Lily is Everywhere

November 27, 2022 12:29 PM

We had Lily euthanized yesterday. It was time, she had an inoperable tumor. She was 15 years old and died happy. Now our house feels really empty and there are signs of her everywhere, We expect her to be there to greet us when we open the door or when we get out of bed. How have you coped with the grief of losing a loved one (pet or person) and actively feeling their presence even though they have passed on?
posted by Xurando to Pets & Animals (19 answers total)

I'm sorry for your loss. It's so hard in the beginning. I'd encourage you to maybe journal some of your memories of Lily. We we lost our animals, the vet hospital gave us a book with lots of prompts for memories, but you can do that on your own too.

Also, don't be afraid to let yourself feel your deep sadness. The best way out is through. It will get easier with time, but it sucks and it hurts.
posted by hydra77 at 12:36 PM on November 27, 2022 [9 favorites]

Only the passage time helped to heal us.
For weeks and months, we could hear Jackie’s tags in the next room; see her slip through a doorway; swear that that was her shadow on the wall.
I’m sorry your beloved Lily died. I thank you for doing right by her.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:42 PM on November 27, 2022 [8 favorites]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
The pets and people in my life that have passed live on. Sometimes in my dreams, sometimes as benevolent ghosts. I let them live and enjoy their company.
Grieving is hard, but it is also a sign of love.
posted by mumimor at 12:47 PM on November 27, 2022 [5 favorites]

As above, allowing yourself to grieve and the passage of time. Memorialize her however best suits you — framed photos or an urn or a tattoo or whatever feels right.

When you’re ready, donate to animal shelters what is salvageable—unopened food, carriers, washed beds, etc. Helps to know that what was hers can help other animals.

And be kind to yourself knowing that you gave her all the love you could give and a happy life.
posted by greta simone at 12:55 PM on November 27, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm so sorry. I'm coping with this myself right now, and it's so hard. Have you considered holding a small ceremony of some kind for her, to mark her passing?
posted by praemunire at 12:57 PM on November 27, 2022

I'm so sorry for your loss. The first week is really hard, all those routines . The first special occasion or unusual event (for us, it was going away for a weekend and then coming through the door, oof) is really hard, and the first holiday.

In between, it still sometimes came with a big pang in the oddest moments - and I swear, every time I drop food on the floor I still have a moment of "well, someone will come deal with that" and then "oh."

We're traveling right now, and am in a state and place the dogs have never been, and still every once in a while out of the corner of my eye I see them.

My recommendation is to pre-arm yourself with a Top 5 Memories list, and those hurt too a little in the first few weeks but they are useful to combat the harder feelings when they come. And I try to treat those little moments as opportunities to appreciate the time we had together.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:01 PM on November 27, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm really sorry.

Don't be surprised if your grief takes different forms -- different between family members, or even within yourself from day to day. I think the first few weeks were the hardest. I found myself randomly bursting into tears. The initial sting faded to something akin to a bruise. Personally I found it comforting to give away as much as possible -- food and the like -- so that it wouldn't be wasted, but I kept some mementos.
posted by sm1tten at 1:09 PM on November 27, 2022 [2 favorites]

When we had our beloved dog put down, the house felt achingly empty. A friend suggested we go out of town for a few days, to see and do different things, and it really helped. We still miss him and always will, just like every dog we've had. But it does get easier over time. And somehow donating the dog's toys and bed and leashes, then buying all new items for the next dog who joins your household, helps with the transition.
posted by DrGail at 1:15 PM on November 27, 2022

We've lost a few pets over the years. This may sound harsh but unlike people, pets are replaceable. A new pet won't entirely fill the void but it will help enormously.
posted by night_train at 1:30 PM on November 27, 2022

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This pain is universal. You may find some comfort in Thomas Hardy's poem on the loss of his cat, Last Words to a Dumb Friend. I think it expresses a lot of what you're feeling right now.
posted by FencingGal at 1:32 PM on November 27, 2022 [4 favorites]

This was us too. The jingle of tags. Mistaking a black hairy broom for a tail. Finding the last ball of fur in the corner of the room is especially hard. All I can say is time and sending love into the universe, being thankful for time spent together.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:05 PM on November 27, 2022 [4 favorites]

