A LDR, a poorly defined “break” and a one night stand
December 25, 2022 1:16 AM Subscribe
How to move forward in a relationship after a near breakup and a one night stand with someone else.
My girlfriend (mid 30s) and I (M, mid 30s) have been dating for ~6 years. She was in another country for most of the year, prior to that we lived in the same city (separate houses but spent most nights together the past couple years). Things were difficult while we were apart, the last month or so in particular. Issues that we had talked about previously came more to the forefront. We had seemingly incompatible life goals, though still cared for each other. I had told her I didn’t know if we had a path forward together and that I wasn’t ready to see her when she returned for the holidays. In a subsequent discussion she said that she was doubting her life goals and I was the person she wanted to be with. She believed there was no chance of reconciliation, I was less certain though neither of us expressed that explicitly. During this time period she had a one night stand with someone else, I don’t know the precise timing.
Over the next couple weeks we talked more. Her change of heart made a future together seem more possible. I told her I was ready to see her and she did end up coming back to our city. Things seemed better between us than either of us expected. After a few days she told me what had happened and that she had contracted an STI from her unprotected one night stand (she had gotten the results earlier that day). She said that she was in a really bad place and absolutely regrets what she did, both for my sake and her own. We had already had sex (protected).
I don’t necessarily feel that she did anything wrong by having a one night stand, I believe she thought it was over, even if I didn’t. I’m still really hurt by her actions, both by the fact that it happened at all and that she came back and made it seem like things were more ok than they actually were and put me at risk (thankfully low) of an STI as well.
Clearly we have work to do on our relationship. How do I move forward? It is pretty painful to think about her being with someone else in the midst of our long discussions regarding our relationship and future. My imagination is running wild thinking about her one night stand, but I don’t know that knowing more about will help anything. What does forgiveness and/or trust look like after this? I think a therapist is probably in order but in the meantime some perspective would be appreciated.
My girlfriend (mid 30s) and I (M, mid 30s) have been dating for ~6 years. She was in another country for most of the year, prior to that we lived in the same city (separate houses but spent most nights together the past couple years). Things were difficult while we were apart, the last month or so in particular. Issues that we had talked about previously came more to the forefront. We had seemingly incompatible life goals, though still cared for each other. I had told her I didn’t know if we had a path forward together and that I wasn’t ready to see her when she returned for the holidays. In a subsequent discussion she said that she was doubting her life goals and I was the person she wanted to be with. She believed there was no chance of reconciliation, I was less certain though neither of us expressed that explicitly. During this time period she had a one night stand with someone else, I don’t know the precise timing.
Over the next couple weeks we talked more. Her change of heart made a future together seem more possible. I told her I was ready to see her and she did end up coming back to our city. Things seemed better between us than either of us expected. After a few days she told me what had happened and that she had contracted an STI from her unprotected one night stand (she had gotten the results earlier that day). She said that she was in a really bad place and absolutely regrets what she did, both for my sake and her own. We had already had sex (protected).
I don’t necessarily feel that she did anything wrong by having a one night stand, I believe she thought it was over, even if I didn’t. I’m still really hurt by her actions, both by the fact that it happened at all and that she came back and made it seem like things were more ok than they actually were and put me at risk (thankfully low) of an STI as well.
Clearly we have work to do on our relationship. How do I move forward? It is pretty painful to think about her being with someone else in the midst of our long discussions regarding our relationship and future. My imagination is running wild thinking about her one night stand, but I don’t know that knowing more about will help anything. What does forgiveness and/or trust look like after this? I think a therapist is probably in order but in the meantime some perspective would be appreciated.
Clearly we have work to do on our relationship. How do I move forward?
I'd end it at this point. It's OK for relationships to end, and this just doesn't show much sign that it's going to work out in a way that makes anyone genuinely happy.
posted by mhoye at 7:01 AM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'd end it at this point. It's OK for relationships to end, and this just doesn't show much sign that it's going to work out in a way that makes anyone genuinely happy.
posted by mhoye at 7:01 AM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree that she didn’t really cheat on you. But she did, as you recognize, put you at risk knowingly, and with dishonesty. This makes me question her character in general. I am all for people having sex when and how they want to, but with responsibility and respect for others. That she could not or would not do this is, to me, a huge issue.
