getting unstuck
November 11, 2022 5:25 AM Subscribe
I'm paranoid about taking big steps in life, for a specific reason. How do I get unstuck?
I've just come out of an extended difficult period of family illness during which I was the main carer and organiser for my family. I know that my help was sorely needed, but speaking only for myself, it was a very bad time for me emotionally. I felt stuck managing other people's lives while my own life just... stopped.
Now, things are nominally 'stable'. I'm no longer living with family. I'm back to work and re-settling into my own routine. My family is... ok? For now? But it's hard to say if this is the beginning of a period of recuperation or just the calm before the storm? I've set up lots of safety-nets and caring systems for them and I'm managing a lot of things for them remotely, but I don't know how long this will last.
The thing is, I had wanted to do Big Life Things this year. For a long time I have been reflecting on things in my life I would like to change. Think along the lines of moving house etc (but not that specifically - I don't want to get too into specifics but think things that take a significant amount of resources, commitment and energy.)
I'm quite a nervous, anxious person and I overthink a lot of things other people don't really think too hard about. But the thing with my family's recent medical crisis is that my overthinking has gone through the roof.
I still feel that itch to forge ahead with my life and make positive changes etc but part of me is really worried about tying myself down to anything new, expensive or demanding when there is such a strong chance that my family will get sick again. The sensible thing seems to be to keep myself as light and free of commitment as possible so that I am available to help out again at short notice, but the thing is... I really don't want to do that! I feel dissatisfied with certain elements of my life that it is within my power to change. I just feel worried to.
So I'd love to know how other people approach situations like this. Some perspective would be great.
Therapy: I've been working with therapists for the better part of a year on this, and haven't, honestly, really clicked with anyone or made any progress.
I've just come out of an extended difficult period of family illness during which I was the main carer and organiser for my family. I know that my help was sorely needed, but speaking only for myself, it was a very bad time for me emotionally. I felt stuck managing other people's lives while my own life just... stopped.
Now, things are nominally 'stable'. I'm no longer living with family. I'm back to work and re-settling into my own routine. My family is... ok? For now? But it's hard to say if this is the beginning of a period of recuperation or just the calm before the storm? I've set up lots of safety-nets and caring systems for them and I'm managing a lot of things for them remotely, but I don't know how long this will last.
The thing is, I had wanted to do Big Life Things this year. For a long time I have been reflecting on things in my life I would like to change. Think along the lines of moving house etc (but not that specifically - I don't want to get too into specifics but think things that take a significant amount of resources, commitment and energy.)
I'm quite a nervous, anxious person and I overthink a lot of things other people don't really think too hard about. But the thing with my family's recent medical crisis is that my overthinking has gone through the roof.
I still feel that itch to forge ahead with my life and make positive changes etc but part of me is really worried about tying myself down to anything new, expensive or demanding when there is such a strong chance that my family will get sick again. The sensible thing seems to be to keep myself as light and free of commitment as possible so that I am available to help out again at short notice, but the thing is... I really don't want to do that! I feel dissatisfied with certain elements of my life that it is within my power to change. I just feel worried to.
So I'd love to know how other people approach situations like this. Some perspective would be great.
Therapy: I've been working with therapists for the better part of a year on this, and haven't, honestly, really clicked with anyone or made any progress.
You sound like a planner - and an achiever! But that it may be easier for you to do that as a service to someone else, rather than yourself (like waiting around to see if your help is needed). It's time to pretend you're planning your own projects to "support a friend who really wants to do these things but just can't" - including what happens if things take a negative turn. Not catastrophising, just planning. Make the plan, put it away, and a week later take it out - could you do any of the plan?
I trick myself sometimes - sometimes it works, others it doesn't. Therapy obviously helps to look at why it's so hard to put yourself first, but not if your therapist isn't working for you!
posted by london explorer girl at 6:53 AM on November 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
I trick myself sometimes - sometimes it works, others it doesn't. Therapy obviously helps to look at why it's so hard to put yourself first, but not if your therapist isn't working for you!
posted by london explorer girl at 6:53 AM on November 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
Not acting is its own action. If you don’t take the step you’re wanting, then it’s really a decision to push it away and reject it, and that’s not something you want to do.
Maybe your family will get sick again but you can figure out how to negotiate that if it happens. You don’t have a guarantee it will or that there will be no other options available for their care.
