Please explain Hindu funeral rites as performed in the US
December 30, 2022 7:13 PM Subscribe
I've just been told that my mother has days to weeks to live, probably the former. She is a devout Hindu but I am not. I want to honor her wishes for her last rites but am having trouble understanding the pragmatics, and I do not have family here to guide me. Any information on practical processes, rituals, the reasoning/religious significance of said rituals, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
You may recognize me from my other question. Everyone has been so thoughtful and kind that I wanted to turn to Ask one more time for more advice as things progress quickly.
Basically, my mom has very fast moving Stage IV breast cancer with essentially liver failure from liver metastases. The Hail Mary treatment doesn't look like it is working and my mom has developed complications of cancer (DIC) that may make her passing much more imminent than we thought even a few days ago. I want to honor her soul as much as possible and give her proper Hindu funeral rites but I am honestly baffled about this process apart from the fact that she will need to be cremated.
My mom is incredibly superstitious and has not wanted to discuss death, but when she was more lucid she did tell me to contact the priest at our temple should she pass. But...then what?
I am writing this question in the setting of exhaustion, guilt, and grief and would be so grateful to have someone spell this process out.
Any links or resources targeted towards first-gen South Asians would also be helpful (I've only found odd theoretical pages with nothing pragmatic spelled out.)
Finally any anecdotes on how you have handled a Hindu funeral in the US, things you wish you had known or done differently would be helpful, too. Thank you.
Other potentially relevant info/hang ups:
- I am not fluent in our native language of Telugu so I am terrified I will mess something up and her soul will not move on, so there's a lot of bad-Hindu guilt here as well
-I would speak with my mom more but I'm also in the awful position of possibly having to be the one to break the news to her that treatment hasn't worked, and try to figure out what her goals of care are in this setting (she had stated these in a living will a long time ago, but I don't know how they apply to this specific situation.) It's just a lot and I want to spare her what I can since she has previously expressed a desire to not face some of these more difficult issues - doing so right now feels hard, but also like a last act of kindness and love as her daughter.
You may recognize me from my other question. Everyone has been so thoughtful and kind that I wanted to turn to Ask one more time for more advice as things progress quickly.
Basically, my mom has very fast moving Stage IV breast cancer with essentially liver failure from liver metastases. The Hail Mary treatment doesn't look like it is working and my mom has developed complications of cancer (DIC) that may make her passing much more imminent than we thought even a few days ago. I want to honor her soul as much as possible and give her proper Hindu funeral rites but I am honestly baffled about this process apart from the fact that she will need to be cremated.
My mom is incredibly superstitious and has not wanted to discuss death, but when she was more lucid she did tell me to contact the priest at our temple should she pass. But...then what?
I am writing this question in the setting of exhaustion, guilt, and grief and would be so grateful to have someone spell this process out.
Any links or resources targeted towards first-gen South Asians would also be helpful (I've only found odd theoretical pages with nothing pragmatic spelled out.)
Finally any anecdotes on how you have handled a Hindu funeral in the US, things you wish you had known or done differently would be helpful, too. Thank you.
Other potentially relevant info/hang ups:
- I am not fluent in our native language of Telugu so I am terrified I will mess something up and her soul will not move on, so there's a lot of bad-Hindu guilt here as well
-I would speak with my mom more but I'm also in the awful position of possibly having to be the one to break the news to her that treatment hasn't worked, and try to figure out what her goals of care are in this setting (she had stated these in a living will a long time ago, but I don't know how they apply to this specific situation.) It's just a lot and I want to spare her what I can since she has previously expressed a desire to not face some of these more difficult issues - doing so right now feels hard, but also like a last act of kindness and love as her daughter.
I'm also a bad hindu, but I've been two family funerals in the last couple of years. This is South Indian brahmin, so may not apply across the board. But: there are two parts to the service. The first one is a "prepare the soul" sort of thing, which kicks off 13 days of mourning. The second one is a "celebrate the soul passing on".
It seems like the most important piece of it to others was that the first ceremony happened before sundown on the day the person died. This is logistically difficult, but I've been to a service in Philly and one in DC, and both funeral homes managed to make it happen. The first service doesn't need to be attended by a ton of people. The eldest son (or daughter) has to participate in a few places, but generally it's close family and friends who happened to be around that day. The second service is more like an American funeral/wake/celebration-of-life, and I think it has less important religious elements.
