Be as kind to yourself as you can.
posted by unearthed at 1:30 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah, don’t try this alone. Even if you’re the only family, ask friends to come keep you company. If they were friendly with neighbors or community members, invite them over for an afternoon beverage and ask if they would like anything as a way to break up the days. If you really can’t find anyone to be there with you in person, set up a video chat so different long distance folks can keep you company virtually. Ask them to go ahead and do stuff near their camera, like work or crafting or whatever. Maybe someone needs motivation to clean their own home and you can have some mutual motivation going on. And if you manage in-person company, tell them to bring something to keep them busy. It’s just really important not to be alone when you do this kind of life task.
Depending on the local area and the fanciness level of all the stuff, you might look into doing an estate sale. Since you mention previous generations of stuff, there might be some antiques and collectible vintage home items that justify hiring an estate sale agent. It may also just be worth reaching out to some in the area because they often have connections to other methods of dealing with a houseful of stuff.
Was your parent involved in a religious community? When one of my family members died, there was a lot of help from their synagogue. Not just the immediate funeral and shiva stuff, but afterwards people from the local sisterhood and brotherhood chapters and an associate rabbi reached out to extended family as far on as months later, to check in and provide assistance if needed. There were volunteers to come bring by food for family that was sorting through the house, and discussions of which things would be extra appreciated as donations to congregation members in need or people involved in the childcare branch of the synagogue. Recommendations of clothing consignment shops, appraisers, house cleaners who would do a deep clean afterward, all kinds of connections and information about the area. This was a conservative Jewish synagogue on the east coast of the US, but I suspect similarities exist with worship communities all over. There might also be something secular like a senior community center or club that you could get in touch with.
I think the thing that determines your timeline is the house itself. Is it staying in the family? Are you selling it? Is it in an area prone to floods or other environmental factors that would make it unwise to treat it as storage for too long? If you need to and you have the money, you can hire movers to pack everything up, papers and nicknacks and all, and place it in an actual storage unit closer to your home. Then you get down to the business of dealing with the house itself. It might make sense to see if the sale of the house can retroactively pay for that. Even if you don’t have much budget, talk to a local real estate agent and see if they have suggestions, such as the best time to sell, companies they’ve worked with well on other similar jobs, all that. This can help you build a timeline and create motivation.
I guess in general my advice is to reach out to local professionals and community members. This is an absolutely normal circumstance, although that doesn’t lessen its personal difficulty. But since it happens a lot, there are people who will be able to help, whether for money or for community support or for sentimental reasons.
One specific thing. I suggest gathering all the photos you can find and bringing them back home with you to go over a bit at a time. Photos can be particularly hard to sort, but they are usually pretty small and easy to transport. They may also help you while you grieve, so you can work through some of those emotions at home instead of being confronted with them all at once when you go to the house.
posted by Mizu at 3:37 AM on March 20, 2023 [12 favorites]
Depending on the local area and the fanciness level of all the stuff, you might look into doing an estate sale. Since you mention previous generations of stuff, there might be some antiques and collectible vintage home items that justify hiring an estate sale agent. It may also just be worth reaching out to some in the area because they often have connections to other methods of dealing with a houseful of stuff.
Was your parent involved in a religious community? When one of my family members died, there was a lot of help from their synagogue. Not just the immediate funeral and shiva stuff, but afterwards people from the local sisterhood and brotherhood chapters and an associate rabbi reached out to extended family as far on as months later, to check in and provide assistance if needed. There were volunteers to come bring by food for family that was sorting through the house, and discussions of which things would be extra appreciated as donations to congregation members in need or people involved in the childcare branch of the synagogue. Recommendations of clothing consignment shops, appraisers, house cleaners who would do a deep clean afterward, all kinds of connections and information about the area. This was a conservative Jewish synagogue on the east coast of the US, but I suspect similarities exist with worship communities all over. There might also be something secular like a senior community center or club that you could get in touch with.
I think the thing that determines your timeline is the house itself. Is it staying in the family? Are you selling it? Is it in an area prone to floods or other environmental factors that would make it unwise to treat it as storage for too long? If you need to and you have the money, you can hire movers to pack everything up, papers and nicknacks and all, and place it in an actual storage unit closer to your home. Then you get down to the business of dealing with the house itself. It might make sense to see if the sale of the house can retroactively pay for that. Even if you don’t have much budget, talk to a local real estate agent and see if they have suggestions, such as the best time to sell, companies they’ve worked with well on other similar jobs, all that. This can help you build a timeline and create motivation.
I guess in general my advice is to reach out to local professionals and community members. This is an absolutely normal circumstance, although that doesn’t lessen its personal difficulty. But since it happens a lot, there are people who will be able to help, whether for money or for community support or for sentimental reasons.
One specific thing. I suggest gathering all the photos you can find and bringing them back home with you to go over a bit at a time. Photos can be particularly hard to sort, but they are usually pretty small and easy to transport. They may also help you while you grieve, so you can work through some of those emotions at home instead of being confronted with them all at once when you go to the house.
posted by Mizu at 3:37 AM on March 20, 2023 [12 favorites]
Don't take stuff you ought to want.
Just calling out this piece of especially excellent advice from AugustusCrunch, which I hope I'll remember when I inevitably have to do what you're doing. (Also an only child, also dealing with generations of stuff. Although not a hoard, but somehow a well-curated assortment of things - things she's keeping on purpose - seems like it may be harder to deal with.)
