Emotional Eviction Notice
December 7, 2022 12:34 PM Subscribe
"Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." Absolutely. But how do you actually do it?
The idea of letting go of resentment is wonderful...in theory. What about putting it into practice?
What is the specific mental step(s) you take whenever the thought of someone who you feel wronged you--or even worse, continues to--pops unbidden into your head? In the shower, in the car, before falling asleep or first thing in the morning, whenever you see them or are otherwise reminded of the unpleasant interaction that gave them a spare key to your mental back door.
What are the words you tell yourself or actions you take (distraction?) to help evict them from your thoughts and feelings? Because it seems like the harder you try to push them out, the deeper they dig in.
The idea of letting go of resentment is wonderful...in theory. What about putting it into practice?
What is the specific mental step(s) you take whenever the thought of someone who you feel wronged you--or even worse, continues to--pops unbidden into your head? In the shower, in the car, before falling asleep or first thing in the morning, whenever you see them or are otherwise reminded of the unpleasant interaction that gave them a spare key to your mental back door.
What are the words you tell yourself or actions you take (distraction?) to help evict them from your thoughts and feelings? Because it seems like the harder you try to push them out, the deeper they dig in.
When I'm feeling resentful (especially about those completely irrelevant things that happened ages ago!), there are usually a couple things going on with me:
1) I'm hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, and my ability to manage my emotions is failing, resulting in my brain grasping at straws if there's not a current stressor.
2) I haven't taken the time to be present with myself, kindly acknowledge my own feelings of hurt, and just let myself feel them for a minute.
3) If the situation causing resentment is currently active and not in the past, I need to make a decision on if I'm going to communicate with the person involved (It's not fair to be resentful toward someone who doesn't know they're hurting you- once you've at least tried, you have the right to be angry with them). If I can't do it, then I need to own my bit of responsibility for the feelings, and think about how I'm going to be better about my boundaries in the future.
We're so afraid to confront our own emotions- if you wake up with your mind racing over something, I say it's perfectly acceptable to get up, make a cup of calming tea, do some stretches or something, and just give it a minute.
If the resentment is caused by a serious underlying trauma and it is so omnipresent it is ruining your quality of life, I strongly recommend EMDR therapy- it has a scientific basis and I personally found it very helpful. Best of luck to you!
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 12:43 PM on December 7, 2022 [7 favorites]
1) I'm hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, and my ability to manage my emotions is failing, resulting in my brain grasping at straws if there's not a current stressor.
2) I haven't taken the time to be present with myself, kindly acknowledge my own feelings of hurt, and just let myself feel them for a minute.
3) If the situation causing resentment is currently active and not in the past, I need to make a decision on if I'm going to communicate with the person involved (It's not fair to be resentful toward someone who doesn't know they're hurting you- once you've at least tried, you have the right to be angry with them). If I can't do it, then I need to own my bit of responsibility for the feelings, and think about how I'm going to be better about my boundaries in the future.
We're so afraid to confront our own emotions- if you wake up with your mind racing over something, I say it's perfectly acceptable to get up, make a cup of calming tea, do some stretches or something, and just give it a minute.
If the resentment is caused by a serious underlying trauma and it is so omnipresent it is ruining your quality of life, I strongly recommend EMDR therapy- it has a scientific basis and I personally found it very helpful. Best of luck to you!
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 12:43 PM on December 7, 2022 [7 favorites]
This may or may not work for you, depending on your religious inclinations, but I pray for the person. Something simple like "God, please care for person X" or "God, I pray that X person finds joy" (where joy has a specific meaning within my Christian denomination, it doesn't just mean happiness, it means something like "experiences God's love"). I find that praying for them helps take them out of my mind/heart and puts them in God's hands.
