How to get over unfair incidents more quickly

February 22, 2023 11:51 AM

I grew up as an immigrant in the US. During my childhood, many people treated me with kindness, but there were some unfair incidents where people took advantage. Nowadays as an adult, unfair treatment can send me into a spiral of powerlessness and rage. In addition to therapy (which I'm already in), what are some techniques I can use to get out of these spirals faster?

Here are some examples of unfair things that happened to me as a child, after my family immigrated to the US:

When I couldn't speak English yet, a few kids at school stole my food and belongings several times, knowing I couldn't tell the teacher. They also threw rocks at me and called me racist slurs.

A white man scammed my family out of a year's savings. He offered to sell us a big-ticket item, took our money, and never delivered the item. He scared us away from reporting it to the police by using legal mumbo-jumbo.

I was told that I won a scholarship for college. I was happy because we really needed the money. Then I was told that because I wasn't a US citizen, the scholarship was taken away and given to the runner-up. At school, I attended an assembly that included having to watch the runner-up go onstage to receive the scholarship award.

A white man at my mom's workplace made a mistake. When she reported it as per company protocol, he made up an excuse and got her fired. This led to extreme financial hardship for my family.

The majority of people were kind (or at least indifferent), and it was only a small number of people who took advantage. However, those few people (combined with my inability to fight the system) caused me trauma. I am working with a therapist on this.

Nowadays I'm an adult with a support network and enough money. However, occasionally something happens that feels unfair, and it brings up this old trauma. What are some actions I can take to remind myself that I'm an adult and no longer powerless?

Examples of unfairnesses in my adult life that have triggered the trauma:

I did freelance work for a client. In my industry, it's standard practice to always share credit. My client decided to take sole credit and remove my name from the work, and had their lawyer send me a letter threatening legal action if I ever revealed this. I consulted a lawyer who said the contract is ambiguous and it would be possible to fight this, but would cost me thousands of dollars at minimum. I decided to give up and let this happen.

I downloaded a form from the city government website for paying city taxes on my business. Unfortunately it turned out the website was out-of-date, and I ended up filling out an old version of the form. Many months later, I was notified that because I used an obsolete form and the wrong calculations, the city was charging me over $1000 of penalties and late fees. I called and found out I could appeal but it would be a complicated process that would take up many hours. I gave up and paid $1000 of penalties.

I called and asked my insurance company if they cover a medical procedure. They said yes verbally on the phone. I double-checked with a second rep and then wrote down the names of both reps and the date. I got the medical procedure done, and my insurance then rejected payment with an excuse. I appealed twice, and both appeals were denied. I paid $5500 out-of-pocket for the medical procedure.

When these unfair situations occur, I get depressed and angry. I alternate between feeling cynical & hopeless about the world, and feeling mad at myself ("If only I had asked the insurance to send me a pre-authorization letter instead of trusting their word!").

Another damaging consequence is that the next time I need to enter a similar situation (e.g. freelance for a big client, pay city taxes), I end up procrastinating. Because I'm afraid that another injustice will occur, which would send me into another spiral of rage and self-reproach, I avoid it by procrastinating.

I have a friend who is able to shake off these incidents. His business also got assessed a $500 penalty from the city government, but he just shrugged it off, paid it, and then went to lunch and forgot about it. It didn't cause him to spiral into being upset for hours. What are some concrete steps I can take to shake off these incidents more easily?

posted by sandwich to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: I have some similar reactions and difficulties. In my case I think the trauma is definitely linked to having people blame me for the unfair things that happened to me, and it does help me when I can complain to someone who will confirm the unfairness and be angry on my behalf, and not make any excuses for the unfairness. As you say part of your trauma reaction is getting mad at yourself, maybe that's the case for you too?
posted by Rhedyn at 12:19 PM on February 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: From your examples the one thing that sticks out to me is that if someone had effectively advocated for you or your family things could have gone better for you and that plays into you beating yourself up about it later on. Maybe the next time something like this happens take things as far as they can go until either you're satisfied with the result or you can't take it any farther even if that means having to pay for someone to assist you. If things work out then the next time something happens you know you could do something about it and it becomes a decision of yours ("I'd do it but it isn't worth the trouble"). If things don't work out then that's stronger "proof" that injustices will happen and there's nothing you can do about it so there isn't much point to ruminating over it.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:39 PM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

Best answer: It took me a long time to truly internalize this but separate learning a lesson from self blame. Put the blame where it belongs (on the asshole) and learn a lesson — next time I’ll yada yada yada — but that person is permanently an asshole (at least until they make amends or rectify the situation, which they likely never will), and you did nothing wrong. Make yourself feel bigger than them, because you are. They are scummy and small. You don’t need to make room for everyone’s radiant humanity and the rich tapestry of blah blah, because ultimately when you do that the blame and shame has nowhere to go but on yourself. Guilt has a purpose. Some people never feel guilt and therefore never act on it, and they’re ugly. But they’re still guilty.