And like Medieval Maven says: consider what happens if you fail. In many cases you’ll be no worse off than when you started. It might not apply here, but thinking through the worst case scenario your anxious mind is holding up as a threat might be instructive.
posted by music for skeletons at 6:57 AM on November 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
Maybe your family will get sick again but you can figure out how to negotiate that if it happens. You don’t have a guarantee it will or that there will be no other options available for their care.
And like Medieval Maven says: consider what happens if you fail. In many cases you’ll be no worse off than when you started. It might not apply here, but thinking through the worst case scenario your anxious mind is holding up as a threat might be instructive.
posted by music for skeletons at 6:57 AM on November 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think there are two things to consider here. First, what happens if your family gets sick again and you're not around, and second, what happens to your new commitments if you have to neglect them to take care of your family.
I understand the pressure to be the person who takes care of your family. I'm not that person in my family, but I've seen other people do it, and it's overwhelming. My extended family is spread around North America, and my aunt, who was trained as a nurse, used to fly all over the place whenever someone got sick. My mom, who is very much the opposite, used to call them "death watches", and I tend to side with my mom. I'm sure my aunt got something out of these trips, but I wonder how much the sick person got. Like, yeah, it's nice that someone's there who can do stuff for you and explain what's going on, but my aunt hadn't practiced as a nurse for years, and in every case, there were other family members more local who could do much of what she was doing. If my aunt hadn't made these "death watch" trips, how would my other family members' illnesses or deaths been any different? So that's the question I'll pose to you: If you're not the person who cares for your sick relatives, who will? Is there really nobody else who can do it?
And if you do take on something else, what's the worst that can happen? Let's use the example of buying a house. You're stuck with a mortgage you have to pay, and maintenance, but like, it doesn't require constant attention. You can leave for a month or two and, as long as you make your mortgage payment, it'll still be there when you get back. That's exactly what my aunt used to do. If you're gone for an even longer amount of time, you could Airbnb it and make some money. It's not like you'll buy the house and then be forced to sell it immediately.
Likewise, if you go back to school, you might have withdraw from one semester's worth of classes, but you can just re-enroll the next semester. It'll take longer, but it won't materially affect your studies. There aren't many commitments you can make that can't be at least put on hold if an emergency comes up.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:33 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
I understand the pressure to be the person who takes care of your family. I'm not that person in my family, but I've seen other people do it, and it's overwhelming. My extended family is spread around North America, and my aunt, who was trained as a nurse, used to fly all over the place whenever someone got sick. My mom, who is very much the opposite, used to call them "death watches", and I tend to side with my mom. I'm sure my aunt got something out of these trips, but I wonder how much the sick person got. Like, yeah, it's nice that someone's there who can do stuff for you and explain what's going on, but my aunt hadn't practiced as a nurse for years, and in every case, there were other family members more local who could do much of what she was doing. If my aunt hadn't made these "death watch" trips, how would my other family members' illnesses or deaths been any different? So that's the question I'll pose to you: If you're not the person who cares for your sick relatives, who will? Is there really nobody else who can do it?
And if you do take on something else, what's the worst that can happen? Let's use the example of buying a house. You're stuck with a mortgage you have to pay, and maintenance, but like, it doesn't require constant attention. You can leave for a month or two and, as long as you make your mortgage payment, it'll still be there when you get back. That's exactly what my aunt used to do. If you're gone for an even longer amount of time, you could Airbnb it and make some money. It's not like you'll buy the house and then be forced to sell it immediately.
Likewise, if you go back to school, you might have withdraw from one semester's worth of classes, but you can just re-enroll the next semester. It'll take longer, but it won't materially affect your studies. There aren't many commitments you can make that can't be at least put on hold if an emergency comes up.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:33 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
My go-to phrase is: What if everything goes right?
I’m excellent at coming up with disastrous scenarios. I’m terrible at coming up with positive outcomes.
Thinking through what a situation looks like if all goes to plan helps balance my natural negativity bias.
posted by hilaryjade at 7:34 AM on November 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
I’m excellent at coming up with disastrous scenarios. I’m terrible at coming up with positive outcomes.
Thinking through what a situation looks like if all goes to plan helps balance my natural negativity bias.
posted by hilaryjade at 7:34 AM on November 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
You will deeply regret it if you put your life on hold indefinitely in case the "what if?" of another medical incident occurs. It is not your obligation to sit in a holding pattern for the remainder of your life, waiting ready for something that may potentially never happen or be your problem. It sounds like you've done a significant share of lifting the family support burden - this is admirable and more than a lot of people ever do. But you've also done your share. Does your family truly expect you to hover in holding pattern, putting your life on hold indefinitely on the chance THEY need care in their lives?