Many years ago, an Episcopal priest suggested this to me as a way to clear resentments. I was extremely reluctant to do this -- why would I pray for people who had wronged me? -- but I've found that the more consistently I do this, the less frequently they come to my mind in the future. I think it's probably because rather than stewing on the wrong and reopening the wound, I can take a small action. This helps me mentally process these reminders. And since it's prayer, it also helps heal whatever spiritual wounds linger from the event itself or from the ongoing reminders.
posted by OrangeDisk at 12:54 PM on December 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
Many years ago, an Episcopal priest suggested this to me as a way to clear resentments. I was extremely reluctant to do this -- why would I pray for people who had wronged me? -- but I've found that the more consistently I do this, the less frequently they come to my mind in the future. I think it's probably because rather than stewing on the wrong and reopening the wound, I can take a small action. This helps me mentally process these reminders. And since it's prayer, it also helps heal whatever spiritual wounds linger from the event itself or from the ongoing reminders.
posted by OrangeDisk at 12:54 PM on December 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
For me, continuing to think about someone who pisses me off is a sign that I just need to finish feeling angry at them. However - this is because I used to suppress anger and hide bad feelings thanks to some good-intentioned but wrong advice from grownups when I was a kid. (We REALLY, REALLY need to incorporate "how to properly validate the feelings of the child who GOT bullied" into our handbook for "how to deal with school bullying situations".)
Something I read in a webcomic struck me; two of the characters had an argument, but then apologized; but when one of them wondered why they still felt wound up, the other shrugged and said that "it's okay, we just need to finish letting the anger metabolize". And that's kind of how it works - our emotions aren't switches, and your brain and heart just need to work through whatever anger you have. And the more you try to suppress that anger or try NOT to feel it, the stronger it's going to get. In my case, I had a lot of anger against some kids who bullied me a lot in Second Grade - only I spent the next 20 years telling myself I shouldn't take them seriously and thinking there was something wrong with me when still (very, VERY legitimately) got upset thinking about them now and then. And then finally when I was in my late 20s I figured out that it had been totally valid for me to be angry with them, and the reason I kept getting reminded of them was my unconscious mind's way of saying I had to finally at long last process that anger.
I gave myself permission to be as angry as I wanted about the situation, and spent about two weeks feeling edgy and writing lots of angry journal entries.....and then the anger and my memories started to fade, and get replaced with a clearer understanding of the whole situation. I even had reason to stop by my old grade school on a weekend when it was empty, and as I was peeking in windows, I had this daydream that the girls who bullied me came up to the other side of the window in one room, still these seven-year-old girls looking at grown-up me, all of them crying and saying they were sorry. And what struck me about that wasn't that they were apologizing - it was that they were only seven, and had no understanding of what the hell they were doing to me in the first place. And with the exception of one girl in particular (who was terrible to me for the entire time I knew her, up through into high school), I forgave them all. They were seven, they were idiots. Now they knew better.
But my point is that I could never have gotten to that point until I'd let myself feel that very legitimate anger in the first place. That anger had never metabolized because I'd kept trying to stop myself, trying to remind myself by saying things like "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."
Sometimes it's that - but sometimes you're not the one hanging onto the resentment. Sometimes the resentment is hanging on to you and waiting for you to acknowledge it's there. It wants to leave just as much as you want it to leave, but you have to deal with it first.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:13 PM on December 7, 2022 [24 favorites]
Something I read in a webcomic struck me; two of the characters had an argument, but then apologized; but when one of them wondered why they still felt wound up, the other shrugged and said that "it's okay, we just need to finish letting the anger metabolize". And that's kind of how it works - our emotions aren't switches, and your brain and heart just need to work through whatever anger you have. And the more you try to suppress that anger or try NOT to feel it, the stronger it's going to get. In my case, I had a lot of anger against some kids who bullied me a lot in Second Grade - only I spent the next 20 years telling myself I shouldn't take them seriously and thinking there was something wrong with me when still (very, VERY legitimately) got upset thinking about them now and then. And then finally when I was in my late 20s I figured out that it had been totally valid for me to be angry with them, and the reason I kept getting reminded of them was my unconscious mind's way of saying I had to finally at long last process that anger.
