Unsure How To Proceed - Friend Went Behind My Back With Someone I dated

February 13, 2023 12:41 PM

Wondering if I'm being overly emotional about my response to a friend sneaking behind my back to get with someone I had just been dating.

Last month, I (a 30's something lesbian) met someone through a really close friend of mine named Liz. We will call her Mary. I had known about Mary because a different friend said she was new and maybe she and I would hit it off. Before I even met Mary I had asked Liz several times if she was into Mary, just out of curiosity and just being friendly. Twice Liz swore up and down that Mary was too masculine for her, and she wasn't into her sexually. She had also known her for at least 6-9 months, so it's not like Mary and Liz had just met.

Soon after Mary and I had a flirty night out with several other friends including Liz. Mary and I eventually hooked up, Liz was actually there and stayed elsewhere in the house that night. Mary and I went on a few dates as well, and Mary seemed into me. I was excited! Someone I liked was into me! However eventually Mary said she had to work on some personal issues and wasn't ready to date. I was pretty upset about this but at least she told me. Liz knew all of this. I vented to Liz about it all.

A couple weeks later I get a weird spidey sense that something is going on with Liz and Mary. I asked a couple mutual friends if they knew anything, but they didn't. I hung out with Liz a few times, hoping she would mention it. I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want to sound crazy and paranoid. I am ultra sensitive because I've had potential love interests "swooped" out from under me by friends...this is something I have struggled with.

I hung out with them all in a group twice last week, but didn't notice them acting flirty. Liz and I even had a heart to heart talk about life two days ago, she discussed personal family issues, even talked about some old crush she had just seen on a trip last month to Portland. I talked about how it's hard for me to find people because I always get attached if I have sex with them. Liz didn't mention anything about Mary, and becuase of her talking so openly about other women she was into, I thought maybe I was being paranoid.

Last night we hung out in a group and I knew something was up. Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore so I asked Liz straight up via text after the group hangout if she was seeing Mary. She said she was, and that she was planning to tell me in her own time and in person.

So now I'm reeling. Not only am I hurt because it's been scant a couple of weeks since I got rejected and I'm not over Mary, but now I know Liz was going around behind my back, lying by omission, and changing words to avoid sounding like they were hanging out. She must have known it would hurt me. She introduced us, and told me multiple times she wasn't interested in her. Was she not interested until I slept with her? Was Mary dating me to make Liz jealous? I feel terribly used and lied to.

I'm strongly considering ending this friendship but I don't know if I'm overreacting. I just feel betrayed and like I cannot trust Liz anymore. I'm also not good with conflict but I feel the need to be brutally honest with Liz about how this makes me feel.

posted by christiehawk to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Wait a little bit until you don’t feel so raw emotionally. Write stuff down on paper and put it away, so you don’t send a text or an email before you’re really ready. And then yeah, it’s probably time to think about whether this a friendship that’s worth keeping. Can you truly ever trust these people again? But: I will repeat, don’t interact with them about ANYTHING yet. Hang out with other friends, throw yourself into a hobby, go on a trip, but put time between you and this betrayal before you contact either of them again for a while.
posted by terridrawsstuff at 12:50 PM on February 13, 2023 [18 favorites]

I think your reaction is about being rejected by Mary than anything else.

Liz's explanation --that she was planning on telling you might be true. She knew you were into Mary, so she was trying to figure out how to tell you, knowing it would be hard for you. And, yes, maybe seeing you being into Mary did prompt Liz to feeling amorous towards Mary, but that sometimes happens, I would not jump to you were being "used". As far as being lied to, it seems plausible that they were figuring things out and were not ready to go public with what was happening.

If their relationship is hard for you to be around right now, sure, give yourself space. But I would not end the friendship over this, assuming Liz is generally a good friend. Your fling with Mary had played out, why is Liz supposed to not hook up with Mary? Mary and Liz are free to do what they want, neither of them owe you an oath of celibacy to protect your (understandably) bruised ego.

Give yourself some time to get over this. Rejection hurts!

good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 1:23 PM on February 13, 2023 [20 favorites]

Best answer: I agree that this was sneaky and duplicitous behaviour on Liz's part, not least because she listened to you talk about very personal things that you might have chosen not to share, or would have discussed differently, if you'd known the situation between her and Mary. I'd be upset about if it happened to me, too.

The advice above to take a break from that whole scene for a couple of weeks until you feel a little less raw emotionally, and then look at whether or not you want to engage with any of these people at all, is excellent. If you do decide to talk to Liz about how you feel, make sure you're doing it for your own benefit, and not because you feel you owe her any kind of explanation for disengaging. She sounds like the kind of person who would twist things around (e.g. "I don't need your permission to date someone") rather than address the real behaviour.
posted by rpfields at 1:23 PM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

What's clear is that she withheld information from you and, as rpfields said, let you have a conversation you might not otherwise have had. As for the first thing, sometimes there are good reasons for withholding information, and other times not so good reasons that seem good at the time. I have a feeling people disagree about what's appropriate. For the second, I don't know. L. might have felt that she's falling short as a friend to you if she is not receptive. I'm just guessing. But I think the way you put it about being used is just not at all clear from any of the facts you mentioned.
posted by melamakarona at 1:30 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Oh, this is so tough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree that it would be good to just take a some space and time and a big deep breath before making a decision to end a friendship or have a big conversation with Liz. You don't have to make any decisions right now. I think the best thing right now is to tend to your own hurt, with both Liz and Mary. You can tell Liz, if need be, that you want to take a bit of space.

