Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn

October 28, 2022 12:39 PM

A friend's Halloween costume is the Wheel of Morality, as featured on Animaniacs. It's an interactive costume; the wheel can be spun, and a moral selected and read aloud. The morals featured in the cartoon, as listed in that link, include such gems as "Never ask what hot dogs are made of," "Do not back up. Severe tire damage," and "Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, but socially dead," as well as less evergreen ones like, "You can teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach Madonna to act." What are some other good morals to include? The target audience is drunk people.
posted by 4th number to Society & Culture (60 answers total)

Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
posted by bleep at 12:40 PM on October 28, 2022 [11 favorites]

Close only counts in horseshoes and nuclear war.
posted by hydra77 at 12:43 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm sure you could mine Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey for some of these.
posted by agentofselection at 12:52 PM on October 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
posted by sundrop at 12:53 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 12:57 PM on October 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

If it sticks, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
posted by derrinyet at 1:09 PM on October 28, 2022

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
posted by Stuka at 1:13 PM on October 28, 2022 [4 favorites]

Never break two laws at once.
posted by bondcliff at 1:52 PM on October 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Chaps are always by definition assless.
posted by Ardnamurchan at 1:55 PM on October 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

The lyrics to Weird Al's "Dare to be Stupid" is a gold mine. "Don't eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip"!
posted by DanSachs at 1:59 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

Beer before liquor, you’ve never been sicker
Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear

Leaflets three, let it be
Leaflets four, eat some more
(Homer Simpson on poison ivy)

If it’s an anatomy crowd,
OOOTTAFAGVAH
(It’s the order the nerves branch off the brain and has a rude mnemonic that most bio students learned at some point)
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:33 PM on October 28, 2022

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
posted by Gray Duck at 2:38 PM on October 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

If someone spins it twice, you can hit em with the ol, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
posted by panhopticon at 2:45 PM on October 28, 2022

"Don't reinvent the wheel" might be nicely meta.
posted by eponym at 3:06 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

The classic Miss Piggy quote "Never eat more than you can lift."
posted by babelfish at 3:07 PM on October 28, 2022

Thoroughly spray the infested area.
posted by SPrintF at 4:09 PM on October 28, 2022

Boldly go where no man has gone before.
posted by SPrintF at 4:09 PM on October 28, 2022

Wash hands before returning to work.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:23 PM on October 28, 2022

Hold stick near center of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:23 PM on October 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:24 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

You can't roller-skate in a buffalo herd.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:25 PM on October 28, 2022

If it's moving and it's not supposed to: duct tape.
If it's not moving and it's supposed to: WD-40.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:26 PM on October 28, 2022

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't roll your friends up into little balls and flick them under the couch

Neither a borrower nor a lender be

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

ALL PROPERTY IS THEFT

YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE

Seniors rule, freshmen drool
posted by miles per flower at 4:27 PM on October 28, 2022

Everything in your stomach is technically outside of you.
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:33 PM on October 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
Gas, grass or ass... nobody rides for free
Pull my finger
He who smelt it, dealt it
Trying is the first step towards failure (Homer Simpson)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:19 PM on October 28, 2022

If you ask them if they're a cop they have to tell you.
posted by bondcliff at 6:22 PM on October 28, 2022

Age is just a number, but it never stops going up.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:02 PM on October 28, 2022

A band-aid doesn't help heal an orchestral sting.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:04 PM on October 28, 2022

"Spackle" is a funny word.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:05 PM on October 28, 2022

Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:08 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

One wheel to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:09 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

"Wheel of Moriarty" would make a good Sherlock Holmes Animaniacs parody.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:10 PM on October 28, 2022

Hipster ghosts wear flannel sheets.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:12 PM on October 28, 2022

We Apologize For The Inconvenience.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:14 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

People talk a lot about "inside jokes", but outside jokes are a breath of fresh air.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:16 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.
posted by ActionPopulated at 7:50 PM on October 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

Don’t open a can of worms you’re not prepared to walk through.

Never assume. It makes donkeys of us both.

A nation of shopkeepers has a fool for a client.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:51 PM on October 28, 2022

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And, for some reason, strewn with abandoned shopping carts.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:27 PM on October 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

A security blanket is just a regular blanket with +4 damage against anxiety.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:28 PM on October 28, 2022 [1 favorite]

Dirigibles imply the existence of singular rigibles.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:32 PM on October 28, 2022

Getting a scratch-&-sniff tattoo of a fried bologna slice is not a good idea.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:36 PM on October 28, 2022

If you want to fight the sun, be sure to sneak up on it at night while it's dark.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:40 PM on October 28, 2022

If you put your phone in "Airplane!" mode, it could develop a drinking problem.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:47 PM on October 28, 2022

If thou gaze long into the Abbess, the Abbess will also gaze into thee. And probably demand that you leave the convent immediately.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:47 PM on October 28, 2022

If someone claims they distinguish sea salt from different oceans by taste, it's only because they have something to sel.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:49 PM on October 28, 2022

A macramé carpet can tie the whole room together.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:50 PM on October 28, 2022

The proper way to refer to a compilation of brief videos about dogs is "a collection of boxer shorts."
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:52 PM on October 28, 2022

Never be rude to someone preparing your food.

Everything not saved will be lost.

You'll find it in the last place you look.
posted by stormyteal at 1:41 AM on October 29, 2022

Don’t invade Russia during the winter.
posted by meijusa at 1:42 AM on October 29, 2022

If you’re up to your neck in shit, keep your head held high.
posted by meijusa at 1:43 AM on October 29, 2022

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
posted by meijusa at 1:44 AM on October 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
posted by meijusa at 1:45 AM on October 29, 2022

The situation is hopeless, but not serious.
posted by meijusa at 1:48 AM on October 29, 2022

Just keep swimming.
posted by meijusa at 1:48 AM on October 29, 2022

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
posted by meijusa at 1:50 AM on October 29, 2022

There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.
posted by meijusa at 1:53 AM on October 29, 2022 [2 favorites]

For mathematicians: don’t drink and derive
posted by meijusa at 1:56 AM on October 29, 2022

Never go with a hippie to a second location.
posted by lovableiago at 8:23 AM on October 29, 2022

We don't need a fountain of youth; we need a fountain of smart.

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground. - Theodore Roosevelt

In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate. - Isaac Asimov

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Don't Litter.
posted by theora55 at 8:56 AM on October 29, 2022

Response by poster: Thank you all for your contributions; the costume was a big hit.
posted by 4th number at 7:17 AM on October 31, 2022 [1 favorite]