We put a lot of emphasis on forgiveness in our culture as a means of moving on, but you don’t need to forgive to move on. Move on because they are an idiot, who will continue to create problems and conflict for themselves needlessly. And you’re not!
posted by stoneandstar at 12:40 PM on February 22, 2023 [16 favorites]

Also want to agree that maybe you should experiment with pushing things farther than you currently do, to connect with the power that you do have. It takes time to work up to doing things more dramatic, but it could be worth it. If you have kids or ever plan to have kids part of that is learning how to use your power to protect them when necessary. Not everyone has power, which is where trauma can come from. But if you do, it’s good to get familiar with exercising it.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:43 PM on February 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: All of these situations to me sound like the root of the each is that you are coming from a place of lack of privilege and don't have the resources to be able to just brush these things off and move on. You don't have access to the systems and structures of privilege that help you to avoid the situations to begin with as well as those that help you seek justice - including, concretely speaking, legal representation - when you are wronged. This is a phenomenally difficult place to be in and it's okay to not be able to brush it off. It sucks and sometimes there is no further we can push because we are operating from such a power imbalance compared to people with significant resources and systems on their side.

While it's difficult for you to counter those things on your own, perhaps what would help is diverting your energy and attention and frustration to help address and right and FIGHT the unjust systems that allow for people to take advantage of those like you in situations like yours. Some possible outlets:
- Volunteer your time for groups that help get immigrant families settled and give them access to resources that can help their kids navigate the difficulties of being new in schools and not speaking the language.
- Donate to organizations, whether in time or money, that help non-residents have access to scholarships to go to schools.
- Look for opportunities to work to help other people avoid the situations that you found yourself unjustly treated in.

I think that along with helping others, these types of activity can both use up your energy in face of the injustice by doing something concrete and productive, as well as may give you access to more powerful systems aside from just yourself, so you can better learn to navigate the systems of power and injustice.
posted by urbanlenny at 12:54 PM on February 22, 2023 [11 favorites]

One technique for dealing with trauma responses is to practice and plan out responding in a different way. I mean, this is basically how all training works - if you're a firefighter, a big part of your training is just learning not to turn around and run away like your mammal-brain is hard-coded to do. Only after that can you learn to run toward it in the appropriate ways.

I'm sure there are formal frameworks for this somewhere, but for me I break down the aftermath of one of these triggers into stages and formulate responses for each one. Like in this case maybe your first stage is shock, and your planned response to that might be to go away and process that briefly before replying, and then you might need to break that part down into a series of affirmations and reminders like that this is an unfairness directed at you rather than something you have earned or deserve, or whatever dialog you need to have to short-circuit the fight/flight/freeze/fawn + rumination response. The next step would be formulating a diplomatic (or not, depending on situation) response, third would be to make a decision about how to proceed, and then continuing with your plan of action rather than filling the space with perseveration. All of this is meant to short-circuit the "I dunno what to do" response. Because now you DO know, you have a plan, you have role-played and journaled the plan, you have started teaching your body a new way of reacting to that particular stimulus.

Somewhere in there, you need to incorporate something that completes the stress cycle. The injustice triggers your stress response, you need to let it cycle and complete quickly - going for a walk, watching a funny animal video, getting a hug from a loved one, etc.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:20 PM on February 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Similar to what others have said, I would practice things like assertiveness and self-advocacy in small ways, and then increasingly larger ways. It's so easy to feel powerless in this world, so find your power in whatever ways feel doable to you, and challenge yourself when it feels not so doable. There's also power in moving on and not letting things upset you, if you do feel like it's not worth your time/money. It's your choice how you want to exercise your power!
posted by carlypennylane at 1:50 PM on February 22, 2023

Best answer: I think there’s a lot of helpful advice in this thread but I wanted to validate that the situations you listed are very traumatic and it is reasonable for you to respond to similar triggering events with panic and anxiety. PTSD-informed practices can help; but in the context of why you are responding that way, it’s a natural response to some deeply shitty situations. You are not overreacting.
posted by annathea at 2:21 PM on February 22, 2023 [12 favorites]

Best answer: You asked how to get to be like your friend who shrugged off the $500 fine.

My advice is -- and this is from personal experience -- to keep in mind that a certain amount of bullshit and unfairness is part of life. Everyone pays.

I know a lot of people want to frame this as a "privilege" thing, but in fact, it's a human condition thing. In the childhood examples you gave, people took advantage of your lack of language fluency, but trust: there are a million ways that all people get screwed by the people around them. A certain percentage of people are swindlers; a certain percent of government agencies are set up to take your money one way or another; etc. They just are. Look at your adult examples. A wide range of unfairness, but nothing unique to you.

Your friend is thinking of that $500 fine in the same way he thinks about his taxes: it's just part of doing business. I'd encourage you to do the same. Obviously we do our best to "think of everything" and reduce the chances of folks preying on us, by checking the rules and doing all the right things. But you'll never close every single gap: the swindlers are always out there and they're always looking for angles. Every so often they're going to get a win. It's part of having resources that other people want (if you didn't have a successful business, there'd be nothing to steal.)

