Am I selfish for not giving money to to my mother?
November 25, 2022 5:32 PM Subscribe
After COVID started, my mom has struggled a bit with money due to her hours at work being reduced. I started setting aside savings each month for a "Family & Friend Fund" as my way to assist my family and friends if they needed it.
I would add whatever I could each month after all my own expenses/savings goals were accounted for. This money would be a gift, meaning I don't expect people to pay it back. I never announced to anyone that I was doing this, rather this was just a way for me to personally be able to help with money if I was ever asked.
Over the past 3 years, my mom has been the only one who has asked for money. She would periodically would ask for money -- $400 here, $300 there, $700 here, etc. Because she was the only one asking and the amount being asked for was within the limits of what I had saved in my Family & Friend Fun, I was able to give it to her. And I always let her know how much I had remaining to give. There would be many months' gap in between her asking for money, allowing me time to build up more savings.
This year she has asked for money at a faster rate than I've been able to save it. My Family & Friend Fund was drained down to its last $300 and let her know I don't have anything else to give as I'd like to keep that remaining amount for dire emergencies. She's been very understanding and appreciative, but I can't help but feel guilty and selfish all the same.
She's been trying to help my uncle who has been struggling with money for decades (my grandparents helped him out in many ways for as long as I can remember). The pattern I've noticed is that he'll ask her for money and then she'll come to me to ask if I can give her money to help him, whether it's rent, car breakdown, his many pets, etc. He is always about to start a job but never received a paycheck or is in between jobs, etc. His rent did go up without warning this year which has been hard. Which is partially why I feel so guilty. When she helps him, that means she has less to cover her own bills, because her paycheck never went back up to its pre-COVID level. She lives at with my grandma (both her and my Uncle's mother) who pays for all the groceries, household bills, etc.
Today she asked if I could help her help him cover part of his rent, even though she knew I said I wouldn't be able to help anymore. I had to be honest and tell her I couldn't, as I have a lot of things I'm trying to save for -- my elderly cat's medical expenses, trying to save up for my journey to become a single mom by choice (sperm banks are NOT cheap!), some medical procedures I'd like to have done prior to artificial insemination, plus my own rent and bills. I'm single and childless right now and well-paid by my job but most of what I earn goes into saving for those things and trying to build up for the future. Unfortunately this means I haven't been able to build up the Family & Friend Fund back up fast enough to sustainably be able to give my mom $400, $600, $300, etc, on a whim. It would make it hard to save and move forward with my own goals.
I added up how much I've given my mom over the past 3 years and it was over $13K! Somehow that is not enough.
Thankfully my mom was *very* understanding when I told her today that I'm not in a position to give any money. I appreciate how understanding she's being, which also makes me feel more guilty and like I'm being selfish. Especially with Christmas around the corner. And I feel even worse because I was planning to treat myself to a few things for Christmas that I've been wanting. Should I give that money instead to my my mom so she can give it to my Uncle to help with his rent/other expenses? I also am sitting on quite a few savings I had accumulated as a backbone incase I were to lose my job, or we have a dire emergency. Should I dip into that to give my Uncle? The problem is there never seems to be an end to how much they need. I can keep giving them money and it never seems to help. A few months later they need more. What is the best way to solve the actual problem, which is helping my Uncle be able to have steady work so that he can pay his rent and other expenses each month? This issue has been going on for decades, first it was my grandparents paying for my uncle and now it's shifted to my mom (and by proxy, me).
I've talked with my mom about budgeting and she did sign up for one of the budgeting apps out there, though she's understandably private about it so I don't know how it's working for her. I don't like to ask because I know it stresses her out.
So I'm in a bind here. Any insights would be helpful. Am I being selfish/a Scrooge by not helping my family members? And what is the best way to help someone (my Uncle) who chronically asks for money get back on their feet and struggles to find steady employment, if you don't have any more money to give them? My mom worries that he will become homeless and she doesn't want that, and I understand, he's her brother! Thank you!
I would add whatever I could each month after all my own expenses/savings goals were accounted for. This money would be a gift, meaning I don't expect people to pay it back. I never announced to anyone that I was doing this, rather this was just a way for me to personally be able to help with money if I was ever asked.
