How to make a bar a more sociable mingle-y space?

October 8, 2022 3:14 PM

I’m a regular at a nearby cocktail bar in Toronto. The owner is interested in ways of making it a more sociable space: A place where people can come and talk with people other than the friends they came with. Looking for ideas to move things in that direction.

The place is a slightly-fancy craft cocktail place with a youngish crowd. My sense is that norms for this stuff are different in different cities - here in Toronto, it’s unusual in places for this for people to talk to strangers much.

The owner is interested in making the place more mingle-y, and I’m interested in this stuff, too. I run events where I get people talking, and I’d love to have a bar where I can hang out and meet people,

I’m open to any ideas you might have. Have you been to bars where customers mingle with each other? What factors made that happen?

posted by ManInSuit to Human Relations (24 answers total)

If if it fits the environment a shuffleboard table with a sign up chalkboard where newcomers take on winners could get some inter-group interactions going.
posted by 12%juicepulp at 3:40 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

Our local is kinda like this, but it's kid and dog friendly and has food trucks, so it's a neighborhood spot to grab dinner as well as drinks. I'm an introvert who's usually not looking to mingle, but I'll talk to people about their kids and/or dogs (or my dog), or to neighbors if I see them. There's also a one night a week run club that takes off from the bar, and everyone who runs gets a free beer.

I will also note that regulars can really make or break this type of atmosphere for a bar. One drunk barfly rambling on (and on) to whoever sits down next to them from when they order until when they decide oh look at the time, I'd better close up! can repeat multiple times in a night. I've sometimes seen our local deal with this by the owner deliberately taking that seat and chatting to keep the cycle from continuing without turning off either set of customers.
posted by deludingmyself at 3:43 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]

One tried and true method of doing this is to keep the space as tight as possible so that people are physically forced to be in close proximity to each other. If your bar has too much wide open space then people will not mix and mingle as much. A couple of the most popular bars in my area do this very purposely and successfully.

Another thing that's popular here is theme nights based around activities that the crowd participates in. Kareoke, open mic nights, salsa, trivia and so on.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:22 PM on October 8, 2022 [5 favorites]

Playing music in bars is well known to induce people to talk louder. Whether it makes them more likely to talk to each other, I don't know.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 4:51 PM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

here in Toronto, it’s unusual in places for this for people to talk to strangers much.

I'm a big cocktail drinker and have lived in seven countries. I'd say it's unusual just about anywhere for strangers to talk to one another in cocktail bars. I'd also say that as a patron, that's why I go to cocktail bars as opposed to other bars. I live in Toronto now and would avoid a bar that encourages mingling.

Bars I've been in where strangers do tend to talk to one another are generally beer bars with televisions in them or hosting trivia games.

The one exception I can think of is Musso & Frank in Hollywood, but that's because on any given night half the people in the bar are tourists and tourists tend to talk.

I suppose you could try trivia games or sports on tv, but I honestly think you're trying to mix oil and water here.
posted by dobbs at 5:28 PM on October 8, 2022 [13 favorites]

In Toronto I’d ask Misha Glouberman to consult on this. This kind of thing — getting strangers to talk and socialize — is what he does.
posted by shadygrove at 6:40 PM on October 8, 2022 [21 favorites]

This is a hard one. I enjoy cocktail bars but not to socialize with random strangers. I either go with a friend or two or go alone for solo time with some light chitchat with the servers. If I want to talk to the people around me, I'm more likely to go to a dive bar or small craft brewery where the atmosphere is more casual and conducive for chatting. There's definitely a gendered element, too: I am more comfortable talking to fellow solo women or couples or groups than single men because, as much as I like to flirt with people I like, if it's a solo guy trying to chat and it becomes awkward, chances are I'm not interested and I'll feel stuck.

I think the key would maybe be to have a special social night once or twice a month that's well advertised with drink specials or some presentation of sorts, like a cocktail lesson or food pairing. That way interested regulars can connect and intrigued strangers can come but everyone knows the deal and doesn't feel like they're walking into an awkward trap. People definitely want to make friends, especially at this time in COVID life, so it's a great goal.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:46 PM on October 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

I've been in restaurants where there are some "normal" small tables, and one or two big, long tables (maybe fitting 8-10 people, at least), that are labeled as semi-social, so people feel comfortable sitting there alone even if they didn't arrive with a large party, or even if there are other people sitting there.

In any case, designated "semi-social" spaces, where people can sit if they don't mind interacting but aren't required to do that, is probably a good idea.

Kudos to anyone trying to increase social connection! Tell your friend hi from me!
posted by amtho at 6:58 PM on October 8, 2022 [7 favorites]

Ping pong tables do this.
posted by kensington314 at 7:28 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]

I also think making it slightly less fancy just overall.
posted by kensington314 at 7:29 PM on October 8, 2022

The craft cocktail bars where I've experienced that sort of thing are smallish where the bar takes up most of the space (as opposed to siting at tables) and are trying to cultivate a neighborhood bar vibe (snacks and a few beer options along with the fancier stuff). Bar tenders chatting with regulars sort of up opens it up to others at the bar.

