How do you stay sane right after the breakup of an LTR?
December 3, 2022 1:02 PM Subscribe
I'm almost certainly going to be single within the next month or two. We've been together ten years. I know the next part is not going to be a walk in the park but I want to do all I can to make it a soft landing.
I get lonely fairly easily. It could be argued this is some large part of why I'm still in a relationship that has been happy maybe 2/3 of the time and kind of nothing-y or medium-unhappy the rest of the time. (I also know relationships aren't constant bliss.)
I'm thinking about what it's going to be like when I live alone and don't have someone to say hello to (not counting pets, who are good consolation but not enough.) Cohabitation has been a mixed bag but there's something about knowing there will always be someone around that's deeply reassuring. I've just grown very used to the company, and I've come to depend on it.
If you've gone back to living alone after a long relationship and are someone who needs connection, what saved you from feeling rotten most of the time?
I get lonely fairly easily. It could be argued this is some large part of why I'm still in a relationship that has been happy maybe 2/3 of the time and kind of nothing-y or medium-unhappy the rest of the time. (I also know relationships aren't constant bliss.)
I'm thinking about what it's going to be like when I live alone and don't have someone to say hello to (not counting pets, who are good consolation but not enough.) Cohabitation has been a mixed bag but there's something about knowing there will always be someone around that's deeply reassuring. I've just grown very used to the company, and I've come to depend on it.
If you've gone back to living alone after a long relationship and are someone who needs connection, what saved you from feeling rotten most of the time?
Freedom. My space to do whatever I want. Clean how I want. Eat what I want. Rediscovering myself. Looking forward to a better relationship in due time. Working on myself either health, excercise, education, hobbies, career. Being more social and outgoing making new friends.
Learning the lessons from the relationship and not repeating them. Making peace with the past. Cultivating optimism. Being able to fully breathe again. Getting a pet. Playing video games, reading, talking to family. Learning how to truly enjoy life and living.
posted by VyanSelei at 1:14 PM on December 3, 2022 [15 favorites]
Learning the lessons from the relationship and not repeating them. Making peace with the past. Cultivating optimism. Being able to fully breathe again. Getting a pet. Playing video games, reading, talking to family. Learning how to truly enjoy life and living.
posted by VyanSelei at 1:14 PM on December 3, 2022 [15 favorites]
I know it's trite but here's to reminding yourself that it will be hard when you break up, and that you might even feel worse before you feel better. But you have a beautiful, happier life waiting for you that you are now on the path to reaching!! You're right that it's hard but you're also right that you are making the right choice to end things.
I love living alone so much and being single, which is great because I approach dating as a plus rather than a must. Freedom is amazing!! Please start doing things for you, be it trying a new hobby, reconnecting with friends, making new acquaintances through regular activities like a fitness class, adopting a pet (if you don't already have one and are interested) and starting therapy if you aren't already.
A hard time is coming but a beautiful one is coming too. Please give yourself time and space to mourn -- months, years, whatever you need -- and feel all the feels. But as someone so mindful and cautious, you may actually find it easier than initially anticipated.
posted by smorgasbord at 1:20 PM on December 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
I love living alone so much and being single, which is great because I approach dating as a plus rather than a must. Freedom is amazing!! Please start doing things for you, be it trying a new hobby, reconnecting with friends, making new acquaintances through regular activities like a fitness class, adopting a pet (if you don't already have one and are interested) and starting therapy if you aren't already.
A hard time is coming but a beautiful one is coming too. Please give yourself time and space to mourn -- months, years, whatever you need -- and feel all the feels. But as someone so mindful and cautious, you may actually find it easier than initially anticipated.
posted by smorgasbord at 1:20 PM on December 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Also, little rituals that you enjoy by yourself or with others, old and new: drinking your morning beverage while looking out the window, eating your favorite food while watching your favorite show, the joy of feeding your hungry and vocal cat in the morning, an ongoing chat via text with an old friend, stopping for a coffee after work every other Tuesday, finally joining new colleagues for lunch, etc.
posted by smorgasbord at 1:22 PM on December 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 1:22 PM on December 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
There is a very real degree to which it is a numbers game and you just have to put in the days of misery to get to the part where it is marginally less miserable.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:28 PM on December 3, 2022 [20 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:28 PM on December 3, 2022 [20 favorites]
I have a friend with whom I send and receive voice messages about our days "this guy in the supermarket did the funniest thing" "my co-worker was rude to me" "I'm worried about my mum" etc type stories, and we back and forth but don't have to reply in real time, and it's nice because I always have someone to tell about my day and someone's day to find out about. I also have a few whatsapp chats with other friends that we message in each day.