It seems like you two are recommitting to being a couple? Based on your question, which is admittedly one slice of things, my take is that neither of you really want that. My guess is there is a lot of fear driving things—after six years of coupledom it is hard to face being alone, starting the next chapter of life, getting older (ha, but I know some people in the second half of their thirties freak out as they approach middle age years).
So, I’d think long and hard about what you want and where you think you two are headed.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 7:51 AM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
It seems like you two are recommitting to being a couple? Based on your question, which is admittedly one slice of things, my take is that neither of you really want that. My guess is there is a lot of fear driving things—after six years of coupledom it is hard to face being alone, starting the next chapter of life, getting older (ha, but I know some people in the second half of their thirties freak out as they approach middle age years).
So, I’d think long and hard about what you want and where you think you two are headed.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 7:51 AM on December 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't like to psychoanalyze people based on what they do or don't put in an AskMe post but it's striking to me that you don't phrase the question as "I love her and want to recommit to this relationship, but I am struggling to move past this STI issue." In fact your love and your desires don't really come up in this question at all. Do you actually want to be with this person long term, or are you just trying to justify the sunk cost of the relationship so far by trying to "make it work"? I don't know the answer to this question and I'm not sure you do either, so in advance of getting into therapy I would suggest doing a lot of journaling and solitary thinking about what your vision of the future actually is. It may be hard to picture life after a long relationship since you're interwoven in so many ways (trust me, I've been there), but there is light at the end of that tunnel. You just have to approach this situation from a place of compassion, courage, and curiosity.
posted by derrinyet at 8:36 AM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by derrinyet at 8:36 AM on December 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. It hurts, I know. Chiming in here because I'm also going through a recent break(up) that still hasn't been clearly defined, and there are some parts of your post that stood out to me as particularly relevant:
"I had told her I didn’t know if we had a path forward together and that I wasn’t ready to see her when she returned for the holidays... she said that she was doubting her life goals and I was the person she wanted to be with. She believed there was no chance of reconciliation, I was less certain though neither of us expressed that explicitly."
This sounds a lot like the dynamic between my ex and me. You both really want the relationship to work, and it may be the case that (at least) one of you is unconsciously shifting their goals in order to stay with the other. Whether it's out of fear of being alone, the fear of heartbreak pain, etc., the person(s) shifting their goals may not be realizing they are doing it for this reason. She wasn't the one who posted your question, but I would encourage her to think about whether she is actually doubting her life goals, or if she is unconsciously doing it as a liferaft in order to keep you.
The other concerning part here, and I would say more concerning than the above portion, is your comment about you not being ready to see her during the Holidays. You. What about how she is feeling about it? Does her wanting to see you have any weight? This seems very much like you holding the reins in the relationship, and deciding when you two get to rendezvous based on your current moods/whims.
I apologize if this sounds harsh, but this is something that my ex was doing, and I didn't realize it until stepping away from the relationship. It absolutely took a toll on my confidence, self-worth, and value as a partner. It made me feel as if not meeting his needs/moods where he was at, as soon as he felt them, made me reactionary, unreasonable, and not a good partner. Even though these were never his intentions and he is a good person (as it sounds like you are too), the resulting feelings were from this dynamic. I gently encourage you to think deeply about whether this has been the dynamic throughout your relationship.
One other point that resonated was the fact that you two have not cohabitated throughout your entire relationship (unless I interpreted that incorrectly?). Of course, two people don't have to live together in order for the relationship to be successful, but I'm wondering if not wanting to live together is both of your desires, or only yours? It sounds like the distance works for you both, but wanted to put that out there as a consideration. It's easy to get comfortable and have things your way all the time when you live alone, and making the decision to cohabitate is huge; it does mean compromises in some ways, regardless of how small, but it's for the worth of the relationship because you love each other. My ex and I have this dynamic, but I've lived with partners before and he hasn't. This is not a fault of either of us, but I do believe this plays a part in each person's desire to see the other. He is happy to have several days/nights without my presence (feels that absence makes the heart grow fonder), whereas I would like to see one another everyday (or at least 5-6 times/week). It was something that started to weigh on me and make me feel simultaneously unwanted and overly-attached. I think there are very, very few feelings in life worse than wanting someone more than they want you. So I wonder if she was feeling this way at all, even a little bit. Only you can answer that, though!
