Can I skip this funeral?
December 25, 2022 5:23 PM Subscribe
An aunt of mine is dying, probably in the next few days. Jewish Tradition means there will be a funeral pretty soon after she dies, followed by seven days of Shiva. I'm not sure whether I want to go to the funeral/shiva, I feel a bit obliged to, but don't really feel like I want to. Looking for suggestions
She, her husband (my dad's brother, who survives her) and her kids are all people I was pretty close with when I was a kid. But we aren't at all close now. I've seen my uncle maybe a half dozen times in the past 20 years. I've seen her daughters maybe twice in the past twenty years. I have loving feelings for all these people. but they don't feel like a big part of my life.
They live in another city, not super-far but would need to take a plane there and back, probably very expensive at last-minute.
My dad and mom live the same city as me. They would normally attend, but are just recovering from recent covid cases. I think they probably expect me to go - our family is one where people usually go to this sort of stuff.
Thing is: I just don't really feel like I want to go. It's a lot of hassle and expense and will keep me from doing things with my time that I really *do* want to do. I think they'd be glad if I went, but I also think there will be tons of other people there, and, while I feel guilty saying it, the amount of extra pleasure/comfort they'd get from having me there doesn't seem worth the time/expense/hassle for me.
I think if my mom died- if my cousins came, I'd be happy to see them, but wouldn't be sad if I didn't. Their presence or absence wouldn't make a huge difference in my grieving process. I think my dad would feel the same way.
I worry a bit that I might be letting my parents down; They might want me to go as their emisary given that they can't go...
I wonder if there is some other way to help my uncle and cousins feel loved and supported that doesn't involve as much negative impact on me?
Any advice much appreciated.
She, her husband (my dad's brother, who survives her) and her kids are all people I was pretty close with when I was a kid. But we aren't at all close now. I've seen my uncle maybe a half dozen times in the past 20 years. I've seen her daughters maybe twice in the past twenty years. I have loving feelings for all these people. but they don't feel like a big part of my life.
They live in another city, not super-far but would need to take a plane there and back, probably very expensive at last-minute.
My dad and mom live the same city as me. They would normally attend, but are just recovering from recent covid cases. I think they probably expect me to go - our family is one where people usually go to this sort of stuff.
Thing is: I just don't really feel like I want to go. It's a lot of hassle and expense and will keep me from doing things with my time that I really *do* want to do. I think they'd be glad if I went, but I also think there will be tons of other people there, and, while I feel guilty saying it, the amount of extra pleasure/comfort they'd get from having me there doesn't seem worth the time/expense/hassle for me.
I think if my mom died- if my cousins came, I'd be happy to see them, but wouldn't be sad if I didn't. Their presence or absence wouldn't make a huge difference in my grieving process. I think my dad would feel the same way.
I worry a bit that I might be letting my parents down; They might want me to go as their emisary given that they can't go...
I wonder if there is some other way to help my uncle and cousins feel loved and supported that doesn't involve as much negative impact on me?
Any advice much appreciated.
"I think if my mom died- if my cousins came, I'd be happy to see them, but wouldn't be sad if I didn't. Their presence or absence wouldn't make a huge difference in my grieving process. I think my dad would feel the same way."
I'm not so sure you'd actually feel this way when the time comes. If everyone subscribed to this philosophy, there would be an empty room. Go.
posted by pando11 at 5:45 PM on December 25, 2022 [30 favorites]
I'm not so sure you'd actually feel this way when the time comes. If everyone subscribed to this philosophy, there would be an empty room. Go.
posted by pando11 at 5:45 PM on December 25, 2022 [30 favorites]
When you have an ethical choice between and easy option and a hard option, the hard option is always correct.
posted by mono blanco at 5:49 PM on December 25, 2022 [22 favorites]
posted by mono blanco at 5:49 PM on December 25, 2022 [22 favorites]
Always go to the funeral. If you have the means to do so, do it. Especially for family that you would like to remain in touch with.
I’m missing one because of this storm, and even though it’s for an elderly aunt who lived a great life, and it would have been more for my mother, it’s bitter sweet that I won’t be able to make it. I’ve recalled the friends and family who showed up to deaths in my immediate family and appreciated it tremendously, even if I only saw them for a moment, they cared, they flew in and it meant a ton in my grief.
I’ve also been to funerals where others expected it would be busy so didn’t go, and wooo boy it’s a vibe to be only one of 5 people at a funeral.
posted by larthegreat at 5:51 PM on December 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
I’m missing one because of this storm, and even though it’s for an elderly aunt who lived a great life, and it would have been more for my mother, it’s bitter sweet that I won’t be able to make it. I’ve recalled the friends and family who showed up to deaths in my immediate family and appreciated it tremendously, even if I only saw them for a moment, they cared, they flew in and it meant a ton in my grief.
I’ve also been to funerals where others expected it would be busy so didn’t go, and wooo boy it’s a vibe to be only one of 5 people at a funeral.
posted by larthegreat at 5:51 PM on December 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
No one wants to go to a funeral, but it's a thing we sometimes do because it's important to us to be part of a family and/or a community where people support each other in difficult times, even when it's not convenient or easy or cheap. That doesn't mean you have to do it - that may not be a value you personally have related to what you owe your community, or maybe your extended biological family isn't a community you really feel a pull to be part of outside of wanting to please your parents. But I think it's worth thinking about in those terms, rather than what a hassle it would be. Is this a community you want to maintain ties to, and is this a kind of support you feel is important for community members to provide to each other?
(How you currently feel about plane travel and large in-person gatherings at this point in a still-ongoing pandemic is worth considering too, but since you didn't mention it, I'll assume here that it's not a significant part of your thinking.)
posted by Stacey at 5:58 PM on December 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
(How you currently feel about plane travel and large in-person gatherings at this point in a still-ongoing pandemic is worth considering too, but since you didn't mention it, I'll assume here that it's not a significant part of your thinking.)
posted by Stacey at 5:58 PM on December 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
I can tell you that it meant the world to me that some of my cousins were able to come to my stepdad's funeral. We were close as teens, but probably haven't seen each other much in as long time. But when I was grieving, they were there. (And not all of them, but I cherish those who flew for hours to be there for us.)
Yes, it's a lot to ask. And there are times when we say, sure, skip the funeral. Those are usually times when people talk about acrimonious relationships or how triggering seeing specific people would be. That you'd rather do something else feels slight as a reason.
posted by blueberry monster at 6:00 PM on December 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
Yes, it's a lot to ask. And there are times when we say, sure, skip the funeral. Those are usually times when people talk about acrimonious relationships or how triggering seeing specific people would be. That you'd rather do something else feels slight as a reason.
posted by blueberry monster at 6:00 PM on December 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
I missed three family funerals because of the pandemic and I do regret not being able to be there for my living relatives. The pandemic absolved me of external guilt but internally I do wish I could have gone. I did attend virtual shiva for two of them, and that helped. The goofiness of my older relatives not being in-shot for all the standing and davening and trying to figure out zoom through grief was a way to quietly be there and acknowledge our human foibles, which I liked.