Over the past 3 years, my mom has been the only one who has asked for money. She would periodically would ask for money -- $400 here, $300 there, $700 here, etc. Because she was the only one asking and the amount being asked for was within the limits of what I had saved in my Family & Friend Fun, I was able to give it to her. And I always let her know how much I had remaining to give. There would be many months' gap in between her asking for money, allowing me time to build up more savings.
This year she has asked for money at a faster rate than I've been able to save it. My Family & Friend Fund was drained down to its last $300 and let her know I don't have anything else to give as I'd like to keep that remaining amount for dire emergencies. She's been very understanding and appreciative, but I can't help but feel guilty and selfish all the same.
She's been trying to help my uncle who has been struggling with money for decades (my grandparents helped him out in many ways for as long as I can remember). The pattern I've noticed is that he'll ask her for money and then she'll come to me to ask if I can give her money to help him, whether it's rent, car breakdown, his many pets, etc. He is always about to start a job but never received a paycheck or is in between jobs, etc. His rent did go up without warning this year which has been hard. Which is partially why I feel so guilty. When she helps him, that means she has less to cover her own bills, because her paycheck never went back up to its pre-COVID level. She lives at with my grandma (both her and my Uncle's mother) who pays for all the groceries, household bills, etc.
Today she asked if I could help her help him cover part of his rent, even though she knew I said I wouldn't be able to help anymore. I had to be honest and tell her I couldn't, as I have a lot of things I'm trying to save for -- my elderly cat's medical expenses, trying to save up for my journey to become a single mom by choice (sperm banks are NOT cheap!), some medical procedures I'd like to have done prior to artificial insemination, plus my own rent and bills. I'm single and childless right now and well-paid by my job but most of what I earn goes into saving for those things and trying to build up for the future. Unfortunately this means I haven't been able to build up the Family & Friend Fund back up fast enough to sustainably be able to give my mom $400, $600, $300, etc, on a whim. It would make it hard to save and move forward with my own goals.
I added up how much I've given my mom over the past 3 years and it was over $13K! Somehow that is not enough.
Thankfully my mom was *very* understanding when I told her today that I'm not in a position to give any money. I appreciate how understanding she's being, which also makes me feel more guilty and like I'm being selfish. Especially with Christmas around the corner. And I feel even worse because I was planning to treat myself to a few things for Christmas that I've been wanting. Should I give that money instead to my my mom so she can give it to my Uncle to help with his rent/other expenses? I also am sitting on quite a few savings I had accumulated as a backbone incase I were to lose my job, or we have a dire emergency. Should I dip into that to give my Uncle? The problem is there never seems to be an end to how much they need. I can keep giving them money and it never seems to help. A few months later they need more. What is the best way to solve the actual problem, which is helping my Uncle be able to have steady work so that he can pay his rent and other expenses each month? This issue has been going on for decades, first it was my grandparents paying for my uncle and now it's shifted to my mom (and by proxy, me).
I've talked with my mom about budgeting and she did sign up for one of the budgeting apps out there, though she's understandably private about it so I don't know how it's working for her. I don't like to ask because I know it stresses her out.
So I'm in a bind here. Any insights would be helpful. Am I being selfish/a Scrooge by not helping my family members? And what is the best way to help someone (my Uncle) who chronically asks for money get back on their feet and struggles to find steady employment, if you don't have any more money to give them? My mom worries that he will become homeless and she doesn't want that, and I understand, he's her brother! Thank you!
So here you are, a loving and generous person who wants to help their family financially. And you're also someone who is responsible with money and awesome at planning, so you came up with a really great way to provide financial help in a sustainable, affordable, and yet reliable/committed way. (I'm genuinely impressed by the process to save what you can every month-ish to build up a fund. So organized! So doable! What a great way to set yourself up for success.) And then you also communicated transparently about the status of your fund/your ability to help to the most frequent (only?) beneficiary, and you communicated this clearly and in advance of the fund getting totally depleted.
Truly I could not devise a better approach for helping your family financially. You've done it all so well. The proof is in the pudding: your fund is getting used! Exactly as intended! At an excellent pace! Kudos on seeing a need and then figuring out a way to successfully meet that need.
