Resources to form healthier mindset around work/life goals
January 15, 2023 10:53 PM Subscribe
I've been realizing that a lot of my stress in life is self-imposed and related to childhood trauma. I relate highly to descriptions of "overcontrolled emotion." You are not my therapist, but are there any books, practices or resources you've found especially helpful in learning how to be flexible and not filled with dread at making mistakes, failing to deliver on commitments, and being criticized? (More details within)
I am seriously considering therapy for this. In the meantime, I'd like to find more helpful resources on this topic. I've often been pretty good at addressing previous challenges through books (bibliotherapy, from Feeling Good, I think is a valid practice). But a lot of those things I think were symptoms of a larger issue.
In particular, I'd like to find resources around the following: How can I take small steps towards training myself and my body responses not to be so terrified of being yelled at and being viewed as horrible, unlovable and incompetent, when I've seemingly structured my whole life around trying to be impervious to other's judgment (although rationally in my mind I know they still can and do judge)? And how can I forgive my mom for her inadvertent role in this and interact with her healthily while she is still in my life?
Details I think are relevant here:
- My mother and father never got along and still don't. My mother yelled at my father a lot (still does) or lashed out passive-aggressively at him for what seemed like extremely arbitrary things and I never really saw my father defending himself. I try not to blame either of them for this dynamic -- they're struggling themselves. But it can be hard to not be upset with and blame my mom in particular. (I now do think my dad enabled this behavior by not pushing back, but he never took it out on anybody.)
- This anger was almost never directed at me and I received a lot of love and support from them both (though my dad seemed like the stable, calm one and my mom often seemed like an emotional hot mess), so for a long time I discounted this interaction's effect on me. But growing up in this environment felt chaotic and I strongly identified with my father. I internalized being yelled at and that the way to be loved was to be extremely calm and easy to get along with and to anticipate other people's needs before they voiced them. I'm female, if that affects anyone's assessment.
- My mom's anger still triggers me when I see it against my dad and makes me feel helpless. She doesn't know any of this influence, as far as I can tell. She seemed to believe my sensitization was just who I was: I remember her mentioning how as a child I would cry if anyone just looked at me harshly and they never had to punish me -- I was the "good kid," whereas my brother was more outwardly rebellious (although we supported each other too, the effects on him have manifested in other ways). Also, I showed up perfectionistic and stressed out at school early on, pushing to get straight As, and again she was mystified because she and my dad were never hard on me directly.
- To date, I've responded in my life by trying to control and anticipate events and make predictive assessments of people. I've let go of some of that over the years, but my nervous system is still very reactive to implied threat and my brain goes on overdrive in response to an upcoming ambiguous situation, trying to think through and prepare for the future. Often I'm successful at preparing, which reinforces this tendency.
- Both my parents I think address their need to be loved and validated through work, my mom in particular through overwork. I always got the idea that achievement was the way to be a worthy human being, and that only gets reinforced over time through societal influence and friends' admiration.
- In attempts to cope with that still very awful fear of being yelled at, I tried to make myself impervious to all criticism by attempting to anticipate other's needs and working extremely hard on work projects, becoming achievement-oriented and perfectionistic. My overwork and control has been rewarded and I've been relatively successful at work and in small creative achievements, but as time has gone on I get less satisfaction from it and more and more dread over fear of it all falling apart somehow.
- Criticism still often feels like daggers to me in work settings, even when I'm relatively confident of my skills, and usually I don't even get actual criticism but over-read the trace of something I might've done wrong and can get privately debilitated for hours. This can happen with friends too but less often.
- I had a very micromanager boss for a few years who poked at some of my worst fears and was passive-aggressive, which made me lock down and overwork even more.
- My biggest dreams are creative and I've had some success at creating personal works, but most have never gone beyond a few close friends, as my deep fears of being criticized and inertia around publicizing my stuff holds me back.