Of course, everyone is different. You seem to have gotten a solid wall of “go to the funeral” answers, and I don’t know that that’s always the right answer for everyone. Because Jewish funerals are often so last minute, it’s pretty common for out of town folks to miss them these days. I think the funeral obligation is a little stronger for faithful Christians and other traditions that are more comfortable with holding a body for a while before post-mortem processing. Could you miss the funeral but come by at the end of the first week of shiva, when most people will have moved on, and support your family then? Would it be okay to zip in and out for the funeral and attend shiva virtually?
I don’t think you must go to the funeral, but you can’t pretend it’s not happening. Don’t post fun ski trip pictures to the family group chat, you know? Ask your dad what he thinks is the right thing to do. Maybe it is really important to him that you be a family emissary of sorts. Maybe your dad needs help supporting his brother. It’s hard to know who is going to be there when you experience a loss and it’s a very good feeling when you can be one of those people who steps up, so I don’t know that it will be as much of a burden as you’re envisioning. But we are just internet strangers; maybe there’s a lot more here you didn’t include.
posted by Mizu at 6:14 PM on December 25, 2022 [16 favorites]
Of course, everyone is different. You seem to have gotten a solid wall of “go to the funeral” answers, and I don’t know that that’s always the right answer for everyone. Because Jewish funerals are often so last minute, it’s pretty common for out of town folks to miss them these days. I think the funeral obligation is a little stronger for faithful Christians and other traditions that are more comfortable with holding a body for a while before post-mortem processing. Could you miss the funeral but come by at the end of the first week of shiva, when most people will have moved on, and support your family then? Would it be okay to zip in and out for the funeral and attend shiva virtually?
I don’t think you must go to the funeral, but you can’t pretend it’s not happening. Don’t post fun ski trip pictures to the family group chat, you know? Ask your dad what he thinks is the right thing to do. Maybe it is really important to him that you be a family emissary of sorts. Maybe your dad needs help supporting his brother. It’s hard to know who is going to be there when you experience a loss and it’s a very good feeling when you can be one of those people who steps up, so I don’t know that it will be as much of a burden as you’re envisioning. But we are just internet strangers; maybe there’s a lot more here you didn’t include.
posted by Mizu at 6:14 PM on December 25, 2022 [16 favorites]
It’s understandable that you don’t want to go and I obviously don’t know anything about your relationship. But I think it’s certainly a good deed if you can swing it.
My father is socially anxious and hates flying but he flew out to attend my father-in-law’s funeral. He didn’t have to be there but it impressed upon me how just being there for people is meaningful - not saying or doing something profound but just being there. It made me think that I want to make more of an effort to Be There for the people and causes that are important to me.
Similarly when a loved one died, I was surprised that 20+ of their colleagues came to the funeral. Going likely meant taking time off from work and I don’t think this person was especially close to any of their colleagues. But their presence made an impact. It reinforced that this person’s life was important , and that all of our lives are important. Sure, that would have been true if no one showed up but it was comforting and life-affirming to see.
Again, I recognize that I don’t know anything about your family beyond what you have shared here but based on that, I’d encourage you to go to the funeral if you can.
posted by kat518 at 6:23 PM on December 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
My father is socially anxious and hates flying but he flew out to attend my father-in-law’s funeral. He didn’t have to be there but it impressed upon me how just being there for people is meaningful - not saying or doing something profound but just being there. It made me think that I want to make more of an effort to Be There for the people and causes that are important to me.
Similarly when a loved one died, I was surprised that 20+ of their colleagues came to the funeral. Going likely meant taking time off from work and I don’t think this person was especially close to any of their colleagues. But their presence made an impact. It reinforced that this person’s life was important , and that all of our lives are important. Sure, that would have been true if no one showed up but it was comforting and life-affirming to see.
Again, I recognize that I don’t know anything about your family beyond what you have shared here but based on that, I’d encourage you to go to the funeral if you can.
posted by kat518 at 6:23 PM on December 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
the amount of extra pleasure/comfort they'd get from having me there doesn't seem worth the time/expense/hassle for me.
I think if you don’t go, it’s okay. Like, there’s no tally on these things.
But, I question your equation here. There are things we do because doing them brings meaning. It’s not transactional. It’s not a weight on the scale. It’s because how we grieve and how we celebrate life are rituals that humans do and have done a long time. Taking time, inconveniently, to honour a life ended is not something that is designed to make sense in a weighing of happiness. It’s what we do because we can’t stop death. Due to a weird set of circumstances, I had a bunch of people at my daughter’s funeral I didn’t even know - but many of whom had lost children or siblings. It didn’t really penetrate at the time, but later, alone, I felt the humanness of it…that I could bear loss, because…humans do. So we kind of show up just to - be.
Anyways, I guess I’m adding to the chorus that if you can go, maybe go. But if you really can’t, others will have gone this time.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:41 PM on December 25, 2022 [27 favorites]
I think if you don’t go, it’s okay. Like, there’s no tally on these things.
But, I question your equation here. There are things we do because doing them brings meaning. It’s not transactional. It’s not a weight on the scale. It’s because how we grieve and how we celebrate life are rituals that humans do and have done a long time. Taking time, inconveniently, to honour a life ended is not something that is designed to make sense in a weighing of happiness. It’s what we do because we can’t stop death. Due to a weird set of circumstances, I had a bunch of people at my daughter’s funeral I didn’t even know - but many of whom had lost children or siblings. It didn’t really penetrate at the time, but later, alone, I felt the humanness of it…that I could bear loss, because…humans do. So we kind of show up just to - be.
Anyways, I guess I’m adding to the chorus that if you can go, maybe go. But if you really can’t, others will have gone this time.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:41 PM on December 25, 2022 [27 favorites]
NOBODY wants to go to a funeral. But it really will be important to the family if you can make it. To add one more anecdote, when my mom died it really meant a lot to me that people came to the memorial gathering. I didn't think I would care, but seeing all these people who loved my mom enough to take time out of their schedules to celebrate and mourn was surprisingly helpful.
As a general guideline, when in doubt ALWAYS go to the funeral.
posted by nixxon at 6:41 PM on December 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
As a general guideline, when in doubt ALWAYS go to the funeral.
posted by nixxon at 6:41 PM on December 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks! This gives me a lot to think about.