I gave myself permission to be as angry as I wanted about the situation, and spent about two weeks feeling edgy and writing lots of angry journal entries.....and then the anger and my memories started to fade, and get replaced with a clearer understanding of the whole situation. I even had reason to stop by my old grade school on a weekend when it was empty, and as I was peeking in windows, I had this daydream that the girls who bullied me came up to the other side of the window in one room, still these seven-year-old girls looking at grown-up me, all of them crying and saying they were sorry. And what struck me about that wasn't that they were apologizing - it was that they were only seven, and had no understanding of what the hell they were doing to me in the first place. And with the exception of one girl in particular (who was terrible to me for the entire time I knew her, up through into high school), I forgave them all. They were seven, they were idiots. Now they knew better.
But my point is that I could never have gotten to that point until I'd let myself feel that very legitimate anger in the first place. That anger had never metabolized because I'd kept trying to stop myself, trying to remind myself by saying things like "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."
Sometimes it's that - but sometimes you're not the one hanging onto the resentment. Sometimes the resentment is hanging on to you and waiting for you to acknowledge it's there. It wants to leave just as much as you want it to leave, but you have to deal with it first.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:13 PM on December 7, 2022 [24 favorites]
I am not mostly a ritual-minded witch, but I really love a letting-go ritual that leaves me with a symbol to use as shorthand as I retrain my brain to stop picking at that particular scab. And I love a symbol, so I like to incorporate anything I can sweep away from me, burn, flush down the toilet, pour down the drain, shower/bathe off, throw into a body of water, or even put in the trash if necessary. If you need to put on an Elsa wig and sing "Let It Go" under a full moon, go for it. When that bad memory pops up, I counter it with my memory of the sweep, the flush, the suds going down the drain.
And I think a big component of these things that stick with us rent-free is often some sense of shame or humiliation or failure, and part of your ritual has to be absolving or forgiving yourself or letting go (or shoving away, it can be grabby, the shame). We are all going to learn some of our lessons in life the hard way, and part of this process may be to find gratitude for the knowledge you gained even if the process was sub-optimal. You may have to kindly let Past You know that yes, it happened and it sucked but here's the evidence that we used that experience to build a better You in the end. That may be an actual series of conversations you have out loud, or in your head, or typed in a document, in order to really let all those words out and make them real.
When there is a person involved who needs to be exiled, I try very hard to genuinely wish them well. Them not showing up as their best self at that moment of intersection with you is hopefully part of a lesson they learned. Or maybe they were in a place of hurt or lack, and you can dig way down and find sincere hope that they get whatever it is they need to heal or be whole if they haven't already - because if nothing else that'll limit the amount of damage they'll continue to do. Bless their heart, as we say in the South.
This is a real exercise in compassion, and you may have to grunt a little as you dredge some up, and this absolutely does not mean you are re-inviting them into your life or even forgiving them, but try to give them at least credit for being a fucked-up person, if that's what they were at that time, and that they probably didn't get that way in a vacuum. And when my brain wants to dredge them up at me at 3am, then I ferociously hope they got help and are doing just fucking great now, or that they will soon. It starts to become paired then, so that you immediately bless them when they appear, and they seem to lose their hold on the brain over time.
As noted above, this isn't going to resolve trauma. But if there is trauma that needs to be processed, sometimes it's hard to move through to the processing part when we are stuck at the self-blame or I-deserved-it place. Even if your gut is still harboring those emotions, sometimes the intellectual acknowledgement - the kind of thing you'd tell a friend in your situation and know it to be true in that context if not yet in your own - will crack the door.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:24 PM on December 7, 2022 [6 favorites]
And I think a big component of these things that stick with us rent-free is often some sense of shame or humiliation or failure, and part of your ritual has to be absolving or forgiving yourself or letting go (or shoving away, it can be grabby, the shame). We are all going to learn some of our lessons in life the hard way, and part of this process may be to find gratitude for the knowledge you gained even if the process was sub-optimal. You may have to kindly let Past You know that yes, it happened and it sucked but here's the evidence that we used that experience to build a better You in the end. That may be an actual series of conversations you have out loud, or in your head, or typed in a document, in order to really let all those words out and make them real.
