Handling a breakup in a small community

October 13, 2022 9:40 AM

Last year I was in a short-lived, emotionally abusive same sex relationship. We are both in our 40s. I live in a small community. Any advice on how to navigate this situation? Do I just wait awhile to start going out (we broke up almost a year ago)? Do I move? How have you been able to feel safe taking up space in a similar situation?

I would like to go to queer events and meet people and date again. However, I have some social anxiety, my current queer friends go to bed early and don't like to go out, and I am afraid of my ex.

My ex seems to be everywhere and went from being not social at all to being extremely social with lots of friends. They go to what seems like all of the queer events in town.

Our most recent communication (about a month ago) involved them telling me I need to change my narrative about them and that they know every one and that they can tell people things about me among other threatening, controlling, manipulative things. This happened after I went on a couple of dates with some one they turned out to have newly met.

I would like to connect with people who are not connected to my ex, because it's very stressful.

I have the ex blocked on everything after the last message, so I will not communicate with them about any of this or try to sort things out with them. I'm in therapy.

posted by BooneTheCowboyToy to Human Relations (5 answers total)

Best answer: It’s so hard in small towns with tight knit scenes. If there’s a larger town/city a reasonable driving distance it might be worth doing some socializing and dating away from there for awhile just to get your power back.

Also, having been in the same situation, I did find that way more people were aware of the crappy behavior of my ex than I thought. They were willing to party! So I thought that meant they were cool with them, they were not. And when they escalated and told people nasty things about me (as yours has threatened) it showed even more people who they were.

I found that doing more work worked. I started organizing queer events and not inviting them. It was more work than going to events that someone else planned, but it was great! I don’t do this anymore because pandemic. But if you have her blocked on Facebook and organize queer events through Facebook and Facebook groups, you can get a lot of people who don’t know you to come do a thing like hike or go to a bar or whatever.

You don’t have to move, and your ex doesn’t have to keep controlling your life. If you end up at the same event, you can just say something like “yeah we don’t really get along” and move on with the conversation and avoid them. They’re being a bully trying to keep you isolated and you can refuse that.

Also though, seriously, try dating an hour away and just get out of them orbit for awhile. This sounds miserable, and I wouldn’t want to be near them. (And if they have any other exes, I bet their experience is the same and there’s a whole alternative scene happening away from them.)
posted by Bottlecap at 10:43 AM on October 13, 2022 [4 favorites]

Best answer: My ex had a way of implying she had this kind of social power and it kept me terrified of her, and socially claustrophobic, for a really long time. It’s a bluff. What are you afraid she can do to you? My fear was that she would convince everyone I knew that I was a terrible person and make them all hate me and abandon me. I avoided people pre-emptively because I was so afraid they’d believe her narrative about me. Then someone we both knew said something really clarifying: “The only person who can convince me that you’re a bad person is you.” Your ex does not have the power you think they have, and the fear is what’s controlling you. You are out of that relationship. You are safe. They can’t do anything to you anymore.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 10:57 AM on October 13, 2022 [21 favorites]

You say your friends go to bed early, but I bet if you asked a few of them to go to one or two events with you, and why, they would. I bet it would help a lot to have an "emotional support queer" with you to deal with it if you DO run into your ex.

I also agree that your ex probably does not have as much power as you think. Most adults can see past that shit, or at least will understand that this person they recently met's description of their ex is probably not 100% accurate. I bet if you are able to start connecting with people on an individual level and making friends, your ex's presence will start to become less oppressive.

I also like to the idea of finding ways to meet people besides the big events. I know quite a few queer people who have made friends on dating apps, for instance. If you have the space, you could start doing a regular, casual queer brunch or book club, and just inviting people you want to get to know better. It's a great way to start building community in a way you know your ex will not be involved.
posted by lunasol at 1:26 PM on October 13, 2022 [5 favorites]

It's this was a short relationship, cease contract with the ex and focus on letting go of expectations for at least a little while. The fear you feel is for you to judge, because if that fear is heavy duty then, yes, I would consider what your options are for extricating yourself from a social environment that doesn't seem to be offering you support or protection.

Above and beyond, though, stop responding to your ex and their efforts to manipulate your emotions. If possible, block your ex so you don't even put yourself through the anxiety that comes with being forced to receive those messages.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:50 PM on October 13, 2022

If someone started "telling me things" about another person in the manner you're suggesting is being threatened, i would learn significantly more about the story-teller than the third person.

This kind of thing, if it isn't just a bluff, almost always works out badly for them. Please try not to worry about it too much
posted by tillsbury at 9:10 PM on October 14, 2022 [1 favorite]