Are there questions I should ask a new GF about the abuse she survived?
January 4, 2023 11:40 AM Subscribe
My new GF is recently out of 4 year marriage that was abusive. She's made it clear that if I have any questions about that relationship, she's open to answering them. But is there really anything I should ask?
Our relationship is going very well after three months (we do regular relationship check-ins) and we both see a lot of potential in our future.
She is a bit emotionally brittle, understandably, but we're making our relationship work and enjoying ourselves. Her ex husband was evidently fantastic while they were dating, then did a complete 180 after marriage, where he constantly belittled her, refused to have sex with her, tried to control whether she could leave the house, her finances and generally turned into a horrendous asshole who tried to control, manipulate, and intimidate her. He also threatened to kill her a few times.
Eventually she divorced him and has been in therapy since then (it's been about 8 months) as she tries to come to terms with why she stayed with him for so long (her words, not mine). She's explained all the above to me and says if I have any questions, she's open to answering them.
I've thought about it and am not thinking there's any questions I really need to ask. Obviously she's not to blame and was deceived and abused by someone she loved. I have no wish to ask questions which might trigger memories and I'm not seeing anything remotely like a red flag. Especially since she eventually gathered resources that enabled her and her child to move out of his house and she moved on.
She's been a bit defensive or anxious at times with me understandably. For example if we have a lot going on separately, but have some plans later, I may ask where she'll be at X time and she'll want to know why I'm demanding that information. I just calmly point out that I'm trying to make sure I can meet up her at X time and place and if either of us needs to make adjustments (which would be fine). Basically just making it clear she can do what she wants and doesn't need my permission for anything, I just want to be with her. She responds calmly and there's been less of that since she's come to trust me and our relationship a bit more.
But this is a new situation for me (we're both in our late 40s) and I'm wondering if there's anything I should be asking? My only real question that I have asked was if she was in therapy and she is, so she's dealing with it.
I listen when she does tell me specifics and my responses are along the lines of "i'm sorry you had to deal with/survive this, because it wasn't right/fair/he was wrong and that I, as her new partner, am only interested in being with her, not controlling anything about her.
Is there anything else that I, as her loving and hopefully understanding partner, should be asking her about the abuse she suffered and survived?
Our relationship is going very well after three months (we do regular relationship check-ins) and we both see a lot of potential in our future.
She is a bit emotionally brittle, understandably, but we're making our relationship work and enjoying ourselves. Her ex husband was evidently fantastic while they were dating, then did a complete 180 after marriage, where he constantly belittled her, refused to have sex with her, tried to control whether she could leave the house, her finances and generally turned into a horrendous asshole who tried to control, manipulate, and intimidate her. He also threatened to kill her a few times.
Eventually she divorced him and has been in therapy since then (it's been about 8 months) as she tries to come to terms with why she stayed with him for so long (her words, not mine). She's explained all the above to me and says if I have any questions, she's open to answering them.
I've thought about it and am not thinking there's any questions I really need to ask. Obviously she's not to blame and was deceived and abused by someone she loved. I have no wish to ask questions which might trigger memories and I'm not seeing anything remotely like a red flag. Especially since she eventually gathered resources that enabled her and her child to move out of his house and she moved on.
She's been a bit defensive or anxious at times with me understandably. For example if we have a lot going on separately, but have some plans later, I may ask where she'll be at X time and she'll want to know why I'm demanding that information. I just calmly point out that I'm trying to make sure I can meet up her at X time and place and if either of us needs to make adjustments (which would be fine). Basically just making it clear she can do what she wants and doesn't need my permission for anything, I just want to be with her. She responds calmly and there's been less of that since she's come to trust me and our relationship a bit more.
But this is a new situation for me (we're both in our late 40s) and I'm wondering if there's anything I should be asking? My only real question that I have asked was if she was in therapy and she is, so she's dealing with it.
I listen when she does tell me specifics and my responses are along the lines of "i'm sorry you had to deal with/survive this, because it wasn't right/fair/he was wrong and that I, as her new partner, am only interested in being with her, not controlling anything about her.
Is there anything else that I, as her loving and hopefully understanding partner, should be asking her about the abuse she suffered and survived?