Now you know another clause to check in your work contracts. Now you know about pre-approval letters. So you can close those gaps. But there will be others. Think of it as a Humanity Tax.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:34 PM on February 22, 2023 [11 favorites]

I can tell you what my therapist would do for the procrastinating part--she would ask me to imagine that little person that I was when the initial trauma occurred, and what it would have been helpful to hear from an adult. Then when unfairness occurs in the present, think about that little person and tell them you can handle this and how you will handle it. That they don't have to protect you anymore, because you have the skills (list them) to do it.

But also, it's ok to be angry. It is justified. Apparently, we can work through emotions a little faster if we feel them, and by that, I mean feel them in our bodies. This is a skill I am working on. So, how you feel a feeling, is kind of like a body meditation. You identify and name your emotion (anger), then scan your body--do parts of it feel tight? hot/cold? what does your skin feel like? do you have any sensations inside? is anything tingly, numb, etc.? are any muscles tighter or looser than others? do you hear your heartbeat? does it make your nose run?

I would add to this the "completing the stress cycle" skill of just moving your body as much as you need to. Maybe that's dancing or punching the air or running.
posted by purple_bird at 2:55 PM on February 22, 2023 [10 favorites]

There are some great comments above. I would add that digesting your feelings is valid and part of making you more savvy about the next encounter. I find it helpful to remember people I admire from history who overcame a lot of obstacles to break down barriers and move things forward.
posted by effluvia at 3:19 PM on February 22, 2023

Best answer: My in-laws, who experienced some real discrimination and unfairness in their lives, lived by the motto "Do one better for the next guy" You are talking about places where you were powerless and treated unfairly and were effectively blocked from getting justice. So, in the parts of your life where do you have some power and resources, how can you use them to make the world a little more fair by helping someone else?

Some ideas at all different levels of commitment: Volunteer to tutor a child learning English or help a recent immigrant file out government forms. Get training in how to be a witness and ally if someone is being hassled by the police or other authority figures. Create a budget so you can give people money to tide them over when they are in need. Have some bottles of water in your bag to give away to people who seem to be in need. Write letter to advocate on issues that you care about. There are just thousands of ways to make a difference.

The point is that you do have the ability to make a difference in the world. Even if you can't fix some of your own problems, you can do something to make the world a little more fair for someone else. And it can be healing to know that you don't have to just accept this garbage, you are actively making an unfair world just a little tiny bit more fair.
posted by metahawk at 5:29 PM on February 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I couldn't read through all of it, fucking christ, I can offer no advice and only hope to send you good vibes. I cannot imagine going through all that, much less offering advice to someone who has. I hope that you are doing well today, and that you'll be doing better tomorrow.
posted by I paid money to offer this... insight? at 6:50 PM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

The thing that stood out for me most in your question, was how you are comparing yourself to your friend.

I don't think that's helping you.

Are you telling yourself that there is a normal or correct way to respond to trauma that you are somehow failing to achieve?

Because that's not true.

Setting aside the fact that you don't know how your friend really feels, and that there might be things that you handle better than your friend does.

Every one of us are delicate, mysterious, unknowable beings trying to survive in a harsh world. You have experienced trauma that has shaped you in some ways. You're also shaped by any number of other factors, some of them under your control, some of them not.

You're yourself and when you feel pain and anger at unfairness, those feelings are not a sign that there's something wrong with you.

It makes sense that you want to get through the pain and shock part quickly, who wouldn't? But trying to force the process makes it last longer.

This article is about the stress response in people ADHD and Autism, but the fundamental mechanism of how to calm down and become more resilient is the same for anyone who has experienced trauma.

Be patient and kind to yourself.
posted by Zumbador at 7:40 PM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I think its worth analysing if the unfair incident you have experienced is biased, and if so, against which group(s).

All of the incidents you mention from your childhood are people being DEEPLY racist and anti-immigrant.

By contrast, this incident

I called and asked my insurance company if they cover a medical procedure. They said yes verbally on the phone. I double-checked with a second rep and then wrote down the names of both reps and the date. I got the medical procedure done, and my insurance then rejected payment with an excuse. I appealed twice, and both appeals were denied. I paid $5500 out-of-pocket for the medical procedure

is terrible, but it is one that happens regularly to Americans who are not People of Colour and/or immigrants.

You could respond to the health insurance incident by:

saying to yourself "health insurance companies suck, this is not my fault, we really need better health insurance in this country";

looking into whether switching to a different, better health insurance company is possible for you;

telling the people/hospital/clinic who performed the medical procedure that your claim had been denied, and seeing if you could negotiate a lower payment or a payment plan;

reporting it to people who are gathering data about this sort of thing;

looking at which politicians/organisations are working to improve health insurance, and supporting them.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:33 PM on February 22, 2023