When there is a person involved who needs to be exiled, I try very hard to genuinely wish them well. Them not showing up as their best self at that moment of intersection with you is hopefully part of a lesson they learned. Or maybe they were in a place of hurt or lack, and you can dig way down and find sincere hope that they get whatever it is they need to heal or be whole if they haven't already - because if nothing else that'll limit the amount of damage they'll continue to do. Bless their heart, as we say in the South.
This is a real exercise in compassion, and you may have to grunt a little as you dredge some up, and this absolutely does not mean you are re-inviting them into your life or even forgiving them, but try to give them at least credit for being a fucked-up person, if that's what they were at that time, and that they probably didn't get that way in a vacuum. And when my brain wants to dredge them up at me at 3am, then I ferociously hope they got help and are doing just fucking great now, or that they will soon. It starts to become paired then, so that you immediately bless them when they appear, and they seem to lose their hold on the brain over time.
As noted above, this isn't going to resolve trauma. But if there is trauma that needs to be processed, sometimes it's hard to move through to the processing part when we are stuck at the self-blame or I-deserved-it place. Even if your gut is still harboring those emotions, sometimes the intellectual acknowledgement - the kind of thing you'd tell a friend in your situation and know it to be true in that context if not yet in your own - will crack the door.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:24 PM on December 7, 2022 [6 favorites]
Not necessarily recommending it, but therapeutic violence has definitely helped me in the past. I've lit things on fire and thrown dishes at cement walls, and kicked more than one tree (the trees were big and not damaged. My foot, on the other hand...). I'm not proud of it, but it helps. Also lots of shouting into the abyss as well.
posted by cgg at 1:33 PM on December 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by cgg at 1:33 PM on December 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
The fourth step of the twelve steps of addiction recovery is an exhaustive but effective way for ridding myself of resentments.
posted by infinitewindow at 2:01 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by infinitewindow at 2:01 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Saying it out loud sometimes makes ideas lose their power- instead of rattling around in your head they are out and deflated.
posted by freethefeet at 2:03 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by freethefeet at 2:03 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Walking in nature and cussing them out works a treat.
Then I enjoy the rest of a lovely, invigorating stroll with someone I like, and leave that sad, sorry little individual behind somewhere, rather than in my brain taking up valuable space.
Feel the wind, look up at the clouds, glory in being alive!
Repeat as necessary.
posted by TrishaU at 2:23 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Then I enjoy the rest of a lovely, invigorating stroll with someone I like, and leave that sad, sorry little individual behind somewhere, rather than in my brain taking up valuable space.
Feel the wind, look up at the clouds, glory in being alive!
Repeat as necessary.
posted by TrishaU at 2:23 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's been helpful for me to think, "Their actions/character will catch up with them somehow, the universe doesn't need my help with that."
But it's also been helpful for me to just let myself feel the discomfort of powerlessness. Because typically when someone is in my thoughts this way, it's because I'm unable to have any kind of meaningful accountability or consequences for the way they hurt me, so that sense of powerlessness just gnaws at me and I automatically try to soothe it by fantasizing about getting justice. Acknowledging that it hurts, and identifying ways to actually feel empowered (that have nothing to do with the person who wronged me) can help a lot.
posted by theotherdurassister at 3:00 PM on December 7, 2022 [6 favorites]
But it's also been helpful for me to just let myself feel the discomfort of powerlessness. Because typically when someone is in my thoughts this way, it's because I'm unable to have any kind of meaningful accountability or consequences for the way they hurt me, so that sense of powerlessness just gnaws at me and I automatically try to soothe it by fantasizing about getting justice. Acknowledging that it hurts, and identifying ways to actually feel empowered (that have nothing to do with the person who wronged me) can help a lot.
posted by theotherdurassister at 3:00 PM on December 7, 2022 [6 favorites]
Stop trying to push them out, and stop judging yourself for thinking about them. This self-compassion is the first essential step.
What is the specific mental step(s) you take whenever the thought of someone who you feel wronged you--or even worse, continues to--pops unbidden into your head?
Little picture (at my best): Oh, look, there's a thought about PERSON. That feels stressful. I will observe this thought and stress and judge myself. I know that trying not to think about something, or feeling bad about thinking about it, won't help me not think about it, so I am focusing on self-compassion.
