Heading for divorce - what do I need to think about?

October 14, 2022 10:24 PM

Just had a conversation with my spouse, sounds like we're getting divorced. What next?

We currently rent, and our finances are totally separate. We have two kids, 5 and 3. The 5 year old is in a private kindergartner but will start public school next year. My spouse works 12 hours a day, so I do most of the parenting, although they would claim otherwise. I feel like that's probably one of the answers to this question - I should probably document exactly what all I do for the kids, right? And like, probably what bills I pay, stuff like that. But what else? I'm a little taken by surprise here, so I don't really know where to go. Anything you can suggest to either make the process go more smoothly, or to be more advantageous to me? (Sounds like it's going to be contentious, unfortunately.)

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

What state or country are you in?
posted by NotLost at 10:39 PM on October 14, 2022 [1 favorite]

Get a lawyer.
Make note of things you think are relevant until you have your consultation with the lawyer.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:02 PM on October 14, 2022 [19 favorites]

Sending yourself an email, with or without attachments is a good way to document things, as you can't lose it, can search for it, and the date is easily provable.

But really, the only advice here is good lawyer asap. Please do not take any actions on the basis of internet acquired legal information alone. Even if you can't afford the lawyer on an ongoing basis, you need to start from a solid foundational understanding of the law where you are and how it applies to your circumstances. It is easy to act in a way that prejudices you later and impossible for advice here to protect you from that.

For finding a good lawyer, personal recommendation is ideal but many people do not know anyone who has hired a lawyer. Googling is not ideal, as good lawyers usually get business mostly by referral and don't spend any time on SEO. Community organizations might have some kind of recommendation.

There is some good advice in this MetaTalk thread about how to get a lawyer and the merits and drawbacks of legal questions here.
posted by lookoutbelow at 11:06 PM on October 14, 2022 [9 favorites]

My advice, if you're in the US: no matter how strongly you think you don't need a lawyer, you need a lawyer. An initial consult will probably be free of cost and will help you outline your rights, responsibilities, and next steps specific to your state. Some states have a literal computer program that's used to arrive at a division of assets and responsibilities (including childcare and custody), so populating the forms that program uses to arrive at a baseline is straightforward for a lawyer. If you can, see if you two can agree to hire a mediator. This is a lawyer that represents your joint best interests and can make the process less adversarial than simply hiring individual attorneys to represent each of you individually. You still need your own lawyer to vet the mediator, but in my case a mediator saved the day and kept us out of court. And hang in there. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself as grounded and comfortable as possible.

Fyi I came to Ask for help, too, and the Metatalk thread's resources were a big help. I'd never hired a lawyer before.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:10 PM on October 14, 2022 [6 favorites]

In addition to hiring a lawyer, consider a therapist. Divorce is hard.

I found this organization helpful for issues around coparenting: Kids First . There may be something similar in your area.
posted by Sukey Says at 2:43 AM on October 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

General advice from my editorial past:

1. Lawyer
2. Stop thinking of your relationship as a partnership. It’s not anymore. Get other sources of support. Don’t try to be their support. (Hopefully a coparenting partnership will develop.)
3. Attack your finances as soon as possible. Often a huge mistake is trying to keep the family home “for the kids” but landing in financial trouble with it.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:35 AM on October 15, 2022 [12 favorites]

I used to be a family law lawyer, and am now a mediator. Yes, get a lawyer, and make sure you are getting a family law attorney.

Many courts now have forms on their web sites for pro se litigants. A form for a parenting plan will be very helpful to look at, if one is available.

Finding a good lawyer. Many bar associations will refer you to family law attorneys. Here in NM our bar will make a referral for $30 for a 30 minute consultation. I used to charge $100 for an hour consultation. There are still some lawyers that give a free 30 minute consultation.

I would suggest you interview a couple of attorneys. This will probably be the most important legal process you will go through in your life. You want an attorney you can talk to comfortably, who listens well, and who respects your values. That is a lot to cull from a 30 minute interview, but make a stab at it.

Mediation is wonderful for family law cases and as noted above, is considerably less expensive than having attorneys do the entire thing. Most attorneys have mediators that they like to use and most often both attorneys can reach an agreement on which mediator they will refer the case to.