The priest will know which funeral homes to work with and what to do. And I'd bet you can also say "I'm doing this to honor my mother's wishes, so please include the important parts but you don't need to go from cover to cover."
Also, if she's religious and has a relationship with this priest, he may be able to help you break the news -- or at least give you advice, and give her counseling right after you tell her.
posted by hammurderer at 8:36 PM on December 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
It seems like the most important piece of it to others was that the first ceremony happened before sundown on the day the person died. This is logistically difficult, but I've been to a service in Philly and one in DC, and both funeral homes managed to make it happen. The first service doesn't need to be attended by a ton of people. The eldest son (or daughter) has to participate in a few places, but generally it's close family and friends who happened to be around that day. The second service is more like an American funeral/wake/celebration-of-life, and I think it has less important religious elements.
The priest will know which funeral homes to work with and what to do. And I'd bet you can also say "I'm doing this to honor my mother's wishes, so please include the important parts but you don't need to go from cover to cover."
Also, if she's religious and has a relationship with this priest, he may be able to help you break the news -- or at least give you advice, and give her counseling right after you tell her.
posted by hammurderer at 8:36 PM on December 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
To add to the advice above: if you're unable to get in contact with her priest/a local priest, reach out to the hospital chaplain service. They should be able to help navigate this with you. As the others have said, you will likely not be the first person to come to them with this question.
posted by OhHaieThere at 9:10 PM on December 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by OhHaieThere at 9:10 PM on December 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
I strongly endorse the answer about your local priest, but, depending on where you live, there may also be a funeral services provider for the local Hindu community who can give you practical advice. Worth a google, at least.
posted by praemunire at 9:42 PM on December 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by praemunire at 9:42 PM on December 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh my God I am so sorry. Call the temple.
Hammurderer's got the details on the 1st and 13th day thing but just some assorted hopefully reassuring data points from having participated in a few Marathi Brahmin shraddhas (in India, though):
-- Pujas were conducted in Sanskrit, no expectation of knowing prayers / language / or even pronunciation beforehand. Booklets distributed to key participants (eldest son or daughter).
-- No expectation at all that anyone present knew what was going on or what to do, steady stream of verbal instructions "now pour this oil on this fire, three clockwise circles with your right hand, now pour some water on these flowers..." that kind of thing. Even the very devout family members I asked did not know the significance of specific rituals, just that it was good to do them.
--I also quite secretly suspect these pandits had no expectation of the family's religious belief/faith/consistent practice, either.
-- Pandit brought and arranged all the requisite items
--Not public events AT ALL, 15 close close family members max. *might have had to do with covid though
Your line about your fear of messing up made my heart ache. These questions demonstrate such deep love and care. I have to believe that somehow cosmically, this counts too.
posted by athirstforsalt at 11:33 PM on December 30, 2022 [36 favorites]
Hammurderer's got the details on the 1st and 13th day thing but just some assorted hopefully reassuring data points from having participated in a few Marathi Brahmin shraddhas (in India, though):
-- Pujas were conducted in Sanskrit, no expectation of knowing prayers / language / or even pronunciation beforehand. Booklets distributed to key participants (eldest son or daughter).
-- No expectation at all that anyone present knew what was going on or what to do, steady stream of verbal instructions "now pour this oil on this fire, three clockwise circles with your right hand, now pour some water on these flowers..." that kind of thing. Even the very devout family members I asked did not know the significance of specific rituals, just that it was good to do them.
--I also quite secretly suspect these pandits had no expectation of the family's religious belief/faith/consistent practice, either.
-- Pandit brought and arranged all the requisite items
--Not public events AT ALL, 15 close close family members max. *might have had to do with covid though
Your line about your fear of messing up made my heart ache. These questions demonstrate such deep love and care. I have to believe that somehow cosmically, this counts too.
posted by athirstforsalt at 11:33 PM on December 30, 2022 [36 favorites]
I'd second everyone's advice that the priests will make sure everything happens correctly. That's really their whole reason for existing.