- My latest issue feels like an iteration on a theme: I've taken on extra projects because I was excited about them. Then it felt like I was committed to achieving it all because I said I would and otherwise I wouldn't be keeping my word. Then I started feeling like I was going to fail and be an unaccomplished/unworthy person who never really did anything with their life because I was scattered and overcommitted. Then all the things I now *had* to do started to make me feel panicked and short of breath for days, even though I was looking forward to them before I felt overwhelmed. I broke it down into small pieces and feel slightly better, but the root problem is still there. I'm just like... when will this frustrating and exhausting dread end so I can just enjoy the process of living?
This is something that's been going on way too long (I'm in my late 30s) and I feel like I can finally see why I do it more and want to tackle it head on. But I also don't want to make it one more thing I'm hard on myself about and feel like I've failed at ;P
Okay, thanks a lot if you've read this far. It's a lot to untangle because it's snaked in subtly into several areas. So again, I'd love to know any books, podcasts, articles, thinkers, therapeutic practices, other kinds of practices, etc. that helped you if you struggled with something similar. And again, I'll probably investigate professional help soon as well, but this would give me some useful places to start looking/thinking about.
A few other secondary observations if useful:
- I think most people in my life view me as pretty calm and easy to get along with. It's in my nature to be authentic and share my interests and goals, and listen to other people. But I also am secretly very afraid of being judged and found wanting, and do my best to be a really easy, good, and reliable friend and not lean on others much at all. I have a very wonderful, supportive husband who I've gradually leaned on more over the years and who supports my growth (including in this), who had a lot more healthy childhood.
- I would say I also have a neurotic tendency to collect friends, which I worked really hard at, in case I get abandoned by some of them (I had a few close friends ghost me when I was in elementary school, which was devastating). But other people just see me as being good at making a lot of friends.
- I've also had additional stressors on me lately like protecting against long COVID, since I've had some health conditions like a parasite that were major drags on me for a few years and which make me more hypervigilant. (Even if you believe this isn't likely to happen, I'd prefer not to hear about it, thanks... :) ) Thankfully I'm able to work remotely and most of my friends have been very understanding.
- In all, I've been outwardly fairly high-functioning and solution-oriented, figuring out ways to break things down into smaller tasks to overcome paralysis, muscling through, and sometimes feeling genuine joy in achievements and connection. Most people think I'm doing great, based on what they tell me, and would probably be surprised to hear this. But all too often I overwhelm myself with the desire to prove that I'm lovable and awesome through work, I think, and I'm very over-identified with that. If I take on too many projects or something goes a little bit wrong I can get very sidetracked with an almost existential feeling of failure and doom.
I am seriously considering therapy for this. In the meantime, I'd like to find more helpful resources on this topic. I've often been pretty good at addressing previous challenges through books (bibliotherapy, from Feeling Good, I think is a valid practice). But a lot of those things I think were symptoms of a larger issue.
In particular, I'd like to find resources around the following: How can I take small steps towards training myself and my body responses not to be so terrified of being yelled at and being viewed as horrible, unlovable and incompetent, when I've seemingly structured my whole life around trying to be impervious to other's judgment (although rationally in my mind I know they still can and do judge)? And how can I forgive my mom for her inadvertent role in this and interact with her healthily while she is still in my life?
Details I think are relevant here:
- My mother and father never got along and still don't. My mother yelled at my father a lot (still does) or lashed out passive-aggressively at him for what seemed like extremely arbitrary things and I never really saw my father defending himself. I try not to blame either of them for this dynamic -- they're struggling themselves. But it can be hard to not be upset with and blame my mom in particular. (I now do think my dad enabled this behavior by not pushing back, but he never took it out on anybody.)
- This anger was almost never directed at me and I received a lot of love and support from them both (though my dad seemed like the stable, calm one and my mom often seemed like an emotional hot mess), so for a long time I discounted this interaction's effect on me. But growing up in this environment felt chaotic and I strongly identified with my father. I internalized being yelled at and that the way to be loved was to be extremely calm and easy to get along with and to anticipate other people's needs before they voiced them. I'm female, if that affects anyone's assessment.
