Is it selfish being exhausted from my boyfriend's dog?
November 28, 2022 7:26 AM Subscribe
I want to point out that I love animals and one of my most significant hobbies is rescuing and fostering abandoned animals from the street and nurture them til they are ready for adoption. I appreciate and value history I have with each animal that was living with me, even short term. I kept two street cats, both are still rather timid, and I have my own shepherd dog; he is still an adolescent boy and learning but he is overall a well rounded, healthy boy.
As I am in my 30s and meeting new people can be a challenge, I started seeing a guy about half a year ago; he has his own almost 4 year old dog, tiny and cute. The problem is however that due to his 13 hour long work shifts 3-4 times a week, he is not capable to take care of a dog. Before that, his ex was taking care of the dog and she still is, when I am not available but I basically became a dog daycare. I will be honest, i considered getting a second dog or keeping one of the fosters, but something matching to my dog and my lifestyle.
He got his dog from a puppy mill and the puppy - which is now a 3kg adult dog - came with all sorts of health issues, has to be on a very strict diet, cannot hold urine for more than 4 hours and occasionally still pees/poops indoors, usually on furniture. Cannot handle long walks, has frequent infections, flareups, underwent multiple surgeries already and they still keep coming, not to mention severe separation anxiety. I cannot even leave a room or shower without the dog trying to force a way in.
That being said it is a dog with hunting instinct who tried to have a little bite at my cats already; gently but still. My boyfriend granted she never hurt a cat as they are bigger, although she was almost never exposed to them; she did try to bite the hamster. I am therefore not confident that I am able to foster any longer as this can result in some really bad situations. My cats are way less relaxed in the presence of the dog and it is the only dog who actually climbs the stairs to reach the upper floor where cats are (and the cat food...).
I insisted on her sleeping in her own bed at least as she did not handle that either, she always needs to be at the human (first night staying over, my boyfriend said: the dog needs to sleep in bed). She also destroys every toy of my dog if she can reach it and shreds it to pieces and cant handle long walks so he and my dog need to be walked separately.
I have been working with her for quite a while and the behavior improved, however i am facing some chronic health issues or travel home sometimes and am not able to watch her at all times. His only (free) option is his ex, but she refuses to give the dog any boundaries which means as the dog comes back to me, she is back at the jumping, loud, separation anxiety phase. The worst thing so far is also that I was not able to untrain her from making a lot of noise when my boyfriend comes home at early morning hours and that basically means sleeping time is over for me as I start working a few hours later. My boyfriend is however not comfortable with letting her sleep in another room so the barking would not pierce my ears in the early night, he feels bad about it though.
You can see how I really need to plan my life around it, but since I work from home and we are considering moving to my place anyway...this would be my life one way or the other, right? I am worried it would affect my mood, mental health and sleep on a regular basis and strain the relationship as I am quite burnt out already... On the other hand I feel like a non-accepting selfish a-hole and am too afraid to ask such a thing in real life, as it would probably get plenty of judgement
.
Any opinion appreciated!
As I am in my 30s and meeting new people can be a challenge, I started seeing a guy about half a year ago; he has his own almost 4 year old dog, tiny and cute. The problem is however that due to his 13 hour long work shifts 3-4 times a week, he is not capable to take care of a dog. Before that, his ex was taking care of the dog and she still is, when I am not available but I basically became a dog daycare. I will be honest, i considered getting a second dog or keeping one of the fosters, but something matching to my dog and my lifestyle.
He got his dog from a puppy mill and the puppy - which is now a 3kg adult dog - came with all sorts of health issues, has to be on a very strict diet, cannot hold urine for more than 4 hours and occasionally still pees/poops indoors, usually on furniture. Cannot handle long walks, has frequent infections, flareups, underwent multiple surgeries already and they still keep coming, not to mention severe separation anxiety. I cannot even leave a room or shower without the dog trying to force a way in.
That being said it is a dog with hunting instinct who tried to have a little bite at my cats already; gently but still. My boyfriend granted she never hurt a cat as they are bigger, although she was almost never exposed to them; she did try to bite the hamster. I am therefore not confident that I am able to foster any longer as this can result in some really bad situations. My cats are way less relaxed in the presence of the dog and it is the only dog who actually climbs the stairs to reach the upper floor where cats are (and the cat food...).