A response to the variations of "No one wants to go to a funeral": I dunno. There have been plenty of funerals I've chosen to go to. There have been a few that I've flown out of town for - for the loved ones of close friends whose friendship is important to me. I was happy to do those, even though it was inconvenient and costly. So, sometimes I *do* want to go. Just not so sure I want to go this time.
posted by PersonPerson at 6:55 PM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
A response to the variations of "No one wants to go to a funeral": I dunno. There have been plenty of funerals I've chosen to go to. There have been a few that I've flown out of town for - for the loved ones of close friends whose friendship is important to me. I was happy to do those, even though it was inconvenient and costly. So, sometimes I *do* want to go. Just not so sure I want to go this time.
posted by PersonPerson at 6:55 PM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone who is saying that you should go. I lost my brother in July and I remember who came, who didn't, and those who didn't bother to reach out at all.
BUT! If you are deadset against going...
I suggest you inquire about if the reception and/or funeral will be streamed online, thereby demonstrating interest and communicating that though you won't be there in person, you will be watching from afar if possible.
posted by Stuka at 7:17 PM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
BUT! If you are deadset against going...
I suggest you inquire about if the reception and/or funeral will be streamed online, thereby demonstrating interest and communicating that though you won't be there in person, you will be watching from afar if possible.
posted by Stuka at 7:17 PM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Honestly, if it weren’t for the mom-and-dad-can’t-go factor, my inclination would be to buck the trend of these responses and say it sounds fine not to go based on what you’ve described. But because of that factor, it feels like it might be important for you to go specifically to support/represent your parents, whom you are presumably close to even if you’re not close to the deceased and immediate bereaved.
posted by staggernation at 7:40 PM on December 25, 2022 [30 favorites]
posted by staggernation at 7:40 PM on December 25, 2022 [30 favorites]
A while back, I was in a similar situation. My uncle passed away suddenly. I wasn't able to take off work for it, and I also would have had to fly across the country to do so.
I took the funeral info that was given to me, and left a message of condolences at the funeral home, for my aunt and cousin. I also wrote a heartfelt memory of my uncle, on the funeral's Obituary page for him, for others to read.
I talked to my Aunt later, and she said that those messages and posts were valuable to her. Maybe you can do something similar, if you cannot go in person?
posted by spinifex23 at 7:51 PM on December 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
I took the funeral info that was given to me, and left a message of condolences at the funeral home, for my aunt and cousin. I also wrote a heartfelt memory of my uncle, on the funeral's Obituary page for him, for others to read.
I talked to my Aunt later, and she said that those messages and posts were valuable to her. Maybe you can do something similar, if you cannot go in person?
posted by spinifex23 at 7:51 PM on December 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
the amount of extra pleasure/comfort they'd get from having me there doesn't seem worth the time/expense/hassle for me.
Going isn’t about pleasure or comfort. Going is about respect. Respect for the deceased and respect for family.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:53 PM on December 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
Going isn’t about pleasure or comfort. Going is about respect. Respect for the deceased and respect for family.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:53 PM on December 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
if you don't go, you have to send a condolence letter. I mean not a fake pre-printed card with just your signature on it, it can be written on a condolence card if you don't have stationery but it has to be real.
doesn't have to be terrifically long, but it must be at least as long as this question you wrote.
if you didn't have to take a plane to get there it would be shameful not to go. but under the circumstances, I think it is ok not to go as long as you make sure the bereaved relatives know you are thinking of them, now and in the weeks to come. and if they hold it against you, you can't hold that against them.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:54 PM on December 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
doesn't have to be terrifically long, but it must be at least as long as this question you wrote.
if you didn't have to take a plane to get there it would be shameful not to go. but under the circumstances, I think it is ok not to go as long as you make sure the bereaved relatives know you are thinking of them, now and in the weeks to come. and if they hold it against you, you can't hold that against them.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:54 PM on December 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
I remember which of my cousins was at my mother's funeral. Some of them I've never been in contact with since, or before. It was still important to me that they were there.
I also have an autoimmune disorder and wouldn't gather with people indoors now, because it would be dangerous to me. I'd hope my family would understand.
Both of those things are important.
posted by lapis at 8:02 PM on December 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
I also have an autoimmune disorder and wouldn't gather with people indoors now, because it would be dangerous to me. I'd hope my family would understand.
Both of those things are important.
posted by lapis at 8:02 PM on December 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
You have my permission to skip the funeral, internet stranger. Send a thoughtful note and try to make arrangements to see your living relatives when it is affordable and convenient for everyone, including your parents, cousins, and uncle, when you will actually be able to catch up and reminisce. Visit your family when they are alive because you want to, not because they are dead.
Sincerely, an atheist heathen
posted by DEiBnL13 at 8:07 PM on December 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
Sincerely, an atheist heathen
posted by DEiBnL13 at 8:07 PM on December 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
also - the attendees at my mother's memorial service whose attendance meant the very most to me were the people who hadn't seen her for thirty years and more, who I never thought to call and who showed up because they saw the announcement in the paper. these people were some of the most broken up about it. all their memories and affection were well out of date. that meant more, not less.
of the people who could have come but chose not to, because it was an inconvenience, one I have always liked very much and him I was deeply disappointed in; once I got over it, I never could feel quite the same about him, but I do still like him. I'll still show up for his funeral, shall we say. the other one, who I had no special biases inclining me to make allowances for her, when the time comes I wouldn't piss on her grave if it was on fire.
now how did I know that the reason they chose not to come was convenience pure and simple? well, word gets around. in families, particularly, word gets around. bear that in mind.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:09 PM on December 25, 2022 [16 favorites]
of the people who could have come but chose not to, because it was an inconvenience, one I have always liked very much and him I was deeply disappointed in; once I got over it, I never could feel quite the same about him, but I do still like him. I'll still show up for his funeral, shall we say. the other one, who I had no special biases inclining me to make allowances for her, when the time comes I wouldn't piss on her grave if it was on fire.
now how did I know that the reason they chose not to come was convenience pure and simple? well, word gets around. in families, particularly, word gets around. bear that in mind.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:09 PM on December 25, 2022 [16 favorites]
A year ago I had two Big Family Things happen in the same week:
1. One cousin got married. It was a wedding that was supposed to happen in May of 2020, but they postponed it because of Covid and now it was finally happening over a year later in 2021.
2. Another cousin's memorial service took place. He'd had an accidental death last February.
These events were on totally opposite sides of the country from each other so there was no way I could do both.
....I chose the memorial. For various reasons. But one of the bigger ones was - the people celebrating a wedding are on a high, they're happy and excited and feeling good, but the people at a memorial are at a low point - they're vulnerable and need support.
I wanted to be at the wedding, but I needed to be at the funeral.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 PM on December 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
1. One cousin got married. It was a wedding that was supposed to happen in May of 2020, but they postponed it because of Covid and now it was finally happening over a year later in 2021.
2. Another cousin's memorial service took place. He'd had an accidental death last February.
These events were on totally opposite sides of the country from each other so there was no way I could do both.
....I chose the memorial. For various reasons. But one of the bigger ones was - the people celebrating a wedding are on a high, they're happy and excited and feeling good, but the people at a memorial are at a low point - they're vulnerable and need support.