(When I try to go through this kind of thought process, I visualize myself almost as like a light, floating thing, like maybe a butterfly, just observing the thought, gently flying over it all.)
Medium picture (at my best): Gosh, I am thinking about PERSON again. What's going on with me? Am I hungry or tired? Do I have other needs to attend to? Is OTHER SITUATION feeling complicated and it's making me think of other stressful things? How can I take care of myself right now while also not feeling bad about this thought? Is something I can talk about in therapy?
Big picture: I do whatever I can to minimize exposure to PERSON. If they are someone in my social world, I mute/block/unfollow, ask friends not to mention them to me, etc. If they are a coworker, I might filter emails from them into a specific innocuous folder.
Closure rituals can help. Some times talking to a friend about it can help, but sometimes deciding not to talk about it can help too.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
What is the specific mental step(s) you take whenever the thought of someone who you feel wronged you--or even worse, continues to--pops unbidden into your head?
Little picture (at my best): Oh, look, there's a thought about PERSON. That feels stressful. I will observe this thought and stress and judge myself. I know that trying not to think about something, or feeling bad about thinking about it, won't help me not think about it, so I am focusing on self-compassion.
(When I try to go through this kind of thought process, I visualize myself almost as like a light, floating thing, like maybe a butterfly, just observing the thought, gently flying over it all.)
Medium picture (at my best): Gosh, I am thinking about PERSON again. What's going on with me? Am I hungry or tired? Do I have other needs to attend to? Is OTHER SITUATION feeling complicated and it's making me think of other stressful things? How can I take care of myself right now while also not feeling bad about this thought? Is something I can talk about in therapy?
Big picture: I do whatever I can to minimize exposure to PERSON. If they are someone in my social world, I mute/block/unfollow, ask friends not to mention them to me, etc. If they are a coworker, I might filter emails from them into a specific innocuous folder.
Closure rituals can help. Some times talking to a friend about it can help, but sometimes deciding not to talk about it can help too.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
The way I did it was both the simplest and the hardest thing to do. Eventually, I lost interest in what had happened to me. That is to say, I processed it with a therapist at sufficient length that I understood that I had been treated badly, that I didn't deserve it, that it was wrong and those people were sick. Slowly, inside me, it became a solved problem. And then what I thought was: I'm tired of this. I'm going to put it down. Nothing about those people at all, you understand -- simply allowing myself a break from the exhausting weight of anger. And the break lasted a long time.
This wasn't a permanent process. I don't believe in "closure" or anything like that. I did have a setback in my PTSD for reasons I won't go into. I only mention it to say that I am not pretending that there is a switch you can flip in your brain that will make it okay forever. But my go-to thought when I think of these things, as you say, is simple boredom. (Under that, self-compassion.)
posted by Countess Elena at 4:12 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
This wasn't a permanent process. I don't believe in "closure" or anything like that. I did have a setback in my PTSD for reasons I won't go into. I only mention it to say that I am not pretending that there is a switch you can flip in your brain that will make it okay forever. But my go-to thought when I think of these things, as you say, is simple boredom. (Under that, self-compassion.)
posted by Countess Elena at 4:12 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Sometimes I think about times when I treated other people unfairly. I also think of times when others were surprisingly kind or generous to me, even when I didn't especially deserve their benevolence. Thinking of these sorts of instances reminds me that I'm not perfect, people are complex, and life is complex -- and sometimes you're treated poorly, and sometimes you're treated better than you deserve.
posted by akk2014 at 5:13 PM on December 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by akk2014 at 5:13 PM on December 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think of this kind of emotional process as a kind of reinforcing brain loop....the more you dwell on it, the more the energy loops back on itself and the worse it gets. When I find myself in this kind of recursive logic, I ask myself about any particular thought I'm having..."is this really true?" Is it really true so and so is this type of person or that my framework really describes the situation.