I insisted on her sleeping in her own bed at least as she did not handle that either, she always needs to be at the human (first night staying over, my boyfriend said: the dog needs to sleep in bed). She also destroys every toy of my dog if she can reach it and shreds it to pieces and cant handle long walks so he and my dog need to be walked separately.
I have been working with her for quite a while and the behavior improved, however i am facing some chronic health issues or travel home sometimes and am not able to watch her at all times. His only (free) option is his ex, but she refuses to give the dog any boundaries which means as the dog comes back to me, she is back at the jumping, loud, separation anxiety phase. The worst thing so far is also that I was not able to untrain her from making a lot of noise when my boyfriend comes home at early morning hours and that basically means sleeping time is over for me as I start working a few hours later. My boyfriend is however not comfortable with letting her sleep in another room so the barking would not pierce my ears in the early night, he feels bad about it though.
You can see how I really need to plan my life around it, but since I work from home and we are considering moving to my place anyway...this would be my life one way or the other, right? I am worried it would affect my mood, mental health and sleep on a regular basis and strain the relationship as I am quite burnt out already... On the other hand I feel like a non-accepting selfish a-hole and am too afraid to ask such a thing in real life, as it would probably get plenty of judgement
.
Any opinion appreciated!
Maybe during the move-in discussions, when you are talking about joint finances (you are going to talk about joint finances, right?) you can bring up budgeting for doggy daycare. This will not change or get better if you do not make it a condition moving forward.
This seems like a major relationship issue to me, honestly. Do not move in with a [partner whose] dog will affect your sleep and wellbeing.
My biases showing: my mother-in-law has a small dog from a puppy mill who has health problems, and recently when she was traveling she called to say the dog wasn't doing well at the boarders, and could we take her for the remainder of her time away? The dog proceeded to have diarrhea on a rug, to refuse her meds, to refuse to eat, to pee indoors (on pads) routinely, to wake us up in the middle of the night. Not sustainable, and after she left my partner and I confirmed to each other that we will not host the dog again - it's not her fault, but we just can't live that way. People rarely train their small dogs, I've noticed, as if they are not really dogs but actually cute decorative toys, and for terrier breeds this means you end up with aggressive, fearful, barky creatures who are not housebroken.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 7:41 AM on November 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
This seems like a major relationship issue to me, honestly. Do not move in with a [partner whose] dog will affect your sleep and wellbeing.
My biases showing: my mother-in-law has a small dog from a puppy mill who has health problems, and recently when she was traveling she called to say the dog wasn't doing well at the boarders, and could we take her for the remainder of her time away? The dog proceeded to have diarrhea on a rug, to refuse her meds, to refuse to eat, to pee indoors (on pads) routinely, to wake us up in the middle of the night. Not sustainable, and after she left my partner and I confirmed to each other that we will not host the dog again - it's not her fault, but we just can't live that way. People rarely train their small dogs, I've noticed, as if they are not really dogs but actually cute decorative toys, and for terrier breeds this means you end up with aggressive, fearful, barky creatures who are not housebroken.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 7:41 AM on November 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
Oh no, that sounds so difficult! I am guessing he paid for all the vet bills, etc and probably wants to do the right thing, but he is not being a good dog owner and he is taking advantage of your kindness. If not doggy day care - and I'm not sure you could find one to take this dog, then can you insist he hire a dog trainer to get this dog under control?
I suggest you get this settled before cohabitating. Ideally you could just give this dog to the ex. He has to understand what is going on now is not sustainable, and its also not fair to your other pets. You have gone above and beyond, and he needs to take responsibility for this dog.
Also: My boyfriend is however not comfortable with letting her sleep in another room
At the expense of your own sleep? No, not acceptable!
You are not selfish.
posted by Glinn at 7:56 AM on November 28, 2022 [21 favorites]
I suggest you get this settled before cohabitating. Ideally you could just give this dog to the ex. He has to understand what is going on now is not sustainable, and its also not fair to your other pets. You have gone above and beyond, and he needs to take responsibility for this dog.
Also: My boyfriend is however not comfortable with letting her sleep in another room
At the expense of your own sleep? No, not acceptable!