I have a friend who puts on estate sales, and she's also a professional organizer. She works with people to prepare for downsizing, both helping with the physical labor of sorting, packing, etc., but also talking them through the decision-making process of what to keep. Maybe that type of person could be a help to you as you do this, even if you don't plan to host an estate sale.
Best of luck and my sympathies for your loss.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 4:15 AM on March 20, 2023 [5 favorites]
Just calling out this piece of especially excellent advice from AugustusCrunch, which I hope I'll remember when I inevitably have to do what you're doing. (Also an only child, also dealing with generations of stuff. Although not a hoard, but somehow a well-curated assortment of things - things she's keeping on purpose - seems like it may be harder to deal with.)
I have a friend who puts on estate sales, and she's also a professional organizer. She works with people to prepare for downsizing, both helping with the physical labor of sorting, packing, etc., but also talking them through the decision-making process of what to keep. Maybe that type of person could be a help to you as you do this, even if you don't plan to host an estate sale.
Best of luck and my sympathies for your loss.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 4:15 AM on March 20, 2023 [5 favorites]
My brother got a professional estate clear out person to do it for my mother.
I ended up with my mother’s photos and papers and that took me a decade to get to.
posted by Peach at 4:18 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
I ended up with my mother’s photos and papers and that took me a decade to get to.
posted by Peach at 4:18 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
MeFi's own The Wrong Kind of Cheese is a professional organizer.
I've sent her a MeMail directing her to this post; she often has compassionate and constructive things to say to people who are dealing with clearouts.
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by virago at 4:53 AM on March 20, 2023
I've sent her a MeMail directing her to this post; she often has compassionate and constructive things to say to people who are dealing with clearouts.
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by virago at 4:53 AM on March 20, 2023
I would suggest settling on a box and only keeping things that fit in said. The box doesn't have to be a definitive size, it could be anything from a showbox to trunk. I settled on something I could easily lift with both hands, it's about the size that a small microwave could fit in.
So I put sentimental things in the box. Once the box is full or almost full, I'll stop. Anything that can't fit in the box has to go, be it donations, gifts, or yes, sometimes to the trash.
Yes, deciding what can stay in the box may take some time. That's ok, take small steps if you need, setting aside a little bit of regular time each week. .
My condolences on your loss.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:58 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
So I put sentimental things in the box. Once the box is full or almost full, I'll stop. Anything that can't fit in the box has to go, be it donations, gifts, or yes, sometimes to the trash.
Yes, deciding what can stay in the box may take some time. That's ok, take small steps if you need, setting aside a little bit of regular time each week. .
My condolences on your loss.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:58 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
To what degree are you able to lean on your spouse in this situation? When my wife's parents died unexpectedly, they left behind a house packed with multiple generations of stuff. She was grieving and pregnant and in no condition to sort through it all, so I ended up doing the bulk of the rough sorting/organizing/trashing while she worked on specifics like "mom's jewelry" and "recipe books." I could spend the day ruthlessly culling and periodically present her with edge cases (does this little tea set I found in the basement have sentimental value, enough that it's worth trying to ship it home?) or funny or interesting oddities that were bound for the dumpster or the estate sale but that I figured she'd want to see. Overall though, I think that having a loving but less sentimental partner to handle the bigger picture while you focus on answering questions only you can answer can be very, very helpful.
Also, as others have mentioned, unless there's not very many pictures, it's probably worth just shipping and/or storing those for now and trying to sort through at a later date.
posted by saladin at 5:20 AM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, as others have mentioned, unless there's not very many pictures, it's probably worth just shipping and/or storing those for now and trying to sort through at a later date.
posted by saladin at 5:20 AM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
A useful technique is to take photos of things that you want to remember but realistically can't keep. Possessions can be a burden that weigh us down or hem us in but memories weigh nothing, especially as you can now fit thousands of hi-def photos on a USB stick the size of your thumb.
One thing you can't replicate is the smell and the feeling of things and places, and for me that feels like a particularly difficult part of loss. For those things try keeping a bottle of perfume/aftershave, or a particular item that represents them like a favourite jumper they wore which you can remember hugging.
Hard as it is, the biggest struggle is paring things down but it seems likely your parent would be more concerned with you being happy than you spending a large chunk of your life agonising over a specific knick-knack or a piece of furniture. Unless it's a core memory, photo it and move on.
My condolences for your loss and best of luck.
posted by underclocked at 5:32 AM on March 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
One thing you can't replicate is the smell and the feeling of things and places, and for me that feels like a particularly difficult part of loss. For those things try keeping a bottle of perfume/aftershave, or a particular item that represents them like a favourite jumper they wore which you can remember hugging.
Hard as it is, the biggest struggle is paring things down but it seems likely your parent would be more concerned with you being happy than you spending a large chunk of your life agonising over a specific knick-knack or a piece of furniture. Unless it's a core memory, photo it and move on.
My condolences for your loss and best of luck.
posted by underclocked at 5:32 AM on March 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
My condolences. I posted this question (old username) - some of the answers there may help.
What I found really helpful was:
- Taking lots of pictures of my dad's belongings
- Making a list of all of his books. I didn't feel so bad giving them away, knowing that I would always at least know what was in his library. I did this by scanning ISBDs into Goodreads - it was fiddly and took a while but there are probably better apps for this now.
One thing I wish I'd done was take more photos of his house. Just to remember little things like the way the sunlight came into the living room during the day, etc.