But wait - you're feeling guilty and inadequate for not helping enough? Why might you be feeling something that is, in objective terms, ridiculous? I'm sure you realize intellectually that it makes no sense. But our feelings are what they are, they don't align with surface-level reasons. There's something going on underneath that can explain why you're feeling guilty instead of congratulating yourself. I strongly urge you to take some time... or a *lot* of time, if necessary... to figure out what's under the surface. It sure sounds like there's a bigger and more pervasive driver of your personality/behavior that's causing your "irrational" guilt. Clarifying what it is and addressing it will likely improve your life significantly, not just in this narrow area.
Moving on to less important questions raised by your post: it does seem like you might want to sit down and have a talk with your mom about her financial situation. Get a better picture of why she's exceeding her budget by so much, so often. If nothing else, this is a way for you to be better prepared if indeed she is in truly dire straits. The sooner you know, the better, right?
And lastly, it seems to me that one area where you seemed to falter is that you apparently did not think through your intentions for whom your fund should benefit. It kinda seems like you wanted to help out more than just your mother, but somehow it's only ever your mother who draws from the fund. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with it? Would you be comfortable calling it "The Mom Fund", to more accurately reflect its actual use? Or do you want to take steps towards - idk how to put it - expanding the beneficiary list? This isn't anything I have an opinion about, but I'm raising it as a question that is probably important for you to think through and decide because you do seem to have a concern about how much of this fund has gone to your mom.
posted by MiraK at 6:45 PM on November 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
Truly I could not devise a better approach for helping your family financially. You've done it all so well. The proof is in the pudding: your fund is getting used! Exactly as intended! At an excellent pace! Kudos on seeing a need and then figuring out a way to successfully meet that need.
But wait - you're feeling guilty and inadequate for not helping enough? Why might you be feeling something that is, in objective terms, ridiculous? I'm sure you realize intellectually that it makes no sense. But our feelings are what they are, they don't align with surface-level reasons. There's something going on underneath that can explain why you're feeling guilty instead of congratulating yourself. I strongly urge you to take some time... or a *lot* of time, if necessary... to figure out what's under the surface. It sure sounds like there's a bigger and more pervasive driver of your personality/behavior that's causing your "irrational" guilt. Clarifying what it is and addressing it will likely improve your life significantly, not just in this narrow area.
Moving on to less important questions raised by your post: it does seem like you might want to sit down and have a talk with your mom about her financial situation. Get a better picture of why she's exceeding her budget by so much, so often. If nothing else, this is a way for you to be better prepared if indeed she is in truly dire straits. The sooner you know, the better, right?
And lastly, it seems to me that one area where you seemed to falter is that you apparently did not think through your intentions for whom your fund should benefit. It kinda seems like you wanted to help out more than just your mother, but somehow it's only ever your mother who draws from the fund. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with it? Would you be comfortable calling it "The Mom Fund", to more accurately reflect its actual use? Or do you want to take steps towards - idk how to put it - expanding the beneficiary list? This isn't anything I have an opinion about, but I'm raising it as a question that is probably important for you to think through and decide because you do seem to have a concern about how much of this fund has gone to your mom.
posted by MiraK at 6:45 PM on November 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
If you don't want to talk to your mother about her own personal finances, at least have an honest conversation about how much money your uncle has needed from her for the last X years. Since you know he will continue to need (and get) assistance, you can help your mom figure out how to sustainably help your uncle using the kind of organized, realistic planning you used. IDK if your uncle has any cognitive impairments, but if he doesn't have any and/or is able to understand these matters, then your mom needs to communicate with him regarding how much she can help exactly as clearly and as much in advance as you communicate with her. Perhaps she can even earmark some of the financial assistance she provides to get him financial coaching, and maybe even to help him access government assistance or other available sources of funds he might be eligible for? If he struggles that much with finances, then it needs to be a priority to get *him* onto a sustainable track. It's the only ethical way to continue to help him. (Right now it sounds like he's being enabled to continue being financially dysfunctional.)
posted by MiraK at 7:04 PM on November 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by MiraK at 7:04 PM on November 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
1. Could your uncle move in with your mother?
2. It sounds like your uncle has long-standing issues staying afloat (or employed)? I'm not sure if that is the case, but if it is, can the root cause of that be discovered and resolved?
posted by TimHare at 9:05 PM on November 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
2. It sounds like your uncle has long-standing issues staying afloat (or employed)? I'm not sure if that is the case, but if it is, can the root cause of that be discovered and resolved?
posted by TimHare at 9:05 PM on November 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
You're not selfish in the least! On the contrary, you've been incredibly selfless and kind. Treat yourself this Christmas - you deserve it.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 9:09 PM on November 25, 2022
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 9:09 PM on November 25, 2022
You have been incredibly, incredibly generous in a position that most people would not have been. It's not selfish at all to prioritize your financial stability and the needs of your dependents - your current pet and potential future child - above those of your adult relative(s) who seem to be a black hole of need. You don't even know where the money is going or why the need never stops.