I wanted to be at the wedding, but I needed to be at the funeral.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 PM on December 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
Funerals are for the living, and you are among the living.
You do not have to go.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:45 PM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
You do not have to go.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:45 PM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I didn’t have high expectations for my dad’s funeral. He and my mom retired to this fairly out of the way place far from his family, and my mom didn’t want a church funeral so this extremely Catholic man from an extremely Catholic family was bid farewell in a somewhat incongruous way. Most of that far-flung, extremely Catholic family showed anyway, though, and I was surprised how much that meant to me in the moment.
posted by eirias at 8:50 PM on December 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by eirias at 8:50 PM on December 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you decide not to go, just know that the slight of not attending may be held against you for the rest of your days, and be prepared for it to be brought up again and again as a grievance. How do I know this is a possibility? I've seen it happen in my own extended family where a certain cousin didn't bother showing up for a family (cousin) funeral. Boy or boy, is that a hot-button topic full of hurt and resentment--one that was brought up again just this weekend. Expect that response to be doubled if nobody from your family shows up. It's understandable if your parents can't go for health reasons, but if you don't represent your part of the family, tongues are likely to start wagging and never quit.
I'm not telling you to go. I'm just saying be prepared for fallout if you don't. If you're comfortable enough with yourself to live with that type of reputation in the family that's fine. If it would bother you, then I'd consider going.
I'll also add that I'm not close with my cousins--I haven't seen most of them for years and years. One of them even said, "I'm surprised to see you here" when I showed up for my aunt's funeral, and then she quickly followed it up with "but I'm so happy you came." It was important that family was around because no matter how much strife had occurred in the past, we're all still family and being family, that meant we were all there to help. At a funeral, it's amazing how much it helps to have family members greet mourners, answer questions, play traffic cop (bring people to the immediate family members or drag immediate family members away from pushy mourners when they're being overwhelmed), etc.
posted by sardonyx at 9:00 PM on December 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm not telling you to go. I'm just saying be prepared for fallout if you don't. If you're comfortable enough with yourself to live with that type of reputation in the family that's fine. If it would bother you, then I'd consider going.
I'll also add that I'm not close with my cousins--I haven't seen most of them for years and years. One of them even said, "I'm surprised to see you here" when I showed up for my aunt's funeral, and then she quickly followed it up with "but I'm so happy you came." It was important that family was around because no matter how much strife had occurred in the past, we're all still family and being family, that meant we were all there to help. At a funeral, it's amazing how much it helps to have family members greet mourners, answer questions, play traffic cop (bring people to the immediate family members or drag immediate family members away from pushy mourners when they're being overwhelmed), etc.
posted by sardonyx at 9:00 PM on December 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I couldn't go to my uncle's funeral due to the pandemic and I felt terrible about it. While I don't look forward to funerals per se, I've been to enough to know that being in community to remember someone we all knew is worth some effort to me. I sent a huge floral arrangement instead and I still feel rotten about it.
And yes, missing a milestone can absolutely change relationships. Not only do they possibly change how they see you, but you may avoid them out of shame. I skipped a wedding once for stupid last minute reasons and I'm still so awkward around the couple, almost a decade later. And missing a funeral is so much worse than missing a wedding. Weddings are fun.
If you don't want to go, are you comfortable with calling them up and telling them that you can't afford to come and your parents can't afford to send you, or that you're sick with something very contagious? Because the hardship excuse and the health excuse are the only ones that really hold water for most people. This is literally a once in a lifetime event.
posted by potrzebie at 9:16 PM on December 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
And yes, missing a milestone can absolutely change relationships. Not only do they possibly change how they see you, but you may avoid them out of shame. I skipped a wedding once for stupid last minute reasons and I'm still so awkward around the couple, almost a decade later. And missing a funeral is so much worse than missing a wedding. Weddings are fun.
If you don't want to go, are you comfortable with calling them up and telling them that you can't afford to come and your parents can't afford to send you, or that you're sick with something very contagious? Because the hardship excuse and the health excuse are the only ones that really hold water for most people. This is literally a once in a lifetime event.
posted by potrzebie at 9:16 PM on December 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
Please go if you can, especially because your parents can't. Unfortunately, there's a time in life when many of us only see our cousins and other scattered family and friends at funerals. This can feel pretty shallow, almost fake; but it keeps those connections going, which has value in and of itself.
You never know when you'll need to pull together for something (sorting out an estate; care of another family member; all sorts of unanticipated situations), and it's easier if you've occasionally been doing it all along.
Your showing up says that you're a person who shows up.
posted by inexorably_forward at 9:43 PM on December 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
You never know when you'll need to pull together for something (sorting out an estate; care of another family member; all sorts of unanticipated situations), and it's easier if you've occasionally been doing it all along.
Your showing up says that you're a person who shows up.
posted by inexorably_forward at 9:43 PM on December 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
For me, it meant something special to see people make a special, unexpected effort to show up at funeral for a close relative (I experienced several of these over the years). Even if I didn't have much contact with them, it was still meaningful for me to know they were there.
Still, if you choose not to go, there are other ways you can make a significant gesture of support. More specifically, I would recommend (1) sending a food basket for the family - either for dinner or for people attending the shiva minyanim. With the money you are saving on air fare, you can afford to do something generous here and (2) send a letter of condolence with specific memories or appreciation of your aunt - even simple stories demonstrate that her life had an impact on you, it is a comfort for the mourners to know that others remember their loved one too. Of the two, the letter is more important but doing both would send a message of care.
posted by metahawk at 10:15 PM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
Still, if you choose not to go, there are other ways you can make a significant gesture of support. More specifically, I would recommend (1) sending a food basket for the family - either for dinner or for people attending the shiva minyanim. With the money you are saving on air fare, you can afford to do something generous here and (2) send a letter of condolence with specific memories or appreciation of your aunt - even simple stories demonstrate that her life had an impact on you, it is a comfort for the mourners to know that others remember their loved one too. Of the two, the letter is more important but doing both would send a message of care.
posted by metahawk at 10:15 PM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I went to the funeral of a close relative who was a pretty stinky individual on many levels and it led to me reconnecting with another side of the family and learning a lot that shed light on the stinky relative. So while I didn't feel much like honoring this person, I'm glad I went.
Of course that is just my experience, but just something to think about.
posted by brookeb at 10:28 PM on December 25, 2022
Of course that is just my experience, but just something to think about.
posted by brookeb at 10:28 PM on December 25, 2022
I'm not sure whether I want to go to the funeral/shiva, I feel a bit obliged to, but don't really feel like I want to.
I've only ever gone to funerals for people with whom I and/or members of my household had close personal relationships.
I would not get on a plane to go to a funeral for the partner of somebody whose only real and ongoing relationship with me was genetic.