Don't suddenly reach out to one of your single friends, cos they'll feel used, but not having all your eggs in the one basket in terms of getting your connection needs met is important, and might as well start now.
posted by Chrysalis at 1:31 PM on December 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
Don't suddenly reach out to one of your single friends, cos they'll feel used, but not having all your eggs in the one basket in terms of getting your connection needs met is important, and might as well start now.
posted by Chrysalis at 1:31 PM on December 3, 2022 [7 favorites]
it's never too soon to break up with the wrong person. a mindfulness meditation can bring you to a point of great gratitude for the quiet.
posted by j_curiouser at 2:31 PM on December 3, 2022
posted by j_curiouser at 2:31 PM on December 3, 2022
Make a list or the things you like to do, or might want to do, of activities which would usually require a live-in partner's buy-in? Paint/redecorate in your favorite colors; plan a trip; invite houseguests; throw parties; fill the house with music; keep odd hours now and then; binge-watch the show only you like; change all the cleaning products to a scent you really like; re-arrange the art and the furniture; take long baths; start an involved project that ties up the dining table, spills into a corner, and occupies a full room of the apartment for a spell. Seconding volunteering
Re: getting lonely fairly easily. I put invite houseguests and throw parties above, but consider hosting a regular meeting or potluck for a group, or committing to a recurring night out (or in) with a friend or two to stay connected.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:57 PM on December 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Re: getting lonely fairly easily. I put invite houseguests and throw parties above, but consider hosting a regular meeting or potluck for a group, or committing to a recurring night out (or in) with a friend or two to stay connected.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:57 PM on December 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
I very much enjoy the no compromises part of being single. Doing what you want, when you want, and not having to listen to anyone else re: those things is so amazingly freeing. Want to go to the same restaurant 3 times in a week? Great, go! Want to leave your bra wherever you take it off? OK! Nobody's going to be bothered.
Definitely lean on friends during this time. They'll be there for you.
You'll be ok. This sucks now, but you'll be a lot happier in the long run.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 3:43 PM on December 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Definitely lean on friends during this time. They'll be there for you.
You'll be ok. This sucks now, but you'll be a lot happier in the long run.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 3:43 PM on December 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
When I had a twenty-year marriage break up six years back, married couple friends were wonderful — I had two sets who really looked after me for the first hard year or so. Have you got anyone like that you can reach out to?
posted by LizardBreath at 4:36 PM on December 3, 2022
posted by LizardBreath at 4:36 PM on December 3, 2022
If it is feasible for you and your body, sign up for a class in dancing or yoga or hula-hooping or aerial silks or figure skating or rock climbing - something that will 1) use your body, but focusing on fun, rather than gainzzzz, and 2) put you in the company of other people doing the same thing, without pressure to socialize. Movement and breath and learning something new in the company of others is perhaps the most powerful medicine I know for both re-connecting with self and loosening the grip on that self to feel the joy of the greater whole. Sending you care.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:18 PM on December 3, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:18 PM on December 3, 2022 [6 favorites]
If you can afford it, regular massage. Get some touch and human care without the complexities of casual sex etc
posted by Chrysalis at 8:29 PM on December 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 8:29 PM on December 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
It is exceptionally hard to lose the comfort of routinized physical proximity to someone with whom you've been in a long term relationship. Immersing yourself in a rewarding, new physical routine and sense of security can be tremendously helpful. "Come home" to a new routine that includes a walk, a comforting meal, close physical proximity with friends or other caregivers (the suggestion for a massage is very good), a sport with physical contact or interaction. "Wake up to" something similar. When I ended a very long term relationship it kept me going sometimes just to undertake a set of physical acts each morning that I written down: go outside, breathe in the air, write down what you hear and see, drink water, then coffee, make breakfast, make sure you hear the sound of another human voice within an hour or two. It's a physical loss that needs to be replenished.
posted by desert exile at 9:43 PM on December 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by desert exile at 9:43 PM on December 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Seconding regular massage. Also, I took myself out to dinner once a week and sat / ate at the bar. Always someone new and interesting to talk to!
posted by hapax_legomenon at 1:44 AM on December 4, 2022
posted by hapax_legomenon at 1:44 AM on December 4, 2022
A truth that people will tell you, and you will probably not want to hear, but you need to remember even if only as a tiny voice that stays in the back of your mind—this shall pass. It seems unbelievable in the moment, but there will be a time in the future when it simply won't hurt any longer. Your brain evolved to adapt to changing social relationships. It might take a long time, but there it will be (my decade plus relationship needed about a year and a half before it wasn't the thing that dominated my thoughts every day).