"I can't afford it anymore" is entirely reasonable and all the details you should give them. No explanations, which can be argued endlessly as if they should get a say. Your uncle is very likely to increase pressure on your mom when his "income" goes away, but that's not a good reason to prioritize his needs (or wants, or drug money, or gambling, or who knows what) over your needs.
If you'd invested that 13K in something like an index fund instead, in 20-30 years you would have had enough money to be a significant help with your future kid's college or first house, or your own retirement, if you don't have those all locked down already. More short-term, that money could be part of a downpayment for a more stable home for your family, or therapy to help you figure out why you're feeling so guilty about not financially supporting the adult relatives who should be the ones helping you at this stage of their lives.
You are clearly a very generous person so maybe it would help to think about how stressed your future kid will be in 40 years trying to help you pay your rent (which has continued to increase way faster than inflation) because you chose to give away all your money to your older relatives instead of buying a house or saving enough to retire comfortably. Kinda like how you're stressed about it now because your mom never figured out how to say no to her brother. Stop the cycle now for the sake of your future kid, if not for yourself.
posted by randomnity at 10:53 PM on November 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
"I can't afford it anymore" is entirely reasonable and all the details you should give them. No explanations, which can be argued endlessly as if they should get a say. Your uncle is very likely to increase pressure on your mom when his "income" goes away, but that's not a good reason to prioritize his needs (or wants, or drug money, or gambling, or who knows what) over your needs.
If you'd invested that 13K in something like an index fund instead, in 20-30 years you would have had enough money to be a significant help with your future kid's college or first house, or your own retirement, if you don't have those all locked down already. More short-term, that money could be part of a downpayment for a more stable home for your family, or therapy to help you figure out why you're feeling so guilty about not financially supporting the adult relatives who should be the ones helping you at this stage of their lives.
You are clearly a very generous person so maybe it would help to think about how stressed your future kid will be in 40 years trying to help you pay your rent (which has continued to increase way faster than inflation) because you chose to give away all your money to your older relatives instead of buying a house or saving enough to retire comfortably. Kinda like how you're stressed about it now because your mom never figured out how to say no to her brother. Stop the cycle now for the sake of your future kid, if not for yourself.
posted by randomnity at 10:53 PM on November 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
Can you help your mom and uncle find and sign up for other resources that they might be entitled to (i.e. Social Security, Medicaid, food stamps) to make them less financially dependent on you?
posted by elphaba at 11:32 PM on November 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by elphaba at 11:32 PM on November 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I notice your question is about helping your mother, but then it turns out that a good deal of what you've given is going to your uncle. You can't really fix your uncle and it isn't your job to. But this indirect pattern doesn't seem to be healthy for anyone.
posted by zompist at 12:29 AM on November 26, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by zompist at 12:29 AM on November 26, 2022 [18 favorites]
I think it's clear that if you continue to give your mother money, she will continue to give it to your uncle. I think it's exceedingly unlikely he will ever stop asking her, and equally as unlikely that she will be able to say no to him. What do you think would happen if you stopped giving her money? To what extent would she choose her own needs ahead of her brother's requests? Would you prefer if he asked you directly? Is he likely to do that? Would he still tap up your mother on top of you?
If you would like to have more control over the money you give to your mother, then perhaps instead of saving cash and periodically handing over a few hundred bucks, you could take over and pay some of her bills directly. While that might mean that she spends more on her brother, at least it would mean that you were confident her electricity wasn't going to be turned off for non-payment or whatever. You might also then find it easier to 'let go' of what she spends on her brother, which you fundamentally can't control.