After many years as an attorney and now as a mediator, this is the advice that I think is most important. Put your children first in how you think about all of this. Always put the children first.
posted by furtheryet at 6:05 AM on October 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

Nthing lawyer. And please remember that just consulting with a family law lawyer does not automatically lead to things getting bitter and acrimonious — in fact it can be quite the opposite. Lawyers can be educators as much as advocates and the former is what you’re looking for right now.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:12 AM on October 15, 2022

Nthing lawyer advice above. Also, keep a detailed diary. Don't leave things out that you don't think are important, because they may be more important than you think.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:17 AM on October 15, 2022

Everyone is saying "Get a lawyer." Allow me to expand on this: Get two lawyers -- one for you and one for your partner. In my own experience and that of my circle of friends who have divorced with kids, doing a "nice, amicable, simple" divorce with one lawyer who represents both of you inevitably leads to angry, contentious, complex arguments down the line.

Ask your lawyers to work out every aspect of custody. Do not ever let anyone say "Oh, I'm sure you'll be able to work it out." Because maybe you will, but wouldn't it be better to work it out now, on paper, with very specific dates and times and locations, rather than having an argument on your doorstep because you thought it was your weekend and you made plans to go to Disneyland but your ex thought it was their weekend and made plans to visit their parents. If the two of you agree to be less strict about things later on, that's fine, but it's a lot easier to get less strict than more.
posted by Etrigan at 7:40 AM on October 15, 2022 [5 favorites]

lawyer. now. and do everything they day.
posted by j_curiouser at 8:53 AM on October 15, 2022

Spend time documenting what was spent on the kids in the past year, not just what you spent. Also look up how child support is calculated in your state; there is likely to be a statutory minimum you should know about. You (like, just you not both of you) can start using an app like WeParent or CoParent now to track things.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:18 AM on October 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

Please do not persist in thinking your finances are "entirely separate." They are by law intertwined, and for renters (unless you brought in serious personal or family wealth) probably entirely intertwined. Keeping your work income in separate bank accounts and paying your monthly bills by allocation to those two accounts does almost nothing for property division and spousal support, and most of the time nothing at all for child support.
posted by MattD at 10:21 AM on October 15, 2022 [7 favorites]

Make absolutely sure your spouse can't get into any of your bank or retirement accounts. My former spouse withdrew the entire contents of one of my accounts, which was not the type of thing I ever thought they would do. People tend to panic and do really uncharacteristic stuff so just make sure they don't have the opportunity.

Get a safe deposit box and put in anything valuable that you want to keep. If you have a financial adviser that you both talk to, let them know what's going on.
posted by BibiRose at 10:37 AM on October 15, 2022 [3 favorites]

Get two lawyers -- one for you and one for your partner.

Let your former partner get their own lawyer, but yeah, the sentiment can't be emphasized enough: you need your own lawyer who will focus on you. Don't believe anyone who says a "contentious" divorce can be done without you having your own lawyer protecting your interests - i.e., a lawyer who is not concerned at all with your former partner's interests.
posted by mediareport at 12:57 PM on October 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

Think Financially, not Emotionally. The motto of Bedrockdivorce which has lots of great advice in their blog posts, and condensed in their books.
Everyone is saying get a lawyer, and you should, but first get a divorce consultant who can help you choose the right lawyer, and plan out a good strategy.
Attend a few divorce court trials, if possible with more than one judge, so you can see what it's going to be like.
Get a tablet, give it a good password and security questions, and establish a new gmail account to use for all of your planning. Get a google voice number. Secure all your accounts, check which recovery emails are set up with them.
You may want to get a small storage unit to keep anything of value, sentimental or financial. If any of that is awarded to him, you can give it then. But if you are awarded something, and it has disappeared, you may be SOL.
You may want to buy a new car, clothes, etc now, as once the papers get filed you may not be able to.
Take the kids for a checkup, keep copies of their medical records. Have Dr do a thorough check for skin cancer, so he will have to note no bruising/signs of abuse.
Some of the larger beauty salons will save hair samples which in the future could be submitted for drug testing if needed. Good to combat a false accusation.
posted by Sophont at 12:02 AM on October 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

Everybody above has it pretty well covered, but I want to stress that you need to stop thinking of your partner as your friend, confidante and helper, effective immediately. This is not to say they can't be that again in the future - I hear there are some couples who manage this! - but right now you need to think about the kids and yourself, in that order.