It took me about 4 months. In retrospect I am grateful for the opportunity to go through his home and sort through his belongings, a sort of extended saying goodbye that I am glad I could have.
posted by unicorn chaser at 6:11 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]
What I found really helpful was:
- Taking lots of pictures of my dad's belongings
- Making a list of all of his books. I didn't feel so bad giving them away, knowing that I would always at least know what was in his library. I did this by scanning ISBDs into Goodreads - it was fiddly and took a while but there are probably better apps for this now.
One thing I wish I'd done was take more photos of his house. Just to remember little things like the way the sunlight came into the living room during the day, etc.
It took me about 4 months. In retrospect I am grateful for the opportunity to go through his home and sort through his belongings, a sort of extended saying goodbye that I am glad I could have.
posted by unicorn chaser at 6:11 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]
I completely agree that if there is ANY way to have others there with you when you’re doing this, please ask for their help.
I cleaned out the house my parents lived in for 25 years—it’s hard. It took me about a year off and on. Luckily I wasn’t under pressure to move quicker to sell as the house was fully paid for.
Some days I would get a lot done. Other days I’d clean out one drawer and that would be it. It’s exhausting physically and emotionally. Be prepared to be set off emotionally by “random” items. I came upon one of my dad’s tshirts that made me burst into tears.
Also agree with advice above to (if you can) bring home and store scrapbooks,photos etc and go through them later. I have a box of things that I still haven’t gone through and it’s been over a year. I’m not ready yet.
Luckily I had a group of friends who came whenever I asked for their help and I can’t emphasize enough how much it makes a difference—both time wise and for the emotional support.
Some ways I got rid of stuff—charity donation pickups, Goodwill, 1-800-GOTJUNK, Habitat Restore pickups, books to HalfPrice Books,giving things to friends.
I was also MUCH more conscious of recycling at the beginning. At the end, a lot of things got thrown away. Give yourself permission to do this. It’s ok. You’re going to be in survival mode. It’s ok to go with the quick solutions.
posted by bookmammal at 9:03 AM on March 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
I cleaned out the house my parents lived in for 25 years—it’s hard. It took me about a year off and on. Luckily I wasn’t under pressure to move quicker to sell as the house was fully paid for.
Some days I would get a lot done. Other days I’d clean out one drawer and that would be it. It’s exhausting physically and emotionally. Be prepared to be set off emotionally by “random” items. I came upon one of my dad’s tshirts that made me burst into tears.
Also agree with advice above to (if you can) bring home and store scrapbooks,photos etc and go through them later. I have a box of things that I still haven’t gone through and it’s been over a year. I’m not ready yet.
Luckily I had a group of friends who came whenever I asked for their help and I can’t emphasize enough how much it makes a difference—both time wise and for the emotional support.
Some ways I got rid of stuff—charity donation pickups, Goodwill, 1-800-GOTJUNK, Habitat Restore pickups, books to HalfPrice Books,giving things to friends.
I was also MUCH more conscious of recycling at the beginning. At the end, a lot of things got thrown away. Give yourself permission to do this. It’s ok. You’re going to be in survival mode. It’s ok to go with the quick solutions.
posted by bookmammal at 9:03 AM on March 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
Very much second the idea of photographing things - I found that hugely helpful in letting go of a lot of the knick-knacks my mother had collected which I didn't want but didn't want to forget.
Another thing I found helpful was to go room by room and do a rough sort into definitely don't want/may want/definitely do want piles. In my case the latter two categories weren't that big and I moved those items to a central point.
That had two useful effects - first it meant I could stop thinking about some whole rooms quite quickly. Second, although it wasn't particularly a deliberate strategy, but I found that moving things out of their context in the house broke some of the sentimental attachments. Once I had a pile of boxes with stuff in, it was a lot easier to think about what I really wanted to keep for sentimental reasons.
The "maybe" pile was helpful in giving me a space where I didn't have to make an immediate decision. Most of it I ended up getting rid of, some things I put into storage crates and took home with me, but it really reduced the scope of the "sort later" problem.
The final thing I'd say is that unless there is really valuable stuff, try to let go of the idea of maximising the value from selling it. It will suck up a huge amount of time and effort to realise the value and all that while you are still tied to the objects. House clearance, charity shop, recycling centre - these are your friends in this situation.
posted by crocomancer at 11:06 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
Another thing I found helpful was to go room by room and do a rough sort into definitely don't want/may want/definitely do want piles. In my case the latter two categories weren't that big and I moved those items to a central point.
That had two useful effects - first it meant I could stop thinking about some whole rooms quite quickly. Second, although it wasn't particularly a deliberate strategy, but I found that moving things out of their context in the house broke some of the sentimental attachments. Once I had a pile of boxes with stuff in, it was a lot easier to think about what I really wanted to keep for sentimental reasons.
The "maybe" pile was helpful in giving me a space where I didn't have to make an immediate decision. Most of it I ended up getting rid of, some things I put into storage crates and took home with me, but it really reduced the scope of the "sort later" problem.
The final thing I'd say is that unless there is really valuable stuff, try to let go of the idea of maximising the value from selling it. It will suck up a huge amount of time and effort to realise the value and all that while you are still tied to the objects. House clearance, charity shop, recycling centre - these are your friends in this situation.
posted by crocomancer at 11:06 AM on March 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
A tip that may help:
For me, some things needed to be gone and quickly, trying to give them away, even for free, was too much. Those things simply needed to be gone, aka put in the trash. But I did not want to put them in the trash per se. So I ordered another garbage container from the local government office, realizing it would arrive clean. Then I cleaned it out some more, just because.