If you mainly want people to tell you that you don't need to feel guilty for turning off the tap when the well is dry, then I am happy to tell you that you don't need to feel guilty. Your own life is just as important as everyone else's and in the circumstances you are in, where there is no end to the requests, it is in everyone's best long-term interests that you limit the amount you give away to what you can afford. You do not want to get to a position where you bitterly resent your uncle or your mother because they frittered away your opportunity to have children.
posted by plonkee at 2:07 AM on November 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
If you would like to have more control over the money you give to your mother, then perhaps instead of saving cash and periodically handing over a few hundred bucks, you could take over and pay some of her bills directly. While that might mean that she spends more on her brother, at least it would mean that you were confident her electricity wasn't going to be turned off for non-payment or whatever. You might also then find it easier to 'let go' of what she spends on her brother, which you fundamentally can't control.
If you mainly want people to tell you that you don't need to feel guilty for turning off the tap when the well is dry, then I am happy to tell you that you don't need to feel guilty. Your own life is just as important as everyone else's and in the circumstances you are in, where there is no end to the requests, it is in everyone's best long-term interests that you limit the amount you give away to what you can afford. You do not want to get to a position where you bitterly resent your uncle or your mother because they frittered away your opportunity to have children.
posted by plonkee at 2:07 AM on November 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
Another vote for revising this indirect pattern of giving to your uncle. It sounds to me like it just might be a situation where he knows your mother can ask you so now he's unlikely to stop. She may not be a fan of this situation but she may feel trapped in it. The idea of offering to pay some of her bills sounds brilliant to me.
posted by BibiRose at 5:56 AM on November 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 5:56 AM on November 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
The problem is there never seems to be an end to how much they need. I can keep giving them money and it never seems to help.
This. You’re not being selfish at all . You’ve been trying to bail out a leaky boat that’s not getting fixed. Sounds like your uncle needs more than you and your mom can give him and that he needs to get it together.
posted by SaneCatLady at 6:37 AM on November 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
This. You’re not being selfish at all . You’ve been trying to bail out a leaky boat that’s not getting fixed. Sounds like your uncle needs more than you and your mom can give him and that he needs to get it together.
posted by SaneCatLady at 6:37 AM on November 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
You're about to start a new family, and the family you make needs you more than the family you came from. Save your money for that.
Would it make financial sense for your uncle move in with your mom and Grandma?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:08 AM on November 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Would it make financial sense for your uncle move in with your mom and Grandma?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:08 AM on November 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
You have consciously and generously chosen to help your Mom; she, in turn, has helped your uncle. I'd probably give Mom a budget for how much help you can give her and allow her to use it as she sees fit. Your constant gifts have been budgeted by her to take care of herself and your uncle. She's your Mom, you are being a good daughter; you are not responsible for teaching her how to handle money. I'm a Boomer, my Depression-era parents taught us to budget and be frugal - it took hold with me, not necessarily with my siblings. Telling her how to manage money might be considered condescending or interfering. But I do think clarity about just how much you can provide would help.
Mom lives with your grandparents; works part-time, tries to help your uncle. It would be useful for them to budget an amount for uncle, or help him make a plan, and to have a future plan for any inheritance, esp. is he is unable to manage money for himself.
posted by theora55 at 10:53 AM on November 26, 2022
Mom lives with your grandparents; works part-time, tries to help your uncle. It would be useful for them to budget an amount for uncle, or help him make a plan, and to have a future plan for any inheritance, esp. is he is unable to manage money for himself.
posted by theora55 at 10:53 AM on November 26, 2022
Am I being selfish/a Scrooge by not helping my family members?
No.
And what is the best way to help someone (my Uncle) who chronically asks for money get back on their feet and struggles to find steady employment, if you don't have any more money to give them?
Well this is kind of like you inherited some old estate where there's a debt at the end of every year. It sounds like this is a family legacy - your grandparents, your mother, and now you have supported this uncle. Since he doesn't ask you directly, it's hard to tell what's going on. Maybe he needs more professional supports. Maybe there's been an expectation he will change, when it seems like something more profound is going on. I don't know what is available in your area (welfare? old age pensions? disability?) but that's where I would start. Rather than supporting all these kind of backroom deals, maybe talk to your mother about it head on.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:00 PM on November 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
No.
And what is the best way to help someone (my Uncle) who chronically asks for money get back on their feet and struggles to find steady employment, if you don't have any more money to give them?