So sorry you are going through this.
I'm betting that talking to your mother about things in a roundabout way is best. India, as I understand, is very much a "guess culture," and so she is going to be taking whatever hints you drop. Does she have any old friends in the area that are part of her cultural community? If so, telling them the whole situation (if you trust them) might be helpful in that they will know the right way to dance around the difficult news in a way that your mother might be wanting to get it.
You are going to do fine!
posted by Senescence at 4:08 AM on December 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
So sorry you are going through this.
I'm betting that talking to your mother about things in a roundabout way is best. India, as I understand, is very much a "guess culture," and so she is going to be taking whatever hints you drop. Does she have any old friends in the area that are part of her cultural community? If so, telling them the whole situation (if you trust them) might be helpful in that they will know the right way to dance around the difficult news in a way that your mother might be wanting to get it.
You are going to do fine!
posted by Senescence at 4:08 AM on December 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am a US-born Hindu, child of Indian parents. My father died several years ago. A few days after his death I wrote, "Tomorrow we'll start going to orphanages and retirement homes to feed people in memory of my dad. That's what he wanted in lieu of the standard prayer rituals" (meaning, doing a puja every day for several days after the death). I remember noting one of the traditional rituals that I think we did not quite do: for several days after the death, each day we'd have left a meal outside for crows to eat. Evidently you simply have to sit nearby and wait and wait for a crow to show up and partake; you can't just leave it and hope.
My experience of pujas in general is nearly identical to athirstforsalt's -- except that if the pandit needs you to bring anything they'll tell you (and it'll be like, "buy 8 coconuts," and you can ask them if they could just do it themselves and you'll reimburse them).
My father was a (partly self-trained, but also widely respected) Hindu priest. He was really unusual in actually translating the shlokas (Sanskrit prayers) into Kannada and/or English and explaining what they meant so that the puja participants actually knew what they were doing and, theologically, why. All the pujas I've participated in, in person, except for ones led by my dad, were like the ones athirstforsalt describes, where the participants do not already know what to do nor understand the specific significance of any particular part of the ritual, but that's ok and the pandit leads you through repeating the Sanskrit and telling you what to do at every step.
I remember that one prayer my dad always had at the end of a puja basically translated as: "God, we are imperfect, so we have probably made mistakes while reciting these mantras and performing these rituals. In spite of this, please ignore our errors and take the spirit of our intention and bless us anyway." Feel free to say that, quietly, in English, at the end of the puja. I hope this offers you some comfort.
By the way, since you will likely need it soon: Here's a free workbook on the logistical stuff you need to do when someone you love dies in the US like dealing with death certificates, accessing their devices and accounts, etc.
posted by brainwane at 4:26 AM on December 31, 2022 [24 favorites]
My experience of pujas in general is nearly identical to athirstforsalt's -- except that if the pandit needs you to bring anything they'll tell you (and it'll be like, "buy 8 coconuts," and you can ask them if they could just do it themselves and you'll reimburse them).
My father was a (partly self-trained, but also widely respected) Hindu priest. He was really unusual in actually translating the shlokas (Sanskrit prayers) into Kannada and/or English and explaining what they meant so that the puja participants actually knew what they were doing and, theologically, why. All the pujas I've participated in, in person, except for ones led by my dad, were like the ones athirstforsalt describes, where the participants do not already know what to do nor understand the specific significance of any particular part of the ritual, but that's ok and the pandit leads you through repeating the Sanskrit and telling you what to do at every step.
I remember that one prayer my dad always had at the end of a puja basically translated as: "God, we are imperfect, so we have probably made mistakes while reciting these mantras and performing these rituals. In spite of this, please ignore our errors and take the spirit of our intention and bless us anyway." Feel free to say that, quietly, in English, at the end of the puja. I hope this offers you some comfort.
By the way, since you will likely need it soon: Here's a free workbook on the logistical stuff you need to do when someone you love dies in the US like dealing with death certificates, accessing their devices and accounts, etc.
posted by brainwane at 4:26 AM on December 31, 2022 [24 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for the input so far and truly kind thoughts.
Just to jump in w/ info. - my mom does not want anyone to know about the cancer and also has a difficult relationship with the community here.