Until the divorce is final, which is going to take a long time, a much longer time than you anticipate, you need to be very careful what you say and do around this person. And you need to protect yourself, by first immediately separating your money out from theirs (I had a joint credit card maxed out unbeknownst to me; if only I had canceled it immediately I wouldn't have been on the hook for nine thousand dollars - and this is nothing to what has happened to some of my friends) and second, by getting temporary custody plans in writing. If they are saying now that they don't want the kids or that they want joint custody, or whatever they are saying - write it down and get a signature. That way, if they suddenly decide what they actually want is to take the kids away from you (and it happens, even when or maybe mostly when, they don't actually want the kids, they just want you to suffer) you have something right there in writing, dating back to the beginning of the whole mess. If they move out and want to take the kids anywhere, to their new apartment, the fair, the park, whatever - get something in writing stating when they are bringing them back. Every time. I want to favorite what Etrigan said above a thousand times. It's much easier to get less strict than more strict.

Also, don't be kind and say anything like, "Oh I don't need child support, we'll be fine," or, "I don't know, does $300 a month sound like too much? What do you think?" Just say, well, I will have to talk with my lawyer before I can agree to anything. Keep repeating that sentence.

And start talking to a lawyer now. Today. Yesterday if you have a handy time machine.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:21 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]

And you need to protect yourself, by first immediately separating your money out from theirs (I had a joint credit card maxed out unbeknownst to me; if only I had canceled it immediately I wouldn't have been on the hook for nine thousand dollars - and this is nothing to what has happened to some of my friends)

It turned out my father had been hiding assets for years. YEARS.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:59 PM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

A lot of what all this very good advice boils down to is: hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Things may go smoothly, and if so, godspeed. But you should be prepared for the real possibility that they don't, for the kids' sake and your own.

You've probably heard it a million times, but still it can be utterly mind-boggling how the divorce process--which, like many things in this country, is structured with conflict assumed--can bring out the absolute worst in people.

Even if some actions might seem unnecessarily adversarial too soon, think of it as preemptive defense, in everyone's best interest.

Speaking from experience, the devil is in the lack of details. If things go south, every possible point of grey-area wiggle room in a legal agreement is an opportunity for debate and conflict, at $250 or whatever an hour. Up-front clarity is crucial. Ask questions.

Do you have any immediate friends who have been divorced? Lean on them. And/or a therapist. Finances and legal stuff aside, it's an emotional hurricane any way it goes down, a complete transformation of one of the pillars of your personal identity. At least it was for me. Be ready for that, and be patient with yourself.

Good luck.
posted by gottabefunky at 5:24 PM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

I got divorced earlier this year, and one thing that helped was to go over divorce settlement checklists to figure out the kinds of things we needed to put in our agreement (we had a kitchen table divorce but you can talk to your lawyer about these if yours is less amicable):

Divorce settlement checklist

List 2

List 3

There are more online if you google divorce settlement checklist.

One thing that I was grateful we put in our parenting agreement was that our son doesn't meet any new romantic partners until the relationship has passed the six-month mark, and no living together with new partners for at least a year. And some days that honestly still feels like not enough time.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:33 AM on October 26, 2022 [1 favorite]

Oh, and as far as custody, if you're interested in 50/50 custody (which I recommend if at all possible), with younger kids people usually opt for a 2/2/3 schedule so they go back and forth every 2-3 days and are with parents on alternating weekends. I have an alternating week schedule, we switch on Sunday evenings, and it is so much easier from a logistical standpoint (and my son is older so I miss less milestones). I really enjoy having a full week of parenting and then a full week of adult solo time (though it can be a little hard when dating because a week apart feels like a long time in a new relationship).
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:44 AM on October 26, 2022