Rituals or actions to make my big new house feel like my home?
October 20, 2022 12:54 PM   Subscribe

Last month, I completed a very stressful move from the city to a beautiful home on a lake. The house is amazing, and I feel so lucky to have gotten it! But I find that I’m having a hard time feeling comfortable here.

My old city house was small, and this one is about twice as large. I live alone, though my partner is here about half the time. Here are some of the things I’m struggling with:

My old house was small and open plan, so I never really felt like I was too far away from any part of it. I’m writing this from my office (I now have an office!) and it’s three levels away from my basement family room (I now have a basement family room!) and it feels strange to not be able to hear or sense things that are happening floors away.

With all this space I feel… exposed? I kind of feel like a service or guide dog that was used to patrolling the area immediately around myself, and now I’m responsible for something that’s way more than I’m used to.

The basement family room is all set up with a couch and a TV but I find I’m hesitant to go down there, especially at night. I have all the security precautions, so I’m not sure it’s that. It could be that I’ve seen some spiders, crickets, ants, and house centipedes. I can deal with them in the moment, it’s always a little stressful, so I find I just avoid it. Plus it’s kind of dark down there and… unfamiliar?

I do have one very small upstairs room I call my “reading room” with a big comfy chair, and I find I’m spending the vast majority of my time there, largely because it just feels safer and more secure.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about some fun or interesting rituals I could do to make me feel cozier and more comfortable in my new house.

Should I walk around and touch each wall and thank it for keeping me safe?
Burn some sage?
Spend a night in each room?
Just recognize that some of this will come in time?

I’m open to any and all suggestions!
posted by kinsey to Home & Garden (23 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: The thing that has made the biggest difference for this feeling each time I’ve moved somewhere new is putting art on the walls. I even painted a mural in my college dorm. Do you have pictures that you’ve always said “oh, I should print these and frame them” but never did? Now is the time.

Hopefully not relevant, but does your basement have carbon monoxide detectors? It’s a huge culprit for vaguely unsettling basements.

Are you on land that was stolen from indigenous people? Is this tribe still around? Getting involved or just knowledgeable about land back and all the local idiosyncrasies and your neighborhood’s original culture can make a big difference in how you view the space and your relationship with it. Does the lake you’re near have history or things it’s known for? Learning about that can shift your perception of the lake.
posted by Mizu at 1:11 PM on October 20, 2022 [6 favorites]


Best answer: install some efficient lights and keep them on.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:16 PM on October 20, 2022


Not a ritual necessarily, but put something in each space that's natural, beautiful and comforting. For me this would be flowers and seasonal things like pumpkins and autumn leaves. But it could also just be some nice candles. Lighting might help warm up the individual spaces. Make sure each room has lamp lighting you can read or work by in addition to more ambient lighting. This makes spaces more inviting as well as more user friendly (even if I like the way a room looks, if there is nowhere to actually read or work on anything in it, I probably won't spend much time there). I also like to get home to some lights already on. This helps me feel less creeped out walking in, especially in the colder months. I have some lamps that are merely ambient (glorified night lights/decorative) that stay on all the time for this reason.
posted by marimeko at 1:17 PM on October 20, 2022 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Do you have curtains/blinds or outdoor lights? Having ground level windows looking out into country-dark is very disconcerting.

Adding some twinkle or cafe lights to a few trees or something a little ways away from your house may make it feel cozier when you do look out.

If you are in a fairly safe area, I would spend some time outdoors after dark; maybe make hot chocolate and go sit on the lakeshore and really absorb the sounds and feel of your new home.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 1:20 PM on October 20, 2022 [3 favorites]


A relative moved from a small flat to a big house. For the first year or two, he just didn't use his big new living room at all — didn't even furnish it, or turn the heating on. Evenings were spent in the small upstairs spare bedroom instead. All it took was time: very gradually, the living room acquired furniture and art and heating and now it's a great space.
posted by Klipspringer at 1:22 PM on October 20, 2022 [6 favorites]


Best answer: I'd say don't rush to use every room and set up every space and fill every spot in the house. If you don't want to hang out in your basement, why not make your reading room into your cozy relaxation room with the TV? Maybe just don't use that basement room at all for a while.

If you'd like to make it a ritual, then thank your reading room for letting you know it's warm and cozy and welcoming you. And then expand from that room to other spots.

I have lived in places of wildly different densities, from rural places in the woods to huge cities, and lots of spots in between. When you go from city to a more rural/less dense area, it can be very weird to adjust to the different sounds and rhythms, and vice versa. So I think it will come in time. I'm at the point where I feel pretty relaxed in the woods and in big cities, so I think you'll adjust as well, but it does take a while.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:33 PM on October 20, 2022 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Scent is key. Humans are animals, and we react to scent more than you might think. To reassure your animal instinct, it has to smell like home.