The real problem is interrupting the loop. If you continue thinking in this way, the loop of hurt or outrage will build emotional dissatisfaction indefinitely. The real trick is to interrupt the process so your brain can get on with being present rather than dwelling on past injustices (real or imagined).
posted by diode at 5:14 PM on December 7, 2022
The real problem is interrupting the loop. If you continue thinking in this way, the loop of hurt or outrage will build emotional dissatisfaction indefinitely. The real trick is to interrupt the process so your brain can get on with being present rather than dwelling on past injustices (real or imagined).
posted by diode at 5:14 PM on December 7, 2022
First - for me this generally manifests as some sort of imaginary conversation or confrontation with the person. So - I like to remind myself it is imaginary.
“You again,” I will say, in my head. “Today you get to wear the purple Barney dinosaur head while I verbally pummel you beyond recognition.”
Like - emphasizing that this is imaginary - a thing my brain is doing to itself - it helps me.
Then - once I have dressed my imaginary foe up I usually end up with the giggles. And that helps me let go and move forward.
posted by hilaryjade at 6:28 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
“You again,” I will say, in my head. “Today you get to wear the purple Barney dinosaur head while I verbally pummel you beyond recognition.”
Like - emphasizing that this is imaginary - a thing my brain is doing to itself - it helps me.
Then - once I have dressed my imaginary foe up I usually end up with the giggles. And that helps me let go and move forward.
posted by hilaryjade at 6:28 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
This may be a bit childish, but I have an imaginary place called The Perfectly Nice Town With Terrible Phone Reception. When someone keeps popping into my head to piss me off I mentally send them to this town.
The town is lovely! I am sure they will be very happy there. It's just that the internet and phone coverage sucks and they have absolutely no way of contacting me at all. Ever. I find it surprisingly effective. I'm not wishing them ill, just far, far away.
posted by arha at 7:13 PM on December 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
The town is lovely! I am sure they will be very happy there. It's just that the internet and phone coverage sucks and they have absolutely no way of contacting me at all. Ever. I find it surprisingly effective. I'm not wishing them ill, just far, far away.
posted by arha at 7:13 PM on December 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
Would it help to think of this as intrusive thoughts and emotional flashbacks? Those are the therapy concepts that came to mind when I read your post.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:18 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:18 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
My understanding is that for intrusive thoughts (like this would be, for me) it's best if you can keep your emotional reaction as minimal as possible, because the stronger emotions basically deepen the groove our thoughts are in. So OrangeDisk's prayer, or a similar calm thought, might help you acknowledge and dismiss the thought. "I hope they figured things out" or "I hope they moved on" or whatever low-key response you can come up with.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:47 PM on December 7, 2022
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:47 PM on December 7, 2022
I think of the monkey trap story, copy/pasted below:
It consists of a gourd or some similar object (perhaps a coconut). You drill a hole just large enough for the monkey’s hand to get through. To add some weight, you would put some sand or pebbles, then you would chain it to a stake. Inside the gourd, you place some food that the monkey would like: rice, nuts, or fruit. Here’s what happens. The monkey sticks a hand through to grab the food, but with his clenched fist, he can’t get his hand out.
If I can let go, I'll be able to get away from this trap (resentment) and move on. But! I don't need to forget about it. The gourd is still there if I ever want to go back and be mad about the situation, I'm able to return and stick my hand back in there, metaphorically. When I find myself in a spiral, I'll sometimes clench my fist, and then release it, and visualize walking away.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:39 AM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
It consists of a gourd or some similar object (perhaps a coconut). You drill a hole just large enough for the monkey’s hand to get through. To add some weight, you would put some sand or pebbles, then you would chain it to a stake. Inside the gourd, you place some food that the monkey would like: rice, nuts, or fruit. Here’s what happens. The monkey sticks a hand through to grab the food, but with his clenched fist, he can’t get his hand out.
If I can let go, I'll be able to get away from this trap (resentment) and move on. But! I don't need to forget about it. The gourd is still there if I ever want to go back and be mad about the situation, I'm able to return and stick my hand back in there, metaphorically. When I find myself in a spiral, I'll sometimes clench my fist, and then release it, and visualize walking away.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:39 AM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
I dealt with it by taking a step back from the (legitimate, longstanding) resentment of my third-form bully to the actual problem I was experiencing, which was perseverating in general.