I think you know, probably, in the big picture (and this is hard to hear but true) that Liz and Mary get to date if they want to. We don't get to call dibs on people. They are consenting adults who can choose to date each other. I know you said you have struggled with "swooping," but Liz and Mary were friends well before you entered the picture. You didn't swoop, of course (you made sure this whole thing was cool with Liz), but also... no one is obligated to not date someone else, you know? So, moving on from that...

I think there are two issues: one, the hurt of being rejected by Mary; and two, that Liz wasn't being totally upfront about it all, likely because of the awkwardness of knowing you were still reeling from rejection.

The part with Mary hurts, but it sounds like she treated you respectfully. With Liz, well, maybe Liz realized she was into Mary after all, and she had painted herself into a corner after what she said to you.

A friend of mine once started dating someone I had been really into, and she didn't tell me for months, and it was super awkward to find out they both hadn't told me. But the thing is, they weren't really betraying me. They were just being conflict avoidant. It sounds like Liz doesn't have the skills to be upfront and honest and was trying to figure out how to tell you she was doing something she wished she didn't have to tell you. That doesn't mean her behavior was wrong. Again, Liz and Mary are allowed to date. But it wasn't a great friendship move.

So I'd say to take some time and nurse your pain a bit. I don't know how long you and Liz have been friends. The bigger question is if you can continue a friendship with someone who maybe has a hard time sharing hard truths. That's not the worst failing, but in this case, it feels more like betrayal because of the hurt with Mary.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:19 PM on February 13, 2023 [13 favorites]

You don't have to stay friends with Liz if you don't want to, for any reason, but right now you are venting your (understandable) hurt feelings over being broken up with on someone you consider a good friend. Given that Liz seems primarily guilty of misjudgment in an awkward social situation (i.e., realizing you are romantically interested in someone after telling your friend who dated her briefly you weren't), I'm guessing you probably don't really want to do that. Give yourself some time to cool off with Liz, and then talk through with her your preference that she would have been direct with you, even though it would've been painful for you, because that is the kind of point of conflict good friends should be able to work on together.

I've been trying to think of a way to say this that doesn't sound mean, but I was surprised to look back and see that you are in your 30s rather than a recent college graduate. If you often find yourself caught up in such conflicts, I would recommend that you consider therapy.
posted by praemunire at 2:25 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

I would not be too thrilled by the way this was playing out. Would you say that this is characteristic of your social circle? You mention romantic interests being "swooped" in the past.

Obviously in a smaller, tighter knit community friends are going to date your exes and almosts, but once everyone is into their thirties I kind of expect people to belt up and talk to each other to avoid ugly surprises rather than repeatedly denying things, and I expect that people will be, most of the time, at least a little bit hands off - not so much in the Liz/Mary situation since Liz is correct to feel that you and Mary dated for a while but it didn't work out so it's reasonable to pursue Mary, but if you have a sense that people you're interested in are repeatedly actively pursued by your other friends that seems weird.

Is there anything lurking in the background where you feel that your friends pursue your interests because the fact that you are already pursuing them makes them seem more exciting and desirable? Like, do you feel that Liz was not interested in Mary and then got interested in Mary in part because she saw Mary as more desirable after you pursued her? I know that sounds weird and sort of high school ish, but this whole thing sounds a little bit young for a group of people in their thirties.

Basically, I'd be examining my friend group and consider whether a new hobby, volunteer activity or other pursuit could take me into new spheres.
posted by Frowner at 2:29 PM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

There are good omissions (friends wanting to let you down easy), and there are bad omissions (keeping you in the dark just to embarrass you).

It is best to NOT presume dark motives, esp. when it comes to relationships. We can't help to like or dislike who we like. It is very possible Liz didn't like Mary when she tried to set you two up, and it was Mary pursuing Liz. The fact that they didn't let you know is a little bit concerning, but again, it's best NOT to presume dark motives, like Liz "leading you on while going behind your back and stole her from you". Relationships don't work like that.

My personal advice, and I am a guy so you should probably ignore me, is to congratulate them next time you are all together, then let on that you are looking for someone, and maybe they can introduce you to someone ELSE! They both owe you a bit of explanation, but no need to make it public. Just have them think they both owe you a favor or sort, and see how it goes.
posted by kschang at 3:01 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm unclear on the timing. Is it possible that Liz wasn't with Mary when she was talking to you before and that it was an extremely recent thing?

Still. Liz dating Mary at all while your wounds were still fresh is a bit of a slap in the face.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:11 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I was prepared to say lesbians are gonna lesbian (as one), but after reading this, Liz is acting as bit of a snake.