- My mom's anger still triggers me when I see it against my dad and makes me feel helpless. She doesn't know any of this influence, as far as I can tell. She seemed to believe my sensitization was just who I was: I remember her mentioning how as a child I would cry if anyone just looked at me harshly and they never had to punish me -- I was the "good kid," whereas my brother was more outwardly rebellious (although we supported each other too, the effects on him have manifested in other ways). Also, I showed up perfectionistic and stressed out at school early on, pushing to get straight As, and again she was mystified because she and my dad were never hard on me directly.
- To date, I've responded in my life by trying to control and anticipate events and make predictive assessments of people. I've let go of some of that over the years, but my nervous system is still very reactive to implied threat and my brain goes on overdrive in response to an upcoming ambiguous situation, trying to think through and prepare for the future. Often I'm successful at preparing, which reinforces this tendency.
- Both my parents I think address their need to be loved and validated through work, my mom in particular through overwork. I always got the idea that achievement was the way to be a worthy human being, and that only gets reinforced over time through societal influence and friends' admiration.
- In attempts to cope with that still very awful fear of being yelled at, I tried to make myself impervious to all criticism by attempting to anticipate other's needs and working extremely hard on work projects, becoming achievement-oriented and perfectionistic. My overwork and control has been rewarded and I've been relatively successful at work and in small creative achievements, but as time has gone on I get less satisfaction from it and more and more dread over fear of it all falling apart somehow.
- Criticism still often feels like daggers to me in work settings, even when I'm relatively confident of my skills, and usually I don't even get actual criticism but over-read the trace of something I might've done wrong and can get privately debilitated for hours. This can happen with friends too but less often.
- I had a very micromanager boss for a few years who poked at some of my worst fears and was passive-aggressive, which made me lock down and overwork even more.
- My biggest dreams are creative and I've had some success at creating personal works, but most have never gone beyond a few close friends, as my deep fears of being criticized and inertia around publicizing my stuff holds me back.
- My latest issue feels like an iteration on a theme: I've taken on extra projects because I was excited about them. Then it felt like I was committed to achieving it all because I said I would and otherwise I wouldn't be keeping my word. Then I started feeling like I was going to fail and be an unaccomplished/unworthy person who never really did anything with their life because I was scattered and overcommitted. Then all the things I now *had* to do started to make me feel panicked and short of breath for days, even though I was looking forward to them before I felt overwhelmed. I broke it down into small pieces and feel slightly better, but the root problem is still there. I'm just like... when will this frustrating and exhausting dread end so I can just enjoy the process of living?
This is something that's been going on way too long (I'm in my late 30s) and I feel like I can finally see why I do it more and want to tackle it head on. But I also don't want to make it one more thing I'm hard on myself about and feel like I've failed at ;P
Okay, thanks a lot if you've read this far. It's a lot to untangle because it's snaked in subtly into several areas. So again, I'd love to know any books, podcasts, articles, thinkers, therapeutic practices, other kinds of practices, etc. that helped you if you struggled with something similar. And again, I'll probably investigate professional help soon as well, but this would give me some useful places to start looking/thinking about.
A few other secondary observations if useful:
- I think most people in my life view me as pretty calm and easy to get along with. It's in my nature to be authentic and share my interests and goals, and listen to other people. But I also am secretly very afraid of being judged and found wanting, and do my best to be a really easy, good, and reliable friend and not lean on others much at all. I have a very wonderful, supportive husband who I've gradually leaned on more over the years and who supports my growth (including in this), who had a lot more healthy childhood.
- I would say I also have a neurotic tendency to collect friends, which I worked really hard at, in case I get abandoned by some of them (I had a few close friends ghost me when I was in elementary school, which was devastating). But other people just see me as being good at making a lot of friends.
- I've also had additional stressors on me lately like protecting against long COVID, since I've had some health conditions like a parasite that were major drags on me for a few years and which make me more hypervigilant. (Even if you believe this isn't likely to happen, I'd prefer not to hear about it, thanks... :) ) Thankfully I'm able to work remotely and most of my friends have been very understanding.