After that, any items that needed to be gone were carefully and lovingly placed in bags that I bought that were either bright and cheerful or had something like "love" printed on them. Those bags were carefully arranged and stacked in the container and then put out on the morning of collection day. By the evening, they were empty and I kept that particular container free from the usual house things would go in the trash, so it always remained clean.
This way I could remove the items, while still keeping a manner of love and respect, while keeping my own sanity.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:46 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]
For me, some things needed to be gone and quickly, trying to give them away, even for free, was too much. Those things simply needed to be gone, aka put in the trash. But I did not want to put them in the trash per se. So I ordered another garbage container from the local government office, realizing it would arrive clean. Then I cleaned it out some more, just because.
After that, any items that needed to be gone were carefully and lovingly placed in bags that I bought that were either bright and cheerful or had something like "love" printed on them. Those bags were carefully arranged and stacked in the container and then put out on the morning of collection day. By the evening, they were empty and I kept that particular container free from the usual house things would go in the trash, so it always remained clean.
This way I could remove the items, while still keeping a manner of love and respect, while keeping my own sanity.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:46 AM on March 20, 2023 [4 favorites]
One thing I would advise is to reach out to the far-flung branches of the family. I think that often, in every family there's one or two people who feel particularly called to be 'keepers' of that stuff, and it usually has very little to do with kind of the lineal nature of where they fall in the family line. What unfortunately often happens is the person who falls in the lineal side of things will assume that everyone else feels the lack of connection they do, and toss a lot of things, and it will create *enormous* bad blood for *decades*. Where you might feel exhausted by dealing with this stuff, they might feel a treasure trove of delight by dealing with all the knickknacks and photos and papers.
posted by corb at 12:15 PM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by corb at 12:15 PM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
You've already received a lot of great advice on this; however, I believe I may have some insight from the professional as well as personal side of the equation. I'm a professional organizer, so I received some MeMail directing me to your post because of my many prior posts on related downsizing topics, including those for people in your situation.
First, you are in mourning. You don't say how recently your parent passed, but it likely would not be healthy if you could zip over to a home full of a lifetime of memories and attempt to work days of what is hard physical and mental labor and not experience overwhelm.
Please, give yourself grace as you go through this process. To that end, please think (and get support however you can) with the idea of feeling "guilty" over any aspect of this. I have simply never, in my 21 years as a practicing professional, known anyone who loved someone and had an easy go of clearing out their home. Rather than feeling guilty, please aim to embrace small victories, and remember that dismantling 30 or 50 or 70 years of a person's life, let alone a history of a family, cannot be done quickly and emotionlessly on your own.
Perhaps think, instead, that this is a anthropological study or museum curation, only instead of a community's history or an artist's collections, it is the personal history and acquisitions of a community of one and a creator of a lifetime. Slow and steady progress ensures that nothing (personally or financially) valuable is missed, but that everything is dealt with, confidently.
I am so sorry for your loss, and so much more important than the stuff is your ability to keep your head above water when you are dealing with waves of grief.
Second, trying to do this on your own is a non-starter. If you have relatives or friends who can drive to the family home and meet you for a day or two, that would be excellent, both for support and for moving the process along. However, far better would be if you could work with a professional organizer who could "project manage" the entire process for you, working with you in-person to steer you past the emotional pitfalls so you could focus on "big wins" early in the process, clearing space and making everything seem more manageable.
If you will MeMail me with the zip code of the family home, I can give you referrals to my colleagues who specialize in this kind of work and who can support you with their expertise and resources.
If you'd prefer not to contact me (given then you have marked yourself anonymous), please visit the website of the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO), and use the "Find a Professional Organizer." Once on that page, make sure you enter your zip code for the family home, a radius of at least 25 miles (if it's in a smaller community, consider 50) and then select "downsizing" from the Residential categories on the right side. Alternatively, you can select "estate management," but I'd check the director for downsizing first. In general, the overlap is large.
Third, if you can't hire a professional organizer locally and you don't have friends or relatives who can work in the space with you physically, know that you can still have support virtually. Many professional organizers will provide virtual services; with a Zoom-like setup, you can be talked-and-walked through each room, every decision, and get support so you aren't hunkered down over one difficult decision for a long time, using up precious moments where you could accomplish more.
Similarly, if you have a friend who excels at any aspect of this kind of project, whether it's the expertise of a PO or the sensitivity of a counselor or just the camaraderie of a "body double" for accountability, having someone "with" you even from afar can be powerful.
[Another alternative: if you found a PO you liked, you could work together on occasion, but also grant them the ability to work in the house in your absence, possibly while speaking with you virtually, so they could pre-sort particular categories and take donations according to pre-set definitions/categorizations you could agree to in advance, like: all broken X could be discarded, all mis-matched food storage containers could be donated, all size X clothing and above (or below) could be donated...and so on. We POs are very, very good at spotting things to hold aside and say, "Even though this is the size we agreed could be donated, it's very high end, possibly couture, and could be sold/auctioned." Basically, having someone doing sorting and agreed-upon stuff at the house when you can't be, whether or not you're talking/videoing, will move things forward more quickly. We're also particularly good at making sure every pocket and drawer is checked.]