This is all to say, can we assume that speaking to the priest or her friends beforehand is not an option?
(this is me trying to honor her final wishes...)
Basically hoping for more answers/anecdotes about the actual funeral/ritual process. (things I've found online are like, cremation has to happen before sundown the first day, carry the body feet first into the mortuary, etc.)
Thank you all from the bottom of my grieving heart.
posted by KarmicKintsugi at 8:21 AM on December 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just to jump in w/ info. - my mom does not want anyone to know about the cancer and also has a difficult relationship with the community here.
This is all to say, can we assume that speaking to the priest or her friends beforehand is not an option?
(this is me trying to honor her final wishes...)
Basically hoping for more answers/anecdotes about the actual funeral/ritual process. (things I've found online are like, cremation has to happen before sundown the first day, carry the body feet first into the mortuary, etc.)
Thank you all from the bottom of my grieving heart.
posted by KarmicKintsugi at 8:21 AM on December 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry. You are doing such a thoughtful and loving job of caring for your mother. She has two wishes here that may be incompatible: tell no one what is happening until she has actually passed, and perform death rituals properly, including some that have to happen right away and may require the priest to do some advance planning. You may have to decide which of these you think would be more important to her, and allow yourself to let go of the other a bit. if honoring wish A means wish B can't be honored perfectly (or vice versa), I hope you can draw comfort knowing that you made that choice, as best you could, with love.
posted by Ausamor at 8:59 AM on December 31, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 8:59 AM on December 31, 2022 [13 favorites]
Perhaps it would be less fraught to call a priest of her denomination, but in another city? And possibly they could be appropriately compensated to come to your town when it is time?
I'm sorry for your pain and for the difficult position her request for secrecy puts you in. I've been there and it's... a lot.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:47 AM on December 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry for your pain and for the difficult position her request for secrecy puts you in. I've been there and it's... a lot.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:47 AM on December 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
Could you have a friend call the local temple and get the information you need without using your or your mothers name? A friend of mine called me out of the blue once and asked me to make calls getting information for a religious ceremony. I never said who I was calling on behalf of, just got the information, made a few more calls as a go between, and he took over when the situation allowed. Everyone I talked to acted like this was completely normal, and since I was outside his family (and religion entirely) it was acceptable to them.
I’m so sorry your going through this.
posted by lepus at 9:59 AM on December 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
I’m so sorry your going through this.
posted by lepus at 9:59 AM on December 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm also in the awful position of possibly having to be the one to break the news to her that treatment hasn't worked
If it hasn't worked, one of the medical professionals treating your mom breaks the news.
(You provide emotional support -- sitting beside her as she's informed, holding her hand, etc.)
and try to figure out what her goals of care are in this setting
This is a conversation involving the patient, the social worker/nurse/hospice liaison/other pro coordinator, and, ideally, the family member -- from what you've described, multiple talks (in private with you, then again with any hospital staff) would be harder on your mom.
You're a kind person and an excellent daughter, OP.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:08 AM on December 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
If it hasn't worked, one of the medical professionals treating your mom breaks the news.
(You provide emotional support -- sitting beside her as she's informed, holding her hand, etc.)
and try to figure out what her goals of care are in this setting
This is a conversation involving the patient, the social worker/nurse/hospice liaison/other pro coordinator, and, ideally, the family member -- from what you've described, multiple talks (in private with you, then again with any hospital staff) would be harder on your mom.
You're a kind person and an excellent daughter, OP.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:08 AM on December 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
Gently, I want to mention if your mother gave you her priests information, she very likely knows. She's not saying so directly, but it really the one piece of information you need to have to handle her death the way she wants. She wants that priest to handle it. She knows he will do it the way she wants. All you have to do is call, when it is time and you are ready to do so.
You may ask her of she'd like a visit from her local priest, as that might get a way to have her permission to contact him about the situation if she's alert enough to do so.
Im so sorry, you are doing a wonderful job in a tough, tough situation. Take gentle care.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:51 PM on December 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
You may ask her of she'd like a visit from her local priest, as that might get a way to have her permission to contact him about the situation if she's alert enough to do so.