Well this is kind of like you inherited some old estate where there's a debt at the end of every year. It sounds like this is a family legacy - your grandparents, your mother, and now you have supported this uncle. Since he doesn't ask you directly, it's hard to tell what's going on. Maybe he needs more professional supports. Maybe there's been an expectation he will change, when it seems like something more profound is going on. I don't know what is available in your area (welfare? old age pensions? disability?) but that's where I would start. Rather than supporting all these kind of backroom deals, maybe talk to your mother about it head on.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:00 PM on November 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think I am reading this above somewhat, but maybe just say that you will only pay for lawyers or social workers that will get your uncle hooked up with food stamps, low income housing, etc. Or a soldiers home setup, etc. These services exist for people like uncle, and can be impossible to navigate. Your assistance would be setting him up for many years of support.
posted by drowsy at 6:29 PM on November 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by drowsy at 6:29 PM on November 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
The problem is there never seems to be an end to how much they need
yeah, there's never an end to how much you or any of us need, either. that is why we all require incomes rather than one-time generous gifts. you know why this is happening. you said right up front that your mother's work hours had been reduced. that's why she needs a steady infusion of cash gifts: because her employment income is no longer enough to get by. if you weren't helping her out, maybe poverty would motivate her to get a better job, or maybe all the motivation in the world wouldn't make more hours appear. but that's the only unknown aspect of it, there's no other mystery here. it's easier to stop giving people money if you can believe that it's somehow bad for them or hurting them, but the money you give her isn't hurting her, it's helping her.
the fact remains that you need money too, and only you can decide how much. but because the money's yours, you do have to decide alone. you say that your mother is happy to take No for an answer, which is very good of her. so the answer is to tell her No when you don't have spare money to give her. it's fine to work on feeling less guilty about saying no, as long as you don't treat unwelcome guilt feelings as something she's inflicting on you by refusing to be difficult about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:23 PM on November 26, 2022
yeah, there's never an end to how much you or any of us need, either. that is why we all require incomes rather than one-time generous gifts. you know why this is happening. you said right up front that your mother's work hours had been reduced. that's why she needs a steady infusion of cash gifts: because her employment income is no longer enough to get by. if you weren't helping her out, maybe poverty would motivate her to get a better job, or maybe all the motivation in the world wouldn't make more hours appear. but that's the only unknown aspect of it, there's no other mystery here. it's easier to stop giving people money if you can believe that it's somehow bad for them or hurting them, but the money you give her isn't hurting her, it's helping her.
the fact remains that you need money too, and only you can decide how much. but because the money's yours, you do have to decide alone. you say that your mother is happy to take No for an answer, which is very good of her. so the answer is to tell her No when you don't have spare money to give her. it's fine to work on feeling less guilty about saying no, as long as you don't treat unwelcome guilt feelings as something she's inflicting on you by refusing to be difficult about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:23 PM on November 26, 2022
It sounds like you feel fine helping your mom and the amount that she needs fits into your budget easily. However, now she’s trying to get you to help your uncle by proxy. It does kind of feel like a lot for you to be supporting two grown adults, one of whom is never actually working despite sounding capable of it, as far as you’ve described. The way you’re talking about your uncle, it sounds like has put himself in an unsustainable position (when you say “many pets” I start getting triggered in a very special way).
I grew up working class and also help my parents and family members quite often, but frankly one parent does all the asking, and the other parent never ever asks, and the difference between those two parents is not economic opportunity. Giving the one who asks money is not what has embittered me toward them, it was the entire childhood of being an emotional “support” to that parent who constantly put me and my siblings in peril. The money thing is barely a blip. But if you were raised to be readily used by parents or other adult figures around you, you were actually being groomed into the position you’re in now, and are 100% enabling everyone involved, and probably feel helpless against the guilt because the entire atmosphere of your upbringing made it acutely clear that other people need you so much that it’s immoral to have things for yourself. Sounds like your mom feels that way toward her brother, and passed it on to you.