Fourth, you can't spend a full day on this kind of work, especially while you are in mourning, let alone full days on end. Even my colleagues often don't work full days, day after day, on projects unless there is a serious time crunch; I work four-hour sessions. I never recommend a client work on their own for more than 90 minutes without taking an extensive break. The skills you use to organize/downsize your own closet or pantry are similar, but not the same, as dispersing an estate, and again, it is emotionally draining. Please give yourself ample time.
Note: if your are limited in time because the house must be emptied and sold, then it is much more essential that you have someone working in tandem with you.
Fifth, begin with things that have little-to-no sentimental value, like the bathroom cabinets and linen closet. Then move to daily things that have the potential to offer a few things with emotional attachment, but not many (like kitchens, coat closets, clothing closets). The goal is to figure out what you will keep and take with you (only things with either high utility, high personal value, or high resale value) back home and get that to your car, what you will donate (inventory and log it for donation purposes — It's Deductible is free and will do the calculations for you) and then box it up and take it as part of your break each day, and what left from a room or category that may be appraised/sold/auctioned (and sequester it for later action).
As you progress and let go of as much as possible of anything that you, yourself, do not need (and would not go out and purchase for yourself), you can donate as much of that as possible. If there are true antiques (items that are over 100 years of age) or items of exceptional retail value (that is, not things that were a high dollar value when purchased, but which will have a high dollar value if auctioned or sold NOW), set those items aside in a spare bedroom or otherwise emptied space so that you can address those items all at once. You might need an appraiser or estate agent for such things, and again, a professional organizer will be able to refer you to reputable companies.
Sixth, yes, this will get easier in time, but again, as noted, grief comes in waves. You might have multiple sessions where you don't even cry and then have a day where a coffee pot or a broken chair makes you dissolve into a puddle. Please, please remind yourself that this is normal.
Seventh, as for how long things will take, while your overall comfort level with making decisions will increase as the project moves on, it will be slow going if you work on your own. I find that the comparison is anything from 3X to 10X when working with a PO vs. working alone (X), with it being on the higher end the more emotional the project is. That's because a PO knows the signs that it may be time to switch tactics to refresh emotional and physical energy.
Eighth, even if you aren't the type to journal, keep a notebook or open Notes app window, and as things pop up, write them down. Don't count on your memory. Finding something may jog the recall of an anecdote — write it down. An item might seem to have a bit of history that needs to be researched — make a note. A possession might look tacky but you have a weird sense that it might be valuable — scribble that down. Then, when you're back at your apartment, you can review your notes and take actions (talking to another relative about the anecdote, searching the web for more historical background, calling an appraiser), confident that you've kept track of the details.
Ninth, work methodically. Within any given space or category, try to stay in that space or category. It may be tempting to take the widget you just found in the bedroom and carry it to where the other widgets are in the living room, but you'll get distracted. Put a box or bin by the doorway of the space you're working in, and put things that need to go elsewhere in the house there; when you take your break (after 45 minutes, or at most 90 minutes), then you can deliver the items to where they should live.
Tenth, don't be a hero. Don't risk your back or your safety working too long or with lose things risking you tripping over them.
I know that's a lot to read; if you take nothing else from any of this, please be gentle with yourself in terms of completion time. If you rush this, you will be more likely to regret decisions made in haste or resent that you had to do it alone. Go forth with gentle curiosity about the collections of a lifetime and know that whatever speed at which you complete each part is OK. And eventually, YOU will be OK.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:52 PM on March 20, 2023 [12 favorites]
First, you are in mourning. You don't say how recently your parent passed, but it likely would not be healthy if you could zip over to a home full of a lifetime of memories and attempt to work days of what is hard physical and mental labor and not experience overwhelm.
Please, give yourself grace as you go through this process. To that end, please think (and get support however you can) with the idea of feeling "guilty" over any aspect of this. I have simply never, in my 21 years as a practicing professional, known anyone who loved someone and had an easy go of clearing out their home. Rather than feeling guilty, please aim to embrace small victories, and remember that dismantling 30 or 50 or 70 years of a person's life, let alone a history of a family, cannot be done quickly and emotionlessly on your own.
Perhaps think, instead, that this is a anthropological study or museum curation, only instead of a community's history or an artist's collections, it is the personal history and acquisitions of a community of one and a creator of a lifetime. Slow and steady progress ensures that nothing (personally or financially) valuable is missed, but that everything is dealt with, confidently.
I am so sorry for your loss, and so much more important than the stuff is your ability to keep your head above water when you are dealing with waves of grief.
Second, trying to do this on your own is a non-starter. If you have relatives or friends who can drive to the family home and meet you for a day or two, that would be excellent, both for support and for moving the process along. However, far better would be if you could work with a professional organizer who could "project manage" the entire process for you, working with you in-person to steer you past the emotional pitfalls so you could focus on "big wins" early in the process, clearing space and making everything seem more manageable.
If you will MeMail me with the zip code of the family home, I can give you referrals to my colleagues who specialize in this kind of work and who can support you with their expertise and resources.
If you'd prefer not to contact me (given then you have marked yourself anonymous), please visit the website of the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO), and use the "Find a Professional Organizer." Once on that page, make sure you enter your zip code for the family home, a radius of at least 25 miles (if it's in a smaller community, consider 50) and then select "downsizing" from the Residential categories on the right side. Alternatively, you can select "estate management," but I'd check the director for downsizing first. In general, the overlap is large.
Third, if you can't hire a professional organizer locally and you don't have friends or relatives who can work in the space with you physically, know that you can still have support virtually. Many professional organizers will provide virtual services; with a Zoom-like setup, you can be talked-and-walked through each room, every decision, and get support so you aren't hunkered down over one difficult decision for a long time, using up precious moments where you could accomplish more.
