Books to help child navigate frenemy relationships
February 14, 2023 4:10 PM Subscribe
My daughter is 6 and is having her first drama-filled friendships. One of them is a friend who seems to really love her, but sometimes is also quite mean to her. I am looking for books suited to this age group that might help her learn some skills to deal with this.
Of course I have talked to the other parent and coached her about how to respond to things like "I don't want to be your friend anymore" (said daily). But if there are kids' books, either fiction or nonfiction, that might help her work through her feelings or learn more strategies, I would really like to read them with her.
Of course I have talked to the other parent and coached her about how to respond to things like "I don't want to be your friend anymore" (said daily). But if there are kids' books, either fiction or nonfiction, that might help her work through her feelings or learn more strategies, I would really like to read them with her.
Best Friends for Frances.
posted by Bardolph at 4:32 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by Bardolph at 4:32 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
I sadly have the same issue with my 4 year old son. He desperately wants friends. He has a great memory and good reading comprehension too. Sadly, his preschool friends are not at the same level and are not really up on the idea of true friendship yet. I think the world of social relationships reinvents itself for them everyday and they have not learned what a friend is. My poor son is going through his own version of Groundhog Day with his preschool classmates. Throughout the day, his closest friend keeps telling him he does not want to be friends anymore when he really means that he just does not want to play at that moment. He gets similar rejections from other kids that are really just normal 4 year old behavior of moving to another fun thing or a momentary reaction to an in the moment activity. He is devastated that he does not have a friend to understand him.
He cried after I read a selection of Frog and Toad stories and he has hidden all his Elephant and Piggie books. Truly heartbreaking for a mom!
His preschool teacher recommended the following books that might be helpful. It might be too young for your daughter but it can't hurt!
Matthew and Tilly by Beth Peck and Rebecca C Jones, about two best friends who have a fight. Some other good ones are Let's Be Enemies by Janice May Udry and The Hating Book by Charlotte Zolotow.
posted by ichimunki at 5:08 PM on February 14, 2023
He cried after I read a selection of Frog and Toad stories and he has hidden all his Elephant and Piggie books. Truly heartbreaking for a mom!
His preschool teacher recommended the following books that might be helpful. It might be too young for your daughter but it can't hurt!
Matthew and Tilly by Beth Peck and Rebecca C Jones, about two best friends who have a fight. Some other good ones are Let's Be Enemies by Janice May Udry and The Hating Book by Charlotte Zolotow.
posted by ichimunki at 5:08 PM on February 14, 2023
I think it may be better to encourage your child to avoid people who are mean to her, rather than learn to deal with them or put up with them. IDK I'm just thinking, if this were my kid, I would tell her to understand that (1) NO MEANS NO so she should stop trying to be friends with this other kid because she has said doesn't want to be friends, and (2) ONLY KINDNESS ALLOWED therefore she should say no if this kid tries to be her friend again - on-again-off-again friendships are unkind. These are the only strategies she needs.
For your part, ask her who else in her class seems nice, and who runs fastest during gym, and who always climbs the rock wall during recess, and who's the funniest kid, and who else loves her favorite teacher, etc. Get her to notice other friend possibilities. Set up playdates for her with other kids. Throw a backyard play party on a warmer day and see who she gets along with.
posted by MiraK at 5:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
For your part, ask her who else in her class seems nice, and who runs fastest during gym, and who always climbs the rock wall during recess, and who's the funniest kid, and who else loves her favorite teacher, etc. Get her to notice other friend possibilities. Set up playdates for her with other kids. Throw a backyard play party on a warmer day and see who she gets along with.
posted by MiraK at 5:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
All of the American Girl "How To" books are spectacular. I think the one closest to her age group would be Stand Up For Yourself And Your Friends.
posted by cooker girl at 6:02 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 6:02 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
She's a bit young for it, but the graphic novel Real Friends by Shannon Hale made a big impression on both my girls when they were 8 years old.
I think it does a good job of showing< the ambiguity and complicated feels around navigating friendships.