There's plenty of us to go around, and if I counted someone as a close friend I wouldn't date someone that rejected them a few weeks later. Sounds like a really disappointing few months on two fronts - first, the rejection from Mary and then this weird behavior from Liz!

I would put some distance between you and the group for a bit. Hopefully this doesn't play out too long (most relationships don't - fortunately or unfortunately).

Hang in there, and I would invest in other friends. Sorry to share this, but at least you saw this behavior now and this isn't happening with your wife or someone more serious.
posted by pando11 at 3:59 PM on February 13, 2023

I don't necessarily see a need to ascribe uncharitable motivations to Liz. There are all sorts of reasons why she might not have wanted to tak to you about her attraction to Mary in the beginning, and the fact that you felt the need to ask her about it multiple times suggests that you had some awareness there was more to the story but chose to pursue Mary anyway. Liz and Mary getting together so soon after you and Mary stopped dating is poor etiquette to be sure but not a cardinal sin, since there's no indication that it started while you were with Mary or venting to Liz about the breakup. Your behavior gives me the impression that Liz was well aware that you would take the news of them dating extremely poorly, which would make even the best intentioned person wary of having that conversation with you. It's a bit unfair to expect Liz to be doing all the disclosing when you're organizing hangouts to give her more opportunities to confess and asking your friends about them instead of just having a non-confrontational discussion with her.

I'm wondering if part of the problem here is that Mary broke things off with you by saying she wasn't ready to date only for her to start dating Liz a few weeks later. I would gently posit that Mary said because she wasn't interested in dating you and wanted to let you down easy, and that her and Liz's decision to start dating ultimately has nothing to do with you. Are you otherwise happy with your friendship with Liz? If so, take some space to think things over and then talk to her about how you feel.
posted by fox problems at 5:25 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

Question--why did you keep asking Liz if she was into Mary in the first place? If she had answered "yes, I kind of have a crush, doesn't everyone?" or "actually, Mary is complete wife goals, but I don't think she'd be into me because I'm too femme/butch/tall/short/whatever," would you have backed off? The idea that Liz had to give a guarantee of disinterest before you felt safe to date Mary is interesting, as if you don't feel comfortable dating someone until everyone else in your circle has forsworn attraction to her, or as if you felt that if Liz did feel anything at all Mary would automatically prefer her to you. I guess these predictions did play out, which is perhaps why you feel so betrayed? But yeah, Liz and Mary are within their rights to date each other.
posted by kingdead at 8:35 PM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

I think it would be reasonable to drop Liz as a friend -- it doesn't feel like she had your back in this situation. While it's true you don't get, like, permanent dibs on someone, a good friend ideally isn't going to date someone who JUST dumped you, you know?

That said, my personal advice would be to not do anything about it right now; I'd just stay away from these folks for a few weeks, then see how I felt about it in early March.

Sorry this happened to you, it sounds hard.
posted by hungrytiger at 1:09 AM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]

Plenty of good advice above. THere's also this:

I've had potential love interests "swooped" out from under me by friends...this is something I have struggled with.

You can pay attention to this thought, too, because I think it's putting too much onus on having to justify feeling hurt. You can feel hurt without thinking/saying/assuming that someone can be swooped out from under you. Assuming there's no malfeasance, we're talking about adults who have all made intentional judgments and decisions. There was no swooping. Liz isn't necessarily an enemy for hitting it off with someone you mutually know, and being confused by the experience, no matter how much excitement you had at the thought of a potential new relationship. Liz and Mary aren't co-conspirators, either, until proven otherwise. Feelings of hurt and protection are complicated, and I can read this as Liz being very aware of how the situation looks and yet being pulled by her own, possibly conflicting heartstrings.

If you want to keep your friendship with Liz, you can be kind to your firend and kind to yourself at the same time. And you can do that by giving yourself, the situation, the players, some space and time until it feels like you can talk to Liz with an interest in repairing your relationship. Right now it's a radioactively hot situation. It's hard to be kind to anyone, including ourselves, when we're in an emotional pressure cooker.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:11 AM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I know I’m supposed to sit back here but just wanted to clarify a couple things. This situation was so nuanced and the timing of things was what really upset me, and it’s hard to fully explain it all without making it so long.

I had asked Liz if she was into Mary because Liz and another friend were mentioning setting me up with Mary. I know Liz and Mary have similar interests so I asked if she was into her during a friendly convo about finding people with similar interests. And it came up another time as well although I don’t remember the context. The point being for mentioning it, that it was serious whiplash for me and confusing. I was not under any assumption that I needed to especially “check” before I hooked up with Mary.

Without overdoing details, When I first met Mary I had an inkling she had been into Liz at some point when they first met but I assumed that it was in the past, as Liz was not interested and it was presented in a joking manner. Liz changing her mind within about a week of Mary cutting it off with me is so close in timing. Additionally I’m fairly sure that Liz was hiding this from me while I was venting to her about the situation and asking for advice. Anyway, thanks for all the food for thought.
posted by christiehawk at 9:23 AM on February 14, 2023