Im so sorry, you are doing a wonderful job in a tough, tough situation. Take gentle care.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:51 PM on December 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
You don't have to tell the priest about your mother's specific medical condition, you can just ask him for help with last rites without needing to go into context. I agree with AlexiaSky in that your mum probably already has an idea, and if nothing else she would want the priest to get engaged in the process. This isn't something you try to wrangle alone.
posted by creatrixtiara at 12:49 AM on January 1, 2023
posted by creatrixtiara at 12:49 AM on January 1, 2023
It sounds like you need to balance the possible against the impossible here and that's so hard in a very, very stressful situation. Your mum a) doesn't want people to know, but b) does want Hindu funeral rights performed. To meet that B goal, you need the guidance of a Hindu priest. You. You need the help so you are prepared to meet your mother's final wishes.
Your needs are not more important than hers but meeting your need for practical support is what will make sure that you can properly meet her needs in death.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:34 PM on January 1, 2023
Your needs are not more important than hers but meeting your need for practical support is what will make sure that you can properly meet her needs in death.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:34 PM on January 1, 2023
(also I can somewhat relate - I'm in a similar boat with South Asian Muslim parents who are both ill and who both have very contradicting wishes that change on a dime. There's no way to keep up 100%. At some point you just have to do what's practical and possible even if it's not totally ideal. Which is the bigger kindness, keeping things totally secret even to your detriment, or getting the care your mum wanted even if it means someone else has to know?)
posted by creatrixtiara at 5:56 PM on January 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by creatrixtiara at 5:56 PM on January 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi all,
Thank you for all of your comments - pretty much all of them, especially the ones about my taking care of her, made me cry. It never feels like you're doing enough for loved ones in this situation, you know?
I don't know what my mom knows or wants to know. She's been delirious the last few days but a few times would cry out that she was dying or that "they're killing me." The comments that she is dying were ones of desperation - she does not want to go, but the cancer wants to take her.
In the last few days, an oncologist who (can only be described as cruel at this point) told me we could try one last shot at chemo. He said she's dying anyways, why not try? This was after 3 oncologists said they would absolutely not do this given my mother's liver. The chemo would not be metabolized, but would just hang out in her system, killing everything else. The hospitalist and palliative doc that I mentioned this "plan" to were horrified.
My plan was inpatient hospice to stabilize symptoms and optimize pain control while I set up home help, and then home hospice. This oncologist asshole also told me that if I chose inpt, she would die in a few days because they just keep pressing the morphine button. That it's "essentially euthanasia." He kept saying this after I insisted it's just to stabilize her symptoms. I feel I'm being punished for our lack of family or support and that I'm killing my mom because I can't handle her coming straight home.
So, even before the process of death, I feel traumatized. I hope she goes quickly, even though that feels cruel to write. Thanks all for your support.
posted by KarmicKintsugi at 12:47 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Thank you for all of your comments - pretty much all of them, especially the ones about my taking care of her, made me cry. It never feels like you're doing enough for loved ones in this situation, you know?
I don't know what my mom knows or wants to know. She's been delirious the last few days but a few times would cry out that she was dying or that "they're killing me." The comments that she is dying were ones of desperation - she does not want to go, but the cancer wants to take her.
In the last few days, an oncologist who (can only be described as cruel at this point) told me we could try one last shot at chemo. He said she's dying anyways, why not try? This was after 3 oncologists said they would absolutely not do this given my mother's liver. The chemo would not be metabolized, but would just hang out in her system, killing everything else. The hospitalist and palliative doc that I mentioned this "plan" to were horrified.
My plan was inpatient hospice to stabilize symptoms and optimize pain control while I set up home help, and then home hospice. This oncologist asshole also told me that if I chose inpt, she would die in a few days because they just keep pressing the morphine button. That it's "essentially euthanasia." He kept saying this after I insisted it's just to stabilize her symptoms. I feel I'm being punished for our lack of family or support and that I'm killing my mom because I can't handle her coming straight home.