- In all, I've been outwardly fairly high-functioning and solution-oriented, figuring out ways to break things down into smaller tasks to overcome paralysis, muscling through, and sometimes feeling genuine joy in achievements and connection. Most people think I'm doing great, based on what they tell me, and would probably be surprised to hear this. But all too often I overwhelm myself with the desire to prove that I'm lovable and awesome through work, I think, and I'm very over-identified with that. If I take on too many projects or something goes a little bit wrong I can get very sidetracked with an almost existential feeling of failure and doom.
I cannot recommend self-compassion.org highly enough
posted by Chrysalis at 3:10 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 3:10 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
How can I take small steps towards training myself and my body responses not to be so terrified…
also came here to recommend https://self-compassion.org/ as Chrysalis did above. kristin neff’s work is directly relevant to the two main questions you articulate in your post, but focuses more on body response as you mention here.
…And how can I forgive my mom…
also want to recommend the work of byron katie , and in particular her book loving what is.
I am seriously considering therapy for this.
this could be its own ask, and it’s not really your question here, but this sounds like a great suggestion. i have heard good things about emdr for processing trauma from those close to me.
posted by tamarack at 6:22 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
also came here to recommend https://self-compassion.org/ as Chrysalis did above. kristin neff’s work is directly relevant to the two main questions you articulate in your post, but focuses more on body response as you mention here.
…And how can I forgive my mom…
also want to recommend the work of byron katie , and in particular her book loving what is.
I am seriously considering therapy for this.
this could be its own ask, and it’s not really your question here, but this sounds like a great suggestion. i have heard good things about emdr for processing trauma from those close to me.
posted by tamarack at 6:22 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is less focused on the familial trauma aspect of your question, but as someone who had a lot of difficulties dealing with even minor criticism, I really strongly recommend Thanks for the Feedback by Doug Stone and Sheila Heen. I found that the discussion of feedback approaches and triggers helped me get more comfortable with corrections and criticism, both in professional and personal settings, and helped me sort out how I wanted to take it.
Stone and Heen's framework helped me feel a lot less scared of people telling me I wasn't perfect, which I think was a vital step towards more self-compassion - folks have already suggested great resources on that.
posted by kserra at 6:25 AM on January 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
Stone and Heen's framework helped me feel a lot less scared of people telling me I wasn't perfect, which I think was a vital step towards more self-compassion - folks have already suggested great resources on that.
posted by kserra at 6:25 AM on January 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
This sounds a whole lot like ADHD, or possibly AuDHD (colloquial internet term for co-occurring ADHD+autism). This is not to say that there's not a layer of trauma on top (hard to avoid when you're ADHD and/or autistic), but it's really hard to address the trauma when you don't know the underlying neuro-reality.
Things in your question that seem to me to point in this direction:
- Rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Look this up if nothing else. Very common in ADHD.
- Being unexpectedly ghosted by friends (or "friends").
- High emotional sensitivity as a child, and working very hard to hide this (i.e., masking).
- Being super creative and enthusiastically starting lots of exciting projects, but then having the complexity explode and having great difficulty finishing them. (Very ADHD.)
- Brain going into overdrive in ambiguous situations and doing a ton of pre-planning as a safety measure (this is a very characteristically autistic thing to do).
- Perfectionism and people-pleasing as a desperate strategy to be accepted by others.
- Being female (and academically strong), which means nobody ever thought to consider the possibility of ADHD and/or autism.
- Being authentic and listening sincerely to other people (strong autistic trait).
- Just the fact that you need strategies to break things down to overcome paralysis (this is a self-developed system for compensating for executive function difficulties, the latter being a key diagnostic criterion in ADHD and also quite common in autism).
- Having a history of addressing challenges through deep-dive self-education via books (an autistic trait in my opinion).
There's a megapost on autism on the Blue from a few days ago, but I'd probably start by reading up about ADHD (or AuDHD) in adult women. Here's a 9-minute YouTube video by an AuDHD woman (Yo Samdy Sam) as a somewhat random place to start, if this is a suggestion you are open to pursuing.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:00 AM on January 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
Things in your question that seem to me to point in this direction:
- Rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Look this up if nothing else. Very common in ADHD.