This will happen naturally over time as you inhabit the space. But if there's a scent to which you know you respond well, consider transporting some of it down there. (Fresh baked cookies or bread? Laundry detergent? Beeswax furniture polish? Stuff like that)

Think about inviting friends or family over to hang out down there so it builds positive associations.

Or, the room may be seasonal. In summer your basement den will be one of the cooler places in the house, while in autumn/winter it may feel dark and cold. So maybe it will be one of those rooms you only use at certain times of year. Or only when friends are over for movie nights. The room will find its use. Certain parts of your house may always feel "warmer" or "colder" than others and that's okay.

Right now the animal part of you is anxious at being away from its territory in a place that feels unfamiliar and "exposed" and unsafe. Reassure that animal that this house is its territory now and tell it it is safe here. Soon it will start to feel that way, and your human side will feel better too.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:58 PM on October 20, 2022 [5 favorites]


Nthing time. But also, it doesn’t sound like your family room is all that welcoming and cozy. The light and other aspects of it don’t seem to work for you. I’d recommend figuring out what made other spaces you know feel more welcoming and cozy. Figure out what you want to change. Sit with that for bit before you make any changes beyond light bulbs or moving furniture around. As you go through the seasons, how we feel about certain spaces changes. I have come to regret a few significant changes I’ve made shortly after moving a few months later. If you don’t change your mind after a while go ahead and make the changes.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:14 PM on October 20, 2022


Best answer: When I took over the responsibility for our family farm, I had to move from my tiny apartment to the main building. It was so weird, and it took me ages to feel it. But in spite of being fifth generation atheist, my family has rituals to deal with many of the passages in life, and one is to ring a bell in all the rooms of a new home to ring out the ghosts. You can use any bell. I have an old brass bell that is perfect for the job. You can do it several times if a ghost is stubborn.
My gran already spooked us when she was alive, so it was absolutely relevant to ring her out. I love her, and she still appears in my dreams, but it was good sense to ring her out of the house.
posted by mumimor at 2:27 PM on October 20, 2022 [8 favorites]


On a more practical level: making sure that every room has good lighting might be an idea.
posted by mumimor at 2:34 PM on October 20, 2022


Best answer: Fairy lights make rooms feel friendly to me. Little rice lights in 1 bathroom, purple lights in the window of the other, these glowing orbs in the living room, a string of party lights over the kitchen window. They are friendly, low-cost/ low-energy nightlights. You can put the tv in a room that feels more comfortable. Basements tend to be cooler and damper, which reads creepy. There are LED string lights in my finished basement too, but I don't need the space, so it's storage and crafting space. I tend to watch streaming media on my laptop; the tv is nearly retired.

New house, new sounds, smells, light patterns. I would burn incense, play your music, ring bells (love this), walk around and touch each wall and thank it for keeping you safe, and recognize that some of this will come in time. If feasible, have a housewarming party, also bake things, esp. bread, which just smells like home when you bake it. I live across the street from a lake, and it is always a treat to look out at it, and the trees. Congratulations on your new place!
posted by theora55 at 4:13 PM on October 20, 2022 [3 favorites]


Time. For now, mostly stay in the spaces where you feel the most comfortable, venture out into the other spaces for a little bit of time (to put up art or otherwise do something "you"), and then come back to the safe space. Gradually you will be spreading out the comfort zone.
posted by matildaben at 4:26 PM on October 20, 2022 [2 favorites]


Basements always have basement vibes to me no matter how wonderfully designed, so I probably wouldn’t hang out there either.

For a ritual, I always make my sister stay over within the first few weeks of moving. A small party, especially if some guests stay overnight, will help the rooms find their use and appeal. They don’t call it a “housewarming” for nothing.
posted by kapers at 4:45 PM on October 20, 2022 [3 favorites]


Put the house to bed each night -- ex. 1, 2; "Do one last walk around the house checking all doors and windows are locked, all cushions and throws are straightened/fluffed, and nothing has been left on." Your environment will grow familiar as you care for it. Congratulations on your new home!
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:33 PM on October 20, 2022 [4 favorites]


You need a reading knook in the basement.
Comfortable seating, warm blankets or soft lacy throws, and a convenient table for a drink and snacks (the smells of good comfort food).
Good mood lighting. An outside view that you can enjoy, or curtain off.
Soft music, or an entertainment center for your favorite films.
And all the books. I like reading actual books and magazines, because it is less eye strain than a Kindle, but whatever works for you.
It may take some time to find the right corner of the room for security and convenience (access to wall outlets) but it will be worth it.
posted by TrishaU at 9:31 PM on October 20, 2022


If your budget and sensitivities allow, get a regular pest control service. That will take care of some of the creepy-crawlies which will make some of the rooms less scary.