It's worth buying. My eldest is 11 and she sometimes rereads it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:55 AM on February 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think it does a good job of showing< the ambiguity and complicated feels around navigating friendships.
It's worth buying. My eldest is 11 and she sometimes rereads it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:55 AM on February 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think it may be better to encourage your child to avoid people who are mean to her, rather than learn to deal with them or put up with them.
Yes, yes, yes! It is far more important to help guide our children in these moments to think about where their own personal power lies. (I'm saying all of this as someone who has worked with children for decades--and while figuring out how to be friends is developmentally appropriate, being unkind is not okay.)
Can they control what other kids say? No.
Can they make their own choices about who they want to hang out with with? Absolutely.
We're all trying our best, but it's really critical to empower our kids that they do not have to try to continue relationships with people who are unkind, period. We don't have to try to figure out what they're thinking, we don't have to try to be nicer to them, we don't have to give them space and let them return to us. Those are all the paths to creating emotional doormats.
Empower your child to recognize she is awesome and there are many people who will be kind to her and want to be her friend.
Lastly, I would also encourage you to not use language like "drama-filled" and instead consider that this is not drama, this is kids not being very nice. When we use terms like drama when discussing this type of thing, it minimizes how devastating this can be.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:23 AM on February 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
Yes, yes, yes! It is far more important to help guide our children in these moments to think about where their own personal power lies. (I'm saying all of this as someone who has worked with children for decades--and while figuring out how to be friends is developmentally appropriate, being unkind is not okay.)
Can they control what other kids say? No.
Can they make their own choices about who they want to hang out with with? Absolutely.
We're all trying our best, but it's really critical to empower our kids that they do not have to try to continue relationships with people who are unkind, period. We don't have to try to figure out what they're thinking, we don't have to try to be nicer to them, we don't have to give them space and let them return to us. Those are all the paths to creating emotional doormats.
Empower your child to recognize she is awesome and there are many people who will be kind to her and want to be her friend.
Lastly, I would also encourage you to not use language like "drama-filled" and instead consider that this is not drama, this is kids not being very nice. When we use terms like drama when discussing this type of thing, it minimizes how devastating this can be.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:23 AM on February 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
A Bargain for Frances is the best frenemy book I know. "Being careful is not as much fun as being friends." Amen to that.
posted by tangosnail at 1:08 PM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by tangosnail at 1:08 PM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
(1) NO MEANS NO so she should stop trying to be friends with this other kid because she has said doesn't want to be friends, and (2) ONLY KINDNESS ALLOWED therefore she should say no if this kid tries to be her friend again - on-again-off-again friendships are unkind
I think the rest of MiraK's advice is spot-on but I want to push back on this a little bit.
I've worked with kids for ~15 years and things that were true before covid are not true anymore. My rule of thumb has been that every kid's social-emotional (and often academic) skills are about two years behind what would've been typical in 2019. Sometimes more! And a 4-year-old -- which is probably about what your daughter's friend is, developmentally -- isn't saying "you're not my friend" out of malice or intentional unkindness. It's most likely what ichimunki notices among the preschool set -- she's just saying that she doesn't want to play right now, or she's feeling mad/sad/hungry/disregulated right now. And as with a four-year-old, the best response is basically "that hurts my feelings" or "that makes me feel sad", rather than like, cutting the friendship out entirely. (Of course, if your daughter WANTS to stop being friends with this kid, she should! But if she enjoys being around her some or most of the time, that might not be the best outcome for either kid.)
(to the question, though, the Frances books are great!)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 1:29 PM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think the rest of MiraK's advice is spot-on but I want to push back on this a little bit.