Disclaimer: I know a lot of this is cultural, but I figure you are here for a variety of opinions. You deserve to pursue your dreams. You have met your family obligation (IMHO). It is unreasonable for any adult to assume that another adult is obligated to take care of them, family or not. It is unreasonable for them to expect you to put YOUR life on hold indefinitely to take care of THEM.
Either your family will understand that you need to start working on your own dreams (that may not directly involve them or their care) and they will support you, or they won't and you'll quickly find out how much your thoughts and desires matter to them. You are a grown ass adult. Family does not own you. Do what YOU want to do. You only get one life and I would guess you probably don't want to spend it waiting to do caretaking for the rest of your family.
In terms of making the leap and going for it, you kind of just have to close your eyes and jump. One of the advantages of being at the beginning stage of this type of thing is that you have relatively little risk and potentially massive reward. In a way, it's actually kind of freeing - you are completely unencumbered by the strings of life. If I wanted to move and start a new life, I would have to consider my partner, her career, our kids, their school, my career, etc. You have the benefit of what I assume to be a relatively clean slate. In a lot of ways, I envy your position - you are sitting on the figurative launch pad, ready to go literally anywhere you want. You have the whole world waiting for you. Please push the red button. Launch your dream rocket. As stated above, what's the worst case scenario if you pursue your dreams and interests and they don't work out like you expect? Assuming you aren't making utterly irresponsible choices, I'm guessing that the potential risk will pale in comparison to what you could potential end up with in life.
I'm holding a lot of excitement by proxy for you - chase those dreams and do your unicorn chasing thing!
posted by _DB_ at 7:39 AM on November 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Disclaimer: I know a lot of this is cultural, but I figure you are here for a variety of opinions. You deserve to pursue your dreams. You have met your family obligation (IMHO). It is unreasonable for any adult to assume that another adult is obligated to take care of them, family or not. It is unreasonable for them to expect you to put YOUR life on hold indefinitely to take care of THEM.
Either your family will understand that you need to start working on your own dreams (that may not directly involve them or their care) and they will support you, or they won't and you'll quickly find out how much your thoughts and desires matter to them. You are a grown ass adult. Family does not own you. Do what YOU want to do. You only get one life and I would guess you probably don't want to spend it waiting to do caretaking for the rest of your family.
In terms of making the leap and going for it, you kind of just have to close your eyes and jump. One of the advantages of being at the beginning stage of this type of thing is that you have relatively little risk and potentially massive reward. In a way, it's actually kind of freeing - you are completely unencumbered by the strings of life. If I wanted to move and start a new life, I would have to consider my partner, her career, our kids, their school, my career, etc. You have the benefit of what I assume to be a relatively clean slate. In a lot of ways, I envy your position - you are sitting on the figurative launch pad, ready to go literally anywhere you want. You have the whole world waiting for you. Please push the red button. Launch your dream rocket. As stated above, what's the worst case scenario if you pursue your dreams and interests and they don't work out like you expect? Assuming you aren't making utterly irresponsible choices, I'm guessing that the potential risk will pale in comparison to what you could potential end up with in life.
I'm holding a lot of excitement by proxy for you - chase those dreams and do your unicorn chasing thing!
posted by _DB_ at 7:39 AM on November 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds like you have planned for the what-ifs as best as you can and what will unfold will unfold. I am squarely on Team Go For It.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 8:15 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 8:15 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
I feel like you haven’t given enough information to give advice properly. My mother got cancer when I was 10 and it came back when I was 23 and she died when I was 27. I decided not to go abroad when I was 25 even though I really wanted to and people told me I should. I’m happy that I didn’t. BUT when she died I went abroad and now I’m 42. I don’t know how I would feel if it was my “last chance” to do various different moves. You don’t really say how old you are or how long a window you will have to make these moves. You probably need to have a deep think in your heart. If I never got the chance to move abroad I would have never become who I am and it was pivotal to VERY important healing and separation from toxic systems. I very much had to go.
posted by pairofshades at 8:51 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 8:51 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have the same overthinking and catastrophizing gene and there’s a quote (can’t remember the source) of someone looking back at life and saying “all the worst things that ever happened to me, never happened to me.” That is, why did I spend so much time worrying about things that never happened? I find this very motivating.
posted by caviar2d2 at 8:56 AM on November 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by caviar2d2 at 8:56 AM on November 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
If something happens, you will figure it out. Whether you do nothing or you do something, you're going to still be in the position of deciding what to do about whatever exact situation presents itself.