Similarly, if you have a friend who excels at any aspect of this kind of project, whether it's the expertise of a PO or the sensitivity of a counselor or just the camaraderie of a "body double" for accountability, having someone "with" you even from afar can be powerful.
[Another alternative: if you found a PO you liked, you could work together on occasion, but also grant them the ability to work in the house in your absence, possibly while speaking with you virtually, so they could pre-sort particular categories and take donations according to pre-set definitions/categorizations you could agree to in advance, like: all broken X could be discarded, all mis-matched food storage containers could be donated, all size X clothing and above (or below) could be donated...and so on. We POs are very, very good at spotting things to hold aside and say, "Even though this is the size we agreed could be donated, it's very high end, possibly couture, and could be sold/auctioned." Basically, having someone doing sorting and agreed-upon stuff at the house when you can't be, whether or not you're talking/videoing, will move things forward more quickly. We're also particularly good at making sure every pocket and drawer is checked.]
Fourth, you can't spend a full day on this kind of work, especially while you are in mourning, let alone full days on end. Even my colleagues often don't work full days, day after day, on projects unless there is a serious time crunch; I work four-hour sessions. I never recommend a client work on their own for more than 90 minutes without taking an extensive break. The skills you use to organize/downsize your own closet or pantry are similar, but not the same, as dispersing an estate, and again, it is emotionally draining. Please give yourself ample time.
Note: if your are limited in time because the house must be emptied and sold, then it is much more essential that you have someone working in tandem with you.
Fifth, begin with things that have little-to-no sentimental value, like the bathroom cabinets and linen closet. Then move to daily things that have the potential to offer a few things with emotional attachment, but not many (like kitchens, coat closets, clothing closets). The goal is to figure out what you will keep and take with you (only things with either high utility, high personal value, or high resale value) back home and get that to your car, what you will donate (inventory and log it for donation purposes — It's Deductible is free and will do the calculations for you) and then box it up and take it as part of your break each day, and what left from a room or category that may be appraised/sold/auctioned (and sequester it for later action).
As you progress and let go of as much as possible of anything that you, yourself, do not need (and would not go out and purchase for yourself), you can donate as much of that as possible. If there are true antiques (items that are over 100 years of age) or items of exceptional retail value (that is, not things that were a high dollar value when purchased, but which will have a high dollar value if auctioned or sold NOW), set those items aside in a spare bedroom or otherwise emptied space so that you can address those items all at once. You might need an appraiser or estate agent for such things, and again, a professional organizer will be able to refer you to reputable companies.
Sixth, yes, this will get easier in time, but again, as noted, grief comes in waves. You might have multiple sessions where you don't even cry and then have a day where a coffee pot or a broken chair makes you dissolve into a puddle. Please, please remind yourself that this is normal.
Seventh, as for how long things will take, while your overall comfort level with making decisions will increase as the project moves on, it will be slow going if you work on your own. I find that the comparison is anything from 3X to 10X when working with a PO vs. working alone (X), with it being on the higher end the more emotional the project is. That's because a PO knows the signs that it may be time to switch tactics to refresh emotional and physical energy.
Eighth, even if you aren't the type to journal, keep a notebook or open Notes app window, and as things pop up, write them down. Don't count on your memory. Finding something may jog the recall of an anecdote — write it down. An item might seem to have a bit of history that needs to be researched — make a note. A possession might look tacky but you have a weird sense that it might be valuable — scribble that down. Then, when you're back at your apartment, you can review your notes and take actions (talking to another relative about the anecdote, searching the web for more historical background, calling an appraiser), confident that you've kept track of the details.
Ninth, work methodically. Within any given space or category, try to stay in that space or category. It may be tempting to take the widget you just found in the bedroom and carry it to where the other widgets are in the living room, but you'll get distracted. Put a box or bin by the doorway of the space you're working in, and put things that need to go elsewhere in the house there; when you take your break (after 45 minutes, or at most 90 minutes), then you can deliver the items to where they should live.
Tenth, don't be a hero. Don't risk your back or your safety working too long or with lose things risking you tripping over them.
I know that's a lot to read; if you take nothing else from any of this, please be gentle with yourself in terms of completion time. If you rush this, you will be more likely to regret decisions made in haste or resent that you had to do it alone. Go forth with gentle curiosity about the collections of a lifetime and know that whatever speed at which you complete each part is OK. And eventually, YOU will be OK.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:52 PM on March 20, 2023 [12 favorites]
Are you planning to sell the house? Do you need to sell the house? If not, give yourself a lot more time to manage this, it's okay for it to take some time.
The Wrong Kind of Cheese is wise. I did this at my mom's place in summer of 2021 a full three years after my mom died (pix). There is no deadline on this except the things that money will make you do, so think about your circumstances and balancing some of these conflicting issues. Here are some of my own personal circumstances and advice in case it's helpful.
- my mom's house was a two family house that I grew up in which had a giant barn and people who had lived there (including my grandma) since 1971. My mom didn't get rid of much. Not a hoarder but an overstuffed house.