You are not selfish.
posted by Glinn at 7:56 AM on November 28, 2022 [21 favorites]
Now is a good time to learn to say No. You have been super-generous of your tme, but your BF has a pet that he is unwilling and unable to train or care for. This is not actually kind to a pet; dogs need, want, and enjoy structure and boundaries. Your cats are stressed, your home is peed and pooped on, you can't get good sleep.
The dog could be crated in a good-sized crate, with a box for coziness, lots of newspaper and pee pads for longer periods. BF could hire a dog walker. You could get a gate to separate the dog and cats. The dog could live part-time with the ex, which will harm training, but give you a respite.
If you don't set boundaries around an untrained, badly-behaved, destructive dog, what other boundaries will and won't you set/ enforce? You are not being selfish at all; you have cared for and trained this dog way more than he has. Has he paid this dog's expenses or have you shared them? Please set way more boundaries, enforce, them, and reclaim your life and your home. BF and his dog are walking all over you and your pets; it's not fair or healthy. I don't recommend living with someone who doesn't remotely respect your home, your needs, maybe you.
posted by theora55 at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2022 [14 favorites]
The dog could be crated in a good-sized crate, with a box for coziness, lots of newspaper and pee pads for longer periods. BF could hire a dog walker. You could get a gate to separate the dog and cats. The dog could live part-time with the ex, which will harm training, but give you a respite.
If you don't set boundaries around an untrained, badly-behaved, destructive dog, what other boundaries will and won't you set/ enforce? You are not being selfish at all; you have cared for and trained this dog way more than he has. Has he paid this dog's expenses or have you shared them? Please set way more boundaries, enforce, them, and reclaim your life and your home. BF and his dog are walking all over you and your pets; it's not fair or healthy. I don't recommend living with someone who doesn't remotely respect your home, your needs, maybe you.
posted by theora55 at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2022 [14 favorites]
I started seeing a guy about half a year ago
At 6 months into a relationship this is way too much commitment to his dog. Give him a couple of week's notice that he needs doggy daycare or whatever other solution.
If your pets don't combine well then please don't plan to live together.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:06 AM on November 28, 2022 [53 favorites]
At 6 months into a relationship this is way too much commitment to his dog. Give him a couple of week's notice that he needs doggy daycare or whatever other solution.
If your pets don't combine well then please don't plan to live together.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:06 AM on November 28, 2022 [53 favorites]
You’ve only been seeing each other six months? This is not good. Have you said no to this? Why doesn’t he hire a dog walker? You are not obligated to do any of this. This is pretty bad for such a new relationship too.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:08 AM on November 28, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 8:08 AM on November 28, 2022 [12 favorites]
If the dog is safe and happy with the ex, it seems that would be the best place for her to live full-time. Your boyfriend can offer to contribute to food and vet care expenses and spend time with the dog during his time off of work.
posted by mezzanayne at 8:09 AM on November 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by mezzanayne at 8:09 AM on November 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
Please stop letting this dog be your problem.
"Can we make some time to talk? I need to check in about Fido." [give him a reasonable interval to schedule this convo - a few days max.].
"I really like you and I like Fido, but I've fallen into caring for Fido in a way I've realized doesn't feel right to me. I wasn't ready to be a dog owner and Fido is taking up a lot more of my time and energy than works for me. I'm happy to go for walks with you and Fido on the weekends, but I can't watch him or take care of him during the week anymore. And I need a different solution to the morning barking so I can sleep. Can we brainstorm some ideas that will let me have quiet in the morning when you get home?"
Don't hedge. Don't apologize. Don't argue.
posted by latkes at 8:22 AM on November 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
"Can we make some time to talk? I need to check in about Fido." [give him a reasonable interval to schedule this convo - a few days max.].
"I really like you and I like Fido, but I've fallen into caring for Fido in a way I've realized doesn't feel right to me. I wasn't ready to be a dog owner and Fido is taking up a lot more of my time and energy than works for me. I'm happy to go for walks with you and Fido on the weekends, but I can't watch him or take care of him during the week anymore. And I need a different solution to the morning barking so I can sleep. Can we brainstorm some ideas that will let me have quiet in the morning when you get home?"