I just don't really feel like I want to go. It's a lot of hassle and expense and will keep me from doing things with my time that I really *do* want to do. I think they'd be glad if I went, but I also think there will be tons of other people there, and, while I feel guilty saying it, the amount of extra pleasure/comfort they'd get from having me there doesn't seem worth the time/expense/hassle for me.
Only you are in a position to judge whether the guilt you describe is genuine or pro forma. For me, in the circumstances you've described, it would absolutely be pro forma and I wouldn't go.
I wonder if there is some other way to help my uncle and cousins feel loved and supported that doesn't involve as much negative impact on me?
Loads of people turned up to pay their respects at my parents' memorials. The sheer numbers were kind of impressive, and all of them spoke to me kindly, but I can honestly say that my wife, my mother, my sister, her partner, my brother, and a handful of really close friends were the only ones whose presence I found genuinely comforting. I would have preferred to have needed to interact with fewer people outside that close circle while grieving as intensely as that.
There must surely have been people who would have come solely for the sake of good form, and chose not to. I have no idea who they might be, but all the same I feel real gratitude to them for keeping their distance and letting those of us for whom the loss was raw and immediate and visceral get on with it.
posted by flabdablet at 10:57 PM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I've only ever gone to funerals for people with whom I and/or members of my household had close personal relationships.
I would not get on a plane to go to a funeral for the partner of somebody whose only real and ongoing relationship with me was genetic.
I just don't really feel like I want to go. It's a lot of hassle and expense and will keep me from doing things with my time that I really *do* want to do. I think they'd be glad if I went, but I also think there will be tons of other people there, and, while I feel guilty saying it, the amount of extra pleasure/comfort they'd get from having me there doesn't seem worth the time/expense/hassle for me.
Only you are in a position to judge whether the guilt you describe is genuine or pro forma. For me, in the circumstances you've described, it would absolutely be pro forma and I wouldn't go.
I wonder if there is some other way to help my uncle and cousins feel loved and supported that doesn't involve as much negative impact on me?
Loads of people turned up to pay their respects at my parents' memorials. The sheer numbers were kind of impressive, and all of them spoke to me kindly, but I can honestly say that my wife, my mother, my sister, her partner, my brother, and a handful of really close friends were the only ones whose presence I found genuinely comforting. I would have preferred to have needed to interact with fewer people outside that close circle while grieving as intensely as that.
There must surely have been people who would have come solely for the sake of good form, and chose not to. I have no idea who they might be, but all the same I feel real gratitude to them for keeping their distance and letting those of us for whom the loss was raw and immediate and visceral get on with it.
posted by flabdablet at 10:57 PM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
"Always sit shiva" is an acceptable alternative to "always go to the funeral." If all you can manage is a single day, that's fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:22 AM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:22 AM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
You're not close with the surviving relatives, there will be other people there, she's not a blood relative, and flying has been a mess lately (my friend's flight home yesterday was cancelled and they rescheduled him for a flight on the 29th.) I think it is fine to stay home.
I think the note above about funerals being a bit different for Jews, who bury people quickly, is relevant.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:23 AM on December 26, 2022
I think the note above about funerals being a bit different for Jews, who bury people quickly, is relevant.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:23 AM on December 26, 2022
You can skip this funeral. You don't need to go to every funeral.
posted by ovvl at 3:02 AM on December 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by ovvl at 3:02 AM on December 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I will never forget who attended my grandmother's shiva, or called from far away to be there for me somehow in that moment. Never. I don't resent or blame the people who weren't there, but I would walk on glass for the people who reached out or showed up. Make of that what you will.
posted by 168 at 5:11 AM on December 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by 168 at 5:11 AM on December 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
From what you describe, you probably don’t *have* to go. But it also sounds like you have drifted apart from this part of your family that you used to be close to, without having any actual animosity. Consider that if you do go, it could be an opportunity to reconnect with and strengthen ties with this part of your family. I’m sure I’m projecting here, but as I’ve gotten older my family, and maintaining connections with them, has become more important, and I’ve realized that “events” (funerals, weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs, etc) are a pretty standard way to do this.
Someone above noted that your aunt isn’t your “blood relative.” If you grew up with her (and it sounds like you did) I find that a bit of an odd distinction in this context, but even if one makes it, your uncle and your cousins are.
If you don’t go to the funeral or shiva, please try to find some other way to express sympathy for the loss and your memories of your aunt to your uncle and cousins.
Some airlines still have bereavement fares that may include aunt. Delta does; I just checked. This page is from 2019 but gives a starting point to check other airlines as well.
Background context for my answer: Jewish, missed a bunch of family events (though I did manage to attend some) in my 20s and 30s due to living across the country, am back on the same coast now and have made an effort to go to these things even though I don’t like large gatherings and don’t always want to. Also, I hugely appreciate and will always remember that my cousins all came to my father’s funeral, though I had not been in regular touch with some of them for years.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 5:21 AM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
Someone above noted that your aunt isn’t your “blood relative.” If you grew up with her (and it sounds like you did) I find that a bit of an odd distinction in this context, but even if one makes it, your uncle and your cousins are.
If you don’t go to the funeral or shiva, please try to find some other way to express sympathy for the loss and your memories of your aunt to your uncle and cousins.
Some airlines still have bereavement fares that may include aunt. Delta does; I just checked. This page is from 2019 but gives a starting point to check other airlines as well.
Background context for my answer: Jewish, missed a bunch of family events (though I did manage to attend some) in my 20s and 30s due to living across the country, am back on the same coast now and have made an effort to go to these things even though I don’t like large gatherings and don’t always want to. Also, I hugely appreciate and will always remember that my cousins all came to my father’s funeral, though I had not been in regular touch with some of them for years.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 5:21 AM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
Also, since you are concerned about your parents feelings about this, you could ask them.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 5:24 AM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 5:24 AM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am a person who always goes to the service and here's why: because in this completely screwed up, beautiful, nonsensical pattern of sunrises and sunsets, the only thing that ever matters at the end of the day is how we show up for each other. *
All we have is love, and that means taking a beat to actually be with and look at each other and to tell people we love them.
We go to services and funerals to honor each other, to say, "we all matter," to remind each other that at the end of the day, all we have is love and each other.
One takeaway from the pandemic is remembering there was a period where we literally could not be near the ones we love. And it's important to recognize the gift we have right now.
In death, we can take some thanks in that the universe is giving us a terribly-inconvenient-but-critical moment to pause, to relax, to look at each other and to remember what really matters.
At end of life services, most of us hug and say we wish the circumstances were different, but we are so damned happy to see everyone. Funerals are not about the individual; they are about the collective everyone. Be part of the everyone. Go.
*The only caveat to all of this is when a horrible or otherwise abusive person is dead, in which case of course you're not going to go.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:24 AM on December 26, 2022 [15 favorites]
All we have is love, and that means taking a beat to actually be with and look at each other and to tell people we love them.