So, even before the process of death, I feel traumatized. I hope she goes quickly, even though that feels cruel to write. Thanks all for your support.
posted by KarmicKintsugi at 12:47 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
You are doing your best to take care of her. It's the same that I would do. Fuck that one asshole doctor -- is he going to come home with you to take care of her? She's got better care in the hospital especially at this point in her diagnosis. Morphine to help ease your mom's pain sounds kindest to me; it's what I'd want if I were in her place. If it's "essentially euthanasia," then why have other doctors approved of it? Versus the prolonged suffered of more chemo that is guaranteed to fail and also be excruciating? Again, fuck him. I'm sorry. The good news is that you have three kind oncologists on your side.
You are respecting your mom's wishes not to involve members of her community. I feel strongly you made the right choice there even if it's harder on you. I'm so sorry it's happening so quickly. It's not cruel to wish someone a swift death if they are in pain. We can't always save lives but we can limit suffering, and that's a beautiful part of modern medicine.
Lots and lots of love to you and your mom!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:53 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
You are respecting your mom's wishes not to involve members of her community. I feel strongly you made the right choice there even if it's harder on you. I'm so sorry it's happening so quickly. It's not cruel to wish someone a swift death if they are in pain. We can't always save lives but we can limit suffering, and that's a beautiful part of modern medicine.
Lots and lots of love to you and your mom!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:53 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Im sorry I'm spitting mad. Call patient guest relations/patient advocate (hospitals call this role something different at every one I've ever been to) even the catholic chaplain if you must but let them know and request this asshole of an oncologist removed from your team. Literally. That is horrific treatment and he should be fired. Just repeat, 'I don't care what you do but I do not want him involved in my mother's care.' Praise the rest of the team if you want but its not neccessary. If you want me to make this phone call for you go give me the names and the hospital and I will one hundred percent. I will write letters. If you want me to use the hospital grievance form I will personally hunt it down and write the letter myself and hand it back to you with your name on it. All end of life conversations should be held with grace dignity and respect of the family members and the dying. Every single one.
Nobody in the medical field should be talking about hospice like that, especially when you are needing to make serious informed choices about your mother's care. This is traumatic enough without having some rouge asshole oncologist talking about your plan of care like that.
Anyway, mail is open, and I will 100 percent give you my phone number, make calls with you, get this off your plate. Many hugs and love and im so so sorry. You are doing a great job. Sometimes there options that are realistic are imperfect, but they are your options and you get to choose from them and it's okay. It is not you're fault. You are doing the best you can and its enough.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:46 PM on January 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
Nobody in the medical field should be talking about hospice like that, especially when you are needing to make serious informed choices about your mother's care. This is traumatic enough without having some rouge asshole oncologist talking about your plan of care like that.
Anyway, mail is open, and I will 100 percent give you my phone number, make calls with you, get this off your plate. Many hugs and love and im so so sorry. You are doing a great job. Sometimes there options that are realistic are imperfect, but they are your options and you get to choose from them and it's okay. It is not you're fault. You are doing the best you can and its enough.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:46 PM on January 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi all,
My mom passed away one week ago. She had been un/minimally responsive for a few days, but I was by her side and holding her hand as she took her last breath at the hospice. My very good friends flew in and were with us, and I have to believe my mom felt ok passing when she did bc she knew I had support. I am processing the excruciating rapidity of her decline and all the attendant feelings - guilt, grief, self doubt. It's probably not obvious from my questions, but I am actually in the medical field myself so the first several weeks of her admission was me fighting decisions that I felt were not appropriate or standard of care (they wanted to discharge us after 2 days despite the fact that her liver was failing and she could barely walk...) and trying to advocate for her. I tried to be as present with the situation as I could despite the rollercoaster (and I will definitely be making a complaint about that oncologist, thank you for your fervor on that @AlexiaSky) We had a complicated relationship, but I hope she felt how much I loved her in the last few weeks of her life.
Dealing with the aftermath of her death, I have learned some things about Hindu rituals and funeral rites in the meantime that I wanted to add here if anyone looks for this info in the future:
- Apparently, women cannot perform the last rites, at least in Telugu culture. This was a huge blow as I am her only child and family here. I have feelings about not being able to perform the puja but given her devoutness and how unyielding the (very kind) priest was about this, I will go with the tradition.