It occurred to me that my ongoing, hard-held resentment against that long-gone bully, and all of the wishing him ill that I so often indulged in and all of the imagining of him being forced to work some shit job all his miserable life just to be able to eat, was but one example among many of a general pattern: self-retriggering thought loops, some of which would reliably bring on an escalating misery.
So I became interested in my own thought loops as a an object of investigation in and of themselves, and as it turned out, studying them in that way rapidly became far more interesting to me than working through their content.
What are the words you tell yourself or actions you take (distraction?) to help evict them from your thoughts and feelings?
"Huh. Loop."
And then I return my attention, gently and without self-criticism, to whatever I was doing before the thought loop popped up.
I found meditation very useful in strengthening the ability to do this little internal dance promptly and reliably. The form of it that I prefer is centred squarely on exactly that act of noticing distractions, then quietly and gently returning to some pre-decided point of focus. Getting the "quietly, gently" thing to work turned out to be the hardest part for me, but I'm pretty good at it now; it started coming easier when it occurred to me that the furious great ape shrieking for attention in my head and imperiously demanding instant satisfaction for all of its whims was funny.
it seems like the harder you try to push them out, the deeper they dig in.
Yep. And this is a general characteristic of thought loops: treating any particular thought loop as a problem to be solved puts attention onto that loop and reinforces it. I've found that recognizing thought loops in general as a recurring pattern of internal behaviour, and treating any particular loop in exactly the same way as I'd treat any other, doesn't perform that reinforcement to anywhere near the same extent.
That's why I think looking for distractions from thought loops usually works so badly. Treating the loop itself as the distraction - just one kind among the many that our brains create for us on the regular - works better. Trick there is always to have something specific to do, so as always to have something to redirect attention gently back towards. So whenever I don't have something specific to do, I give myself one by deliberately practicing patient waiting.
Again, all this stuff started to come right for me once I took that very first step of wondering whether my habitual thought loops in general, rather than their specific content, were something I should seek to understand the shape of. In hindsight, the answer to that has been a resounding Yes. With the habits I've now built in the light of that understanding, my most unpleasant loops will almost always fray themselves away and fade out in under a month. It's quite a pleasant way to live, and well worth the many years it's taken to teach myself how.
posted by flabdablet at 4:47 AM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
It occurred to me that my ongoing, hard-held resentment against that long-gone bully, and all of the wishing him ill that I so often indulged in and all of the imagining of him being forced to work some shit job all his miserable life just to be able to eat, was but one example among many of a general pattern: self-retriggering thought loops, some of which would reliably bring on an escalating misery.
So I became interested in my own thought loops as a an object of investigation in and of themselves, and as it turned out, studying them in that way rapidly became far more interesting to me than working through their content.
What are the words you tell yourself or actions you take (distraction?) to help evict them from your thoughts and feelings?
"Huh. Loop."
And then I return my attention, gently and without self-criticism, to whatever I was doing before the thought loop popped up.
I found meditation very useful in strengthening the ability to do this little internal dance promptly and reliably. The form of it that I prefer is centred squarely on exactly that act of noticing distractions, then quietly and gently returning to some pre-decided point of focus. Getting the "quietly, gently" thing to work turned out to be the hardest part for me, but I'm pretty good at it now; it started coming easier when it occurred to me that the furious great ape shrieking for attention in my head and imperiously demanding instant satisfaction for all of its whims was funny.
it seems like the harder you try to push them out, the deeper they dig in.
Yep. And this is a general characteristic of thought loops: treating any particular thought loop as a problem to be solved puts attention onto that loop and reinforces it. I've found that recognizing thought loops in general as a recurring pattern of internal behaviour, and treating any particular loop in exactly the same way as I'd treat any other, doesn't perform that reinforcement to anywhere near the same extent.
That's why I think looking for distractions from thought loops usually works so badly. Treating the loop itself as the distraction - just one kind among the many that our brains create for us on the regular - works better. Trick there is always to have something specific to do, so as always to have something to redirect attention gently back towards. So whenever I don't have something specific to do, I give myself one by deliberately practicing patient waiting.