Don't hedge. Don't apologize. Don't argue.
posted by latkes at 8:22 AM on November 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
A dog who tried to bite my own pets, however gently and playfully, would not be a dog I would move in with. That alone would be reason to pump the brakes hard on any moving-in plans. On top of that, this is a poorly trained dog with health issues you did not sign up for who disrupts your work, leisure, sleep and travel - every single aspect of your life, basically.
I absolutely get why you feel terrible, but you have taken on far more of the burden of raising this dog than is healthy, necessary, or appropriate six months into a new relationship. It would not be at all selfish of you to put some boundaries around this. Your boyfriend needs to find, and appropriately compensate, a dog walker and a dog trainer that he works with on his own time.
Six months would be pretty early to move in with someone no matter what, and with this extra layer of realization that you've ended up really enmeshed in doing his work for him in a way that severely negatively impacts your own life, I encourage you to take a big step back and look at how you got here and whether you are ignoring your own needs in any other ways that are going to come back to bite you if you move in together. Maybe it really is just this - god knows as pet lovers our instincts are strong to love and care for the animals in our lives! - but it's worth re-checking the big picture to figure out if this really is the only issue.
posted by Stacey at 8:56 AM on November 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
I absolutely get why you feel terrible, but you have taken on far more of the burden of raising this dog than is healthy, necessary, or appropriate six months into a new relationship. It would not be at all selfish of you to put some boundaries around this. Your boyfriend needs to find, and appropriately compensate, a dog walker and a dog trainer that he works with on his own time.
Six months would be pretty early to move in with someone no matter what, and with this extra layer of realization that you've ended up really enmeshed in doing his work for him in a way that severely negatively impacts your own life, I encourage you to take a big step back and look at how you got here and whether you are ignoring your own needs in any other ways that are going to come back to bite you if you move in together. Maybe it really is just this - god knows as pet lovers our instincts are strong to love and care for the animals in our lives! - but it's worth re-checking the big picture to figure out if this really is the only issue.
posted by Stacey at 8:56 AM on November 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
Stop allowing his dog in your house. It is super unfair to your existing pets to inflict that abuse on them. Do not allow the dog back into your house unless/until it is trained.
Honestly, you should probably just dump him. Not only is he a bad dog owner (indicative of poor character) but pressuring you into providing free doggy daycare also makes him a bad boyfriend.
The entire situation sounds completely unlivable.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:00 AM on November 28, 2022 [37 favorites]
Honestly, you should probably just dump him. Not only is he a bad dog owner (indicative of poor character) but pressuring you into providing free doggy daycare also makes him a bad boyfriend.
The entire situation sounds completely unlivable.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:00 AM on November 28, 2022 [37 favorites]
In this case, it's easy to join the chorus here - do not agree to cohabitate until this gets resolved. It's not fair to you, your dog, or your cats.
I also consider this to be a bit of a red flag - when my partner and I moved in together, I did all the pet care (the cats were mine) - eventually the cats started to be less my pets and more our pets, but that happened organically over years of living together. I would never foist this sort of responsibility on someone I had just started dating! Certainly not a dog as difficult as this one (I agree with SaltySalticid - this was exhausting just to read).
posted by coffeecat at 9:15 AM on November 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
I also consider this to be a bit of a red flag - when my partner and I moved in together, I did all the pet care (the cats were mine) - eventually the cats started to be less my pets and more our pets, but that happened organically over years of living together. I would never foist this sort of responsibility on someone I had just started dating! Certainly not a dog as difficult as this one (I agree with SaltySalticid - this was exhausting just to read).
posted by coffeecat at 9:15 AM on November 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
On the other hand I feel like a non-accepting selfish a-hole and am too afraid to ask such a thing in real life, as it would probably get plenty of judgement
Judgment from whom??? Your boyfriend? If he'd judge you for not wanting his untrained pain-in-the-ass dog to ruin your life and house then he's hardly worth keeping around.
Lord almighty, this just all sounds like a crap situation and like moving in is a terrible idea, and definitely not like a normal thing for a six-month relationship. It sounds, frankly, a little like you think that being "in your 30s" means you just have to put up with whatever?? You...do not.
For comparison: I've been with my partner for over two years now and I've only JUST started taking on a decent share of care for the dog he brought to the relationship. It's been a gradual ramp-up. At six months the dog was most certainly HIS dog -- I would take her for walks when he was sick, sure, or dogsit her for a day when he moved house, but it was like, a huge favor for which I was amply thanked!