We go to services and funerals to honor each other, to say, "we all matter," to remind each other that at the end of the day, all we have is love and each other.
One takeaway from the pandemic is remembering there was a period where we literally could not be near the ones we love. And it's important to recognize the gift we have right now.
In death, we can take some thanks in that the universe is giving us a terribly-inconvenient-but-critical moment to pause, to relax, to look at each other and to remember what really matters.
At end of life services, most of us hug and say we wish the circumstances were different, but we are so damned happy to see everyone. Funerals are not about the individual; they are about the collective everyone. Be part of the everyone. Go.
*The only caveat to all of this is when a horrible or otherwise abusive person is dead, in which case of course you're not going to go.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:24 AM on December 26, 2022 [15 favorites]
In 2016 my bubby had a stroke. My baby was 6 months old, and getting to NY to see bubby in hospice was her first plane ride. We stayed several days, and bubby died the day before we left.
I didn’t stay for the funeral, because the flight was expensive and we were staying in a hotel and I was breastfeeding and getting the baby to nap and barely handling that stuff, and depending on my dad for rides to and from the hospital and the family.
I feel ok about missing the funeral/shiva, but only because I was able to say goodbye before she was gone, and to see my immediate family while she was in hospice.
I think that if you are determined to skip the funeral/shiva, you should definitely send food and make a phone call to the house during shiva, and be prepared to share some of the memories from when you were closer to the family. I agree that talking to your parents about their wishes would be kind as well, maybe their desires will resonate with you in a way that helps you make the best decision.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 5:49 AM on December 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I didn’t stay for the funeral, because the flight was expensive and we were staying in a hotel and I was breastfeeding and getting the baby to nap and barely handling that stuff, and depending on my dad for rides to and from the hospital and the family.
I feel ok about missing the funeral/shiva, but only because I was able to say goodbye before she was gone, and to see my immediate family while she was in hospice.
I think that if you are determined to skip the funeral/shiva, you should definitely send food and make a phone call to the house during shiva, and be prepared to share some of the memories from when you were closer to the family. I agree that talking to your parents about their wishes would be kind as well, maybe their desires will resonate with you in a way that helps you make the best decision.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 5:49 AM on December 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
See, at this point I'd not travel to a funeral simply because of COVID, which is spiking again along with he cold/flu season. People are traveling unmasked and it's just a mess. But I would feel stange about giving that as a reason because people who don't share my concerns might feel judged.
When my mom died, one of my cousings sent a really nice, detailed letter with some memories of my mom and our family. He didn't even talk about not coming and why he didn't come. He was across the country and it was January and we just didn't expect everyone to come.
posted by BibiRose at 5:52 AM on December 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
When my mom died, one of my cousings sent a really nice, detailed letter with some memories of my mom and our family. He didn't even talk about not coming and why he didn't come. He was across the country and it was January and we just didn't expect everyone to come.
posted by BibiRose at 5:52 AM on December 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Go. And then do something nice for yourself the next day - a nice hotel, a massage, a fancy restaurant, shopping.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2022
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2022
People are traveling unmasked and it's just a mess. But I would feel strange about giving that as a reason because people who don't share my concerns might feel judged.
I've got that particular consideration filed firmly under not setting myself on fire to keep somebody else warm. Judge away. Failure to mask up on public transport displays a level of contempt for others that waives any reasonable expectation of a politely tolerant response.
posted by flabdablet at 6:21 AM on December 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I've got that particular consideration filed firmly under not setting myself on fire to keep somebody else warm. Judge away. Failure to mask up on public transport displays a level of contempt for others that waives any reasonable expectation of a politely tolerant response.
posted by flabdablet at 6:21 AM on December 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
It's entirely OK not to go to the funeral.
That said, pre-covid an uncle of mine died, and at the post-funeral church supper, I ended up around a table with my brother (we do not get along or keep in touch) and several cousins I hadn't seen in many years, reminiscing and sharing stories, and it is a really good memory. I'm glad I was able to be there for it.
posted by Well I never at 6:48 AM on December 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
That said, pre-covid an uncle of mine died, and at the post-funeral church supper, I ended up around a table with my brother (we do not get along or keep in touch) and several cousins I hadn't seen in many years, reminiscing and sharing stories, and it is a really good memory. I'm glad I was able to be there for it.
posted by Well I never at 6:48 AM on December 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
One consideration - if you catch COVID on the plane, you could be exposing elderly people at the funeral or at shiva to COVID, and therefore cause a second death, which would not improve the situation.
I'd stay home, to keep any elderly mourners safe.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:45 AM on December 26, 2022
I'd stay home, to keep any elderly mourners safe.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:45 AM on December 26, 2022
Your parents may really really want you to go to represent them. Your father may be very upset that he cannot go to support his brother. Ask your parents what they think but don't tell them all of the reasons you have for not wanting to go, and don't argue with them. You haven't mentioned siblings, are you an only child? If you are it may be difficult for you to understand the depth of your father's relationship with his brother. Are you the primary caregiver for your parents when they're sick, or are they young and healthy enough that they do not depend on you for that?
Airlines used to give better rates for people going to the death-bed or funeral of a close family member. I got that once about 15 years ago from Delta. Call the relevant airline now and explain the situation and ask if they have such a rate.
posted by mareli at 8:20 AM on December 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
Airlines used to give better rates for people going to the death-bed or funeral of a close family member. I got that once about 15 years ago from Delta. Call the relevant airline now and explain the situation and ask if they have such a rate.
posted by mareli at 8:20 AM on December 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
It’s ok to put your feelings and health, emotional or otherwise, first. You don’t have to go.
posted by Secretariat at 8:25 AM on December 26, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by Secretariat at 8:25 AM on December 26, 2022 [8 favorites]
the slight of not attending may be held against you for the rest of your days
Above and beyond ‘slights’, I have a friend whose father died when he was a fairly young man. I will never forget the bitterness in his voice when he talked about his cousins who didn’t attend the funeral. At one point we ended up eating dinner in a restaurant that they were in at the same time, by coincidence, across the country from where they lived. He walked by them without a second glance. One way or another, you should express your condolences to these people or expect the relationship to become estranged.
posted by bq at 8:35 AM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
Above and beyond ‘slights’, I have a friend whose father died when he was a fairly young man. I will never forget the bitterness in his voice when he talked about his cousins who didn’t attend the funeral. At one point we ended up eating dinner in a restaurant that they were in at the same time, by coincidence, across the country from where they lived. He walked by them without a second glance. One way or another, you should express your condolences to these people or expect the relationship to become estranged.
