Sensory overload and emotional crash after sex
January 19, 2023 3:29 PM Subscribe
I am having lots of cuddles and fun sex a couple times a week with my boyfriend of 5 months. We're super attracted to each other and he's a sweetheart. It's great! Except for the overwhelming feelings of sensory overload that happens after (sometimes a little during, but then we stop/take a break) and, relatedly or as part of it, an emotional crash, sometimes really bad, that starts hitting me half an hour or so after we have had a lot of physical contact, and can take hours to recover from. I would really like to be able to have a healthy sex life without internally totally spiraling multiple times a week. Can anyone share similar experiences and provide advice on this?
More details and information on what I've tried so far:
--I have always had this problem to some degree, whether I had sex with others or, um, by myself. However, I've been single for almost all of the past decade and it was never this bad when I was having sex before. Things that have changed: I transitioned (I am a trans man, late 30s) and have a different hormonal profile now (testosterone injections). I am having much better and more intense physical intimacy than I was before. (I had only had sex with heterosexual men before. I'm sure some of you have some imagination, but all the sex I had followed the standard heterosexual order of activities that would all be over within half an hour, so, yeah.)
--I really do not have underlying hang ups or guilt about sex that is causing this. Everything I do with my boyfriend is very enthusiastically consented to by both of us.
--I think I probably have autism but have not been diagnosed. My boyfriend does have autism and is very understanding about this. He has his own sensory issues, just about different stuff.
--The "spiral" I'm talking about: I start feeling intensely repulsed by the idea of having another person in my physical proximity. I feel super irritable and anxious, and often physically agitated. Last night, the only thing I could do to calm down was to jog in place in my apartment for like 20 minutes (I would have run around outside, but the sidewalks are way too icy. And I hate running.) And I still felt pretty shitty after the jogging, just not intolerably so.
--I've been managing this so far by planning to have some alone time when it's going to happen. I might go for a walk, and/or listen to music, maybe do some work on my computer or do some cleaning. It helps a little but I still feel pretty miserable for a few hours. Last night we fooled around a bit before going out to a restaurant to meet friends, and then the restaurant was loud, and then when we got back I didn't retreat to my room right away, so when it all really hit me it was BAD. (I should have known better but wasn't thinking...we were just planning to cuddle because boyfriend had a bad day but then our horny brains took over).
--I have other mental health issues (bipolar 2 disorder, anxiety) that are well managed with medication. I'm not in the middle of any kind of mood episode.
--I experience this as a very physical reaction, I just feel totally overloaded and I'm sure it's all related to drop in hormones and feel-good chemicals after physical intimacy.
--We have found choosing sexual activities in which I am not getting as much stimulation and am instead doing stuff to him makes it better after, but still bad. Having him wear a blindfold and thus not look at me/make eye contact with me also reduced the sensory input (and was fun for other reasons). I am more dominant sexually and the "focus on doing stuff to him" thing is very enjoyable, but he and I would both enjoy having him more focused on him giving me pleasure sometimes as well.
--It can also help to have sex in the morning instead of later in the day.
--I have experienced this just from cuddling and kissing for a while, not just sex. Not as bad as when we had sex, but...I want to have sex.
If anyone has any advice, or even can share similar experiences that make me feel less isolated about having this problem, I'd be very grateful. Thank you!
More details and information on what I've tried so far:
--I have always had this problem to some degree, whether I had sex with others or, um, by myself. However, I've been single for almost all of the past decade and it was never this bad when I was having sex before. Things that have changed: I transitioned (I am a trans man, late 30s) and have a different hormonal profile now (testosterone injections). I am having much better and more intense physical intimacy than I was before. (I had only had sex with heterosexual men before. I'm sure some of you have some imagination, but all the sex I had followed the standard heterosexual order of activities that would all be over within half an hour, so, yeah.)
--I really do not have underlying hang ups or guilt about sex that is causing this. Everything I do with my boyfriend is very enthusiastically consented to by both of us.
--I think I probably have autism but have not been diagnosed. My boyfriend does have autism and is very understanding about this. He has his own sensory issues, just about different stuff.
--The "spiral" I'm talking about: I start feeling intensely repulsed by the idea of having another person in my physical proximity. I feel super irritable and anxious, and often physically agitated. Last night, the only thing I could do to calm down was to jog in place in my apartment for like 20 minutes (I would have run around outside, but the sidewalks are way too icy. And I hate running.) And I still felt pretty shitty after the jogging, just not intolerably so.
--I've been managing this so far by planning to have some alone time when it's going to happen. I might go for a walk, and/or listen to music, maybe do some work on my computer or do some cleaning. It helps a little but I still feel pretty miserable for a few hours. Last night we fooled around a bit before going out to a restaurant to meet friends, and then the restaurant was loud, and then when we got back I didn't retreat to my room right away, so when it all really hit me it was BAD. (I should have known better but wasn't thinking...we were just planning to cuddle because boyfriend had a bad day but then our horny brains took over).
--I have other mental health issues (bipolar 2 disorder, anxiety) that are well managed with medication. I'm not in the middle of any kind of mood episode.
--I experience this as a very physical reaction, I just feel totally overloaded and I'm sure it's all related to drop in hormones and feel-good chemicals after physical intimacy.
--We have found choosing sexual activities in which I am not getting as much stimulation and am instead doing stuff to him makes it better after, but still bad. Having him wear a blindfold and thus not look at me/make eye contact with me also reduced the sensory input (and was fun for other reasons). I am more dominant sexually and the "focus on doing stuff to him" thing is very enjoyable, but he and I would both enjoy having him more focused on him giving me pleasure sometimes as well.
--It can also help to have sex in the morning instead of later in the day.