Now, a couple years in, sure--she's "our" dog, basically; I go along for vet appointments and we split up the walks, I know how to give her her meds. If my partner needed help with her medical costs or whatnot I would happily help; he's never asked. (We don't live together, we don't mix finances.) She knows me as her Other Human and is as comfortable at my house as at his. But that was a long, slow process, and always with my full explicit buy-in.
Look, I get that this all feels a little like a judgment on the dog, but it isn't. It's a judgment on the dog's owners. The dog has been failed by both its humans, and that's terrible, but you can't fix that. And maybe you should think twice, as a pet lover and responsible, conscientious pet-keeper, about mixing your life with someone who is NONE of those things.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:36 AM on November 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
Judgment from whom??? Your boyfriend? If he'd judge you for not wanting his untrained pain-in-the-ass dog to ruin your life and house then he's hardly worth keeping around.
Lord almighty, this just all sounds like a crap situation and like moving in is a terrible idea, and definitely not like a normal thing for a six-month relationship. It sounds, frankly, a little like you think that being "in your 30s" means you just have to put up with whatever?? You...do not.
For comparison: I've been with my partner for over two years now and I've only JUST started taking on a decent share of care for the dog he brought to the relationship. It's been a gradual ramp-up. At six months the dog was most certainly HIS dog -- I would take her for walks when he was sick, sure, or dogsit her for a day when he moved house, but it was like, a huge favor for which I was amply thanked!
Now, a couple years in, sure--she's "our" dog, basically; I go along for vet appointments and we split up the walks, I know how to give her her meds. If my partner needed help with her medical costs or whatnot I would happily help; he's never asked. (We don't live together, we don't mix finances.) She knows me as her Other Human and is as comfortable at my house as at his. But that was a long, slow process, and always with my full explicit buy-in.
Look, I get that this all feels a little like a judgment on the dog, but it isn't. It's a judgment on the dog's owners. The dog has been failed by both its humans, and that's terrible, but you can't fix that. And maybe you should think twice, as a pet lover and responsible, conscientious pet-keeper, about mixing your life with someone who is NONE of those things.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:36 AM on November 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
DTMFA. The guy and the dog. This is a guy who knows full well all of these problems, and is comfortably leaving them to you? No. And that's before I got to the part about not letting you sleep.
People's approach to pets is a projection of their approach to other humans.
This guy will not nurture you or your relationship - he will dump problems on you and expect you to foster them. I feel kind of sorry for this dog, who has been failed, but much worse for you. There's no future here, people dumping on you absolutely does not need to be "your life one way or the other."
Your kindness in fostering animals deserves much much better returns.
posted by Dashy at 9:49 AM on November 28, 2022 [18 favorites]
People's approach to pets is a projection of their approach to other humans.
This guy will not nurture you or your relationship - he will dump problems on you and expect you to foster them. I feel kind of sorry for this dog, who has been failed, but much worse for you. There's no future here, people dumping on you absolutely does not need to be "your life one way or the other."
Your kindness in fostering animals deserves much much better returns.
posted by Dashy at 9:49 AM on November 28, 2022 [18 favorites]
“The problem is however that due to his 13 hour long work shifts 3-4 times a week, he is not capable to take care of a dog.”
Yeah, that is for sure a problem. His problem. I would be all, oh hell no. You don’t have to convince us that you love animals just because you do not want to be the free doggy daycare person that you have become for the rest of your life. And this bullshit about having your sleep destroyed by this dog. What a nightmare!
You are not selfish because this dog is exhausting. This dog is exhausting. That is not your fault. You have allowed it to become your problem. But it should not be your problem. Please put the responsibility back where it belongs. Tell your boyfriend he needs to solve the problem in a way that does not rely on you or ruin your sleep. This is generally not a problem the two of you have got to resolve together. It is on that guy to fix, you have not had boundaries and you need to put some in place ASAP or this is only gonna get worse. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:04 AM on November 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
Yeah, that is for sure a problem. His problem. I would be all, oh hell no. You don’t have to convince us that you love animals just because you do not want to be the free doggy daycare person that you have become for the rest of your life. And this bullshit about having your sleep destroyed by this dog. What a nightmare!