Write down everythng you remember about her. Memories fade with time, so it will be good to have a written record of Lily and your years with her.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:54 PM on November 27, 2022

We lost a dog really suddenly earlier this year and decided a week later to foster puppies from the same rescue we got her from. It helped. It was also exhausting, which may also have been helpful in its own way. I cried into puppy fur a few times, and they licked my face. We discussed in advance that it'd be okay if we just helped some puppies in memory of our good girl rather than adopting a puppy, but instead I had to talk my spouse down from keeping two of them to just the one. I love her in a very different way than the dog we lost. For a while when she was small, I felt our previous dog's presence really acutely when our new pup was physically occupying the same spaces, and it hurt, but also raising a pup and teaching her how to be an indoor dog felt like an appropriate way to honor our previous dog's memory.

All that said, it was a lot, and in a different state of mind I would consider something less all consuming to ease the transition.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:30 PM on November 27, 2022 [1 favorite]

I don’t know how many years it’s been, but I still walk into a room, see something white and round, and think for a minute that it’s Nellie the cat.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:05 PM on November 27, 2022

It might help to acknowledge what is happening. Each time you one of those little reminders, say to yourself (or to Lily) - "Lily, I miss you." Or whatever feels right, to let her and yourself know that you love her, you haven't forgotten her, and of course these reminders are sad for your heart.
posted by metahawk at 11:33 PM on November 27, 2022 [2 favorites]

We said goodbye to our 20 year old cat, Corky, two months ago. Like you, I saw him-and still do!-in every corner of the house after he was gone. We had Corky cremated, and had the vague idea to spread his ashes somewhere (even though Corky was strictly an indoor cat, and the outdoors held little appeal for him), but once his ashes were returned to us, I instantly knew I wanted to keep them. They're in a sweet little wooden box with his name engraved on it, which I'm keeping on the mantel in our living room. It would have sounded morbid to me, if you had suggested prior to his death that I would choose to keep Corky's ashes on the fireplace mantel, but something about it feels so RIGHT and comforting to me. He was with me for so many years, I guess in a way this feels like he's still with me. The physical absence of someone beloved is shocking and unsettling to the deepest part of us. I am sending you peace, and share the sorrow of your loss.
posted by little mouth at 6:23 AM on November 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

I said goodbye to my beloved calico Boo over a decade ago. The first few weeks were hard, for sure. But so was the first time we moved into a place she'd never been; the first time I found a toy of hers that I thought was long gone; the time I found pictures of her at my mom's house; the time I finally gave in (this year!) and brought home a new cat. I still have a picture of her in my office. I still expect to see her coming around the corner every once in a while, even though she's never been in this house. I still cry. Hell, I'm crying now writing this.

Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes it's harder. Sometimes it's really, really, gut-wrenchingly difficult, even all these years later. For me, it's about letting it come, sitting with it, and letting it pass. I don't let it consume me, but I don't try to shove it down, either. It's a reminder that she was loved, of every amazing day we had together, that she is still loved even now that she's gone. In Wandavision terms - what is grief, if not love persevering?
posted by okayokayigive at 10:09 AM on November 28, 2022

They're in a sweet little wooden box with his name engraved on it, which I'm keeping on the mantel in our living room.

The vet hospital where Mattie the Cat spent her last hours made us a paw print plaque. I didn't think I would want it, but it's been oddly comforting.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:07 AM on November 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

Yes, time, of course.

But telling each other stories, sharing memories, looking at photos, marking those memories and associations—that keeps her presence alive, which is something that I don't think you need to encourage to dissipate. Eventually the pain of it will soften—you will be left with the memory of the pain, rather than the acute hurt of it—and your stories and memories will shine through.

I'm sitting under a painting of my sweet Chan that my sister made for me. I had to let Chan go in March 2019—in the middle of a divorce that took away my ability to retell these stories with the person who'd been her other main human—so I've made a point to keep her memory actively, if provately, with me. The painting followed me on a 6,000 mile move, and looks down on me right now, and I my heart swells every time I look at it. I'd say after a year and a half I was able to remember her without my eyes welling up. So hang in there, and bless you for giving Lily such a prominent place in your lives and hearts while you could.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:15 AM on November 29, 2022 [1 favorite]