posted by bq at 8:35 AM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
At a certain point in (some) family relationships, weddings, funerals, and other such big ceremonial events become how you see and stay close to your extended family. You don't have to want to stay in touch with these people, but this is how you do it if you do.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:08 AM on December 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 10:08 AM on December 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
also:
your aunt is perhaps quite old and when you are quite old, a lot of your friends and almost all of your older relatives will have predeceased you. you think there will be no shortage of people showing up. if you remember her as popular and well-loved, if your memories are decades old, remember that half or more of the people you remember surrounding her will not be there in your place if they were her contemporaries, because they will be dead now.
her children will not feel much comfort probably and no pleasure to see you at her funeral. what they may feel, experiencing a house full of people not seen in years but all there for her, is pride. pride in the deceased, pride in the general evidence of love for her, is an enormous aid to dignified mourning. if you are able to go, you may only be going for the sake of your cousins and uncle and your own parents; normal enough, but try to put up the decent fiction that you are there for the deceased. and if all you can do is write a condolence note, do the same in writing. you maybe don't know yet how desolating and humiliating it will be when someone you love has died and people are only there for you. to "support you."
at my mother's service, there were people who showed up mostly for me, for sure. but not in the way people here have meant it, not "for the living." they showed up for me because the last and best respect they could pay to my mother was to visit her children; they could be sure she had wanted that. they were there for me, maybe, in a low and literal sense, but for me as the remaining earthly representative of the dead. I don't believe anyone who showed up personally disliked me, but they could have and I'd never have known and it wouldn't have mattered - I ran things, but it wasn't my show.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:18 AM on December 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
your aunt is perhaps quite old and when you are quite old, a lot of your friends and almost all of your older relatives will have predeceased you. you think there will be no shortage of people showing up. if you remember her as popular and well-loved, if your memories are decades old, remember that half or more of the people you remember surrounding her will not be there in your place if they were her contemporaries, because they will be dead now.
her children will not feel much comfort probably and no pleasure to see you at her funeral. what they may feel, experiencing a house full of people not seen in years but all there for her, is pride. pride in the deceased, pride in the general evidence of love for her, is an enormous aid to dignified mourning. if you are able to go, you may only be going for the sake of your cousins and uncle and your own parents; normal enough, but try to put up the decent fiction that you are there for the deceased. and if all you can do is write a condolence note, do the same in writing. you maybe don't know yet how desolating and humiliating it will be when someone you love has died and people are only there for you. to "support you."
at my mother's service, there were people who showed up mostly for me, for sure. but not in the way people here have meant it, not "for the living." they showed up for me because the last and best respect they could pay to my mother was to visit her children; they could be sure she had wanted that. they were there for me, maybe, in a low and literal sense, but for me as the remaining earthly representative of the dead. I don't believe anyone who showed up personally disliked me, but they could have and I'd never have known and it wouldn't have mattered - I ran things, but it wasn't my show.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:18 AM on December 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
It wasn't until my mother died that I realized how much it means when people come to a funeral. If not going is about covid and your worries about traveling, that's a separate matter. Also if expenses are prohibitive, that seems a valid reason not to go. But if it's only about doing what you want, I'd suggest that a funeral is one of the few things in life where personal preferences seems less important than showing up, especially since your parents aren't able to. You can do whatever you want of course, and the sky won't fall.
posted by swheatie at 10:24 AM on December 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by swheatie at 10:24 AM on December 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
My mom had a standing-room only funeral at her church, and I still remember feeling hurt -- very slightly, in a way I have since let go of -- by the absence of some people whom I'd have expected to be there. It matters.
Everybody has things they'd rather do than attend a funeral. It's like the archetypal thing you would rather not attend. Nevertheless, if the only thing keeping you from going is some manageable amount of hassle, go.
posted by gauche at 10:58 AM on December 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Everybody has things they'd rather do than attend a funeral. It's like the archetypal thing you would rather not attend. Nevertheless, if the only thing keeping you from going is some manageable amount of hassle, go.
posted by gauche at 10:58 AM on December 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
People have talked already about it as a way of keeping in touch with cousins, and you might not feel the need. But I think it’s also worth bearing in mind that when we have an older generation still alive, we have the luxury of knowing that there’s a passive link to our wider family, because our parents/aunts/uncles/etc. are doing the legwork of actually keeping that relationship going.
But once the older generation is all gone, those connections, that we enjoyed knowing were distantly there, will disappear completely unless we make the active effort to maintain them at some level, because we’re now the oldest generation. One way to pave the way to that, is to go to funerals. It’s one gesture that contains an incredibly long, slow-burning fuel that could enrich your sense of wider family years down the line, when your own parents are gone.
posted by penguin pie at 11:52 AM on December 26, 2022 [32 favorites]
But once the older generation is all gone, those connections, that we enjoyed knowing were distantly there, will disappear completely unless we make the active effort to maintain them at some level, because we’re now the oldest generation. One way to pave the way to that, is to go to funerals. It’s one gesture that contains an incredibly long, slow-burning fuel that could enrich your sense of wider family years down the line, when your own parents are gone.
posted by penguin pie at 11:52 AM on December 26, 2022 [32 favorites]
If I could favorite penguin pie’s comment a dozen times, I would. It is the next step of what I was trying to say.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 12:13 PM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 12:13 PM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Same, 2 cats in the yard (re penguin pie's comment).
posted by inexorably_forward at 12:33 PM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by inexorably_forward at 12:33 PM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Another in wholehearted agreement with penguin pie. I'm in that sandwich generation, with my parents and their generation almost gone. There are cousins, and we are now making more of an effort to maintain contact, and last Christmas we got together as a group for a dinner at a nice restaurant. Not all of us are in the same city, but nobody had to fly in. When the very last of the older generation dies, I think we will all be there to support the cousins who otherwise have intermittent contact. Even though the most geographically remote elder is very difficult, reclusive, and deeply estranged from two of her children. We've mostly ignored this person for the past decade, and she's definitely ignored us. However, we'll all go the funeral to support her kids (especially the two children she estranged) and maintain the ties.
But this is obviously your decision. Talk to your parents and see how important your attending is to them. I'm not very familiar with shiva or Jewish funerals, but when I can't go to funerals or the connection to the deceased is remote, like the father of an aunt by marriage I met once or twice 30 years ago, I always write a note of condolence and send flowers or make a contribution to a charity in their name. That seems to be appreciated because I made an effort to share in the experience of a death in the family.
posted by citygirl at 2:35 PM on December 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
But this is obviously your decision. Talk to your parents and see how important your attending is to them. I'm not very familiar with shiva or Jewish funerals, but when I can't go to funerals or the connection to the deceased is remote, like the father of an aunt by marriage I met once or twice 30 years ago, I always write a note of condolence and send flowers or make a contribution to a charity in their name. That seems to be appreciated because I made an effort to share in the experience of a death in the family.
posted by citygirl at 2:35 PM on December 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Jewish mother here. You go to the funeral because it says to the family that this person’s life mattered. That the person who meant so much to them, also meant something to other people. That the person who has died will be remembered.