Of course now that I think of it, those moments really only happen with the after work crowd. That's when usually I go. Any later in the night and the bar is too slammed and the place to loud for that to happen.

Craft cocktails are delicious and labor intensive. I was just at a bar a few weeks ago that batched a lot of its drinks and the bartenders there definitely spent more time chatting with customers--not sure of those two things are directly related.

(shadygrove, do you realize how on the money your suggestion is?)
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 7:30 PM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]

Useful? I am anti-loud music in bars in general, especially if there's no good reason. (A good reason might be - you have a live rock band, and people are there to rock out). If your place is quietish enough that people are not generally yelling at each other, sweet! carry on.

I have heard a number of times that louder music makes people buy more drinks? (which...could induce more convo attempts). Typically as it gets later in the evening, music is cranked up for the reasons.

Personally I hate yelling as a conversation medium, so to *me*, I would say, I would be much more inclined to attempt socializing at more chill places where you don't have to yell. (And I'm not just saying this as old guy now. I played rock music in bars, saw bands in bars, for 30+ years, and even as a 20 something, I was saying the same thing.) Plus, yelling in close proximity at somebody's face is going to massively increase chance of respiratory bug transmission, even plain 'ole colds & flu.

Now, if you discover people still have to yell when there's no music playing at all, likely there's a standard sound reinforcement problem that whoever designed the place didn't give a hoot about. You can try to fix such things after the fact, yet it's probably better to do so before you build the room(s). But I digress. : )
posted by bitterkitten at 7:57 PM on October 8, 2022 [11 favorites]

I can say from experience that karaoke has gotten me to interact with other people I didn't know before, especially if they keep coming every week. That may not be the crowd you're looking for, mind you, but that worked for me.

Trivia nights are popular but you generally have to have your own team and your own crowd. If you had some kind of randomizing way to assign teams every week, perhaps?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:26 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

Look at the decor critically.

Think about what people should do and in what order. How can your physical space make those things easy? At minimum you will want to have many small zones for small groups to converse. Mark them with: lighting, a place to set drinks, flooring details, etc. These will usually be circular. Activate your corners this way.

Adjust furniture to create these along with easy pathways to the main areas of the bar. Since you want people to meet and keep talking, make sure there are obvious places to take a main-area conversation to one of these little hubs.

Add conversation pieces in places people may encounter each other, so they have something easy to talk about. Are there intriguing things for everybody to interact with no matter their level of direct engagement in an organized activity?

If you also want people to do stuff in large open spaces like dance floors, think similarly about how the edges of those spaces look. Do people have to take a big vulnerable leap or can they hang out at the edge, observe and join at their own pace? Can their friends still be nearby? Try different things and see how it affects the flow.
posted by rockyraccoon at 8:41 PM on October 8, 2022 [5 favorites]

Do the bartenders have time to chat or are the slightly-fancy craft cocktails time consuming enough to make, and the bar busy enough, that they're pretty much going from drink to drink without any down time? Are the bartenders people you'd actually want to chat with? A lot of the conversations that I've had with strangers in cocktail bars have started because of what somebody was drinking, and some of that dynamic comes from interactions with the bartenders themselves. If somebody asks the bartender what they've just made for me, I'm going to jump in with an opinion about it. And if I ask about what somebody else has, I might expect them to jump in as well.

Is the music so quiet people are afraid to talk except in a murmur, or so loud they'd have to shout? Some fancy cocktail places get a bit precious with their music, and some others just want to rock out, and neither of those extremes is great for conversations with strangers (unless everybody's singing along to "Don't Stop Believin'", which is a pretty good ice breaker).

The right furniture and lighting could maybe push some crowd interaction too, but I think that's definitely into design consultant territory. I think the first two things I'd do would be to make sure the staff is interacting with guests and not just making fancy cocktails in rarified silence, and to make sure the playlist is neither too subdued nor too loud.
posted by fedward at 8:43 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]

To state my qualifications - I've had six successful bars on three continents. This is kinda my thing.
We've always designed the layout of our bars primarily with this is mind - we want to essentially subtly force social interaction, believing that this promotes a good experience for the type of clientele that we want to attract, resulting in longer stays and return visits.
So - shared tables are essential. Think long tables with bench seating. Not like German beer hall type benches, more like wider platforms - there should be room for you to lean back, and for the person on the other side of the bench at the table next to yours to do the same. This creates two possible social interaction spaces - the one with the people sharing your table (which ideally seats 12 or more people), and also with the people sitting behind you at a different table.
We also make sure to have a few deuces or four tops for those people who don't want to interact or aren't comfortable with bench style seating.
The bar itself is important, and very much influenced by the bartenders. There should be stools at the bar, solo people like to sit at the bar. It's essential that the bartenders understands that their job is not just to make drinks, but to cultivate a fun atmosphere by chatting with the customers at the bar, introducing people, even directing people where to sit at the bar if people need to move along or change spaces to make room or just to sit people together that the bartenders think will have a good time or to separate people that won't get along for whatever reason. "Hey, Joe, did you know that Pete over here is into fishing too?" "Hey Bob, Amanda here says that the local sports team sucks!" We've always emphasised to our bartenders that they are both performers on a stage and directors of the action and the evening.
Music should be loud enough to hear easily and make a bit of an atmosphere, but not so loud that you can't hear the person sitting next to you.
Judicial serving of free drinks or food can be a big help. If there are three groups sitting at a large table and they're not interacting, serving a round of free shots can get them all talking. Free shots don't have to be top shelf tequila - a shaker of fruit juices topped with a splash of vodka does the trick, it's the action of the free shot that's important, not the contents. If there's a kitchen, a couple of baskets of free chips or nachos or whatever can do the same trick a little less reliably.
I can't emphasise enough how important the staff are. A bartender or waitress can change the night from a dud to a super fun night for all. Sometimes in bars that aren't mine, I've seen that groups are almost desperate to interact but can't quite figure out a way to do it themselves. A nudge from someone would get the ball rolling and lead to a much more fun night for everyone, but the staff are on their phones (!) or head down making fancy drinks or too shy themselves. A shame.
posted by conifer at 3:46 AM on October 9, 2022 [51 favorites]