As far as the STI goes, I'm sorry to hear that this happened, and hope that it clears up soon without any issue. The actual act of sex, though, seems to bother you. And it's alright to have those feelings! In a perfect world, we could take a break with someone while we worked on ourselves, and they wouldn't have any relationships/sexual encounters/baggage to bring to the relationship when we returned. But that would be having dated a mannequin, and not a human. I encourage you to think about what it really is that is bothering you most about her sexual encounter during the break.
posted by Jangatroo at 9:27 AM on December 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
"I had told her I didn’t know if we had a path forward together and that I wasn’t ready to see her when she returned for the holidays... she said that she was doubting her life goals and I was the person she wanted to be with. She believed there was no chance of reconciliation, I was less certain though neither of us expressed that explicitly."
This sounds a lot like the dynamic between my ex and me. You both really want the relationship to work, and it may be the case that (at least) one of you is unconsciously shifting their goals in order to stay with the other. Whether it's out of fear of being alone, the fear of heartbreak pain, etc., the person(s) shifting their goals may not be realizing they are doing it for this reason. She wasn't the one who posted your question, but I would encourage her to think about whether she is actually doubting her life goals, or if she is unconsciously doing it as a liferaft in order to keep you.
The other concerning part here, and I would say more concerning than the above portion, is your comment about you not being ready to see her during the Holidays. You. What about how she is feeling about it? Does her wanting to see you have any weight? This seems very much like you holding the reins in the relationship, and deciding when you two get to rendezvous based on your current moods/whims.
I apologize if this sounds harsh, but this is something that my ex was doing, and I didn't realize it until stepping away from the relationship. It absolutely took a toll on my confidence, self-worth, and value as a partner. It made me feel as if not meeting his needs/moods where he was at, as soon as he felt them, made me reactionary, unreasonable, and not a good partner. Even though these were never his intentions and he is a good person (as it sounds like you are too), the resulting feelings were from this dynamic. I gently encourage you to think deeply about whether this has been the dynamic throughout your relationship.
One other point that resonated was the fact that you two have not cohabitated throughout your entire relationship (unless I interpreted that incorrectly?). Of course, two people don't have to live together in order for the relationship to be successful, but I'm wondering if not wanting to live together is both of your desires, or only yours? It sounds like the distance works for you both, but wanted to put that out there as a consideration. It's easy to get comfortable and have things your way all the time when you live alone, and making the decision to cohabitate is huge; it does mean compromises in some ways, regardless of how small, but it's for the worth of the relationship because you love each other. My ex and I have this dynamic, but I've lived with partners before and he hasn't. This is not a fault of either of us, but I do believe this plays a part in each person's desire to see the other. He is happy to have several days/nights without my presence (feels that absence makes the heart grow fonder), whereas I would like to see one another everyday (or at least 5-6 times/week). It was something that started to weigh on me and make me feel simultaneously unwanted and overly-attached. I think there are very, very few feelings in life worse than wanting someone more than they want you. So I wonder if she was feeling this way at all, even a little bit. Only you can answer that, though!
As far as the STI goes, I'm sorry to hear that this happened, and hope that it clears up soon without any issue. The actual act of sex, though, seems to bother you. And it's alright to have those feelings! In a perfect world, we could take a break with someone while we worked on ourselves, and they wouldn't have any relationships/sexual encounters/baggage to bring to the relationship when we returned. But that would be having dated a mannequin, and not a human. I encourage you to think about what it really is that is bothering you most about her sexual encounter during the break.
posted by Jangatroo at 9:27 AM on December 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
This does not feel like there are strong enough feelings for each other for this to work out. You sound dispassionate at best, or maybe more like you're wearing a slightly uncomfortable sweater but don't want to insult the person who made it for you, and I would have some suspicions that she mostly doesn't want to go through starting over with someone else. That is how this specific one-night stand kind of reads - she dipped a toe, and hated it. But that's not good enough reason to stay with you.
If you gave yourself a guilt-free moment to imagine a world in which this is definitively over, do you feel relieved? You sound like you might feel relieved.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:28 PM on December 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you gave yourself a guilt-free moment to imagine a world in which this is definitively over, do you feel relieved? You sound like you might feel relieved.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:28 PM on December 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
>It is pretty painful to think about her being with someone else in the midst of our long discussions regarding our relationship and future.