I agree that you don’t need to “dig up the past” or make her revisit her experiences with the abuse, particularly since she is doing that work in therapy. You are doing well by thinking about how to help her practice some containment by not continually discussing/revisiting the past and only talking about the abuse intentionally, at set times, and with her consent. But I also think it would be worthwhile to explore how her previous experiences might show up in your relationship now. I’d stick with questions that pertain to your current relationship, for instance are there any particular behaviors/phrases/actions that she may be especially sensitive to or that might trigger her anxiety/discomfort? What does it look like when she’s triggered, and, if she’s able to tell you, what would help soothe or reassure her in those moments? And in general, are there particular behaviors/phrases/actions you can do that will help soothe her anxiety, build trust, and increase her sense of safety with you?
posted by sleepingwithcats at 11:54 AM on January 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 11:54 AM on January 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
Ask "how should I ask questions like (your example) 'where will you be later? " and say things like "I'm open to hearing about things, but I don't want to trigger anything. When you're having those feelings about something we're doing or talking about please let me know, and we can talk about it and figure out how we can do that better" .
My thought is to give her the 'control' in those sorts of questions by changing it to something like "where shall we meet up for dinner?" or "can we set a time and place where we'll meet, or would you prefer to call me later so we can figure it out?".
posted by TimHare at 11:55 AM on January 4, 2023 [18 favorites]
My thought is to give her the 'control' in those sorts of questions by changing it to something like "where shall we meet up for dinner?" or "can we set a time and place where we'll meet, or would you prefer to call me later so we can figure it out?".
posted by TimHare at 11:55 AM on January 4, 2023 [18 favorites]
Best answer: "I don't have questions about your past abuse, but I so appreciate you offering in case I did. My only questions are about you, now. How are you? How can I support you? How can I continue to develop and grow trust between us? How I can I best show you how much I care about, love, and trust you? Is there anything that you want to tell me about your past or talk through?; These are my only questions and I will keep asking."
posted by desert exile at 12:18 PM on January 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by desert exile at 12:18 PM on January 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
I'd ask what she feels comfortable with your sharing with other people. You've shared a lot here - semi-anonymously - would she be ok with you sharing this much detail with your parents? Friends? It's very personal, so seeing what she is ok with (and that probably will change over time), would be helpful to you both.
posted by Toddles at 12:21 PM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 12:21 PM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
If she hasn't shared her already known triggers with you, you might ask her if there are ones she is aware of that she is willing to share, so that you can learn how to avoid or restructure them.
Also... you might consider a conversation where you let her know that you don't WANT to hit her triggers, but that you may not understand them or be aware of them. (As in the above, about asking her plans.) If she can come to a place where instead of being upset or angry when you unintentionally hit one of them, she gives you the benefit of the doubt and just TELLS you that makes her react in a certain manner or feel a certain way, then perhaps the two of you can find a way to adapt or go around it.
In my opinion, it's important that she be an active participant in this, so she doesn't just perceive it as - using the example above - trying to control her in the same way but with different words. It can be really tough to get out of the mindset where you perceive negative intentions no matter what.
In other words, she has to communicate. It can't all be you tip-toeing around her. And she has to be doing the work to heal. Part of healing is to eventually become less-reactive to those triggers.
That said... eight months out of a 4+ year abusive relationship is NOT VERY LONG. Especially if you started dating three months ago. She hasn't had much time to learn - or re-learn - how to be alone and independent. (Her relationship history and ability to be independent PRIOR to the abusive relationship might be important here, especially since you're both in your late 40s. Regaining independence and a sense of self is very different when one has a 20 year history that might have been filled with positive, negative, or no relationship experiences.)
In fact, that also suggests that her reasons she stayed in that relationship might vary wildly from reasons a 20-something might have. Where the 20-something might have gone from an unhealthy home life directly into an abusive relationship, and have no idea it wasn't ok, or any idea how to escape it, a 40-something might instead have felt that it was her last chance at a relationship. (If that makes sense... and there are myriad other possibilities.) And that's not even mentioning the psychology behind it, just the practical details.
So be open to listening, be open to adapting, and be open to understanding that this is still early days of her healing from that relationship.