What about tasting events? I'm Not Someone Who Mingles At Bars, but the nice cocktail bar in my old neighborhood sometimes hosted tastings (of craft liquors, of other special ingredients, of local foods) and I seem to recall my more gregarious friends meeting new people at them. It had the advantage that if I (Not Someone Who Mingles At Bars) did want to have a quiet private drink with my partner, we could just avoid those evenings.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:28 AM on October 9, 2022 [5 favorites]

In fact, looking at that bar's schedule on Facebook, they also have a lot of"this week we're offering a flight of X liquor with Y in common, come drink it," which might be a way to start very small with the idea.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:33 AM on October 9, 2022 [1 favorite]

My qualifications are that I am a person who likes going to bars, and likes low-key spaces where it is easy to make casual connections and conversation, but not where it is mandatory (like trivia night).

The answer above by conifer is great, and the places where I find that easy and low-key conversation are 100% always places where the bartenders take a directing/coordinating role themselves. Like,the bartender will start chatting with a regular, and then pivot slightly to open the conversation to the people next to them and bring them in, then step away to serve drinks while the people start talking to each other, say. The real key here is having bar staff who are genuinely friendly and good at commenting with lots of types of people. Places that cultivate that get me as a repeat customer every time.

And I agree with all the comments about physical space being important. Keep the seating close enough together that you can chat with people who aren't in your own group, keep the music at a level that talking is possible, and build in opportunities for interaction. Have seats for solo people that aren't crappy. Bars that are angled so that you can people watch on a busy night are the best.

Selfishly, I would say to keep at least a few of the bar seats well enough lit that someone could passably read there, since a lot of people flying solo (women especially) will bring a book as a way to not only be occupied but also as a bit of a shield from unwanted conversations.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:24 AM on October 9, 2022 [5 favorites]

Related to the gendered element that smorgasbord described, I'd be curious to find out what people who already like coming to this bar would want to see to help them feel safer talking to strangers, like knowing that they could easily find low-key assistance if a stranger they decided to talk to isn't taking a hint that the conversation is done, or the person is getting annoying or a bit creepy. At some hobby events I've helped run, we've arranged for volunteers to go around chatting with people in a normal way but also keeping an eye out for awkward situations where they can join the conversation, change the subject, and make space for somebody who doesn't seem to want to be there to leave.

I had a friend who put inexpensive origami paper and instruction books on a table at parties, so that people had something to do with their hands and could chat about it with people they didn't necessarily know well.
posted by dreamyshade at 7:41 AM on October 9, 2022 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: These are all great suggestions!! I am particularly happy about the suggestion that I talk to Misha Glouberman, even though that would be really unhelpful.
posted by ManInSuit at 8:38 AM on October 9, 2022 [119 favorites]

That was a plot twist I was not expecting.

For me, bar seats are the ones where I'm most likely to have conversations (though, granted, not a cocktail bar person), and so places that have a U shaped bar or a bar in the middle that extend the bar length work better than ones with more table space.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 9:56 AM on October 9, 2022

Nthing what bitterkitten said about playing music too loud, unless people are there for a music event. If I have to shout or be within a foot to talk to my friends, I'm not going to bother to talk to strangers.
posted by ITravelMontana at 11:52 AM on October 9, 2022 [2 favorites]

I like bars and would like to feel more comfortable speaking with strangers in such settings, but I'm very introverted. I like the sound of conifer's suggestion of shared tables, which greatly lowers the barrier to people interacting outside their own group, especially if it's a bit crowded. Other than that, music that's loud enough to fill the room, but not so loud you have to shout to be heard across the table is really important, I think. A lot of places get this part really wrong, mostly because they have speakers at one end of the room near a small stage, so the volume has to be high to reach the other side of the space. This is fine if you have live music at that moment but, when you don't, spending some effort (and money) to install a good sound system that fills the room with music in just the right way would be super helpful in getting people to talk, I think.
posted by dg at 11:10 PM on October 9, 2022