How to acknowledge a hard year

December 5, 2022 10:39 AM

I am a relatively new supervisor in my organization, and someone on my team has had a very difficult year outside of work, with 2023 looking equally hard. I'm struggling with whether to say anything about this in a holiday card to them.

This person (my employee) has a close family member with some significant health issues and this might be their last Christmas together.

I've purchased a thoughtful and appropriate gift for each person on my team, and I've written a note of thanks to each person, except for this person as I am not sure how much, if at all, to acknowledge what is going on with their family member. They have confided in me about it beyond what a person might tell their supervisor. Before becoming their supervisor I would have said I was on friendly terms with them.

I have never known when/how to bring up difficult topics so I am looking for advice. Thank you!

posted by gauche to Work & Money (14 answers total)

Don't write anything you and employee wouldn't be okay with the whole office reading - this is semi-public work communication. Say anything heartfelt in person.

I wouldn't address their family member more directly than wishing them a meaningful holiday season or something along that line.
posted by momus_window at 10:52 AM on December 5, 2022 [5 favorites]

I am that employee this year and knowing I am an object of pity makes it 100x worse in the one part of my life that's an escape from the personal. Praise their work or team-player-ness or whatever, and perhaps your wishes for a better 2023 for the team/org if it's relevant and universal, but please don't include personal messages in a professional holiday card. I don't do my work well in spite of my circumstances; I do my work well period.
posted by headnsouth at 11:18 AM on December 5, 2022 [11 favorites]

Do not address it directly.

I have been in this situation, and what I most appreciated was a vote of confidence that I was still performing my job. I did not want any pity, and on some level I at work I felt very embarrassed or even ashamed about what I was going through. Being reassured that I was still doing great work gave me the opportunity to focus my worry on what what going on in my personal life without the burden of also having to worry that I might lose my job because of it.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:27 AM on December 5, 2022 [4 favorites]

I’ve been that employee.
You are giving them a gift in a professional capacity, so your note should reflect the same. You can certainly warmly wish them well in a general sense and refer to workplace things, but I think it’s best to leave their personal situation out of it.
posted by bookmammal at 11:44 AM on December 5, 2022

Hmm, I guess this probably varies by person. Personally, I find the "professionalism" of workplaces stifling and alienating. If I had divulged personal details to a supervisor, and their holiday card said something like "I appreciate all of the hard work you've done this year, especially given your difficult circumstances" it would make me feel like my manager saw me as a human and not just a work robot. Sure, don't be long-winded about it, but I personally don't see any reason not to acknowledge reality. But that's just me, and I've never meshed well with typical "office culture." I say trust your gut here, given that you describe yourself as on friendly terms with this person - you probably know better than any of us what might be useful for them to hear right now.
posted by coffeecat at 11:57 AM on December 5, 2022 [5 favorites]

Yeah, I think this is a "know this person" sort of question without a right answer. I would rather leap into the sea than receive a message from a coworker alluding to my personal Hard Shit, but that's part of why I share with my coworkers only what is needed for work purposes like coordinating coverage. Someone who is voluntarily sharing with you (regularly, not just as a one-time thing) about their personal stuff is probably less averse than I am to having something nice said about it in a card.

But do assume anything you write might get picked up and read by your nosiest team member.
posted by Stacey at 12:01 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]

You could mention how impressed you are at their ability to navigate through difficult circumstances.
posted by gt2 at 12:07 PM on December 5, 2022 [8 favorites]

For me, I think it would depend on the fact that your employee has told you about their family issues. As always, with most of these kinds of questions, I'm projecting my own reactions, so please take this for what it's worth:

If I were the employee, and had told my boss about my possible last Christmas with my relative, I'd be fine and maybe even touched to see a reference along the lines of "I have been impressed by your dedication in the face of difficult circumstances, and appreciate everything you have continued to do for me and the team."

But, if I had never said anything to my manager, I might be a bit creeped out at the idea that people were talking about me and maybe even pitying me. In that case, I'd probably most welcome reassurance that my presence and performance in the office was still welcome and appreciated.

In both cases, I think it would be best to keep things professionally-focussed and a bit vague, especially if others might see your card. If you want to say anything more personal, do it face-to-face.
posted by rpfields at 12:25 PM on December 5, 2022

I have been in your position and I said something complimentary about the quality of the person’s work “despite the difficult year.” But that worked mostly because his work really was very good.
posted by LizardBreath at 12:26 PM on December 5, 2022 [1 favorite]

I also have been that employee (well, sort of, it happened before Christnas but not a lot).

I'd vote no. I would also not like to hear that my work was great despite the circumstances as that would read to me as "great considering..."

But I'd aim for a warmer tone.
posted by M. at 12:42 PM on December 5, 2022

Response by poster: Thanks everybody. I will keep the personal stuff out of it. I appreciate your input!
posted by gauche at 1:03 PM on December 5, 2022

It really depends on your workplace culture. In our office, it would be awkward if you didn't say anything, but we have a sincere culture of work life balance as well as openly sharing about the things that are complicating maintaining the previous balance, and that culture is shared from top to bottom in the org. Maybe you haven't told everyone in the org, but it's totally normal for those who know to check in with you to make sure you have what you need.
posted by advicepig at 1:54 PM on December 5, 2022

Seconding what advicepig says above: in most places where I've worked it would feel awkward and inhuman not to acknowledge that someone's had a horrible year.

But if you were in that kind of environment, I guess you'd probably already know that and wouldn't be asking this question.
posted by tangerine at 2:30 PM on December 5, 2022

Seconding what advicepig says above: in most places where I've worked it would feel awkward and inhuman not to acknowledge that someone's had a horrible year.

To clarify my own response, I voted against acknowledging that explicitly in the note itself (for similar reasons that other people mentioned above).
I'd rather have received or written an extra warm note but get sympathy /well wishes in person.
posted by M. at 9:54 PM on December 5, 2022