Oh, and one more thing. If your relationship progresses to the point where you're talking about combining households... absolutely encourage her to put money aside so that she has an "if I ever needed to leave" fund. One that you don't have access to. (In fact, you each should... but that's beside the point.) That would give her another mental "buffer", because that's often one of the most difficult things, is to find the financial ability to leave.
posted by stormyteal at 12:53 PM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also... you might consider a conversation where you let her know that you don't WANT to hit her triggers, but that you may not understand them or be aware of them. (As in the above, about asking her plans.) If she can come to a place where instead of being upset or angry when you unintentionally hit one of them, she gives you the benefit of the doubt and just TELLS you that makes her react in a certain manner or feel a certain way, then perhaps the two of you can find a way to adapt or go around it.
In my opinion, it's important that she be an active participant in this, so she doesn't just perceive it as - using the example above - trying to control her in the same way but with different words. It can be really tough to get out of the mindset where you perceive negative intentions no matter what.
In other words, she has to communicate. It can't all be you tip-toeing around her. And she has to be doing the work to heal. Part of healing is to eventually become less-reactive to those triggers.
That said... eight months out of a 4+ year abusive relationship is NOT VERY LONG. Especially if you started dating three months ago. She hasn't had much time to learn - or re-learn - how to be alone and independent. (Her relationship history and ability to be independent PRIOR to the abusive relationship might be important here, especially since you're both in your late 40s. Regaining independence and a sense of self is very different when one has a 20 year history that might have been filled with positive, negative, or no relationship experiences.)
In fact, that also suggests that her reasons she stayed in that relationship might vary wildly from reasons a 20-something might have. Where the 20-something might have gone from an unhealthy home life directly into an abusive relationship, and have no idea it wasn't ok, or any idea how to escape it, a 40-something might instead have felt that it was her last chance at a relationship. (If that makes sense... and there are myriad other possibilities.) And that's not even mentioning the psychology behind it, just the practical details.
So be open to listening, be open to adapting, and be open to understanding that this is still early days of her healing from that relationship.
Oh, and one more thing. If your relationship progresses to the point where you're talking about combining households... absolutely encourage her to put money aside so that she has an "if I ever needed to leave" fund. One that you don't have access to. (In fact, you each should... but that's beside the point.) That would give her another mental "buffer", because that's often one of the most difficult things, is to find the financial ability to leave.
posted by stormyteal at 12:53 PM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Is there anything I should avoid doing?
example answers: don't touch me without getting consent; don't use the nickname my abuser gave me; don't bring up this specific video game that my abuser was always talking about; don't raise your voice in arguments
Is there anything I should do to protect you?
example answers: don't give out my address; make sure I'm never seated facing away from the door while we're together; redirect the conversation if someone gets onto a topic that might trigger me; give me trigger warnings if I ask for them
Is there anything I should do if you're triggered?
example answers: make sure I can be somewhere alone; give me a hug; help me get home
Is there anything I can do to help you heal?
example answers: help me have healthy disagreements with you; help me have privacy from you
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 1:37 PM on January 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
example answers: don't touch me without getting consent; don't use the nickname my abuser gave me; don't bring up this specific video game that my abuser was always talking about; don't raise your voice in arguments
Is there anything I should do to protect you?
example answers: don't give out my address; make sure I'm never seated facing away from the door while we're together; redirect the conversation if someone gets onto a topic that might trigger me; give me trigger warnings if I ask for them
Is there anything I should do if you're triggered?
example answers: make sure I can be somewhere alone; give me a hug; help me get home
Is there anything I can do to help you heal?
example answers: help me have healthy disagreements with you; help me have privacy from you
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 1:37 PM on January 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
Make it clear that you're not asking questions because you're disinterested, but because having more information isn't necessary for you. Sometimes people don't think people want to hear about stuff because it's embarrassing or TMI or whatever and she should know that if there's anything she wants to talk about, you're happy to.
posted by metasarah at 2:02 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 2:02 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
If her ex is the father of her child, you should ask a lot of questions so you know how to interact with him for visitation or custody hand-offs.
posted by CathyG at 9:51 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by CathyG at 9:51 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
For example if we have a lot going on separately, but have some plans later, I may ask where she'll be at X time and she'll want to know why I'm demanding that information. I just calmly point out that I'm trying to make sure I can meet up her at X time and place and if either of us needs to make adjustments (which would be fine).