- Being unexpectedly ghosted by friends (or "friends").
- High emotional sensitivity as a child, and working very hard to hide this (i.e., masking).
- Being super creative and enthusiastically starting lots of exciting projects, but then having the complexity explode and having great difficulty finishing them. (Very ADHD.)
- Brain going into overdrive in ambiguous situations and doing a ton of pre-planning as a safety measure (this is a very characteristically autistic thing to do).
- Perfectionism and people-pleasing as a desperate strategy to be accepted by others.
- Being female (and academically strong), which means nobody ever thought to consider the possibility of ADHD and/or autism.
- Being authentic and listening sincerely to other people (strong autistic trait).
- Just the fact that you need strategies to break things down to overcome paralysis (this is a self-developed system for compensating for executive function difficulties, the latter being a key diagnostic criterion in ADHD and also quite common in autism).
- Having a history of addressing challenges through deep-dive self-education via books (an autistic trait in my opinion).
There's a megapost on autism on the Blue from a few days ago, but I'd probably start by reading up about ADHD (or AuDHD) in adult women. Here's a 9-minute YouTube video by an AuDHD woman (Yo Samdy Sam) as a somewhat random place to start, if this is a suggestion you are open to pursuing.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:00 AM on January 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I strongly identify with the perfectionism, fear of rejection, validatiin through work, need to control things around me, etc. And I also grew up in a household full of anger and abuse (though it was often directed at me). I struggle to do anything I'm not perfect at (Art? New hobbies? Terrifying).
I really liked Reinventing Your Life as a way to help me recognize some of my patterns.
Also fully support and strongly encourage therapy. I found EMDR to be especially helpful.
posted by CleverClover at 8:07 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
I really liked Reinventing Your Life as a way to help me recognize some of my patterns.
Also fully support and strongly encourage therapy. I found EMDR to be especially helpful.
posted by CleverClover at 8:07 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
In addition to the suggestions above, exercise is really helpful for anxiety. Longer sessions (45-60 minutes) are best, with higher intensity, but even just regularly walking can help. Stretching is also helpful, particularly yoga, and strength training. Since you say you're hard on yourself, don't think of this as something you "should" do, but just something you can experiment with and slowly build up as a habit. I also recommend Headspace, which has a nice approach to teaching basic meditation and breathing exercises.
posted by pinochiette at 8:42 AM on January 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 8:42 AM on January 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
I feel like my answer above wasn’t really complete enough and probably came across like it defended yelling or let your mom off the hook. I didn’t mean to do that. I guess I’m sympathetic because at the moment I’m finding it difficult not to yell and get mad and I was also recently diagnosed with PTSD and will go shortly to the hospital for longer treatment. My mom never yelled but her methods were extremely cruel- and I was physically attacked and emotionally abused. Now I have a short fuse… when I read about your mom I just thought: intergenerational trauma. I couldn’t even tell the difference between my kids cries when they were babies! Mothers have so much asked of them as archetypal figures but sometimes it’s soooo complicated! I’m sorry you experienced this and it’s taken this toll on your life. The book I was thinking of was c-PTSD from surviving to thriving by Peter walker.
posted by flink at 8:52 AM on January 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by flink at 8:52 AM on January 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Agree this sounds a lot like me and my childhood and my parents dynamics, and would DEFINITELY recommend looking at ADHD in adult women. ADDitude is a good resource, as is anything by Sari Solden and/or Michelle Frank.
Because of its name, people think of ADHD as about attention and focus and executive function, but there is a lot about it that effects one’s emotional regulation, and it’s all stuff that matches up with what you’ve shared.
posted by emkelley at 6:30 AM on January 17, 2023
Because of its name, people think of ADHD as about attention and focus and executive function, but there is a lot about it that effects one’s emotional regulation, and it’s all stuff that matches up with what you’ve shared.
posted by emkelley at 6:30 AM on January 17, 2023
Agree it's extremely complicated and therapy (I'd recommend Internal Family Systems) would be great.