--I have experienced this just from cuddling and kissing for a while, not just sex. Not as bad as when we had sex, but...I want to have sex.
If anyone has any advice, or even can share similar experiences that make me feel less isolated about having this problem, I'd be very grateful. Thank you!
Best answer: I am autistic, and I also get this. Like you, my partner is wonderful and we're very emotionally intimate — the crash is 100% a hormonal and sensory processing thing.
To be totally honest, my "easy way out" solution for this is to just have sex right before bed and go to sleep immediately, so that the neurotransmitter crash happens while I'm asleep. And then I'm totally fine the next day, because like you said, it's not a psychological thing, it's a physiological thing that you just have to ride out. But obviously the timing doesn't always work.
My other solution would be, learn more about what your sensory processing needs are. I think you're onto something with the jogging. Whether or not you're autistic, a lot of neurodivergent people have sensory processing sensitivities that can be exacerbated by spikes in stimuli, or a buildup of too much unfamiliar stimuli. You mention that it helps to have sex in the morning instead of later in the day — I wonder if that's because you have more of a "clean slate", so to speak, without a day's worth of accumulation of stress and stimuli in your system?
This is a good overview of sensory processing. And here's a great TED talk by an autistic person about it.
There are lots of things you can do to calm your nervous system down when it is dysregulated/agitated — like textures, weighted blankets or vests, vibration, physical exercise with a lot of vestibular or pressure input, etc. These pages have loads of examples of things you can do for sensory integration: one, two.
It's also good to hear that you and your partner are already figuring out your own preferences about what kind of touch and stimuli work for you. Some personal examples: I don't react well to the kind of light, gentle, stroking touch that most people find calming; it just feels bad. The amount of pressure I need is much heavier and would feel alarming to most people. Or: instead of hugs, I like to get squeezed. I think things like this are quite common for autistic people. So I'd suggest throwing away everything we've been taught from tv and movies about what loving touch is supposed to look like, and experimenting just as you've been doing — starting from square one without any assumptions!
(Sidenote: yay for you transitioning and having much better intimacy with your new guy, that's awesome!)
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 6:43 PM on January 19, 2023 [12 favorites]
To be totally honest, my "easy way out" solution for this is to just have sex right before bed and go to sleep immediately, so that the neurotransmitter crash happens while I'm asleep. And then I'm totally fine the next day, because like you said, it's not a psychological thing, it's a physiological thing that you just have to ride out. But obviously the timing doesn't always work.
My other solution would be, learn more about what your sensory processing needs are. I think you're onto something with the jogging. Whether or not you're autistic, a lot of neurodivergent people have sensory processing sensitivities that can be exacerbated by spikes in stimuli, or a buildup of too much unfamiliar stimuli. You mention that it helps to have sex in the morning instead of later in the day — I wonder if that's because you have more of a "clean slate", so to speak, without a day's worth of accumulation of stress and stimuli in your system?
This is a good overview of sensory processing. And here's a great TED talk by an autistic person about it.
There are lots of things you can do to calm your nervous system down when it is dysregulated/agitated — like textures, weighted blankets or vests, vibration, physical exercise with a lot of vestibular or pressure input, etc. These pages have loads of examples of things you can do for sensory integration: one, two.
It's also good to hear that you and your partner are already figuring out your own preferences about what kind of touch and stimuli work for you. Some personal examples: I don't react well to the kind of light, gentle, stroking touch that most people find calming; it just feels bad. The amount of pressure I need is much heavier and would feel alarming to most people. Or: instead of hugs, I like to get squeezed. I think things like this are quite common for autistic people. So I'd suggest throwing away everything we've been taught from tv and movies about what loving touch is supposed to look like, and experimenting just as you've been doing — starting from square one without any assumptions!
(Sidenote: yay for you transitioning and having much better intimacy with your new guy, that's awesome!)
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 6:43 PM on January 19, 2023 [12 favorites]
I imagine it’s occurred to you that the cycle of sexual excitement and pleasure followed by an emotional crash and irritability you experience is a lot like a time compressed version of the hypomania followed by depression cycle typical of bipolar 2.
So I think you might try an approach that has helped alleviate symptoms of the depressive segment of the bipolar cycle for some people: over the counter non-steroidal anti-inflammatories such as aspirin and ibuprofen.
posted by jamjam at 7:35 PM on January 19, 2023
So I think you might try an approach that has helped alleviate symptoms of the depressive segment of the bipolar cycle for some people: over the counter non-steroidal anti-inflammatories such as aspirin and ibuprofen.
posted by jamjam at 7:35 PM on January 19, 2023
As a cis het man who is not entirely neurotypical, I have had this experience. I'm quite a fan of sexual intimacy, but the urge to escape can be powerful at times.
My imperfect suggestion is to be entirely honest with your partner ahead of time and plan for it. "It has nothing to do with you" is worth repeating. Explain why you're doing it and then go for a walk or a swim. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 9:31 PM on January 19, 2023
My imperfect suggestion is to be entirely honest with your partner ahead of time and plan for it. "It has nothing to do with you" is worth repeating. Explain why you're doing it and then go for a walk or a swim. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 9:31 PM on January 19, 2023
FWIW, one aspect of BDSM play that is often not talked about is "aftercare", which happens after the "scene" of intense sensory experience. Then the dom partner will be considerate and communicative to help the sub through the endorphin crash and sadness in the phase known as "sub-drop". In someone who's not into BDSM, this is known as post-coital dysphoria... feeling of tearfulness and anxiety after sex. Cuddling and communication are one way to cope with it.
posted by kschang at 10:13 PM on January 19, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by kschang at 10:13 PM on January 19, 2023 [8 favorites]
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