A suggestion in general: when you ask questions, ask about the information you actually need, not information adjacent to it. In this example, you don't need to know where she'll be at X time, you need to know whether meeting up at a particular time and place will work. Ask that. "Will meeting at X time and place work for you, or should we adjust plans?"
posted by Lexica at 11:02 AM on January 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
A suggestion in general: when you ask questions, ask about the information you actually need, not information adjacent to it. In this example, you don't need to know where she'll be at X time, you need to know whether meeting up at a particular time and place will work. Ask that. "Will meeting at X time and place work for you, or should we adjust plans?"
posted by Lexica at 11:02 AM on January 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sounds like you are doing a great job so far! I agree with others that you don't need to ask questions about her past. I would encourage you to be transparent and authentic about all of this (as it sounds like you're already doing). As someone with a history of abuse in my life, often the most helpful thing is for someone to just be present and caring and real with me and not act like the abuse is something radioactive that can't be engaged with (while also being respectful and aware that there can be a lot of feelings involved in discussing it). So if you ever do feel curious or just want to make space for her to talk more, allow yourself to ask! And if that doesn't come up, that's okay too.
posted by overglow at 9:12 AM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by overglow at 9:12 AM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you don't have any questions, no need to manufacture any just to bring it up. But if you do have questions down the line, I think it's worth thinking about how you'd raise them.
Take the example you gave, about wanting to know where she'd be to make plans. I might want to know, after that interaction, what feelings it brought up for her, and how we can have those kinds of conversations more productively in the future. I'd likely want to pick a time, not during the actual conversation, but later when we're both relaxed, to sort of debrief about the experience. Tell her that you noticed she didn't seem to like the question you asked, and confirm whether that's true. Ask if she could say more about why that is and how it made her feel, and listen carefully to her answer. Affirm for her that you had no intention of controlling her or spying on her or trying to prevent her from doing what she wants to do, and that you love spending time with her. And ask her whether there are ways you can communicate about plans that are less likely to bring up negative feelings for her or remind her of bad patterns from her previous relationship.
Obviously, you're allowed to have your own boundaries. If, for example, she responds with, "you can never ask me where I am and when I'll be free, you just have to wait by the phone for me to call you when I'm ready to see you," you can tell her how that makes you feel and that that way of making plans isn't going to work for you. You can ask for a compromise, and suggest other ways to handle those communications that would meet both of your needs. You can have deal breakers and needs and things that make you feel upset, too. But if you can have a real conversation about them, that's how you figure out whether you're compatible.
posted by decathecting at 11:31 AM on January 11, 2023
Take the example you gave, about wanting to know where she'd be to make plans. I might want to know, after that interaction, what feelings it brought up for her, and how we can have those kinds of conversations more productively in the future. I'd likely want to pick a time, not during the actual conversation, but later when we're both relaxed, to sort of debrief about the experience. Tell her that you noticed she didn't seem to like the question you asked, and confirm whether that's true. Ask if she could say more about why that is and how it made her feel, and listen carefully to her answer. Affirm for her that you had no intention of controlling her or spying on her or trying to prevent her from doing what she wants to do, and that you love spending time with her. And ask her whether there are ways you can communicate about plans that are less likely to bring up negative feelings for her or remind her of bad patterns from her previous relationship.
Obviously, you're allowed to have your own boundaries. If, for example, she responds with, "you can never ask me where I am and when I'll be free, you just have to wait by the phone for me to call you when I'm ready to see you," you can tell her how that makes you feel and that that way of making plans isn't going to work for you. You can ask for a compromise, and suggest other ways to handle those communications that would meet both of your needs. You can have deal breakers and needs and things that make you feel upset, too. But if you can have a real conversation about them, that's how you figure out whether you're compatible.
posted by decathecting at 11:31 AM on January 11, 2023
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(I was in a similar, but much less abusive situation as her, and I don't think there's anything about me that my partner would have benefitted from asking directly that wouldn't come up in other situations where I might be more sensitive or defensive than normal, and that we'd talk through at the time. That is a really long sentence, but I hope it makes sense.)
posted by Sparky Buttons at 11:53 AM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]