Make sure you get adequate heat in each room, and also know how you can control the vents in each room to control the temperature. I think temperature has a lot to do with "coziness"
posted by TimHare at 9:58 PM on October 20, 2022


By co-incidence, I was watching this video about how much water a de-humidifier can remove from a basement over a few days. - not saying your basement is damp - but worth investing in a damp/temperature sensor - anything over about 60% humidity and that can lead to various other problems (as well a costing more to heat).

You mention the idea of cleansing the house with white sage (explanation video), palo santo, or some such. A lot of these rituals - different round the world - call on you to open the windows to let the old out and then the new in. I would say that what is really important for these rituals is that you are willing to get behind them and believe in the token value to you, in what they are are doing. If they help you to feel that your home is yours then there is a great ratio of cost to benefit.
posted by rongorongo at 11:20 PM on October 20, 2022 [1 favorite]


If I had a basement room I wanted to cozy up, I'd get an electric fireplace for some light and heat.
posted by Constance Mirabella at 11:21 PM on October 20, 2022


Best answer: I live in a house on a lake and know exactly what you mean.

I agree that you just need time, but I would also suggest that you actively use the space you have, lest in time you feel comfortable only in your small reading nook. In these early days, when you're in a space, actively consider what would make it more comfortable/inviting, whether its a more comfortable chair or better lighting or security, etc.

It sounds like you don't have a dog. Maybe you can't hear what's going on all over the house, but a dog can and will alert you if something is not normal. (Note: this also means they can hear the whisper of a cheese wrapper while asleep two floors away.)

I initially felt exposed in the walk-out basement. The solution for me was to install a motion-sensing floodlight, pointing the light on the yard but the motion sensor toward the door. So anyone/thing approaching the door turns on the floodlight. (In ten years, it's come on exactly once while I was watching TV; a raccoon was dawdling past the door.)

Inside, lighting also does a lot to make a room inviting. Make sure you have plenty, and put a few on timers so you're never walking into a completely dark room.

Make sure you're taking in your beautiful surroundings and not taking them for granted. A simple little ritual I have is just to stand at the window looking out in quiet appreciation as I take my first few sips of morning coffee. I love how the light differs, how the lake can be as smooth as glass or choppy as the sea on a windy day. And I practice feeling gratitude for my good fortune.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:43 AM on October 21, 2022 [5 favorites]


Best answer: Just noting that, as someone who moved from a tiny, tiny apartment in a busy courtyard building to a large, top-floor apartment with only one neighbor--I'm in Month 4 and things are starting to feel comfortable just about now. I think part of what has helped is having dedicated projects for each room, so I'm spending time in them to fix them up, buying things for them... just generally thinking of them lovingly and mindfully? There are still a couple of rooms that I haven't clicked with yet but it's much much better.

Also, I'm not really a TV person but having a TV or podcast playing in the evening hours is really helpful for making the house feel full when you can't have actual other people there.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:33 AM on October 21, 2022


Seconding the idea of getting a dog (or cat or other pet) if your lifestyle allows. Just knowing there's another living thing (other than spiders) sharing your space could make it feel more comfortable to you.

You could try fostering for a local rescue group if you're not sure about a long-term commitment.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:16 PM on October 21, 2022


Response by poster: Argh - this is one of those times where I want to mark everything as best answer! Thank you for your wonderful insight and recommendations. I'm off to buy some more lighting, and a bell!

Honestly, the process of just asking this question and reading all of your great answers has made me feel different about my house and my space. Cozy here I come!
posted by kinsey at 4:51 AM on October 22, 2022 [3 favorites]


Best answer: The thing that has made the biggest difference for this feeling each time I’ve moved somewhere new is putting art on the walls.

I want to re-emphasize this with the greatest enthusiasm - putting art up on the walls is the absolute FIRST thing I do after the furniture is brought in. It helped us go from move-in day to fully unpacked and home-ified in about a month tops. As soon as the decor goes up, spaces start immediately becoming more familiar and the residence feels much less 'place i am still moving into, so much to do' and more like 'home, but I need to clean up all these boxes'. After decor goes up, set a simple goal like 'one box a day' and you'll be shocked at how quick you a) get unpacked and set up, and b) get that familiar feeling from a new environment.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:58 AM on October 25, 2022


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