Is it immoral? I don’t know. I do know that for me, the point where I stopped handing out cash was when my parent admitted it was going straight into their drug addict spouse’s pocket, and when I couldn’t justify literally paying for someone else’s drugs every month they did not starve or get evicted. They did claim they couldn’t afford their medications, until I asked about their HSA and they told me they didn’t know what that was. But guess what, they have their medications now (which they don’t take, because “they don’t need all these pills,” and then text me that their blood sugar is through the roof so I can be the parent and tell them to go to the hospital), and so on and so on.
The point is, people will put you through all kinds of shit and it’s really not about the money. The money is just where the insanity bumps into reality, and it’s the easiest way to solve a problem. Yes, money is real and it is necessary, but it doesn’t sound like your mom and uncle are really in any kind of dire straits they can’t get themselves out of beyond need a couple hundred bucks maybe every couple months. Try to think through their needs and focus on what you actually feel morally compelled to do, not what guilt is compelling you to do automatically. You probably want to talk to a therapist about it tbh, because when people talk about “breaking the cycle” they mean this kind of thing too.
It’s ok to invest in your future. It’s not immoral. Above poster is right that a one time cash gift can’t actually solve these issues, so maybe save your “help” for things that actually can be solved with a one time cash gift. Saying no feels bad, but there is not a point where your uncle will start feeling bad that he’s siphoning money off his niece without even talking to her face to face. It will not shame him into getting a job. It will just keep going and going, and people who feel like they never got a future won’t mind slowly killing yours. Until you feel the same way. (Break the cycle!)
posted by stoneandstar at 9:47 PM on November 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
I grew up working class and also help my parents and family members quite often, but frankly one parent does all the asking, and the other parent never ever asks, and the difference between those two parents is not economic opportunity. Giving the one who asks money is not what has embittered me toward them, it was the entire childhood of being an emotional “support” to that parent who constantly put me and my siblings in peril. The money thing is barely a blip. But if you were raised to be readily used by parents or other adult figures around you, you were actually being groomed into the position you’re in now, and are 100% enabling everyone involved, and probably feel helpless against the guilt because the entire atmosphere of your upbringing made it acutely clear that other people need you so much that it’s immoral to have things for yourself. Sounds like your mom feels that way toward her brother, and passed it on to you.
Is it immoral? I don’t know. I do know that for me, the point where I stopped handing out cash was when my parent admitted it was going straight into their drug addict spouse’s pocket, and when I couldn’t justify literally paying for someone else’s drugs every month they did not starve or get evicted. They did claim they couldn’t afford their medications, until I asked about their HSA and they told me they didn’t know what that was. But guess what, they have their medications now (which they don’t take, because “they don’t need all these pills,” and then text me that their blood sugar is through the roof so I can be the parent and tell them to go to the hospital), and so on and so on.
The point is, people will put you through all kinds of shit and it’s really not about the money. The money is just where the insanity bumps into reality, and it’s the easiest way to solve a problem. Yes, money is real and it is necessary, but it doesn’t sound like your mom and uncle are really in any kind of dire straits they can’t get themselves out of beyond need a couple hundred bucks maybe every couple months. Try to think through their needs and focus on what you actually feel morally compelled to do, not what guilt is compelling you to do automatically. You probably want to talk to a therapist about it tbh, because when people talk about “breaking the cycle” they mean this kind of thing too.
It’s ok to invest in your future. It’s not immoral. Above poster is right that a one time cash gift can’t actually solve these issues, so maybe save your “help” for things that actually can be solved with a one time cash gift. Saying no feels bad, but there is not a point where your uncle will start feeling bad that he’s siphoning money off his niece without even talking to her face to face. It will not shame him into getting a job. It will just keep going and going, and people who feel like they never got a future won’t mind slowly killing yours. Until you feel the same way. (Break the cycle!)
posted by stoneandstar at 9:47 PM on November 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
Yes, you are selfish. And, that is a good thing. A modicum of selfishness is necessary to function in our current social order. Helping others is a wonderful thing, and your actions demonstrate that you clearly know that, but there comes a point where helping self has to be prioritized. It sounds like you are struggling to do a good job of striking that balance. I think saying no to additional financial assistance for awhile is a good start.
posted by hworth at 11:38 PM on November 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by hworth at 11:38 PM on November 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
But it does look from here as if you've been giving her fish rather than a fishing rod, and this won't stop until you stop it, because you've made it so easy.
posted by tillsbury at 5:40 PM on November 25, 2022 [18 favorites]