- This again is probably particular to our region of India, but I had to find a new sari to have the funeral home place on her. Thankfully she had one. The jacket and other things don't have to be new, but the sari does. The color apparently doesn't matter. The one I found was in her favorite colors, and that makes me glad.
- Other things that go into the casket for cremation: packets of black beads, turmeric, red turmeric (the kind you use to make bindis,) and rice mixed with bellum/jaggery
- You cannot burn jewelry (according apparently to custom but also the funeral home.) She will have a yellow (turmeric) thread around her neck, and some glass bangles. I smiled because the bangles I found were the exact color of her sari pallu, which felt serendipitous. Having a bindi on her is also important.
- There seems to be no real consensus about flowers/garlands. One purveyor said red and yellow button roses were the norm for funerals. She really liked mums so I got her those, too. The funeral puja seems to involve a lot of flowers, and my mom loved flowers, so she is getting a ton of flowers.
- Hinduism, like many other religions, has its own calendar. Certain days are more auspicious than others, and this matters for the date of death, as well (and is related to principles of karma, etc.) Apparently the day she passed, 1/6, was one of the most auspicious days to come around in a long time. If she had to go, then I am incredibly happy for her that it happened on this day, given how religious she was.
Hopefully some of this is helpful to others in the future. I again want to thank everyone who took the time to comment and update. I am grateful to all of you for your thoughtfulness and kindness.
posted by KarmicKintsugi at 11:34 AM on January 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
My mom passed away one week ago. She had been un/minimally responsive for a few days, but I was by her side and holding her hand as she took her last breath at the hospice. My very good friends flew in and were with us, and I have to believe my mom felt ok passing when she did bc she knew I had support. I am processing the excruciating rapidity of her decline and all the attendant feelings - guilt, grief, self doubt. It's probably not obvious from my questions, but I am actually in the medical field myself so the first several weeks of her admission was me fighting decisions that I felt were not appropriate or standard of care (they wanted to discharge us after 2 days despite the fact that her liver was failing and she could barely walk...) and trying to advocate for her. I tried to be as present with the situation as I could despite the rollercoaster (and I will definitely be making a complaint about that oncologist, thank you for your fervor on that @AlexiaSky) We had a complicated relationship, but I hope she felt how much I loved her in the last few weeks of her life.
Dealing with the aftermath of her death, I have learned some things about Hindu rituals and funeral rites in the meantime that I wanted to add here if anyone looks for this info in the future:
- Apparently, women cannot perform the last rites, at least in Telugu culture. This was a huge blow as I am her only child and family here. I have feelings about not being able to perform the puja but given her devoutness and how unyielding the (very kind) priest was about this, I will go with the tradition.
- This again is probably particular to our region of India, but I had to find a new sari to have the funeral home place on her. Thankfully she had one. The jacket and other things don't have to be new, but the sari does. The color apparently doesn't matter. The one I found was in her favorite colors, and that makes me glad.
- Other things that go into the casket for cremation: packets of black beads, turmeric, red turmeric (the kind you use to make bindis,) and rice mixed with bellum/jaggery
- You cannot burn jewelry (according apparently to custom but also the funeral home.) She will have a yellow (turmeric) thread around her neck, and some glass bangles. I smiled because the bangles I found were the exact color of her sari pallu, which felt serendipitous. Having a bindi on her is also important.
- There seems to be no real consensus about flowers/garlands. One purveyor said red and yellow button roses were the norm for funerals. She really liked mums so I got her those, too. The funeral puja seems to involve a lot of flowers, and my mom loved flowers, so she is getting a ton of flowers.
- Hinduism, like many other religions, has its own calendar. Certain days are more auspicious than others, and this matters for the date of death, as well (and is related to principles of karma, etc.) Apparently the day she passed, 1/6, was one of the most auspicious days to come around in a long time. If she had to go, then I am incredibly happy for her that it happened on this day, given how religious she was.
Hopefully some of this is helpful to others in the future. I again want to thank everyone who took the time to comment and update. I am grateful to all of you for your thoughtfulness and kindness.
posted by KarmicKintsugi at 11:34 AM on January 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
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posted by AlexiaSky at 7:46 PM on December 30, 2022 [35 favorites]