What stuck out for me is that you were "the good kid" - you internalised all the things you had to do to behave (and you know all the things that will happen if you don't). That's a really hard thing to take to e.g. work, when you have things you need to do, things you might not do quite right, and things you might drop the ball on.
The best way is to over time and repeatedly tell "the good kid" who still lives inside you that things are different now, that adult anonymous can stand up for themselves, can admit mistakes without agreeing that punishment for them is ok, and that life is not like it was back then. This is really what an IFS therapist would ultimately support you with.
posted by london explorer girl at 6:50 AM on January 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
What stuck out for me is that you were "the good kid" - you internalised all the things you had to do to behave (and you know all the things that will happen if you don't). That's a really hard thing to take to e.g. work, when you have things you need to do, things you might not do quite right, and things you might drop the ball on.
The best way is to over time and repeatedly tell "the good kid" who still lives inside you that things are different now, that adult anonymous can stand up for themselves, can admit mistakes without agreeing that punishment for them is ok, and that life is not like it was back then. This is really what an IFS therapist would ultimately support you with.
posted by london explorer girl at 6:50 AM on January 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've never found books in the self help category soothing, but I find examples of "found family" in fiction very much so. It shows a realistic but hopeful future for someone who isn't close to their family; models healthy relationships between friends, partners, and mentors/mentees; and often touches on how the characters are moving past their own traumas. (Make sure you avoid stories which contain particularly upsetting/triggering content, as that can derail your emotional state).
I'm always left with a cozy feeling after reading or watching a found family story - as well as a deeper understanding of what kind of treatment I should aim to receive in close relationships IRL. When you grow up in a harsh and unloving family you come to expect everyone else to be like that and even internalise the punishments you were given. But, as you begin to correct your perception of what good treatment is, it becomes easier to recognise that the critical voice in your conscience really isn't worth listening to.
Also, I wholeheartedly recommend trauma-focused therapies - I'm having EMDR but there are a lot of other modalities aimed at treating trauma. It's best to find a therapist who knows multiple types and can mix and match them to suit your needs. Medication has helped me too and was accessible through my GP. Good luck, and I really hope things work out for you.
posted by wandering zinnia at 2:09 PM on January 18, 2023
I'm always left with a cozy feeling after reading or watching a found family story - as well as a deeper understanding of what kind of treatment I should aim to receive in close relationships IRL. When you grow up in a harsh and unloving family you come to expect everyone else to be like that and even internalise the punishments you were given. But, as you begin to correct your perception of what good treatment is, it becomes easier to recognise that the critical voice in your conscience really isn't worth listening to.
Also, I wholeheartedly recommend trauma-focused therapies - I'm having EMDR but there are a lot of other modalities aimed at treating trauma. It's best to find a therapist who knows multiple types and can mix and match them to suit your needs. Medication has helped me too and was accessible through my GP. Good luck, and I really hope things work out for you.
posted by wandering zinnia at 2:09 PM on January 18, 2023
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Imagine you want to talk about something important to your husband and he’s not comfortable with it but can’t say (he has his own issues) so he yawns in your face loudly multiple times when he doesn’t want to talk, repeatedly. Well, you can’t make someone admit to that and you sound crazy getting upset about it. He can sit there looking innocent, while he’s the victim of a crazy wife who gets mad when he yawns! The issue is never resolved.
Also, when you remember your childhood you project adult cognition but children assume that power between adults is equal and the shouter is automatically wrong… I read this recently about how children assign blame and understand conflict between parents and perceive power when there is abuse in the family.
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/prevention-resource-centre/women/little-eyes-little-ears-violence-against-a-mother-shapes-children-they-grow.html
Anyway, I would say this is extremely complicated and therapy will be good. Search terms you will be good to start with are: internal family systems, mother wound, somatic experience, Janina fisher and then there is a great cptsd book but I can’t remember the name, I’m sure someone else will mention it.
posted by flink at 1:14 AM on January 16, 2023