- cleaning it out took the better part of a summer-full of weekends for me and my sister and boyfriend, but we only worked like 3-4 hours each day. It took three dumpsters, and one moving van to take things to another place for things we were keeping
- it would have gone faster if we had thrown away more stuff but "faster" wasn't our goal. We got rid of things in MANY ways including selling some, giving some to Habitat for Humanity (who picked up for an extra fee), giving some to town historical society, putting some out by the road with a FREE sign, taking some to hazardous waste day at the dump, recycling some, and I took a carload of stuff to my local thrift store every weekend for two months
- Also FB Marketplace and other buy nothing social media was great for "Please take this FREE thing. You must bring it down the stairs" sorts of things. I said a little more in this other comment.
Advice
- it's okay to not sort through ANYTHING right now and just put some stuff into "to sort later" piles once you've determined you'd like to keep it for now. Get a label maker.
- agree with everyone, taking photos of some stuff instead of keeping is helpful
- really think about time and money and effort and how much you personally need to balance those things
- your folks could have cleaned this stuff out and they didn't. It's okay to make choices that are different from theirs that reflect your personal circumstances
- yes I think it really does get easier with time
- can your spouse help with some of the "I can't even" parts? Sometimes having a person who can make phone calls and follow-up phone calls and Meet the Guy who is doing the thing can be helpful
Above all, there's no right way to grieve and no right way to handle "cleaning out a parents' things" but you may have people in your life who tell you that there is. It's okay to ignore them. I developed a pat line for those people "Hey not really looking for advice on this right now" and would then change the subject. People who suggest higher-effort approaches are warmly invited to help, but otherwise to stay out of it. I am sorry you are going through this, but it will be over at some point.
posted by jessamyn at 10:43 AM on March 21, 2023 [4 favorites]
The Wrong Kind of Cheese is wise. I did this at my mom's place in summer of 2021 a full three years after my mom died (pix). There is no deadline on this except the things that money will make you do, so think about your circumstances and balancing some of these conflicting issues. Here are some of my own personal circumstances and advice in case it's helpful.
- my mom's house was a two family house that I grew up in which had a giant barn and people who had lived there (including my grandma) since 1971. My mom didn't get rid of much. Not a hoarder but an overstuffed house.
- cleaning it out took the better part of a summer-full of weekends for me and my sister and boyfriend, but we only worked like 3-4 hours each day. It took three dumpsters, and one moving van to take things to another place for things we were keeping
- it would have gone faster if we had thrown away more stuff but "faster" wasn't our goal. We got rid of things in MANY ways including selling some, giving some to Habitat for Humanity (who picked up for an extra fee), giving some to town historical society, putting some out by the road with a FREE sign, taking some to hazardous waste day at the dump, recycling some, and I took a carload of stuff to my local thrift store every weekend for two months
- Also FB Marketplace and other buy nothing social media was great for "Please take this FREE thing. You must bring it down the stairs" sorts of things. I said a little more in this other comment.
Advice
- it's okay to not sort through ANYTHING right now and just put some stuff into "to sort later" piles once you've determined you'd like to keep it for now. Get a label maker.
- agree with everyone, taking photos of some stuff instead of keeping is helpful
- really think about time and money and effort and how much you personally need to balance those things
- your folks could have cleaned this stuff out and they didn't. It's okay to make choices that are different from theirs that reflect your personal circumstances
- yes I think it really does get easier with time
- can your spouse help with some of the "I can't even" parts? Sometimes having a person who can make phone calls and follow-up phone calls and Meet the Guy who is doing the thing can be helpful
Above all, there's no right way to grieve and no right way to handle "cleaning out a parents' things" but you may have people in your life who tell you that there is. It's okay to ignore them. I developed a pat line for those people "Hey not really looking for advice on this right now" and would then change the subject. People who suggest higher-effort approaches are warmly invited to help, but otherwise to stay out of it. I am sorry you are going through this, but it will be over at some point.
posted by jessamyn at 10:43 AM on March 21, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss. Clearing out a family home is emotionally fraught, and in the wake of the death a loved one, it is a vivid exercise of grief. Yes, time will probably make it somewhat easier, but being in your parent's home, surrounded by all the artefacts of a lifetime and with the goal of emptying and liquidating, is a really hard assignment, whether now or later.
You've had brilliant advice from The Wrong Kind of Cheese and everyone else in this thread. Jessamyn provides some excellent pointers. (Thanks for the link to your photos, Jessamyn, I'm so jealous you had the foresight to document the process. I wish I had done this!) I cleaned out the family home in 2019 over 2.5 months, and I currently have several peers who are doing the same. It is a momentous undertaking, but I suppose it is one that nearly all of us must undertake at one time or another.
It's a lot of work to do this and you don't live in town or have siblings to help, so that makes it extra challenging. It sounds like you may have to hire smeone to help you, as TWKoC suggests. Is there any possibility of living in the house for a month or two and working remotely? That's what I did. I temporarily went to half time on my job and worked remotely from my parents' house for a couple of months. I spent half the day doing clearing-out chores and half working, and my sibling flew in for stints at the beginning and end. If I was not working at all, we probably could have done it in a month. Noting that we did spend some time trying to find good homes for some of the stuff, and that is very time-consuming.
You might consider hiring a mover and give yourself permission to move a truck full of stuff to storage facility in your hometown, so that you can take time to go through more sentimental things later. Especially if there are lots of family files and photos from two generations, it can be very time-consuming and distracting to deal with all that on the spot. You quickly get overwhelmed. We had documents, photos, hierlooms, and genealogy stuff for parents, grandparents, and great grandparents, and I didn't want to lose any of the family history.