You are not selfish because this dog is exhausting. This dog is exhausting. That is not your fault. You have allowed it to become your problem. But it should not be your problem. Please put the responsibility back where it belongs. Tell your boyfriend he needs to solve the problem in a way that does not rely on you or ruin your sleep. This is generally not a problem the two of you have got to resolve together. It is on that guy to fix, you have not had boundaries and you need to put some in place ASAP or this is only gonna get worse. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:04 AM on November 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
A friend of mine was living with someone who got a working dog puppy during the pandemic. The housemate was home a lot and was able to work with the dog, but he was in a bit over his head. He had grand plans of training her to work, but it never really panned out, especially when he went back to work more often.
He started relying on my friend for dog care. My friend was working from home. My friend does not love dogs, and did not adore this dog's energy in particular. They never really made a formal agreement, but the housemate also never really arranged for any other care. He was attentive to the dog when home, but he expected his housemate to let the dog out and give her care at certain times. This dog is great (I say as a dog lover), but I could see how exhausting it would be to be responsible for her care when you never really agreed to it or signed up for it.
These two, friends and housemates for more than a decade, no longer live together. It's not exactly because of the dog, but this issue simmering under the surface certainly didn't help. My friend really did not want to take of the dog but never said so directly. They are still friends, but it took a big toll on their friendship.
I think you are being the opposite of selfish. I don't know if you aren't asserting your needs, or you are and your boyfriend is ignoring them. But this is the part that's saddest to me:
this would be my life one way or the other, right? I am worried it would affect my mood, mental health and sleep on a regular basis and strain the relationship as I am quite burnt out already
At six months in, it's pretty awful to be burnt out! You are dating a man who uses girlfriends for dog care and has never had to take full responsibility for his dog. If you want this relationship to continue, it's time to communicate to him that he needs to make alternative arrangements. But it's also okay to end the relationship if you are also burnt out on him.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:16 AM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
He started relying on my friend for dog care. My friend was working from home. My friend does not love dogs, and did not adore this dog's energy in particular. They never really made a formal agreement, but the housemate also never really arranged for any other care. He was attentive to the dog when home, but he expected his housemate to let the dog out and give her care at certain times. This dog is great (I say as a dog lover), but I could see how exhausting it would be to be responsible for her care when you never really agreed to it or signed up for it.
These two, friends and housemates for more than a decade, no longer live together. It's not exactly because of the dog, but this issue simmering under the surface certainly didn't help. My friend really did not want to take of the dog but never said so directly. They are still friends, but it took a big toll on their friendship.
I think you are being the opposite of selfish. I don't know if you aren't asserting your needs, or you are and your boyfriend is ignoring them. But this is the part that's saddest to me:
this would be my life one way or the other, right? I am worried it would affect my mood, mental health and sleep on a regular basis and strain the relationship as I am quite burnt out already
At six months in, it's pretty awful to be burnt out! You are dating a man who uses girlfriends for dog care and has never had to take full responsibility for his dog. If you want this relationship to continue, it's time to communicate to him that he needs to make alternative arrangements. But it's also okay to end the relationship if you are also burnt out on him.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:16 AM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
The dog is 4 years old, right? And you're burnt out after six months.
Small dogs live a long time. If you stay with this guy, you could be in for 10 or 11 more years of this.
Just food for thought.
posted by Pallas Athena at 11:30 AM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Small dogs live a long time. If you stay with this guy, you could be in for 10 or 11 more years of this.
Just food for thought.
posted by Pallas Athena at 11:30 AM on November 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
You ask if you are being selfish but I think the answer is that your boyfriend is being selfish.
posted by mcduff at 12:01 PM on November 28, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 12:01 PM on November 28, 2022 [10 favorites]
You already promised to take care of your cats. They come first, and they said no.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 2:58 PM on November 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Ms Vegetable at 2:58 PM on November 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
This reminds me of the post from a single Dad asking how to get his girlfriend of less than a year to take over making appointments and speaking with the daycare about his kid.