Every time we hear about someone who died and left no family, and was buried by the state, and no one attended their funeral, we think to ourselves, “Oh, how incredibly sad!” We go to funerals so that the family won’t have to feel that way about their loved one.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:34 PM on December 26, 2022 [13 favorites]
Every time we hear about someone who died and left no family, and was buried by the state, and no one attended their funeral, we think to ourselves, “Oh, how incredibly sad!” We go to funerals so that the family won’t have to feel that way about their loved one.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:34 PM on December 26, 2022 [13 favorites]
I had the exact same choice once and I chose not to go. One of the biggest regrets in my life. Go.
posted by Dynex at 4:42 PM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Dynex at 4:42 PM on December 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's not about you. Nobody wants to go or expects to enjoy themselves. It's about performing a service for other people. Sometimes showing up is enough. The discomfort of going is short-term; the consequences of not going would be long-term.
posted by conrad53 at 6:29 PM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by conrad53 at 6:29 PM on December 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
There are many ways to show your love and support that aren’t attending in person. You can call, send food, send cards, visit later on, etc. I know you have many people commenting that you should go, and I agree there are plenty of reasons for that. However, most people who comment here are clearly very pro-funeral attendance because most of us who are meh or don’t go simply won’t read or even respond, just to share that respective! While I have been glad to attend funerals, there are some I have missed and I don’t regret it. Fuck the guilt. Your aunt wouldn’t want you to feel that!! There are many ways to be there in spirit and they can be just as touching or meaningful to the family. But I’m someone who wouldn’t judge people for not coming to my own funeral or the funeral of a family member or friend. We may only have one funeral but we have more than one chance in life to connect with the people we care about in hard times.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:18 PM on December 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 8:18 PM on December 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I still remember who came to my Dad's funeral nine years ago.
One reason going to funerals is important is that it shows us who will show up when times are though. It's the strength of weak ties. If someone showed up to commemorate my loved one, I'd feel more comfortable reaching out to them in a once in a lifetime emergency. If they didn't - I wouldn't even think of doing that.
Also, older generations can sometimes be more sensitive about it.
posted by M. at 2:21 AM on December 27, 2022 [4 favorites]
One reason going to funerals is important is that it shows us who will show up when times are though. It's the strength of weak ties. If someone showed up to commemorate my loved one, I'd feel more comfortable reaching out to them in a once in a lifetime emergency. If they didn't - I wouldn't even think of doing that.
Also, older generations can sometimes be more sensitive about it.
posted by M. at 2:21 AM on December 27, 2022 [4 favorites]
When my gut honestly tells me "I shouldn't go," I never feel guilty about not going.
When I find that I'm asking myself, "should I go?," I'm always glad when I do. In those cases my worries are usually about the stress of last-minute travel and social anxiety--will the primary mourners see me and wonder why I'm there?
That has never happened--quite the opposite. Maybe they would have missed my presence if I hadn't been there, and maybe (more likely) they wouldn't have. But it's always been clear as day--they were really happy I was there, and so was I.
posted by lampoil at 7:45 AM on December 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I find that I'm asking myself, "should I go?," I'm always glad when I do. In those cases my worries are usually about the stress of last-minute travel and social anxiety--will the primary mourners see me and wonder why I'm there?
That has never happened--quite the opposite. Maybe they would have missed my presence if I hadn't been there, and maybe (more likely) they wouldn't have. But it's always been clear as day--they were really happy I was there, and so was I.
posted by lampoil at 7:45 AM on December 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
On a more practical note, can your parents help you pay for plane tickets since they aren't going (and at least part of the reason you need to be there is to represent them)?
posted by MiraK at 12:42 PM on December 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by MiraK at 12:42 PM on December 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is a tricky calculus, for sure, and I have liked answers on both sides of go/don't go.
The way one frames these dilemmas is very individual, but I find arguments along the lines of "This is how I would feel if I were on the other side of it, i.e. if it were people coming/not coming to my event" to be less relevant than "How would it be if everyone did what I propose to do?" Or even, "How would it be if I made a habit of doing this?" What is an acceptable amount for you to show up for this family? If you show up to these things regularly, no one is going to mind you missing once. But don't become That Person who doesn't show up.
posted by BibiRose at 6:11 AM on December 28, 2022
The way one frames these dilemmas is very individual, but I find arguments along the lines of "This is how I would feel if I were on the other side of it, i.e. if it were people coming/not coming to my event" to be less relevant than "How would it be if everyone did what I propose to do?" Or even, "How would it be if I made a habit of doing this?" What is an acceptable amount for you to show up for this family? If you show up to these things regularly, no one is going to mind you missing once. But don't become That Person who doesn't show up.
posted by BibiRose at 6:11 AM on December 28, 2022
I think, during a pandemic, it is 100% okay to skip any funeral that would require you to get on a plane.
It's even potentially admirable to skip the funeral, because if you catch COVID on the plane and give it to someone else, you're risking their life - so by staying home from the funeral, you are potentially saving a life.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:33 AM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's even potentially admirable to skip the funeral, because if you catch COVID on the plane and give it to someone else, you're risking their life - so by staying home from the funeral, you are potentially saving a life.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:33 AM on December 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I went. Here's what I can report:
a) What felt most useful and important was being there to support my father. It meant a lot to him, and was a nice time for us to spend time together in a way that was meaningful.
b) My cousin and Uncle both expressed multiple times that it really meant a lot to them that I was there. (I think at some level the extra effort that it takes to go to an out-of-town funeral also creates extra benefit. The fact that I was willing to get on a plane and travel increased their perception that it meant a lot...)
I'm glad I went.
That said, I also think it would have been okay if I hadn't. For anyone reading this in the future: I, a stranger on the internet, give you permission to skip a funeral if you don't want to go. There are many things in life that are valuable and important. There are many ways to create connection, and to be kind to people you care about. Attending a relative's funeral is one of them, but you may have other things that matter to you, too, and you get to choose.
posted by PersonPerson at 7:57 PM on February 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
a) What felt most useful and important was being there to support my father. It meant a lot to him, and was a nice time for us to spend time together in a way that was meaningful.
b) My cousin and Uncle both expressed multiple times that it really meant a lot to them that I was there. (I think at some level the extra effort that it takes to go to an out-of-town funeral also creates extra benefit. The fact that I was willing to get on a plane and travel increased their perception that it meant a lot...)
I'm glad I went.
That said, I also think it would have been okay if I hadn't. For anyone reading this in the future: I, a stranger on the internet, give you permission to skip a funeral if you don't want to go. There are many things in life that are valuable and important. There are many ways to create connection, and to be kind to people you care about. Attending a relative's funeral is one of them, but you may have other things that matter to you, too, and you get to choose.
posted by PersonPerson at 7:57 PM on February 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
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