Partly out of necessity we moved some things to a storage unit when the timeline got pretty tight towards the end (getting the house completely cleared so that it could go on the market), and in retrospect I actually found it easier to go through things away from the family home setting, so that's also something to consider in terms of easing the emotional burden.
With regard to services, we started the process assuming we would have an estate sale, but after lining someone up to handle the sale, they cancelled a week before the scheduled sale, due to poor sale performance in our area and the fact that so much of my parents furniture were antiques (apparently not enough of a market for them in Florida). We ended up using an auction house instead, but they came in and took only select items, leaving us with quite a lot to drag over to Goodwill on our own. After the auction + Goodwill, and begging friends and neighbors to take things, we hired a junk hauler to take away the remainder. In the end, the auction house wasn't worth all the bother for the amount netted. The only consolation was the prospect of some of the more treasured pieces going to someone who might appreciate them. The lesson was, at the end of the day, nobody wants your shit and it's a huge effort to find things a good home. If I was going to do it again, I might have just paid the junk hauler to take the whole lot and be done with it all at once. It turned out that they recycled what they could through various charities, so it doesn't all just literally go in the landfill.
Good luck with whatever method you go with. I think there is no right or wrong way, just the way that works for you. Accept that you will feel loss through this process, and maybe even use it as an opportunity to lean into your grief. Be kind to yourself.
posted by amusebuche at 7:12 PM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
You've had brilliant advice from The Wrong Kind of Cheese and everyone else in this thread. Jessamyn provides some excellent pointers. (Thanks for the link to your photos, Jessamyn, I'm so jealous you had the foresight to document the process. I wish I had done this!) I cleaned out the family home in 2019 over 2.5 months, and I currently have several peers who are doing the same. It is a momentous undertaking, but I suppose it is one that nearly all of us must undertake at one time or another.
It's a lot of work to do this and you don't live in town or have siblings to help, so that makes it extra challenging. It sounds like you may have to hire smeone to help you, as TWKoC suggests. Is there any possibility of living in the house for a month or two and working remotely? That's what I did. I temporarily went to half time on my job and worked remotely from my parents' house for a couple of months. I spent half the day doing clearing-out chores and half working, and my sibling flew in for stints at the beginning and end. If I was not working at all, we probably could have done it in a month. Noting that we did spend some time trying to find good homes for some of the stuff, and that is very time-consuming.
You might consider hiring a mover and give yourself permission to move a truck full of stuff to storage facility in your hometown, so that you can take time to go through more sentimental things later. Especially if there are lots of family files and photos from two generations, it can be very time-consuming and distracting to deal with all that on the spot. You quickly get overwhelmed. We had documents, photos, hierlooms, and genealogy stuff for parents, grandparents, and great grandparents, and I didn't want to lose any of the family history.
Partly out of necessity we moved some things to a storage unit when the timeline got pretty tight towards the end (getting the house completely cleared so that it could go on the market), and in retrospect I actually found it easier to go through things away from the family home setting, so that's also something to consider in terms of easing the emotional burden.
With regard to services, we started the process assuming we would have an estate sale, but after lining someone up to handle the sale, they cancelled a week before the scheduled sale, due to poor sale performance in our area and the fact that so much of my parents furniture were antiques (apparently not enough of a market for them in Florida). We ended up using an auction house instead, but they came in and took only select items, leaving us with quite a lot to drag over to Goodwill on our own. After the auction + Goodwill, and begging friends and neighbors to take things, we hired a junk hauler to take away the remainder. In the end, the auction house wasn't worth all the bother for the amount netted. The only consolation was the prospect of some of the more treasured pieces going to someone who might appreciate them. The lesson was, at the end of the day, nobody wants your shit and it's a huge effort to find things a good home. If I was going to do it again, I might have just paid the junk hauler to take the whole lot and be done with it all at once. It turned out that they recycled what they could through various charities, so it doesn't all just literally go in the landfill.
Good luck with whatever method you go with. I think there is no right or wrong way, just the way that works for you. Accept that you will feel loss through this process, and maybe even use it as an opportunity to lean into your grief. Be kind to yourself.
posted by amusebuche at 7:12 PM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
« Older Professional email screening service for people... | Need help creating my online dating profile Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I can only offer a few suggestions.
- Go through and take anything you really want. Don't take stuff you ought to want. If anyone else knew them, throw it open to them. Emphasize that it has to go. People often feel guilty taking stuff. Tell them you really wish they would.
- Do a sale, like a yard sale, but the whole house. Let stuff go very cheaply. I was at a sale like this. a man bought fifteen locksets, antique, with glass doorknobs, for $1. I was aghast. The owner didn't want to get a good price, he wanted a price nobody could resist, and he wanted everything gone.
- I understand that stuff that has sentimental value for me has none for my kids. They can get rid of anything they want. I won't care.
- trash anything that's trash. If you want, put it on the lawn with a Free sign on it. Anything that doesn't go, toss.
- put a sign up while you're doing this, and if anyone comes to the door, give them stuff.
- a friend moved his depressed girlfriend in with him in two terrible, chaotic days. He hired two guys to help. One of them admired a table. He gave them anything they could fit in their truck and was happy to see it go to someone nice. (Good ending - they're together, she's doing great.)
- anything good can go to a thrift/goodwill store.
Your parents are not the stuff they left behind.
They won't care if you don't keep stuff.
Be fast and thorough.
If you can afford it, get someone to help. If you have a friend who will help, ask. Give them stuff.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 12:59 AM on March 20, 2023 [10 favorites]