Again, all this stuff started to come right for me once I took that very first step of wondering whether my habitual thought loops in general, rather than their specific content, were something I should seek to understand the shape of. In hindsight, the answer to that has been a resounding Yes. With the habits I've now built in the light of that understanding, my most unpleasant loops will almost always fray themselves away and fade out in under a month. It's quite a pleasant way to live, and well worth the many years it's taken to teach myself how.
posted by flabdablet at 4:47 AM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
I didn't give it enough of a chance to be able to speak from successful experience, but one thing you might want to try is cognitive behavior therapy. Drastically, I'm sure, oversimplified, the idea is that when you get extremely upset about something someone did, you distract your emotions with a series of questions. 'Why am I upset?' seems like a good one to start, and then you determine the answer, and follow *that* up with another question:
-Why am I upset?
-Because I told my partner that I didn't like the thing they said that upset me, and they got defensive instead of apologizing.
-And why did they get defensive?
-Because they always do, when I tell them they've said something that upset me.
-Why do they always react that way?
And on and on. Maybe you end up at an important realization: Your partner has childhood trauma that makes any critique feel like an attack. Or you critique them too often. Or you realize you didn't word things kindly. Or you yourself got upset at an innocuous comment. Mine always seemed to end with me declaring that people 'should' or 'shouldn't' do whatever thing it was, and then having to admit to myself that 'should' is a pretty subjective construct.
Or maybe you don't solve the case. But all the asking and answering in your head took your focus away from your emotional reaction. You can try to solve the issue, or just stop thinking about it, but now you're in control, not just reacting emotionally.
posted by troywestfield at 3:05 PM on December 8, 2022
-Why am I upset?
-Because I told my partner that I didn't like the thing they said that upset me, and they got defensive instead of apologizing.
-And why did they get defensive?
-Because they always do, when I tell them they've said something that upset me.
-Why do they always react that way?
And on and on. Maybe you end up at an important realization: Your partner has childhood trauma that makes any critique feel like an attack. Or you critique them too often. Or you realize you didn't word things kindly. Or you yourself got upset at an innocuous comment. Mine always seemed to end with me declaring that people 'should' or 'shouldn't' do whatever thing it was, and then having to admit to myself that 'should' is a pretty subjective construct.
Or maybe you don't solve the case. But all the asking and answering in your head took your focus away from your emotional reaction. You can try to solve the issue, or just stop thinking about it, but now you're in control, not just reacting emotionally.
posted by troywestfield at 3:05 PM on December 8, 2022
Sometimes even after I've pretty much let go of something, often using some of the techniques listed above, I'll still find myself ruminating on it mostly because it's become a habit. I break that habit by choosing another topic to focus on instead. So every time that $%^# pops into my head, I'll, say, plan out my spring garden instead. After a few weeks it pops into my head a lot less often.
posted by metasarah at 9:25 AM on December 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 9:25 AM on December 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
helpful tip from tiktok (of all places): instead of thinking "@&*#^*@& what is wrong with this person who wronged me!?", you can think "I wonder what terrible things happened in this person's life that they did this to me, I wonder if they're ok?" not necessarily to excuse an abuser, but to reframe your resentment (you are powerless) into pity and understanding (you are powerful).
another helpful thing for me: describe what the person did, then put a laughter emoji after it. finding a real reason to laugh at someone really takes the power away from them; finding a real reason to laugh at yourself can put the resentment into perspective and make it smaller. bonus if you can turn it all into a genuinely funny party story, or at least a bit that you inflict on your therapist.
posted by icosahedron at 7:14 PM on December 26, 2022
another helpful thing for me: describe what the person did, then put a laughter emoji after it. finding a real reason to laugh at someone really takes the power away from them; finding a real reason to laugh at yourself can put the resentment into perspective and make it smaller. bonus if you can turn it all into a genuinely funny party story, or at least a bit that you inflict on your therapist.
posted by icosahedron at 7:14 PM on December 26, 2022
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:35 PM on December 7, 2022