If telling your boyfriend that you can no longer dog-sit is a deal-breaker for the boyfriend you are safe letting that one break. The alternative is not a happy relationship in the long-term. If he values the dog's sleep more than yours? Consider how you would react if he told you one of your pets woke him up constantly all night. I can't see from this post you telling him to shove it like he's telling you. You appear to be deeply caring and nurturing and you deserve a partner that treats you the same way.
posted by Dynex at 4:06 PM on November 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
If telling your boyfriend that you can no longer dog-sit is a deal-breaker for the boyfriend you are safe letting that one break. The alternative is not a happy relationship in the long-term. If he values the dog's sleep more than yours? Consider how you would react if he told you one of your pets woke him up constantly all night. I can't see from this post you telling him to shove it like he's telling you. You appear to be deeply caring and nurturing and you deserve a partner that treats you the same way.
posted by Dynex at 4:06 PM on November 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
I just wanna re-emphasize this from bluedaisy's excellent comment:
You are dating a man who uses girlfriends for dog care
To me this is a red flag and I would make me wonder what other things does he dump on women, whether thinkingly or unthinkingly. Cooking? Cleaning? Childcare? Scheduling and maintaining social obligations? Not sure this guy is partner material.
posted by misskaz at 4:29 PM on November 28, 2022 [16 favorites]
You are dating a man who uses girlfriends for dog care
To me this is a red flag and I would make me wonder what other things does he dump on women, whether thinkingly or unthinkingly. Cooking? Cleaning? Childcare? Scheduling and maintaining social obligations? Not sure this guy is partner material.
posted by misskaz at 4:29 PM on November 28, 2022 [16 favorites]
Even before I clicked into "more inside" I could predict exactly what was going on: you are not being selfish, HE is being selfish. He is treating you like free help and taking advantage of your empathy. This will only get worse if you move in together - he's still using his ex for dog care and I bet if you talked to her, he probably always did this and has just transferred the care responsibility from her to you. Giant, giant red flag. I think both the dog and the boyfriend need to be re-homed.
The sleep thing is also ridiculous - it sounds like you're a new mom whose partner won't help take care of the new baby. Please run and don't look back.
posted by urbanlenny at 5:47 PM on November 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
The sleep thing is also ridiculous - it sounds like you're a new mom whose partner won't help take care of the new baby. Please run and don't look back.
posted by urbanlenny at 5:47 PM on November 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
You have your own place? Take your animals and run there!
You're only 6 months in and this sounds awful, will likely get worse.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 9:07 PM on November 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
You're only 6 months in and this sounds awful, will likely get worse.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 9:07 PM on November 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
it sounds like you're cohabiting already. Or is he bringing the dog to your house?
He shouldn't be bringing his exhausting dog to your house and you for sure shouldn't move in with this exhausting dog. JFC.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:29 PM on November 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
He shouldn't be bringing his exhausting dog to your house and you for sure shouldn't move in with this exhausting dog. JFC.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:29 PM on November 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
You are being taken advantage of. If you have to suffer exhaustion, extra housework, anxiety for your own pets, restrictions on your own time and activities, etc just to have a boyfriend, then the price is not worth the prize. Either the dog goes, or the man goes.
posted by Enid Lareg at 9:03 AM on November 29, 2022
posted by Enid Lareg at 9:03 AM on November 29, 2022
> Either the dog goes, or the man goes.
Or both. Both is always an option.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:00 PM on November 29, 2022 [5 favorites]
Or both. Both is always an option.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:00 PM on November 29, 2022 [5 favorites]
Wow. Imagine how much else he will let default to you if this is his "honeymoon" phase.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 9:01 PM on November 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 9:01 PM on November 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
I get the distinct feeling that you were selected for a relationship with this person because you are a selfless animal lover, who works from home and who demonstrates sincere care for others. If you happened to meet online via a profile of pictures and bio about your animals and your cares for animals, I would not be surprised. One girlfriend providing dog care for several years and immediately getting another girlfriend doing the same thing very quickly into a new relationship.
And I’ll say this to echo others in this thread - women in caring professions, in environmental or animal justice realms and Other-focussed hobbies are often a demographic group targeted by narcissists, people skilled at manipulating women who love too much, into doing care work for them. I saw in your posts many instances where your basic boundaries are being crossed. The dog and the owner of the dog are being overly familiar with your space. You shouldn’t have to navigate any of his business with ex partner. You are way too early into any attachment with him for this kind of demand, a demand that shouldn’t be made at any time.