I think you need to process these feelings first before continuing to have these long discussions about the future. You're trying to do some hard work on the relationship, and your hurt from her actions is there and present so you're really not in a place to give 100% to these discussions. At this point, she can't do anything to fix your hurt. She did it, she can't undo it, she told you, and she has to recover from this STI and whatever bad feelings she has about her own actions. Similarly, her actions DID affect you, and you need to give yourself the time and space to process those feelings.
I suggest having a break. A well-defined one this time. Let's say three months, where all you do (and her as well) is focus on your own selves, what you want out of your relationship and your lives, and your well-being. And be clear about whether or not you'll date/have NSA sex this time. My thoughts on this are that it's unfair to say they can't date/have casual sex - if that's what they want to do, you can't control another person's actions. You're on a break - you're not in the relationship anymore so I think it's unfair to ask or expect monogamy. But that's only my opinion.
So maybe you will both agree - no seeing or hooking up with others. So what happens if either of you end up crushing on someone, want to date them, or you end up making out with a stranger at a club and "one thing leads to another"? Would you consider that cheating, is that an automatic break up at that point, is it don't ask, don't tell? If you can't agree on how you want this break to look like, that's a strong sign that you should end it definitively.
Let's say you have the break, and whether or not you date/hook up with others with whatever rules you put in place, you meet up again in 3 months. Have the conversation: what do either of you want with your lives, and with this relationship? If one of you wants to end it, it's over. Breakups only need one no.
>How do I move forward?
I note that you say "I", not "we." Hence the need to focus on yourself and dealing with your hurt around her actions. Therapy is definitely in order, not probably.
posted by foxjacket at 8:00 AM on December 26, 2022
I think you need to process these feelings first before continuing to have these long discussions about the future. You're trying to do some hard work on the relationship, and your hurt from her actions is there and present so you're really not in a place to give 100% to these discussions. At this point, she can't do anything to fix your hurt. She did it, she can't undo it, she told you, and she has to recover from this STI and whatever bad feelings she has about her own actions. Similarly, her actions DID affect you, and you need to give yourself the time and space to process those feelings.
I suggest having a break. A well-defined one this time. Let's say three months, where all you do (and her as well) is focus on your own selves, what you want out of your relationship and your lives, and your well-being. And be clear about whether or not you'll date/have NSA sex this time. My thoughts on this are that it's unfair to say they can't date/have casual sex - if that's what they want to do, you can't control another person's actions. You're on a break - you're not in the relationship anymore so I think it's unfair to ask or expect monogamy. But that's only my opinion.
So maybe you will both agree - no seeing or hooking up with others. So what happens if either of you end up crushing on someone, want to date them, or you end up making out with a stranger at a club and "one thing leads to another"? Would you consider that cheating, is that an automatic break up at that point, is it don't ask, don't tell? If you can't agree on how you want this break to look like, that's a strong sign that you should end it definitively.
Let's say you have the break, and whether or not you date/hook up with others with whatever rules you put in place, you meet up again in 3 months. Have the conversation: what do either of you want with your lives, and with this relationship? If one of you wants to end it, it's over. Breakups only need one no.
>How do I move forward?
I note that you say "I", not "we." Hence the need to focus on yourself and dealing with your hurt around her actions. Therapy is definitely in order, not probably.
posted by foxjacket at 8:00 AM on December 26, 2022
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Explore exactly what it is that bothers you about it; addressing your SPECIFIC concerns will be easier than generically thinking about "what to do if someone cheats." Some people when they really get down to it realize that they're only upset because they're told by our culture that they should be. Some people realize that it doesn't make sense for them to fixate on images of their partner with their hookup any more than they did on images of them with previous partners. Some people realize that what their partner does when they're not around doesn't actually affect them, as long as their partner is emotionally there for them when they ARE together.
The STI really adds insult to injury, but our puritanism can make them out to be a bigger deal than they actually are. For example, would you be equally upset if she got the flu? Keeping in mind that the flu is likely more physically dangerous and would put you through a lot more discomfort than the STI? Even if she failed to inform you that she went to a crowded mall without a mask at a time when flu rates are really high?
I'm so sorry that you're going through this and hope you are able to find some peace.
posted by metasarah at 4:14 AM on December 25, 2022 [16 favorites]