If you were thinking maybe moving halfway across the world, or off the grid, those plans might need mitigation or you will need to implement additional intervention plans. That's it, you just will have to plan around whatever your circumstances are.
Go live your life. You'll figure it out.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on November 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you were thinking maybe moving halfway across the world, or off the grid, those plans might need mitigation or you will need to implement additional intervention plans. That's it, you just will have to plan around whatever your circumstances are.
Go live your life. You'll figure it out.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on November 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
Back with a book suggestion.
Resilient by Rick Hanson
This book has helped me find balance in tough times and I really value what I’ve learned from it.
posted by hilaryjade at 9:31 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Resilient by Rick Hanson
This book has helped me find balance in tough times and I really value what I’ve learned from it.
posted by hilaryjade at 9:31 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hello from a person who is in the midst of a multi year family caretaking/organizing situation. I was pretty low contact with my family for several years before taking on this role and I am so glad I took that time away now that I don't have the opportunity. The best advice that I can give you is to consider that this time, right now, when the family situation is at least temporarily stable, is THE moment to take the leap you've been waiting for.
Presumably you had a life and commitments that you set aside in some way to care for your family. When/if they need you again, you will be able to call on the same resourcefulness that let you sort it out then--or, you will figure out another way for their needs to be met.
Go for it. Once you are back home you never know when the chance will come again.
posted by assenav at 9:59 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Presumably you had a life and commitments that you set aside in some way to care for your family. When/if they need you again, you will be able to call on the same resourcefulness that let you sort it out then--or, you will figure out another way for their needs to be met.
Go for it. Once you are back home you never know when the chance will come again.
posted by assenav at 9:59 AM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
The thing to focus on is the certainty of your inner strength and resourcefulness, not the certainty of any particular outcome, which is unknowable. You have to know and trust in your heart of hearts that you can handle whatever comes your way. In that way, it doesn’t matter what the outcome is, because you will be able to deal with it as it comes. If everything goes smoothly and you get a period of rest from caretaking and you get your new house (for example), then you are capable of enjoying that and making the most of it and being grateful for it. If the new house turns out to have a leaky roof, you are capable of arranging to get it repaired or replaced.
This is somewhat cheesy, but I love the song I Have Confidence, which is sung in the Sound of Music. Even if the movie doesn’t work for you, maybe the lyrics would.
*Sometimes people are in truly vulnerable places, in which case you have to honestly and objectively assess your own situation and the risk you are able to take as best you can. And sometimes genuine catastrophes occur that derail peoples’ lives, but the odds are so low that this should not be factoring into your decision making much.
posted by kochenta at 10:15 AM on November 11, 2022
This is somewhat cheesy, but I love the song I Have Confidence, which is sung in the Sound of Music. Even if the movie doesn’t work for you, maybe the lyrics would.
*Sometimes people are in truly vulnerable places, in which case you have to honestly and objectively assess your own situation and the risk you are able to take as best you can. And sometimes genuine catastrophes occur that derail peoples’ lives, but the odds are so low that this should not be factoring into your decision making much.
posted by kochenta at 10:15 AM on November 11, 2022
...but think things that take a significant amount of resources, commitment and energy.
It's possible that the reason you're stuck is just that the planning/organizing/managing/problem-solving part of you is exhausted from the work you've put in to managing your family's crisis, and doesn't have the energy that it would take to move forward on your own goals.
How does it feel to think about putting your own plans temporarily on hold and "coasting" (i.e., resting) for 3 or 4 months? A break may just be what you need to rest your brain and recharge before taking on a new round of challenges.
posted by heatherlogan at 4:24 PM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's possible that the reason you're stuck is just that the planning/organizing/managing/problem-solving part of you is exhausted from the work you've put in to managing your family's crisis, and doesn't have the energy that it would take to move forward on your own goals.
How does it feel to think about putting your own plans temporarily on hold and "coasting" (i.e., resting) for 3 or 4 months? A break may just be what you need to rest your brain and recharge before taking on a new round of challenges.
posted by heatherlogan at 4:24 PM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
So what? What if you fail? It doesn't matter, really, you'll be at the same place you are now if you don't even try, and you won't have the information you will gain by actually making the attempt.
It's corny as hell but there is a little positivity meme that goes, "But what if I fall?" and the answer is, "Yes, but what if you fly?" Unlike a lot of positivity memes, it's not altogether wrong.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:45 AM on November 11, 2022 [2 favorites]