The fact you’re questioning your own integrity instead of *his* seems to me to be a symptom of a narcissistic switcheroo scenario.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:05 AM on December 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
And I’ll say this to echo others in this thread - women in caring professions, in environmental or animal justice realms and Other-focussed hobbies are often a demographic group targeted by narcissists, people skilled at manipulating women who love too much, into doing care work for them. I saw in your posts many instances where your basic boundaries are being crossed. The dog and the owner of the dog are being overly familiar with your space. You shouldn’t have to navigate any of his business with ex partner. You are way too early into any attachment with him for this kind of demand, a demand that shouldn’t be made at any time.
The fact you’re questioning your own integrity instead of *his* seems to me to be a symptom of a narcissistic switcheroo scenario.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:05 AM on December 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm so sorry - this sounds exhausting. So he just dumps his dog on you several days a week? And you have no say over whether you have a dog in your bed most nights? You are woken up hours before you need to be up?
What he's showing you is that his dog's needs are more important than your health and your ability to have your own life.
Also it seems like your own animals are getting stressed out and miserable.
And you are planning on moving in together which means it WILL get MUCH WORSE.
Please, please pull back from this doggy daycare arrangement. This guy sounds like a user but if you're not ready to dump him then try an experiment and stop providing him round the clock dog services
Is he happy just being with you or are you his free concierge dogwalker with benefits?
If you are not willing to pull back for yourself then think of your own animals. They must be really miserable and feel unsafe.
posted by M. at 2:23 AM on December 4, 2022
What he's showing you is that his dog's needs are more important than your health and your ability to have your own life.
Also it seems like your own animals are getting stressed out and miserable.
And you are planning on moving in together which means it WILL get MUCH WORSE.
Please, please pull back from this doggy daycare arrangement. This guy sounds like a user but if you're not ready to dump him then try an experiment and stop providing him round the clock dog services
Is he happy just being with you or are you his free concierge dogwalker with benefits?
If you are not willing to pull back for yourself then think of your own animals. They must be really miserable and feel unsafe.
posted by M. at 2:23 AM on December 4, 2022
On re-reading my own comment, I said he's prioritizing his dog's needs over yours.
But thinking more about it, he's prioritizing his own needs. A dog who's afraid of staying alone while you're in the bathroom is his responsibility to help and train. Instead he's happy just dumping him on someone else so that he himself doesn't have to lift a finger.
Again, this is a bad situation. He is not a clueless new dog owner. He's been living like this for years.
posted by M. at 2:33 AM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
But thinking more about it, he's prioritizing his own needs. A dog who's afraid of staying alone while you're in the bathroom is his responsibility to help and train. Instead he's happy just dumping him on someone else so that he himself doesn't have to lift a finger.
Again, this is a bad situation. He is not a clueless new dog owner. He's been living like this for years.
posted by M. at 2:33 AM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Update: i took your responses in consideration and confronted him about wanting to postpone the moving in as well as the dog issue. We agreed that while he looks for another job opportunity that allows him to accomodate his dog, i will only occasionally be a dogsittter, max once a week (because i managed to make her somehow bearable) and the rest will fall on his ex or mother or however he arranges it.
posted by Salicornia at 6:05 AM on January 24, 2023
posted by Salicornia at 6:05 AM on January 24, 2023
Response by poster: Update, forgot to mention - we agreed the dog is not sleeping in bed, he had no problem with it and felt guilty about dumping it on me. I am leaving the dog alone when im helping out and with a bit of accomodation, it is no issue to stay home alone while I go leave the flat for hours. He will mount the baby gates and supervise food stealing from my dog. And I refused to let him live with me full time with a dog until he sorts the morning-barking issue, as well as have the dog/him over when there are chances for that. He will also visit vet with the dog regarding peeing issues and i requested having her crate trained. He apologized and offered to care more about my dog and fosters in return during his days off work and I've said i don't need it, but it is still helpful if he does it sometime. Let's see how this works out.
posted by Salicornia at 3:42 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Salicornia at 3:42 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't see any good solutions but you are certainly being more than generous with your time and it is not at all selfish to want to back away or take a break from this dog situation, and maybe from the guy if he can't help find a better way.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:30 AM on November 28, 2022 [50 favorites]