In the meantime, I got into therapy, and mindfulness/meditation, and bicycling. Being outdoors as much as possible was my salve.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:45 AM on December 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
In the meantime, I got into therapy, and mindfulness/meditation, and bicycling. Being outdoors as much as possible was my salve.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:45 AM on December 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I just went through this. It was actually my first time living alone ever, so there was some excitement but also worry that i would feel lonely. A couple of things that I think helps:
- my place is small. it’s physically not a huge amount of space to feel too empty in, and i made effort to make it cozy. i have string lights, plants, cute decorations, all the cozy elements that make the place feel like a warm hug.
- i chose a location that is down the street from friends as well as bars and coffee shops that i frequent. i’ve made friends w the bartenders at this point, and many nights when i was struggling, this place became my extended living room. i dont recommend leaning on alcohol though.
- experiment w new hobbies. i signed up for intro classes and tried new things. you might find something that will stick and can take up more of your energy and time. also a good way to …
- meet new people! i think the key really is to add more new elements to your life. new people, new friends can show you there’s more out there, more to experience, when it’s so easy to feel like you will never get past the pain, but you will.
posted by monologish at 7:10 AM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
- my place is small. it’s physically not a huge amount of space to feel too empty in, and i made effort to make it cozy. i have string lights, plants, cute decorations, all the cozy elements that make the place feel like a warm hug.
- i chose a location that is down the street from friends as well as bars and coffee shops that i frequent. i’ve made friends w the bartenders at this point, and many nights when i was struggling, this place became my extended living room. i dont recommend leaning on alcohol though.
- experiment w new hobbies. i signed up for intro classes and tried new things. you might find something that will stick and can take up more of your energy and time. also a good way to …
- meet new people! i think the key really is to add more new elements to your life. new people, new friends can show you there’s more out there, more to experience, when it’s so easy to feel like you will never get past the pain, but you will.
posted by monologish at 7:10 AM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
So, practical advice, because when things finally go down, it will be a lot to do and process at once. Having a plan for these couple of things went a long way to keeping me from feeling stuck and terrible in the immediate aftermath and made sure I had a place to land where I could sow happiness for myself.
1) Once you are on your own, is there somewhere in particular you want to live? Do you want to move to be nearer friends, family, work? Think about this now and scout out some options. Apartments are fine. Do some learning, maybe keep a google document or something with information that will be useful - names of places you want to live, the addresses, any costs associated with moving in, etc.
2) Decide what of the shared stuff you really want and what you're willing to let go. Some of the stuff none of you will want, some of it both of you might. Having a loose mental idea of what is actually meaningful to you and what you care about is good. Like if you put a lot of effort into finding the exact right mattress, maybe you want that instead of having to buy one again. Maybe all the cookery reminds you of your STB-ex and you don't want any of it.
After the practicalities of your physical space -- reconnect now with friends you may have lost touch with. Hit them up on Facebook or Insta or text message or whatever and set up friend dates if that is possible. Reactivate those connections sooner rather than later.
posted by Medieval Maven at 1:02 PM on December 4, 2022
1) Once you are on your own, is there somewhere in particular you want to live? Do you want to move to be nearer friends, family, work? Think about this now and scout out some options. Apartments are fine. Do some learning, maybe keep a google document or something with information that will be useful - names of places you want to live, the addresses, any costs associated with moving in, etc.
2) Decide what of the shared stuff you really want and what you're willing to let go. Some of the stuff none of you will want, some of it both of you might. Having a loose mental idea of what is actually meaningful to you and what you care about is good. Like if you put a lot of effort into finding the exact right mattress, maybe you want that instead of having to buy one again. Maybe all the cookery reminds you of your STB-ex and you don't want any of it.
After the practicalities of your physical space -- reconnect now with friends you may have lost touch with. Hit them up on Facebook or Insta or text message or whatever and set up friend dates if that is possible. Reactivate those connections sooner rather than later.
posted by Medieval Maven at 1:02 PM on December 4, 2022
One of the best things I did for myself was writing a list of the reasons why I no longer wanted to be partnered with the person. I knew I might get wobbly afterwards. When I did, reviewing the list reminded me of the genuinely good reasons I had for becoming single again. Because I had some advance notice (I instigated the break up), I went to my physical therapist and explained that I was about to go through a really stressful period and asked for her advice. She recommended a somatic therapist in her practice. I don’t know how it worked or why it worked, but seeing that person maybe six times or eight times helped lower my stress level. So did finding a regular therapist just for the first three months. I am not sorry I left that relationship. It was undeniably hard. But I have a much better life as a result. Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:05 PM on December 5, 2022
posted by Bella Donna at 2:05 PM on December 5, 2022
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posted by akk2014 at 1:13 PM on December 3, 2022 [12 favorites]