I've worked with kids for ~15 years and things that were true before covid are not true anymore. My rule of thumb has been that every kid's social-emotional (and often academic) skills are about two years behind what would've been typical in 2019. Sometimes more! And a 4-year-old -- which is probably about what your daughter's friend is, developmentally -- isn't saying "you're not my friend" out of malice or intentional unkindness. It's most likely what ichimunki notices among the preschool set -- she's just saying that she doesn't want to play right now, or she's feeling mad/sad/hungry/disregulated right now. And as with a four-year-old, the best response is basically "that hurts my feelings" or "that makes me feel sad", rather than like, cutting the friendship out entirely. (Of course, if your daughter WANTS to stop being friends with this kid, she should! But if she enjoys being around her some or most of the time, that might not be the best outcome for either kid.)
(to the question, though, the Frances books are great!)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 1:29 PM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
> isn't saying "you're not my friend" out of malice or intentional unkindness. It's most likely what ichimunki notices among the preschool set -- she's just saying that she doesn't want to play right now, or she's feeling mad/sad/hungry/disregulated right now.
This is all relevant to the child's caregivers and therapists and maybe to sociologists, not to other children who are experiencing the unkindness.
OP, I just think it's important to teach your kid what unkindness looks like in everyday life. You need to unambiguously communicate that unkindness is not acceptable and that people who are unkind should be avoided. Children don't know this unless we teach them. In fact kids are so bombarded with messages about sticking with friends that it falls to you as a parent to identify *for your child* (especially at this age) when it's better for her to seek out other people to hang with. Like I said earlier in my comment, you do not need to be obtrusive about your guidance. There are gentle and subtle ways to guide your six year old towards people who are fun to be with.
But no, your kid should not be sticking around guessing whether the other child's unkindness was intentional or unintentional, whether the unkindness was genuinely what was meant or whether the other kid was just sad/mad/hungry/tired, what the developmental age or stage of the person who did the unkind thing is, what possible environmental or social or psychological factors might be causing the other person's unkindness, etc. Unless your child is a mind-reader, the child's parental figure, the child's therapist, or the child's consulting sociologist, none of this is her business. For her, the only appropriate response to unkindness is to identify it and walk away from it.
If this other child were to say to your kid, OP, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be unkind, it was unintentional," then yes, definitely help your child work through this hurtful social interaction and help her negotiate with the other child a way for both of them to move forward. I'm definitely not saying this other hcild is dangerous and needs to be cut out of your kid's life! But acknowledgement and apology hasn't happened here, as far as I can tell, so it's irrelevant. For now, your kid needs to walk away and stay away.
posted by MiraK at 12:44 PM on February 16, 2023
This is all relevant to the child's caregivers and therapists and maybe to sociologists, not to other children who are experiencing the unkindness.
OP, I just think it's important to teach your kid what unkindness looks like in everyday life. You need to unambiguously communicate that unkindness is not acceptable and that people who are unkind should be avoided. Children don't know this unless we teach them. In fact kids are so bombarded with messages about sticking with friends that it falls to you as a parent to identify *for your child* (especially at this age) when it's better for her to seek out other people to hang with. Like I said earlier in my comment, you do not need to be obtrusive about your guidance. There are gentle and subtle ways to guide your six year old towards people who are fun to be with.
But no, your kid should not be sticking around guessing whether the other child's unkindness was intentional or unintentional, whether the unkindness was genuinely what was meant or whether the other kid was just sad/mad/hungry/tired, what the developmental age or stage of the person who did the unkind thing is, what possible environmental or social or psychological factors might be causing the other person's unkindness, etc. Unless your child is a mind-reader, the child's parental figure, the child's therapist, or the child's consulting sociologist, none of this is her business. For her, the only appropriate response to unkindness is to identify it and walk away from it.
If this other child were to say to your kid, OP, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be unkind, it was unintentional," then yes, definitely help your child work through this hurtful social interaction and help her negotiate with the other child a way for both of them to move forward. I'm definitely not saying this other hcild is dangerous and needs to be cut out of your kid's life! But acknowledgement and apology hasn't happened here, as far as I can tell, so it's irrelevant. For now, your kid needs to walk away and stay away.
posted by MiraK at 12:44 PM on February 16, 2023
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Though I suppose if you're looking for framing conversations about how to maintain this "friendship" poopshake won't work for you.
posted by phunniemee at 4:27 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]